it's 2 am. i struggled to put my self to sleep, tossing and turning for hours now. but it seems that sleep will not invade me immediately this early morning. there are just too many disarrayed thoughts in my head. most of which concerns huge and difficult decisions i have to make in my life soon---sooner than i can ever wish for.
first,i'm dealing with family drama. that was not too surprising. for people who knows me and who are close to me, they knew that my family has been my first priority. i would give anything for them. i must have given half of my life to them including growing up to fast because i had to. but i'm encountering inside conflicts wit someone in my family. and it has been months. and i'm still deeply hurt with words that was thrown at me. as much as i want to heal that pain, i can not force it to mend on it own. only time can restore that broken ties and NOW is NOT that proper time.
that family conflict now leads me to second perplexed ponder for this break of day: GOING AWAY...very far away. it's been months. there were few people who i confided my near plans to (AB, maffia, "tears",charm, MOM & karing). i told them i'm going on a "personal leave" some sort of "sabbatical leave" from work to further "better myself." i have not really talked to my boss officially since i was and still am on "medical leave" from my broken foot. but i have certainly opened up about it for the people who are close to me.
truth is, it's hard. i don't know if this is the right thing for me. believe or not, i'v saved some money in the bank to what i was anticipating to be a down payment for a house near maffi ( my lovedone knows where that is) but it seems that that save money will now go to what i will call "personal leave." for the past weeks i am envisioning my plans, i have been contacting several possible destinations and living arrangements i will be going to. most of which i am waiting for a sure reply.
thirdly, i have another option. i am somewhat venturing out of my staff nurse job in a medical surgical floor into another career. but it's all in the plans. i am set to take essential educational opportunities in this area and for once in my life, i have only told three people about this new direction ( AB, MOM, & maffi - three of which i trust very well). i am crossing my finger. if this works out for me, i don't have to leave. it is such a great risk i am taking and i'm not even sure of the outcome but i am taking it anyway. life is about taking huge risks and tasks anyway and i would not know the results until i walk the path personally.
fourthly, the one thing that is scaring me the most is leaving all my loved ones behind. for the past years, i have survived being single. actually, i loved the freedom of being independent and single. but even just the thought of being away from my family and friends here in Los Angeles for a long and unpredictable time is not an easy linger to deal with. i hate how time is by far our biggest enemy. i hate it when time is not on my side.
but perhaps, this can be a time for my family to realized my importance to them. for all of my life, i worried about them: what they will eat, if my siblings have enough money to survive, what time will they go home, is my sisters okay, is papa's deicine enough, how is papa's blood sugar, i wonder if mama is working too muich this week, how is everyone at church, if the house is paid off, are the bills taken care off, who is picking up my niece and nephew from school, are the 16 hours overtime enough to pay off everything for the house this month and the extras. these are just a few of the things i think abotu everyday. honestly, i don't want to put this worries to my parents. they have had enough of their own through the years. but sometimes in order for us to be able to take car eof our loved ones, we must take good care of ourselves first.
lastly, i have to leave AB. when i talked to him about my approaching plans, he suddenly kept quiet. not so like the AB i know whose bubbly and funny when we talk. he asked me about my immediate plans. and i always refrain for an answer. insetad i change the topic. when i am infront of him, i put on the fascade that i am happy because i don't want to see sadness in his eyes. but when i talk about this going away plans with him on the phone, i sense his melancholic moods. and i tried to hard to hold the tears until i hung up. i wished he knew how much i loved him. i wish i can tell him that leaving him along wiht my family is the hardest thing i will probably ever do. if he really cares for me though, he will understand this longing. that's the only thing i am praying for.
once or twice a week, i find myself kneeled at the pews of st. basil's cathedral in wilshire. i often go there during the nonbusy quiet hours when there's one or two praying. i often sit myself either at the past rows of the first rows: last row when it's dark inthe back and first rows because no one else can see my tears. i always wear my darkest shades to hid my crying eyes. and there, i weep all my woes, give thanks for my loved ones and even the non so good things that happens in my life. i ask for forgiveness for my shortcomings and ask HIm to protect my family and friends. i pray for the ill and the hungry. i ask for guidance and directions of the right path. sometimes, i pray for me but rare. most of the time, i pray for all the people around me. during those times, i felt the ME was not necessary. never mind me...my problems are petty compared ot others.
but right at this very moment, at this break of dawn, i am asking the Lord to be with me...for i am praying for me. i am praying that HE gives me strenght to face the new days. i am praying that HE gives me AB in the end. i am praying that whatever decision i make soon is the correct decicion. i am praying that HE will lead me to the path HE chose for me---whatever it is. i am praying for HIS blessing and guidance. i am praying the HE will protect my family and friends. so Lord, be with me in my endeavors. Help me to find ME again. I aks you this in your most precious name. Amen.
posted by pinay freestyle @ 2:16 AM
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