+++ MY SILENT REVERIES +++

Thursday, May 31, 2001

Gangster's Paradise

I wanted to scribble a long story about my old gangster life but harsh memoirs begun to approach my head and it started bringing twinge in my heart. Why did I engage to this thinking again? I have been chatting with this one guy onthe asian chat for some time now but I think I never mentioned his name (it's Ron, short for Ronald). And he used to be a hardcore gangster like me. I don't want to brag about my ugly past. But I don't ever regret joining it because it made me what I am today. Talking to Ron, I realized, I was not the only who felt this way. So I am not writing about this matter to justify my actions when I was young. I suffered the consequences and I am still experiencing some of its horrendous effects now. But I am talking about this for the reason that I want to let it out, to speak out and let it go....completely.

I never met Ron. In fact, all we have are our phone conversations. I have been talkign to him on and off consistently for two months now. We always reminisce about the thugged out life we engaged in. He asked me why I joined. For a minute, I refrained from responding. Then I uttered I needed some form of escape to my very "traditional and clean" lifestyle, to seek the thrill of being in the edge of death, but mainly because of peer pressure and belonging. Then I added, I do not regret it. I gained wonderful friendships and earned sense of strength and esteem. But if there was one thing I particularly hindered against this ghetto life, it was "fighting for a name." I had to hate someone because he or she is labeled under a name that my gang was against of. Lives of my friends and mines, too were on the line just because of this stupid name.

But these are the stories I never told. The circumstances I managed to keep unsaid over a very long of time. I think, now is as good as a time as any to tell you about my "friends."

Khristine, a home girl of mine, was gang raped by our rival gang until she lost conscience. She left and I never heard from her again.

"Dopey" was out one Friday night and unfortuanely hanging around the "wrong neighborhood". Our rival gang trailed him and "kidnapped" him and kept him in their gang quarters. Not only did they crossed out the tattoed gang name on his back with a tattoed off their gangs name, they also cigarrette burned his penis and tattoed it in with their gangs name. They sent us polaroid pictures of it. It was hard enough that I heard about it, but for me to look at the gruesome images, it almost made me puke. This particular rival gang then sent a threat that any female from our gang better be on check because one of us is next for a gang rape.

It was a diificult time for me. Janice's mom found out abou our well kept life outside school due to soem squealing of some people and my only bestfriend in the world, was sent home.

Then there was another Christine. All I remembered form this incident was while in the car, "Mousy" kept yelling "Dock down! dock!" There was a rival gang shooting at the vehicle we were riding. There were two onf my homeboys in front and then it was (from L to R) Paul, Christine, me, and then Mousy. Christine docked and was shot in the brain. The blood flowed freely on my left. My friend was dead. She is gone.

I was barely getting over the fact that she was gone, then Jimmy came. Jimmy was probably one of the many "Jefrox" homeboys I bonded. I remembered him as funny, wacky, intelligent and well grounded. He had a huge argument with his father that he ran away from his parents and lived with the head of our gang. I was with him one night and we parted ways as usual, with the Jefros good bye signs and all that ...huggie here and there. And then he told me to better go to school the next day or else, he will tell the head and we get punished for "ditching" school. He would always joke around like that. But at times, he would tell me stories of him and his father, how they are so close and yet, they start to don't get along because of petty things. I bid them bye just like any normal night. But the morning after, Los Angeles Police Department came to my school and summoned me to the counselor's office and asked if I knew a guy named Jimmy. I answered yes. I don't what happened exactly because I think I wholly blanked out and all I understood was he was gun downed execution style mignight during the night we parted ways with our friends. I rushed to the hospital and there, I saw my "homies" crying. Inside the hospital room, there was Jimmy's dad hysterically punching the wall and sobbing. I cried my self.

That was four special people to me down and more to go. Some in jail, some injured, some were shot but recovered, some raped, some left.

I couldn't take it anymore...dealing with more deaths, losing more friends.

I left.

I moved to another school where i can start all over again and to another city where I am away from the chaos. And I left these stories untold to anyone. Perhaps, I could have mentioned this to Maff or Glenn but to the rest, it was untold. I just started telling the story again when Ron asked me.

These are the stories. This is a part of me that you will hear now and forever be closed. Judge me, tell me what I did wrong, remind me I am stupid...say whatever you want. I am relating this story for myt friends' sake...to tell their stories and let go of that pain I had for a long time. Why did I thought of revealing this now? to set free all the anguish and the sorrow I have left and also to justify my lost friends.

I will never be what I am now...I will never reach all the accomplishments now...if not for the not so fortunate circumstances I engaged in. All tha strength now, the courage, the bravery, the failures and the successes, was because of the brutal environment that severly exposed me to blaring reality of life and death.

I was 13 years old and ninth grade in junior high school when I first joined JEFROX gang. I was with them until I was 17 ....or 18. I forgot.

Nine years passed.

So for the last time, I will claim it again, for my friend's souls who are resting in peace and for those, like me, have started a new life.

This is LADY JUSTIZZE. Down for the Maplewood side, Los Angeles JEFROX gang.

I'm out.

HIDDEN SIX PACKS

If I was in immense pain yesterday because of cardio kickboxing, I am in the state of complete soreness right now and as much as double the tremendous pain I was in yesterday. I think it was when our instructor made all of us put our backs onto the wall and do a routine similar to a squatting position, well, actually, it is more of sitting on a chair position with an imaginary chair on our rears, and we sat there for thirty minutes. But this was after doing what it seemed like a thousand sidekicks and endless jabs and punches. After the excruciating squats, we did our hundreds of crunches in every position you can imagine(on our back, side lying, and one leg up and vice versa). Then we had to do some walking around the gym. But here's the catch, you have to walk bending one knees all the way to the ground and then switch to the other...all around the gym. Did I tell you, besides my cardio kickboxing, I still do my regular tae bo workouts? But I must admit, cardio kickboxing is harder than tae bo. But I must say, my punches and kicks improved over the course of a week. I think I do it better with my guy friends who are in the class.But I have to endure harsh pain for me to get gratifying and pleasant results. Yes, as you can imagine, I am taking in all sorts of gruesome muscles pains one can ever think of. Maybe, in no time, my hidden six packs will show up. Yes, we all have a six packs around there and all we need to do is excessive workouts (until your physical abosy is almost dead, I must say...heheh) in order to bring this out.

Wednesday, May 30, 2001

MAFF: I am glad you're doing okay. I don't want to mention too mnay infos here for confidential and personal purposes but just know, I am here.

Oh yeah, went to Glendale Galleria today and shop for more clothes and shoes. Oh yeah, I got the new Destiny's Child CD. I love their revival version of "Emotions" and with the ballad " He Must Be." It reminds me of Glenn. But I know he is not the one for me.

Steve jojned me in my Cardio kickboxing class today. I can't even describe to you how sore my whole body is right now. It was an overall work out from crunches, to jumping jacks, to punches, to all types of kicks, jabs and just the entire workout was exhausting and painful. The instructor kept remindign us, "this should nto feel pleasant and if it does, you are nto doign it roght." Well, I guess, I am doing uit right because my entire body is two minutes form collapsing! And worse yet,this is onle the second day. Well, at least, one thing's for sure, I will trimmed down this summer! Whoa! Anyways, as I mentioned earlier, my instructor is so fine and so buff that nevermind the pain, he keeps me "inspired." Yeah right, okay, he is really fine....that's very inspiring to me to at least bust my rear off. *wink*

LESSON: LETTING GO

I received an email from close friend of mine, Marites, whom I bonded in Christmas Institute(Spritual Retreat) because she was one of my five roommates.Well, I have lost in touch with her because she was preparing to go to college and I, too, was busy establishing my own career. I used to talk to her about Glenn and she talks to me like a "Hawaiian SistaH" and we would bust out "Li'de dis, en talk li'de dat" like how folks in Hawaii talked "pidgin english." And everyone would just laugh all night and morning long in our room. Then we would get in trouble for laughing so loud.

With all that mentioned, after a year, Marites emailed me. Weird thing because she doesn't know what I have been up to. The last time e saw each other, Glenn and I were going strong. In fact, she has no idea what has been going in my life. But her email gave me reflections to think about and consider. It was actually one of those forwarded mails I get that really made sense. And rarely do I post stuff in my blogs from my emails because I like posting emails that means a lot to me. Well, this is one of them. Thanks, Tess. I'll see you soon. I miss you girl.

TO MY READERS: Perhaps, this can lighten up your day as much as it brought sunshine to mines.

WHY IS IT SO HARD TO LET GO?

The cheerful girl with bouncy golden curls was almost five. Waiting with her mother at the checkout stand, she saw them: a circle of glistening white pearls in a pink foil box.

"Oh please, Mommy. Can I have them? Please, Mommy, please?"

Quickly the mother checked the back of the little foil box and then looked back into the pleading blue eyes of her little girl's upturned face.

"A dollar ninety-five. That's almost $2.00. If you really want them, I'll think of some extra chores for you and in no time you can save enough money to buy them for yourself. Your birthday's only a week away and you might get another crisp dollar bill from Grandma."

As soon as Jessie got home, she emptied her penny bank and counted out 17 pennies. After dinner, she did more than her share of chores and she went to the neighbor and asked Mrs. McJames if she could pick dandelions for ten cents.

On her birthday, Grandma did give her another new dollar bill and at last she had enough money to buy the necklace. Jessie loved her pearls. They made her feel dressed up and grown up. She wore them everywhere - Sunday school, kindergarten, even to bed. The only time she took them off was when she went swimming or had a bubble bath.

Mother said if they got wet, they might turn her neck green. Jessie had a very loving daddy and every night when she was ready for bed, he would stop whatever he was doing and come upstairs to read her a story.

One night when he finished the story, he asked Jessie, "Do you love me?"

"Oh yes, Daddy. You know that I love you."

"Then give me your pearls."

"Oh, Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have Princess - the white horse from my collection. The one with the pink tail. Remember, Daddy? The one you gave me. She's my favorite."

"That's okay, Honey. Daddy loves you. Good night." And he brushed her cheek with a kiss.

About a week later, after the story time, Jessie's daddy asked again, "Do you love me?"

"Daddy, you know I love you."

"Then give me your pearls."

"Oh Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have my baby doll. The brand new one I got for my birthday. She is so beautiful and you can have the yellow blanket that matches her sleeper."

"That's okay. Sleep well. God bless you, little one. Daddy loves you"
And as always, he brushed her cheek with a gentle kiss.

A few nights later when her daddy came in, Jessie was sitting on her bed with her legs crossed Indian-style. As he came close, he noticed her chin was trembling and one silent tear rolled down her cheek.

"What is it, Jessie? What's the matter?"

Jessie didn't say anything but lifted her little hand up to her daddy. And when she opened it, there was her little pearl necklace. With a little
quiver, she finally said, "Here, Daddy. It's for you."

With tears gathering in his own eyes, Jessie's kind daddy reached out with one hand to take the dime-store necklace, and with the other hand he reached into his pocket and pulled out a blue velvet case with a strand of genuine pearls and gave them to Jessie. He had them all the time. He was just waiting for her to give up the dime-store stuff so he could give her the genuine treasure.

So as it is with our Heavenly Father. He is waiting for us to give up the cheap things in our lives so that he can give us beautiful treasure.

Isn't God good?

Are you holding onto things which God wants you to let go of?

Are you holding on to harmful or unnecessary partners, relationships, habits and activities which you have come so attached to that it seems impossible to let go of?

Sometimes it is so hard to see what is in the other hand, but do believe this one thing..

God will never take away something without giv! ing you something better to take its place.

****Why did this email touch me? I don't know. Perhaps, I feel like the "pearl necklace" is Glenn in my life. I can't let him go like the daughter had a difficult time giving the necklace to God. That's how I felt when I had to accect teh harsh truth about Glenn and his mishaps. It was painful and yet, I needed to do it. I had to let go of it. Now, is this email telling me there's someone meant for me out there, someone better, someone who I deserve? Perhaps, yes or perhaps no. I think, I am agreeing what Rod said in his post today, that I should be patient. So with these forwarded mail and patience, I am gradually realizing that my Lord has been good to me. And I need this hurt and pain to wake me up and make me strong each time an aodd comes my way. Thank, Tess. It was helpful.

Tuesday, May 29, 2001

NEW HAIRDO out of Boredom

Oh yeah, I was getting frustrated with my crappy hair so I chopped it shorter (again) today. I went to the parlor and whatever the hairstylist recommended I should do with it, I just kept agreeing. Now, I just realized I do have short hair up my shoulder. I used to have it all the way to my waist, then I got cut down to chest length and now, it's above my shoulders. I figured I needed something to do with my boring self so yeah, I had it layered and all that. I was planning to color it blond again but I just didn't want chemicals with my hair after all the straightening I did my hair(for you who didn't know, I inherited my mothe's natural curly hair so I got it straightened out), I didn't want to damage it any further. And as usual, my mother mumbled how I shoudl just chopped it all short liek a boy's cut so I don't have to maintain it especially now it's summer time and plus, at the hospital, we have to alway put our hair up and no hairs on the collar of our uniforms. We'll see how my buddies at school react tomorrow. For once, I left my hair natural black because I usually have highlights and all.

Back to Summer School

*****One thing that was good today was my cardiokickboxing instructor is fine! hahaha LOL. Yep, I am doign punches today and kicks that my body is physically numb and sore. My knuckles are sore from punching the punch bags and my knees are still wobbly.

*****I saw Scuba Steve so that's good thing.

*****Pardon me, I had a busy day. I am tired and my brain cells are not functioning normally. I'll try to post intelligent blogs next time.

Monday, May 28, 2001

Ego boost

I miss .........hmm.. I don't know who I miss. I am just feelign all alone again. Well, good thing is, I get to go back to school tomorrow and be with my friends. I hope I meet some nice, intelligent,and cute fellas. hahah LOL. Sounds like I am desperate for romance? I am! At least, Joni and Gerry complemented me for my nice smile. LOL.Okay. It's very flattering and it's helping me with some ego boost. I guess, I have to smile more.

MOTHER DAUGHTER DAY

I went shopping with my mother and my little sister Noreen at Beverly Center in Beverli Hills today because my older sister from the Philippines insisted (not asked but demanded!) me to buy her some jeans and outfits for herself and clothes for my niece Ischa and my nephew Ichad. Out of pity, I also bought my irritating brother in law his clothes just so my sister won't say anything negative once I send them the whole package.

After that, we went to someFilipino restaurant and chowed some food. We passed by Hollytron ( an electronic store) and mother insisted that we should buy a new home theatre system so I can have the old one and we'll replace a new one. Okay, my mother wanted this huge (I mean, gigantic and life size!!!) television in our family room with the sound system which cost almost $5,000 for just the television alone. So I was arguing that we must canvass other prices first before making a deal. I was just reminding my mother, though, I agreed to help her pay for the television system, that $5,000 is a lot of money and I wokred my butt off to get that money. Well, despite all the arguments, she still wanted the system but at least, I talked her not to buying it now until we at least check out some other home appliances store. $5000? I can buy a new car with that?! I can tour around the world.......my gosh. My mother seem unreasonable at times.

Sunday, May 27, 2001

CLEAN SWEEP

oh yeah, LAKERS won the West NBA Championship againts SPURS. So for all of you that were hardcore Spurs fan, I have two words for you: LAKERS RULE! Did you see how your twin towers Duncan and Robinson looked like? Anywayz, I don't wanna hear it ( talk to the hand!? okay?!). Let the statistic prove it...what was the record? 4-0 my dear....4 straight win with a CLEAN sweep for the Lakers and a lousy ZERO000000 for Spurs. Thank you very much. OJ....watch out for your Sixers. I wish Iverson lose from the Bucks. I can;t wait to see Oj's reaction.

I am doing a collage of myself right now so for those peeps who are freekin' asking for my pixes, will probably get sick and tired of me because my face is all over my collage. Anyone who wants it, email me and I will make it available upon your request..

RRRRRrrrrr's: BITS AND PIECES

Warning: Most this post contents are my whining and complaining. Read and proceed in extremely nonjudgmental manner.hehe LOL

RRRrrr #1.........I had to work today at th sub acute unit nmy cousin Geng was talking about. It was probably the longest 12 hours I 've ever worked. I am so exhausted. I hate working the mornings...the doctors are annoying and arrogant..the other nurses thinks I am stupid or something...and my patients whine too much. RRrr

RRRrrr #2........Now, I am at home and my starvign family waits until I get home for them to be able to eat because I think without me, my family will be anorexic. They expect me to do everythign around here. So right now, I am cooking chicken adobo, some noodles soup, an all amercian meal for my baby brother (he's picky about filipino foods) and of course, rice.

RRRrrr #3.......I just realized i have a lot of things to take care of regarding school and work. I have to start it as soon as I get back on summer school to Tuesday. My life is such a big circus right now. I don't even knwo whjich oen to take care of first.

RRRrrr #4........PR is not freekin' calling. I wonder what he engaged in this time. Did he got in trouble again? RRrr.

RRRrrr #5........And Glenn is claling me three times a day. What the hell does he want? We always have the same drama and it's nto goign anywhere. It just goes around circles. What so hard to understand with :" I cant be with you because you fuck another girl and you are now a father to please, freekin leave my ass alone!?"

RRRrrr #6........any more whines? hmmm...not at the moment.

Boring, boring.......

If Boredom could kill, I will be dead in about......hmm......NOW?!

Did I tell you I was bored?

Well, I am...I am so freekin bored.

Rrrrrrr. WAaaaah. I'm so bored.

Okay, I am chatting with two guys online at the moment at MSN. Gerry, lives in the Philippines and Joni, is from up North. Both are actually nice. Otherwise, I won't be talking to them. And some of these A**holes are irritating the sh*t out of me becasue i went ot this chat room and argued how my Lakers are great and how they will sweep off the Sprus tomorrow and they started cussing me out tellign me that Iverson and Sixers will kick the Lakers butt on Finals. Please, Iverson is injured. RRrr. Okay, I gotta jam..... Joni said, he'll call me here. So , Ciao.

Another one of them nights.....

....and INSOMNIA is in full effect. I have a feeling I will be up all freekin' night like a vampire that waits for the sun to shine to sleep. And I pormised mother I will be up and will attend the church service tomorrow. I am doubting that now. I don't even know how in the hell am I going to sleep and how much more to wake up?

.....PR is not calling. I wonder what's wrong with him. I miss him.

Saturday, May 26, 2001

Thanks, Mickey!!!!

I had a very wonderful cnversation with Mickey last night. For the first time, I was able to open up my "flashbacks" to him. And it felt good opening up to someone. Thank you, Mickey. I really really appreciate it. Just know that I am also here for you in return. Willing to listen, willing to help you in every way that I can.

Fear Attack

Last night, I talked to Glenn. He's still the same: sweet talker, romantic, ghetto, and so on. But I thought of PR and him. I didn't mean to compare but all of the sudden, I got scared liking PR. What if it turned out to be what I had with Glenn? I attacked with fear again and I am engaging in those panic attacks once again. I hate it. PR is not calling. I am not calling him. Rrrr.

Friday, May 25, 2001

GO LAKERS!

Los Angeles Lakers won the 3rd game game against San Antonio Spurs! Shaq was good but I must say, My Kobe was awesome tonight. Did you see him fly? Oh my gosh...he is so fine! Okay, Mike, if you're reading this ( my ex Mike) , you do look him in certain angle but you're the half flip and half White version of him. But Kobe is way better than you because this guy can dunk! Yeah baby! Lakers in in the house.

WARNIGN FOR OJ: One more to go, baby! OJ, You better watch out your Sixers and your Mr. Iverson because here comes the LA Lakers! I am betting on it!

SIBLING CHEFS

My little sister Noreene and my baby brother LA cooked me a fancy and delicious dinner tonight. It was fish fillet with crusted bread crumbs with a tar tar sauce. Check this out, this was the first time ever they cooked me a meal. And it was splendid for first time chefs. Thank you, "adings," the meal was great and wonderful. I hope to taste some of your other entries soon. I have a feelign I won't be cooking dinner for these little siblings of mine any time soon. I am actually enjoying being fed and served for a change.

Warrior Is A Child

I was feeling depressed the other day. You know how I always tell you no one really knew how depressed I am. I am always perceived as funny, wacky, easy going, , strong, brave, smart (whatever, I try...), ...overall a party animal. But honestly, I get attacked by depressing and lonely thoughts all the time. I am just very good at hiding it. I had the Filipino artists Gary Valenciano's CD entitled "Revival." I enjoyed couple of songs from it but there was one song in his album that pertained to my loneliness right now. It completely described what I am feeling and what I am going through. So here, I am posting it in. Read on.

Warrior is a Child
by Gary Valenciano

Lately I've been winning
Battles left and right
But even winners can
Get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
I'm strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears
CHORUS:
They don't know that
I come running home
When I fall down
They don't know who picks me up
When no one is around
I drop my sword
And cry for just a while
(Look up for His smile)
'Cause deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child
(Aah)

Unafraid because His arrow is the best
But even soldiers need
A quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
I never face retreat, oh no
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet

Repeat chorus twice

Speaking of the Devil

I was tired last night and then the phone rang. If I was not mistaken, it was quite late. I am trying to catch some nap and then, the man in my last blog called. Who else would it be? Glenn. It was quite a long conversation. He admitted he called last night. I told you, I knew it was him. But I'll just stress the highlights

Len: Why do you call me?
Glenn: Because....... I missed you
Len: Why do you miss me?
Glenn: Because......... I am thinking of you.
Len:Why are you thinking of me?
Glenn: Because.....you make me happy.
Len: No. You're annoyed by me especially when I asked you a lot of questions. Why do I make you happy?
Glenn: Because the past four years, you're the only one there for me. I just know you so well. And no one knew me better than you do. I can be whatever I want with you and not worry about being judged. Whenever I talk to you or when I am with you, it brings back wonderful memories. That makes me happy.
Len: Why? Why me? Why not call Donna, or Reiko, or "her?"
Glenn: Nope, not a chance. All I want is you.
Len: You're not answering me last question. ...Why me?
Glenn: Because ....I miss you.......I am thinking of you....because you make me happy.
Len: You already said that. Why? (RRrrrrrr)
Glenn: (Giggles) I think you know. But that's it, I am going to stop answering now....I answered too much already.
Len: You're so busted, Glenn. I know it all. As you said, I know you too well. ( This is what he can't say: Because I love you and I can't get you out my life and I still want you....)
Glenn:Now it;s your turn. Why do you entertain my call?
Len: Because you are my friend.
Glenn:Why are you smiling when I call?
Len: I am not smiling, you are. I'm glad you called...that's all.
Glenn: But you hate me. And yet, you're nice when I call.
Len: I am always nice...to everybody. What's your point? If you're trying to squeeze anything out of me, I am telling you now, I am leaving it unsaid.
Glenn: Why?
Len: Please stop asking me, "Why?" It just have to be that way. But if you want to know, yes, at times, I missed you, too. Happy? Now, shut up.
Glenn: Okay, change topic, when are you gonna come see me?
Len: Ahmm...never again.
Glenn: Okay, then I 'll come see you. Will you go to Vegas and meet me there on your birthday?
Len: I will be in Vegas in July anyways. Whatever, go see me.
Glenn: Are you going to take care of me and be with me?
Len: Nope, not a chance.
Glenn: I am working so hard for you. I am so worried how you've been. There was not a day that I don't think of you and what you're doing. When I am driving to work and from work, you're all I think about. When I get home, I miss how you cooke me food. I play the personal CD's, the tapes you made and gave me. I read your letters. I look at our pictures, the stuff you gave me. When I sleep, you're the last thing on my mind. When I wake up, I miss you more. It's difficult for me. I am working my butt off, Norie.
Len: I told you, I got you under my P*ssy.
Glenn: Ewww, you are so mean.
Len: Only to you. hahah LOL.

There was more........but this was the fun part of it. At least, I know I am not the only one fixing a broken heart. I thought I was all alone thinking of him. It's quite splendid to know that he is thinking of me, missing me, worrying about me the same way I have been cogitating how he has been. If onyl things were the same. I think, even if time and circumstances has passed us by, Glenn and I will be that "perfect match." It's just hurtful events separated and prohibited us to be a couple again. Then maybe, there is someone there for me greater than Glenn. It's just I used to think he was THE ONE for me. Now, as I restrospect, those were wonderful memories. I just regret why he wasn't satisfied to remain faithful to me...and now, he, too is repenting and regretting why it CAN'T BE US anymore.

Well, if this going to make you feel better, Glenn, I used to ask the same thing. And sometimes, I wish we still are the same. But I didn't made actiosn for the consequences to be this way. Unfortunately, we can't be what we were. And it's not me to be blamed. We can whine and cry and all about this matter, but you very well know, we will never be the same together.

Thursday, May 24, 2001

Like A Gum Stuck On My Shoe

Yesterday, I was on my way home barely heading out of school and all of the sudden, I stepped on a gum. And freekin' gum was so sticky that every time I made a step forward, my left shoe adhered to the ground. So I tried to get rid of the goddamn gum but it brazed itself so adhesively on the soles of my shoe that I felt so uncomfortable walking especially over the fact that I was walking on a five inches platform shoes.The gum affixed itself like a wall paper onto my shoe. It was so cleaved , it hindered me to walk properly and I appeared as if I was limping or something. I walked terribly funny.

Last night, my insomnia attacked again. I have been very successful at not thinking of Glenn. Perhaps, it's due to the many stress I've endured the past weeks. I've been so preoccupied with school and everything else and I completely lost track how he has been. Until last night. I knew he called last night. I pressed my call return feature (*69) button at 2 am and the operator mentioned that whoever called was a long distance phonecall. You see, no one calls me long distance except for Glenn or Maff. I clarified with Maff earlier today if she called and she said no. It has to be Glenn. I called him up and he answered the phone and then I hung up. He was up at 11 pm there. His sleeping time is usually at 9 pm because he works at 4 am.

Now why is he up? Why did he call me? And why am I thinking of his loser ass again? I conditioned myself I should be over him. It is not right to think of him. Please, all I want is to be unshackled and unchained from speculating and contemplating his state, to be release from missing his presence in my life, to disenthrall myself from our past romance and to liberate myself into unconstrained opportunities and mindless dating, and to enjoy some other person's company without comparing his attributions to Glenn's qualities.

But the truth is, by the end of the date, I still project grieving and joyless thoughts and unforgettable memories of us together, the loneliness remained burried deep in my aching heart, the ceaseless tears still falls from my sobbing eyes and worse yet, I exceedingly miss him. But it's the wrong concept to cogitate. It's like the forbidden apple that the Lord banned Adam and Eve to eat in Paradise. And yet, there's that relentless temptation.But I know where my boundaries are. Feasibly, I hope and yearn to be better at handling these matters of love. Undoubtedly, someday, I will be able to improve at not letting any thoughts or memories of Glenn in my head and progress at focusing on what lies ahead of me that is positive.

It's just at this time, I can't refrain from feeling the hurt and the pain. I can't shut off our memories completely. It's just like the gum stuck on my shoe...it's clinging there like a cement.

And only time can detach it. Only time. *sigh*

Officially on vacation....

I just got back from Citywalk with my siblings and cousins. It was a bonding day once again. Well, Aileen had to go to her grad night at Disneyland so we left. My siblings and I decided to eat out in Hollywood. Then we headed to my favorite past time: Shopping! We went to Beverly Center and I bought me a flag pants, top, and a matching bag. I will get the sandals tomorrow. I look so patriotic but I figured I wanted something for a change. Plus, 4th of July is coming up anyway. So now, I am home. I am waiting for Charm's call if we're going to Rewind at Arena tonight. If not, it will still be good if I stay home and sleep. I am now officially on vacation. For five days....but I scheduled some gigs with friends so that should be fun. I go back to school right after Memorial Day. Yep, another dose of nonstop studying. Plus, I am still undecided if I should go work full time in the sub-acute unit cousin Geng works at. It all depends how schedule school will be.

Blogger is experiencing technical difficulties. RRr...I have no idea when will these blogs be posted.

Cousin Aileen is in town, I have to go to Universal Citywalk NOW...and bring her lunch.

Ciao.

Maff's response on letter for _________. Just one of the many reason why Maff is my bestfriend. She appreciates what I do for her. This is actually an excerpt.

Len,
thanks for the letter for ______. YOu didn't have to do that. But it meant a lot. Knowing you know what I went through and what I wanted out of life. And most of all you try to understand my feelings for him. THANKS!

love,

Maffi

Go for it?

Mike and I talked about PR.

Len: I like him so much. He's sweeping me off my feet.But he doesn't know.
Mike:LOL. Ur bad...Then go for it. What do you have to lose?
Len: I lose Steve and then him, fi things don't work out. Of all people, why did he had to f*ck Steve's girl?
Mike: It's the past.
Len: She's Steve's gf. I feel awkward. Steve's one of my best guy buds.
mIKE: well whatever relations u have on the side shouldnt involve steve dats u and dat person biz.
Len: Should I forget it or go for it?
Mike: Go for it.
Len: Huh?
Mike; Go for it! And Shut it!
Len. LOL.

Wednesday, May 23, 2001

I sent Arvin an email through Maff. I hope he liked it.

CHITCHATS

***I didn't get to talk to Richard/PR last night. I actually miss him. I waited for him to call but at the same time I kept myself busy reading the books. I wish I talked to him. It's just I miss talking to him. I miss how he checks on my daily escapades. But atthe same time, I don't want to get on his way. I want him to concentrate on his studies. I'll wait. Plus, I will never have the guts to call him anyway. So I have no choice but wait.

***Something upset me yesterday. It's ther Nursing Department here at school and they are freekin' getting on my nerves. I am creating a back up plan just in case they don't prioritize me to get in next semester. All I kept hearing is, "I will send you a memo as soon as we settle things done." This is the same "drama" they mentioned last year. And gosh, that Filipino secretary in the Nursing program is getting on my goddamn nerves. She is do irritating. And even worse, if I stay in this school, I will have to deal with her annoying demeanor all freekin' year long. So I made up my mind, I am keeping my options open. Just in case they will put me on hold, I am applying to the Nursing program in Glendale and the one in Modesto. Accrodign to cousin Aileen, they are badly in need of nurses and they will train you for a Bachelor's in Nursing Degree. I am all for it. I just don't want to deal with this waiting game at school .

***Anywayz, I was chitchatting on the phone with my cousin Aileen from Salida/Modesto( an hour from San Jose and an hour and a half drive from San Francisco). We talked forever. I think for four hours or less. I am that close to my cousins. We talked about our lovelives, to friends, to crushes, to men and more men!, and my "greedy" cousins and relatives from Philippines, and everything else. It was fun. For a while, I kept the bad escapades I had in the Philippines but it felt great confiding it to her. Well, she'll be in LA on Thursday for her senior trip and I'll come visit her at Citywalk.

***I chatted with cousin Geng, too, from Burbank, and yeah, gossips here and there as usual. I miss Geng,too. But she said, she might go my school for summer classes to take Microbiology so that 's a good thing. At least, I know I will be spending summer with her.

***I just got back from Jollibee with Nel and Steve. I think we are getting recognize there and we should stop going there. But it was a nice lunch. Plus, there were fine Filipino guys. heheh LOL. Too bad, Steve didn't get to see his favorite "waitress." hahaah LOL. He was flirting with some good lookign female there. But she wasn't in today. Instead, there was a hell'a fine gentlemen workign over the counter. But he's too young.

****Lastly, Steve and I discussed the issue between his current GF and the guys I like and the "sexual" situation that revolved around them. We called it truce. But I still feel that there will be that sense of uncomfort when we all hang around together especially on their part. So I don't know. We'll see how it goes. As of now, it's cool between me and Steve.

Tuesday, May 22, 2001

Ride from Hell Part II

Recollection: Remember my ride FROM Vegas to LA when my friend's Janet, Lucy, Andrea, Sheila got into a huge argumeant last Spring Break?

Well, here's a sequel and this time it was Maff's version. The only difference was it was from LA to Las Vegas . And just like my ride from hell, it was four or five hours of driving without any SINGLE word said. Maff, I completely felt the same way going home. I described it as being locked up in a prison cell. Actually, I would rather get locked up on prison cell than to be in that same ride again. Not only didn't I felt comfortable, I felt so isolated and alone. Imagine not having a single "HI" or "Hello" from anyone and to think there was ten people in that van with me. I think it was worse on your case, Maff. Especially the fact that you guys got lost headign to San Francisco instead Las Vegas. Wow, this must've been really difficult.

Maff, I can truly say, I feel your pain. But we talked about this issue already. I hope you get things done and that's my birthday gift, remember? Don't forget.

I like him ? I like him not?

Richard called but I told him to call me back in an hour. I miss him. But at the same time, I am still doing this issue with his ex who is also Scuba's girlfriend now. It's best I don't mention her name. My friends will probably know her. Yeah, but Rich admitted they were an an item before. It's more like a "sexual thing." But it only lasted one week. I'm bothered because "she" is my closest guy friend's girlfriend and Rich's "slut." But that is his past and I shouldn't be worried about it.

I am afraid I am "liking" him more. I told him why did he had to be too good to be true? Like most of the time, I am trying to find negative things about him. Or does he simply amuse me? He is so sweet, intelligent, down to earth, caring, a little ghetto (which I like a lot), God fearing. Rrrr. Am I attracted to him? I don't know.I'll tell you this much. I RARELY like anyone.I rarely think anyone can sweep me off my feet because I am very good at stopping myself from liking anyone. But how does Rich?PR manage to be slick and still make me like him this much? I am clueless. And if I do find him somewhat interesting, okay fine, I really find him attractive in every sense of the word(ssshh, he doesn't knw), he must really have MOST of the qualities I want. I am very picky with men. So for me to find someone rather charming and captivating, he must realy be mesmeric and inviting. I find Rich totally interesting.

He asked me if I was frightened by his sudden flirting. He admitted he liked me because I have a wonderful presonality and it seemed as if we always get lost in our conversation. It's like we have our own world with just him and me existing on it. I don't experience this kind of enticement from anyone except from Inch before. And now, Rich (or PR, his nickname).

Do I like him? or I like him not?

I really can't answer that right now. Maffi suggested I should give it a chance. But as usual, I am a coward at love. I know I am going to kick myself in head if I don't give this a chance. I don't want this to be one of those stupid things I will regret someday that I didn't follow through thinking it was worth a try. Ahh...I don't know.

Term Paper Crisis

Term paper time for my guy friends Mickey and Steve so they came over my house for a last minute help. Gosh, procrastination! I thought I was procrastinating. These guys are literally doing their these the last minute. I felt sorry so I agreed to proofread it and check for some grammatical errors and spelling. We finished around 12 am. Bading and Scuba Steve left then. I miss these guys. We used to hang out together every single day. Now I rarely see them. So, despite the ter paper crisis, I enjoyed spending time with them. And looking forward to see them as often as I can the next approaching days.

Monday, May 21, 2001

I just got back. I'm waiting for Rich to call. He's barely going home from school. Luckily, I know his shift because I used to go to that same school with the same professors. He asked me if I can tutor him. hehehe LOL. I said sure, why not. Maybe next week, when I am off from school. Huhmmm...when is he going to call? I am getting restless and bored waiting.

Oh yeah, my final today? I think I A's that. It was apiece of cake. I am mor worried about my RN 50 class. I hvae three more days of final and I am gonna party my butt off. Talked to Shiela at school. It same sh*et. Nothing new.

Maff, are you back in LV yet? Please call me. ASAP.

Richard

There was a guy I was eyeing on and beginning to like A LOT (very very very much) for a long time who lived in the Valley.This was back on January right after I got back from my Christmas vacation from PI. I met him on an Asian Chatphone. Well, I sent him my picture last January. But anywayz, he was flying to Minnesota for good so we never got to see each other. I told him I'd keep in touch and vice versa. I don't know what happened after that.

But again, he got hold me of me. And he's back and staying with his folks in San Fernando Valley. We didn't had enough time for his explaining but he did tell me that he lost my number. And he was trying to look for me but he doesn't know anyone from the valley who knew me. He also apologized.

So we're talking once again. Flirting once again. We'll see. I am optimistic. Another thing, he's graduating to be an LVN. And check this out, he's on the same school I graduated from as an LVN. I suggested he should transfer there and he took my advice.I'm quite flattered. And Wow, a nurse like me!

Well, I gott'a jam. My mother is bugging. Plus, I have a finals to attend do. Right now, I am smiling. And that's a good sign.

Return Favor

Even if "didn't go through, I asked himt o do me a favor. Since, he was online anyway, I asked him to locate "Inch." And luckily, he was online. I was skeptical if it was really Inch or not. I mean, all the clue were there infront of me. All the information about Vince was laid there for me in his screen name. But I wanted to make sure it was really him. So I asked Mark to IM him. And this was his IM:

Mark ( On IM)
"Hey man, my homegirl was wondering if your first name starts with a V. "

No response.

Five minutes after, no response.

Mark: he's probably wondering, "Oh sh*t, this girl knows me and scaring the sh*t out of him."

It has to be him, I was thinking. It is him. Afterall, what did he had to lose when he replies to Mark's IM. Like me, he was chickening out, too. I just know him too well. I gave him this blog site address. For all I know, he's probably reading it.

So Inch, if you're reading this, HELLO.

Lesbianism

Mark called. It’s so comical how our conversation went. First, he said he called to ask me a big favor and please don’t think of him otherwise. Whatever he was going to ask me, it was just solely for “amusement.” I uttered, well, first he has to tell me what the hell he wanted me to do. Then maybe or maybe not, I will do it.

Mark stated his situation, “ Well, I am so bored so I went online. I am so bored that I created a female screen name and went to one of those lesbian rooms. Okay, I met this girl who is a lesbian . She gave me a picture. She DOES NOT like MEN. She is highly INTO WOMEN. Well, she’s from Long Beach. She gave me her phone number uknowingly that I am a male. Well, this is the favor. I was wondering if the number was valid and we’ll call her up. But, YOU will talk to her since she thinks I am a female. I am not interested in her. I just can’t think ofanyone who will be game to do this but you. I am just doing this for fun purposes. Otherwise, I have no other intentions.”

My reaction was, “ I never picked up girls before. What made you think I will do these for you? Are you nuts? No,I am not doing this for you. This is too much of a favor.

Mark kept bugging. He said, “ Well, this isn’t serious business. It is for entertainment, and wholly and only for that prospect. I am not condoning you to do this every day. Plus, everything is left unsaid. Privacy is on your hands.You can make up any name you want. Will you do it?”

First, it was annoying me. Actually, Mark was getting so freekin’ irritating. But don’t judge me for this, but yeah, I agreed to do it upon my request that I will only talk to this girl for FIVE MINUTES ONLY. And as soon as the five minutes clock ticks I am hanging up and I am gone.

Mark goes, “ Okay, that is so fine with me.”

First try
Mark dials the number. *ring* Then the busy tone comes in.

Len: Give it up, Mark.. It’s a fake number. Otherwise, she’ll leave her line open.
Mark.: Let’s try again.

Second try.
Mark dials the number. *ring* Then the busy tone comes in. AGAIN.

Len: Don’t you get it. It ‘s goddamn busy. Forget it.
Mark: One more try.

Third try
Mark dials the number. *ring* Then “beep, beep, beep, beeep. “
It’s still the busy tone.

Len: What did I tell you? She was probably doing the same thing you were doing online. She was as bored as you are that she had the same motives as you. How can you even trust women on line?
Mark: How many times do I tell you, it was for fun. It’s not like I will do this seriously. And as for online women,I think they are the freakiest. Last try.

Fourth try.
Mark dials the number. *ring* Then the busy tone comes in.

Len: Okay, that is it. Time is up. She was pulling your leg the same way you were pulling hers. What part of the busy phone tones don’t you get?
Mark: So she was playign with my mind, too huh? Daym, and she was fine, too. You guys will look good together.
Len: Not in my nightmares, Mark. Get over it!

I excused myself. I said it was kind of late and I have to hit the books for my finals.

Mark: Wait....Thank you and sorry for getting you intot his sh*t.
Len: De nada ( It’s nothing). Plus, this won’t happen again. LOL.
Mark: LOL
Len: Why are you laughing?
Mark: It could have been fun. LOL. Hey...You’re laughing,, too.
Len: It was hilarious. I was just thinking of your female screen name. I wonder what it was. hahah LOL.
Mark: Nope, I am not telling you.

I had to go. So I hung up and bid Mark, “ Nighy Panget. Get some sleep. And get over your lesbian fantasies.”

In bed, I was wondering. What the hell was Mark’s lesbian fantasies? I wanted to tell her my p[ersonal experiences with a girl But...I decided not to. Plus, it was not something I was proud to do. Like him, I did it solely foramusement.

If only he knew.

Sunday, May 20, 2001

RRr...I can't do it. I am logging off.

Inche is online. Should I say Hello? I'm chickening out.

Miss Social Butterfly

As you can see, I got bored and had a little handy time to reformat my blog site. So, how ya'll like it? Well, I promised myself I will SOCIALIZE my butt off the approaching week and the week after that since I have 5 five days before I start summer school. So I will be the social butterfly that I am.

And it starts this Thursday. I will be at Palace In Lucn KIIS in Hollywood with my homies (at Charmaine's request) and then on Saturday at my favorite Asian hangout (or is it all Filipinos?) at Chiller's in Redondo Beach. Did I tell you that Chiller's is right by Redondo beach? I mean, the waters are literally under you! Yep, I am just beginning to realize what a great place California is. Plus, I just rememebered I set off a date with Jayson (the DJ) to go to Santa Barbara for a weekend get away. I will try to doubel check on that one. Wow, I am quite fully booked.

It's funny because even my cousin Geng reminded me last Saturday on the funeral service of Lola that I should get an off or better yet, a "leave" around second week of July because we (my cousins and I) are invading Vegas for our yearly vacation. PLus, our family reunion will also take place on July and it will be in San Diego. So, I better be prepared for it. Anyone else wants to book a schedule with me? Do it now, folks, before it gets fully booked and I won't be able to set a time to accomodate you. I am feeling quite a rock star with my busy flow of things.

One more thing, on July 29, I will turn 23. I alwasy throw big parties. Last year, I threw a pool party and then a karaoke night/bar and then headed to my pad and another sleep over party. It was like a threeday weekend party since my birthday always fall ont he summer. The year before that, I had a house party with 50 or more guest. I can't even remember. I was too drunk. What have I planned this year? I don't know yet. I want it to be a club scene. Rrr. This is the time I need Inch because he is a club promoter. Well, I'll figure that out.

Actually, with all these said, I am just avoiding the fact that I am hitting the depression mood again. So, before that comes in, I am making an effort to get rid of it by entertainign myself socially while I am off from school for a whole week. Ohterwise, if I don't do this, the five days will go into waste and I already foresee, I would be feeling miserable.

Charm, my fourth bestfriend, just came back from Philippines with Shane and my goddaughter Kayla. I miss you, Blondie!

"Malau"

...is the chinese word for "monkey."

...is also the nickname I gave to David, a homie/friend of mine from a long time ago. I used to like him a lot (just LIKE). I find him amusing and wafully funny. He liked me a lot more than I liked him. But the problem is, I was with Glenn.

I browsed through my old planners and I had a glimpsed of David's home number. The last time I had a conversation with him was roughly two years ago when our house burned down. So I called.

*ring*
Man: Hello.
Len: Yes, good evening...Is David home?
Man: Speaking.
Len: Hi Malau! Do you know who this is?
David: Priscilla? Kristine?
Len: Okay...bye. I don't think you know me anymore. Have a nice night.
David: Just kidding, "dork" (he calls me dork because I act stupid a lot of times!).
Len: So who am I?
David: it's Seaweed (called "Nori" in japanese...For all of you who don't know, my other nick name is Norie).
*I smiled*
David: I miss you, dork!

And the conversation went on from 10 pm to 12 or 1 am.

his updates: no girlfriend, had one but broke it off,lasted 6 months, he's now a sophomore in college, majoring in telecommunications (wow, I am impressed! at least, he's a brainy!), that he missed me. Aww...*chuckles*

I asked...well, actually, bugged, him if we can see each other...watch Mommy Returns or something, check out the Rock. hahah LOL. He reminded me he hates The Rock. I said he hated Rock because he has more muscles and six pack than he does.

And then David goes, "Fine, I have a little confession. He's the only reason why I watched WWF."

I miss his sense of humor. He said he's too shy to see me. But he;s never shy to call me dork because I am. Well, I'll just go to his house and surprise him.hahhaLOL. Nah just kidding. I hope see him one of these days. I'll tell you about it.

Saturday, May 19, 2001

.........Otherwise, I am okay

I am talking to Wesley, Glenn's friend. This is the first time I told him what was going one between me and Glenn. He had no clue what Glenn did in PI. So I told him. It felt good. At least, he was on my side. He 's upset of Glenn. He keeps reminding me "it's not your loss" and wasking if I was fine. I said I am doing fairly okay, and handling things in my life fairly well. It's just the thought of being single completely, the thought of not having him in my life anymore will be a elongated and tedious process I will have to get use to. That's probably the hardest part. Otherwise, I am perfectly living my life.

"Bestfriend's Instinct"

I told you something was wrong with Maff. It's called "bestfriend's instinct." I can't get into details because it is something personal. But all I can do is assure her over and over again that I am there for her.

So she came and pick me up here and we went out . And cruise around Los Angeles which we have not done for a long time. We went to ________ to _________ and pick up cards for ______________. And then headed to Goldilocks for some snacks. Yum "halo-halo." There were some "biatches" there and knowing how bitchy I can be or I am, I walked passed them and gave them the rolling eyes look, eyebrows up.LOL

At Goldilocks, Maffi talked about everything. And the tears, I can see both sadness and joy in her eyes. All I can do is hug her and tell her I am NOT leaving her. Right now, it's the only thing I can do.

Maff, I am always here. Don't lose hope because there are people like me who thinks you're special. Please don't forget that.

TO ARVIN: Thank you for the shirt!

I just called Maff..Something's happening...I'm worried.

Self Confidence

Both at the Memorial Service and the Funeral Service this morning, my aunts and cousins and grandmas and friends are notcing how much I lost weight. And "what was my secret?"

I have to admit, it boost up my destructed self esteem. I have been feeling rather "ugly and chubby" lately. I am dwellign on my inferiority complex once again and it has been painful. The praises I got from my family and friends are very self gratifying and self inspiring. I appreciated it. It felt good inside. It brought back the colors to my tarnished and "black and white" soul.

What was my secret? STRESS. Stress from everything: a broken heart that's mending and a soul that's recovering, a painstaking dedication for school, the immense drive to succeed, the diligence and patience to take on an on call 12 hours shift at work and go to school half asleep, the unconditional love for my family that even my whole body is weary, I still make sure they are well fed and taken care off, sleepless nights, bountiful barrel of tears.....That's my secret. Is there any other way to do it? I dont' know. I just know this has been my regimen.

Death an Dying

"Lola" (Grandma) Marcelina, a granny I grew up with and very close knit extended famiyl of mine, died two days after Mother's Day. Last night, I was at Forest Lawn In Hollywood Hills for the Memorial Service. I saw my cousins Geng and Tin there with my aunties and lola. I even saw this one guy who I saw in a retreat a year ago. I just realized he looked like Glenn. I was eyeing him and he's eyeing me.

Today was Lola's funeral service and burial. While all these people are acknowledging how wonderful Lola Marcing was, I started crying. The memories of her "chicken adobo" and "coffees at 4 am " were brought up. Growing up, she always fed us. On Sundays, I will ALWAYS see her. Her dedication and love for the Lord is inspiring. She was special to me and so as the other people who was there.

But it's mainly the thought of death that's bothering me. I started thinking about my Papa. My father had stroke a year ago and I am still dealing with the pain now. I just realized, anytime, my Lord, can take him and my mom away from me.And it is a difficult thought to think about. When he had a brain surgery that left him in a month coma, and now, with a right side weakness, I couldn't even go to his hospital room because I didn't want to see him weak. I couldn't imagine what he 's growing through.

I see these difficult emotions to deal with in Lola Marcelina's kids and grandkids. It was difficult for me. It must be extra difficult for them. Then Pastor Padilla said, " In life, there's three thing's we all need to remember. One, we will get sick. Second, we will suffer. Third, we will eventually die. And we must accept that and give our ilife to Him above."

I am not sure when this moment will come for me nor my family. I am only SURE that I will have a rough time especially that I am very attached to my Papa. I am only SURE that I offered my life to my Lord and that anytime, he can take it away from me and I willingly give it to Him.

Thursday, May 17, 2001

EXPLODING!!!
I apologize. I'm angry at myself for always thinking of Glenn. While he's having a blast doing I don't know what with his easy to get, 50 cents per round, biatches, I am here and I am freekin' thinking of his loser ass. Why am I getting so mad? I have no clue. He's pissing me off. His girls who keeps invading my life, asking if I was with him, and I shoudl leave him alone, are getting on my freekin' nerves. Gosh, I am living my OWN life here. I am NOT with that ASSHOLE anymore. And please, I left his cad already. You, yes you, irking harlots ( in other words, annoying bitch or bitches) can have him all you want. After all, I squeeze all of the juices left out of him. Besides, you're only going to get I 've already USED AND ABUSED! More to that, please, there's ntohignt o special about him sexually...and if there's any, I am confident, I taught him that. LOL. Now, May I say, to all you whores all over Glenn and talking all your smacks about me (and NOT doing a goddamn thing about it), please get a goddamn life. Find something meaningful to do with your nonsense, worthless lives and leave me alone. I am not going down to your grade one educational elevel Get off my pussy before I explode and shoot every single one of you. *rolling eyes*

Goddamn Glenn, for chrissake, get off my thoughts!!!

Wednesday, May 16, 2001

Unexpressed Emotions

Everything is lingering in my thoughts. And pain, I feel ache again. I can't even write a decent blog. But here's some poems. It should sum up what I feel at this moment.

She Walks (meaning me....)
She walks along this lonely street
no one to dry her tears
massage her tired feet
or calm ever present fears

Seeing life through tainted heart
making everything gray
Alone, her life, anew to start
Always searching for a way

But life goes on no matter what
That fact she cannot quell
Memories ne'er to be forgot
Within her heart they dwell

So she keeps walking this lonely street
Keeps searching to find her way
Every night she lies down to sleep
And prays tomorrow's a better day

Twisting And Turning
Mixing and matching,
Twisting and turning,
Hoping and praying,
Dreaming and considering,
Never knowing yet always knowing,
Wanting to, yet not wanting to,
Mixing my heart,
Matching my soul to yours,
Twisting fate with the flick of the wrist,
Turning my life over,
Hoping that it would end,
Praying that it never would stop,
Thinking it was over,
Wishing that it wasn't,
Dreaming of its coming,
Considering letting it steal within
Never knowing if it's true,
Always knowing that it's there.
Wanting to live in the light,
Not wanting the light to come,
The love of another
The dreams of someone close,
Remembering what you used to feel,
Can it come back if you pray so?

What's been up....

---Maff left to __________. Sorry I can't say. I'm excited for her, and feeling pity for myself for "staying single."I just hope everything is going as planned. I am assuming it is because she is not calling me.

----OJ took me to class today which is weird. He asked me if I wanted to go target shooting. I really want to go. But I am just not comfortable being with him alone. I don't know if I am attracted to him .I don't think I am. I want to know if he is though. But nope, I will never ask him. Let's just leave that unsaid, for now.

----I had my last day of class today. Next week is finals but that shouldn't be that hard. I just got through the most difficult part of the semester which term papers. So anyways, Steve, Nelia and I went to Jollibee in Carson. We always go there anyway. But we went to Del Amo Mall. Drivign there, I thought of Inch. He always shops there. What it I saw him there? Ewww. But Scuba Steve bought a watch (Fossil with a Superman logo) and Nelia bought the Destiny's Child CD which I liked a lot. There was a song there entitled, "He Must Be," and I keep thinking of Glenn. But "he's not the one for me." He will never be.

IF ONLY.....
I'm depressed AGAIN. I am just feeling lonely. I knwo I go out a lot and I socialize as much as I can but as I uttered in my previous posts, I miss having that special someone. For the past three years, I am used to securely knowing someone cared for me and loved me. I'm accustomed to having someone ask me if I was okay and if everything went fine. I adapted to waking up in the morning being held and sleeping with a good night kiss. Routinely, I would get love notes, gifts, roses here and there from the one I love. Customarily, he'd bring me klunch and I'll visit him from work. And I get those odd phonecalls. I don't know. And now, in a snap of a finger, I am alone..on my own without anyone to share the things I encountered every day. This is one of the reason why I precoccupy myself. At least, I venture out on other things. But now, since things had loosen up, I have nothing to do but to overanalyze and overthink things again.

TO PONY-If you can only read my entries. If only....things were different. If only, you didn't "hurt" me. If only......

Tuesday, May 15, 2001

Right now...

I am here at Maffi's mom's house and I am with Maff. She's going "somewhere" and I am just too excited for her. I wish I can spill you the details but I promised to keep my mouth shut. So, sorry folks, it's sealed. Unless you give me a million dollars!!! hahaha LOL.

Well, it makes me wanna have a boyfriend, a steady relationship, I just missed having that permanent someone. He'll come, I am sure. I should just patiently wait.

RRrrrr.

It's 2 am....

I pressed *69 on my phone at 2 am and

Len: Hello...
Guy: Hello
I hang up. Who teh hell was that?

So I tried again.
Dialed *69 again.

Len: Hello, did anyone call here?
Guy: Hello, panget...
Len: Eww, Mark.
Mark: I called you 15 mins. ago.
Len: If this is a booty call, I am hanging up LOL.
Mark: No,dummy, I'm hungry. I'm depressed. I need someoen to talk to. You wanna catch an early morning snack with me?
Len: Hmm...now?
Mark: I'm on the way to your house!

So at two in the morning, I was out with Mark.

It's peculiar how men are generally "keeping their emotions" inside. Mark is one of these men. This morning, it was a different Mark I was with. Strangely quiet and all...expressive, I must say. He said it was one of those days he's depressed, for no reason at all. I knew there has to be a reason why he's feeling a bit, lonely. But I respected his decision not to tell me.

Well, it was a generally a wonderful day. I was with Mark, my lover (it's an inside joke,okay!?)...LOL, my friend. He volunteered to take me to school but I assured him I 'd be fine.

My line of work

Everybody questioned me why I pursued nursing for a profession instead of something else. Initially, I yearned to be a pilot or join the airforce. I mentioned before I grew up playing with my little brother and my guy cousins. I was never a fan of "girly things." I actually took the military entrance exam and passed it with flying colors but my parents thought that military is "too manly" for me.

Nursing was my second choice. I just figured I can't deal with any other profession that deals with sitting down all day. It has to be an occupation where I have direct human contact since I am a "people" person. My mom is a registered nurse. My older sister tried her luck in a Medicine/Health because it was my mom's desire to at least have one of us trail a career in the medical field. But after first semester of college, she switched from BS Biology, to BS Chemistry and then eventually, became a Political Science and Psychology major.She is now one year away from being a full pledge lawyer.

Then I turned into the picture. I can't be in the military so what the heck, fo rthe sake of it, be a nurse. Primitively, I thought of nursing as a carreer I grew up on because over the years, I saw my mom treat her patients. I respected her profession greatly. But it was just that. I guess, at first, I never saw myself wearing a white uniform.

But that all changed.

In nursing school, I learned more about what it takes to be a nurse. It's not a career that you choose by pointing your finger while wearing a blindfold. One has to have compassion, fondness, and love for it. I admit, nursing school gave me torture and torment ( and until now, I am dealing with it!) but at the same time, it made me understand humaneness and benevolence. It is not about just healing people physically but also curing them emotionally and mentally. It is about life, maintaining health, and death in a holistic aspect of the mind, body, and the soul. It's about being a mentor, a friend, a listener, a health maintainer, a caregiver, an authority, a confidant...a human. Not only is it an occupation, it's a responsibility of human act.

In my three years of being a nurse, I gradually earned the dedication to be one. I slowly absorbed my enthusiasm for my chosen field due to various factors. Perhaps, it was the first time I witnessed a mother bearing her child and tears fell from her eyes because of joy or the period when I took care of "Patty,"an AIDS patient, who taught me clemency and empathy towards HIV positive patients. She later died. Maybe, it was the hard blow of accepting death especially with every day people that I deal who have Cancer, or AIDS. Perhaps, it's the hope I see in the children who have terminally ill diseases. How can they have so much hope when they knew someday they will be dying because of their ailment? But I think, it's mainly of the heartfelt "thank you's" I received from the patients and families whom I becamse so attached and even friends with. There are many more and it's just too much to mention.

Today, I watched a television special that featrured with children with cancer, AIDS, Mental retardation and so on. Some are alive, some are on remission, but most eventually died. I can't help but shed a tear. I realized no matter how much they trained you in nursing school to control your emotions, it all comes down to one thing...I realized I am just human.

I attained self confidence and job satisfaction in my chosen field. It makes me feel good that I am able to lend a helping hand and be a someone to a person in need. But one the negative aspect of it, not all will be helped. And it is at these times when I feel as if I failed. But I could not do anything about it. I see my patients die and witnessed their families cry. As a nurse, I tell them, these things happen and that their lovedones are now in a happier place where they belong. But behind closed doors, tears are falling from my eyes and like them, I also mending my aching heart.

Perhaps, this is the main reason why I learned to love nursing and devote my life to be in this field. After all, not all the people in this world can say they have a demanding and challenging job and satisfying, as well.

But I know....I do.

Monday, May 14, 2001

Weee ! I am done....well, technically. I only need to do my works cited page and I am done. Yes, all 49 pages of them! hahahha LOL. And I thought, I was going to procrastinate my entireTuesday night! But no! Yes, I can have fun with Maff. Hurry up girl. See you soon. In 24 hours? okay, fine...less!

Jun, the guy from Sacramento called. He asked if I wanted to go visit him up in Northern Cali. I said I can't because I am so preoccupied he can't even imagine. Then he offered he'll come visit me here. And I bluntly responded, "okay?!"Was that mean? Well, frankly, I am taking his application off to my "potential boyfriends" stacks. hahahLOL. Why? because he smokes and I HATE smokers. I can't imagine kissing someone with an ashtray breath. More yet, I am asthmatic! (What a lame excuse!)

I'm temporaily brainless. I think all my braincells just dropped dead because of too much thinking and also because I was deprived of sleep. So pardon my stupidity and nonsenseness right now.

Sunday, May 13, 2001

I just got an email that Rod read my email. Well, you're welcome. You deserved it!

Busy, busy, busy

Well, I did over 20 pages of rough draft and in couple minutes, I will be typing my final draft. Wow, I give myself a pat in the back. I could have finished it earlier but I had couple of "important" phonecall conversations with "special people"

Who are they?
1) Maff -- Well, I promised her I will not talk about her personal life here but I want to give her an advice...You go girl! I am so excited and happy for you. I am just glad you're happy. That's all that matters. I'll see you here on Tuesday! I can't wait!

2) Mike -- Funny how we become friends then couples and now, friends again. It's a rewarding feeling to be able to talk to someone who used to be a boyfriend and now a friend without hesitation. I enjoy your openmindedness. Thank you for saying I was your "jewel" then and I will still be a "jewel" in your eyes, no matter what. In return, I will always treasure my friendship with you, "dugyot." Maybe I come visit you in Jersey soon! Keep in touch always.

3) Jayson -- Aww...* blushing* He called to say, "I am thinking of you." He just makes me smile and I am glad. =)

Friday, May 11, 2001

term paper time!!!

I'll be posting less blogs this week and the approaching week because of finals.So I'll be back soon.

RSDEVERA: THIS ONE'S FOR YOU

I am hesitant to mention this on this blog but there's this one particular guy I email back and forth for the past week. But I feel as if I need to acknowledge his kindness and understanding on issues that "some men" are insensitive about. This particular fellow does not even know me as much as everyone else know me.Perhaps, vice versa. But I sent him very personal emails pertaining to the pain I am feeling with all the anguish I hived and stockpiled in my heart. I told him about unbearable, racking and bitter thought in my head that I garnered there for some time now. This morning, I felt that sorrow again. And before I lose my sanity, the first person I emailed was him. It's strange because this guy does now even know me. All we have are emails. But he's genuinely sympathetic and kindhearted, reading my endless dramas in my emails and yet, not complaining..(not yet, at least.) He gives me exhilarant advises about life that makes sense despite of the fact that he, too, deals with the same longings all of us go through our everyday life---to be loved. His optimissm in life is rousing and stimulating and he has inpired me to be strong in mind, heart, and soul. With all that mentioned, I want to recognize this particular person for the time and effort putting reading my "insane" emails.

THANK YOU, ROD...for being this person. I now promote you from my "new friends list," to my "must keep friends list." Please know that I am here to opffer you the same type of kindness and understanding. I really really appreciate it.

Bon Voyage, Jang! Until we meet again!

One of my three bestfriend Jang left this morning and journeyed back to the Philippines but we promised we would keep in touch this time. I was at the airport until 11:30 pm and she boarded her flight at 11:40 pm. It felt sensational during the past few days being able to spend the last three days of her stay here in Los Angeles. I was not enough for us to actually retrospect all the updates and experiences we savored and accumulated all the years but it was acceptably adequate for us to create a new bond of friendship, more robust and sturdy than ever.

It always hurts to say good bye. Jang's mom cried and I heard Jang apologized to her for whatever hurtful situation they engaged in. Tita Leah started shedding tears and I was trying to held up mines. At the airport, I succeeded not to cry but one the way home, I began to have tears fell from my eyes. It's the thought that I am once again far from a friend. First, it was Maff living all the way in Las Vegas and now, Jang, back to PI. These are the ones I consider my bestfriends. And it's proportionally difficult for me to live each day without them in my life physically, but it's rather more painful and immensely difficult because I do not communicate with them as often as normal bestfriends would. It's like having a long distance love affair. There's always the social challenge to keep your friendship intact, growing, but also firm and solid.

But the Lord led me back to my friends, I do not see any reason why he would keep me away from them again at least, emotionally and mentally. He had a purpose for me and Jang to generate new memories and reestablish a once lost frienship. Now, with these afresh pact, we can revive and relive the experience of having a genuine and sincere friendship.

I am one of the fortunate ones who have these opportunities. And I feel blessed.

Jang, I have no idea when you'll be able to read this, but THANK YOU for entering my life again. Then and now, I will still be here for you no matter what. I am so glad to have a buddy, a listener, a partner in crime, a BESTFRIEND in my life again. Let's make this one a life tiem membership.

Until we meet again, please know and never doubt that "I got your back," the same I had your back in the old days.

Tuesday, May 08, 2001

For once, I believed in DESTINY
I mentioned couple days ago about "unexpected oppurtunities." Yesterday, I had an "unexpected opportunity with an unexpected friend." For the first time in eight or nine years, I finally saw Janice again,my old bestfriend from junior high school.

For all of you who doesn't know, I joined a gang when I was 13 years old and the person who knew me was as a gangster and was also one, was Janice. We were bestfriends in junior high. Jang is one of the few bestfriends I had growing up. She is one of the three BESTFRIENDS I had in my entire life. And up to this day, I still put her on that prestigious list of friends.

You might be wondering how we saw each other. Well, eight years ago, Janice or Jang and I were involved with one of the biggest Asian gangs here in LA. We were friends for a long time but it was one of those things that we felt like exploring so we were initiated to get into a gang. I am sure we all know how gangs are...violence and shooting and trouble, drinking, smoking...you name it. But for us, it was a sense of belonging and at that time, rebellion. But to cut the story short, Jang was sent home to the Philippines because fo that same gang and we parted ways. I also moved to another school. We kept in touch through letters and phonecalls throughout the years but for some strange reason we lost touch.

I know Janice knew my address. But our house burned down two years ago and we had to relocate for the construction of our new house. Unaware, I found out that Janice was going in and out of the United States for vacation mainly last year and this year. And every time she would come here, she would look for me and search for me but no address were showing or my telephone numbers are unlisted upon my request also. Recently, I just went to the Philippines for vacation and all the time I was there, I was searching for her. I looked everywhere there but we couldn't find her number. Unfortunately, the number that she gave me was disconnected. I felt hopeless. I thought I lost her forever. And it's funny, she felt the same way.

Rossini, a close friend of Janice and I, also our former classmate from junior high, works as a medical assistant at some clinic here in LA. Coincidently, Janice and her mother was referred to that same clinic because Jang needed a physical examination. I don't know how it exactly went but Janice noticed Rossini first and right then and there, Janice asked for my number. But Rossini lost my number. The only contact she have of me is my email which she knows I rarely check. But she took chances anyway of emailing just in case....because Jang is leaving in four days. Rossini figured WE NEED to see each other even just once before she leaves.

Strange thing is, as soon as I got home yesterday from school, there was this urge for me to check my email. So I did and I got hold of Rossini's email with Jang's mom's phone number. I was so excited I took the number down and called Rossini right away. And I got hold of her and we talked and she updated me with stuff about Janice.

The excitement is killing me. I wanted to talk to Janice already! There was this thrill. Immediately after I was able to talk to Jang, I took her address down. I hung up the phoen and headed to her place with Steve. We were looking for the place but we can't find it. We ended up going to Rosini's pad and I saw Eric there, too, another, one of the many people I went to elementary with back in Philippines. Woa, what a small world! Luckily, Jang was still on the phone Sini and so I asked her where the address was and confirmed it again.

So anyway....WE SAW EACH OTHER!!!!!! again after eight long years. My gosh, you can't imagine how glad I was to see her. It's that urge, all that seeking for each other, the painstaking searching...it's such a relief! I can't even explain it. Maybe our first hug explained it all. The long, almost teary, tight, and squeezable hug....the hug we used to bid each other good bye every time we part ways on the everyday basis when we use to hang out then.

We had our endless conversation...the updates... carreerwise, she is a senior business management major; lovelifewise, she's happily taken. Imagine both of us, the used to be loced out, ghetto gangster girls,now grew up to be successful young ladies or independent women in our respected areas. I feel like the conversation was not even enough to replace all the years we missed each other. She only have three more days left to stay here. I was asking her to extend her stay but she said she needs to go home because it's enrollment there. I promised her I will go home to the Philippines maybe this December or next March. I will see her again tonight. I am so excited. I am still excited to see her and just reminisce and enjoy the few days she has left to stay. I can't wait for more chitchats!

My Lord works in miracles I can't explain. My friendship with Janice and Rossini and the long wait for us to see each other was just one of the many "unexpected things" He has planned for me. With Glenn's loss, In return, I gained a stronger and maturer, and newly rebuilt friendship with Janice that will last us for a lifetime. I really do not believe in destiny...but with what just happened...with the reunited friendship I had with Jang, for once, I really thought destiny played a huge part for us to see each other again because of all the circumstances we have been.

Jang's mom said this when I was talking to her last night, "The Lord destined you guys to see each other again." And I smiled...and silently uttered, " I believed so."

I truly cherish my friendships with people.It's one thing that I really take care of and treasure. But it has to be reciprocally given. I think all of the three old friends that looked for me and thought I was special, proves that. It tells me I must really be a good friend to them for them to look for me and search for me. The three bestfriends I had in my life rebuilt their friendships with me this month and last month. One, with Maff with my trip to Vegas in Spring Break, second, Marie, searching me all over 411 just to be friends again, and then last, Janice who will be 5000 miles away from me in 3 days and yet, we manage to keep our friendships alive and strong. These are what I call TRUE FRIENDSHIPS....being able to survive all the odds and storms in our llives alone or together and yet, we still enjoy the rainbow and look back at the mementos life has given us.

SPIRITUAL ACKNOWLEDGEMENT: Thank you, Lord, for giving me Maff, Marie and now, finally, Janice...my three BESTFRIENDS.

Sunday, May 06, 2001

Oh yeah, I wrote Glenn a letter tellign him EXACTLY what I feel. He shoudl get it in three days. I figured, I can't hide all the anguish within me. He has to knwo what I feel...the pain, the hurt, the sorrow, the emotional, mental distress. But I also told him, I had no regrets loving himand thanked him dearly for the wonderful memories someday I will be able to look back on and reminisce. It made me feel better. It's like taking a needle out my chest. But one more thing, I still miss him. Waa....when will this end!?

Unexpected...

It's strange where I find my musings. It can be from ads I see along the road, or my daily life routine, or from what someone said. Today was quite odd. I got it from church.

Well, okay, I was not particularly psych about anything for church. It's just my sunday routine to go to church and nourish my spiritual self of being. It helps me to make life decisions and deal with my life's complicatedness. At first, it was just a normal routine until I heard the sermon.

Pastor Canias uttered a situation he encountered this week. I sat there and listened eagerly. First, he said, last Thursday when he arrived at the church office around 10 am, Debbie, our parish worker secretary, was crying. Pastor asked her if she was okay and she kept assuring the pastor she is fine. Pastor kept bugging if Debbie wants to talk about the reason why she was crying and she said no and reaffirmed she was fine. So, okay, pastor figured she wanted to be left alone so he headed to his office. Five minutes after, he called Debbie through the phone, and asked if she was sure she was okay. And Debbie, once again said, she was okay. Five minutes after, pastor called Jen, the social worker at church, and asked if Debbie was okay and Jen said, she was fine and Pastor need not to worry about her. Another ten minutes passed, Pastor asked Debbie again, and once again, she declined any answer. For whatever reason Debbie was crying, Pastor was really concerned so to make her feel better, Pastor Canias offered to that he will buy lunch for everybody and that all the church staff will eat lunch together at the staff lounge. Everybody agreed.

So at lunch time, Pastor got the food for the entire chuch staff and gathered all the staff together. They ate, laughed, told stories, bagged on each other, exchanged jokes and all that. Within that moment they were they, Pastor Canias talked about a certain situation he is dealing with right now. There's a little girl who Pastor works with who is sufferring from a heart problem who was flew in from El Salvador for medical operation. Previously, if she didn't have this necessary surgery, she will be dead within a month. So with the help of the community, Pastor was able to raise funds for this girl and after nine surgeries, she is well and have a chance to live for more years, only God knows how long. why did he tell this story to Debbie? So she can have hope with whatever problem she is dealing with. After the lunch, staff was rejuvenated and acknowledge pastor for a wonderful lunch and requested that they shoudl do that again soon. At the end of their shifts later that afternoon, Debbie came back to pastor and thanked him for a wonderful lunch. Pastor felt good for whatevr he did.

The next day, Debbie went to Pastor Canias again and told Pastor Canias how grateful she was for the get together lunch the day before that. Pastor felt as if he did something right. But he was still wondering what was wrong with Debbie, whay was she crying last Thursday.

So finally, pastor asked Debbie, "So how is she...or he,...your relative, your friend...how is she doing?"
Debbie answered, " What relative, friend?"
Pastor again, "You know, yesterday, why were you feeling bad, why were you crying?"
Debbie replied, "Oh, yesterday, well, it was about my PET, my rabbit. She's sick and veterinarian said she's old and she might die.And I felt bad so I cried."

Jennifer, on the other table, started loughing her butt off. And Pastor Canias smiled. He thought of all that lunch...the persuasion he did the day before that for Debbie to tlaked about what was bothering her and for heaven's sake, it was because of a pet! A Pet! But then he continued on, perhaps, Debbie do not have anyone here and the closest love she clings onto is her pet. To her, her pet was her lovedone and she's treating that same pet with the love we give our loved ones who are human beings.

All that wondering if Debbie was okay, the continous bugging if there's anything wrong with Debbie, the consistent phonecalls, the concern, the staff lunch that Pastor Canias arranged, all tha hassls he went to going out of his way to buy everyone their lunch...BUT in return, he gained new understanding, a rekindled bonding between him and his staff, a new start ...a friendship...a connection...a new trust from Debbie..the openness...above all, the good feelign of helping not only Debbie to feel better but also the staff. And all becaus eof Debbie's pet who was sick and dying.

The title of the sermon was, " UNEXPECTED OPPORTUNITIES."

Then he added, " There are a lot of unexpected opportunities waiting. It's just around us...it may be the biggest things or it can also be the smallest things. I am only human. I am only one. I cannot do everything by myself. But I can do something. And I refuse to not do that something I can contribute. Look around and you'll never know, you'll find your unexpected opportunities."

Ah...with all that said, I am enlightened. I am now ready to face another week of stress.

Saturday, May 05, 2001

For Broken Hearts Only...

Just one name: GLENN...Yep, get out of my head!!!

A HOLE IN MY SOUL
Long Razor, Sharp claws,
Dug deep into my flesh,
Wrapping around my heart
Like a cold covering the sun.
One quick jerk forward,
Unbearable pain,
Instant emptiness.
A large hole in my soul
which promises to heal
buti know...
Without my heart,
it never will.

A Remembrance of You.
I'm here by myself
Memories reel through my head
you walked away
Never looking back

The memories of you stay here
I die a little more
Everytime I think of you
the memories ache inside me

I'm not the first to go through this because of you
I thought I was different
even though you warned me so

Just like the sun, it felt good
to be with you...
When the blisters form
I realize I got burned

To be a part of your love parade
your never-ending stream
You master every face to use
to win in this charade

I close my eyes to lose the world
For a moment, shy can't everything be still?
It seems my heart was here before you
to be consumed
til you had your fill

ANSWERS I COULDN'T FIND
As the sunbeam covers my face
I try to leave everything behind
But darkness finds the pleasure to chase
My eyes and make me blind

So hard to try to figure it out
Understand what's going on
It urges me to shout out loud
While the last ray of light is gone

I knew it was never to be right
But I was brave enough to dream
I also had the courage to fight
But I didn't have the voice to scream

It makes me feel like "Don Qui Chotte"
Fighting an illusive windmill
When nothing that I have got
Could keep the time still

As the sunbeam covers my face
I didn't leave anything behind
Just was a losing case
And answers I couldn't find…

Reliving my friendship with Marie

I woke up so late today because of the fact that I was awake all night and morning long. And then, barely washing my face and brushing my teeth, the phone rang. I answered and the lady in the other line was asking for me. There was a distinct familiarity from her voice but it's not like I talked to this person a lot recently. So finally, I asked who she was. And she said, "Marie Pascual."

So okay, rewind...I will take you back in time. First day in junior high and a recent immigrant from the Philippines, I went to John Burrough's Junior High School here in Los Angeles (For all of you that don't know, JB Junior high is the school you see from television shows like Family Matters with Urkel, and Boy Meets World...etc.) and all I recall was that I was in a PE class and there's this chinese looking girl in class. It was August or September and it was one of thme hot summer days and we were having PE in the field. So sitting right next to each other, we both blurted,."Man, it's hot in here..." And then she asked me if I was filipino and I responded, "Yes." And this Chinese looking female just said she is filipino, too and that she just came form the pHilippines after going in and out of the Philippines, she's migrating here for good. And she went on with her stories..... on and on. That was Marie back then.

In short, we became very good friends. She is probably one of the many bestfriends I had. But I had to move to Glendale and go to another school that I had to leave her. But I managed to keep in touch with her even when we lived kind of apart from each other. She was the witness to my first boyfriend and my first kiss--Relly. And I hooked her up with Relly's bestfriend, Jordan. Well, none of those relationships worked and we both ventured out into dating and liking different guys, She knew about Ziggy and Jay. She was there when I got into a gang--Jefrox. She was one of those people who saw my scars fromthe initiation. She saw how bad I was and how I was sooo stupid back then. She was always my conscience and she was miss-goody-too-shoes.

And when I moved back to LA High School, she was going to Fairfax High on the world famous fashion street Melrose Avenue. Over the years, we staggered to see each other. I was working at this retail store at the mall, and she would pass by there to see me. I remembered she was dating a white guy. I barely met Glenn then. I never told her about Glenn. We just lost touch and we would see each othe ronce in a blue moon. So, on and off, we would get by just having petty talks and decent "hellos," what's ups," and all that. But none more than that. I graduated as a vocational nurse and went back to school as a registered nurse and having Glenn as the love of my life, I never heard from Marie again.

Until today.

She was still the same. The same Marie who talked to me about her entire life and updating me with all the escapades I missed for the past ahmm...six or seven years. She refreshed me with the new stories about her Jerome, her husband who is half filipino and half black, how they just got married a month ago after one year and a half dating, how her brothers Rino is now a senior in high school and RJ is in college majoring in Architecture, and Matthew is 6 ( he was a baby when I met him), how her parents are stilll the same, how she stopped hanging around with her friends like Gladys and Amina and everything else rolled into one. I also did my share of updates witm my brother beign in college and a nursing major, my older sis having her own family, and little sis Noreene is a seniro in HS, too and LA, our baby brother is in junior high. And mom and dad, and Glenn whom I gave my heart for four years finding out inthe end that he got someone pregnant...Whoa! And all these new tattles and tidings occurred in one hour of conversation.

We arranged to see each other the first week of June, to catch up with the old times, and relive our memories as teenagers. Marie made me realize how gooda friend I was. Otherwise, why would she even call 411(information), bugging the operator if they had listing of telephone numbers in my name,or my dad's name, or my mom's name...or any of my family's name! Even though, six or seven years passed, I can see there's this longing to be friends again just liek we were when we were merely in our puberties.

Ah...Thanks Marie. I'll see you soon.

Waaa......I miss Gurenn.
This insomia is killing me. I even cleaned my room and laundried my clothes...yes at 2 in the morning and I can't sleep!

Friday, May 04, 2001

Awww.....Maff responded to my email....and said...

" can't tell enough how I really appreciate
you listening to my problems. Thanks a
million! Take care and if you need me I'm
here for you too. "
- Love, Maffi

Thursday, May 03, 2001

I AM SOMEONE

Note from PINAYFREESTYLE
Upon my bestfriend Maff's request, I am not goign to include her "escapades" on this entires for personal reasons which I totally understand. But I just wanted to let her know that though it seems that life gets harder each day and I am aware how it's beating her up, despite of all of these, SHE IS SOMEONE I greatly admired and appreciated. So Maff, whatever you are going through, I am just one step behind you, ready to catch you when you fall. This ones for you. Whatever anybody says, in my heart, un my mind, in my everyday life, you are someone who stood up for me and with me...and for me, YOU ARE SOMEONE, please don't think otherwise.

I Am Someone

I am someone
I walked past a dead face
even though the person was alive
I saw my eyes in the mirror
and cried at the sight
I looked at a person I didn¹t know
and I met a friend
I got heads to turn
when I walked past
I learned a lot about myself
when I lost a new friend
I cried every tear in my body
when I thought about love
I got hit bad
then got back in the ring
I climbed a mountain of rocks
and saw an eagle fly over- head
I heard terrible things about myself
when no one thought I was listening
I realized I was strong
when I didn¹t cry when it hurt
I found out who I was
when I was with someone else
I thought I was lost forever
when a friend found me
I held a life in my hand
and it was my own
I was a pawn in someone else's game
so I surrendered to a brook
I walked the fine line between surviving
and not wanting to survive
All of these...
And more...
I'm standing...
I still am
I am someone