+++ MY SILENT REVERIES +++

Saturday, June 30, 2001

glenn called me this morning. i'll spill you the details later.

Friday, June 29, 2001

at 3 am....

my phone rang and it was AB. he had some issues he needed to get rid of because he was feeling bad about it. being the listener that i am, i decided to lend my ear. so it was this whole thing about making his mother wait for him until 2:30 am in someone else's while he was with his friends. and he felt guilty that he took his mom forgranted. and one more thing is that, he was with some girl linnete( who hads a bf, and also lucy's friend) and check this out, with steve and lucy.

yep, you read it right. it's my close friend steve and his (how do i call her, hoe? well, what's another politically correct term for a slut?!) well, it's lucy. both steve and lucy have no idea i know AB. i decided not to tell steve because i am waiting for AB to ask steve if he knew me. i wonder what steve would tell me as soon as he found out.

but going back to AB's issue, his mother was really upset and he felt like total disobedient son making hos mother wait until 2:30 am at his aunt's house while he was havignfun with linnete. my comment was, " what were you thinking? that's you mother you know. she comes first." i asked if he liked linete and he said no. but he just didn't notice the time. well, i advised him to cook his mother breakfast or something or prepare her lunch bag and put a little note that he was sorry. so i guess, he did that today.

changing the topic, AB told me i am so much like him, in evry way i can think of. well, i was quite confused because i don't even knwo how i am to him. i am nice to everyone as long as they are nice to me. but ahmm, he said while he ws with linette at sta. monica beach with steve and lucy, he was it was me he was with. i was goign to ask him what that meant but i decided to shut up because if he did respond, i don't want to feel all these mix emotions for him.

i did tell him i have plans of going to las vegas next week to see maff and ate carol and the kids. but i also told me las vegas always rejuvenates my soul. for some strange reason, las vegas charges my weary soul. and it' s also that feeling of " i want to get away." i told him i'd see him perhaps on sunday or if not, as soon as i get back.

it was 5 am and both of s were sleepy. i wanted to be with him today but ahmm, he has things to do so i guess not. but we'll see. i addressed to him that i had to go. and he agreed. as we were hanging up, he goes, " wait" and then silence. i waited. he continued on, " ahmm, do you have to go to las vegas? can' t you just spend time with me? i mentioned i wanted to go to vegas. but it's not like i' not going back here. it will only be brief. and he said, "okay."

for the second time, i told him i have to go because i am so sleepy. and he goes, okay. and then again, "wait," he said. i waited...again, thinking and wondering what is he going to say this time.

"i'll miss you when you go to vegas...but i'll also miss you when we'll hung up now," he said.

okay. what ami suppose to say. i didn't want to say i'llmiss him too though i knew i will but i felt there was a needs to keep my thought right now for later purposes. so anywaz, i said thank you and i'll talk to him and that he needs to get some sleep.

at 5 am, i stayed up and i tried to overanalyze what he meant by saying he will miss me. not all guys i meet tells me that. so it meant a lot to me that someone was actually thinking of me and will be thinking of me when i am gone. i feel cared for.and though, i didn't have the guts to tell you AB, i will miss you, too. thank you for missing me. one of these days, i will probabl ket you read these blogs of mine. but for the mean time, it feels wonderful that i am writing this thoughs for you without you knowing a single clue. u'll give you acess one day...when it's the right time.

okay, four of my friends plus one, that makes it five, have just informed to leave drop glenn and "get rid" of his loser ass and move on. they have also question why do i date men that re sutpid? frankly, i don't know. i guess, it's a challenge. but don't worry peeps, i have been meeting decent, "smart" men lately. but i have my eye on someone in particular ( A. B. is his initials). no progress yet. he's just too nice. i am venturing out my anger in meeting new people. i suppose, that's good thing compared to losing my sanity dealing with people who gives all their best in making my life a living hell, right? there's three guys at the moment, LG, AB, and jay. but ahmm...we'll see. i'll ahve to see how things go. at least, i am feeling a bit better than the past few days.

Thursday, June 28, 2001

is it time to mend my soul again? i feel the urge to get away. and las vegas is the only city that provides me with that peaceful feeling. things are in the process. if it goes as planned, i am off to las vegas. right now, i am still trying to confirm things. my soul's been drench with loneliness and i need to take that away from my system because it's getting worse each and every day. ahh, we'll see.

Wednesday, June 27, 2001

the torment goes on...

i'm still feeling downcasted and heavyhearted. my dispirited soul is still drearing mirthless and sad emotions. i have desolated myself from feeling happy.well, even if i wanted to, certain situations...rather people are succeeding at making my life miserable.

the rhapsodical drama continous on.

in cardiokickboxing class, steve told me PR (rich-- the guy i liked one time...) was with lucy yesterday (that bitch! not only is she hurting steve, she's giving me an impression she really was a hoe. i can't blame rich for goign for her...or seeing her, any way, he did bone her one time and left her. that's all she'll ever be in my eyes). i chose not to comment on what steve said. it was best i kept my mouth shut before i explode and advice him to leave his dumb gf's ass. but it added more to my misery. i mean, i am trying to survive each day at a time and here, he adds more worries. it's just what i needed...more "putdowns."

mom is still on her hormonal imbalance.

none of my "user" friends are here to be found.

i'm just absorbing everyones twinge, dramas, problems. name it. i am the one makign sure they are okay, if everything is going well, if there's anything i can do...to comfort them.

and as usual, i am left unnoticed. consider me dead. that's how it felt, anyway. no one even ask if i was okay, how was my day...even wondered if i was alive or dead. yep.i told you.... just shoot me.

but oh well, behind all thse anger, if there's few people i appreciated for "listening" to me...

*thanks "albert" for your heartwarming advice. i needed that last night. i needed someone who will not judge me but instead, assure me and comfort me that they are there to stay. thank you so much. i owe you one. someday, when circumstances are choking you and you need someone, without any doubt, i will embrace you and comfort you the same way you have comforted me.

* manong jeremy, time and time again, when i am angry at the world, when my whole universe is crumbling, and my endeavors are collapsing, and you always manage to bring me smile. i needed that today. thank you. sorry for taking you forgranted sometimes. but at all times, your "adeng norichan" ( little sis) is here for you no matter what.

Tuesday, June 26, 2001

on my last pinch of sanity

today is probably one of them days i don't want to wake up. i wish i 'd go to sleep and never wake up. at least, i'll die peacefully.

for all of you who are not familiar with my behavior, well, i have the tendency to close the world around me when i'm depress. i don't want anybody telling me what i can and cannot do because hell, i will do whatever i want at all cause, and i couldn't care less. i don't care if i pissed the shit out of you, or even if you're giving me advices that i just don't need right now. all i need is an ear whose willing to listen.

i don't know what got to me. glenn's getting on my last nerves, his drama, his problem with the girl in pi...damn, it wasn't my dick ( which i have none by the way) he got her pregnant then why is laid all on me, why is all his worries laid on me? and the guys...yes, all of them are also tickling my angry bone that i am on the verge of shutting them all off, mom's on this menopausal mood again and either i am her target or my brother long, my brother long is out of the 90 percent of the time, noreen is whining on her...errr everything and i am the punchign bag of her complains, my friends are nowhere to be found, actually, some so called " friends"call just because they need something from me, or wants me to do them a favor, that's the only time i am needed...when they need something, when i am the person they can depend on...damn, where are my real friends at?! shiet, even my professor gave me a freekin' C+ for a paper i've worked my butt on, and yes, i went up to her today and asked what the fuck is wrong with my paper, she mentioned that my vocabulary seemed too high that she suspect plagiarism. what?! well, i told her i will give her my resources tomorrow and then she decide if i even plagiarized. but she told me i can rewrite the goddamn paper. i just don't get it. and now, just freeking now, my brother long walked by me and asked where the damn cat is...i said, i don't know...which i really meant, i didn't know and his irky response was, "you didn't know or you don't care?" what the.....just because of a goddamn cat!!! errr....everyone's on my case.

and now, it has hit the peak. all these frustrations are overlapping on top of each other. i am on my last dose of patience, carrying the terminal of my temper, withholding the extremity of my ultimate bitchiness. one more person to indulge me to cuss them out, one more complain from anyone, one more "put me down" cirsumtances, one more offensive remark, just one more, this irritation will shatter into a grenade of fury and ire, and i am my rearmost, hindmost, utmost wrath of rage....and any minute now, i am just waiting...i am about to explode.

fuck life! fuck everyone who made (and is still making) my life live in such hate and fury! are you fuckin happy?

shoot me now. step on me more, kick me more, cuss me out like you've never cuss me out( better yet, doit infornt of me), break and tore the last and concluding piece of my aching heart(hat's all you've been doign to me anyway, why stop now?), take away my soul, fill me with more indignation and uselessness, tell me what a loser i am, laugh at me behind my back, stab me more with pain and twinge (in fact, make it bleed, create a deeper wound), slash me with an everlasting scar, make my life more meaningless (anyway, i am functioning only because i need to, otherwise, i am just a robot on a routine, a zombie in trance going with the flow).

in other words, just kill me...

in every way you can think of, in every manner you can do it

...one snap of a caliber right on my head, enermous portions of poison in any of my food or drink (it's welcomed!), stab me with overflowing bood, when i'm sleeping, burn me into ashes, don't leave any dash of my soul alive, scrapped and sliced every meat i have in my body, feed me to the hungry lions or cannibals in africa, send me to the woundign wars and make me your first combat, use me as a cadaver, just anything ..anything.

and all this miserable whinings will end and i, i won't be a hassle in any of your life anymore. i won't be another burden to your already heavy heart. give me silence. giev me solace...perhaps, that will be my only refuge. for as long as i am breathing, i am suffocated with so much ire and hatred and hopelessness. i am choking with too much emotions and problems.

wouldn't that be such a relief? i will be out of your life. no harm for you. probably better for me.

now, kill me. just do it. will you do it? or will it better for you if i do it myself?

i am tired and weary. i need to rest. give my solace. take me to my refuge...death.

Monday, June 25, 2001

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." 1 John 1:18

HELLO JANG!!!
Wow, you;re actually reading my blogs. Well, I hope everything's well with you. Keep in touch. I'll do the same.

Sunday, June 24, 2001

appreciative

remember the guy i told you i admired? he's also the one i mentioned who was younger...well, we had the best conversation today. i don't know what indulged him to open up to me but he did. and i appreciate how he opened up his feelings despite the fact i knew he was hurt. his father suffered a stroke earlier and he's been having a hard time to deal with it. he admitted he cried. i revered at his sensitivity. not only does he brigtens up my day, he gives me consistent smiles. and i am contented with that.

i can relate to his situation because just two years ago, my own father suffered a heart stroke that left him walkign in a cane now. when "he" was telling me he wept, i began to feel this soft spot on him. usually, i would give him a hard time. but i felt as if i needed to cut him some slack today because he needs me more than i need his company to cheer me up.

in the midst of our emotional ventilation, i started crying. and he listened to me...just listened to my woes and frustrations...about my past, my dad's health, my house burned, my heavy burdens, my dreams, my shattered heart, the cheating guys. through it all, he just listened. i mean, i don't know. one thing i noticed with men is that all they do is "hear" and not "listen." hearing---hear it through one ear and goes to the other...whiel listening---hears with a heart. i appreciate his consideration and kindness. then he said, "wipe your tears, sweetie. you don't deserve to cry." and i wept more....because he amuse me...because...he's so nice to me and it's not fair that i am giving him a hard time when he, too needs to be comforted...because i think i am beginning to like him more than i should.

there are more to discover. perhaps, he can be the one...but i don't know yet. it depends on my heart and his, too. time will answer it all. well, he had to go. and even though i wanted to hug him...i simply said, "thank you. i really appreciate it."

TO: L. G. (that's his initials)...thank you for making my day. thank you for making me smile. =) even if you're the one who deserve the cheering up. someday, i will be able to open up to you as much as you have open up to me. someday, i will also be able to give you access to this blog so you 'll realize i do talk about you. for now, i'll keep smiling just for you. =)

Thursday, June 21, 2001

i wrote this for vince last year. it was my way of telling him my history...my untold pains and my secret admiration towards him. it took me six months to give it to him. but he cried reading it. aww.

jungle of our own: tarzan and jane version
each and everyone of us,
encounter a "jungle" of our own.
our lives is similar toa "jungle."
some of us are lost in a forest searching for the right path,
some of us just wanders inside, collaborating with different creatures of God...
perhaps, a dog, the man's bestfriend,
or perhaps, friends we call "snakes."
some of us are in the paradise, appreciating nature's beauty,
some are just seeking a mate
our own Janes and in my case, a Tarzan...

so here's my journey.
out of suriosity, i stepped into this chaotic jungle.
unfamiliar of what lies ahead inside this enchanted forest
but it is this core of the jungle
where...i met the misleading snakes that bit, abandoned, and paralyzed me with their venoms,
where...fear empowered my body as i tumbled on the lion's roar,
where...the ingeniuty and keenness of the brilliant monkeys continues to astound me.

like the trials and tribulations of my life,
i treaded the sturdy and vigorious currents of the river,
i strolled the prosperous and lavish green grass and the sky high trees,
i ascended the dinosauric piles of rocks,
i struggled to hike and climb up each prominent mountain.
at the highest peak,
i venture to observe thethe sight at the base.,
i ventured to enjoy the view.
i marveled to delight at what i've accomplished...
and then, with the climax of it all,
in a wink of an eye,
i slipped, and stumbled down the hill.
unaided, i fell deeply in this dungy, clayey, muddy swamp.

i dwelled in that turbid, gloomy swamp for a lengthy time...
i endeavoured to rise up but i slide right back down to the bottom,
i was withdrawn, i was in such a remote environment,
i had nothing to clench on,
i had no one to reach out to.
the skycrappign trees were misused and abused..cut and torn down.
right then, i felt casted out and forsaken.
so i had to help myself.
weak and weary, i fought to get up...
using every fiber of my drained mind, body. and soul...
"aaaahhh," but i stumbled down.
i felt hopeless.
i was like a slaughtered eagle,
attempting to spread my wounded wings,
yearning to break free, to soar, to fly...
i was locked in a steel cage.

so i patiently waited...of what seemed like elngated hours...i suppose, days...
for someone to turn up my way.
someone whose been to this same route...
hopefully carrying the keys to my bird cage,
hopefully mighty enough to pull me out of this tarry swamp
that i have been submerged in for a long while.

in the midst of the bleak, dusky, midnight,
i harked noises comign fromt he black crows.
the anxious bats flew in groups above me.
i glanced up, the moon was full.
a shadow headign towards me...near me.
a man showed up,
he looked worn down like me,
he extended his hands to grasp me.
like a powerfil tiger, he clinch and clapm his claws to me,
like a cautious mother gorilla, he safeguarded me from danger,
like a fuzzy bear, he cuddled me, kept me warm and snugly in his arms.

i am still seeking for my escape out of this jungle.
i acquired a new lioness in me.
stronger, braver, fearless, and courageous...
"why?," you may ask...
because it is in these chaotic jungle, where i found my TARZAN.
will i be his Jane?
only time can tell.

...the passion of love bursting into flame is more powerful than death, stronger than grave.

love can not be drowned by oceans or floods, it can not be bought, no matter what is offered.

Song of Songs 8:6-7

**sigh. i missed being loved. =(

for decapitated hearts only

i was browsing through my old compilation of poems. i just realized i composed verses best when i'm hurt. so here, i'm sharing twinge inspired poetries.

**why**

after all the times you hurt me,
the times you've made me cry,
why do i forgive you,
with every little sigh?

the times that you betrayed me,
and times of painful good-bye's...
why do i still need you?
after all your many lies?

the times you ignored me,
and the times my pain has shown...
why do i still care for you,
though you left me all alone?

with the scars you left upon me,
and the teras that fall each day...
why am i still inlove with you,
though you've treated me this way?

**just wondering**

as the lips that once told me claimed to love me no more,
i wonder how to stop tears that flowed so freely to the floor

as the eyes that once held a look so warm, could no longer hold my stare,
i wonder if there was a time when those eyes really did care.

as the arms that once carressed and comforted me, now just pushed me away,
i wonder why my time was through, and why i couldn't stay?

Wednesday, June 20, 2001

i got this hilarious forwarded email from my bestfriend maffi( thanks maff!). i just have to share it with you.

just a little side note ffor maffi: does this pertain to anyone in particular? hahah lol. i think i know who!

this is for the women.
men. sorry it's quiet true! hahaha LOL

MEN ARE LIKE...

Men are like.....Laxatives. They irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like.....Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like.....Vacations. They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like.....Bank Machines. Once they withdraw they lose interest.
Men are like.....Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like.....Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like.....Cement. After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
Men are like.....Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smoothe, and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like.....Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like.....Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like.....Department Stores. Their clothes are always half off.
Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like.....Snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Men are like.....Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like.....Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

* i told you it was funny!!!!

i adapted this from rod's blog's site but it's just one of those things that makes sense.it makes you want to take the time out to appreciate the humans around you. read on.

The Paradox of Our Time
(author unknown)

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers; wider highways, but narrower viewpoints.

We spend more, but have less; we buy more but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time.

We have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; more experts, yet more problems; more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.

We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space.

We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.

We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice.

We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; big men and small character; steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are the days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or just hit delete. Remember, spend some time with your loved ones because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember to say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember to say "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak, give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

Tuesday, June 19, 2001

i dream of solace

i talked to glenn couple of days ago and once again, the issue of him being possibly the father of the child from that girl he had a one night stand with in the philippines was brougt up. i debarded myself from expressing and deliberating my views on this issue. when glenn querried for my judgement, i chose not to enunciate my notion. i decided not to construe what i felt because it was hurting me. it was best for me to leave it unuttered. although i sense he knew my heart was aching.

i warded off myself from experiencing more twinge. i have been enveloped in so much torment and yet, i can't fight anymore in a battle i am aware i have the possibility to lose. this is probably a fight wherein no matter how vigoriously and powerful i struggle, i will eventually collapse and fall considering that i was the one stepped on and stoled a lover from. but this is the reality of life. we win some, we lose some. this is their time and mine still awaits.

being in glenn's arms used to be my escape. i thought he loved me for everything that i am and i thought i can freely be who i longed to be in his company. i deemed i was his only love, the one he will marry. but i was fooled by his romantic gestures. i forgotten how men can be assholes sometimes, that they have the hunger, the drive, the urge to even just taste, or "explore" other women. i overestimated glenn's faithfulness that i disregarded that he, too, was also a mere mortal that can be lured and provoke into having a so called "casual, one night sex" with another human. and this is the result of his action. perhaps, a new baby glenn or a female version of him. and i, i am left with a shattered heart, unanswered questions, and a life filled of broken promises.

now, once again, i craved for solace. i long to have a refuge where i can cry, whom i can confide all my sorrows and tribulations. in a world where chaos existed, it is so difficult to find this place...or person. i was lucky once to find it once in glenn or in vince. at times, i catch this placid comfort when i sit infront of the porch and i stare at the stars at three in the morning, or when i watched the airplanes fly in and out, or when i eavesdrop and listen to the rain otuside when it's thunder storm season. i am once again tortured by this lonely speculations that glenn is not mine anymore and that i have to find an effective way of persistently convincing myself to wake up and makr that into my stubborn head. right now, i wish to experience the hush, the peacefulness, and calmness of my heart and mind. that's all i ask for now. i pray for a better day. my Lord, you're the only one who can provide me with an answer. in Your hands, my Savior, i give all my troubles. grant me peace and serenity and a someone who will take my pain away. only you, my Lord, can erase my loneliness. only you....

ex boyfriend blues

ziggy, my ex-boyfriend before glenn, has been calling me, showing up in our house more than he should. the other day, i finally had the courage to ask him what was his purpose again. he just said he wanted me back. that i should give him the chance to make everything right this time, that yes, he has hurt me in the past and he regretted hurting me and now, i should give him the opportunity to make me happy. my reaction? i don;t feel the same way for him anymore. if there was something in my heart for him, it was purely friendship. plus, he now has a kid by blood not by law. yes, the kid's mother took his rights off as the father.

it's strange how both glenn and zig are busting out the i want you back drama.i asked zig why he wanted me back and one of his reasons were because i was the first girl who divirginized him. what is it about guys and the first woman who took away their virginity? why is it there's this certain attachment? well, ziggy offered to drive me to maff to vegas. but im not just sure when yet because i have been preoccupied with school and tasks at home. i even asked zig how willing is he now to be with me and he said, if i wanted, he will marry me in vegas. ewww. no way. i never planned to be married in vegas.

anywayz, i told zig that out friendship now is better that what we were before. our love was a chaos back then. people were against us. i defended him all the way but he, too, left me. and now, he wants me back? i told him to fix his life" clean up his acts, go back to school, get a decent career, prove me that he is willing to change, that he is someone, and then maybe, i will think about giving him a chance. for now, it's a zero guarantee.

i'm glad we're friends though. and i am flattered that my exes are wanting me back. does that mean i have been a good girlfriend to them back then? i suppose, yes. i mean, they wouldn't go back to an exgirlfriend unless they felt loved and cared for by this person right? well, in that case, i do feel special.

Sunday, June 17, 2001

father's love

for changing my diapers when i was young,
for making my milk at three in the morning,
for singing me lullabies just to make me feel asleep,
for taking me to any place i wanted,
for my first bike ride, my first party, first car,
for tucking me under the covers when i was a baby (until now sometimes),
for teaching me how to wash my underwears,
for buying my maxi pads on my first menses,
for throwing huge parties during my teens,
for training me the basic skills in life,
for tutoring me to play the piano,
for implanting me how to sing,
for plaring the role of a father and mother when mom had to go away,
for feeding my siblign and i especially at times when we were financially depressed,
for raising us from ignorant children into intelligent and woderful adults,
for making me understand why mom can't be there,
for instilling me life worth values and morals,
for preparing me to face the harshness of life,
for drilling me how to sew, cook, do the laundry,
for grounding me to be firm and strong,
for understanding things mother can't understand,
for being the lenient and cool one,
for giving me endless cash flows,
for granting me me what i want,
for letting me make my own decisions,
for supporting my endeavors,
for encouraging me to try again at times i felt i failed,
for making me conquer my fears,
for indoctrinating love, generosity, and respect for others
for understanding and sometimes, healing a broken heart,
for spreading my wings,
for enlightening me with wisdom and knowledge,
for wiping my tears,
for defending me ceaselessly,
for loving me regardless what i did,
for accepting me the way i am,
for molding my personality and character,
for being the best person, not only to me, but to others,
for imparting love for the Lord, family, and friends,
for preparing us to beat the odds,
for simply being the best dad.
for always doing all these things and more,
for all that you have been,
for all that you are,
for all that you're yet to be,
THANK YOU, PAPA
i love you very much.

happy father's day and happy 52th birthday to papa.

for all of who don't know, i am and have always been a daddy's little girl. all that i am now, it is because he molded me to be a beautiful person inside and out. i owe it all to him. he played a huge part of the strong willed woman standing right infront of you. without him, i will be nothing. he is the reason why i breath, why i succeed, why i am trying to be the best i can be. it is because i want him to be proud of me. his love will be forever leave me in debt that i will never be able to pay because his love for me and my siblings is unconditional and everlasting. if there was one person who brought my shine, it was my dad. he is the sun who brought wonderful glimmer to my world. thank you, papa for being the wind beneath my wings and for making me fly. at all times, i love you.

where i went this weekend.......

1) laker game at staples. yes folks, i was one of the record breaking roudy 19,000 laker fans that paid 10 dollars just to watch lakers beat sixers and iverson for the nba finals game. did i tell you the laker girls were hot? ok...i'm not planning to switch to dykeness but i just thought you wanted to hear that.

2) shopping----auntie vicky(my favorite aunt, papa's sister) from frisco and we went everywhere shopping. i bought three new outfits and of course, another platform shoe. mom's hates how i buy shoes everytime i go shopping. we went to melrose avenue, glendale galleria, beverly center, santee everywhere!

3) filipino expo at convention center - hillard, my brother long's friend, hooked me up with free tickets to go to the filipino expo. we went to late though because we were shopping the whole day. as usual, i expected to see fine male filipinos (also, full of themselves which i hate the most ) and bitchy females who mad dogs you for nothing (why? i don't even know). i went with mother, auntie vicks, and lola. my mother's obsession with chinese decors kicked in again. instead of enjoying the entertainment, my mother decided to purchase this contemporary chinese painting for 400 dollars and somer other chinese accesories for our home. we also bought papa a 22 k gold bracelet costing us almost 500 dollars. can you imagine being in the expo fro roughly an hour and spending almost a thousand worth of dollars? gosh! and mom thinks my shoes are expensive! olay?! i ended up seeing charm but ahmm...for a sec because she was in a rush and i was, too.

Thursday, June 14, 2001

here's more designless and uninteresting ponderings

oh yeah, i talked to old friends from concorde last week. i miss them too. it seems that i've been missing everybody. i miss maff, i miss glen. i miss "him." i miss inch. i miss my sister, my niece and nephew. ahhh...okay, i am on a depressive "i-miss-everybody" mood right now. waaah. i think i need to sleep. so i can get rid of these lonely thoughts. but it's only 10 pm. i usually stay up on a thursday night. chamr asked me if i wanted to go clubbing maybe next week. well, sure, i agreed. so it's party time this weekend actually because it's dada's (my father) birthday and it's also father's day and my cousins from frisco are driving down here. yes, my favorite aunt in the world is going here.one more thing, our guest house is done so that's another financial burden off my chest. at least, i am investing my money on something productive and worthy. that's a good thing. my mind is randomly and aimlessly thinking and speculating about legion of things.

i wanted to post more intelligent blogs but i am tired and i think i need to take a nap. tomorrow is a busy day because i am runnign errands for my mother here and there. i hope the sub acute unit won't holler me up to fill for geng tomorrow because i will turn it down. fine, i'll pretend i'm sick. har har har. so well, that's all for now, folks. i will probably be busy the next coming days but i will try to post some thoughts here as often as i getthe chance. for now, ciao and until next time.

i will be going to the filipino expo here in los angeles at the convention center on the weekend. charm just bugged me and reminded me i shoudl go because she will be at the the convention desk. i promised i'll drop by. we'll see.

oh yeah, lakers one yesterday! whoa! go shaq!

glenn called to say he missed me. hmmmmm.

admiration

i specified a special someone that i have been talking to for a while. i wanted to give it a try but frankly, i am so scared. i also cited that he is younger than me. and i really don't know what i feel about the age issue. my friends told me it should not be a huge of a deal but i felt uneasy that i am older than him. i suppose because i once dated a younger male and it did not go well and i had the phobia from it. and now, "he's" ( i wanted to mention his name but i think i should wait until things are going the way we wanted it to be. otherwise, i will leave him nameless. for now, at least.) here.

i can't say i like him. i can't say i am attracted. i can't say i'm in love (because i'm definitely not). then what is it? it's probably just a little admiration. admiration of what? i don't know exactly. i find him delighfully amusing and charmingly funny. he expressed how i make him happy. contrastingly, he makes me smile and takes away my stress. but i don't tell him anything. in fact, i think i got him upset earlier because i was giving him this whole lecture how i am picky and finicky with guys and how it will grapple a bountiful endeavor and multiple attempts to make me even like anyone. he asked is it because i'm terrified and scared. and i remained speechless. i chose not to comment and changed the topic. he hung up on me.

how can he read my heart? i am trying to hold my composure here. how many times did i turned my back on incidents like these? i favored to walk away from admiring anyone because i am firghten out of my wits to love again or to even like anyone. and there he is, pserseveringly patient towards my hesitant ordeal and demeanor and continously, uncomplainingly, and tolerantly wheedling and sweet talking me. he said he's willing to get to know me and he's interested. am i on denial? i'm clueless with what i feel. he amazingly showers me with praises. and it flatters me. but that's probably just that. he's genuinely magnifying my tarnished and splinterized self esteem.

we'll see how the approaching days go by. i find him adorable and romantic. he has some of the qualities i like i.e., educated, funny, cute, tall, God fearing...but then again, i don't have enough basis to like him. there's so much more to discover and unmask about him. but for the time being, he makes me feel good about myself and that's a plus. what's the score? ( rating it from 1-10) maybe a 6.5. he gets upset everytime i tell him this. well, it's because i am still on the getting to know him stage.

i am both optimistic and pessimistic. optimistic because he seems to be working hard of making me liek him . pessimistic because of the risks i have to take especially the risk of getting hurt . ahhh...i really don't know. i admire him for what he is as a human being. but more than that, i will it unended and i will follow through when the time traspire.i have all the time in the world. let's wait for the right time to predict our future.

Tuesday, June 12, 2001

random blabs

.....i have been chatting/talking with "mike" from ucla the past few days. you don't understand. smart men are such a turn on for me. ah...i'm not attracted to him...not yet. but how do i phrase it? i think i am impressed of his achievements. and his brains! i am challenge of people who makes me seem dumb. i'll tell you mroe about him later.

....okay, drama again. my mother called up my ate bel in the philippines and it seems that she is having problem with her marriage again. and where does she run to? us...me and my mother. my sister is 28 years old and 7 years older than me, but it seems i am the one standing up to be the big sister for my family. i just don't understand why she would marry someone who physically and emotionally abuse her. what is her reason for staying? is for security? or fear? i feel sorry for her. i mean, i would do anything to help her out. i am willign to take her kids here and take care of them. but the problem is, she is not helping herself. she is weak. she mentioned she rather be dead. i feel sorry for the kids. i know she feels helpless. but she needs to gather up strength for herself and her children. i hate my brother in law. i hate how he hurts my sister. RRrrrr.

.....see, this is one of the reason why i feared marriage. glenn proposed ot me twice and i turned it down twice. why? because i am scared. i witnessed the hurt it brought to my family, my own sister. mom mentioned," that's why i keep telling you to think twice before even marrying anyone. he has to be stable in all aspects before anything else. marriage is a lifetime decision. before you commit yourself to it, prepare for a life time filled stress. it may be good at first but the storm will come and that will test whether you can hang." well, i dont; see glenn stable in all aspects. in fact, i have lectured him over and over again about his life. btu when i broke up with him, he seems to be going the wrong way.ah idon't know.

...... i was restrospecting about my life earlier because of ate's problem. marriage hit my thoughts. i am fearful of marriage. i ought to be married someday. but it's just i don't want to regret that decision. most of my close friends are married and i see how it has put a strain on them. i dont' want my marriage to be like that. i want the fairy tale kind that has its ups and downs and yet, they overcome the tough times. i am patient, forgivign and understanding towards relationship. i think that is the key why i had long lasting relationships with men. but marriage, whoever my future husband will be, he has to be even more patient with me. i will find him. he's just there around the corner. before i felt left out because most of my friends are married. now, i am feeling a bit lucky that i am not. maybe my Lord is really giving me the option to choose the best guy there is fit for me. i will wait. man, i hope he finds me soon because i am surely gettign impatient waiting for him. hehehe.

.......cardiokickboxing is a killer. even butt muscles are hurting. and tomorrow is going to be a real torture. rrrRrr. we're running. the only positive thign about this class is the instructor is so fine. hehhehe. that keeps me going.=)

........someone out there is crazy about me. this guy calls me four times a day. hahaha. and ewww....i am not attracted to him. he's young anywayz. but ahmm, i got him mesmerized. hahaha. ego trip. well, frankly, i am falttered. at leats i know i still have my charms. hahaha.

.........maff is "not feelign well." i sur ehope you're okay. please call me soon. don't forget i am here for you.

Monday, June 11, 2001

me misshh you, pony.

men: sensitive or insensitive? or is it a mask?

reading other blogs, i felt as if my entries were so lame and inarticulate. do you ever get the sense of getting lost in something you are reading? that's what i felt reading some of other people's blogs today. i mean, these people are so eloquent and real that i can relate to things tehy discussed beyond words. for instance, there was this guy who uttered about how he missed his girlfiend because she left her pair of earrings in his room and seeing the earrings there reminds him of her, or there's another blog that talked how the rain played a vital role while he and "his someone special" made love, others discussed love....what it's like to love, to be loved, to let go of that love, or just a new love. ahhh, i'm in awe. what even makes these blogs dear to me is the fact that most, about 90% of it, are written by men. where can i find these men?it seems that i have been involved with hafl witted, imbecilic, and insensitive guys. and i am beginning to hate myself for it.

i wonder sometimes if glenn feels like these towards me.does he missed me whenever he sees my things around his house? i puposely left him my personal things so it would remind him of me. one thing i loved about glenn is his macho zeal. he pretends to be this tough, ghetto person , putting a facade of "strength and tower" infront of his friends who looked up to his bravery and courage. but behind close doors, i see another glenn. the one who writes me letters at two in the morning because he simple felt like it and that i "should cherished that letter" because it "was only going to be once in a blue moon", the one who draws me "bouquet of roses" when he can't give me the real one, the one that sings to me "nothing's gonna change my love for you" or "i finally found someone" in an off toned voice and yet, he'sproud of that (he thinks he's a very good singer...hehehe), the one who cries to me and says, " my heart is aching," the one who calls me up at four am before he goes to work and tells me i will be in his thoughts and that he will miss me so. ahh. i miss him again.

i knew inch does because that was one of the things i loved about him. hes; the type who would write me poems and long letters telling me exactly what he feels. you see his insensitivity. it's evident. he will treated me like a queen, as if i was on a pedestal. he literally worships and adores you. he's just one of a kind. but like any other men, he also have his "negativity" which i discovered later.

"oj," on the other hand, is the type that doesn't express any words but it is obvious inhis actions that he is showing a "caring gesture." i think he is more like me. i don't say "i like you" or "i love you" to anyoen unless i really mean it. besides, it takes me a while to blurt out those words. just to give you a taste: it took me half a year to tell glenn i loves him. speaking of oj, i have been thinking of "oj" lately. he left to the philippines for vacation. he's a very good friend. i don't think i would go for him because i don't want to destroy a friendship. i guess, i just miss his company.

people i have dated (too many to mention) have been calling me the past weekend and today telling me how they've missed me. what's that supposed to mean? does that mean they liked me? eww. most of them thinks i am fun to be with. there was this one guy who begged me for a kiss. i hesitated. but i agreed to give himoen anyway for " a very a fine evening." see, i don't know if they wanted the kiss for sensitivity's sake or just for the reason that it turns them on. i know for sure, i do it for sensivity's sake. i kissed them because they deserved it. but that's where it stops.

so if these men, if they really want me, they have to take all the risks, double their efforts, put on their sensitivity caps, bring out the "casannovas" and the "hopeless romantics" within them and pursue me with the best of their abilities. otherwise, no chance baby. what can i say, i am a hopeless romantic,t oo. it just takes all these hardwork or more for it to be evident.

question of the day: is he/she sensitive about your needs and desires?

Sunday, June 10, 2001

i have a pol sci exam tomorrow. so once again, i have to hit the books.

just a quick shout out to maff. i know you read my blogs everyday. i was wondering how you've been. call me up soon. i hope and pray you are okay. hugs and kisses to alyssa.

speculating

charm and claire started teasing me about glenn. they started asking questions about glenn... questions i have avoided to answer for such a long time. i 've always talk to both of them about glenn. they started asking me about the girl in philippines. the last time i talked to glenn about it, he mentioned she is not calling him anymore. i just don't understand why she previously called glenn and told glenn he was the father of the baby and then after strenously ruining every single thing in glenn's life, she stopped calling. if there was one thing that i can depend on glenn is his honesty. he would rather tell me the truth rather than to hear it from anyone. i trusted him with whatever he said. but it doesn't mean i am taking the fact out that he broke my heart. i still want a proof it's not his...perhaps, a paternal test. but i will deal with this later.

once again, i am speculating. it was odd because the night i missed glenn, i dialed his number and he answered the phone with not even a ring. he just answered the phone. he told me he was just dialing my number on the other line. we actually called each other at the same time. maff once asked me if i coudl imagine what would my life be with glenn if we ended up being together. if there was one thing i was sure of, i knew he will take good care of me and our children. glenn adores children. in fact, he has more than a dozen god children. and every christmas, he would ask me to buy him gift for his "children" as he calls them.

is this possible? i am missing him so much. yet, i've been goign out on dates with different guys. do you believe in soul mate? if there was one person in this world who i can describe as my soul mate, it would be glenn. it's just we are like jigsaw puzzle, we complete each other in every way you can think of. if i am absent from his life, he would be partial. and i can't function as well as when he is with me. i can't hide the fact i still love him. but i am so afraid to let him know. at the same time, for the past few days, i have been sharing "special moment" with someone in particular. but i can't call it love. i can't call it like either. it's superficial. it's plainly getting to know him.

i have also been thinking about going to hawaii for my birthday. but i can't trust myself with glenn. what if we do things...things that we're not entitled to do anymore. i am quite sure we will. if i wanted him, he wants me twice as much. he wants me so bad to be with him again. but how can i? i am not compeltely healed yet. will our physical relationship heal my emotional wounds? i don't think so. it will feed my sexually thirsty self but it wouldn't cure the damage done to my aching heart.

all these speculations are in my head. i have a feeling i will be stuck with this the whole week. perhaps, the date with _______ can help me erase the confusion and just take away all the thoughts.

out with charm

it has been four long months since the last time i was with charmaine and my god daughter kayla which was on kayla's christenign back in january. just to really mention how long it has been, kayla, who is now a year and two months old, can walk and talk. i mean, she can say, "hi ninang"( godmother) and can point out to different things and creatures and actually know their names such as "dodie" for doggie, birdie, "bata" (kid in tagalog).if you ask her what her name was, she smiles and responds, "kah-la" (for kayla). i literally have to chase her now that she is walkign faster than i even thought. the last tiem i saw her, she was barely crawling. whew, even my mother was impressed. we are talking about a year old child here.

well, it was claire's daughter cj's birthday today. so charm, shane, kayla, and i drove an hour to norwalk to be at the child's birthday party in a park in cerritos. well, i met coupe of people. it was mostly catching up on the old times. i miss my god daughter kayla. we bonded so much today. she held my hand tightly the entire time we were together, she played with me endlessly, she didn't even care that her mother was away because she was with me all the time, we laughed together. it was so fun. she mingled with the kids and i watched her play with them.

boy, how time flies so fast. just past a year ago, i was helping charm out getting her prenatal care done and now, kayla is walking and running and picking flowers and pronouncing it as "plawers." i really feel old. sometimes, i am thinking how much i love kids. i used to talk to glenn about havign our own kids someday when the time is right. it was strange because right after the party, charm, shane and kayla hang around our pad and watched the laker game ( by the way, LAKERS won again!). and ironically, while i was thinking about these specualtions about kids. the phone rang. coincidentally, glenn called, kayla picked up the phone and charm instructed her to say, "hi ninong" to glenn. and glenn started giggling.

well, it was a day with plain fun but yet, i enjoyed beign in the company of people who i knew for a long time and people who stood up for me through thick and thin. .

Saturday, June 09, 2001

collect and select

guy: seems to me that you're looking for someone to marry. why not just have fun and live life?
len: i have been living life at its fullest since i was 13. i have manage to live wild. now it's time to get serious on life.
guy: but why are you so picky on guys? why do you give them a hard time?
len: because i've dealt with so much "pinheads" in my life that i don't want to partake with these nonsense games they have. besides, i was given the chance to choose the man i would rather have, so why not choose the best out of the applicants? wouldn't you?
guy: that's true. i agree. but still, just have fun.

would you get upset if one of your ex asked you to hook him up with ANY of your friends? i would. he's probably reading this right now, but i don't give a damn. that's just messed up. i won't even have the guts to ask my exes to even know any of his friends. but that's ewww. it's a total turn off. it makes me think i really choose stupid guys. and that need to be change.

there's a very good reason why i am not blogging as much the past few days. but ahmm, i will have to tell the reason some other time. it's just it's too early to even say anything right now. i will give you a clue though. it has something to do with a guy...not too special yet, but special enough for me to stop blogging (har, har, har). i wish i can spill you the details but i'll spare it and shut my mouth for the moment. besides, i have yet to get to know him.

Wednesday, June 06, 2001

in cardio kickboxing class today...

nancy: norie, you're so smart and yet, you're humble.
len: i'm not smart. i just work my butt off.
steve: norie, you're a freekign nerd okay.
nancy: just smart and nice and all. u stay your ground.
steve: a freeking nerd'?!
len: what's this "pick-on-norie" day?
steve: no, norie, i'm just saying...you're the dorkiest of all dorks!
len: eww....wait til term paper comes, steve....you goin' to take that back.
steve & nancy: LOL

HAPPY 25TH BIRTHDAY GLENN!

i decided not to get glenn any gift for his birthday this year for the fact that i didn't want to cross the boundary between "more than friends" and simply, being "friends." during the past years, on every special occasion, i manage to give him gifts of all sorts. this year was probably the only time i didn't give him anything just to formalize the idea in his head that we are not together anymore even if we wanted to. however, why would i forget the birthday of the only person in this world i loved (take note, past tense) the most? though things has not been exactly been the best between us this year, it doesn't mean i am taking him off my "special people" list.

well, i waited until 12 midnight in hawaii and about 2 am here in los angeles and then i called glenn. suprisingly, he was awake. he told me he couldn't go to sleep and he had just read the letter i sent him. he mentioned the contents of my letter gave him all the emotions he can ever have: he felt loved, but at the same time, saddened by it because we are not together. he uttered he was expecting me to go to hawaii on his birthday to surprise him because i am that kind of person...spontaneous and full of surprises, but mostly, thoughtful and generous.

all this time i talked to him, he constantly reminded me how i met him four years ago. and how i blossomed from a rebellious gangster into a strong willed woman full of hopes and dreams to accomplish. i can sense he was glad i called btu at the same hand, he realized how old he's getting and how i am not a part of his life anymore.

glenn: i had no regrets loving you. things are different in a way because of the past events that occured. does that mean i love you less? no. i didn't stopped loving you. i just kept myself away from loving you because it is not the right emotions to feel. as i mentioned many times before, i am being a martyr here, glenn. if only ....if we can only rewind time and reverse the actions that took place. but the problem is, we can't. i am still dealing at letting you go. maybe, things will be better someday. right now, this is all we can ever be. but please know, that i am here...no matter what. still listening, still caring, still thinkign of you, still missing you...and behind my "i-don't-care-about-you" attitude, still loving you secretly.

Monday, June 04, 2001

mere attraction

well, at church last sunday, there was this guy i am quite sure i met before but i rarely talk to him. it's just over the past few years, i don't quite find him "attractive" or "appealing." i believe i've seen him last year or was it the year before that on eunice's (my church friend ann whom i consider my little sis) debut.and i knew i was introduce to him once but as i said, it was always a simple "hello" that goes on between us.

that all changed on sunday. we had a guest filipina pastor preaching. from how she was introduced, i believed she used to be the senior pastor heading this guy's church which is st. paul's united methodist church(st paul's UMC) in tarzana. well, this pastor has then been retire and she is now serving as one of the UMC missionaty from the states to the philippines and she was currently reporting here for some missionary seminar. her stay will only be immediate as she is scheduled to go back to PI.

well, so at the service, a lot of people visited from tarzana and the guy i was eyein on was one of them. the first time i saw him enter, he looked at me and i, well, avoided his stares but i was secretly checking him out. he's one of them men that i like. well, physically, he's not normally one of the guys i would go fo becaus ei go for guy's who are chinky eyed and fair skin. but ah, change is good. i must say, his body structure has so much resemblance as glenn's: lean, muscular, and built. but he had round eyes and tanned skin. yet, he was cute. i think i admired him more because of his behavior: quiet but friendly, smart, and not too boastful. how did i found out all these? well, first, because he is eunice'c cousin (how lucky can i be?=)) and then second, because i was eavesdropping. ..hehhe.

so during the "passing of the peace" part of the service, where i was supposed to say "peace be with you" with my neighbor, i looked at him. okay, i must've have stared at him longer than i should. but it was embarrassing because i think he saw me looking his way. so i pretended i was shaking hand with someone. then oh my gosh, he was comign my way. i blushed...i just don't know if he noticed. okay, he is going on my way. i will be the first person he's going to go up to and say ,"peace be with you." well, you have the understand the logic of our sitting arrangements. we were on both ends. i was all the way in the left side and he's all the way onthe right side by the door entrance. why would he go all the way to my side and shake my hand just to say "peace be with you." i mean, there were people right next to him, near him where he could have easily reach for their hands and do the same thing? why would he walk all the way on the other end just to shake my hand. i would want to think he is also a bit attracted to me but i would be dreaming. well, i have been anyway.

so yeah he came up to me first, held my hand, looked at me straight in the eyes, and shook my hand. "peace ve with you, " he said. i smiled. "peace be with you, too," i replied. he smiled back. he has this hesitant and yet, charming smile. oh my gosh, the whole service , i was looking at him. and then every time he would look my way, i'll look down. you can just imagine how stupid i looked. i am not good at this "flirty looks" kind of things. i was practically melting everytime he looks at me. there were several times he caught me staring at him and he would smile. i hated that. my, i was a complete moron there. he must probably thought i liked him.

after the service, i noticed he had a cane. then i heard from eunice, he just got into a car accident and he was barely recovering from a sprained knee. then why did he walked my way when his knee was injured and he could barely walked? initially, i noticed he was walking unsymmetrical. he was kind of limping. but yeah, now, i knew that was because of the car accident. aww, poor thing. he's so cute...even with his cane. i think he was too shy to join us. i was with couple of my church friends.

then well, it was finally time to leave. i had to leave because my mother was bugging. darn me, i forgot to ask eunice what his name was. besides, i don't even know how will i tell eunice "you know, your cousin was cute." eww. she's going to laugh at me. i'll see her on sunday. i heard our senior pastor at church is offering a job for the filipina pastor for our church. if sheends up being in our church, wow, can you imagine? i will see him every sunday. another one of the wonderful reason why i should go to church.

i left....then i saw his dad, and his dad smiled at me. oh yeah, i did found out his last name. now, all i need is his first name. hehehe. aww, he is soo cute. as i always tell maff, " ahmm, i don't love yet, I ONLY LIKE..." hahhaha. hope to see him again.

Saturday, June 02, 2001

RRrrr. I miss you, PONY.

FOR THE ONE PERSON I LOVED THE MOST

I can write you long love letters. But I don't think I will ever have the nerve to give it to you. Someday I will be better at dealing with expressing my love for you. It's strange because I am letting the whole world know how much I still care for you, how much I loved you and yet, I leave you clueless. One of these days, I will let you know. Perhaps, I will let you read "my silent reveries." But for now, I am posting qoutes of love and hope because I don't have enough guts to tell you. Perhaps, also because my heart is badly beaten and I am still mending my dying soul. I am so afraid to love again. Someday, my love, I will be able to tell you all these...when my heart is ready to love you again.

"Missing you is only half the story. Hope the other half is you missing me."

"To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing

Love comeforteth like sunshine after rain."
William Shakespeare

"Let men beware of causing women to weep; God counts their tears."
Hebrew Proverb

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear."
I John. 4:18

"Time will prove my love to you and cement my place in your heart forever. For time will give me the credibility and the believability that I need to convince you to want to spend the rest of your life with me. That I am worthy of such a commitment from you."

"I'd like to meet you in a timeless, placeless place; somewhere out of context and beyond all consequences

"I cannot show you I love you. Time will show you I love you."

"You are but an angel and I a mere mortal. We are worlds apart. I must love you from a distance."

EMPTY ROOM

In my heart, there's an empty room, waiting to be filled.
There's a dark room waiting to be lit.
In my heart, there's a heart that's been numb.
It's beating and yet it's waiting to be loved.
In my heart, there's a yearning to care again.
I am waiting and yet, no one cares.
In my heart, there's an empty room,
just waiting....waiting to be filled again.