ONE LAST CRY

"My shattered dreams and broken heart
are mending on the shelf.
I saw you holding hands
and standing close to someone else…
now I sit, all alone,
wishing my feelings were gone.
Got to get over you, n
othing for me to do
but have one last cry"
(from Brian Mcknight's song "One Last Cry")
Finally, I talked to Glenn last night. It was probably the last time, for now, that I will ever get to talk to him. It's the time I am putting closure to what I am feeling for him. It's the time I am closing our love story that ended up in flames...burning. It's time for me to say GOOD BYE.....

I asked Glenn how many girlfriends did he have in the Philippines, jokingly. *Silence* and no remarks.Okay, I'd give it another try.

"How are you?" I asked him eagerly.

"Good, I guess..," he answered selfishly.

"I guess? Why I guess? "

Then he blurted, "How are you?.....How's Maffi?.....How's school?...."

He sounds ......so concerned. He's so....different. This is not Glenn. He's quiet...too quiet, I say. There has to be something wrong. I could smell it. I smelled it when he last called me from the Philippines. I know it was something I don't want to hear.

With a deep breath, I asked," What's wrong?"

First, Glenn said nothing was wrong. No, I demanded somethign was wrong. I reminded him he was talking to me and he's not talking to anyone else. I KNOW if something's bothering him or if something's on his mind and he can't tell me. I don't know how it went to our conversation. It's in the tone of his voice. I could sense discomfort and sadness. I know I am seconds away from hearing something I know that will hurt me. I know Glenn was cathering up his guts to tell me.

Then the next fatal blow hit me.....

"I got her pregnant," Glenn said. "She just called me. She is positive."

*pause*

Tears were falling from my eyes. Glenn continued on telling me he got the girl fromt he Philippines pregnant. He said it was the same girl who he cheated on me with last year. I asked him if he loved her. He answered "yeah, I guess." Supposedly, she was two weeks pregnant. Two weeks? Glenn was only int he Philippines for one month!? How can she be two weeks pregnant? I asked Glenn if they did "it" right away as soon as he got there. He denied that he did it a week after he got there. He said he was sorry. And that's all he kept saying. He said that he told his mom and his mom is not saying anything. He was crying and he said, "why is it when I messed up and no ones there for me, you're always the peson I run to?"

I don't know. His confession is probably the answer to all the debate of giving US a second chance or letting him go completely. Obviously I can't have him anymore. And of course, it hurts. I knew I had two choices: one, to get mad and cuss the sh*t out of him OR two, to talk to him nicely and tell him, "I am happy for him and if he needs a friend, I am here."

I choose two. I told him, I knew he wouldn't be able to justify all the things he did to me. But if he wants to know what I was thinking. Yes, it hurts a lot but I also said I forgave him. I forgave him for everything he has done to me. Adn I thanked him for loving me ONCE and for proving myself I am strong. I asked him what were his plans and if he was planning to marry her and all he said was " Yeah, I guess." I told him , I knew he's feeling so much guilt and I knew how his conscience is killing him but told him not to feel bad. That I would still be his best friend and vice versa. And lastly, that " I am happy for him. Congratulations."

He said,"You're crying..." I don't show him the side of me that's weak. This was probably the the first and last time. I told him that he doesn't have to worry about me because this is the last time I will cry for you and tomorrow is a new day. Like the rest of the times, I will move on. I told him to promise me I will always be his friend and assured him, I will be better and he needs not to worry. Maybe this is for the better. Everything happens for a reason and I am certain this has to have a purpose.

You may all say, I am such a martyr. I should have cust him out and made him feel bad. Will I feel justified if I did that? No....I am so sure he's feeling so bad about himself that I don't need to make it even worse. This guilt will be in him for the rest of his life. I want to leave him with good memories of me. I want to leave him knowing I was still the same person he fell in love with. I want to leave him knowing that I didn't messed up, he did. I want to leave him with a memento that I was a woman he will never ever have again but he should be thankful for that.

April 9, 2001
6:02 AM

Dear Glenn,

Yes, I am crying right now. I am crying because I am hurt. I am sure you know why. You just destroyed the pinch of heart I have left. But you know what, I will remain optimistic behind it. The truth is, I feel like you just shot me alive. But don't feel sorry. I am capable of getting out of this mess and misery.

You know what I feel for you. I still love you but it's the wrong feeling to feel now that you have found someone new and is pregnant of your baby. So eventually, I will let go of everything I feel for you. It's just a matter of time for the pain to subside and for the scars, the wounds, and my soul to heal.

Thank you for being the love of my life. Your memory will forever be engraved in my heart. I cherished all the time and the feelings shared. It was worth every minute.

Please take care of her and the baby. Keep in touch if you can. I am wtill your bestfriend...and I assure you I will be here. She need to not to worry about me. If she ask, tell her I am your bestfriend.

Goodbye, BE...this is the last time, you will hear me call you, BE. From this day forward, I will call you GLENN.

Thanks for the memories and the LOVE. Thank you for loving and for hurting me...perhaps for my betterment.

Forget me not.

Love,
Len

posted by pinay freestyle @ 2:59 PM

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