Gangster's Paradise

I wanted to scribble a long story about my old gangster life but harsh memoirs begun to approach my head and it started bringing twinge in my heart. Why did I engage to this thinking again? I have been chatting with this one guy onthe asian chat for some time now but I think I never mentioned his name (it's Ron, short for Ronald). And he used to be a hardcore gangster like me. I don't want to brag about my ugly past. But I don't ever regret joining it because it made me what I am today. Talking to Ron, I realized, I was not the only who felt this way. So I am not writing about this matter to justify my actions when I was young. I suffered the consequences and I am still experiencing some of its horrendous effects now. But I am talking about this for the reason that I want to let it out, to speak out and let it go....completely.

I never met Ron. In fact, all we have are our phone conversations. I have been talkign to him on and off consistently for two months now. We always reminisce about the thugged out life we engaged in. He asked me why I joined. For a minute, I refrained from responding. Then I uttered I needed some form of escape to my very "traditional and clean" lifestyle, to seek the thrill of being in the edge of death, but mainly because of peer pressure and belonging. Then I added, I do not regret it. I gained wonderful friendships and earned sense of strength and esteem. But if there was one thing I particularly hindered against this ghetto life, it was "fighting for a name." I had to hate someone because he or she is labeled under a name that my gang was against of. Lives of my friends and mines, too were on the line just because of this stupid name.

But these are the stories I never told. The circumstances I managed to keep unsaid over a very long of time. I think, now is as good as a time as any to tell you about my "friends."

Khristine, a home girl of mine, was gang raped by our rival gang until she lost conscience. She left and I never heard from her again.

"Dopey" was out one Friday night and unfortuanely hanging around the "wrong neighborhood". Our rival gang trailed him and "kidnapped" him and kept him in their gang quarters. Not only did they crossed out the tattoed gang name on his back with a tattoed off their gangs name, they also cigarrette burned his penis and tattoed it in with their gangs name. They sent us polaroid pictures of it. It was hard enough that I heard about it, but for me to look at the gruesome images, it almost made me puke. This particular rival gang then sent a threat that any female from our gang better be on check because one of us is next for a gang rape.

It was a diificult time for me. Janice's mom found out abou our well kept life outside school due to soem squealing of some people and my only bestfriend in the world, was sent home.

Then there was another Christine. All I remembered form this incident was while in the car, "Mousy" kept yelling "Dock down! dock!" There was a rival gang shooting at the vehicle we were riding. There were two onf my homeboys in front and then it was (from L to R) Paul, Christine, me, and then Mousy. Christine docked and was shot in the brain. The blood flowed freely on my left. My friend was dead. She is gone.

I was barely getting over the fact that she was gone, then Jimmy came. Jimmy was probably one of the many "Jefrox" homeboys I bonded. I remembered him as funny, wacky, intelligent and well grounded. He had a huge argument with his father that he ran away from his parents and lived with the head of our gang. I was with him one night and we parted ways as usual, with the Jefros good bye signs and all that ...huggie here and there. And then he told me to better go to school the next day or else, he will tell the head and we get punished for "ditching" school. He would always joke around like that. But at times, he would tell me stories of him and his father, how they are so close and yet, they start to don't get along because of petty things. I bid them bye just like any normal night. But the morning after, Los Angeles Police Department came to my school and summoned me to the counselor's office and asked if I knew a guy named Jimmy. I answered yes. I don't what happened exactly because I think I wholly blanked out and all I understood was he was gun downed execution style mignight during the night we parted ways with our friends. I rushed to the hospital and there, I saw my "homies" crying. Inside the hospital room, there was Jimmy's dad hysterically punching the wall and sobbing. I cried my self.

That was four special people to me down and more to go. Some in jail, some injured, some were shot but recovered, some raped, some left.

I couldn't take it anymore...dealing with more deaths, losing more friends.

I left.

I moved to another school where i can start all over again and to another city where I am away from the chaos. And I left these stories untold to anyone. Perhaps, I could have mentioned this to Maff or Glenn but to the rest, it was untold. I just started telling the story again when Ron asked me.

These are the stories. This is a part of me that you will hear now and forever be closed. Judge me, tell me what I did wrong, remind me I am stupid...say whatever you want. I am relating this story for myt friends' sake...to tell their stories and let go of that pain I had for a long time. Why did I thought of revealing this now? to set free all the anguish and the sorrow I have left and also to justify my lost friends.

I will never be what I am now...I will never reach all the accomplishments now...if not for the not so fortunate circumstances I engaged in. All tha strength now, the courage, the bravery, the failures and the successes, was because of the brutal environment that severly exposed me to blaring reality of life and death.

I was 13 years old and ninth grade in junior high school when I first joined JEFROX gang. I was with them until I was 17 ....or 18. I forgot.

Nine years passed.

So for the last time, I will claim it again, for my friend's souls who are resting in peace and for those, like me, have started a new life.

This is LADY JUSTIZZE. Down for the Maplewood side, Los Angeles JEFROX gang.

I'm out.

posted by pinay freestyle @ 7:56 PM

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