+++ MY SILENT REVERIES +++

Monday, April 30, 2001

WHAT'S BEEN UP WITH ME........

--- Haven't chat for months. Part of me is reluctant to actually chat in the chatrooms. But ahm, I recently talked to some guy who I will name "Jun" from Sacramento and he seems so interesting. He has been calling me here at home actually and said, he "finds me interesting." I sent my pictures to him but I haveno idea how he looks like.

--- I was at a Gala Dinner at church last night and whoa, some cuties came. I was checking most of them out but then I recognized their faces. They used to be my playmates at church when we were young. Whoa, we all grew up maturely and CUTE. Well, we talked all night long...tried to catch up for the lost time. And while our parents were doign the chitchatting and all that, we decided to go to the sports bar at Staple's Center 9 where Lakers play at downtown LA). I had a few drinks but I didn't get drunk. There's one guy I am eyeing on, he's from UC Berkeley. I just thougth he was cute. That's not bad, is it? Good thing is, I will see them again on Sunday. They said, "they'll inspire mt to go to church."

--- Ignoring OJ....I don't know. After that Vegas trip, we drifted apart,

--- Janet, Sheila and I grew apart from each other. I don't know. I think even if things go back to normal when all of my friends kiss and make up, it will never be the same for us. There will still be that wall that create a gap between us. They are my friends but the level of trust will be different. One more thing, I am not sure..okay...but I think, Shiela likes Ben. =)

--- I have not thought of Glenn. That's a plus!

--- I went online to check my mail and I saw someone named "Inch" from Daygo and the only INCH I knew inthis world is Vince. I probably stared at it for ten minutes but as always, I chickened out and logged out. But stupid me, I realized, he can't IM me because I blocked everyone in my buddy list. hahahhaLOL. I guess, I just freaked out.

--- I miss Mickey (Bading) . I have been trying to call him but that foolio's never home! Bading, if you're reading this, call me up!

--- I went to Jollibee with Scuba Steve today at Carson. It was fun. We talked about everything. It's funhy how he idolizes my accomplishments butI keep telling him I have my own flaws. I talked to him so openly like I talked to my brother Long. It felt good that someone understands me and yet, looks up to me.

--- Maff, how are you? I haven't been talking to you!

-- Talked ot Ate Leslie....Ate, thanks for the peptalks.

Sunday, April 29, 2001

ONLY TIME....

I was browsing through couple blog sites and it seemed as if everyone is mending a shattered heart including me.

All these memories of the ones I loved are haunting me but Glenn and *Inch* have these major impact that keeps hitting me hard on my head and striking each and every emotion I hid for the past year or so.

Glenn because of all the "misbehavings" he has committed. It's all running through my head like a rewinding VHS tape.The first time he admitted the only reason why he went home to the Philippines after telling me he loved me for the first time was because "he wasn't over Reiko." I cried that night but he never had a clue I did. Three years after that came the case with that "one night stand" with Donna. His friends told me how Donna and Glenn "slept together" one one tenth during one of their summer nights camping on the beaches of Hawaii. Even Glenn's own friends burned Glenn out and advised me to leave him. But no, I stayed. I am stupid like that. I think I wait for these big boulders of rocks to hit me even harder and leave me with bruises and bumps or worse yet, I wait for it to bleed, before I realized I was hurting. I talked to Glenn that night and for the first tiem in three years, I cuss the hell out of him and left, standing my ground. Then came her, "the no-name-woman" in the Philippines. Glenn was pursuing me then for a second chance. The she came and supposedly, they were together briefly while Glenn was in PI for vacation. And then this "she's pregnant" issue approached as soon as he got back. I let it go, as I mentioned, in my previous entries.But I can't disclaim that I am swimming in pain and misery. Only time can cure all the hatred and can get rid of all the loneliness I feel inside right now.

Inch....because of all the reason that he is. Why didn't I stayed with him and went running back to Glenn? Why didn't Inch begged to stay? Why did he chose to ignore me after all the things we did or was it the things I said to him? I really don't know. He just left me wondering. I remembered, he uttered once that "silence" is the best method for the person you loved to realized what he or she is missing out on. And obviously, it worked for me. I think, he chose not to explain his side because I defended my feelings for Glenn and again, there goes my stupidity. I just told the ONLY person ,who manifested how to be loved me and treated me like a queen, that I don't care for him when the truth is, I do. I really do. But it's too late for him to realize that now. I attempted to keep at least a friendship with Inch but even with that, he's not responding. I recalled giving Inch some Phrases from these song I heard from MT Asia and it stated, "You are reason enough for me to go on living, You are reason enough for me to smile again. In a world where hearts are broken, every now and then, you are reason for me to love again."

As I said, it will take me a while for all my pain to subside. Only time or the chance to love again can recify and refurbish the shattered peices of my heart and to rejuvenate the loneliness that I succumbed inside. Only time....

Thursday, April 26, 2001

US: THEN AND NOW....

You drown me deep even beneath the pool of melancholy,
And I endeavored to swim up to catch my breath
Just to be with you.

You pushed me falling down from the mountain of happiness,
And I clenched hard to the forest’ roots, trying to get back up
Just to be with you

You ran me over with your huge truck of unfaithfulness,
And yet, I ignored the your demeanor and my pain
because I cherished you

You stabbed me with a sharp knife over and over again,
And I left my wounds and scars unnoticed, I figured, with time, it will heal.
You “just made a mere mistake.

You blindfolded me with you hanky of your “cheating heart”
And I still used my other senses to stand next to you,
I wanted to be there for you and not leave.

You poison me with your convincing words
But I luckily spat it out and still, believed your endearing phrases.
Your romantic gestures and declaration swept me off my feet.

You sliced through the layers of my skin, and chop it all into portions
Hemorrhaging and with trickling blood, I disregarded the ache and the agony.
Maybe, it was not done intentionally.

You drenched my soul in gas and lit me up with a match,
You watched me burning in flames
Yet, I forgave you, I knew you didn’t mean to do that.

You strangled me with both your broad and gigantic hands,
And I fought with difficulty to exhale
I acquitted your shortcomings.

You shot and targeted the focal point of my heart,
And I resuscitated myself to be alive
Because I don’t want to die...not without you.

You chainsawed my severely damaged heart,
Broke it in half and divided it into scrap bits and pieces,
Despite of the injury done, it continued to beat and palpitate.

That was before.....
This is now.

AND THIS IS ME now
After all the sabotage,
the destruction,
and degrading conducts
you executed towards me,
I remained standing here...
STRONGER
BRAVER,
each and every time.
READY to face the next odd approaching.
READY to fight the next battle.

That was then and this is now,
Truly, I can tell myself and the whole world,
I am a LONE SURVIVOR
that overcame the oppressive combat
and excruciating torments,
the endless flow of tears,
of this thing they called,
battle of love.

April 26, 2001
8:48 PM
For Glenn
"Thank you for breaking my heart.
I never realized how strong I was until you left me. "

NOTE FROM LEN:
Three weeks ago, I found out from Glenn himself that he got someone pregnant from the Philippines. I was so depressed and downcast. But I figured, it was probably the long awaited answer I had to the debating speculations in my mind and heart whether I should give him and our loves a chance to flourish and bloom again. I loved him but he has hurt me too much that I felt as if I have no more tears to cry.Not only did he tarnished my entire identity as a human being, but he also burned my soul and did notleave me until I became ashes. I am letting it go. All of it, the emotions, the feelings, the thoughts I have left for him. Every little pinch and dash of it that’s left , like what he did to me, will set it all up in flames and watched the smoke burn it all . Today, I was bored and I wanted to use my time productively.And Ifelt as if I can express my thoughts and emotions better in writing So here was the outcome. Pretty amazing musings I may say. And a very beneficial way to escape from it all and move on and look forward to a new day that’s waiting for me tomorrow. Besides, the sun will remain shining with or without Glenn. And I, I will keep surviving, no matter what kind of injury or struggles anyone will put me through. What can I say, like the singing trio Destiny’s Child, “ I’m A survivor!”Only a few people in this world can say that. And yep, I am one of them.

MAFF: I ain't mad at ya! I am just busy. And I totally understand what you feel for me. I am your friend and of course, you will protect em all the way. I will do the same thing for you. I know you don't want me to go for Glenn and I won't. If I someone made me choose betwee you or Glenn, in a strike of a lightning and without any doubt, I would still choose you. Don't worry about me. I'll call you as soon I get off here! I miss you, girl.

Pressures

Pressures on school and work and home are putting a burden on me.

School because it is once again, it's meeting term paper deadlines on time and taking care of finals and some of my classes, requires oral presentations and all that. I had no idea why I decided to take 21 units this semester. It's really putting a strain on me now. I have to start getting things doen now so I can concentrate with the classes that I need to pay more focus on. Lord, help me.

Work is a mess because I needed to lessen my hours there because I am not concentrating on school and my priority right now is gettign things done at school. The thing is, I keep telling Geng, my cousin and also the charge nurse at work, to lessen my hours but she keeps putting me on 12 hours shifts and three days a week. By the time, I get to school, I can't even open my eyes.

Home and family are also affecting me greatly because my mother also works as a nurse 12 hours a day. I, do, too. Most of the time, when I am not in school, I am at work. Mom is tired by the time she gets hoem so she expects me to take care of things while I am at home. The truth is, I am so weary. I can't even tell her how tired I am. The cough that I had since I got back from Vegas is still here. I feel like I am a walkign robot designed to meet schedules and get deadlines finished. But I am human and I have a brain that gets wornd down, too like everybody else. Gosh, why did my older sister ever get married? She could have been helping us now. But no, she had to get marry and live her own life. Now I am drained. Everyday, I wake up at 5:00 just to be on school on time and then as soon as I get home, Geng calls and beg me to go to work for 12 hours. I don't even get sleep!

On the contrary, my hard earned efforts at school are paying off. Professor Mendez told me that my works in his class are "exceptional "and it is "compared to the works of Graduate students taking Master's and Doctorate Degrees. " He mentioned on his personal letter to the Scholarship Committee that my writings in his class " takes his breath away" as a professor and I am "dedicated " and "determined" and "is one of the best students he had in his ten years or more of teaching." That's a good news.

I talked to Ziggy and he said he's getting off on May 14 to May 22 and he wants to see me. I don't think it's a good idea to see him.

Glenn and I talked and he mentioned how "she" ( the girl in PI is annoying him). I told him, obviously, he has his own issues to deal with so DEAL WITH IT! I reminded him not to worry about me because I am actually doing great without him. I know he still cares for me. I recognize that but it's just I came into a realization what would my life be with Glenn? It will be a mess. And I don't want it to be that way. I want someone who will take care of me and love me. Before, everyone was against my relationships with Ziggy and Glenn. I defended Zig all the way even if it was wrong. And then Glenn, I shielded, safeguard, and fought for our relationship. It was me and him AGAINST ALL ODDS. And what rewards did I get? A broken heart. I don't want to go through another pain and sorrow. I will still be his friend but that's where I'll draw the line between us.

I am talking to Brian. He's Korean from Orange County and we're just "talking." He's
1) a commnications major transferring to UCLA next semester (Wow, a brainy!!! It is in my "must have" list!)
2) a devoted Christian ( when I told him about Glenn and I told him, we remained good friends because it's useless for me to cuss Glenn out, he said, "Don't think of revenge. The Lord will take care of your vegeance.")
3) very romantic and sweet ( I told him, there's a reason why my Lord made me break it off with Glenn. It was probably his answer to my patiently wating questions whether I should keep Glenn or not and Brian's response was " Maybe, I am his answer for you."
4) korean ( Did I ever tell you, I find Korean guys more attractive than Filipino guys? Well, I am just more into the "chinky eyed" men.)
5) family oriented ( I am , too)
6) dedicated ( to work and school and my kind of man!)
I am hating how he's too good to be true. Inch was like these, too. I woudl be diappointed if I find something in him that will turn me off. I will probably look for something in him anyway that would turn me off. But right now, it's a thumbs up!

Well, I have to get going because I have an exam tomorrow for Dr. Lee's class and I need ot get going and memorize formulas.

Ciao!

Monday, April 23, 2001

Guess who called?!

Guess what? I got a phonecall last night from the cad who broke my heart. Who else could it be? It was just...Glenn.

I would be in denial if I say I was not to eager to hear from him. I was ecstatic! Even he noticed my rejuvenating enthusiasm. What's erratic is, I am not feeling bizarre because I am talking to Glenn. I'm delighted he called but I'm even more gratified because he called to say he missed me so much and that he has been calling me the past few days but it seemed as if every time he calls, I am not home.

Our conversation was splendid. It rendered me to our stunning past, the ones we filled with amazing revelations and unforgettabl, awe-inspiring mementos. I guess, I was elated with the fact that he called and I am talking to him as if he didn't blemish my soul. As I thouroughly mentioned from my previous scribbles, I do not withold the actuality that Glenn wounded not only my heart, but tarnished my esteem and imparied my whole soul from loving the same way I loved and cared for him. But, I do not disvow the reality that I do think of him and I do miss him regardless of the fact that I am striving so hard to get him off my thoughts and emotions. And the worse of it all, I am still core of healing and restoring my destroyed heart. In other words, I have not completely vaulted over him and half of my heart still yearns for him and all the four years we shared together.

The conversation lasted three hours and not a single moment did Glenn mentioned the girl he supposedly "got fertiled" (pregnant) in the Philippines. But of course, knowing my peery inquisitory self, I mandated myself to ask Glenn about the "lady he supposedly impregnate." And all he can tell me was, "I have not talk to her since the last time she called me." He asked how I was been and who I dated lately and I uttered I did went on a date with Mark. And then silence. I knew he was affected by what I said. But knowing him, he bluffed by faking a counterfeiting laughter.

But I thought of "her," the lady in the Philippines. Is she really pregnant? And if she is, is it really Glenn's baby? I mean, according to what I was informed a year ago, she was with a boyfriend in the Philippines who was and is not Glenn. Plus, how would Glenn know FOR SURE that the baby is his? How sure is he that he was the only guy she "philandered" or "intermeddled" with sexually? All these confusing speculations about what happened that night they "fiddled" and "monkeyed" around, are ruminating in my head. There's a fifty percent chance that it might be Glenn's child because hello?!, he admitted he "plunged his pony" inside her and he could've left a smear of his ejaculation (which in biological realization, can be about 1 million sperms or more) that could have a factor to succesfully produce a fetus.But on the other side, it can be someone else's and could it be he was framed because he is an American citizen with the "bucks'" and the "opportunity" for that lady to go here in the States.? I don't know. All of these are mere possibilities.

I am not trying to validate what Glenn did. He was reckless and stupid to "horn in" with that urban grown lady in the Philippines. And I still believe he should suffer the consequences. But I am also trying deliberate possible options that it can be NOT Glenn's baby because of the time factor that makes a huge difference. Okay, let's go through ithis whole debate by portions. I knew I mentioned previously that Glenn was only there almost a month. He claimed they had sex on the second week he was there. It was a "one night thing" and they never saw each other again after that. And then he left, but she has his number here in the States, in Hawaii, and as soon as he arrived here, she called and said, " I am pregnant." Does that justify anything? I mean, there are no blood results stating it is Glenn's. She can be pregnant but it can or cannot be Glenn's child. I will talk to Glenn about this tonight. I just want him to explore his options. He need not to worry about me. I will and I am fien without him but I am still his friend.

Well, flipping the focus back to my conversation with him, I can sense his triffling and flirting. He asked me something about "who was the best guys I ever made love with." Before, I would always tell him it was him but I feel like I taught him everything he knew sexually. He just matured and improved over the years. Yes, he satisfied my needs and desires but it is as if, I "trained" him. Well, I have long wanted to inform him that "INCH" was the best guy I ever made love with. I never had the nerve to tell him then. But now, since, I'm free off his latch, I answered his interrogation. That it was "inch." Silence struck again. I knew what that meant.He's bothered by it. He mused and thought about it. And then he goes, " Then maybe, what happened in PI was a 'karma' for you." And I responded, "It will never be 'karma' because I was not with you and with all the technicality involved, I was a single woman and I can do whatever I wanted during those time." We just left that like that.

We discuss a lot of things. Business inthe Philippines, his friends, my friends, our past, if he still loves me, and if he even thought of me, had I crossed his mind lately, does he marvel things about us...all the reflections I have been asking myself during the past two weeks and a half which by the way he all answered," YES." Pondering, I smiled sneakingly. Coudl it be that he wants me back? I can sense it. I told him I can sense it that if I was in front of him, " I can read it in his eyes" but due to our distance apart from each other, " I can hear it on the tone of his voice." It's that festive excitement knowing it was me who answered the phone. It's that endless giggles when he makes a comment and I cut him down. It's his animated and gleeful laughters. I guess, I just knew him so well that even if I was blind, if I touched his body or hands, I would know it was him. And vice versa, he also know every pinch and dash of my physical, emotional, and mental identity.

I had to go because it was 2 in the mornign here in California and I have school at 6:30 am. And then he asked me what were my plans for summer. And I told him, I will be at school but I will also be working. And that I have two weeks off before the Fall 2001 Schedule starts in August.

And then he asked me,
"Would you go and see me here in Hawaii in July ( on your birthday)? I will pay for everything.It's just I... I want to see you....even if you want that for the last time. Can you?"

I was flabbergasted. My brain is cogitating and excited. But it's the wrong speculation to think. My heart and mind are intertwinign again and I am confuse. I think he's trying to prove he still loves me and he still wants a secodn chance. He mentioned something about " I keep comign back to you, Len." But I pretended, I didn't hear it. Truthfully, I will be willing to give him a chance ONLY IF he proves that the kid is not his. Otherwise, it will be a close book for us if it it's really his baby. No more. But if you want ot knw my respond to his question,

I said, "Can I bring Maffi along?"

And he just giggled. He remarked that he will wait for my answer and that, anyway, it's still along way to go. I suggested I want to go to Maui if I go there. I just don't want to be in Oahu anymore. But for the time being, I remined him I had to go because it was already 3 in the morning. He agreed to hugn up and promised and assured me he will call me again tonight.

So, well, I know it the wrong thing to do right now, but I am just talking to him. I don't think I have the intentions to go back wiht him unless he proves that he's not the father. Otherwise, it's a no and we'd rather be friends. But as always, Glenn always have a the charms to sweep me off my feet. I still question why he's calling me again. And he just giggled. And with those giggles, it is as if I can define that I make him happy and yet, all these query I have intended to interrogate him, I don't think he will answer. But hmm, as I said, I knew him too well. Should I say, "Action speaks louder than words?" In this case, with confidence, I can firmly settle that certainty.

"Yep. I got him under my p*ssy."

heheh

Sunday, April 22, 2001

Quotes Searching

Bleh.I'm so bored. Nothing much up. It's still my rest day( I am being a lazy bum, okay?! and I do not care.)

Just couple quotes I heard, found, saw....whatever !

" Hardly anyone in tis world is tailor-made. Everyone have their own deficit."
( Gosh, this is meant for me because everyone thinks I am so perfect and I'm not! I ahve my flaws and deficits and I am certainly not trying ot fit in.)

"You'll never see the stars if you are always looking down."
(Duh!? hehehe LOL).

Love is like water, you need 8 servings a day." - Elliot Clark
( Don't we all want to be love this much?)

"I dont want a love I can live with, I want a love I cant live without."
( Waaa! Now, I feel like I really need a man)

"Home is where the heart is ... find where your home is."
( I am gradually finding my "shelter" but it took me a long time and a long jouney.)

"I've always thought I couldn't afford to leave but I'm beginning to think I can't afford to stay because I'm so miserable."
(This is for Maff. It pretty much describe your lovelife)

"Love is... like a complicated maze. When you think you're about to get out... you turn the corner and you're right back where you started..."
(And I am so stupid to realize that too late!)

"When you smiled you had my undivided attention,
when you laughed you had my urge to laugh with you,
when you cried you had my urge to hold you,
when you said that you loved me you had my heart forever."
(Not anymore!)

"If every raindrop would mean 'I love you!', it would rain the whole damn day."
( I miss feeling loved)

"I dropped a tear in the ocean... when they find it I'll stop loving you..."
(I shed tears for you, Glenn, but though you didn't find my tears in the ocean, i had to stop loving you.)

"Some people wish they were little again cause skinned knees are easier to fix then broken hearts."
( Very true....as I always say, I'd rather be ran over by a truck than to have a broken heart)

"If, out of time, I could pick one moment and keep it shining, always new, I'd pick the moment I met you..."
(Was it always great to reminicse the FIRST time you feel in love with "him/her?")

"The way I see it, there are two kinds of dreams.
One is a dream that's always going to be just that... A dream.
A vision that you can never really hold in your hand.
Then there's a dream that's more than a dream. It's like... A map.
A map that you live by and follow for the rest of your days.
Knowing that someday
you're going to stand on top of that Mountain
holding everything you thought of Right There In Your Hand"
(As I said, it will take a long drive to get here...)

"Falling in love is when you give a piece of your heart to someone else,
and they give you a piece of theirs. Falling out of love is when the pieces don't fit."
(Another for you Maff! Okay fine, just to make it fair, it applies to me, too)

"They keep saying the right person will come along,
I think mine got hit by a truck."
( This haseto be my FAVORITE! Yeah, when will my prince come?)

"I was finally getting over you ...believing it was true... I even had a few other crushes other than you... I was walking with my head up high and thinking I wasn't gonna fall... but then you had to smile at me...and go and ruin it all."
(Yeah, doesn't this happen to all of us?)

"I never could define forever, but baby, now I know. I'll be holding on to you 'til you let go."
( I never believe in forever. Maybe someday, when I am old and gray and still married to the one I love. Then, whoever my husband will be, he will define what forever is for me.)

"If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them,I'd be at the bottom to catch them."
( I can truthfully say, this is definitely me!)

" Every one hears what you say.Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say."
(This is the one definition that sets Maffi apart from my so called, "friends.")

"It takes real courage to admit to someone that yo love them...
But it takes more than courage to let the person you love go ..and still
Keep a straight face."
( Believe me, it's tha most difficult thing I have ever done. The wounds are merely healing.)

"How do you know if he really loves you?
Its when you scream, he's calm
Its when you slap him, he kisses you
Its when you cry, he hugs you
Its when you tell him you hate him,
holds you close and tells you he loves you."
(I am waiting for HIM to come along...I am patiently waiting.)

Love is not about "its your fault" but "I'm sorry"..not "where were you"...but "I'm right here"..not "how could you"...but "I understand..and not "I wish you were"..but "I'm thankful you are".
( Glenn, this is my definition of love for you.I hope I certainly said all of these. Very well said)

" Heartbreaks as long as you want and suts deep as you allow them to go.
The challange is not how to survive heartbreaks but to learn from them."
(I am still on the verge of mending and healing my wounded soul. But I must say, I learned so much from it.)

"Don't look at me and say goodbye.
Don't whisper words to make me cry.
Just walk away if you have to go.
You will break my heart
but I promise I won't ever let you know."
(Keyword is: GLENN, You will never know what misery you put me through. But thanks for loving me ..even JUST ONCE.)

"When you love,
it is not for you to be understood,
but for you to understand,
not for you to take,
but for you to be taken.
To listen, not to dictate
. To sacrifice and not to demand,
not to count or measure but to LOVE."
(We all need to be love....and it should be cherished.)

Well, Until the next time I get bored and I decide to do some quotes searching. I just hope you certainly found something here that you can learn from.

PAMPER

My mother woke me up this morning and said that Papa wants to go out of town and asked if I wanted to go. I declined because I am still not feeling too well. I have this whoofing cough and the sputum that comes with it. So I was supposed to go out and all but my body can't take all these alcohol and whatever else abuse I have been taking in. So off went my parents with my brother to Monterey. Actually, my sister, Kring, just told me that my parents headed to Salida (in Northern California) to my auntie Vicky's pad. It's funny because it seemed like my parents have lore life than me. Actually, I suggested that they should go out of town just to get away from everything. Mom deserves it. She has been working so hard the past few days. Papa, on the other hand, is getting so bored.

So they left and they had all these things of errands listed for me to take care and I already did it all. I had to babysit my siblings not that they need babysitting but more like, someone to be the authority whil emy parents are not home. I cleaned my room and the kitchen. I instructed my sister Kring to clean her room, too and LA, our baby brother, to clean the family and living room. We got all these house cleaning and all the other stuff done and we were so bored the whole day. There's nowhere to go because it was raining cats and dogs here in LA. We were surfing the net, or the cable channels.

I am so bored that I decided to soak myself up in my parent's jacuzzi. They have a jacuzzi/spa on the master bath. So I filled it with the scented bubble bath liquid. I turnedd off the light, lit up the candles, turned on the radio, and soaked myself and lie there for almost two hours. I let the spa massage every aching muscle in my body from head to toe.

While in the spa and listening to slow jams played on the radio, I started thinking of Glenn. I was actually expecting I would probably start crying because I miss him. I didn't. It helped laying there and letting all your problems and frustrations go away. For instance, Glenn is slowly drifting out of my thoughts and I expected this will be a gradual change and the conflicts with my friends, I am just draining it down the drain. And it felt so good. The vibrations from the spa, mentally and physically stimulated me leaving my body and mind relaxed and pampered.

I did my nails and applied mask on my face and lie there...as if I am sleeping for what it seemed endless hours. It felt good. I took a shower and did a hot oil treatment on my hair and body scrubbed my whole body with this minty soap. I also exfoliated my face with some minty facial scrub to remove the dead pores.

It was so helpful laying there and not worry about anything. I meditated on things that are inspiring. And purposely forget everything that's been a negative force in my life lately. I felt good inside and out. Not only did I pampered my entire body, but relaxed my mind and soul as well.

As I am sitting here in front of my computer, I could smell the Irish Spring soap I used to soap my body, and the natural scent of the Herbal Essence conditioner I shampooed my hair with. I am running my fingers through my hair and not a single tangle.It's completely smooth and straight. I am so relaxed that my eyes are almost closing down on me. I can't wait to lie down inmy bed with my newly changed and laundried cream colored, bamboo printed bed sheets. Nothing compares to the comfort of throwing yourself on top of your fluffy bed. I love how the bed sheet are so soft and a bit cold. I love the smell of Downey onthe sheets and on my pillow cases. I rub my toes to the sheets and in a minute, I would close my eyes and fall asleep. To top it all, the sound of raindrops outside are especiallysoothing to my ears. The cold and wet climate makes me even want to go sleep ever more. It's raining, cold, and breezy here in LA.

Try pampering yourself or with the one you love even just for once. I would rather have someone to pamper me but I have no one right now. But doing it alone doesn't hurt either. It's very self satisfying. You feel good with yourself and at the same time, you're boost up to go face another challenging day. Try it. You'll thank me for it, I guarantee it.

Saturday, April 21, 2001

STRONG

People I knew and around me tends to describe as "strong."

I have been hummign this melody for like a month or two now. And I knew it was one of Pink's songs entitled "Most Girls." I kind of thought it applies to me because I am NOT..."Most Girls."

Some of the lyrics didn't really clicked towards me but there were particular lines that I thought rally sums me up. For instance,

"But I am not every girl
And I don't need no G,
to take care of me..."

"But I'm not every girl
And I don't need that world
to validate me...."

"Most girls wanna man with the bling bling
Got my own thang,got the ching ching
I just want real love
Most girls want a man with the mean green
Don't wanna dance if he can't be
Everything that I dream of
A man that understands real love"

Friday, April 20, 2001

I miss Inch.

I wish I could drive to Irvine now and ring his door bell and he answers the door and I can see this suprise look on his face.And he would give me this really tight and snugly hug. And he would invite me in. He's always embarrass how his condo is crappy and a mess that he would be cleaning his condo and picking up things here and there just for me to get comfy. He then will ask if I'm okay. if I'm hungry of thirsty, how was my day...was I tired...or ..what movie I want to watch on DVD or apologize he forgot to pay his cable thatthe company cut his cable off. He would begin offering me all the food and drinks he had in his fridge and asked if I was okay (again).

Then we would sit so far away from each other on each end of the sofa set. He had one of those L-shaped sofa set. I would sitting on one end one a sort'a liek yoga position and Inch would sit on the other edge with both his feet on the table sipping his bottle water. He would insert a VHS tape (whatever he had) and he would talk to me. Asked me every single thing he can ask...and I would answer all of them...he sits nearer and nearer. Sometimes, when I complain how I am so tired and my feet and back were hurting, he would just massage my back and feet with lotion and i would fall asleep next to him on his lap.

As I wake up, he's staring at me weird. I would ask him what time it was and he would just tell me, "it's still early" which meant "it's not ime for me to go home yet." So I woudl ask him if I can sleep onthe guest room and he sleep in his room ( he has two rooms in his condo). But he would insist that we sleep in his room and promised, "We'll just sleep." I trusted him. He then would close all his windows because it was raining otuside and it was windy. I would ask him if I can borrow some of his shirts and I would wear it like a night shirt. He would just hug me tight.

I could fall asleep in his arms so quickly. I always remind hism to set the alarm clock before 3 am so I can go home. But he said to wait until the sun is out to go home because it's too risky for me to go home at that hour. So I would just tuck myself in his built arms and I would lay on it and he hugged me tight. Sometimes, we would "messed around" but I would always remind him to "behave." And he would stop.

I miss having his strong arms hold me until I fall asleep. I miss smelling his Hugo Boss cologne all over. I could even smell in on his pillows. I miss hearing him breath so hard next to my ears. I miss how massage my feet and I massage his back. I miss pulling the comforter away from himand he would pull it back away from me. I miss talking to him in the dark in his bedroom. I miss how he would rush waking me when the alarm turns on and he would beg me to so home later. I miss how I would pretend I am sleeping and when I know he was sleeping, I would stare at him and I'd watch him sleep.

I am so stupid for not keeping him. Actually, I was so not over Glenn at that time. I found so many qualities that were just too good to be true in Inch. I found someone in him that made me feel loved again. But this fear took over me and I told him, " I am not ready for it." But I never told him the main reason...that I was scared to fall in love. That I was scared to be hurt again. What if he was one of them typical males?

But he treated me like a queen...I have never felt being placed in that high level of pedestal like Inch did. But I am stupid. Because of that fear, I let him slipped through and away and out of my life.

I send him a birthday card on his birthday on March 4, 2001. I am sure he got it. But he never responded. Is it because he's still mad at me? I apologized and asked for forgiveness. He didn't answer me. I am still waiting. Until that time comes, I am just here. And as ever, he will always be special.

It's just that, at this moment, he is in my thoughts, and I miss him so.

O hayo gazai mazu! Muchi muchi! ( Good day and Hello in niponggo!)

I am getting a bit consious with my writing. I opened my box at Yahoo today and wow, I just realized people are really reading my blogs. I am more concerned with how I write instead of just writing freely. Well, whoever is ShyneVIL...Thanks for the compliments.

Bleh....Nothing much is up right now. What am I doing online? I am trying to get information for my research paper. And at the same time, Glenn's friends are IMing me at aol. And they keep asking if I am okay. Gosh, for the 10th millionth time, I am fine. If there's someone between me and Glenn they need to worry about, it's Glenn. After all, he is the one with all the problems.

I was watching this TV show which I don't really remember if it was from our cable or one of the segments from the Filipino Channel.

The host asked the interviewee,
" How would you describe yourself?"

And she answered it, " I am like a toothpaste that's almost out of paste. I keep squeezing the toothpaste for more paste to come out. Similar to my life, when I feel like I am tired and weary and I have nothing left to do, I just find something else to do and be the best at it and I don't stop. Instead, I squeeze more."

What an interesting anecdote.... I feel like I am like that sometimes. Particularly at times when people put me down. I strive more to be better to prove them wrong and also for my own self accomplishments.

There's this stationary that I had that one of my friends gave me all the say from junior high but I really like how it defined life and men....it's quite explicit but it's rather well-said. It states:

"Life is like a hard dick. When it gets hard, F*ck it!"

"Men are like tissue paper. Soft, strong, and disposable."

Heheheh....LOL Those are my words of wisdom for today. Hope you learned from it as much as I did. LOL

Ja mata ne. (See yah in Japanese)

LITTLE BITS OF EVERYTHING......

..........I thought of Glenn yesterday and I read some of his letters. I used to cry when I read his letters. It reminds me of him. I thought of him and reminisced our moments together. Surprisingly, I didn't shed not a single tear. I actually smiled. I guess, I am really getting better at dealing with my loneliness and thank God for it.

.........I am avoiding Sheila and Janet and this whole issue. I don't know. I still talk to them but I feel there's a wall that's dividing us apart. After Vegas, I realized what kind of people they are. Janet is so immature...and Sheila is so dependent of Janet that she can reverse sides if Janet tells her so. And they don't realized that they hurt people,who I also cared about like Maffi, and they are not even willing to admit they were wrong. It's just why are they like that? What is so hard with saying sorry and admitting you are wrong? Nothing! But to them, it's the issue of pride. Well, I just figured, I don't need friends like these. There's a line between respect and disrespect, and with what they did to Maff, they certainly violated that. I forgave them. And I am still friends with them. Despite the bad times, we still had good times. But I am watching their every move and one more disrespecting, I will go against them and leave.

.........Mom is so nice and I love her!

.........I wonder if Glenn is thinking of me?

.........My ate Bel from Pinas wrote me an emaila nd I told her what Glenn did to me. I wonder if she's going to give me the "I-told-you-so-Glenn-is-not-right-for-you" lecture. I hope not but I am expecting it.

.........Ate Leslie, thanks for talking to me and for being there always. I enjoyed our conversations! and Thanks for reading my blogs.

SIBLINGS BONDING

Remember when I told you I am rekindling my bondings with my siblings? Well, that's exactly we did last night. I had this cough now for a week eversince I got from Vegas. I guess, it's the change of weather and plus, I physically abused my own body by not sleeping early. It's not my fault people in Las Vegas do not sleep. heheheh.

Well, yeah, so I was sick. And we don't have any food in our house I can swallow. My throat is hurting. So I told my brother Long that I am hungry. This was around 12 AM or so. And I said, let's go out and buy soup or noodles or something. We ended up going to these PHO ( Vietnamese REstaurant) here in Koreatown and ordered some Vietnamese soup and noodles. And to top it all, I am on my jammies and I do not care. People at the restaurant were looking at me weird...and I do not give a damn if they find my purple jammies attractive.

So we got the food and headed home. Long and I talked for a while going to PHO and back. We talked about cars and guys and gals and friends and school and everything else. It was a long wait at PHo but yeah, we got a long really fine. When Glenn told me he got that girl pregnant, the first person I talked to was Long. He said Glenn was stupid. I knew he can see it my eyes at that time that I cried.

We got home and Kring, my little sister, is still up and talking on the phone. My siblings and I have these thing that when mom is not here and we're hungry, we eat at our family room ( mom hates it when we eat there). We have this table at the family room that kind of looks like teh japanese dining table. So we sit around and munch our food with chopsticks. It was oonly I and Logn at first and then Kring came and we just talked stories all night.

We talked about Philippines and our school and family and everything else. It seemed like yesterday when we all used to play poker at the living room and we would bet our chores. Or when Kring, Long and I use to watched the Chicago Bulls when Jordan was still there ( who, by the way, I hate and Long and Kring adore!), I would bet my chores for a whole month that will lose the NBA title and they never so I ended up doign all the chores for the whoel month. When ate Bel was here, we were so spontaneous that we would go out of town to San Francisco if we felt like it on a Friday and go back on Saturday.

Last night was one of those nights and we talked endlessly, and laughed ceaselessly, and time was ttickign and we never noticed it. It was fun bondign wiht my siblings again. I slept at three in the mornign tghat I didn't noticed the time. I woke up so late this mornign that I missed my class. But it was worthied to be with my siblings. I am just glad we're now grown up and we're still bonding.

Thursday, April 19, 2001

I'm in school right now.

I hope you're feeling better, Maff.

I just want to say hello to everyone whose reading my nonsense blogs. I should be writing blogs that actually makes sense.It's just my brain cells are not charged at the moment.

Ciao.

Wednesday, April 18, 2001

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MICKEY!
Two more years!!! and you can go clubbing legally!

CHEER UP AND SMILE, MAFF
I got an email from Maff today and it's so full of drama. I don't want you crying, Maff. Often times, I know you feel like a failure because you got married young. I am aware of the wroNG decisions you made when you were young but these shouldn't be downfalls to dreams you want to aCHieve. All these struggles and odds you faced should be stepping stones to where you want to be. Things you have done in the past will be just that, your past and it will not be irreversible. But the future lies ahead of you and opportunities are there waiting for you to grab them. All you have to is grasp anfd reach for them, Maff. We have no time to regret put misdecisions, we can not go back in time to reverse them. But we can make life better for us, Maff. The future is waiting for us to conquer our goals. Yes, being with Melvin was not the greatest achievement and you feel miserable. But as I said before, wherever you are happy, count on me and I will be there. And AJ is there....if he makes you happy, go for it. Remember when you told me, I got you back? Well, you got my back, too. We are only humans and we are not perfect. We all make mistakes. But these mistakes should not be reason for us to look back to where our life has been and be in despair. These mistakes should be the foundations of our strength and determination that we learned from it and we can make an effort to be somebody. I don't want you tho think of yourself as a failure. You are not a failure. In fact, I think, you should know that you are greatly admired. I never knew anyone in my whole life who is as brave as you. You went through hell and back and yet, you survve it each time. What makes you think you're weak now? Maff, you will never be weak. And Please promise me you'll never give up hope. And if it seemed that your world is crumbling down and you feel unloved and alone, please know that I will be angel and I will give you my wings just so you can fly again, the same way you always assure me you are there for me. If you feel that everythign is just too much to bare and the burdens are gettign heavier to carry, don't ever forget that you have a friend in me who is always willing to share that load of burden with you and who will walk with you until you finish the race. I am proud of you, Maff and you should be proud of yourself. After all, I wouldn't be as strogn as I am now if you weren't there for me. Next to the Lord, my parents, and my siblings, you are my also my source of strength. And if you think, you didn't make a difference in anyone's life, you're wrong. You touched my life in ways that no one will ever understand and top. What I am saying is, you're just darn special to me and I will take a bullet for you because you have been such a wonderful friend to me. We have no time for regrets, Maff. Our future lies ahead of us just centimeters with our reach...we must grab it now and make somethign out of it. Who knows where we will be in five years time? Perhaps, you will Attorney Elusorio and I will be Doctor Dela Cruz? I dont' know what the future holds but I know for sure that you will still be a part of me when that comes.Even if we are old and gray, have kids and grandkids, I will never trade our friendship fro anything else. You've proven me from year after year what a good friend you really are. Like Mickey, our friendship became rare and "hard to find" ( like an endangered species...) . I am clueless to what our future has instored for us, but I am sure, you will be my one and only BEST FRIEND. Abd I love you to death....remember that.

BREATH.....

Did I tell you I had an arguement with Sheila and Janet? Well I did. It's that whole unresolved conflicts and issue in Las Vegas and I felt cornered the past two days that last night I felt as if I needed to be blunt and be upfront to them. And I did.

Here's what I said:

TO JANET: " I personally think you need to grow up. Can't you see that your friends and people around you are slowly slipping away from you? Andrea, you own bestfriend dissed you because of your stupid pride? And you even had the nerve to cuss her out? I undersstod your anger, Janet. Sometimes, we tend to be so mad and upset and we say things out of anger. But to yell at Lucy ( Andrea's friend and our friend Steve's girlfriend) and say, "Sit your f*ckin a** back here" was not a right approach. I understood how mad you were but regardless, there were better approaches in handlign matter life these. And Andrea, look past her anger, Janet, she's telling you a message...didn't you even listen? Andrea said, " Of all people, Janet, You my bestfriend, is doing this to me." If you were really bestfriends, petty things like these shoudl nto break your friendship. It's too superficial. And what abotu Lucy? Why are you so mad at Lucy? What did she ever do to you? You answered, "Beacsue she's always late and that irritates you." but personally, I think there's more to that. I think you really like Steve but you're upset because you can't have him anymore because you;re married to Armstrong. And you're mad at Lucy because she's with Steve. I think you're jealouse of her. Now, you can think whatever you think but this is what's in my mind. And I have the right to speak it. And Sheila, she's older than you. She's your older sister, why is it your always bossing her around? Let her be her...let her be the older sister she should be. I am sorry of I am being so honest and blunt, Janet. The truth hurts and this is porbably hurting you but I'd rather say it to you infrotn of your face than talk shit behind your back. I just want you to grow up,. Janet. And stop judgign books by its cover liek you exxagerated rumors against Steve. If Armstorong only knew the truth. You just reverse all the story. But with all that said, I am still your friend.Perhaps, it's true....that you've found your match in me. It's just there has to be someone brave to tell you that you acted without control and your impulse were just too much. And I just think you need to change. You kept saying "you don't care what people say..." but sisterly advice, you will be dealing with people world and with the attitude you have, you will not go anywhere. What is so hard abotu swallowign your pride and acknowledging your faults? There's nothing wrogn with that. I think you're just afraid and embarrassed. Maybe, you will not be abel to realize where I amcomign from now, but I know you will someday.

TO SHEILA:Why si when you make decisions, you have to consult Janet? Why are beign a two face-b*tch? I mean, I heard a different story from you when we were in Las Veags and now, you're switching your whole story up? I hate that. For once Sheila, stand on your own feet. Make frim decisions on your own. Don't live under Janet's shadow. Be the older sister. You shoudl be tellign her your advice and showing her your authority and superior than her. But it seemed to me that you're succumb under her shadow. I don't evn knwow ho to believe. I really fetl bothered by your sudden changed of perspective. And you don't have to side Jante just because she's your sister. You have to look at two points of view and two angles and then judge. But it seemed to me that Janet bought you out to be on her side. I can't blame you.After all, Janet is your sister. But please, establish a freedom of your own and your won will and own way. And not base your decisions with what Jante says. Do it for you. Not because she told you so.

Well, there's more to these btu it's stressign me out that I feel I needed to breath. I told Steve, I will be cooling down with my gimmicks with my friends. I am just drained. I am already stressed out and I don't need more stress in my life right now.

Tuesday, April 17, 2001

Marvelous Mark

Mark picked me up. As soon as he got off his car, he looked at me and smiled.

And he said, "Hello Panget..."
( I always call him that and now he calls me panget~translation: ugly).

I smiled. I am just overwhelmed. I haven't seen Mark for years! He seemed taller and he actually has hair now! hahahLOL. It's just I always knew him bald. And whoa, he has a six pack and "muscles." ( Maffi's kind of man....hehehe)

He gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. And he was looking at me weird.

And asked, " Did you straighten up your hair?"

I said, "YeP..."

And he goes, " I thought so, you look so...different ....More...lady like...not thugged up."

Ewww. So he held my hand and opened the car door and let me in and I watched him go to the driver's seat. It was weird seeign Mark for the first time in years. Like his perception of me, he, too, looked and acted different. More reliable, more mature, more gentleman, more sweet and romantic. It's not the Mark I knew before but I liked his improved version.

We went to Gladstones at Universal Citywalk. We ate there and talk liked ceaselessly about where we have been. Hre aske dme about Glenn and I avoided his stares. He uttered, "You wanna talk about it? I know something is wrong, Len. I can see it in your eyes." We were going to watch a movie but it was too late. The last full show starts at 11:30 and it's just not possible for neither of us to go because he has school in the mornign and I do, too. So we strolled along citywalk liek we used to. We always go to the music store. I dont' know if I mentioned that Mark used to be a logged-in DJ for Power 106- a hip hop radio station here in LA. He used ot DJ parties when we were young and we call him: DJ CLENZROCK. Clence is his middle name. But yeah, we always have the passion for music. He used to do my voicemail and everything. Then off we went to the toy stores, and watch the little kids play with the musical fountain in the middle of Citywalk.

I loved his smiles. I'll say, I am mesmerized. Partly because I missed looking at him. And the way he held my hands, it's just different. He's more gentle and concerned about me.

I told him what Glenn did and he said,
" Why do you go out with guys who have no sense of responsibility and focus?" And I gave him the "I-don't-know" look. Then he goes, "Good though, you dropped that a**hole. He's not worth your time. He never was. I am just sorry that it took you four years to realize that. But, you'll be fine, you're strong and pretty intimidating! You'll deal with it fine. plus...I am here."

The rest of the night flew smoothly. I just felt secure being with him. I can't say I am attracted to him like before. But I know, if ever, he's definitely a keeper. I wouldn't want to foresee events and decisions between me and Mark because I can't say I am over Glenn. But for this time being, I am thankful for his company and his "masculine" chest hehehe.

He took me home. We sat infront of our porch. He noticed that we built a brand new house and I pointed my bedroom. He smiled again.

And he said, "You dont' have your secret door anymore. Youc an't sneak me in."

And I said, "Who said I was going to sneak you in? Please, Mark, don't flatter yourself."

" I was just kidding. I thought I might get a chance. Maybe, someday...,"
He looked at me and waited for my reaction and said,
"Psyche!"

And then silence...

And then his eyes looked at mines and I felt as if I am melting.

"Can I kiss you?" he asked.

Dumbly, I said, " Huh?"

" I want to kiss you, is that okay?" he asked again.

Then he did. It was one of the most passinate kiss I've ever had. Glenn was a sloppy kisser. The restof my exes were, too. Mark was gentle. His lips were soft. And gosh he closed his eyes.( I peeked okay!?) He takes his time and enjoys it. He gave me a little smack and kiss on the forehead.

" I miss that...four years...damn that's a long time." he added.

I looked at my watch and I said I had to go because it was late and he has to go home all the way to their house in Glendale. I told him to go home. And then he kissed me again. I kind of pushed him away and said, " Go home now before your mom starts yellign at you when you tiptoe yourself to your room."

He took me to our front door and made sure I was safe and sound. He said he'll call me. I barely got in my room, the phone rang. It was him.

"Thank you for a lovely evening, " He said.

"You're welcome, " I said.

We hung up. Twenty minutes later, phone rang again.

" I forgot to say good night and I will call you tomorrow as soon as I get off school." It's him again!

I said Good night and thanked him as well.

" I'll miss you, panget" he said.

"Okay, I'll miss you, too panget...night!" I hunged up the phone.

I went to bed smiling. Whoa, Exactly 9 days after Glenn broke my heart, I am dating. And I am dating Mark! And I love it!

Monday, April 16, 2001

MARK: My "homie-lover-friend"

I am killing time right now. Strange because eight days after I decided to get Glenn off my life, I get a call from Mark, my long lost friend. We're going on a date tonight. He's picking me up and I am waiting for him.

Just a little introduction of Mark:

Mark was a friend of mine five or six years ago before I even met Glenn. We were good friends, we go on dates a lot, we go to parties. We were like best friends. One day we decided to try being a "couple." But it just wouldn't work. I guess, because we knew each other so much and we knew each other's trust and secrets that we figured it wasn't a good idea for us to hook up. I had this weird attraction to Mark that makes me go out with him all the time. But I dont' know if he felt the same way. He became sort'a like "homie-lover-friend" to me and vice versa. We would go to parties separately and nobody will ever notice we were together. We would secretly meet up after the party to be together. Other times, Mark would knock on my window and I would sneak him inside my room quietly and we would sleep and talk...sometimes, "messed around."

Then Glenn came along, I thought Mark didn't like me or loved me. I talked to him how Glenn was courting me and ne would just say sarcastic remarks like " You're trading me for someone else..., " or "you don't love me anymore.." But I don't think it was seriously said. So after ^months of courting I went for Glenn. And it was him eversince. A month after I was with Glenn, Markk professed his love for me. But it was too late. I had Glenn. Mark and I remained very good friends. We would go out and watch movies but more subtle and behaved. He told me he loved me and that I should leave Glenn. But I can't...I was too inlove with Glenn. Plus, it wouldn't be fair for Glenn. And durign the times, I amhavign problems with Glenn, Mark would always utter, " I told you, you should've gone for me.."Over the years, Mark and I kept in touch. I stop seeing him two years ago because Glenn was jealouse of him. We still talked and he's always asking me out on a date but I kept turning it down because of Glenn.

Then he called today. He said he has been calling me for months but I was never home. He said he has been trying to get in touch with me the past week so we can go out or something since he is on Spring Break but I wasn't home. It's funny how we grew up from being young, rebellious, and weak high school kids to professional and mature adults. Mark is now a senior in college and a Computer Science Major and I am a nurse. Whoa! And I am going on a date with him tonight. The first time ever in two years! I wonder what will happen. I am excited.

So I'm just here...and I am waiting....

TEN THINGS.......

TEN THINGS I LOVE ABOUT SPRING BREAK IN VEGAS

1) Maff - Spring Break will never be fun without Maff. She's just my wings right now. I thank her for everything that she is and has been and will ever be. I love you girl! Just be assured that I am here for you ALWAYS. And My god daughter Alyssa- she's such a cutie. I can't wait until she grows up so I can take her shopping with me. I will be one of those super cool god mothers. Maff would probably hate me! heheh

2) Watching "Meet the Parents" in DVD with Maff and Mel - it's just funny! It tickled my funny bone so hard that up until now my stomach is aching! I recommend this!

3) California Hotel - This is one of those old school hotel in downtown Las Vegas. There's a restaurant/cafe at the second floor with the Hawaiian atmosphere. It just reminds me of Hawaii and "good memories" with Glenn. Oh yeah, who can forget my favorite dish there? The "ox tail soup." Maff, how many times can I ever eat ox tail soup in a week and never get sick and tired of it?

4) Sleeping beside Mickey, Sheila, and OJ on the floor in the same room - Okay I lied, they slept and I didn't.But yes, we were laying beside each other in that room. I couldn't sleep. But it was fun!

5) Talking to Mickey from 4 until 7 in the morning at the porch and in that same room while Sheila and Ben were sleeping - Bading, where we talking? or were we wisphering? heheheh. We had this long talk about life. Mickey was the third person I talked to that long besides Glenn and Maffi. I enjoyed how we discuss issues in our lives and our lovelives. Thanks for warning me about OJ. I really appreciate the honesty, concern, and laughters. and Seeing Mickey's surprised reaction when I brought Steve at Maff's house from Stardust. He was flabbergasted!

6) Studio 54 @ MGM - It 's the club at MGM where we went clubbing. The music wasn't particularly my type but I loved the ambiance.
I loved :
- how there were half naked bodies of men and women dancing on the ledge! Whoa! "Take it off!
- how there was some sort of a show when this couple, hanging on a string came from above,
- how the DJ played different types of music.
- the special effects like the confettis and balloons falling down on you while dancing, the vidoe camera takign shots of you and you can see how stupid you lokked dancing on TV!
- the three levels of dancefloor, so you can check out fine guys from the second floor and vice versa.
- I am glad the serve cocktails like "sex on the beach."
- how the bartender went to our table and asked if I wanted anything and I ordered " water" and she didn't laugh at me. ( I was getting drun, okay....I needed a non-alcoholic beverage.
- when OJ bought me my drink.
- John' s friend is so fine!!!!!! Whoa! His name is Ben, too. And he's intelligent...I want to see him again. I heard he's movign here in LA for good!

7) Bellagio Hotel - I want me one of these! I was in awe! I just loved it! I loved the dancign fountains with the "She's the One" music background.

8) Bell'z Factory Outlet - shopping, shopping, shopping! especially when you see the same brand name stuff you saw at the mall were marked off 50 % off!

9) Sheila - for keeping things in order.

10) OJ's hugs---it's very comforting. But that's all we'll ever be, friends.

TEN THINGS I HATE ABOUT VEGAS

1) some people (You guys know who you are!) ruined my "vacation mood." They fought about every single little nonsense things! I just hate it a lot! People were gettign on each others nerve and I got tired of playing as the referee. These people cussing each other out...RRrrrr. One cries, one walks out, another cries and say, " I'll take the bus home," and one slams the car door, and one cusses hed bestfriend and bestfriend cries, one didn't get into the club and evrybody followed, some people pissed off, soem just plain rude!!! it's the whoel enchilada! I hated it!

2) The drive from Las Vegas to LA - It's like getting stuck in a crowded prison cell and you're not allowed to talk to anybody. I hated it so much I slept my butt off all the way. It was that bad. To add more to these, I was starving and thirsty and nobody even bothered to have a break, it was hell' a traffic and no one's talking. I should have taken the flight back home.

3) Hawaiians talking "pidgin language" because it felt as if I hear Glenn's voice every where because that's how he talks. They talk awfully funny and like fobs! It's quite irritating!

4) This one lady we saw at Bellz Factory and she was showing off her newly made "silicone boobies." She was staring me and Maffi down and bragging her boobs. She thought she was all that so to pissed her off, I made this remarked, " Stupid silicone boobs! Please! Look at mines, at least, mines is real!" I know, it was rude of me, but she really got on my nerves.

5) I missed Glenn. I cried one day and it was the last day I was there. I just missed him.

6) I hate how Maff''s "man" is not treating her right. Please Maff, move on and come back here in Cali.

7) I found out OJ is a player from Bading.

8) Our group was separated. It just seemed like we were strangers.

9) I chaperoned Steve and Lucy....

10) Leaving Maff and Alyssa, it's probably the hardest thing. But I'll ssee you soon.

Sunday, April 15, 2001

Just got back....there were good things and bad things that happened in Vegas but I will start typing that up tomorrow because I am just plian tired right now. If there were things I learned in Vegas, they are:

1) It is so nice to have a friend who will always be there for you no matter what. Thanks Maff and Mickey!

2) There are people we will meet in our lives that are total bitches and assholes. Now, you can cuss the sh*t or slap the sh*t out of them, but will that make you feel better? I ddn't think so. I told Maff, I chose not to do any of these because I want to show them I have MORE CLASS and INTELLIGENCE than how they are dealing with stupid little situations in their mere childish ways and that I am not going down to their level. Please don't insult my intelligence! Grow up! (You know who you are). As what Mickey said, "Nori, it's like having a computer, they are Pentium 1 or lower, I am Pentium 2 and you are Pentium 4." Thanks! But we really can't please anybody especially those who choose not to give you respect and courtesy. simply these people are selfish and brainless!

3) O.J. and I will JUST BE FRIENDS. That's final.

4) Love sucks! I know Maff, I will try to stop crying!

I'll keep you posted for more. I need to get some sleep. I have school at 6:30 am tomorrow.

Tuesday, April 10, 2001

LAS VEGAS, HERE I COME!!!!

I am leaving to Las Vegas tonight and I probably won't be able to post as much blogs as I usually do on a regular basis. But for you all of you who wants to email me, you know where to reach me. So I guess, just keep me updated. And I'll do the same as soon as I get back from Spring Break. Actually, I just realized it will be crunch time for me whne I get back because it will term paper time and finals. But I'll do just fine. That is why I feel like I really need a break.

Let's make a deal....I will HAVE FUN in Las Vegas. Glenn asked me the other day if I can meet his brother Dan there to make sure I am okay. And I just told him, if Dan wants to see me, I will be on Hard Rock Cafe (in the club) on Tuesday night (which is today) with Maffia and friends. Was that a good answer or what? But I am quite psyche seeign Maff again. We're like Thelma and Loiuse, partners in crime, and everything. Oh yeah, it all worked out between the guy in Chicago and Maff. She shoudl be flying there soon. She wants me to go with her. But I don't want ot eb her chaperone! hehehe LOL. Besides, I would just get in the way. Maff called and told me the good news this morning around midnight. She is so happy. Well, I am happy for her. At least, one of us is happy. I told you, Maff, you'd feel better.

Maff made a deal that we'll have a beauty day to get our new hair dos and get our nails done. Can I get a spa and massage with that, too? Or should i just get a new guy to do that for me? Inch used to massage my feet. Oh yeah, I made Maff a promise that if ever I will date a guy again, I will make sure he has all the qualities I want. What are they? Hmm, he has to be intelligent, stable emotionally, mentally, professionally and financially (not that I care about his money, I have my own money but it just seem that he can stand on his own feet and not a scrub), okay, he doesn't have ot be fine looking but he has to be cute, my mom and my whole family should adore him, my friends should get along him, he has to be sensitive, romantic, and a bit of ghettoness, he has to be SINGLE WITH NO KIDS PLEASE!!!!, and not a gambler or smoker. I don't mind casual drinkers but not alcoholic. Well, see, I'll update you!

Well, so there you go, Las Vegas, here I come! Viva! Las Vegas!

Maff, see you in 8 hours! I can't wait!

ONE DAY AT A TIME

It's weird how my friends were calling me all day long yesterday. Mickey called, OJ called, and gosh Maff, how many times can we talk in one day? And to think that I will be with you there in Vegas today. hehehe LOL. I am just thankful I have wonderful friends. I love you guys! Truly,

"A true friend understands when you say, I forgot; waits forever when you say, just a minute; stays, when you say leave me alone; opens, the door even before you knock and says can I come in?"

A FRIEND is someone who's there when the rest of the world close their doors"

The good news is, a day after Glenn broke my heart, I am smiling and laughing my butt off. So I guess, that is a positive thing. I guess, all the crying help. Let's see, I didn't cry last night because I was too sleepy and tired to cry and besides, my eyes were so sore from crying and OJ was telling me if he saw me with chinky eyes on Friday when they get to Vegas, he'll be laughing at me. Sheila remarked that my eyes will too tiny when they see me that I won't be able to see them. Hehee...very funny...NO! Stop making fun of my eyes! It helped talking to OJ and Mickey. Mickey and I confided our little secret. Hmm, I can't tell you but it has something to do with his lovelife and my...oh well, past.

I did cry just right now. Because I was suppose to talk to mother about things yesterday but for some reason, I just don't have the nerve to actually try. So I decided, I 'd give her a card that says thank you and I love you and enclose my 5 pages letter. And I told her the entire story why I am so aloof and quiet lately. I told him about the cad who tore my heart into bits and pieces. so while I was writing the letter and listening to KCi and Jojo, I started crying. Did I tell you music is veyr stimulating? Well, it is.

Anyways, I am taking it one day at a time. It's not an easy journey. Only time will heal can heal my pain. I have this qoutes on my webpage in AOL that states,"

"LOVE is when you shed tears and still, you care for him,
it's when he ignores you and still, you long for him.
It's when he begins to love another
And yet, you still smile and say, " I'm happy for you."

"There comes a time when we have to stop loving someone
not because that person has stopped loving us
but because we have found out that they'd be happier if we let go."

This sums up what I feel at the moment. But I should feel rejuvinated as soon I as I get back to Las Vegas. I think this Spring Break will come on really handy for me because I am feeling wuite down and miserable right now. But I should feel much better.

Monday, April 09, 2001

ONE LAST CRY

"My shattered dreams and broken heart
are mending on the shelf.
I saw you holding hands
and standing close to someone else…
now I sit, all alone,
wishing my feelings were gone.
Got to get over you, n
othing for me to do
but have one last cry"
(from Brian Mcknight's song "One Last Cry")
Finally, I talked to Glenn last night. It was probably the last time, for now, that I will ever get to talk to him. It's the time I am putting closure to what I am feeling for him. It's the time I am closing our love story that ended up in flames...burning. It's time for me to say GOOD BYE.....

I asked Glenn how many girlfriends did he have in the Philippines, jokingly. *Silence* and no remarks.Okay, I'd give it another try.

"How are you?" I asked him eagerly.

"Good, I guess..," he answered selfishly.

"I guess? Why I guess? "

Then he blurted, "How are you?.....How's Maffi?.....How's school?...."

He sounds ......so concerned. He's so....different. This is not Glenn. He's quiet...too quiet, I say. There has to be something wrong. I could smell it. I smelled it when he last called me from the Philippines. I know it was something I don't want to hear.

With a deep breath, I asked," What's wrong?"

First, Glenn said nothing was wrong. No, I demanded somethign was wrong. I reminded him he was talking to me and he's not talking to anyone else. I KNOW if something's bothering him or if something's on his mind and he can't tell me. I don't know how it went to our conversation. It's in the tone of his voice. I could sense discomfort and sadness. I know I am seconds away from hearing something I know that will hurt me. I know Glenn was cathering up his guts to tell me.

Then the next fatal blow hit me.....

"I got her pregnant," Glenn said. "She just called me. She is positive."

*pause*

Tears were falling from my eyes. Glenn continued on telling me he got the girl fromt he Philippines pregnant. He said it was the same girl who he cheated on me with last year. I asked him if he loved her. He answered "yeah, I guess." Supposedly, she was two weeks pregnant. Two weeks? Glenn was only int he Philippines for one month!? How can she be two weeks pregnant? I asked Glenn if they did "it" right away as soon as he got there. He denied that he did it a week after he got there. He said he was sorry. And that's all he kept saying. He said that he told his mom and his mom is not saying anything. He was crying and he said, "why is it when I messed up and no ones there for me, you're always the peson I run to?"

I don't know. His confession is probably the answer to all the debate of giving US a second chance or letting him go completely. Obviously I can't have him anymore. And of course, it hurts. I knew I had two choices: one, to get mad and cuss the sh*t out of him OR two, to talk to him nicely and tell him, "I am happy for him and if he needs a friend, I am here."

I choose two. I told him, I knew he wouldn't be able to justify all the things he did to me. But if he wants to know what I was thinking. Yes, it hurts a lot but I also said I forgave him. I forgave him for everything he has done to me. Adn I thanked him for loving me ONCE and for proving myself I am strong. I asked him what were his plans and if he was planning to marry her and all he said was " Yeah, I guess." I told him , I knew he's feeling so much guilt and I knew how his conscience is killing him but told him not to feel bad. That I would still be his best friend and vice versa. And lastly, that " I am happy for him. Congratulations."

He said,"You're crying..." I don't show him the side of me that's weak. This was probably the the first and last time. I told him that he doesn't have to worry about me because this is the last time I will cry for you and tomorrow is a new day. Like the rest of the times, I will move on. I told him to promise me I will always be his friend and assured him, I will be better and he needs not to worry. Maybe this is for the better. Everything happens for a reason and I am certain this has to have a purpose.

You may all say, I am such a martyr. I should have cust him out and made him feel bad. Will I feel justified if I did that? No....I am so sure he's feeling so bad about himself that I don't need to make it even worse. This guilt will be in him for the rest of his life. I want to leave him with good memories of me. I want to leave him knowing I was still the same person he fell in love with. I want to leave him knowing that I didn't messed up, he did. I want to leave him with a memento that I was a woman he will never ever have again but he should be thankful for that.

April 9, 2001
6:02 AM

Dear Glenn,

Yes, I am crying right now. I am crying because I am hurt. I am sure you know why. You just destroyed the pinch of heart I have left. But you know what, I will remain optimistic behind it. The truth is, I feel like you just shot me alive. But don't feel sorry. I am capable of getting out of this mess and misery.

You know what I feel for you. I still love you but it's the wrong feeling to feel now that you have found someone new and is pregnant of your baby. So eventually, I will let go of everything I feel for you. It's just a matter of time for the pain to subside and for the scars, the wounds, and my soul to heal.

Thank you for being the love of my life. Your memory will forever be engraved in my heart. I cherished all the time and the feelings shared. It was worth every minute.

Please take care of her and the baby. Keep in touch if you can. I am wtill your bestfriend...and I assure you I will be here. She need to not to worry about me. If she ask, tell her I am your bestfriend.

Goodbye, BE...this is the last time, you will hear me call you, BE. From this day forward, I will call you GLENN.

Thanks for the memories and the LOVE. Thank you for loving and for hurting me...perhaps for my betterment.

Forget me not.

Love,
Len

Sunday, April 08, 2001

DISAPPOINTMENTS

My religion is such a huge part of me. People may think I am the most unlikely person who is actually attached to my spiritual sense of being. But I am. I believe I should be a roel model for other youths. And at the same time, I try very hard to be there for them so they can follow the right path.

I went to church today like I always do. And the pastor gave us this sermon about being disappointed. He talked about how Jesus had so many disappointments and yet, he moved on. Like Jennifer, ( our social service worker at church~~ she's a very good friend of mine), planned and prepared for this carnival yesterday for months and months. She invited bands, dancers, performers, petting zoo, and advertisements but yesterday, when the carnival day came for the church, it rained and nobody showed up. It was quite a disappoinment for Jenifer. The pastor went on, " There will be many more disappointments in our lives. But there was probably a reason for that disappointment and tomorrow is another day."

Ahh, I have a lot of disappointments. Not choosing the right friends, loving wrong men, not being the role model I should be for my siblings, saying things that hurt my parents, and many more. But pastor was right, there are more of the good days compared to the few disappointments I had. Ia m truly blessed, I guess. And I thank the Lord for everything.

Last week, I got into a huge argument with my mom and today, we talked about our lives. She asked me when I was leaving for Vegas with Maff. It's strange how we fight and make up. We don't even have to say sorry. In fact, we went out yesterday to Catch 21 and today, we all ate at Bahay Kubo.

Glenn and I haven't been talking. I called him today. He said he was cleanign up his fish tank and I know how it took hours. So I said, I'll call him back in two hours. After this, I'll call him. I asked him why he can;t call me and he said i'ts for financial reasons---menaing he's just flatbroke right now and his pay check isn't coming until next week. What does this mean? I don't know. Where is it heading between me and Glenn? I am not too sure either. I am just glad to hear his voice and to know he is okay.

My Lord works in miracles I don't understand and yet, I am pleased. He gives me disappointments and I endured great disappointments but He knows His plans for me. He plans to give me something better. Despite the countable disappointments I had, I had more great smiles and laughters and joys.

PRAYER: Lord, so many times I have been ungrateful for all that you give me especially when I am loved, secured and in comfort. I only rememebr you when I am hurt, in pain, unloved, or disappointed. Lord, take this chance to always remind me that even everybody turned their back on me, you will always be there as long as I call on your name. And though, sometimes, I encounter few disappointments, help me remember that it is bnecause you have great plans for me. Sorry for my shortcomings, oh Lord...and the peopel around me. But bless me and everybody else who touched my lives in my everyday living.

Maff and I just talked. I told her I miss Glenn. She called Glenn for me and his mom answered and told her Glenn is sleeping. She promised she'll talk to Glenn tomorrow. I instructed her to tell Glenn that "I was just checking if he got back from the Philippines just fine. And if he can call me as soon as possible because he will not be able to talk to me next week because I will be leavign to Las Vegas. And just tell him that I miss him." I know it sounds so lame and so desperate....but I AM!!!!! okay, I admit.

Maff and I also discuss her "problem" with this guy. Maff, I want you to talk to him and EXPLAIN everything. If you can't do it anymore, I am here for you. Just give him my number and I'l handle it for you. Trust me, you'll feel better once this is over. Don't you worry, I am here on your side and you got my back no matter what.

Wha.....I miss Glenn so much. Hope to talk to him soon.

SILENCE

Can you believe eversince Glenn came home from the Philippines, we haven't even attempted to talk to each other? Why? Truthfully, I have no idea. Right now, it's just silence.

On my part, it's pride. Firstly, because of the fact, that he is the man and it's suppose to be his job to call me. Secondly, he is the one who has some explaining to do regarding the fact that he told me " i don't what i feel for you " and then all the sudden, he called me overseas from PI and told me, " I miss you.." Now what in the heck was that? Thirdly, I am assuming this is his way of telling me that "he needs space," or " I found someone new," or "It's really completely over," or "I don't want anything to do with you." Any of these might be valid. Glenn used this same pattern of behavior when he said he had a "fling" with "Dee." He was avoiding me and he wasn't calling me. Then he met this girl from hi last vacation in Philippines, he chose not to call me. And when he finally did, it was because he was so afraid of me. So I am thinking, it is probably the same reason why he is not calling me again.

On Glenn's side, I really don't know. Perhaps, it's also pride. He's expecting me to call him. So I guess, it's just a waiting game. Perhaps, it can also be what I just said, he's afraid to call me because he might hurt me of he says "he found someone new." ( But I wouldn't be surprise if he did.) Perhaps, this is also his way of telling me me "there's no cahnce for us...anymore."

Ahhhh...I don't know. I just know this immense silence and waiting is killing me. I attempted to crankcall him and he was there. It's him I know because he has this distinctive rusty voice and plus, it's only him and his mom who live in their house. I want to know what he is up to this time. I yearn to find out answers to my confusion and us.

Is this his way of telling me "we're history?" That we are now a "close book?" This silence, does it mean he's pushing me away? Does it mean, it's really really over between us? That's how he ended things with Reiko before I met him. They, too, ended in silence. So, is this silence dictating to me, that this is "good bye" for Glenn and I, too? Is this silence suppose to help me think things over? Well, it's not working. It'a actually making things worse for me right now and I am not feelign any better.

I don't know. I wish I know the answer.

Thursday, April 05, 2001

*zig* and my absence of hope

I got a letter from my ex Zig whose in jail for abour 5 months because he violated his probation. He's getting out soon, he said. Oh well, I wrote him a long letter last week, gave him this whole lecture about "changing his ways" and "be responsible." He answered all my questions. I know he has been through a lot, probably much more than what I have been going through. And yet, he has this positive outlook in life. He said he knew he has so start a new when he gets out and he will. Just like the time when people judged him, times when the mother of her son decided he wasn't worth her time and she took the kid and gave him no more right to be with Ziggy, like all the times he endured great pains cna struggles, HE WILL MOVE ON and MAKE SOMETHING POSITIVE for a change.

This is a guy who is "hardcore thug." He gets into a fight here and there. But he could never pass with his "thugness" with me because, I can be a total "anal" when I am mad. Zig is one of those guys with mental toughness and roughness. Sure, he is more than that. I saw both sides of him and he does have a sensitive side that only a few people see and I guess, I am one of them. He's friendly, sweet, accomodating when he chooses to be. When we were together, I didn't see the ghetto side of him.I always saw the opposite. It's just, like any other guy, he got tempted and so I had to put an end to us. But over the years, he knows, we remained good friends. He still asks me if I want him back and I always say, 'NO."

But I am thinking is, how can a guy like him have so many things to look forward to? He came from a broken family, being passed from siblings to another, to mom or dad, the gang who didn't him any good, girls who used him and the ones who loved him (but he messed up~i fall on this category), and yet, he remained positive. He has hopes...and desires to be someone and prove everyone else wrong.

And me, I am drained with the hatred people have in me. I am getting tired of how my life is designed with a manual. I envy Zig's spontaneity, his drive to face another day with a smile, his hopes for tomorrow. Why can't I have the same perspective on life? I feel like I am on a dead end road. And Zig is on a freeway with twists and turns where he can choose his own road. I am being judged for every single thing....and I hate that.

Is it right that I have this absence of hope? We talked about it in Englsih class yesterday and I am somewhat feeling like the character in the play Night Mother.

Ah.... I'll be better. I

t's just I am emotionallya nd mentally fatigued and weary...I just need a break...some time to break free from this sadness I feel. That is why I really think, Las Vegas was a good place to vent off. Perhaps, I will have happy entries as soon as I get back.

Ok...gots to jam, I think my mom is trying to read my entry. Ok...I think she is. Okay. Later.

Wednesday, April 04, 2001

The Tears Behind My Eyes

When I'm in a crowd, I am always the "clown" that's yearning to cry. But I must not. People around me thinks of me as a human with toweing strength as strong as a concrete wall of China.

But look at my eyes....
there's almost tears wanting to fall down....

I stood infront of the man I loved all my life, he chose to tell me he "tried someone new," and he was sorry. he waited for my to shed a tear, to show him my dash of my shattered heart, a pinch of my emotions. I stood there, pretending to be emotionless, feelingless, no sight of tears...not even a grain...I walked back standing firm to my ground showing no signs of weakness.

But he doesn't know...
I hide...the pain so well, the hurt that's tearing me apart,
It's there...in the corner of my eyes...
the barrel of tears fell as soon as I turned my back on him.

My mother thinks I am "stubborn" that I "chose to do things just like I want it." She said I have no sense of compasson or consideration. I don't even think if my words hurt others or not...that I should be sensitive and not cold. And my face looked firm... eyebrow up, pretending not to listen, that I didn't hear anything. I go on my way...like it didn't affect me. I remarked..."just say it all now so I can swallow all these hatred all at once...with just one fatal blow." And she contined on....more sarcasm, more torment. She thinks I am like a robot...witn no feelings and thoughts.

The trut h is, I am bleeding...
Like a bloody soldier wounded from a gun shots fired towards me...
waiting for the big missile to target me so everything would just be done.
and tears, these tears I hide are just too much to bear,
the barrels multiply in millions everyday.
It's there but it's unnoticed.
Stare at it closely, it's hidden BEHIND my eyes.

Once again, I go on. I move forward....
carrying hopes for better tomorrow...
facing people who continue to down me and negatively criticize me,
facing the circumstances that brought me my lasting strength today,
They don't see me weak and tired...
with tears falling from my teary eyes...
they see my masked statue of courage.

What they dont know is,
I am almost on the verge of my last strength...
Just waiting for that one last fatal blow to hit me...

Meanwhile, all these sorrow is in my eyes....
Look closer,
Stare at it even closer,
Search within....
You see my brown eyes,
crying with blood...
because of my wounded heart....
Do you see?
These are the tears FALLING ceaselessly,
BEHIND my CRYING eyes.

*NOTE: I know what a sad concept. I am just in these mood right now. Sorry....if I put you through this melacholy atmosphere.

PS. These are made especially for people who thinks I am coldhearted like a thick block of ice. Please, I am human, too. I have emotions,t oo. Please be sensitive.

While everyone is rushing to do the minicase book term paper of some sort about censoring rap and roak music, I am here in the digital imaging lab...and killing time.

Today has been quite a drag. It's just I'm quite disappointed of my friends' behavior and performance in school. Most of them are slacking. I called Sheila up just couple minutes ago before Steve took me out for lunch, (Thanks for the lunch, Steve!Thanks for making me feel better.) and she was rushing our paper due in about an hour. And then she added, she "wasn't worried about English 102" because that "class is not transferrable to Cal-State LA." Don't get me wrong, Sheila is a very good and close friend of mine but it just the mentality she has on things that sets me apart from her. For instance, when I am striving to accomplish things, she's on the lay back side. The paper we had, I rushed it, too but it's just I guess, I get done just right on time. And I am relieved. Her, she rushed it couple hours and then if she doesn't get it done, she makes a comment "ahh, I'll turn it in next week." Was that an excuse? Homeworks are responsibility. And one is responsible for everything assigned to them but why is giving excuses valid? Oh well, I am not upset at her. It's just I know she can much more than that. It's just she's responsible and all and I guess, I was expecting too much from her.

I chatted with Manong Takeshi last night and it's great to have these fun conversation with him all the time. We just talk about life and fun times and bad times and wacky times....and "censored" things. I enjoy having these open talks with him about life. Takeshisan, I thank you dearly for understanding your "ading" always and never getting sick and tired of my endless dramas. Please know that your little sis Norichan is here for you always.

I just parted with Scuba Steve couple minutes ago. I am flattered to know that he " looks up to me." I don't see myself as an inspiration. I had things in the past that I was not proud of...wrong set of friends and peer pressure and the tempting devilish environment...but it made me feel good that there's one person who puts me in that high levels of respect and honor that my mom didn't think was appropriate for me to be in. Steve said he has great respect for me for my intuitions and achievements in life. He said he has never met someone whose as smart and responsible as me. Was that supposed to be a good thing? It was for me. All week long, all I heard was negative putdowns against me. It was like a smooth melody running through my ears to find out that I inspire someone to be somebody. Thanks Pol-pol....I am here to always listen, confide, help and be there for you, whenever you need me.

Tuesday, April 03, 2001

zzzzNighty nite peeps.

Nighty nite, GLENN...

Nighty nite, 'Be.

I miss you

This tarnished SOUL

I crankcalled Glenn couple minutes ago. And he answered. But I hung up the phone. He's home and he's not calling me. He's getting on my nerves. He really is. I have no idea if he's been calling me but I think he is. But I am not sure. It's just I have couple consecutive crankcalls from my voicemail that's connected to my phone and it's like every minute. I hate it. I hate it when he's doing this. I mean, I want to call him and I want to talk to him and he's been giving me this "I -miss-you" and "I-can't-live without-you " speech and now, he's giving me the cold shoulder again. I don't get it. I am giving him this chance to explain himself but he's not getting it. He's doing this stupid cycle over and over again.

I was reading someone else's blogs earlier and supposedly it came from the show, The X-files, it states, "If wounds and scars can heal, so must be the soul." I hate to say but I am not fully recovered from Glenn. It's just every time I try to move on, he still lingers through my head and this desire to go back with him comes up again. I want him back, sometimes....but most of the time, I think I can survive on my own. But it''s lonely being on your own. Most of the time, I feel so isolated from everybody.It's strange because people thinks I am "wacky and funny" but they don't know my pain inside. They have no idea that's my soul's almost dead. I have this physical sense of well-being but what's a body without a soul? I think I have a pinch of soul left.

My soul died a long time ago. The first time I found out Glenn was cheating on me...that soul of mine stop breathing. My soul's been abandoned and neglected. It's tainted with pricklinmg needles, slashed with sharp knives, targetted by bows and arrows, shot by a gun, scratched by a broken glass...everything. I guess, I revived it for my own self...for my own benefit...just to give some strength to just take a step each day and move on. I am dying and feeling like I am being burried deeper to my grave. I have never thought of committing suicide because I feel like I am being killed slowly and gradually anyway with all the pain and misery I am feeling. Why kill yourself when other people are doing it for you?.It's just a waste of time. Let them do what they want to do with you. Just sit there and wait for that crumbling moment when you ahve no more strength to hold on to. Everyday when I hear people saying all these negative comments about me and my life, my soul's being tarnished. It's slashed each and every time I hurt, each and every time I cry.

Strange thing is, I hide my tears. I can count people who have seen me cry. Glenn never saw me cry to him in person. I just don't cry infront of him. Zig saw me tear but not cry. Inch never saw me cry, neither Mike or any of my exes. Maff saw me cry. People who knows me see as "strong." But they don't see the twinge in me, the yearning to cry, the tears that I shed from ym eyes each and every night, those times I sit in the fornt porch, all I do is cry. Glenn thinks I am his strength shen he gets weak. What he doesn't know is , like him, I am weak. I was pretending to be strong for him.

My mom's givign me this sermon right now. "You're stubborn...every time I tell you something, if you chose not to listen, you wouldn't listen..." I want to answer her back but i am stopping myself. I want to answer her, "What's the point of listening when all I hear is negative things about me? I'd rather not hear it. I 'd rather be shot by a gun than to hear how I am such a negative aspect to them. I just rather not hear anything." My heart is filled with misery right now. It's overflowing with pain. Hurt that I accumulated all these years and never vented out. It just multiply each time I am downed. I am drowning in this whirlpool of melancholy. My whole world is circling around this dark abyss and I am there....just waiting for this whirlpool to absorb me in and swallow me completely.

If each and every soul was made out of sparkling silver or gold, my soul is made of dirtyand rusty thin can that's been recycled and reused and revived. If each and every soul was smooth and soft, mines is rough and rugged because I've travelled each and every journey, fought each and every battle, swam the shallowest and the deepest ocean, climbed the steepest mountain....and though, I am tired, to people I love like mom and Glenn, I am never enough. Whatever I do is not appreciated and they want more. If each and every soul represents the colors of the rainbow, my soul will never be one of them. It will be the colors of the midnight moon on a stormy, lightning skies...just plain black and blue with taints of gray.
I used to dream I was that angel watching over the people I love, guiding their every move, carrying their every burden. Now, I am an angel no more. I lost my wings to fly. I lost my desire to fly. My soul lost its' longing to be free.

Now, I am just imprisoned on my own cage, wanting to break free btu I can't do that anymore, I am locked here and I don't have the key to get out. So I guess, until I gather up all my enthusiasm and strength to regain that wings to fly, I and my tarnished soul, will just be right here....

....imprisoned and in chains.