SCAR

"just great! i just earned myself another scar!" i uttered to myself. just recently, i'm quite annoyed as i noticed a healing mark left on my skin from the damaged done by the hard plastic removable immobilizer i have been wearing to impede movements on my foot and ankle. well, on the other hand, at least, it's painless, now. all of the sudden, i find myself checking on my skin if i had other scars. it seemed like all of my scars have their own story to tell.

i have a huge blemish the size of a quarter on my left leg. it's almost faded, one could barely see that flaw on my skin. well, i remembered vividly when i got it. i was, perhaps, seven years old. mom wanted me to go the market in the philippines to buy two iced cold one liter bottles of coke (which by the way it was made out of glass and not plastic) for our guest. so i held each bottle of soda with my tiny hands when all of the sudden, an untamed dog chased me. i ran my rear end off just so i can go home quickly. i even tried to climb my neighbor's chicken wired fence. but for some strange unexplainable reason, the lunatic street dog preyed on me as if i was a piece of a succulent luscious meat. needless to say, i dropped the pop colas and i never reached home. next thing i knew, i was waking up to the painful stitches of the doctor at the local hospital.

on my right pointy finger, there is defective old wound, almost shaped like a capital letter Y. my brother long, who was 4 years old then, and i was 6 when we had this chaotic arguement. our house boy whom we fondly called "kuya eddie" always made a suggestive yet humored comment that "if you guys are fighting, you want me to get the godd*mn knife and so you both can kill each other." (in tagalog, " sige, mag-away na kayo...gusto niyo kunin ko yung kutsilyo para magpatayan na lang kayong dalawa eh!")

of course, he was kidding around. yet, my brother long is probably one of the most annoying little kid i've ever encounter that he always gets on my last nerve. so we would always get into boxing, wrestling, kicking, karate (whatever the situation called for!) fights and we would get so into it to the point of saturated aggression. well, one time, he lost it and was so upset that he eventually literally took kuya eddie's advise and got the knife ( or was it "itak" then). in return, i teased him even more that when i put my hand on one of our coffee tables, he hit me with the freakin' knife and smacked me twice in the middle my right pointy finger creating a bloody bloodshed all over the house. well, as the story ends, i got another stitch on my finger. worse yet, my brother long and i had to choose between a weeping from papa's thick leather belt or a long and powerful 4 by 4 wood as our punishment.

i had other scars, too like the first time i fell on the bike as i was too boastful to brag i had a new bike and i had a straight cut on my right inner leg. or the one time, i climbed the tallest mango tree at the front house. i did not have a clue on how to get down that i stepped on a weakling branch. gravity pulled me down and eventually fell on my rear. i found my foot bleeding from piles of sharp stones ilanded on. wow. those were the old days. eventually the pain from those scars and the time slowly healed all my wounds. and now, though, it still left distinctive inperfections on my skin, it's almost invisible from the naked eye.

even more, i have unseen scars. they are the ones kept in the heart. the ones you can not see but you can feel. i have deep cuts left from love. i have endured my deepest and most remarkable scars from loving someone. and though it is concealed and undisclosed, these unnoticeable wound are the most painful ones. they are the most difficult to cure because the wound is deep-seated and submerged into the core of my heart. it almost feel like someone stabbed me with a samurai and left it there steady and untouched and let is bleed profusely. and though, sometimes the wound healed, there is still a pinch of twinge pasted on that same spot.

lately, that pinch of torture came back. and i find asking myself, why do we treat our relationship with each other like an open wound? when we love someone, we try to heal each other. we try to peel that scab off of our pasts torments again and again. sometimes, we thought the wound will just try to heal itsself.

with our kindness.

with our nice flirty words.

with our irresistable charms.

with our enticing looks....

only to find out......

and then BAM,

there it goes again. the wound bleeds, we cry again. and then we comfort. then the cycle starts again. once again, we endure cuts and slashes from the memories of each other. we're wounded again. we're left with scars again. we'll have to wait for it to heal again...hoping and praying that when we meet again, gone are pinches of twinge. gone are the deep scars.

we hoped....

and we hope...

but we realized, it does not go away.

the scars remain.

posted by pinay freestyle @ 7:53 PM [[ 0 comments ]]

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I MISS YOU

last night, some people were karaokeing the night away and one of the songs that came up was, "i miss you" by klymaxx. and though i was trying to NOT pay attention, the lyrics were so catchy that it left me thinking about someone again. over and over again, i found myself listening to the lyrics of the song as it played on my ipod.

I MISS YOU
by Klymaxx

VERSE ONE
Thought I heard your voice yesterday
Then I turned around to say that I loved you
then I realized
that it was just my mind
playing tricks on me....

It seems colder lately at night
and I try to sleep with the lights on
Everytime the phone rings
I pray to God it's you
I just can't believe
That we're through...

CHORUS
I miss you (I miss you...)
Theres no other way to say it
And I, I can't deny it.
I miss you (I miss you...)
It's so easy to see
I miss you and me........

VERSE TWO
Is it done and over this time?
Can we ever change our minds?
But it's our first love...
all the feelings that we used to share...
I refuse to believe that you don't care.

CHORUS
I miss you (I miss you...)
Theres no other way to say it
And I, I can't deny it.
I miss you (I miss you...)
It's so easy to see
I miss you and me........

BRIDGE
I've got to gather my senses together
I've been through worse kinds of weather
If it's over now (over now)
be strong (be strong)
I can't believe that you're gone...
I've got to carry on.

CHORUS
I miss you (I miss you...)
It's driving me crazy
I don't want to live without you.
I miss you (I miss you...)
It's so easy to see
I miss you and me............

:(

posted by pinay freestyle @ 12:18 PM [[ 0 comments ]]

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TIME


To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
-- Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Lord, give me strength to overcome the pain i am feeling now. I know you do not give me anything I can not handle and this one will pass. But Lord, be with me. Be with me in this times of loneliness. And forgive him Lord as I forgive him myself. I ask you this in your most precious name. Amen.

posted by pinay freestyle @ 7:37 PM [[ 0 comments ]]

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I KNOW YOU'RE READING THIS NOW. KEEP ON READING. MOST OF THIS ENTRIES ARE FOR YOU.

posted by pinay freestyle @ 8:25 PM [[ 0 comments ]]

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A FOOL'S MASQUERADE

front row's seat to the fool's masquerade. courtesy of a pretentious lad who made me love him while he wore that mirage of ""i-care-for-you-so-much-because-you're my bestest-friend" mirage of false characters. i got to give it to you, though. you get my standing ovation for your greatest performance of camouflage: faking yourself and making me love you for that. i hope you feel better: for the first time, i felt really stupid.


you're my very own "phantom of the opera:" the guised man with a half a mask plastered on his face. your true identity was nothing but an illusion you wanted me to like and believe. i can't believe myself for falling for that put on manteau. thanks for the make believe disguise. it really felt real while it lasted.

i'm blinded by what i use to think of you. listening to you last night, i can't even believe how much you have hidden from me. you slowly uncovered your locked lid lies. one by one, i am more turned off from you as i can ever be. my mind won’t believe you’ve put up such a blinding facade. and goD, i can't even fathom why i even let your false front sham me.

braise yourself for people with bluff aura. false front is randomly found anywhere...even from a guy you call your own " bestfriend." i hate that you're fake! that the man i used to be attracted is nothing but a fraud cloak concealing his own true self.

from now on, this is my note to myself: beware of a fool's masquerade, we're lured by people in masks.

posted by pinay freestyle @ 12:34 PM [[ 0 comments ]]

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they say love can mend a broken heart. but how? i realized over the years that a hurting heart won't be able love when it is broken. love has two requirements: heart breaking and healing. and we are all aware that healing itself takes time. the heart has to be complete and ready to love in order to be able to love again unconditionally.

all of our young lives we search for a certain someone to love, someone who will make us complete, someone who will understand us. we choose partners. we change partners. we dance to a song of heartbreak. we also dance to the music of hope, all the while wondering if somewhere and somehow there is really someone searching for us. and yet, when we find that someone who makes us whole, he or she was never bound to stay. even worse, their memories leave us with shattered pieces of our selves.

my heart is hurting. not because someone broke it recently. but i am once again haunted by the throbbing ache in my past: the lies, the pretentions, the dreams never achieved together, all plain wishful thinking. i left that unrevealed memory behind me. i had to be honest, it left me crushed. the twinge was a like a broken mirror. it's left there crumbled into peices. it was better to leave it broken that way rather than hurting myself trying to fix what it has sharp debris of damage.

having your heart broken is not always as loud as a bomb exploding. it can be as quiet as a feather falling. the most painful thing is, no one really hears it except me. and i hardly discuss this side of me. because i don't want to show my weak side. because i am NOT weak.

as long as our hearts beat, as long as we still blush and get goose bumps when we see or talk to someone we admire, as long as we have "that" unexplainable feeling, there is hope to love again. and hope is by far , one of the most wonderful thing God has given me. despite the fact that i had only one wing of love to fly, i was able to fly. better yet, move on. so if you have broken pieces of a broken heart, let the Lord take care of it. For He can only mend your broken hearts when you give him all the pieces. above all, believe in the miracle of love. it will come at the time you least expected it.

posted by pinay freestyle @ 1:53 PM [[ 0 comments ]]

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thirst

"cry it off, if you must, let your tears take away the blues," i reminded myself today as i sniffed and sniveled . my puffy eyes are showed immense sobbing. my weeping heart is drowning in melancholy. and yet, i am too coward to show and expressed my grieving emotions.

i wished i can. but it is not something simple to discuss. the matters are too difficult to analyze nor understand. some of them, i am not even prepared to discuss myself. perhaps because i am hungry for a lot of nontangible things. none that you can find easily on your everyday life.

i thirst for love: the feeling of being in love and the idea of having someone there to be with me. the reality of having someone to understand me even though i am the most difficult person to understand because i am such a inquiring analyst. the sweet times when someone brings me lunch at work just because...having the knight and shining armor who will fight every life's battle with me even if it is the hardest thing to do. they said love is like a tea, you will never know how strong it gets unless it is soaked in hot water. where is that kind of love?

i thirst for acceptance: to love me as me. i don't have to be anyone you want me to be. i just have to be the plain and simple me. the simple me who enjoys watching the flickering stars at night and adores the brightness of the moon. the simple me takes pleasure in making fun of myself and makes other people pee in their pants laughing. the simple me who still have to have her favorite blanket before she goes to sleep otherwise, she can't sleep. just....take ...me ....as me.

i thirst for space: the desire to be outside my norm. i wish i was still standing on top of the empire state building and just letting myself take in the view. strange because that is peaceful to me. what about the morning walks at the brooklyn bridge as i cross the bridge from manhattan from east 14th street and avenue c? i like being lost in new york city and finding myself in the middle of union square, allowing myself to be taken away by the wave of people coming in and out of the subway. actually anywhere will do: at my favorite suite at rio's masquerade side hotel in las vegas, the breathtaking and breezy pismo beach at night where geng and tin and i smoked our butts off when we wanted to get away from lola fe. i am not asking for more. i am simple like that.

truth is, i'm just hurting.

my heart is heavy and my soul is breaking down. sometimes, i blame myself for it because sometimes, i feel like i am pushing my ownself to the max that it's like a mad rush of karma springing back to me with twice the power.

Lord, help me. take the anger away. take the pain away. let me be free from all the frustrations. that way, i can serve you better and love myself better more than you had always love me. feed me strength, my Lord. don't let me sink in in the abyss of lament.

posted by pinay freestyle @ 11:38 PM [[ 0 comments ]]

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to someone whose making me smile

i texted this to you couple days ago. i just wanted to post it here. don't worry..i'll leave you anonymous...=)]

i'm difficult to impress.

i'm often labelled as "suplada" (bitchy).

i'm not your average good girl.

i talk too much.

i'm a mixed of ghetto, prim and proper.

in my past, i was caught up with my emotions.

i'm trying to control that now.

hiding my weakness with a strong, lioness personality.

i thought no one can break that mask.

but lately, that mask is fading away.

a tamed gentle smile`appears [from your flirty texts and phonecalls}

i find you intriguing.

your mystery and your humor...

it's strange why i find that sexy.

yes, i am not expecting anything.

i will let things be.

but i just wanted to let you know that ...

YOU are one of the few people who can make me smile =).

thanks for the unexpected smiles.

i really appreciate it.

posted by pinay freestyle @ 3:05 PM [[ 0 comments ]]

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[note: mark is one of the toughest and sweetest guy i know existed. funny how i ran across this lingering from a guy whose kindness is rarely seen by others. he reminds me so much of me: hard on the outside but soft in the inside. you'll lov e this! read on. but wait, thanks mark!!!)

LESSON IN LOVE!!WHY DOES IT HURT SOO BAD

Lessons on Love......

*I found this old forward in my email that I shared with friends in college a while back. I think it states some of the best lessons on love. So enjoy..


If you find yourself in love with someone who does not love you,
Be gentle with yourself.
There is nothing wrong with you.
Love just didn't choose to rest in the other person's heart.

If you find someone else in love with you and you don't love him/her,
Feel honored that love came and called at your door,
But gently refuse the gift you cannot return.
Do not take advantage.
Do not cause pain.
And all our hearts feel the same pains and joys,
Even if our lives and ways are different.

If you fall in love with someone,
He/she falls in love with you and then love chooses to leave,
Do not try to reclaim it or to assess blame, let it go.
There is a reason and there is a meaning.
You will know in time.
Remember that you don't choose love.
Love chooses you.
All you can really do is accept it for all its mystery
When it comes into your life.

Feel the way it fills you to overflowing,
Then reach out and give it away.
Give it back to the person who brought it alive in you.
Give it to others who deem it poor in spirit.
Give it to the world around you in any way you can.
There is where many lovers go wrong.
Having been so long without love,
They understand love only as a need.
They see their hearts as empty places that will be filled by love,
And they begin to look at love as something that flows to them
Rather than from them.

The first blush of new love is filled to overflowing,
But as their love cools, they revert to seeing their love as need.
They cease to be someone who generates love
And instead become someone who seeks love.

They forget that the secret of love is that it is a gift,
And that it can be made to grow only by giving
Remember this, and keep it to your heart.
Love has its own time, its own seasons,
And its own reason for coming and going.
You cannot bribe it or coerce it, or reason it into saying.
You can only embrace it when it arrives
And give it away when it comes to you.
But if it chooses to leave from your heart
Or from the heart of your lover,
There is nothing you can do and there is nothing you should do.

Love always has been and always will be a mystery.
Be glad that it came to live for a moment in your life.

IF YOU KEEP YOUR HEART OPEN, IT WILL COME AGAIN:)

posted by pinay freestyle @ 2:47 PM [[ 0 comments ]]

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just love her....

Trust her over everyone else.

Tell her she looks beautiful.

Look her in the eye when you talk to her.

When she cries, do whatever to make her smile.

Forgive her for her mistakes

Look at her like she's the only girl you see.

Hold her hand even when you are around your friends.

Let her fall asleep in your arms.

Get her mad, then kiss her. (this one I personally find hilarious)

Stay up with her all night.

Watch her favorite movie.

Watch her sleep.

Whisper in her ear how much you missed her.

Kiss her forehead.

Sing her a lullaby.

Write her handwritten love letters.

Text her a romantic/sexy note.

Give her the world.

Let her wear your clothes.

Let her know she lokked sexy in it.

When she's sad, hang out with her.

Send her flowers ...just because...

Let her know she is important.

Kiss her in the rain.

Make her breakfast.

Surprise her at work.

Bring her lunch.

And when you fall in love with her, tell her.

And when you do tell her... Love her like you never loved before

posted by pinay freestyle @ 10:25 PM [[ 0 comments ]]

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bakit nga ba ganito ang imibig? ang hirap talagang magmahal 'no? ang hirap umasang mahalin ka rin ng tutoo ng taong pinakamamahal mo. pagminamahal mo naman sila ng todo, hindi alam may kahati ka pa pala.

kaya ko pa bang magmahal ng hindi ako natatakot na masaktan muli? maraming beses ko ng ginawa yon sa aking nakaraan subalit puros pait at hinanakit ang katumbas. masaya sa umpisa ngunit bigla rin naglalaho. iyon pala'y may kapalit ka na at may mahal na siyang iba.

kaya ko pa bang magmahal ng lubos? noon, halos wala na akong itinitira sa sarili ko. ngayon, kahit papano, minamahal ko muna ang sarili ko bago ako nagmamahal ng iba. pero kapag nagmahal bo ako ng lubos, katumbas rin ba non ay lubos na pagmamahal na inaasam-asam ko?

kaya ko pa kayang tiisin ang magmahal kahit minsan masakit na ang umibig? may masaya kamang alaala, mas marami pa ring sakripisyo. maraming beses kang pilit na magpaparaya sa kahibang. pilit na magpapatawad sa mga inuulit na kasalanan. pilit na mag-uunawa sa mga bagay na hindi mo pa rin maintindihan. ang gulo ano?

kaya ko pa kayang maghintay sa lalaking nakatakda sa akin? sino nga ba siya? kilala ko na ba siya? kaya ko pa kayang mahalin siya tulad ng walang kondisyong pagmamahal na ibinigay ko sa mga taong hapdi ang ibinigay sa akin noon? noon yon, tanga pa akon noon. kinakapa ko pa ang puso ko. ngayon, mas matatag na kaya akong umibig?

kaya ko pa ba? sabi nila, hangga't may tibok ang puso, may pag-asang umibig. sabi nila pagmahal mo talaga ang isang tao, maging sino man siya, todo pa rin ang umibig. sabi nga nila, bulag na ang pag-ibig dahil lumalangoy ka na lang sa agos. para daw lumilipad ka na sa ere.

tulad ng iba, takot pa rin akong umibig. tulad ng iba, iniisip ko kung kakayanin ko pang magsakripisyo sa pag-ibig. tulad ng iba, nag-aasamasam pa rin akong mahanap ko ang tamang prinsipe na magpapatibok ulit ng puso kong matagal ng di nagmahal ng husto.

ang tanong...kaya ko pa kaya? kaya ko pa kayang hinayin kita? kaya ko pa kayang tiisin ang tago komng pag-ibig sa iyo? kaya ko pa bang pigilin ang malalakas na tibok ng puso kapag nasa tabi kita o kaya's kung nasa harap kita? kaya ko pa bang iwasan ang malalagkit mong titig? kaya ko pa bang pigilan na mahalin kita ng todo?

sana kaya ko pa. dahil sa unang pagkakataon, may isang taong nagpakita ng lubos na pagmamahal ng mas higit sa ipinakita ko at ipinadama ko sa kanya. takot lang ako. duwag lang ako. siguro, tulad mo, torpe din ako.

panginoon...bigyan mo ako ng lakas ng loob kayanin ang lahat ng pagsiubok ng pag-ibig. alam kong meron kang iniakda para lang sa akin. kung sino ang taong yon, ako'y magmamasid at makikiramdam. at sana kapag dumating ang tamang panahon na yon, ay kakayanin ko at sana hindi ko pagsisisihan.

siguro naman....kaya ka ko.

posted by pinay freestyle @ 12:18 AM [[ 0 comments ]]

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