+++ MY SILENT REVERIES +++

confront

"he" talked to me about ron.

i told " him" i love ron. yeah, we have issues....problems we need to resolve but i know in my heart, he loved and still loves me. and i loved him, too.

he said, " he was only temporary."

i answered, "he's not because he is ALWAYS my friend."

he replied, " i'll wait...i'll be right here, though...even if it's forever."

he added, " he better take good care of you. he 's stupid if he lets you go. he got someone so precious and special."

in my head, " i hope he will...i pray he will, too."

he told .....

ron wrote me a letter.

some words touched me: he told me to stop my "word hard therapy" because it was "not healthy" for me, he told me "it's okay" to go to catalina island with " him" but i don't think i will go, he told me " i need to take care of myself first before i can take care of others," he told me that " don't work too hard," that "he will be there," that "he doesn't have anywhere else to go but to me," he told me "he's been worried sick of me," he told me " he missed me" but of course, above all these, that "he loved me."

aww. many of the millions reasons why i love this guy.

*sighs*

aww. i missed him, too.

confused

he asked me to see him. i excused, "i'm too busy. i have a lot of patients." i did. i had two discharged but i also had four admissions. damn admissions. i have not seen him. it's been days. before, i see him every day of my shift. we'd have our " how-was-your-day-talks" and inside jokes. i felt guilty so from my nursing ward, i called his extension, " hey, i just want to know how your day is goin' " then he rambled, whined, and complained like he used to.

as i said, it has been days. we have not seen each other nor talked to each other for waht it seemed like months. he said he missed me and i'd always say, " oh yah, no doubt, me, too" just to keep it simple. at times my eyes were puffy, he knew i cried and he also knew it was because of this problem i have with ron. and he is probably the only friend who knew what was going on.

i left work and did not see him. i felt guilty again the next day. so i called him and asked him what he wanted for lunch. actually, i wanted to see him. i don't know why. i have ron in my life and yet, something about 'him" wants me to see him. so i bought food for him and his brother. i parked at the side curb. i got a glimpse of him from afar. i could already see his smiles. he came along, with his brother. i handed them their food. i said i was in a rush. he smiled and stared at me. i smiled back but i avoided his stares. but on his lunch bag, i gave him a thank you card with my sticky picture on it because he complained about how he never see me. now, he can see me anytime he wants. plus i gave him one of the lotions i used...he liked the smell of my hand lotion. but anyway, i left hurriedly but i told him i'll call him again when i get home.

i failed to call him because i had errands to do. at work yesterday, we had low census. i had minimal number of patients. i had every chances to see him one floor down from mine. but i didn't. i don't know why. i just felt as if it was not right. but i called him. my break times went and gone and yet i did not visit him. finally, i had one hour left and i told him, i'll bring him dinner after work.

and then i did. finally, i saw him. he greeted me with a huge smile and a loud, "i miss you, seaweed!" i smiled back. in the back of my head, i told myself, i missed him, too. but i could not say that. i was with ron. so i borught him his food in his room and we talked about our lives again. we always had wonderful conversations and laughters.

when it was time to go, i gave him a hug and a peck on the cheek like i always do. and then he said, hug him one more time...i did and then he kissed me. on the lips. he kissed me. he smiled. and i looked at him, wondered why he did that. i decided not to ask him anything. i did not need to knwo what it was for. i was curious but eh, i didn't have the nerve to ask him anyway. casually, i told him it was getting late and i need to excuse myself.

when i got home, he called, he said he missed my lips. eh. i could not say anything. i was scared. i am still with ron. but i knew how much "he" liked me. in some weird ways, he makes me happy. but he knew we could not be more than friends. i love ron but "he" has been filling up for ron's absence.

i'm confused. i decided to avoid "him" again. it's just...it's not right.

"baby loc," my patient was transferred to another unit of the hospital yesterday. i will not able to see him every time i am there. and he will be discharged in couple of days.

we had a long talk last about everything, about my fears of being in this relationship with ron. and loc advised me that the decisions relies on me. and he is not getting on the way. but if i need him, he will never leave me alone.

at the end of our conversation, he said, " len, if only you knew, (sighs) like that old school song by patti la belle.i can't tell you. it's just...." i bugged him what he meant. but he would not even dare tell me. so what do i do?

here:

If Only You Knew
Pati La Belle

I must have rehearsed my lines a thousand times,
Until I had them memorized.
But when I get up the nerve to tell you,
the words just never seem to come out right.
Chorus:
If only you knew how much I do,
do love you. If only you knew,
how much I do, I do need you.
I dream of moments we share but your not there,
I'm living in a fantasy.
Cause you don't even suspect,
could probably care less,
about the changes I been going through.
Chorus
No, you don't even suspect,
Could probably care less,
about the changes I been going through.
Chorus (x2)
Oh, if, if....
in my....
love you.....
Iife....You don't know,
I say you don't know,
how much I need you sugar,
If only you knew,
how much I do,
I say you don't know that I love you,
and I'm so fond of you...I love you baby.

for my highness...

lately, i've been suffering those "i-miss-ron-so-much" attacks that it has affected both my eating and sleeping habits. my normal sleeping patterns decreased from eight hours to three hours. not only have i eaten less, but i also have skip two meals a day. for instance yesterday at work, i gave up two of my breaks and sat myself in the corner of the staff lounge and just think and contemplate of all these unberable emotions.

the other night, i talked to one of ron's friend's fiancee, keisha. and she mentioned how hard it is to be in this situation with ron (ron and i are dealing with a situation beyond our control and it will take a while before we find a solution because the answer does not come from us). she said she gets to see her fiancee almost every weekend. i told ron that i wanted that option, too. but things are setting us apart because it will be hard to see each other and then to think that we would not be with each other any longer than we want to because we have to face and attend to our separate goals and lives. nonetheless, keisha adviced me to hold on and be strong. strange because that's what i always tell ron whenever i leave. and then she added, "oh, by the way, ron told me to tell you that ' he loves you and misses you very much ' and for you to sleep early and eat before you sleep and for you take care of yourself."

i smiled.

after the longest 16 hours shift i had in the hospital yesterday, i could not wait to get home and just lock mysefl up in the room and sleep. first, i wanted to clear my mind off this stress. i also yearned to relax my body and my soul. driving home, i thought of ron again. i wonder if he's thinking of me and going insane like me thinking of him. i wonder. pissed off because i could not really figure out any answer, i stepped on the gas pedal and then sped up to go home so i can just sleep, forget about eating, i'll just sleep.

when i got home, i rushed to my room, took a shower and then headed back to bed. but in between my sheets, was a piece of thick envelope and when i held it up, it was from ron. on the hand made card with both our names on it, was a simple reminder that he loved me and missed me. then a long letter which consists of "take-care-of-yourself" lecture. after reading it, i headed to the dining room. there was a beautiful flower arrangement. i said, " wow." and then my sister goes, " oh. that's for you. "

from my peasant, of course, and it stated, " for my highness with love. someone misses you smile. guess who?"

in awe and in unexplainable joy, i smiled. i needed that. last night, i went to sleep with the card right next to me. and i just woke up right now from that good night sleep.

remedies

insomnia attack and i could not sleep. it was already 2 am last night and this thing called, "sleep" would not even haunt me.

so based on my medical background, i did the following sleep and comfort measures.

* back rub - no one can give me a back rub so i took a jacuzzi rub as well. ( DID NOT WORK ON ME!)
* shower - i took a looooong, warm shower at 2 am (DID NOT WORK!)
* comfy blankets - i even used my new mink blanket because it was freezin cold. ( NEEEH. )
* air conditioner on 60 degrees - i was wide awake, i was counting the dots on my ceiling. (FREAK, I WANNA GO TO SLEEP)
* warm milk - my sister woke and looked at me weid because i must have warmed up five cups of milk and i was still hyper. ( HOW COME
IT WORKS ON MY PATIENTS AND NOT ON ME?)

that's it, i gave up. i could not go to sleep. i decided i should take time to write my peasant a love letter. as i wrote it, i cried, and sobbed of what i seemed like barrels of tears. and as i sealed the enveloped, i fell asleep.

waah. it was not insomnia, after all. it's just one of them "i-miss-you-like-crazy" nights because i have not talked to ron for a week. i hate this. this is your fault, ron.

i miss ron.

i miss ron.

i miss ron.

eerrrrrrrrrRRr.

i'm going insane missing this fool.

differences

RON
born: US
grew up:filipino neighborhood in SF valley
when i grow up....be a lawyer
zodiac: gemini
chinese year: rooster
bday: may
nickname: my korean name( i wont tell)peasant
food: hot & spicy (korean food are spicy)
color: blue all the way
movie: scarface
music: gangster rap, soft music
singer/rapper: nas, eastsiders
car: honda civic si( silver) modified
hobby: video games, movies
sports: basketball
boardgames: dominoes!
spare time: i smoke
candy: sour skittles
tv show: csi, smallville
cartoon character: spiderman, superman
ice cream: chocolate brownie
eat/sleep? eat & sleep, can't sleep when hungry
starbucks/boba? boba
rice/ noodles? rice .
expression: know what i mean? you're crazy!
place to settle: cupertino, san jose
sunset/sunrise: both
beach/desert: beach
motto: only strong survives
comment: why are we doing this?

LEN

born:philippines
grew up:kopreatown in los angeles
when i grow up....already a nurse
zodiac: leo
chinese year: horse
bday: july
nickname: ur highness, nori, len, seaweed
food: no hot and spicy food pls.
color: red, baby
movie: up close and personal
music: R & B
singer/rapper: celine dione, ja rule, p. diddy, usher
car: toyota camry ( black) , toyota seqoia 4x4 ( grayins, bronze)
hobby: read and write
sports: basketball and swimming
boardgames: monopoly, scrabble
spare time: hate smokers, i read
candy:strawberry creme savers
tv show: felicity, dawson's creek, sex in the city, friends, jeopardy
cartoon character: tazmania, kerropi
ice cream: strawberry
eat/sleep? sleep. i'm sleep deprived.
starbucks/boba? starbucks
rice/ noodles? noodles .
expression: ewwwK. ( in my englsuih accent: Oh, shut it!)
place to settle: las vegas, hawaii
sunset/sunrise: both, me , too!
beach/desert: beach oh, but ahmm, vegas is a desert.
motto: believing is a magic that makes a dream come true.
comment: thank you ' be. i love yah

shopping list

did i tell you ron is away? well, he is. he wrote me a letter with money order ( my allowance and for other expense) and he sent me a shopping list.

so wanted this denim pants in particular from this store only like this one, and then he wants only white bowers and only white shirts and only from this particular store. so anyway, he is somewhere here in united states and apparently, they do not have korean food there so he wrote me a whole list ok korean food ( munchies, goodies and all that) to buy at this korean market near me.

oh by the way, i hate doing this for him. RRRrrrrr and he knew i hated it that's why he gave me/bribed me pocket money ( hehehe). but since he begged me and technically, he paid me to do this and plus, i loved this annoying fool, i am doing it.

********************************************************************

sibling concerns

on the other hand, my brother long asked me about him just couple minutes ago. and i told him my situation with ron before and our status right now. that he left without saying goodbye but he had a valid reason and that he won't be back just yet but....hopefully soon. it felt good that my brother understands me and my boyfriend's problems. and though he doesn't say it, i know he is deeply concern about me. actually, he wanted to make sure ron will take care of me this time. i feel the same way with girls around him. but that's what siblings are for right? we look out for each other.

unexpected

i had a terrible day yesterday. the department of health and JACHO was in our hospital making sure we do everything the "textbook-right-and-safe" way. so each nurse on the floor was being followed by a department of health associate, checking how we dispose the injections, following the sterile procedures correctly, and if we prepare the right medication with the right dose and if we make sure we double check before we give it to the right patient. in addition to that, they asked too many irrelevant questions. "what does code purple mean? what's the code for chemical spill? if it's a semiprivate room and you have two patients in the room, and they are both getting wet dressings, and all their supplies were there, how do you know which stuff is which? how do you practice "confidentiality and privacy?" (answers: 1. child abduction 2. code orange ( was that necessary? ) 3. err, duh, we label them with patient's name? 4. we label with initials only. we do not talk about the patient outside the ward, we cover them entirely during procedures and expose ONLY the parts we will directly treat, we make sure their charts are protected and ONLY licensed personnels who are working with the patients have access to it.

in addition to that, i had 12 patients ( i normally have 7), 6 out of twelve were bedridden ( very dependent, total care, trach patients, total hip surgery patients, terminally ill ( just-counting-the-minutes), post surgery and pre - op, AIDS...rrr...you name it!!!!). that doesn't stop there. i had three admissions ( one for abdominal surgery, one who is combative ( she came in with restraints on her wrists and a posey jacket) with ruled out psychosis and one with alcohol and drug abuse with unsteady gait but this patient kept wandering on the room that i had to get an order to get restraints.).

now, all in all, i have 12 + 3 patients = 15.

now, listened to this. one of my coworker tried to lift a patient and landed on the wrong foot, and twisted her hip. when i got to her, she was sweating profusedly so i called our emergency room if i can take her there. so i did. so she needed to be replaced. but we could not find anyoen that could take over her. there was three of us to 12 patients each and then now, one is gone so my other coworker and i had to split the 12 patients that she had.

are we doing our maths? before the incident, i had 15 patients ( as i said, i normally have 7). so, 15 + 6 = 21 patients.

i was literally running from room to room to attend to their needs: pain medications for sickle cell anemia patients( they asked for it eveyr goddamn hour), cooling measures and fever reducing measures for post op patients with elevated temperature, monitor vital signs for hypertensive patients and give them meds if blood pressure arise, dressing changes for wounds and bedsores, i had to go through contact isolation rooms ( which means: i have to wear the isolation gown, the mask, the gloves), then i have AIDS patients that i have to completely have to be careful because i am drawing blood works on them, then i have patients with tracheaostomy that i needed to suction intermitently, and then i have a blood transfusion going all at the same time.

i felt as if i was on ER. i 'm not! i was on the medical surgical floor.

going from room to room, i realized i needed to not just give my treatments and my medications but also talk and get to know my patients. i was gilty of being busy that i gave up my two fifteen minutes break just to talk to my patients. i thought i finished talking to all my patients when i realized i forgot to go to the isolation room. this patient refused a surgery that she was usppose to go through that day and i needed to asked her what went wrong when she agreed the day before that. i went in, introduced myself. she told me she could not see me because she was legally blind. i held her hand and i told her i was there to listen when she is ready to talk about what she is feeling regarding this whole procedure and her hospital stay. she cried to me telling me she was not ready and prepared but she also knew she must do it. but she just needed to condition herself. she asked me what my name was. i said, "norilen."

she held my hand tightly. and she started praying for her...and then for me. in her prayer, she said she knew i had tons of patients to attend to and her case might be mere compared to others, but she asked that the Lord provide me with strength. that even though some times, i barely have enough time to see these patients, she uttered, she was grateful and appreciative of the attention given to her. she was thankful that i take the time to sincerely feel and attend to her concerns.

i cried. she could not see the tears in my eyes...but i cried.

there was an odd silence in her room, there was serene. the whole day pulled every veins in my muscle, and i perspired barrels of sweats and i really was dreary tiresome, about to collapse. not only was i physcially drained, but mentally, also. spiritually and emotionally, i was numb. i had not tiem to feel anything.but i forgot that my soul needs to be fed, too. and she gave me that rejuvenation. in fact, now that i think about it, i needed that.

i thanked her for a wonderful conversation. i assured her i will her i will be there when she needed me. i took out my isolation outfit and headed out to the busy and chaotic nursing ward. but now, it was strangely different. with 21 patients, i had a new smile on my face. in fact, i was more relaxed. you know when you have a great attitude and smiling, it's contagious. and that's what happened. when eveyrone else was complaining, i told my coworkers, that let's just do what we can do and not be stressed. we helped each other out with treatments and procedures. one is making sure the documents were well charted, one covered each corner, and attend to the patients there. time flew so fast without us noticing it was 9 minutes more to go and our shifts would end and we had accomplish everything.

phew. what a day!

i think my lesson for this day was: "OUT OF WEAKNESS WILL COME STRENGTH" (hebrew 11:34). amidst the chaos and hecticness of our days, we need to feel that serene. it doesn't matter if it's just a minute. in my case, it was probably just ten minutes. but it worked. it gave me a different attitude and outlook towards overcoming stress and struggle. more than that, i think she was purposedly attending to me. you know how they say, there's an angel in every person? she was my guardian angel. and she came at the peak of the moment when i was about to give up. the Lord touches us in many different strange ways. he wanted to send a message that HE is there, even if we do not notice him.

obviously, He sent me an angel yesterday to remind me to stay calm...because I can do this and that He has faith in me.

questions and confrontations

"why did you leave?"

"what happened this last six months? i mean, what really (the truth!)happened?

"do you really loved me? did you even loved me then?"

"how can you say you loved me and then leave and NOT say good bye to the one you say you love?"

these were just some of the things i interrogated ron. it has been six months. i knew he wasn't ready to explain himself. but i said i demanded an explanation. i reminded him that i waited six months for these answers. he should have been ready to be confronted.and that he knew that somewhere down the line, i will be bugging him for replies, anyway.

his reply?

"give me time to explain."

NO, i demanded answers ....now and pronto. for the first time in six months, i cried to him. i told him i understood his problems and his issues but did he even tried to be considerate of my own issues? for the first time, i was able to voice out things that trapped me lonely and hurt inside. i mentioned that the only reason why i got two jobs was because i wanted to ignore, of possible even numb, the pain he caused me. i seeked for answers i could not find and only him can provide him with the truth. it was extremely difficult for me to sleep at night without crying. i was in the state of depression. i had insomnia and fatigue. it was just hard. but through it all, i got up.

now, i am gradually adjusted without his presence, he came back. i took him back because he never cheated on me. we never had any third party involve. in fact, up until this very moment, i still do not have a clue why he left. and i am waiting for an answer. i cried so hard yesterday that my eyes were puffy today. all he can say was: he loved me and he never stopped. and i truly feel that. as a matter of fact, i felt the same way. i knew he was worth fighting for. but all i was aksing was for him to fight for me, too...for US.

i told him that i loved him so much. that he can never find anyoen who loved and continues to love him this much. other girls would have turned his back on him. he mentioned he hurted everyone he loved including his mom. and i sarcastically commented that he better rethink that because he might regret it. he said he needed tiem to explain to me everything. he said he will answer my questions and queries in due time.

but it hurts. and i knew the twineg triggered him knowing that he caused me this hurt. but i loved him dearly. that doesn't change. i just truly think that it wasn't fair that he is not giving me the answers yet. i just think i deserved a detailed explanation even if it will hurt me evn more. but he assured me, he will. i hope he will.

truth was, i was upset and ready to go and he begged, more like pleaded, me to stay. hysterically mad, i asked, " for what? you are just going to hurt me more. do you want me to stay in your life or do you want me to go?" he replied, ". " for what? because i love you. i never wanted to go. of course, i want you to stay he promised he will be ready with the answers and i just need to wait a little. he literally begged me not to go. he kept saying he needed me because he needs me, he wanted to talk to me, to let him know things wil be okay, that i will be okay.

love is a many splendored thing. i tell you this, love will not be love without its ups and downs. but these are the things that creates a foundation. a sturdier and stronger foundation that will weather all the storms, one that will walk throught the torns of life, one that will get up when it fell, one that will survive. my relationship with ron jsut went through a tornado filled catastrophy. it was truly a rough ride. we are still learning to sail our ships smoothly.

and there will be more odds along the way. i am anticipating it. i pray that ron will fight for US this time. but i am sure i will be ready. we will be ready. after all, the sun shines, the calm and serenity and the rainbow comes after the storm. at this time, the sun is shining brightly for me and ron. there's a calm when i am with him. and i keep him sane. we always complimented each other.

he kept saying, " only the strong survives on this fucked up world." isn't that obvious? after allt he hurt, after all the trials, after all the lonely nights, after all the tears, the rain, ron and i are still here. after a year, we're still here fighting and surviving. my vow is to not give up. his vow is to make me happy and NOT hurt me again.

i look forward to that.

*sighs*

my peasant, i look forward to that.