I got a letter from my ex Zig whose in jail for abour 5 months because he violated his probation. He's getting out soon, he said. Oh well, I wrote him a long letter last week, gave him this whole lecture about "changing his ways" and "be responsible." He answered all my questions. I know he has been through a lot, probably much more than what I have been going through. And yet, he has this positive outlook in life. He said he knew he has so start a new when he gets out and he will. Just like the time when people judged him, times when the mother of her son decided he wasn't worth her time and she took the kid and gave him no more right to be with Ziggy, like all the times he endured great pains cna struggles, HE WILL MOVE ON and MAKE SOMETHING POSITIVE for a change.
This is a guy who is "hardcore thug." He gets into a fight here and there. But he could never pass with his "thugness" with me because, I can be a total "anal" when I am mad. Zig is one of those guys with mental toughness and roughness. Sure, he is more than that. I saw both sides of him and he does have a sensitive side that only a few people see and I guess, I am one of them. He's friendly, sweet, accomodating when he chooses to be. When we were together, I didn't see the ghetto side of him.I always saw the opposite. It's just, like any other guy, he got tempted and so I had to put an end to us. But over the years, he knows, we remained good friends. He still asks me if I want him back and I always say, 'NO."
But I am thinking is, how can a guy like him have so many things to look forward to? He came from a broken family, being passed from siblings to another, to mom or dad, the gang who didn't him any good, girls who used him and the ones who loved him (but he messed up~i fall on this category), and yet, he remained positive. He has hopes...and desires to be someone and prove everyone else wrong.
And me, I am drained with the hatred people have in me. I am getting tired of how my life is designed with a manual. I envy Zig's spontaneity, his drive to face another day with a smile, his hopes for tomorrow. Why can't I have the same perspective on life? I feel like I am on a dead end road. And Zig is on a freeway with twists and turns where he can choose his own road. I am being judged for every single thing....and I hate that.
Is it right that I have this absence of hope? We talked about it in Englsih class yesterday and I am somewhat feeling like the character in the play Night Mother.
Ah.... I'll be better. I
t's just I am emotionallya nd mentally fatigued and weary...I just need a break...some time to break free from this sadness I feel. That is why I really think, Las Vegas was a good place to vent off. Perhaps, I will have happy entries as soon as I get back.
Ok...gots to jam, I think my mom is trying to read my entry. Ok...I think she is. Okay. Later.
posted by pinay freestyle @ 3:45 PM
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