MIDNIGHT STARS and AIRPLANES
Last night, I was on the verge of thinking again. I couldn't sleep and I don't know why. So I decided to sit by our front porch of the house and look at the twinkling stars shining so brightly above me. Airplabes flew in and out.The midnight wind was breezy. The wind blew softly in my cold body and I longed for warmth. I felt so alone. *sigh* I was in this depressing mood once again.
I used to sit on the front porch with my cousins Hanna and Geng. We had our house rebuilt but it was the same spot we used to hang around and just talk all night...and sometimes, morning. We would cry all night just sharing each other our problems. Other times, we giggled and laughed endlessly and hysterically. We used to watch the stars up there...and watch the airplanes fly in and out up in the clear skies above us. Hanna is now married with a kid. Geng is working 12 hours a day to help her family with the financial needs. And I, I am here reminiscing memories with them. I wonder if they still do this. I wonder if they sit outside at night and think, and recall our moments together or even just to plainly think...just to have an escape, a moment to look back on what life has been and look forward on what is life ahead.
I know I am. I always sit at that porch. I sit there and cuddle myself even more when the freezing atmosphere conquers my entire body and soul.
Last night was one of them.
I sit there ....just thinking.
I am proud of myself for accomplishing things. I was happy that I was able to see the joy and the pride in my parents' eyes as I handed them the awards I got. I could see in my mom's glaring and almost teary eyes and papa smiled proudly liek he always do but now even more fascinating and proud smile.
My friends...where have they been? Where are they now? Some of them married. Some with children and not married. Some are burried in drugs, alcohol and sex. Some are dead. Some are shot once or twice or more. Some of them in jail.Some got out and still the same and some are permanently locked up. A few remained faithful to our friendship. Most of them faded away.Most of them partying. Most are lost souls and no sense of responsibility. They live days and nights not worryign what lies ahead. A few looking forward to be somebody. A few making an effort and putting hardwork to be somebody.A few dreaming to be recognized. I was one of the few longing and dreaming to be someone. I am also one of the few putting so much effort and hardwork to be successful. Should I be proud? I guess, I am. I am vey thankful where I am and what I am now. Thanks mom for keeping me grounded and for the strict love you engulfed me in. Where would I be if mother didn't control me and reminded me to the right path back then? I was probably one of the lost souls.
Love...made me the person I am now. Love molded a strong character within me. I learned how to love unconditionally and let go unslefishly of that love make someone happy. I also felt to be loved dearly. That's is the most important thing. I have also been hurt badly quite a few times. Glenn taught me so much about love.He reminded me to love ME first and then love him. And I am pretty sure he learned so many things about love in me. Together, we inclined ourselves to a higher level of understanding love and together, we dug ourselves to feel the deeper feelign love. Other people I loved where played important roles why I appreciate love and why I am too cautious to love. I think, I would still love without boundaries and limits like I loved Glenn. But, I will watch my every step and move. I don't want to get prick and I would not want to shed a tear anymore.
My siblings have now grown up to be wonderful adults and teenagers. I was just talking to Long earlier before he went out to a party. It was a good conversation. I was relieved to tell him things I was distressing on. He adviced me to hang in there. I was teaching my little kid brother LA how to do HTML on his website in Asian Avenue. I'm teaching him so many things and I am glad he is absorbing most of them. My little sis Kring and I were talking about her debut. Actually, we were arguing before that because she is flying to Boston next week and she said she was "borrowing" my clothes to go there. I said, let me pick what clothes I need in my closet because I need it for Las Vegas. My gosh, she becoming a young lady arguing with me what clothes she wants when before, she never cared and all she cared about were her sports. Ate Bel and I bonded so much when I was int he Philippines. We renewed out relationship as sisters. We have a deeper stage of sisterhood and I know, for always, I will always be there for her and my nephew and my my niece.
I did all these thinking while I was watchign the stars and airplanes above me. I was overwhelmed by the cold air. My body was feeling numb because it was too cold outside. I went back to my norm...almost sane again. Ah... those times in the front porch. It always brings me relief and comfort. It keeps me emotionally stable. It 's very therapeutic.
I should do this again. I will....
posted by Pinay Freestyle at 9:02 PM
HANGING BY A MOMENT
I was listening to these song today. I didn't particularly like the melody and the rhythm but I loved the lyirics so I decided to search it in the net.
"hanging by a moment"
by lifehouse
desperate for changing
starving for truth
closer to where I started
chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
forgetting all I'm lacking
completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation
you take all of me now
I'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
and I don't know what I'm diving into
just hanging by a moment here with you
there's nothing else to lose
there's nothing else to find
there's nothing in the world
that could change my mind
there is nothing else
there is nothing else
there is nothing else
desperate for changing
starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
and I don't know what I'm diving into
just hanging by a moment here with you
just hanging by a moment
hanging by a moment
hanging by a moment
hanging by a moment here with you
NOTE:
I am hanging in a moment....waiting for you (Glenn) to move me. All my life, I never been loved as much as you loved me. Everyday, you're a part of my every conversation. Images of you makes me grin and crask a smile.
My shattered heart and comfused mind retained retrospective mements with you. Memories of you tarnished my soul and impaired my heart to love again like I used to. Though, this decapitated heart of mine continues to ache when I reminisce lasting moments with you, I prized and value the unforgettable time and the irreplaceable feelings you made me feel during those moments. Thank you for loving me.
posted by Pinay Freestyle at 8:01 PM
HOME
Our school is observing Cesar Chavez Holiday so I am home right now. I have tons of things to finish. Sheila and I finished the practical exercise from English (that's two down!) but I have papers to do so I'll probably get to that as soon as I am finish here.
Mom's in a grouchy mood today. Rrrr....and I am the only one in the house she can b*itch at. Rrrr....I'll probably be locking myself up in my room the rest of the day.
Okay. Not much blah today. Maybe later when I charged my braincells more. Right now, it's malfunctioning.
posted by Pinay Freestyle at 9:26 AM
Thursday, March 29, 2001
WAITING
I'm waiting for my RN 50 class to start. I have couple more minutes. And I have all these reveries in my head.
OJ is right next to me and I am typing this as fast and quickly as I can so he won't have the chance to glance at it and read any of these revelations. OK...He's looking now and he's asking me what I am doing. (Hold up...BRB* got to minimize the screen----he's buggin')
Ok-I'm back. OJ left. he had to go to his weight training class. Thank God, he left. He keeps asking me irking questions. Nothing special. We're good friends. I still don't know if he likes me. But he said, he will call me tomorrow. I asked, "Why?" and he goes, "Why, you don;t want me to call?" I replied, "ahmm, you can." So I guess, I'll talk to him tomorrow.
Again, I am thinking of Glenn. Gosh, I wish I could just have a spare time when I can get him off my thoughts so I can focus on things I have to do better. But, no, he has to be in my mind that all I do is think about him. I should forget him. For the past few months, he has been a negative force behind me, he left with very harsh words to swallow, and yet, martyr me, I still miss him.
What is it about him that makes me so into him?
Maybe, it's the way he laughs at my jokes. His laughters and giggles starts out my day with a smile. I'm attracted to a man who gets the drift in my sense of humor.
Or, it's those times when he cries to me like a whining baby and he tells me he's hurting and he needs someone to listen. His openness and sensitivity makes me feel needed. After that, he thanks me and says he loves me. Aww.
It's those moments when we get on each other's throats and nerves and we don't talk for weeks and then he calls, and asks, "Are you mad at me?" and I answer, "Duh? what do you think?" In a quick snap, we kiss and make up.
It can also be the time when I say, "I miss you" and he would sarcastically replies, " I know." Yes, he thinks he's the bomb sometimes. Strange thing is, I find these "machoness" and his big ego, amusing.
Perhaps, it's those odd phonecalls he makes at 4 in the morning to call me and wake me up just to tell me he's home, he can't sleep, and he misses me. Who can turn someone like that?
It can also be those times when he sends me flowers, letters, and surprise gifts and he keeps asking if I got anything special that day. Not only do I get gifts, but my whole family and some of my friends, too.
Perhaps, it's the way he talked to his family and friends and mines about me and about US. He tells his friends I'm this and that. He calls me "his wife" infront of his mom. He talks to my brother like he was his own brother. He tells me overprotective, strict mom that he loves me. He lets the whole world know I am his.
Maybe, it's those jealousy issues we discuss. We try to make each other jealous and he gives up too easily. he mentions all these girls whoare after him and when I mention I am going out that weekend with "friends," he pouts and keeps quiet. Everytime there's silence, he's mad.
To top it all, it's when he has these "romantic moods" and out of the blue moon, he calls me, "Be..." and adds, " you know, you complete me and I can't live a day without you."
I miss you, Glenn. Can't you freekin' feel how much I freekin' miss you? Your images and memories lingers through my head day in and day out. I am in the company of others and it's still you I think about. Even after those not-so-good memories of you, I cherish. I wish I can have the chance to look at you in the eyes soon and tell you all these things I wanted you to hear.And show you what I feel. And hug you....and kiss you...and tell you...
I....
love...
you...
too.
But I can't.
I'm.... I'm just not sure if you love me as much as I love you. I want it to be reciporcally given. I'm just not sure it's not the right time and the right decision and the right feeling to feel right now.
But if you want to know, I do love you.
It's just...I am scared to fall in love again.
So I guess, I'll wait like I am waiting right now for my class to start. Rrr...all these waiting.
posted by Pinay Freestyle at 9:12 AM
Wednesday, March 28, 2001
Last one, I promise. We watched the play, "Oleanna" by David Mamet. It's all about some sexual harrassment case in Michigan State University some couple years ago. But I wanted to applly this particular qoute I watched ( and read). It's quite true.
John ( one of the main character ) uttered, " If I fail all the time, it must be that I think of myself as a failure. If I do not want to think of myself as a failure, perhaps, I should begin by succeeding now and again. "
Okay, I don't want to get on anybody's nerves. So....again, Ciao.
posted by Pinay Freestyle at 5:55 PM
PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY READING MY BLOGS!
Rossini( HELLO NINI, long time no talk...belated Happy B-day!)emailed me today and some other people and I am actually flattered they are reading my babbles. Thanks for the wonderful comments. It's weird because I rarely let anyone read what's in my thoughts and in my heart. And now, when I have crappy days or nights, I can just pour out all my unwanted emotions and untold thoughts over here. But to those people who are takignthe time out to read my blogs, Thanks for sharing my life story with me. I appreciate it very much.
I read this passage to Sheila earlier. I wanted to share it with you. It was from the play, 'night Mother, by Marsha Norman. The plays is about a girl who told her mother she will kill herself that very same night. Killign herself was her only escape from the hates of the world. It states,
(This was a scene when her mom was telling her she can't kill herself.)
".....I can't do anything either, about my life, to change it, to make it better, make me feel better about it. Like it better, make it work. But I can STOP IT. SHUT IT DOWN, TURN IT OFF like the radio when there;s nothing on I want to listen to. IT'S ALL I REALLY HAVE THAT BELONGS TO ME and I am going to say what happens to it. And it's going to stop.And I 'm goign to stop it. So let's just have a good time."
Pretty powerful phrase huh? Don't we feel like we want to shut down out lives sometimes? I honestly feel like these when I am down. This passage kind of touched me. It reminded me of me when I was stubborn and stupid. I still get those urge sometimes. But that's where it stops. It's just an urge.
posted by Pinay Freestyle at 5:48 PM
RRrrr...TOO MANY CELICA'S HERE IN LA.
You are probably wondering what in the world was I thinking. Yes, I am complaining about Toyata Celica's here in LA. Call me paranoid. But I am annoyed. On my way home fron school today, all I see is this Toyota Celicas. I'm aggravatign because it reminds me of someone. It reminds me of Inch. He has a red Toyota Celica, fixed up, lowered, and everything. It had all these accesories that's why it's noticeable. Plus, Inch's car has this particular sticker from the party promoter crew he is in.
I was wondering if Inch was stalking me. hehehe.I wish he was stalking me. The truth is, there's one particular red Celica that's hanging around my neighborhood almost every week .I live on a neighborhhod that is quiet and cars are rarely parked outside the house. This car always passes by my house. And it slows down when he gets to my street. Weird thing is, it also had the sticker from Inch's crew. Hmm, looks suspicious. The only thing I couldn't see is the person inside the car. The car had too dark ( almost illegal ) tint. But I am almost certain it's Inch.
Maybe, he is stalking me...or maybe, he wanted to say sorry, or hello but he just don't have the balls to actually do it. I guess, I'll wait. We'll see. But, hmm....(wonders....then smiles) I am glad he's stalking me. That means I was really special to him then (or until now?).
posted by Pinay Freestyle at 5:32 PM
posted by pinay freestyle @ 6:31 PM
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