Sunday, July 29, 2001
oh yeah,
happy birthday to me!!!
thank you to all of you who remembered and emailed, called, texted (on the cell), sent e-cards...i really appreciate. thanks for reminding me i'm a year older!. my sister noreene and my cousins jumped me this morning at 12 am. francis sang happy birthday to me...(funny, i must say!). anyone...who was awake at my house greeted me happy birthday already. my cousins in the philippines texted me overseas to say happy birthday and some of my friends emailed me, too. thanks. it is appreciated.
my birthday wish? i have something in mind. but i'll let you know if it comes true. i'm quite living it now ..at this moment...but i want it to last.
well, i am off to san diego again to head off to sea world. yes folks, i decided to take my birthday bash to sea world and be a kid again...er...or at least, feel like one. anyway, i had a prebirthday bash with frank last friday until yesterday who treated me more than a queen. i have overheard that my friends supposedly have a surprise birthday party for me...but oen of them (mickey!!!!) burned it! well, i have no idea when will that take place. but for now, i am with my cousins and family just to have plain fun. my cousins and aunties are driving up north to modesto ( an hour away from san francisco) on tuesday and i shoudl be following them on thursday and they will also throw a birthday party there for me. then we all head off to grandma fe's house in santa barbara and we'll see what will happen there. see, it's a week celebration, i tell yah. with this much family and friends that i have, i am having a blast.
what is good about getting a year older? the millions of greetings i get now from people shows what a good friend i was through out the years. for me, that is my greatest accomplishment...just to be able to reach to one person and make a difference. other things comes second.
well, ciao peeps. gotta go to sea world now!
miss you sweetie....you owe me a chicken dance!!!! hahaha.
i was with francis..finally. there's a lot to say...but words are not enough to describe my emotions and thoughts right now. i think i still have to wait for the situation and memories to absorb in.it was pretty good. if it's good enough, i can't answer that at the moment. i do miss him and there's no place. i'd rather be but right next to him. but ahh, i can't decide that right now.
this entry is recopied from www.tearyeyes.diary-x.com
27 Jul 2001
apprehending coward
i'll see you tonight. i will be with you...tonight. i am ALWAYS able to face my fears but for some reason, this one is really kicking in my stomach. my chickenheartedness is rising above me again. and i'm terribly scared.
i'm terrified of what will happen tonight. will this flourish as planned ? or will it fade just like the rest? will you back up all the words what was said and will it be done? or will it be just those words...without meaning (because you might fidn something in me negative).
should i hope for the best or the worse? should i hope for love or a broken heart? wehn you look into my eyes, will you feel you wanted me? or no, i am (and feasibly, never....) meant for you? worse yet, should i even hope at all?
will you hold my hand? will cuddle with me? will you treat like your queen? will you tell me words that you have said before? or will i be ignored and taken forgranted?
ahh. fear and cowardice...it's slowly eating me up. i am trying to remain brave here and yet, this frightening trepidation is swallowing me whole.
where will we go from here? where will we start? will we be couples? or will we be "JUST friends?" will this be and end? or will this be a beginning or something we have both dreamed of?
i'm terror-sticken. i am so terrified that not only the butterfiles are floating aroudn my stomach but they are all over my body causing me to shake and panic.
ahh...whatever happens, happens. i'll cross my fingers and not expect anything. if it works, what a nice birthday gift for me. if it doesn't, it's just another lonely birthday ...i'm used to it. i have had it every year. i'll just let it be. Lord, You hold the keys to all these speculations. It is You who will decide. No matter what it is, I will accept it with all my heart.
Tuesday, July 24, 2001
clear thoughts
yesterday, my best friend maffi and frank talked on the phone regarding an issue that concerns maff. gosh, listening to frank explain to maffi men's point of view regarding "issues," made me rethink why i said "yes" to frank couple days ago. yeah, there's a lot of people around me who are wonderful and frank is definitely one of them. but there's more to him than that. he's so honest about his feelings for me, about the mistakes he made in the past, and more. he's also caring and loving...and VERY understanding, witty, and knowledgeable. yes, he has his own flaws that i saw already but his charms are overpowering the negativities i see in him. i wanted to give him a hug because he showed how concerned he was to my bestfriend.
in addition to that, i opened up my thoughts regardign the previous entry. things like i am so scared. but he assured me he felt the same way. and that we were in the same level. he said he cares for me so much that he would want this bond to work. who wouldn't? there's nothing i wanted so much but to be loved by someone i will loved back. and i see this potential with frank but i am so scared. but he assured me he will take care of me....no matter what decision i make regarding him...and us.
in fairness to frank, i did tell him about ron ( the other "wonderful" guy...heheh). but i secured him with the surity that i am NOT with anyone. and that if there's one man in this world i am giving my full attention to, it was him. it was an amazing conversation. one of the best conversations with frank. i am just glad he took this load off my chest. it looks like i am right after my decision after all. but there's more to come and this circumstances will judge if this bond will blossom into love.
thanks sweetie, for being understanding. miss you. and pormise, i will take care of you.
Sunday, July 22, 2001
i have not talk to frank. i am feeling skeptical about the decision i made regarding him. am i ready? part of me is still in doubt. but perhaps, because of the fear. but ahh, i do not know. i have met someone about a month who is as wonderful as frank.these past few days, i realized...i think he is even MORE wonderful than frank. he's not of the same race as i am but he's still asian. and in many ways, we relate...our pasts, the people we grew yp with and dated....many things. but frank, i do not knwo what we are. all the guys i liked anyway were wonderful. but i am just too picky with guys. and right now, my being fidgety about guys are kickign in with frank causing me to doubt my decision. i hate feeling this way. i feel as if i have no guarantee. i mean i care for him deeply and i know he cares for me but i want him to care for me even greater because that's what i need right now. i need that security that he is here to stay. i need the comfort that he will not leave. am i paranoid? i don't know. anywayz, have to jam now because i have to wake up tomorrow for school tomorrow. on the good note, i do miss him though.
Friday, July 20, 2001
jeopardizing?
i miss him. i terribly miss him. why do i feel this way? i had missed someone before but not to this extent. then at the same time, i feared. i feared for my self. i am afraid of what is instored for me and frank. should i worry? i mean, engaging myself in a brand new romance scares the crap out of me. but if i let him go and he found someone new, i would kick my self in the butt for not giving this opportunity for romance to blossom. it's there, right in front of me, all i have to do is grab it.
gosh, he's so special to me. sometimes, when he tells me how wonderful i am, how he finds everything he wants in me, i become terrified and stunned because it seems that i really don't deserve his praises. too many guys took advantage of my kindness, too many of them came into my life and left me with a paralyzed heart, unable and weak to love again like it used to. will frank become one of these statistics of jerks? i am frightened. it's like i am climbing up a tall tower unknowingly aware of what lies on top, what is there for me.
worse yet, i am putting my heart in a menace again. i am compromising all the time and effort healing my heart and soul that i worked very diligently and hardly onthe past few months. will he be the one? willl he stay with me through out the tough times? will he be able to stand with me through out the thick and thin? i need someone who is stronger than me. right now, he is showing me every little good thing. but is that enough? or will he turn into someone i will regret later? i hope not.
i am gamblign my heart again. i agreed to be frank's "seeing" partner. whatever that meant, i really don't know. i am supposedly one step away from being his girlfriend. well, i am risking all cards here and putting it all on the line. whatever the outcome is, i am entering at my own endangerment.
Lord, if you have given frank to me, please give me a good sign that he's here to stay. or if he was meant to go, i will probably accept it anyway because i will never regret making him a part of me even for a short while. but Lord, i am only here to hope and pray. it is still YOUR will and YOUR blessing that will fulfill my desires to have someone love me as much as i will love him. i am leaving it all to YOU, my Lord...because the honor and the glory lies under You. under circumstances this romantic chance will not work out, i woudl still be thankful to You because i know deep in my heart, You have someone/something better waiting for me/awaiting me.
Thursday, July 19, 2001
oh yeah, i'm leaving to san diego tomorrow for our family reunion. i don't think i will be back until sunday. so i guess, i'll have more stories for you soon. ciao.
scared for love
last night, frank asked me to be his girl. my first reaction was i am not ready. and why me? he said because i am unique and wonderful in every little and big ways that on,y his heart can define. i started having unwanted flashbacks of my miserable relationships from my past particularly with glenn...all those tear-jerking nights i cried my butt off, the dreary moments when he told me he has someone new, the depressing self pity i felt when he cheated on me and when he got "her" pregnant...all these hurt started haunting me.
i knew frank was waiting for an answer. i like him so much but i don't want to make an "overnight" decision for something i am not fully prepared for. i am gambling everything here. i worked so hard to be able to stand on my own feet because i had just began to learn how to be strong when glenn left. i now have wings to fly again and maybe, i owe it all to frank, too, but i'm dead frightened of the outcome if ever i made the wrong decision. yes, i am aware that everything in life requires taking risks and i should not let this opportunity to be loved by someone whom i knew cares for me dearly and i feel the same way just pass me by...but does anyooen understand... i am so scared. i am just chicken shit scared
i am sure i like frank so much. that, i have no problem. i just need a guarantee that i am not putting myself up to be hurt. but see, i will never discover that unless i pick this chance to be with him. he's wonderful, he showers me with tender loving care, he's thoughtful, calls me at 6 am to tell me good morning and he'll miss me and he'll be thinking of me, accepts me and my imperfections, ahh...what else can i ask more? for now, just enough time to think through things. i already promised him my next weekend. it's actually the weekend of my birthday (
july 29, sunday, i turn 23).
so, i left it unanswered but i also explained my reasons to him. as usual, he understood. i just need time. i told him i like him the same he attracts me and that he needs not to worry about that. but it's just things in life like love...or risking everything for love, requires major contemplating.but it's just a little hint...i might end up saying YES...but not now. perhaps, on my birthday? we'll see. sshh, it's our little secret. frank is clueless! i'll keep you guys posted.
Tuesday, July 17, 2001
looking through the eyes
something bugged me regardign my conversationw ith "sweetie" ( okay, his name is frank) last night.i told him how i am always uncomfortable looking to a man's eyes. i mean, i can look at it but i can't stare at it. or is it teh way it stares at me? oh well, i don't really know. it's just i feel as if i was being stripped down naked when people especially men, stares at me. feasibly, i feel conscious about myself.
anywayz, i mentioned this whole issue with frank last night. and then he blurted that he
loves lookign through the "girl he loves' " eyes
( was he referring to me? ) i asked what is it about the eyes that he has to stare at. and yes, as wonderful as he is, he said, there is so many things you can tell through a lady's eyes. it can be "gosh, I want you, i love you, you're everything to me" or " gosh, i am not feeling anything...there's nothing there."
as he was telling me this, i wondered what he feels looking at or through my eyes. can he peek through the voices in my heart by looking through my eyes? will he feel the same emotions i feel just by staring at it? will he see my fear? can he sense i am afraid? does he feel "gosh. i want her" or "gosh, there's nothing there?"
like everything in life, i do not know the answer. perhaps, i will be able to claim the answer to these questions when the proper time comes along and if frank and i will end up to be with each other. i just don't want to jinx any romantic possibilities. it's more like..."let it be." right now, i like him so much. and i miss him more than i should. and for now, i am contented with that. so i am leaving it to fate...if there's such thing...i'll simply "let it be."
Saturday, July 14, 2001
for you....SWEETIE
while at the pier in pismo beach, we talked about you, sweetie. it's odd. we discussed the guys that were in our lives right now and instead of talking about glenn ( whom i was with for four years), i talked endlessly about you. what is about you that gives me the chiils and the thrills? they asked me what if you wanted to have sex with me? i said, i don't think you are after that at all. right now, i am discovering more of you as each day passed. and more and more, i am getting attracted to you. not only do you appreciate my humor, my wits, my kindness...but you also accept my flaws and my imperfectness.
as the cold air filled chilly breeze to my body at the pier last night, while some bystanders were firing firecrackers up in the air, furnishing colorful and mesmerizing art works in the midnight skies along with the amusing patterns of the stars and the bright moon set above us, i began to think of you. how wonderful you have been, how you are sooooo good to be true that if this was a dream, i don't want to wake up. the night was almost picture perfect...you are the only one who can complete the magic...and make it real. i wanted you there as i was watching the waves raced to the shore. i longed for you to hold me close because the oozing breeze kept me freezing. i desired to walk with you and alk with you along the quiet coast..just hand in hand.
am i falling for you? i really hope not because everythign is too fast. i am for getting to know you well. i am for...enjoying the thrill, and the romance, and the smiles, and the stares, and the stolen kisses and shy grins...ahh...sweetie...i am just...thinking of you more than i should and i think i should stop before this leads to something i will regret. but how can i get rid of your thoughts when your lustful charms are overpowering me? you are everything i want...more than i ever wanted from glenn. sghould i forget you? should i push this feelign away teh same way i secluded myself from other guys?
perhaps, no. because you make me happy. right now, that should be enough for me. that i am wearing a priceless smile because you made me and i want to thank you.
miss you, sweetie. see yah soon.
here at santa barbara...my cousins are hogging up the bathroom. i just took a shower btu i need to blow dry my hair so while waiting for their slow butss to get done, i decided to get this quick blog done.
sex talk
this is quite self explanatory. we went to pismo beach last night and smoked our butts off until early dawn. i have no idea what lead us to talk about this nonmalicious sex talks but we started it at the beach while we were smoking.at first, it was supposedly just an innocent conversation where tin, geng, and i talked about sex. i mean, we all talk about sex sometimes. but our "openness" to each other gt heavier as dealt with the circumstances we've engaged in. for instance, one of us (let's call her "kerri," )did " it " with a married man and now another married man is after her. and "darna," (another one of our codenames), admitted she "plays" with herself, and one of us, with an alias of "les" have done it with a woman and a man, so technically that makes her bisexual. now, it is up to you, which one of these three was me because i am not telling you. but yeah, my cousins are shocked of my "sexual adventures." i mean, eahc one of us underwent extreme sexual behaviours and measures for curiosity's sake. last night until this morning, both of my cousins are showing me how their nipples looked inverted and asked me why mines full and boobiefied. eww. i don't know. i am suppose to answer this? i didn't. it was weird. well, i have so much more to tell you but i'll leave that for now. it's quite eccentric.
Friday, July 13, 2001
leaving...
to santa barbara with geng to do some soul searching again and "find" me again. well, we're going shopping at glendale first and then to camarillo at the ralph lauren outlet then off to the coast. and visit cousin tin and albert in santa barbara. supposedly we're going to pismo beach tonight. i like it there. it's quiet and nice, good palce to mend a soul.
whats been up with me....
***speaking of geng, i was with her last wednesday. we went to jollibee and we saw dec and john (out former friends in high school) and some lady who had nothing better to do but stare us down so we left without saying. i hate how los angeles (well, i was in carson) is such a small world. every goddamn asian knows their fellow asians. yep. anywayz, we left and went to del amo mall instead. i was gettign scared because i might see vince there. i didn't ( it sux!). but you can just imagine how bored we were. we took those sticky pictures together. geng was nto satisfied with just one shot together so she suggested we take one solo pix of us and we did. it was hilarious. then off to express. i was trying to buy those half sleeve tops. and geng said taht it looks good on me because i " have the boobs " to carry it. then she insisted she wanted to try the same top that i had on already (we were on one dressing room, ok, it is really quite odd gettign naked in front of your cousin you grew up with all your life...it;s just she was too comfortable with me....i have to keep some sort of modesty for myself you know...), and so i had to take the top off so she can try it on. so she had it on and i just started laughing my ass off because her other "breast" is falling off the half sleeved top. she said she needed more meat in her boobies in order for it to fit perfectly like it did on me. and then she keeps pulling up the cleavage part of the top because her boobs were literally hanging. it was so funny. the sales ladey was practically annoyed of us. she was probably wonderign what the hell were we doing inside
the dressign room. we had more but ill let you know later.
***i am smiling for some odd reason......welll........because i have a "sweetie." hahaha. i'm not with him(not yet). he just calls me that. i think i like him a lot. i never felt this open to anyone but glenn. funny thing is, i used to miss glenn and now, i don;t even think of glenn. it seems that the situation is reverse lately. glenn is now obsessed of me. hahha. well, he calls me more than he should. and ahh....my "sweetie." *sigh* *biggger shigh*. i miss him so much. he was begging me not to leave today. he even asked if he can come with me next week to the family reunion. gosh. why is he sweeping me off my feet? i told him that i hate to admit that his "bolas" (sweet talks) are working. hahha. he introduce me to his cousins and friends as his "future girlfriend." he said, i am everything he wants in a girl. ewww. rrr. im blusing now.
oh well, i have to go now. geng is pickign me up on 20 mins. see you peeps. ciao.
sweetie...I MISS YOU
i miss my "sweetie." i had one of the best conversation with him last night. check out
TEARY EYES on the left. hmm, see you soon.
guarantee.......
someone (LOVESPELL, you know who you are...) in particular who is very close to me is hurting. i know i will never be that efficient to be able to take away all the anguish in your heart, maybe i am also not aware of all the pain you are going through at this moment, i can't say i can comprehedn every sorrow you are experiencing now, but all i can guarantee is that i am here for you ALWAYS and that you can ALWAYS count on me.
Tuesday, July 10, 2001
i was going to discuss something here regarding a "someone." but it's too early to actually decide right now. i think for the time being, i will just give it proper space and time to florish and blossom. who knows, it might blossom into a romantic "whatever." for now, HE is making me smile and it means everything to me right now.
relief
AB was man enough to make the first move and give me a call. so we talked. i mean, after my "walking out" drama with him a week ago, i thought i will never talk to him again. yeah, but he called and i was suprised. we were able to discuss our emotions and feelings and as well as clarify things that we weren't able to do. i feel so relieved. i mean, i mentioned how i am not very good at dealing with this romantic things in life. and he understood my fear and he made me laugh and we still cut down each other. in fact, AB asked if i was hurt. i wasn't hurt. i thought he was hurt. but he said he is okay and i assured him i was fine. we talked about being friends (again) and wherever this may lead, so be it. for now, we are going to enjoy each others company like we always do. we're planning to hang out maybe this week or next. but it's a definite thing. i knew he was always one of them good boys..hehhe. thanks AB. i wish i can make you read this. as i said, when the time is right.but i missed your company. i hope to see you soon.
Monday, July 09, 2001
i started the second session of summer school today. it was great seeing joy, megan, mickey, sheila again. hold up. maff's on aim...be back soon
Sunday, July 08, 2001
what do they know
i face the world with a smile, no one knows what is hid inside.
they see only happiness, they cant see the tears I've cried.
when i am alone i hurt, because here i do it well.
in front of all the watchful eyes my heaven turns to hell.
the judge and jury awaits me, everyone has a say.
in a life that hangs suspended for yet another day.
who are they to judge if what I have done is right or wrong?
in the end I gave him up, but inside still feel his song.
i don't know how to find the strength i thought i had.
i am standingbecause i need to, because i must,
if only i could play tough it wouldn't be so bad.
they say that life goes on and someday i'll smile again.
but, how do they know my pain without being where i've been?
ive traveled so far from home, and can't find my way back.
somewhere along the way i must have jumped the track.
he calls me everyday and his laughter and giggles are still the same.
he still sound so sweetly, but never spoke my name.
i wonder if he thinks of me as much as i though of him
it hasn't been that long but the pain in me grows immensely strong
he may have a new "someone" now, but i still sing our song.
Thursday, July 05, 2001
i was bored so i started a random thoughts and unsent letters for anyone in particular at diary-x.com. it's a nice therapy since i hardly tell anyoen what is inside my mind. well, besides this blog and all, it's quite a relief to share your untold emotions and thoughts to the world.so look forward to that.
thanks geng for the pep talk. i'll see you next weekend when we go to santa barbara and snata maria to visit cousin tin. i am looking forward to spend time with you there. i badly need to get away.
oh yeah, have anyone noticed how bored i am that i keep changing the lay out of this blog site? well, at least, i am spending my time in a productive manner.
okay, what would you do .........?
.......when your mother nags every freekin' morning, getting to impatient asking you when are you going to finish college, when you have told her one millionth time that in a year!?
.......when you miss someone you want to be with but YOU can't be with because there are situations that hindered him not to be with you?
......when you wish you have a bestfriend in the same state/country you are in so you can do normal "bets friend stuff" but you can't because...we're just too far from each other?
......when your whole life is designed to be in routine, everything you do is on a schedule and rarely do you have time to say, " i love life"
.......when you longed to be loved and yet, if a someone is there, and you're not over with your ex, you decided, you are not ready for anyone, or is it just because you're looking for the qualities your ex have in him?
........when sometimes you feel there's just no hope anymore? when the your last portion of strength have faded?
.........when life is just so hard to deal with and the struggles grow harder and more difficult as each day progress?
i feel like all o fthese right now. i have no one to share my problems with. i tackle each and every one of them as if i was super woman and i can solve it all by myself. have i given up hope? i don't think so. it's just i think hope gave up on me because i don't see anything that i can look forward to anymore. if i am not hurt, in pain, or in sorrow, people who loves to put me down rejoices in making my life more miserable. where do i turn to? to the Lord. He who listens to my outcries above and as i always do, i patiently wait. though at times, i am so tired and weary and i wish the Lord will put an end to it soon. but it seems to me that He has outlined a purpose for me.whatever it is, i have yet to discover. i am anticipating and i am getting restless. will i hang on? well, at the moment, i have no other choice. i will hang on until i can, but i am on the verge of quitting.
i just found out that my friend eloi from the philippines actually read my blogs.
hello eloi!!! how are you? keep emailing me. i'll do the same
Wednesday, July 04, 2001
happy fourth of july!
i hate how my neighbors who are predominantly asian are lighting up their fireworks. rrr...i'm nto a big fan, sorry. it's actually gettingon my nerves. so far, nothing is up. i am currently on carbo and protein coma with so much food stuffed in my body right now. anywayz, i am being a lazy bum and i love it. nothing much is up, really. well, we bought a new toyota sequoia (limited edition) so i guess, that's a good thing. what have i been doing? well, check out my URL . i improved my webpage in aol. so chekc that out. maff, i have something there for you. other than that, i have no life. heheh. anywayz, gotta jam. bored like hell.
Monday, July 02, 2001
with AB
yesterday until the wee dawn this morning, I was with AB. think whatever you want to think. whatever it is, i probably will just keep those things in private in fairness to AB. but as far as i am concerned, i didn't go beyond my limitation. i stopped at the "boundary." It felt great being with him talking about life...just talking and enjoying each others wits and knowledge. but i am so confused right now that when he dropped me off this morning, i acted cold, i gave him a hug and left the car. i tried so hard not to even turned around. but in reality, i stopped myself from savoring emotions for him. last night, we cuddled and hugged each other all night. it's so carefree. it has been a long time since i felt that sensibel response from someone. i can be totally be me when i am with him. he takes good care of me. i missed being hugged and cuddled and he certainly filled those empty spaces of longing ...of feeling special.
but...now, that immense fear kicked in again. i have to stop liking because i am afraid to put myself in a position wherein my soul and my barely healing will be jeopardize. perhaps, i am not ready for another someone. but at the same time, i certainly don't want to push him away. both AB and i are healing our hearts, only, his situation is plainly shallow than what i experienced. but he still have issues to resolve. my issue with glenn has long been over and we're just in the midst of repeating drama but his is yet to be answered. and that's probably the i am scared of. i feel as if the emotions i feel for him ( if there's any), are not secure enough. i do not desire to go through the twinge i had been through. i have just encountered hell and i do not want to go back to that suffering again.
i am feeling mixed emotions right now. i decided earlier that i will stop seeing him for my own good. but when he looked at as i was walking away from his car, i felt i have hurt his feelings. and knowing i have hurt someone who means so much to me, is the most difficult reaction to deal with. i know he is for keeps. but the question is, does he sense it the same way? i don't wanna risk it. yeah, life is all about taking risks. but right now, i have no strength to have a shattered heart again. i am barely and still wobbly walking with my both of my foot on the ground and i can;t manage to fall right now. no ones going to pick me up but me if ever. i don't want to lose him or puch him away because he's special to me. but i think, form the way i acted this morning, i just gave him that impression. i told him i will be going to las vegas ( well, im not sure yet but that what he knew) and he will be in san diego today.
what should i do? i thought of writing him a letter. but what am i going to say. i don't even know what we are in the first place. i can't get my thoughts organized. i can't unscramble the puzzle in my head and heart. AB ..i wish i can tell you everything right now. i mean, it's just hard for me to express what i feel because i don't know what i feel. i am sucha chicken shit with regards to my emotions. i am such a coward when i couldn't tell you to "please stay." it's just i don't know whether i want you to stay ...or leave...leave me alone. this is giving me all the head ache. i haven't even slept since yesterday morning. i am literally a walking zombie with lightheadedness.i dont; even knwo how i had the strength to go to school today ( andtake note, i took cardio kickboxign and had an exam) knowing i was awake more than 24 hours. but really, AB, i wanted to thank you for a wonderful evening..for making me feel special in every way i can imagine. i knew you felt the same way. but this morning, all i can do is look at you and leave. and i beg for your forgiveness.
why? because it was the easiest way, because i was gutless, i don't have the balls to open my mouth and tell you what i want, because i am terrifed of the outcomes, because i am scared when someday you can't be there.
ahhh, i can't deal wit these right now. i am aware this will haunt me again and the torture won't stop until i resolve it myself. i'll wait fro him to call. at least, the calm in me would probably have kicked in by that time. right now, it's time to clear my thoughts and have some sleep. i hope you'll call me soon because i will never have the guts to call you.
p.s. i miss you already.
