I crankcalled Glenn couple minutes ago. And he answered. But I hung up the phone. He's home and he's not calling me. He's getting on my nerves. He really is. I have no idea if he's been calling me but I think he is. But I am not sure. It's just I have couple consecutive crankcalls from my voicemail that's connected to my phone and it's like every minute. I hate it. I hate it when he's doing this. I mean, I want to call him and I want to talk to him and he's been giving me this "I -miss-you" and "I-can't-live without-you " speech and now, he's giving me the cold shoulder again. I don't get it. I am giving him this chance to explain himself but he's not getting it. He's doing this stupid cycle over and over again.
I was reading someone else's blogs earlier and supposedly it came from the show, The X-files, it states, "If wounds and scars can heal, so must be the soul." I hate to say but I am not fully recovered from Glenn. It's just every time I try to move on, he still lingers through my head and this desire to go back with him comes up again. I want him back, sometimes....but most of the time, I think I can survive on my own. But it''s lonely being on your own. Most of the time, I feel so isolated from everybody.It's strange because people thinks I am "wacky and funny" but they don't know my pain inside. They have no idea that's my soul's almost dead. I have this physical sense of well-being but what's a body without a soul? I think I have a pinch of soul left.
My soul died a long time ago. The first time I found out Glenn was cheating on me...that soul of mine stop breathing. My soul's been abandoned and neglected. It's tainted with pricklinmg needles, slashed with sharp knives, targetted by bows and arrows, shot by a gun, scratched by a broken glass...everything. I guess, I revived it for my own self...for my own benefit...just to give some strength to just take a step each day and move on. I am dying and feeling like I am being burried deeper to my grave. I have never thought of committing suicide because I feel like I am being killed slowly and gradually anyway with all the pain and misery I am feeling. Why kill yourself when other people are doing it for you?.It's just a waste of time. Let them do what they want to do with you. Just sit there and wait for that crumbling moment when you ahve no more strength to hold on to. Everyday when I hear people saying all these negative comments about me and my life, my soul's being tarnished. It's slashed each and every time I hurt, each and every time I cry.
Strange thing is, I hide my tears. I can count people who have seen me cry. Glenn never saw me cry to him in person. I just don't cry infront of him. Zig saw me tear but not cry. Inch never saw me cry, neither Mike or any of my exes. Maff saw me cry. People who knows me see as "strong." But they don't see the twinge in me, the yearning to cry, the tears that I shed from ym eyes each and every night, those times I sit in the fornt porch, all I do is cry. Glenn thinks I am his strength shen he gets weak. What he doesn't know is , like him, I am weak. I was pretending to be strong for him.
My mom's givign me this sermon right now. "You're stubborn...every time I tell you something, if you chose not to listen, you wouldn't listen..." I want to answer her back but i am stopping myself. I want to answer her, "What's the point of listening when all I hear is negative things about me? I'd rather not hear it. I 'd rather be shot by a gun than to hear how I am such a negative aspect to them. I just rather not hear anything." My heart is filled with misery right now. It's overflowing with pain. Hurt that I accumulated all these years and never vented out. It just multiply each time I am downed. I am drowning in this whirlpool of melancholy. My whole world is circling around this dark abyss and I am there....just waiting for this whirlpool to absorb me in and swallow me completely.
If each and every soul was made out of sparkling silver or gold, my soul is made of dirtyand rusty thin can that's been recycled and reused and revived. If each and every soul was smooth and soft, mines is rough and rugged because I've travelled each and every journey, fought each and every battle, swam the shallowest and the deepest ocean, climbed the steepest mountain....and though, I am tired, to people I love like mom and Glenn, I am never enough. Whatever I do is not appreciated and they want more. If each and every soul represents the colors of the rainbow, my soul will never be one of them. It will be the colors of the midnight moon on a stormy, lightning skies...just plain black and blue with taints of gray.
I used to dream I was that angel watching over the people I love, guiding their every move, carrying their every burden. Now, I am an angel no more. I lost my wings to fly. I lost my desire to fly. My soul lost its' longing to be free.
Now, I am just imprisoned on my own cage, wanting to break free btu I can't do that anymore, I am locked here and I don't have the key to get out. So I guess, until I gather up all my enthusiasm and strength to regain that wings to fly, I and my tarnished soul, will just be right here....
....imprisoned and in chains.
posted by pinay freestyle @ 10:55 PM
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