"why did you leave?"
"what happened this last six months? i mean, what really (the truth!)happened?
"do you really loved me? did you even loved me then?"
"how can you say you loved me and then leave and NOT say good bye to the one you say you love?"
these were just some of the things i interrogated ron. it has been six months. i knew he wasn't ready to explain himself. but i said i demanded an explanation. i reminded him that i waited six months for these answers. he should have been ready to be confronted.and that he knew that somewhere down the line, i will be bugging him for replies, anyway.
his reply?
"give me time to explain."
NO, i demanded answers ....now and pronto. for the first time in six months, i cried to him. i told him i understood his problems and his issues but did he even tried to be considerate of my own issues? for the first time, i was able to voice out things that trapped me lonely and hurt inside. i mentioned that the only reason why i got two jobs was because i wanted to ignore, of possible even numb, the pain he caused me. i seeked for answers i could not find and only him can provide him with the truth. it was extremely difficult for me to sleep at night without crying. i was in the state of depression. i had insomnia and fatigue. it was just hard. but through it all, i got up.
now, i am gradually adjusted without his presence, he came back. i took him back because he never cheated on me. we never had any third party involve. in fact, up until this very moment, i still do not have a clue why he left. and i am waiting for an answer. i cried so hard yesterday that my eyes were puffy today. all he can say was: he loved me and he never stopped. and i truly feel that. as a matter of fact, i felt the same way. i knew he was worth fighting for. but all i was aksing was for him to fight for me, too...for US.
i told him that i loved him so much. that he can never find anyoen who loved and continues to love him this much. other girls would have turned his back on him. he mentioned he hurted everyone he loved including his mom. and i sarcastically commented that he better rethink that because he might regret it. he said he needed tiem to explain to me everything. he said he will answer my questions and queries in due time.
but it hurts. and i knew the twineg triggered him knowing that he caused me this hurt. but i loved him dearly. that doesn't change. i just truly think that it wasn't fair that he is not giving me the answers yet. i just think i deserved a detailed explanation even if it will hurt me evn more. but he assured me, he will. i hope he will.
truth was, i was upset and ready to go and he begged, more like pleaded, me to stay. hysterically mad, i asked, " for what? you are just going to hurt me more. do you want me to stay in your life or do you want me to go?" he replied, ". " for what? because i love you. i never wanted to go. of course, i want you to stay he promised he will be ready with the answers and i just need to wait a little. he literally begged me not to go. he kept saying he needed me because he needs me, he wanted to talk to me, to let him know things wil be okay, that i will be okay.
love is a many splendored thing. i tell you this, love will not be love without its ups and downs. but these are the things that creates a foundation. a sturdier and stronger foundation that will weather all the storms, one that will walk throught the torns of life, one that will get up when it fell, one that will survive. my relationship with ron jsut went through a tornado filled catastrophy. it was truly a rough ride. we are still learning to sail our ships smoothly.
and there will be more odds along the way. i am anticipating it. i pray that ron will fight for US this time. but i am sure i will be ready. we will be ready. after all, the sun shines, the calm and serenity and the rainbow comes after the storm. at this time, the sun is shining brightly for me and ron. there's a calm when i am with him. and i keep him sane. we always complimented each other.
he kept saying, " only the strong survives on this fucked up world." isn't that obvious? after allt he hurt, after all the trials, after all the lonely nights, after all the tears, the rain, ron and i are still here. after a year, we're still here fighting and surviving. my vow is to not give up. his vow is to make me happy and NOT hurt me again.
i look forward to that.
*sighs*
my peasant, i look forward to that.
posted by pinay freestyle @ 8:51 PM
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