i talked to glenn couple of days ago and once again, the issue of him being possibly the father of the child from that girl he had a one night stand with in the philippines was brougt up. i debarded myself from expressing and deliberating my views on this issue. when glenn querried for my judgement, i chose not to enunciate my notion. i decided not to construe what i felt because it was hurting me. it was best for me to leave it unuttered. although i sense he knew my heart was aching.
i warded off myself from experiencing more twinge. i have been enveloped in so much torment and yet, i can't fight anymore in a battle i am aware i have the possibility to lose. this is probably a fight wherein no matter how vigoriously and powerful i struggle, i will eventually collapse and fall considering that i was the one stepped on and stoled a lover from. but this is the reality of life. we win some, we lose some. this is their time and mine still awaits.
being in glenn's arms used to be my escape. i thought he loved me for everything that i am and i thought i can freely be who i longed to be in his company. i deemed i was his only love, the one he will marry. but i was fooled by his romantic gestures. i forgotten how men can be assholes sometimes, that they have the hunger, the drive, the urge to even just taste, or "explore" other women. i overestimated glenn's faithfulness that i disregarded that he, too, was also a mere mortal that can be lured and provoke into having a so called "casual, one night sex" with another human. and this is the result of his action. perhaps, a new baby glenn or a female version of him. and i, i am left with a shattered heart, unanswered questions, and a life filled of broken promises.
now, once again, i craved for solace. i long to have a refuge where i can cry, whom i can confide all my sorrows and tribulations. in a world where chaos existed, it is so difficult to find this place...or person. i was lucky once to find it once in glenn or in vince. at times, i catch this placid comfort when i sit infront of the porch and i stare at the stars at three in the morning, or when i watched the airplanes fly in and out, or when i eavesdrop and listen to the rain otuside when it's thunder storm season. i am once again tortured by this lonely speculations that glenn is not mine anymore and that i have to find an effective way of persistently convincing myself to wake up and makr that into my stubborn head. right now, i wish to experience the hush, the peacefulness, and calmness of my heart and mind. that's all i ask for now. i pray for a better day. my Lord, you're the only one who can provide me with an answer. in Your hands, my Savior, i give all my troubles. grant me peace and serenity and a someone who will take my pain away. only you, my Lord, can erase my loneliness. only you....
posted by pinay freestyle @ 4:22 PM
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