+++ MY SILENT REVERIES +++

Friday, August 31, 2001

my emotions are just too much. i have decidedto stay here in northern cali for good.it'seating meup.i have been crying for days....but i will be okay. i'll talk about this later.....my mind is quite confuse right now. but forallofyou who wants to know,yes, i am staying here for good. i'mquite lonely. but i have to do this.

Thursday, August 30, 2001

life's quests and questions

my life depends on decisions i have to make now. every single thing aboutmyliferightnoware hanging on my finger like a thread with a big bomb on the end. i was able to submit my applications to the nursing program here in stockton but i will not be able to enter their nursing program not until spring semester.now, here's the problem. the classes i had in L A arealso available here.i talked to my mother this morning and she sounded irritated. i told her, i really do not care what school will i have to go to ...whether it's here in stockton or back in los angeles.i had a serious chat with auntie vicky today. and she suggested that my mom and i need time off.

i don't know. i'm here in modesto right now. and i am so confused right now. part of me wants to stay here. part of me wantsto go back beacuse i miss ron.

Tuesday, August 28, 2001

my venture and sacrifices to achieve my dreams...is it worthied? am i ready?

i'm leaving southern cali ( los angeles) to go to northern california ( modesto/stockton). i have yet to conclude if i am leaving for good. for weeks, i have been debating with the nursing school i am in right now. i mean, i am done with all my prereqs but for some weird reason, they keep putting me on the waiting list. i am one year away from being a full pledge registered nurse but all the other schools i inquired in, kept saying that i have to wait one or two more semester in order for me to be in it or, the rest have impacted nursing majors. and it's irritating me. i mean, no matter how much i work hard to have my goals straight, they are the ruining it for me. the time and the space and all.

so now, here's the deal. my auntie has connections at a local college up north that i have a 95 percent chance of getting in. i am not goign to let my future pass me by. i mean, at this point of time, i am grabbing all the chances i can get to be done in that one year time. gosh. i am so confused. i am leaving everyone here in los angeles and i am starting out a new there. auntie vicky was talking about how she will renovate the other room just so it will be my room and that i might be staying there for a long time. my little brother asked if he can have my room and all that. am i ready? i mean, nothing is for sure yet. i am set to leave on thursday and then from there, i will pursue my dreams.

in order for me to get my dreams settled, i have to...leave everything here....and EVERYONE including ron.i just talked to ron about this briefly. i mean, we have not entirely discuss this issue. but he mentioned he can't prevent me from setting my goals. he can't hinder me to be anything i want to be. he said i have to do what i have to do. and it's not like he is leaving me for good. and plus, he was not leaving me. he even blurted, " i guess, i do need to get you your cell phoen so i can keep you on track." awww.

he is too good to be true. he supports me in everything i do and i motivate him to be the best. it will be difficutl to leave los angeles if ever. but oif there's one thing for sure, i want to keep ron in my life. i want him to be a part of me. because right now, he is the wind beneath my wings...pushing me to fly. i am glad he understands. i feel bad about leaving because i will miss him. ahh...but we'll see.

Saturday, August 25, 2001

i argued with ron about something so stupid....and i am hating myself for it. i mean, why is it when you care for someone so much, small things become big things. and we freekin' argue about things that are nonsense from our past. so anywayz, i hung up on him. and now, i am crossing my fingers and i'm freekin' hoping for him to call and apologize. what's the deal with this thing called, "pride?" R is busting out with this pride thing and i am doing the same. why don't we just give inand freekin' swallow the pride? rrrr. i'm irritated. i am gettign so impatient. rrr. i think i would give in soon because i can't sleep without telling him good night and without hearing him say he missed me and he loved me. wahhh. i hate.

i contemplate....

it's 3 am. and the thought of sleep is not invading my mind. i was talking to ron ( R ) earlier and he was so sleepy. i suggested that i should hang up and he should get some sleep and all he kept saying, " please, don't hang up on me until i am sleeping." and he mumbled some other phrases but the only part of it i understood was, " hey...len...i love you." and then he slept on me.

i wrote him a love letter the other day while i was at work. i told him how much i felt the same way but the thought of love is scaring me. but i did assure him that if he wanted to know what i felt for him, i did felt the same for him and i loved him the same way. but we have things ot attend on right now. and we must wait for the perfect time for us to be together. for the mean time, we are each other's backbones. and we are getting closer, we are discovering more about each other , and our emotions are getting intense and stronger as each day approaches.

i cried to him today. i couldn't explain what my feelings are for him. there are no sufficient words. i encountered the same attachment to my exes in the past. but i never felt his sincerity. i am not used to being pampered. no one in my pasts have ever asked " what is your symptoms right now?" and suggested, " drink your hot tea," "make sure you eat," "don't work too much." i was never used being "babied." i am always the one doing the babying.

and his amazingness is putting me on this awkward awe because i do not exactly know how to react. he knows that i care for him deeply. and i would do anything and give up everything for him just as long as he is happy. his concern for me placed me in a comfort zone i have never been before. once, i hoped for peacefulness and with ron, i feel that peace. i mean, that security that i know FOR SURE that he will take very good care of me.

but more has yet to come between me and ron. and there will be tough times and not so happy moments, but the important thing is we are sharing the load together. ron is giving me this capability to believe in myself and to be stronger especially through the tough times. and i, on the other hand, gives him motivation. together, we compliment each other. together, we comply with each other's needs. together, we work with each other strengths and weaknesses. yes, we do argue and disagree, but together, we manage to patch up and recognize our differences. after all, these are the qualities that sets both of us apart from each other.

ron knows i care for him and how he makes me happy. it's just he has no clue how much he mean to me and how much he adds brightness to my days. if it was up to me, i would not want this sparkles to cease. someday, i will give him access to this blog. maybe then during those times, he will know why my smiles are different now a days...it is because he made me smile this way.

i think i was on my home from school last week when i heard this song superman by five for fighting. i think i really liked the lyrics the best because one of its phrase caught my attention. it stated, "it's not easy to be me." but anyway, i am posting the entire lyrics in here.

Superman
Performed by Five For Fighting

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
I'm just out to find
The better part of me

I'm more than a bird...I'm more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It's not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I'll never see

It may sound absurd...but don't be nieve
Even Heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but won't you concede
Even Heroes have the right to dream
It's not easy to be me

Up, up and away...away from me
It's all right...You can all sleep sound tonight
I'm not crazy...or anything...

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
Men weren't meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I'm only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me

It's not easy to be me.

Thursday, August 23, 2001

my asthma is killing me!!!! rrr. first, it was a cough, and the a fever, then yestreday, i had the phlegm and all. yuk. i had to take the inhaler again.

Wednesday, August 22, 2001

bmother's love

my relationship with my mother is a like a roller coaster. at one moment, we are getting along really fine, i would tell her everything, and she would do the same....and then at the peak of it all, we will get on each other's nerve and we would exchange harshly said words to each other and eventually hurt each other. we would both cry and not talk for days. then after every words and drama sinks in and drains out, we start talking again as if nothing happened and we would go on our normal daily lives.

that was the case today....AGAIN! first, mama grew impatient because she kept telling i have no plans for my life and that i wait until the last minute to strive for my goals. and i would defend that my goals doesn't depend solely on me. i did what was required for me to do and it was up to the school to accept me or not. anywayz, the argument went on and on. she said i never gave her my grades and that what if i was lying to her that i have been getting grades. so what i did was, i went online and got my grades from my school online and obtained the grades right away and printed it out and gave it to her. she saw that i am a dean's scholarship awardee, i have a 4.0 average and i am excelling at all my educational endeavors. and then she shuts up and sarcastically comments, " i would keep this for my records."

i don't know. a lot of people said my parents especially my mother, has done a very good job at raising me to be the adult i am now. well, my mommy and my papa are the complete opposite. while popeye( my dad) is lenient and cool, my mama is strict and always checking up on me. together, they share the success of my upbringing. mom thinks i am so much like dad, so carefree and generous. my siblings said, i am strict to them like mom.

last night, kuya salde ( my cousins from new york) told me i shoudl be thankful she is my mom. i am. i think i am very fortunate that my mother worked so hard to give me and my siblings the best things in life. it's just sometimes, she can't wait. i mean, she's growing so impatient at things in life when these things require a lot of waiting and she needs to be patient. whatever i am doing with my life right now, it is for her, my dad, my siblings, and my kins. i am what i am now because of her and papa. and i do what i do now to be able to give them the same love and care they gave and showed to me.

all these things i am gong through with my mom are the inspiration why i want so much to succeed in life. i learned from papa the importance of generosity, kindness, and time. while mother taught me the lessons of hard work, discipline, and determination. my mother taught me that nothing comes in life easy. that i have to work diligently ,industriously, and consistently for it. she engraved in me the faith in the Lord and the ideals that if i worked for my goals and gave it my best, the Lord will take care of the rest. she instilled in me that i don't have to be the best instead, i just have to TRY my very best.

is this mother's love? or is it mother's tough love?

there are things i do not completely understand about my mother's qualities. R said he wants to thank my mother for doing a very good job parenting me because i am wonderful as a person. i don't see myself in that way yet. but for some very odd reason, i want to be almost like my mother when i become a mom someday. like her, i would be strict, focus, and strong for my children. like my dad, i would be generous, loving, and kind. but i think i would contribute my unique characteristics to my kids someday. and my mother will always be that one unique person who inspires me to simply be ME and try my very best. besides, i owe it all to her...my qualities, my features, my life.

Tuesday, August 21, 2001

R....i can't sleep. my brain is getting paranoid thinking of you. rrr. i miss you.i just hope you are having a good night.

risks to take

for the first time, i opened up my concerns for R to someone close to me, to my cousin ate ral. at universal citywalk today, while we were having our sensible dinner in a very trendy spot within citywalk, we started talking about our lovelives. though, she has recently married and is now pregnant with their first child, she managed to understand my fear towards loving again. i told her the whole situation about glenn beign so selfish because he saw that i was learning how to love again, and how ron is giving me the whole world but i still have this immense fright of falling in love.

most of the people i have opened up to this, i got criticisms. well, i welcomed these comments. after all, it came from people who cares for me. for instance, my ex boyfriend ziggy said, "i fall too easily." and maffi gave her second demotion to that. she also said i should be careful and honest. ate ral said, "leave glenn's loser ass." and i agreed to all their comments. i understood their concern for me not to be played with again.

but on the opposite side, my point is, i think i have the right to be happy. i mean, yes, i have been hurt before. and yes, men played with my heart before and has broken my heart so many times. but how can i get rid of this pain, of this hatred and rage, and this doubts against the opposite sex if i don't take the risk. i took mane of these risks before. i failed to make it work for different personal resons. but should those falure at love attempts hinder me from "trying" to be happy again and from "trying" to search for my luck in love again? i will never know what is in stored for me unless i explore my options, right?

so that brings me to my situation with R. at thsi point of time in my life, i consider him special. i don't know how special yet. i just know he is. he is showing me things i never encountered in a man in my past. before, i am the one doing the pampering, all the swallowing the pride, all the worrying, all the caring for my past partners, but now, R is the one doign all these things for me. i'm just not used to being in this side of the circumstances. you know, when someone takes really good care of you genuinely and never expects anything in return?

ate ral asked me a very important question tonight. she asked me what i felt for glenn. and i quickly responded, " i feel pity." then i thought of R. i am sure i 'm not using him for my own benefit. i want to show him that i appreciate all the caring and concern he has shown me because he deserves it. i am just waiting for the proper time.

so tell me, am i really dreaming? am i still living an infatuation? or is he really too good to be true? will i stop my heart from falling for a man who needs me as much as i need him? or will i fight NOT to fall for him because i might regret this later? tell me, is this risk of "likng someone too much again" worth it? or should i let him go?

i think i need him...i need someone like him because he keeps me inspired. and i, in return, motivates him. but is that enough to keep us together? is that enough for us to bind? or should i let the fear take over me and turn my back on this now and don't even give this chance to love again flourish at all?

right now, i don't know. i just know that only R and i can judge and make and agree (or diagree) to this decision along with all the risks related with it. what will it be?

Monday, August 20, 2001

sitemeter says...

wow, according to the site meter, an average of 50 people checks out my blogs weekly, 15 of them were from today and 2 of them just checked it out this hour. i feel welcomed here! i knwo about 5 people who consistently checks out my blogs. i wonder who the other 15 people are? hey peeps, whoever you are, give me a holler! hehehe. but thank you for making this blogs special to me.

watched: disney's princess' diary at citywalk
rating: i liked =)
favorite line in the movie:
guy asked girl: why me? ( meaning, why do you like me, of all people?)
girl responded: "because you saw me when i was 'invisible.' "( meaning, when no one else noticed her.)

Saturday, August 18, 2001

filipino made

i was watching a united states based show on the filipino channel called "stateside." and today's show featured the newly crowned miss america 2001, ms. angela barroqio who is, surprisingly, a filipina and hailing from hawaii. in the show, the host asked the first filipino and first asian ms. america ever about how she felt about being filipino and being ms. america at the same time. and she kept telling the host that it is her great pleasure that she represents the filipino community and to make it known to the world that she is a filipina. she truly puts philippines on the map.

watching the show made me think of my heritage. i was born and partly raised in a small town north of the philippine islands. it is here where i developed my sense of self despite the fact that my mother was not around most of the time i was growing up. yet, my father managed to instill me the morals and the values of a filipino. in this homeland, i was placed in a catholic school learning the teachings of the bible, i was taught to respect my elders and other people around me, it imparted me deep love and caring for my family, it prepared me with knowledge and skills in math, science, english, history, and religion, enlightened with the unique traditions and customs of my fellow filipinos, moreover, it indoctrinate me to be the brilliant, helpful, genreous, and hospitable filipina that i am.

although i have since migrated here in the united states, i still embrace my dignity and celebrate the glory of being a filipino. my family still teach me the importance of being hospitable host to our visitor by feeding them too much food when the come over to my home to visit, my grandparents continue to exemplify to remain close and show great love for my family even the extended ones and this is evident everytime we have our annual family reunion. i have not forgotten to praise our Lord above who always keeps us in good guidance and showers us with bountiful blessings. i treasure the friends around me and i help them out as much as i can because this is one of the main qualities that my dad invested in me.

at school, i excelled with my educational endeavors. i compete, not only with the people whose ancestors hailed here in the united states, but also with my fellow asians and the rest of the other immigrants like me who went here in the u. s. to search for a greener pasture. i graduated on top of my classes from junior high school to college. and i have various of certificates and awards to prove that. at present, i hold a spot in my college's dean's scholarship awardee and i am now on the president list for having maintained a 4.0 average for the past semesters. i remain a role model to my other classmates and i help my fellow filipinos excel as well with the best of my ability. in addition to that, i have acquired leadership skills in organizations such as leadership class, multicultural club, student body, and also taking pride with my filipino~ness by putting up a filipino club in our local schools.

yet, my greatest achievement as a filipino is probably excelling to be the best human i can be in a melting pot country such as united states where people across the world are united. i learned to adjust to other people's traditions, beliefs, and custom and in return, i tell and show them the wonders of being a filipino. there were, are, and will still be people who still choose to be dominant and self centered and not care about anyone but their culture. i feel this egoism towards my pride, sometimes, but i also learn a great respect for others. i think, most filipinos are flexible. and i take huge compliment for that.

i have yet to prove a lot to them on what i am and who i am as a filipina american now. but so far, i think, i was able to add brightness and shine to my country being a filipina surviving and excelling in the land of opportunity and greener pasture. and i will continue on.

and like miss america 2001, i am darn proud to be filipino made!

rrrr. i'm getting irritated. ahh that's it. i'll leave my weblog like this. it's not bad for a rookie. i'm very new at these web design/graphics.

Friday, August 17, 2001

hello.....i've been working on my lay out since last night and i am getting pretty tired..it looks pretty cool.

mood: happy =)
thinking: i am liking him so much

and R said....

" I don't wanna lose you."

no one has ever said that to me before. i think men in my past never thought of that phrase not until after i was gone. it's odd to hear that i am needed. but it feels good to hear someone is telling me i "complete" them. i used to say the same words to glenn and he never cared a bit. now, exact same words are being said to me and i feels strangely wonderful. =)

my cousin geng and i were together yesterday. i told R i will be out with her to go to my aunt's house for dinner. i left early in the afternoon and i didn't get back until late night. i always get attracted to korean guys. i guess, i have always preferred chinky looking guys. it's just i never had any before, i always had the typical filipino looking men, if not half breed. well, my cousin geng has been "flirting" with one korean guy for the past three months or so. like me, she has now find korean guys attractive. and i kept telling her that at least i am going to have a korean man of my own soon through R. and she kept bugging me to find her one!!! LOL.

goign back to R, he mentioned that he kept waiting for me to call. i totally lost track of time talking to my cousins and aunts. plus, they were feeding us there as if we were hungry dogs who have not eaten for days. so when i got home last night, i called R immediately. he had just stepped in the house from work. he returned my call after 15 minutes and we talked until the wee hours of the morning today. he listened to me eagerly. and every time i asked if he was okay, he would always say, "i am just listening to your beautiful voice." he also mentioned that he has been looking forward to talk to me all day and he has been waiting for me to get home so we can talk.

aww. now i miss him even more. he is at work at the moment. i am cooking breakfast right now for the starving people in my house. after, i have to fill up some "important paperworks" which my future depends on and so i will be busy the whole day. i will call him tongiht

searching........

i adapted this from josh's site who mentioned came from a certain miss tish....

"It’s funny how we keep trying, despite knowing there’s no assurance of forever. We keep searching and wondering if there’s someone out there who might be searching…searching for us…"

"It’s funny how we keep looking forward to falling in love, no matter how many sleepless nights we’ve had, or how many tears we’ve shed, or how many times we’ve had our backs stabbed, our butts kicked and our hearts broken. We keep hoping to find someone to love, hoping to find someone who makes us complete, and hoping maybe, just maybe, to finally find ourselves again."

- Tish

Thursday, August 16, 2001

for my readers

i think real people with real problems fascinates readers. i am particularly inspired to write things because i want to let people experience what it is like to be "len." i am not a novelist, i am not a journalist,i am not a professionally trained writer, and i am not writing this stuff to get paid (although it woudl be nice to! be paid for doing you love....!!hahha )..i am just an ordinary individual with a passion to write and express myself, just so i can show the whole world how i am FOR REAL.

i am getting so consious of my writing. there are more and more people reading my blogs. yesterday, my friend rossini told me she looks forward to my blogs. HELLO NINI!!! and maff would always notice everytime i don't write things in here regularly.MISS YOU MAFF! even my friend eloisa from the philippines have been consistently reading my blogs.HOW ARE YOU, ELOI? at least, i am updating you with my life.

but i thank my readers dearly for sharing my life with me. before, i was skeptical about opening up an online journal. i still have an onhand diary which is handwritten with my thoughts but it's almost like what i write in here. it feels good to write about my personal life and my personal thoughts. yes, i expect to be judged and criticized...but regardless, my motive is to inspire. and if i am doing that to you, i really appreciate it. you guys are the reason why i find it genuine to wtrite....because you inspire me the same way i, hopefully, fascinate and inspire you.

from the bottom of my heart, my sincerest thanks to you. i promise i'd write more "intelligent" blogs and ramble less on "dumb" stuff.

"thanks"

i was awake early today because my little sister noreene will have her senior yearbook photo today and i needed to fix her hair. we were actually getting on each others nerves because first, she wanted it curly and she kept timing me when it taked dreadful hours to curl her hair you know. well, finally, we agreed to partically curl the fronts of her hair and then leave the back fly away since she has layers anyway. so with all that whining, complaining, and bitching she did, i was able to make her look good. hehehe.

yes, i swear i was getting irritated and so freekin' annoyed. in the first place, i was doing her a favor. she had no right whatsoever to bitch at me because i was the one who woke up up extra early today, i am the one doign her hair and putting all these time and effort. and i was not expecting in return but her to keep quiet and stop the whining.

finally, when it was done and over, noreene was satisfied with her hairstyle, she goes, " thank you so much, len. it looks good. i like it. thanks again. "

all the effort i put into it was worthied after all. i don't expect anything in return for anything i do for anyone. but for my little sister to at least appreciate the little things i do for her, i am very grateful because it makes me feel good inside without her knowing of course. i hope someday my siblings will realize that they mean so much to me that i will give up everything for them because i loved them dearly. a handy "thanks" is all need...but i don't expect it to be said...it's just nice to hear it.

mood: somewhat happy. just missing someone.
thinking: i'm so scared to fall in love, yet someone is easing up that fear.

"motivate"

i uttered something to R last night regarding fearing love that bothered him greatly. for the past 6 months i knew him, we have opened our lives to each other so much just the last three months. i discovered so much about him that i can almost see myself and my experiences when he tells me his life's story. like me, he is learning to get up on his own feet after a long time was on the ground. like me, he is exploring other life's options besides beign labeled as a "gangster." like me, this whole new LOVE thing is so brand new that it is scaring the hell out of him, too.

last night, we had one of our intimate conversation just because i mentioned to him that i have heard the lines," i care about you", "i love you", "i am NEVER leaving you"," i need you in my life", "i will NEVER messed up on you..." from my past relationships and i am scared that i am hearing from him again. i told him what difference does it makes when all those people in my pasts offered me the world and yet, all i was left were broken promises. that is why if he wants to be with me, he has to work a little harder, put more effort that he wants me in his life. i apologized to him why he had to live up with all the frustrations and the heartbreaks these fools left in me. but i also hoped that he is not saying all these words to me just to make me feel better because i have heard these utters so many times in my life. i am just thankful that he understands my situation.

i was busy cleaning up my room, then R called. i don't think he was drank. he said he thought of everything i said to him such as the fear to love again. i mentioned to him that if i go for him, and our relationship will not work, that is it for me....i will put off romance for a long time and concentrate on my goals. and then he said, "see that will never happen because i will never leave you. the only reason why i will leave you is when you push me away." jokingly, i said, there are three reasons why i would leave him, one, if he fucked up on me( have kids...too many women), two, when he does drugs , kicks it with his loser old homies who has nothing to do but messed up their lives, or three, if he turns gay on me =) hhaha LOL.

then i asked him, " why me?" there are so much girls in these world but of all people, why me? i am not as good looking as anyone else, i have a short temper, i complain and whine a lot, i have too many problems that i worry about, i get paranoid, i am not as intelligent as some peopel are, i have this tendency to be emotional and retarded at the same time, my past was a mess, i have low self esteem...now , WHY ME?

then all he said were things that no one has ever told me before.

"len, no one has motivated me as much as you have. no one can replace the happiness i have when i am with you. it's hard for me right now because the pressure is on me. i am trying to prove my mom and my brother and you that i am worth something. that you have to believe in me for me to get through this difficult time right now. i can't risk losing you in my life because i never encountered anyone as marvelous as you. there are probably one million men in this world who would want a lady like you because you got your life going on, you are a fighter, not a quitter, intelligent, loving not only to your family and friends, but also to me. i need someone like you in my life. i need you because i love you. i never " i love you" in my past relationships before, i put that on my father's grave. for me to say it to you, i mean it...because i feel it."

wacky as i am, i responded, " okay, have you been watching romantic movies again? because you sound so corny!?" hahaha. LOL. but only if he knew i was shedding tears while he was saying all these. for so long, i have long for someone to care for me. i have given so much in my past relationships that i didn't leave anything for myself. i risk everything i have when i love. and i'm afraid, i am liking him too much. do i need to hit the breaks? i don't know. neither did he knew, he is my strength right now. i told him, i need him because he makes me the fighter that i am. and that if everyone has shut its doors on him, i would still be there for him. i have proven that to people who have turned their lives on me and yet, when worse comes to worse, i was there for them. that just comes to show what a true friend i am...to everyone....even to my exes who have sabotaged my heart and yet, i remained very good friends with them. if i motivate him, it is because he inspires me. it's just a give and take thing.

i feel my heart getting the urge to love again. can he possibly be the answer to all my drearing heartaches? is my Lord giving him to me because my Lord thinks i need him? these questions are getting repetitive every time i encounter guys as good and marvelous as him. i need him as much as i need him. i never felt this way since ziggy. i want R to be in my life. i am just waiting for the right moment to tell him. f

or now, i am glad that i am able to motivate even just one person in this world. it inspires me to do more motivation to other people. it makes me think i am worthy as a person. that's all that matters in this world, that i was worth something to someone so when someday, when i'll look back on my life, i can say, " i was able to reach out."

Wednesday, August 15, 2001

i miss R. hmm....so much.

vacation time again!!!

i just had my organic chemistry final today. i think i A's that....heheh er...i hope i did. i read my notes but i tell yah, it's difficult.imagine a 100 questions exam with nothing but pure caluculations? i think some of the problems took me five to ten minutes to solve. and it requires a calculator , okay?! it took me almost three hours to finish it. not only was i mentally drained but my rear was hurting from sitting down for three hours with no break. thank goodness .... i'm relieved that it's over.

but i just got back form chinatown with friends. we ate so much. it was so much fun. we were laughign so hard my stomach still hurts. i don't know if my stomach is hurting because i was too full (or i drank too much tea? i tell yah, that tea, i think they had soemthing that thing...like a booster...red bull ....or something but that made me so hyperactive!!!) or was it because i laughed so much that my stomach muscles are overstretched. bottom line is, i had so much fun. and i went shopping again. hehehe

so now, hmm, i have two weeks to spare to "relax." i don't know what i have in mind yet. although, i did reserve next week for magic mountain with joy, sheila and them. so i am looking forward to that. i have to work on some paper works and documents. and plus, i need to "flirt" some more to R. hahahah. talk about boredom. i do have work...so it will probably take some of my time out. i also heard that my relatives in frisco are coming down here in los angeles. i miss them greatly.

i miss someone greatly.....i miss R. he just makes me laugh. ahh, but i don't want to expect too much. i just know he makes me happy. we'll go from there. hehhehe. i have a lot of flirting to spare....hahhaha.

okay....this blog is nonsense. the final exam took all the positively charged cells in my brains that i think i am blogging dumbly right now. LOL.

ciao. time to rest...and get my brain to think intelligently again.

Monday, August 13, 2001

bruiseless

(dedicated to someone very close to me. ate, this one's for you).

then there you are...now, a loving and a patient mother to your brilliant children, a great provider and a n intelligent grown woman who have passion for her profession...super woman, i may say, for tacklign all these responsibilties alone. i know you tried your best to be the best wife but it's not your fault why you can not have everything in life. obviously, there are many reasons. and you are not to be blame.

then i saw your bruises. red, purplish, almost dark colored bruises...all over your arm, perhaps, all over your body. i asked you several times,
"what's that?" and you would respond, " oh, richard was grabbing me. it's nothing." i see the bruises and the old scars... and i hurt. i am in pain vbecause you are special to me and he's hurting you...even more. i can't stand seeing you in this pain. i stared at your eyes as you continue to act dumb and defend "him." but you avoided my stares.

and you, richard, ahh, you are such an pathetic asshole. you uttered you can't be with her too long and yet , when your friends, your frat brothers, your co-workers would call, you would leave immediately and drink the night away with them. you complain you can't spend one hour of quality time with "her" and yet, ironically, you can spend hours beating up someone who is evidently weaker than you until she is helpless and filled with contusions. and when she begs you to stop, as coward as you are, you continue to not only fill her with more physical scars but emotional damage as well

what did she ever do to you? she has been wonderful to you. for twelve years, she has been faithful to you. she gave up the opportunity to live in america just for you. she worked endless hours here in the states, doing laborious hours of work just so you can finish college. she left her parents and siblings just so she can be with you. when she was pregnant, you cheate don her and she forgave you. she went through mental and emotional stress while she was pregnant. for nine months, she handled it on her own. she had her first baby and you were not there right her by her side even during her painstaking labor. now, she became the mother to your children, working 12 hours everyday and yet, provide enough time and caring for her family and yet, you never spare her a moment. with just little things, you lambasted and injured her inside and out. and yet, she remained tolerable to your beatings. she chose to keep quiet just so you can "look good" to the people around you. she disregarded her own pain, her sacrifices just for her family.

and the kids. there's that trauma in them. everytime, while you and her engaged into an argument or a fight, i see the innocent little boy hiding under the table...in the closet, or somewhere..anywhwere....just so he can't see you arguing. and the little girl, keeps crying...not knowing what to do. at such a young age, these children witnessed the unexplainable hatred, the battered mom, the cruelty from their dad. if only i can erase these memories of harshness in their eyes. it is emotionally and mentally damaging...especially that these children are tainted with colors of hate and seeing "hitting someone" seems "normal." this image will forever be marked in their minds...and i don't wnat that to happen. no, not to them. they have other things to worry about. they need to enjoy life, experience what it is like to be a kid...playing, ice cream, be loved...and taken care of but not violence. they do not need to witness the uproar of fury that you divert to their mother.

i read your letter today. word by word i read your letter. i read it twoce or even more. you mentioned you are finally leaving him. "YES." i said. seven years of torture has coem to an end. i am glad you are leaving his loser ass. it will be rough for the kids, as they adjust life without a father. it will be severely heavy on you as you carry the burden in fulfulling both roles of a mother and a father to them, supporting them financially, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. it will be extremely difficult for you to face each and every day being a single mom, and at the same time, being the provider, the explainer, the listener, the strength and the "light" and the "wall" of your home.

but nevertheless, i am so proud of you. it takes gigantic amount of guts to make this decision. for so many years, you were blind to his incapabilities as a partner and a father. you assumed he loved you that is why he was beating you. you blamed you deserved the scars because you weren't good enough as a mother and a wife to him and your children. you thought there was room for him to change because there were certain times he'd sayhe loved you. you said he loved you while the following days, he would pound and maul you to the floor, leaving you with black eyes and black scars... and he creates more deeper wound in your life. i am glad you finally had the courage and bravery to say, " this has got to stop. the torment is over. for my kids' sake."

it will not be easy along the way. but i will help you the most i can. i'll be here to help you no matter what, to let my little angels grow up in an environment that's healthy and loving and not with scars, bruises, and harm.

it is difficult to leave. but it's better for you to be alone and bruiseless rather than having him there and you are covered with bruises. i don't want to see that way. you are more than that. i admire you for the woman you are. just know, at all times, i am here for you and the children. who else will help out each other but us.?

i am here for you always. why wouldn't i be? i am your sister and i care for you deeply.

i'm too lazy to post. but here's another one of my entry from www.tearyeyes.diary-x.com

KARMA?

zig called me last night. once again, he talked about getting me back.
what is up with all these men who wants another chance when in the first place they had me once? they were given the chance to take care of me once and i, to take care of them. but what did they do? they continue to cheat and hurt me, and mess me over and over again. and the torture after that was even worse. why does it take for them to lose me to realize i was the one they wanted all along? why does it take another third individual for them to see i was the one for them?

before, i used to think it was my loss. that there was something wrong with me and therefore, they didn't love me. i lost my self esteem and i am barely tryitn to regain it back. and now they tell me they want me?

sorry zig. getting out of that relationship with you was never my loss. all long, it was your loss. now, suffer the same consequences.

what's that called?

i think it's called "karma." now, deal with it.

Sunday, August 12, 2001

fear love?

my previous entries dealt with my immense fear to love again. i was browsing through some web pages and the question of the day was: do you fear love? and i immediately answered, "YES."

and then the next qoute said this.......

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." I John 1:18

for the first time, R told me he loved me. i didn't answer because everything is still to fresh. i responded i missed him. rrr. here is is this LOVE thing again. i'm very bad at it. i like him. but is taht enough to make him stay? liek the rest of the times, i went through this ordeal, is he worth it? what makes him different from the guys who fucked me up? i have too many doubts but i am also glad that he is taking food care of me.

Friday, August 10, 2001

" i still LOVE you..."

after three weeks of not talking to glenn, he caught me at home last night. he blurted, " what's up stranger?" he always says that every time i have not communicated with him for a long time. previously, i talked to him about F and ron...how life has been smoothly flowing for me and how i am recently dating again and liking "other people beside him" again.

the entire time, he kept asking how i was and how everything was doing. and i said i have been juggling through busy schedule and seeking time for my social life as well but as usual, the demand of my life's priorities such as school, work, and family and "searching for that someone special" (who i think i found by the way...) are takign up 99 percent of my time. and he said, he, too, is working 12 hour shifts lately and working 6 days a week. i said that he is divertign his time productively through work. besides, he will be a father soon ( the girl he got pregnant from the philippines is due on october) and he needs sufficient enough cash to support himself, his mom, and now the girl and the approaching baby. and i rambled about all my escapades from tha past month with my cousins, friends, and "men."

but oddly, glenn seemed so different. i mean, for so long, he has not cared what i have been doing. most of the time, he;d tell me things about "her" (the girl from PI) and tha parties he'd been going to or girls who have been flirting with him. and while i bugged him if he loved me,had slight feelings for me or even cared a bit, he'd never answer my questions. he would leave me clueless with his emotions. all all this time, i hurt.

and then through my rambling, he said it, "i still love you, len. i am in pain when i hear you talk about these guys around you. there was no day i do not think of you. it hurts missing you." for months, i have annoyed him, asked him what he felt for me and i never got any response.

when he first cheated on my with donna, all i can do was turn my back, cried and i said i was happy for him. when i gave us a chance to start all over again because i thought i just can't drain 4 years together, but what did he do? he went to philippines, slept with a barrio girl and eventually got her pregnant. and all i can do all this time was cry. i have wasted so many tears sobbing for him, i went through a long period of depression ( which still haunts me every once in a while), the millions nights i could not sleep because i thought of him, it not only affected my physical well being (depression, not eating or eating more, insomnia) but it drained my mental capacity (can't focus, can't function normally at school, work..anywhere), and it totally damaged my emotional stability (i'd cry all night long...and hide it to myself).

and now he tells me, he loved me? and that he is in pain? the torture he has put me through was so immense i had to learn how to get up on my own. i had to accept that he did not loved me and he loved someone new and now, he's whining about pain. what pain? he calls my "discovering myself again" and my drive to fly again and my capability of "getting my wings back" to be what i should and become who i should have been, putting him to "misery", "hurting him," and of all words, "PAIN?"

what gives him the right to tell me he was in pain? he stabbed me a million times emotionally, he took my wings away, he paralyzed my self esteem which i am still working at right now, he filled me with this fear to love again that i am stil trying to get rid of right now, he practically killed my soul alive. i thought i was only functioning in this world because i need to. my physical sense of self was livign because i needed to for my family because they need me but glenn put my soul to grave long time ago.

now, that someone (R) is making me feel alive again, is putting the colors back to my rainbow, is inspiring me to fly again, is helping me conquer my fears and achieve my goals, is rejuvenating the soul glenn once killed, is teaching to love again and be myself again, glenn will tell me it is hurting him. how selfish can he be? when i was in my miserable moments, he was nowhere to be found. he had not gave me a time of day. and now, that i am finally finding true happiness through someone else, the one thing i want him to do for me is be happy that someone is filling up his mistakes and making it right.

part of me was glad that glenn finally opened up about his feelings. but a huge part of me was in fury. besides, it was too late for him to tell he loved me and that he was in pain. i had just recently discovered i am can survive without him. that i was strong. and i have him to thank for this newly found strength. i had the choice of making him feel what an idiot he was, to make him realize what pain he has enveloped me through, to tell him what a loser he was...but i could not.

after all, he was a huge portion of who i am today.and we did share memories together. that if someday, if anyone asked me who was the person i remembered the most from my past, glenn would be number one on my list. more to that, glenn will remain my bestfriend. i have told him things nobody knew about me and viceversa. we will always have that bond. in short, he will always be special and it was not worth saying words to hurt him. i told him i am not leaving. that if he needed to talk to me, i am still here listening and comforting him. it's just we can't be what we once were. it's a chapter in our book we must close now and create a new page with a new story. he said i can't judge the future for what it has planned for me and him. and i said, then let it be. he was unhappy, i can sense that. so before i further say something that might hurt him, i decided i must go.

but before i hung up, i asked him, " glenn, if you said you still loved me, and you're in pain when i'm with someone else, why did it took all these to happen before you even tell me what you feel? how can you LOVE someone so much when you hurt, made her cry, pushed away that someone from you once....? ( me!!!!).

i waited for an answer. there was dead silence. i knew i must go...for i will never get the answer.

*glenn, thanks for loving me once. i will always care for you...it's just it will never be the same way i did before. can you just be at least be happy for me the same way i accepted i can't be yours anymore?

Wednesday, August 08, 2001

i've been trying to thinkof a song for me...and all this confusion. then this song came on the radio...i dunno who it is for but ahmm.....

The Space Between
The Dave Matthews Band

You cannot quit me so quickly
Is no hope in you for me
No corner you could squeeze me
But I got all the time for you, love

The space between
The tears we cry
Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more

The space between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep us safe from the pain
But will I hold you again?

These fickle, fuddled words confuse me
Like 'Will it rain today?'
Waste the hours with talking, talking
These twisted game we play

We're strange allies
With warring hearts
What wild-eyed beast you be

The space between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep us safe from the pain
Will I hold you again?
Will I hold...

Look at us spinning out in
The madness of a roller coaster
You know you went off like a devil
In a church in the middle of a crowded room
All we can do, my love
Is hope we don't take this ship down

The space between
Where you're smiling high
Is where you'll find me if I get tickled

The space between
The bullets in our firefight
Is where I'll be hiding, waiting for you
The rain that falls
Splash in your heart
Ran like sadness down the window into...

The space between
Our wicked lies
Is where we hope to keep safe from pain
Take my hand
'Cause we're walking out of here
Oh, right out of here
Love is all we need here

The space between
What's wrong and right
Is where you'll find me hiding, waiting for you
The space between
Your heart and mine
Is the space we'll fill with time
The space between...

APPRECIATING LIFE

i browsed through my emails and here is a forwarded email from my bestfriend maff. it has been there for weeks now and this was the only time i actually opened it. it was such an eye opener that i decided to post here in my blog. it made me realize that we need tough times in life to become stronger and braver individuals. most of the situations mentioned on this forwarded email, i have been through or still going through already. and there are more yet to come....but we should be ready. difficult moments and circumstances should not be a crumbling rock for us, we shoudl take is as stepping stones to progress. but it takes determination and requires a lot of patience. i am experiencing it now, and i do not expect things to be easy along the way, but i am a fighter and there are people like my betsfriend maff who fightf every battle with me. with my Lord by my side and my courage to face each and every battle, i can survive anything. tears at night, harsh words, broken words and promises, shattered heart, battered soul, sleepless nights, being put down by peopel i thought cared for me, working 16 hours just to give my siblings something to spend, even nothign for myself, studying until two in the morning and waking up at 5 am just to get to school on time, having only 5 dollards on my pocket to survive me a week, walking home alone, living alone, feeling alone, and more....these are the things that makes me appreciate life.

well, here's the email entry written by paul harvey. quite inspiring, must say. and i am sharing it with you. i hope it inspires you, too.

Paul Harvey Writes:

We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that wemade them worse.
For my grandchildren, I'd like better.

I'd really like for them to know about hand me down clothes
and homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches,
I really would.

I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated.

I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the car.
And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen.

It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born
and your old dog put to sleep.

I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in,
I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother.
And it's all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room,
but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he'sscared,
I hope you let him.

When you want to see a movie and your little brother wants to tag along,
I hope you'll let him.

I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends
and that you live in a town where you can do it safely.

On rainy dayswhen you have to catch a ride, I hope you don't ask your driver to drop you two blocks away
so you won't be seen riding with someone as uncool as your Mom.

If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying one.

I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books.

When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head.

I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on a girl,
and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what ivory soap tastes like.

May you skin your knee climbing a mountain,
burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.

I don't care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don't like it.
And if a friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is not your friend.

I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandpa and go fishing with your Uncle.

May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays.

I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your neighbour's window
and that she hugs you and kisses you at Christmas time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand.

These things I wish for you - tough times and disappointment,hard work and happiness.
To me, it's the only way to appreciate life.

Written with a pen. Sealed with a kiss. I'm here for you.
And if I die before you do, I'll go to heaven and wait for you.

....Paul Harvey

Tuesday, August 07, 2001

thank you maff....
.........for always ALWAYS....being there for me, for never giving up on me when times are tough.

95% of men are.........

i don't know if it's me but i think i have been letting people invade and overpower my capacity to love. i thought i found that someone i have been looking for for a long time in F. but i think i expected too much from him. and now, the consequences has hit me terribly.

i feared for this moment. but i also realized this pain was minor compared through the torture glenn put me through. i mean, the scar is too shallow that it will heal...soon..well, it's healing now. it's just i feel like i just let him stepped on me AGAIN. and it seems that i have been putting myself in this position where i am always the one abused and used and i am hating myself for that.

why am i always making myself look like a fool? why am i taking risks that are not worthy? why is it it seems that i am always getting promises?
i really don't know. perhaps, my experiences speaks for itself....most of the men in this worlds are jerks...MOST. i should have listened to F. after all, he was the oen who told me, 95 % of men are JERKS and there's about 5% who are not. obviously, F fell on this category of jerks, er..let me rephrase that...ASSHOLES.

life is a journey. if this potential romance didn't work, it was probably for the better rather than i discover his "assholeness" while i was already in the relationship. it was best to know it early for my own benefit. perhaps, tita lulu was right when she said that there are certain things in life that aren't meant for us. and if it was, it will chase you. life is filled with destinies.. and frank cetainly wasn't part of mines. so we'll leave it that way.

i just wonder who is meant for me? because he is taking all these time to find me. while i'm going through all these experiences of haertaches waiting for him.

i can't wait until our world clashes.

Friday, August 03, 2001

oh yeah, i have been on a high fever and coughs for a whole week now. i've never been this sick my whole life. and it's eatign my whole body up right now. i think i have too much stress. even my physical well-being is giving up on me.

glenn called me once checking up if i was okay. F said he missed me but has then refrained from calling. i am just feeling lonesome again. ron keeps calling making sure i am okay.

at the moment, my fever's temperature is 102 degrees and i'm wearing sweat pants and sweat shirt in california where the current weather temperature is 90 degrees because i am freezing cold and shivering...my eyes have been puffy from crying...but ah, i will get over it.

yes, i am again a year older and as expected, LONELY.

the last man i was almost falling in love with have faded like a bubble again. i will not discuss it in details but as usual, it was probably not meant for me. i can't write about it now because the confusion is still overwhelming my thoughts. i have not talked to him (F). but i am praying he is well. and i, i will MOVE ON like the other times.

well, here's another entry from www.tearyeyes.diary-x.com ( i have been putting much inquisitions there lately for some personal reasons.)

02 Aug 2001
spark?

when you stared at my eyes, did you see the spark? did you feel the "gosh-i want-to-be-with-her" feeling? or you felt the opposite?

it has been a week since we were last together. i looked at you in the eyes. words were said, things were done, and now, it seems that promises are broken. was there any spark at all? even a pinch of glitter?

i was hoping...

but i don't see it there.