after three weeks of not talking to glenn, he caught me at home last night. he blurted, " what's up stranger?" he always says that every time i have not communicated with him for a long time. previously, i talked to him about F and ron...how life has been smoothly flowing for me and how i am recently dating again and liking "other people beside him" again.
the entire time, he kept asking how i was and how everything was doing. and i said i have been juggling through busy schedule and seeking time for my social life as well but as usual, the demand of my life's priorities such as school, work, and family and "searching for that someone special" (who i think i found by the way...) are takign up 99 percent of my time. and he said, he, too, is working 12 hour shifts lately and working 6 days a week. i said that he is divertign his time productively through work. besides, he will be a father soon ( the girl he got pregnant from the philippines is due on october) and he needs sufficient enough cash to support himself, his mom, and now the girl and the approaching baby. and i rambled about all my escapades from tha past month with my cousins, friends, and "men."
but oddly, glenn seemed so different. i mean, for so long, he has not cared what i have been doing. most of the time, he;d tell me things about "her" (the girl from PI) and tha parties he'd been going to or girls who have been flirting with him. and while i bugged him if he loved me,had slight feelings for me or even cared a bit, he'd never answer my questions. he would leave me clueless with his emotions. all all this time, i hurt.
and then through my rambling, he said it, "i still love you, len. i am in pain when i hear you talk about these guys around you. there was no day i do not think of you. it hurts missing you." for months, i have annoyed him, asked him what he felt for me and i never got any response.
when he first cheated on my with donna, all i can do was turn my back, cried and i said i was happy for him. when i gave us a chance to start all over again because i thought i just can't drain 4 years together, but what did he do? he went to philippines, slept with a barrio girl and eventually got her pregnant. and all i can do all this time was cry. i have wasted so many tears sobbing for him, i went through a long period of depression ( which still haunts me every once in a while), the millions nights i could not sleep because i thought of him, it not only affected my physical well being (depression, not eating or eating more, insomnia) but it drained my mental capacity (can't focus, can't function normally at school, work..anywhere), and it totally damaged my emotional stability (i'd cry all night long...and hide it to myself).
and now he tells me, he loved me? and that he is in pain? the torture he has put me through was so immense i had to learn how to get up on my own. i had to accept that he did not loved me and he loved someone new and now, he's whining about pain. what pain? he calls my "discovering myself again" and my drive to fly again and my capability of "getting my wings back" to be what i should and become who i should have been, putting him to "misery", "hurting him," and of all words, "PAIN?"
what gives him the right to tell me he was in pain? he stabbed me a million times emotionally, he took my wings away, he paralyzed my self esteem which i am still working at right now, he filled me with this fear to love again that i am stil trying to get rid of right now, he practically killed my soul alive. i thought i was only functioning in this world because i need to. my physical sense of self was livign because i needed to for my family because they need me but glenn put my soul to grave long time ago.
now, that someone (R) is making me feel alive again, is putting the colors back to my rainbow, is inspiring me to fly again, is helping me conquer my fears and achieve my goals, is rejuvenating the soul glenn once killed, is teaching to love again and be myself again, glenn will tell me it is hurting him. how selfish can he be? when i was in my miserable moments, he was nowhere to be found. he had not gave me a time of day. and now, that i am finally finding true happiness through someone else, the one thing i want him to do for me is be happy that someone is filling up his mistakes and making it right.
part of me was glad that glenn finally opened up about his feelings. but a huge part of me was in fury. besides, it was too late for him to tell he loved me and that he was in pain. i had just recently discovered i am can survive without him. that i was strong. and i have him to thank for this newly found strength. i had the choice of making him feel what an idiot he was, to make him realize what pain he has enveloped me through, to tell him what a loser he was...but i could not.
after all, he was a huge portion of who i am today.and we did share memories together. that if someday, if anyone asked me who was the person i remembered the most from my past, glenn would be number one on my list. more to that, glenn will remain my bestfriend. i have told him things nobody knew about me and viceversa. we will always have that bond. in short, he will always be special and it was not worth saying words to hurt him. i told him i am not leaving. that if he needed to talk to me, i am still here listening and comforting him. it's just we can't be what we once were. it's a chapter in our book we must close now and create a new page with a new story. he said i can't judge the future for what it has planned for me and him. and i said, then let it be. he was unhappy, i can sense that. so before i further say something that might hurt him, i decided i must go.
but before i hung up, i asked him, " glenn, if you said you still loved me, and you're in pain when i'm with someone else, why did it took all these to happen before you even tell me what you feel? how can you LOVE someone so much when you hurt, made her cry, pushed away that someone from you once....? ( me!!!!).
i waited for an answer. there was dead silence. i knew i must go...for i will never get the answer.
*glenn, thanks for loving me once. i will always care for you...it's just it will never be the same way i did before. can you just be at least be happy for me the same way i accepted i can't be yours anymore?
posted by pinay freestyle @ 11:32 AM
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