yesterday until the wee dawn this morning, I was with AB. think whatever you want to think. whatever it is, i probably will just keep those things in private in fairness to AB. but as far as i am concerned, i didn't go beyond my limitation. i stopped at the "boundary." It felt great being with him talking about life...just talking and enjoying each others wits and knowledge. but i am so confused right now that when he dropped me off this morning, i acted cold, i gave him a hug and left the car. i tried so hard not to even turned around. but in reality, i stopped myself from savoring emotions for him. last night, we cuddled and hugged each other all night. it's so carefree. it has been a long time since i felt that sensibel response from someone. i can be totally be me when i am with him. he takes good care of me. i missed being hugged and cuddled and he certainly filled those empty spaces of longing ...of feeling special.
but...now, that immense fear kicked in again. i have to stop liking because i am afraid to put myself in a position wherein my soul and my barely healing will be jeopardize. perhaps, i am not ready for another someone. but at the same time, i certainly don't want to push him away. both AB and i are healing our hearts, only, his situation is plainly shallow than what i experienced. but he still have issues to resolve. my issue with glenn has long been over and we're just in the midst of repeating drama but his is yet to be answered. and that's probably the i am scared of. i feel as if the emotions i feel for him ( if there's any), are not secure enough. i do not desire to go through the twinge i had been through. i have just encountered hell and i do not want to go back to that suffering again.
i am feeling mixed emotions right now. i decided earlier that i will stop seeing him for my own good. but when he looked at as i was walking away from his car, i felt i have hurt his feelings. and knowing i have hurt someone who means so much to me, is the most difficult reaction to deal with. i know he is for keeps. but the question is, does he sense it the same way? i don't wanna risk it. yeah, life is all about taking risks. but right now, i have no strength to have a shattered heart again. i am barely and still wobbly walking with my both of my foot on the ground and i can;t manage to fall right now. no ones going to pick me up but me if ever. i don't want to lose him or puch him away because he's special to me. but i think, form the way i acted this morning, i just gave him that impression. i told him i will be going to las vegas ( well, im not sure yet but that what he knew) and he will be in san diego today.
what should i do? i thought of writing him a letter. but what am i going to say. i don't even know what we are in the first place. i can't get my thoughts organized. i can't unscramble the puzzle in my head and heart. AB ..i wish i can tell you everything right now. i mean, it's just hard for me to express what i feel because i don't know what i feel. i am sucha chicken shit with regards to my emotions. i am such a coward when i couldn't tell you to "please stay." it's just i don't know whether i want you to stay ...or leave...leave me alone. this is giving me all the head ache. i haven't even slept since yesterday morning. i am literally a walking zombie with lightheadedness.i dont; even knwo how i had the strength to go to school today ( andtake note, i took cardio kickboxign and had an exam) knowing i was awake more than 24 hours. but really, AB, i wanted to thank you for a wonderful evening..for making me feel special in every way i can imagine. i knew you felt the same way. but this morning, all i can do is look at you and leave. and i beg for your forgiveness.
why? because it was the easiest way, because i was gutless, i don't have the balls to open my mouth and tell you what i want, because i am terrifed of the outcomes, because i am scared when someday you can't be there.
ahhh, i can't deal wit these right now. i am aware this will haunt me again and the torture won't stop until i resolve it myself. i'll wait fro him to call. at least, the calm in me would probably have kicked in by that time. right now, it's time to clear my thoughts and have some sleep. i hope you'll call me soon because i will never have the guts to call you.
p.s. i miss you already.
posted by pinay freestyle @ 12:29 PM
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