thinking: i'm so scared to fall in love, yet someone is easing up that fear.
"motivate"
i uttered something to R last night regarding fearing love that bothered him greatly. for the past 6 months i knew him, we have opened our lives to each other so much just the last three months. i discovered so much about him that i can almost see myself and my experiences when he tells me his life's story. like me, he is learning to get up on his own feet after a long time was on the ground. like me, he is exploring other life's options besides beign labeled as a "gangster." like me, this whole new LOVE thing is so brand new that it is scaring the hell out of him, too.
last night, we had one of our intimate conversation just because i mentioned to him that i have heard the lines," i care about you", "i love you", "i am NEVER leaving you"," i need you in my life", "i will NEVER messed up on you..." from my past relationships and i am scared that i am hearing from him again. i told him what difference does it makes when all those people in my pasts offered me the world and yet, all i was left were broken promises. that is why if he wants to be with me, he has to work a little harder, put more effort that he wants me in his life. i apologized to him why he had to live up with all the frustrations and the heartbreaks these fools left in me. but i also hoped that he is not saying all these words to me just to make me feel better because i have heard these utters so many times in my life. i am just thankful that he understands my situation.
i was busy cleaning up my room, then R called. i don't think he was drank. he said he thought of everything i said to him such as the fear to love again. i mentioned to him that if i go for him, and our relationship will not work, that is it for me....i will put off romance for a long time and concentrate on my goals. and then he said, "see that will never happen because i will never leave you. the only reason why i will leave you is when you push me away." jokingly, i said, there are three reasons why i would leave him, one, if he fucked up on me( have kids...too many women), two, when he does drugs , kicks it with his loser old homies who has nothing to do but messed up their lives, or three, if he turns gay on me =) hhaha LOL.
then i asked him, " why me?" there are so much girls in these world but of all people, why me? i am not as good looking as anyone else, i have a short temper, i complain and whine a lot, i have too many problems that i worry about, i get paranoid, i am not as intelligent as some peopel are, i have this tendency to be emotional and retarded at the same time, my past was a mess, i have low self esteem...now , WHY ME?
then all he said were things that no one has ever told me before.
"len, no one has motivated me as much as you have. no one can replace the happiness i have when i am with you. it's hard for me right now because the pressure is on me. i am trying to prove my mom and my brother and you that i am worth something. that you have to believe in me for me to get through this difficult time right now. i can't risk losing you in my life because i never encountered anyone as marvelous as you. there are probably one million men in this world who would want a lady like you because you got your life going on, you are a fighter, not a quitter, intelligent, loving not only to your family and friends, but also to me. i need someone like you in my life. i need you because i love you. i never " i love you" in my past relationships before, i put that on my father's grave. for me to say it to you, i mean it...because i feel it."
wacky as i am, i responded, " okay, have you been watching romantic movies again? because you sound so corny!?" hahaha. LOL. but only if he knew i was shedding tears while he was saying all these. for so long, i have long for someone to care for me. i have given so much in my past relationships that i didn't leave anything for myself. i risk everything i have when i love. and i'm afraid, i am liking him too much. do i need to hit the breaks? i don't know. neither did he knew, he is my strength right now. i told him, i need him because he makes me the fighter that i am. and that if everyone has shut its doors on him, i would still be there for him. i have proven that to people who have turned their lives on me and yet, when worse comes to worse, i was there for them. that just comes to show what a true friend i am...to everyone....even to my exes who have sabotaged my heart and yet, i remained very good friends with them. if i motivate him, it is because he inspires me. it's just a give and take thing.
i feel my heart getting the urge to love again. can he possibly be the answer to all my drearing heartaches? is my Lord giving him to me because my Lord thinks i need him? these questions are getting repetitive every time i encounter guys as good and marvelous as him. i need him as much as i need him. i never felt this way since ziggy. i want R to be in my life. i am just waiting for the right moment to tell him. f
or now, i am glad that i am able to motivate even just one person in this world. it inspires me to do more motivation to other people. it makes me think i am worthy as a person. that's all that matters in this world, that i was worth something to someone so when someday, when i'll look back on my life, i can say, " i was able to reach out."
posted by pinay freestyle @ 8:28 AM
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