for the first time, i opened up my concerns for R to someone close to me, to my cousin ate ral. at universal citywalk today, while we were having our sensible dinner in a very trendy spot within citywalk, we started talking about our lovelives. though, she has recently married and is now pregnant with their first child, she managed to understand my fear towards loving again. i told her the whole situation about glenn beign so selfish because he saw that i was learning how to love again, and how ron is giving me the whole world but i still have this immense fright of falling in love.
most of the people i have opened up to this, i got criticisms. well, i welcomed these comments. after all, it came from people who cares for me. for instance, my ex boyfriend ziggy said, "i fall too easily." and maffi gave her second demotion to that. she also said i should be careful and honest. ate ral said, "leave glenn's loser ass." and i agreed to all their comments. i understood their concern for me not to be played with again.
but on the opposite side, my point is, i think i have the right to be happy. i mean, yes, i have been hurt before. and yes, men played with my heart before and has broken my heart so many times. but how can i get rid of this pain, of this hatred and rage, and this doubts against the opposite sex if i don't take the risk. i took mane of these risks before. i failed to make it work for different personal resons. but should those falure at love attempts hinder me from "trying" to be happy again and from "trying" to search for my luck in love again? i will never know what is in stored for me unless i explore my options, right?
so that brings me to my situation with R. at thsi point of time in my life, i consider him special. i don't know how special yet. i just know he is. he is showing me things i never encountered in a man in my past. before, i am the one doing the pampering, all the swallowing the pride, all the worrying, all the caring for my past partners, but now, R is the one doign all these things for me. i'm just not used to being in this side of the circumstances. you know, when someone takes really good care of you genuinely and never expects anything in return?
ate ral asked me a very important question tonight. she asked me what i felt for glenn. and i quickly responded, " i feel pity." then i thought of R. i am sure i 'm not using him for my own benefit. i want to show him that i appreciate all the caring and concern he has shown me because he deserves it. i am just waiting for the proper time.
so tell me, am i really dreaming? am i still living an infatuation? or is he really too good to be true? will i stop my heart from falling for a man who needs me as much as i need him? or will i fight NOT to fall for him because i might regret this later? tell me, is this risk of "likng someone too much again" worth it? or should i let him go?
i think i need him...i need someone like him because he keeps me inspired. and i, in return, motivates him. but is that enough to keep us together? is that enough for us to bind? or should i let the fear take over me and turn my back on this now and don't even give this chance to love again flourish at all?
right now, i don't know. i just know that only R and i can judge and make and agree (or diagree) to this decision along with all the risks related with it. what will it be?
posted by pinay freestyle @ 12:17 AM
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