MIND BLOWER
Friday, March 31, 2006
MIND BLOWER
it's 2 am. i struggled to put my self to sleep, tossing and turning for hours now. but it seems that sleep will not invade me immediately this early morning. there are just too many disarrayed thoughts in my head. most of which concerns huge and difficult decisions i have to make in my life soon---sooner than i can ever wish for.
first,i'm dealing with family drama. that was not too surprising. for people who knows me and who are close to me, they knew that my family has been my first priority. i would give anything for them. i must have given half of my life to them including growing up to fast because i had to. but i'm encountering inside conflicts wit someone in my family. and it has been months. and i'm still deeply hurt with words that was thrown at me. as much as i want to heal that pain, i can not force it to mend on it own. only time can restore that broken ties and NOW is NOT that proper time.
that family conflict now leads me to second perplexed ponder for this break of day: GOING AWAY...very far away. it's been months. there were few people who i confided my near plans to (AB, maffia, "tears",charm, MOM & karing). i told them i'm going on a "personal leave" some sort of "sabbatical leave" from work to further "better myself." i have not really talked to my boss officially since i was and still am on "medical leave" from my broken foot. but i have certainly opened up about it for the people who are close to me.
truth is, it's hard. i don't know if this is the right thing for me. believe or not, i'v saved some money in the bank to what i was anticipating to be a down payment for a house near maffi ( my lovedone knows where that is) but it seems that that save money will now go to what i will call "personal leave." for the past weeks i am envisioning my plans, i have been contacting several possible destinations and living arrangements i will be going to. most of which i am waiting for a sure reply.
thirdly, i have another option. i am somewhat venturing out of my staff nurse job in a medical surgical floor into another career. but it's all in the plans. i am set to take essential educational opportunities in this area and for once in my life, i have only told three people about this new direction ( AB, MOM, & maffi - three of which i trust very well). i am crossing my finger. if this works out for me, i don't have to leave. it is such a great risk i am taking and i'm not even sure of the outcome but i am taking it anyway. life is about taking huge risks and tasks anyway and i would not know the results until i walk the path personally.
fourthly, the one thing that is scaring me the most is leaving all my loved ones behind. for the past years, i have survived being single. actually, i loved the freedom of being independent and single. but even just the thought of being away from my family and friends here in Los Angeles for a long and unpredictable time is not an easy linger to deal with. i hate how time is by far our biggest enemy. i hate it when time is not on my side.
but perhaps, this can be a time for my family to realized my importance to them. for all of my life, i worried about them: what they will eat, if my siblings have enough money to survive, what time will they go home, is my sisters okay, is papa's deicine enough, how is papa's blood sugar, i wonder if mama is working too muich this week, how is everyone at church, if the house is paid off, are the bills taken care off, who is picking up my niece and nephew from school, are the 16 hours overtime enough to pay off everything for the house this month and the extras. these are just a few of the things i think abotu everyday. honestly, i don't want to put this worries to my parents. they have had enough of their own through the years. but sometimes in order for us to be able to take car eof our loved ones, we must take good care of ourselves first.
lastly, i have to leave AB. when i talked to him about my approaching plans, he suddenly kept quiet. not so like the AB i know whose bubbly and funny when we talk. he asked me about my immediate plans. and i always refrain for an answer. insetad i change the topic. when i am infront of him, i put on the fascade that i am happy because i don't want to see sadness in his eyes. but when i talk about this going away plans with him on the phone, i sense his melancholic moods. and i tried to hard to hold the tears until i hung up. i wished he knew how much i loved him. i wish i can tell him that leaving him along wiht my family is the hardest thing i will probably ever do. if he really cares for me though, he will understand this longing. that's the only thing i am praying for.
once or twice a week, i find myself kneeled at the pews of st. basil's cathedral in wilshire. i often go there during the nonbusy quiet hours when there's one or two praying. i often sit myself either at the past rows of the first rows: last row when it's dark inthe back and first rows because no one else can see my tears. i always wear my darkest shades to hid my crying eyes. and there, i weep all my woes, give thanks for my loved ones and even the non so good things that happens in my life. i ask for forgiveness for my shortcomings and ask HIm to protect my family and friends. i pray for the ill and the hungry. i ask for guidance and directions of the right path. sometimes, i pray for me but rare. most of the time, i pray for all the people around me. during those times, i felt the ME was not necessary. never mind me...my problems are petty compared ot others.
but right at this very moment, at this break of dawn, i am asking the Lord to be with me...for i am praying for me. i am praying that HE gives me strenght to face the new days. i am praying that HE gives me AB in the end. i am praying that whatever decision i make soon is the correct decicion. i am praying that HE will lead me to the path HE chose for me---whatever it is. i am praying for HIS blessing and guidance. i am praying the HE will protect my family and friends. so Lord, be with me in my endeavors. Help me to find ME again. I aks you this in your most precious name. Amen.
SPIRITUAL REVERIES: BACKWARDS
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
SPIRITUAL REVERIES: BACKWARDS
the phone rang, the person on the other line said, "hello." but he could not here the caller on the other line. he could barely here what the person on the other end of the line is saying. so he hung up the cellphone.
the cell rang again. and this time he could somewhat hear the voice ont he other line."hello. i could barely hear you!," he told the caller. in his almost silent tone, the caller said, "check your phone. is it placed correctly in your ear? "
the receiver checked the cell and all this time, it was placed backwards on his ear! no wonder he can not hear what the caller is saying!
sometimes this act of miscommunication is similar to our relationship with the Lord. sometimes we feel as if the Lord does not seem to hear our prayers. yet, we pray everyday to Him. but have you ever wondered why?
did we you check what was wrong? maybe because like the story above, our ways of life and serving the Lord are "
backwards" like the
cell phone was placed backwards? the Lord could not hear our prayers because we are not doing what is supposed to be done correctly. and in order for us to get through the phoneline of prayers to talk to the Lord, we have to make sure the ways of geeting there is done precisely righteous and not evil.
you still feel abandoned and unheard by the Lord? check if the phone to communicate with him is backwards. this is the time to put it in place correctly so the Lord can hear you.
[Lord, sometimes, it seems that you have forgotten about us. it seems that you don't even hear our prayers and outcries. but then Lord, i realized that sometimes it was not that you could not hear us. it was because our ways are
backwards. help us to fix the kinks of our communication and our ways of life. so that way, we can communicate with you the in a way that you can hear our prayers. teach us and lead us to YOUR way, O Lord so we won't feel as if you can not hear us. we ask you this in your most precious name. AMEN.]
(idea pitched by father jerry orbos)
breaths of life
breaths of life
as a child, all i can ever do is dream about what i will be when i grow up. in my teens, i wrote 10 things i wanted to accomplish in my twenties. more than half of which i had already accomplished.
and then i dream some more.
and i'm left with intriguing wonder.
in five years time, will i be happily married with wonderful children or will i still be the lady i am now, inhaling life as it is, shopping MORE louis vuitton bags, taking a sip of caramel macchiatto at the grove's barnes and noble while doing my graduate thesis in my emerald green covered toshiba laptop?
i'm afraid, i guess, of being hurt...will everything from the past catch up to me and make me weak like back a month ago when someone dear to my heart pierced my esteem with angry words and accusation? or will i finally stand up to her all the time like i did the very first time when she attacked me with hostility and anguish?
will i end up going home to the philippines and look back at where i spent half of my life? will it stil be "home" for me as i feel as if, "los angeles" has been my home? or i will be in las vegas for good? las vegas is my ideal place to be. new york is too busy for me. los angeles is too close for comfort. modesto is ideal for family living and not single living. las vegas is just right.
will i live up to my childhood dreams? of a professional karaoke singer? (yeah, wishful thinking) of being a novel writer writing books with the likes of nicholas sparks or dan drown? (another one wish, of couse). or should i just take those flying a plane class and fulfill my dream of being a frustrated pilot?
did i find the love of my life? there were only two people who i have considered LOVES of my life. one of which got a girl pregnant and married that girl he said he did not loved and continues to call me and one of which his family did not approve of our relationship because we were not perfectly asianly matched. will AB be the love of my life? he's always the one who loved me for who i am. only God knows.
i'm not cynical. i'm just a realist.but i'm also a dreamer. and i'm just a wishful thinker.
YACKETY YACK
hello!!! i put out another chatter blog which i called
YACKY YACK for any short gibbers about anything and everything. Check it out
HERE
i finally found
her again. i used to read her blogs a lot! check her out !!!
"BANG!BANG!"
"BANG!BANG!"on my way to meet up with mr. sungit AB, i got stuck in what seemed like "there-is-some-kind-of-accident" traffic. it was annoyingly bumper to bumper. and the supposedly twenty minutes drivei told him one minute before has now turned into , maybe 1 hour?
then AB calls.
AB:
where you na?ME:
going up los feliz by western.AB:
taking so long?M:
super traffic..i see police...maybe accident. dunno.AB: what?
as i was approaching the scene. i realized it was not an accident after all. 'Twas a film shooting.
ME: Wait, it's not an acident, it's a
"shooting"AB: Shooting? like
"bang bang!?"(I LAUGHED) talking to me: what the heck is he talking about?
ME: no, "
shooting" (refferring to movies and all)
AB: like
"gang bang? and police?" i mean with guns and everything?
(BY THIS TIME, I WAS LAUGHING MY ASS OFF: gang bang?)
ME: no, it's a shooting with camera and film crew and movie stars!!! what bang bang, gang bang and polices are you talking about? )
THIS TIME, I'M MY STOMACH IS HURTING FROM LAUGHING AT AB. BUT I WON'T FEEL BAD BECAUSE HE'S LAUGHING AT HIMSELF, TOO!!
ME: you're funny hey!!!
"he"
Thursday, March 23, 2006
"HE"
I coded him, 'AB.' Those were the first letters of his first and last name. Okay, it wasn't a creative idea but it was the fastest way to keep his identity.
I could call him, ' BEST FRIEND.' I have plenty of guy friends. But he's the one who stuck with me through it all. So he's the best out of all of them.
I could call him, "MR.OCD," O-C-D short to obsessive complusive disorder because he always cleans after me. His past time consists of always cleaning. He's the human cleaning machine!
I call him," PANGIT." I used to call him that in high school when I first met him. But then again, I called every friend I had in high school with the same name. But he's not 'pangit' (ugly in tagalog) at all.
I call him, 'MAMA'S BOY.' Simply because he is. But then again, if he cares so much for his mom, imagine what he can do for me?
I could call him, "travelling CHEF." He cooks for me all the time.He brings me food. And he brings me to the strange exotic restaurants to try out their dishes.
I could call him, "PAYASO." (spanish for clown). He never fails to make me laugh. Never a dull moment pass by when I am with him.
I call him, "MEANERZ." That's when he lectures me like my mom lectures me. And when he acts like he's my mom. I don't need two moms telling me what I did wrong or what I should have done right.
Or, I can call him ALBERT---That's his real name.And I think it's beautiful. He's a beauty inside and out.
signals: how to know if a guy likes you
Thursday, March 16, 2006
SIGNALS: How to know if a guy likes you?
You don't have to love in words, even through silences love is always heard.
ACTION speaks louder than words, is a good dating advice. Don't wait for words, look for ACTION.
You just have to look for positive signs, or buying signals if:
[Note: all comments pertains to AB]
he comes close to you -he's always near me.
he tries to make you laugh - with AB, there's never a dull moment.
he asks you questions - such a conversationalist, asks me all the time!
he tries to make you talk about yourself - he listens when i do.
he asks for your phone number or Email - he had it all along!
he tries to demonstrate in the conversation his men's qualities - yes, so true
he's trying to sell himself (sports, work, wealth... ) - uhuh. familiar.
he offers help - he never failed, always my knight & shining armor.
he gives you a compliment - yes, he does, he always does.
he blushes when you talk to him - i rarely notice he's blushing. he usually smirks and smiles.
you see he gets nervous when you're around - he plays with stuff...anything he can grab.
he's nervous while talking to you (hands, eyes, voice...usually you can notice because he's doing too much ) - yeah, his eyes wanders around and seems to be never focused!
he plays with an object (cigarette, pen, glass...) - he did that last night at the thai restaurant. he kept playing with the utensils.
he can't help looking at you, and when you look at him: he suddenly looks in another direction - he does that but i do that more often than he does.
he can't help making eye-contact with you - he usually look at me straight in the eye when we're talking. i feel like i'm the center of his attention.
he reveals his feelings in a disguised way, and say: just kidding - yeah, so obvious, like he texts me this "messages" and it shows his feelings yet, he states it so indirectly.
he tries to be with you - who are you kidding? i am with him 2-3-4 times in a week.
he offers you something - all the time. he gives me stuff, food here and there. he brings me & my co-worker lunch or takes me out for dinner brings me what i told him to bring me.
he makes an effort with his outfit - he does. i don't know why. it doesn't matter what he wears really as long as he's clean and smells fresh.
he tries to be more handsome (hairdresser, new clothes, shoes, watch...) - yup yup yup, tell me about it!
he fakes jealousy for fun - yeah, he always say, " do i sense 'selosy'? " or he utters stuff like, " i see you're checking out mr. hot stuff korean guy. eeww."
he invites you indirectly or he suggests any activity - he invites me all the time: running with him at rose bowl, eating out strange ethnic food, watching horror flicks ( which i hate by the way because i get nightmares).
he likes to borrow anything from you, (typex, pen, rubber, clothes...) - he borrows my dvds and elctronic stuff and my homework!
when there's nothing left for you, he says: you can take mine - this is one of his major traits, so giving and generous, kind and caring.
he asks you for help when he could ask somebody else - i know! and i lived the farthest from him. he can just go to his boy's pad who is 10 minutes away but no, he'll drive 30 minutes just to 'ask for help."
he likes your firstname and likes to pronounce it - he always makes fun of it like he'll make this funny message as if he was calling me for the first time on my voicemail, " hi NORILEN --like marilyn--this is albert!"
he likes your clothes - i think he does not give a damn what i wear as long as i am there. although he compliments me.
he wants to be with you - what are you talking about!? he's ALWAYS with me!
he wants to hear your voice - we talk three or more times a day and texts 10 times a day and even talks eventhough we were just together.
he touches you accidentally or gently (arm, shoulder, hand...) - he holds my hand all the time or hugs me.
he likes to be close to you or in your space - like when we're watching a movie, he'll occupy my space even though he has tons of space on his side.
he's usually looking at you - he is?
he's looking at you when leaving a room - yeah, he is!
he gazes in your eyes with love - he always stares at me as if my face has dirt on it. it feels weird!
EEEKKKKK, does this mean he really likes me??? i wanna know for sure!!! he sure have all the signs!
WISHFUL THINKING
WISHFUL THINKING
lately, i feel like my world is sinking into this deep sea of dim where no light is visible. in this abyss, i stood alone. no, i AM alone.and my friends---my true friends are too far awsay and not within reach.
i put on this fascade of a happy face. the mask of the humored clown who makes fun of herself and always the ones giving everyone around her reasons to laugh their butts off. yet, inside, my real self is crying and lonely.
then Lord, i prayed to you. "just one specific wish," i asked, "just one smile today, Lord." just one time today that i will feel happy. just one instance today wherein i would feel i fit in. just one time today where i belong.
and then it happened.
all these wishful thinking. all of the sudden, i found myself at thai barbeque with AB, just chatting the night away. to me, it was just us...no one else mattered. i don't have to pretend i am happy. i think he knows it when i am hurting and he just comes to my rescue.
my best times and my best self is spent when i am with AB. he allows me just to me myself whether it's the bratty one or the whining one. it did not matter. he just wants to be with ME. i can be anything i want and he will care for me no matter what.
what else can i say, Lord? Lord, you truly are wonderful.
whole
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
wholei knew you hunger for me to say, "it's okay"
i felt certain you long for me to approach you and express, " i was worry."
i recognized you wanted me to initiate the first move,
i grasped you wished i can just admit to guilt and offer amendments.
that way, you figure it will all be over and we'll just wind up talking again.
yeah, i knew.
but...
i'm bruised badly with your disturbing accusations.
i'm burned with scarring heat from agonizing utters.
the little respect i have for you seems to dwindle, almost evaporating
now evolving into debris of marvelled resentment.
yet, i still wondered.
still puzzled, i questioned, " how can you even defend the guy who continues to damage you when it is us, the people who cared for you and loved you no matter, are the ones struggling to fight for you?"
and yet, in your eyes, you fathomed we're the ones who are NOT exerting effort to understand you?
yet, frankly, i truly am seeking ways to sympathize with you.
you just refused to adhere to me even just half way.
if before, i aimed to forgive andforget what you did,
this time around, i'm not going to condone to that.
the angry words you threw at me tarnished me completely.
i noticed you wanted me to pretend that," all is well."
that it was okay for you to wound me and scar me.
to manipulate be believing "it was the " past."
but NO, i made up my mind.
this time,
I'M NOT GOING TO.
maybe in HIS time,
when my shattered esteem is fixed,
when my weary soul gains strenght,
when my broken self is whole again.
SPIRITUAL REVERIES: twenty dollars
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
spiritual reveries: $20
[adapted from vince]
Sometimes we just need to be reminded!
A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20.00 bill.
In the room of 200, he asked,
"Who would like this $20 bill?"
Hands started going up.
He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you
but first, let me do this.
He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill.
He then asked, "Who still wants it?"
Still the hands were up in the air.
Well, he replied, "What if I do this?"
And he dropped it on the ground
and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe.
He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty.
"Now, who still wants it?"
Still the hands went into the air.
My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson.
No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it
because it did not decrease in value.
It was still worth $20.
Many times in our lives,
we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt
by the decisions we make and
the circumstances that come our way.
We feel as though we are worthless.
But no matter what has happened or
what will happen, you will never lose your value.
Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased,
you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you.
The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know,
but by WHO WE ARE.
You are special- Don't EVER forget it."
If you do not pass this on, you may never know the
lives it touches, the hurting hearts it speaks to,
or the hope that it can bring.
Count your blessings, not your problems.
And remember: amateurs built the ark ..
professionals built the Titanic.
If God brings you to it - He will bring you through it.
SPIRITUAL REVERIES: prickles and stubbles
Sunday, March 05, 2006
SPIRITUAL REVERIES: prickles and stubbles
(ideas and story line adapted from father jerry orbos. it was explained differently but i gave this story my own personal touch. quite inspiring. read on.)
red, pink, yellow and white are its famous common colors. it creates a sweet fruity fragrance. it's unique arrangements in fashionable vases,elegantly decorated boxes or in multiple clusters in ribbon ornated bouquets creates such an attractive display of art.yes, i'm talking about the rose flower: the symbol of love and beauty. but mind you, have you ever took the time to stare and look at a long stemmed rose flower?
these flowering shrubs are such a popular choice with humans special occasion.its enticing colored petals brings such adornment to its receivers. their long stubby stems with pinate green colored leaflets provides its needed elegance. almost entirely, roses are appreciated for its rainbow palletes of colors. this notable bloom is surely a favorite.
the beauty of this flower is quite intriguing. but this musing is NOT about the pinnacle of the rose or its blooming and ravishingly colored petals. i'm more interested with the less amusing part of the rose: its prickled stubbbled thorns that pricks and stubbles our fingers if not held in the right way.
most roses have barb wired like thorns and prickles. the thorns are typically sickle shaped hooks. these thorns aides the rose in hanging onto other vegetation when growing over it. these bristle straight spines adapts to reduce browsing by animals. but its dartlike appearence helps to trap wind-blown sand. the sharp whiskers also helps to reduce erosion and protect the roses' roots.
we are all aware that roses needs to bloom before it becomes flowerettes. but do you know what happens before it buds? do you know where the blossoms originates from? this may come strangely surprising but before any rose blooms into a flower it was once a prickled thorn that develops into a budding creation adorned by many.
similarly, human life are like prickled thorns of a rose. our lives is bittered with so much grim thorns and stubbles. we are blistered by earsplitting darts of different challenges. our everyday existence is jaggedly ridgy and sharpingly "spiky." often times, we are agitated with these rugged and thorn-like conditions. we are faced with spinelike pain from the inevitable events in our lives.
but like the pricks of the thorns, we should use this in our advantage. when the weather is against it, the thorns strengthen the stem to withstand the rough climate. when the animals attempts to feed them, the bristled spikes of the roses marks a defensive factor to prevent these animals from doing so from its uncomfortable barbs. like them, we should use the thistled events of our lives as a defense to protect ourselves. it should be a barrier between us and the evil forces of this world. the arrowed darts of our lives should nestle courage and bravery in us.
by doing this, we will overcome the growth of our thorns. if we defeated the twinge from the spined blisters of our past, if we conquered the rough weathers of our everyday, if we fought and refused to be "blown-away" through the "erosions" of our lives' daily pressures, if we can love and accept ourselves as is and appreciate that even if we are a thorn we are useful and essential to our being, only then, we can anticipate the metamorphosis of the prickled thorn emerging into that adorned rose flower bud. only then, we can become the beautiful roses everyone can adore.
sometimes we are unappreciated, like the spiky thorns, we are unnoticeable and unattractive. sometimes, we have to be blistered from the prickles in order to defendd ourselves. sometimes, we have to be the thorns first to become reformatted into roses. the Lord fills us with everyday miracles and surely this transformation is no exception.
[Lord, thank you for sahring us your everyday magic of transforming unnoticeable things to things we value and enjoy. help us to appreciate the undesirable things and events in our lives. so that in order to become a being of beauty like the rose, we have to emerge and grow like the thorns that becomes pretty roses. stories like these awakens us to your everyday miracles. forgive us for our shortcomings, my Lord. teach us to inspire. i ask you this in your name. Amen]
