SUBSTANCE
Saturday, March 31, 2007
substance

i went on a date with a guy who claimed he liked me for a while a week ago. i can't even explain how terrible the date was. let's just say, i warned my friends to stand by and keep their cellphones close by so they can pick me up just in case i am ready to desert the asshole and and leave him there - alone. yes, it was that bad!

it's not worth talking about him so i will not discuss how disgusted i am and disappointed in him. besides, that will even boost his ego so i am going to refrain from giving him his own free publicity. i am looking at it in the bright side, as mamu stated, "it was meant to be NOT TO BE."

in that particular date, he attempted to touch based sensitive issues that irked me. he said he didn't want kids ( i love kids!), he mentioned that women who are over 25 should marry now because "they are not like men...who are biologically capable" ( i beg todisagree, i worked in the medical field and i am fully aware of my patients in their 40's having babies - besides, there's always invitro LOL )and even worse, he said he'll take me to a club next time so "i can lose weight" (for his information, it took me a while to embrace and love myself and i am not going to change because some jerk prefers an anorexic b*tch).

and so i asked him while he busted out with negative remarks, why was he in a date with me again? he uttered he always thought i was someone he liked because i'm fun to be with, always never a dull moment, that he knew me, his family knew me, his friends knew me and they told him i'm a great catch....blah-blah-blah. it ws too late for me to be impress. he made such damaging statements earlier thatwhat ever he said, it's all bull, of course.

i left that date...and never turned back. i never even called him. when he attempted to call me, i texted him back and told that we're two different individuals that will never work out. so i beg him to just leave me alone.

as it was once said, sometimes, we have to be careful to judge the book by its cover. the cover might be attractive and intriguing but that book better have something good to offer inside. otherwise, it's just another boring book feasting on dust on a shelf.

i might not be a beautiful eyecatching cover of a book...but darn it, when you open this book called ME, you'll discover that i might be simply plain from the outside but in the inside, i am a book filled with SUBSTANCE.

kami lamang
Sunday, March 18, 2007
KAMI LAMANG

lumubog na ang araw and palubog na rin ang buwan, ngunit ang mga mata'y pilit pa ring gising. hindi man lang madalaw ng antok. buntong hininga bawat minuto.

marami akong iniisip. marami ring gustong ipahiwatig. maraming gustong alalahanin. maraming salitang tinatamasang bigkasin.

damdamin at puso ko'y sumisigaw. subali't ako lang ang tanging nakaririnig. lenguaheng ako lamang ang nakakaintindi. kaya nakatago at tinatago na lamang.

sapagka't maraming matang nagmamasid. mga taong pilit inuungkat ang istorya. ang akala'y alam ang naramramdaman ng nagsusulat. akala ay may karapatang makialam.

subali't ang katotohanan ay ito'y istorya ng aking buhay. ke masaya o malungkot, ang bawat titik at salita ay pintig ng aking tutoong nararamdaman. kung ano man ang aking isulat, sinusundan ko lamang ang sabi ng aking isip at kabig ng puso.

walang sinumang makakaramdam ng malalakas na kabog na yon kundi ako lamang. gayun pama'y wala rin sinumang dapat makialam sa aking totoong opinion sa mga bagay ako lamang ang nakakaintindi. wala ring sinumang may karapatang humusga sa akin.

ako lang at ang May Poong May Kapal lamang...

kaming dalawa lang...

kami lamang...

dear boy; HOW ARE U?

dear boy: HOW ARE YOU?

dear AB,

i miss holding your warm hands while walking around the football field of vannuys park while you were letting me cry over a broken heart.
i miss how you bring me bobas at nights when i am feeling bummed and sad.
i miss how you take me out at 2 am when i am craving for zucchini fries and pastrami sandwich.
i miss how you cooked lunches for me and bring it at work for my coworkers and i to enjoy.
i miss how you bought me an emergency car kits on the nights " i might be stuck in the road."
i miss how you nicknamed me, "sunget."
i miss how you're not ashamed to watch chick flicks with me and never admit you were tearing up.
i miss you loved smelling my hair or how your fingers played with my curls.
i miss having your scent in my pillows.
i miss watching you sleep.
i miss how you avoid my stares when i caught you looking at me.
i miss snapping pictures with you while stuck in traffic.
i miss having breakfast with you early in the morning.

there were so many times i wanted to pass by your house and check how things are going with you. it was something i did for the last eight years. i wondered how work, school, and like is treating you. i wondered if you are coping well with it.

now, it's been nine long months and i've been avoiding to even be around your area.
it's been the longest nine months....
it's been nine freakin' months...

and god, i still miss you.

i pray things are well and that no matter what, you will hold a special place in my heart.

<3,
"ms. sunget"

DATE NIGHT

DATE NIGHT

"have a great night and drive safely," i said to him, without looking him in the eye. i stepped out his car and i didn't even look back. i opened our front door and did not even look back..i did not even say goodbye.

i went out on another date with JL tonight. it's been past a year since the last one. he's been bugging me for months and out of pity, i finally agreed to go on a casual date tonight. in all honesty, i didn't even want to go out. i was trapped in another situation that instead of going to a place i didn't want to go, it was of a better choice that i go out with JL. and so i did. but i was okay with it at first, but as the night grew deeper, i felt awkward. by the time the night ended, i felt awful.

it's strange because we had so many things in common. for instance tonight, we were both wearing brown hoodies with a funky patterned engraved in our sweatshirts. we both like karaoke, panda express' orange chicken, starbucks' caramel macchiatto, city walk, and the list go on. we're in the nursing field, we're both religious. even at some point in our lives, we were physically attracted to each other ( i think he's still attracted to me).

he has always been amused of my clowny humor. even tonight, he never stopped laughing at my lame jokes. at one circumstance tonight, when he cracked his fortune cookie open, it even stated, "happiness is right next to you." and he looked at me smilingly, and read it aloud again. he mentioned i was the one making him happy. he uttered he loved being with me because i am fun and chatty. for about 8 years or so, we've always had chemistry.

but not tonight.

tonight, i found out that not because you have the same things in common, it means you can blend in easily with each other. not so. i discovered tonight that i am not attracted to guys who tries to like things i like. i am not into men who goes along with my flows of interests. i'm not feeling the type who attempts to please me because he thinks that's what i like so he pretends he likes it, too.

perhaps, there were other intriguing factors. it must be the way he asked me to go on another date in a dance club so "we can dance" and also so you can "lose weight" or when he commented that did not want any children in the future. it might be when he mentioned that who else will go for me int he next five years if i ended up going to med school (since i'll be "old" then). or was it how he is too confident about having such a great voice, so confident that he enlisted himself to audition to a filipino singing contest but when he blurted out a song, he was out of tune!? but i saved the best for last, he slipped that there was even a point in time when he thought he and "his cousin" (she's a family friend but they call each other, "cousins") almost ended up dating but it's just it was awkward then because they have always been family friend. why was it worse? she was the one hooking us up! trust me, i am just telling you the nice parts of the story.

i realized i wanted a man who is independent and unafraid to make his decisions for his woman ( i.e. place to go eat, movies to see...etc). i want someone who is not so like me: who can be different that our indifferences complement our personalities. i want someone who is spontaneous and unpredictable just does not ask me to go into dinner dates and movie nights all the time. i want someone who can surprise me, who can make me laugh ( and not just me busting out with all the jokes all the time), who will walk right next to me and not even say anything and yet, i will feel the butterflies in my stomach. i want someone who will NOT just tell things i want to hear but words that really comes from his heart and my heart will then skip a beat.

i want to fill the butterflies, i want to feel the fast heart beat, i want to have the sleepless nights, i want to experience the homesickness of hearing his voice or holding his hands, or his sarcastic ways of giving you pet names....

tonight, with JL, i felt empty. as in zirch, zit, nada, zero.

for right now, no more other dates with him. that's the reason why i didn't even look back when i bid him good night. i didn't even give him a hug.

i just don't want to pretend. i'd rather be alone and single BUT HONEST. i am not going to make him hope for something that is not there.

and that is why, for right now, this might be goodbye.

i'm back to square one of singlehood. and for the first time, i am enjoying it.

party hardy
Friday, March 16, 2007
party hardy

when i got back to physical therapy today, i had a long lecture reminding me to elevate my foot and to minimize activities right now because we're trying to eliminate the swelling. yeah, i know, in my head, i swear, i was going "yeah, uhuh, blah, blah, blah." even worse, i gave the therapist the evil grin and laughed when he asked me where i was this past weekend. i think, he figured i was lying to him because he stretched my foot and ankle up to the max that i was limping and back onmy reliable crutches again when i headed home.

how do you actually stop the self confessed party girl to stop going out just because she broke her foot? i was running out of alibis. i can't explain.

normally, in a typical "len" world, when i was not injured, i don't even know how did i even have the time to squeeze in partying on friday, saturday and sometimes even sunday nights along with 12 to 16 hours a day fri-sat-sun weekends at work. on top of that, i am a full time student who is at school from monday to friday. sometimes, i would work from 7 am to 7pm, go home just have a change of clothes and at 9 pm, i am out in a club or holding cocktails on a local pub. and then, professional me, would show up at work the next day at 7 am with eyes all puffed up from the lack of rest and sleep. often times, i gave up my 2 fifteen minutes breaks and my 30 inutes of lunch just to get my needed snooze. that is me, normally.

lately, while i am slowly but surely, recuperating from my injury, i've been saying "yes" to numerous parties, gatherings, dates ---whatever! - --on the condition that i will not drive. meaning, these people will send someone to pick me up. and most of the time, i have three or more people calling me reminding me that they are my designated driver for that particular day and time. and since the past 30 days ago, the parties has not stop accumulating!

like the past month or so, maffia (my bestfriend from vegas) has been travelling here in los angeles on almost three consecutive weeks. and that means late nights are spent at our favorite hodori and montecarlo. on days, we're at the beach or just shopping the day away or watching movies! (by the way, she is here again in town along with d and alyssa and at hodori right now, as i am typing this --- tomorrow is either beach day or hodori day...you figure, i'm just game for it. that is why iam resting the foot right now).

just three weeks ago, i was sitting lazily sun with my feet tucked comfortably under the hazy sun with lotte at long beach's belmont shore while sipping a cup of starbucks' caramel macchiatto and spending the day away talking about love, life, future and guys.

last weekend, i was able to attend to brent's baptism ( ate rowena & kuya arnel's firstborn) in pomona under the summer like weather of 100 degrees celcius. of course, being the leo that i am, along with marivic, whose also a leo herself, we pulled in fashionably late in her bright red mercedes bench. fashionably late meant two hours late from when the party started. and as expected, when we showed up, half of my coworkers were there. i missed them. there was a lot of catching up to do, lots of food and lots of gossips and tons of fun. we stayed there until the moon set in.

and just when i thought it was over, cesar (maya's hubby) decided since we were in pomona anyway, which is 10 minutes drive to ontario mills, where the 10 and the 15 meets, we shoudl head out to 'dave and busters.' just when i was asking what in the world is there in a 'dave and buster?', i found myself pulling into a huge parking lot filled with an array of cars, and when we entered dave and busters, i was mesmerize of how awesome it was to have a wide variety of selection of things to do for adults.

i swear, the best way for me to describe it was, it was chuckie cheese's version for adults! again, i sip on strawberry daiquiri and apple martinis blissfully and sat on a bright red leathered chair, right next to the bar, while i watched my fun and spontaneous co workers (maya and cesar, marivic, ms. fab jen, herself and hubby harvey ) munched on firehouse hot buffalo wings, monstrous french fries, and gooooeey mozzarella sticks. that was heaven! no matter how tired we were, we never ran our of stories to tell and jokes to say. even the drive home was a blast.

was that over? nope, i woke up extra early on sunday because marivic bugged me to go house hunting in the heart of san fernando valley. just for starters, since we had the aweful hangover, the realtor took us for a much needed coffee and ensaymada breakfast at goldilocks. we checked out the houses, and flirted with some hunky potential neighbors (uhum!). i thought we were giving up on going out but when we decided to head to LA's chinatown on a sunday lunch at asian noodles, we could not resist the idea of shopping at chinatown for some cheap bargains. yeah, with foot swollen and aching and all, we spent the day away again shopping for chinis-ey indulgements. by the time i got home, i was exhausted.

my weekdays consisted of days with the physical therapists. yet, my cell phone did not stopped ringing from invitations of people asking if i had plans after PT. afraid that i might get in trouble with the PT, i declined the invitations one by one but failed to turn every single one of them down. monday - i had lunch at chinatown (again!), tuesday - i was at the asian mall in sunwset boulevard.

and yesterday, wednesday, i spent a lazy afternoon at ate norlita and joyce's house. feeding my self on brocolli & shrimp salad, mechado, frilipino style fried chicken, and NO rice. they just arrived from philippines and so i had a healthy dose of stories from them. there's nothing better than hot melted cheese, chilis and jalapeno dipped nachos while catching up. i tried to skipped the rice but i found myself eating bilo-bilo (filipino desert made of molded rice cake, sweetened banana & yam and tapioca) while not realizing it was already 2 am when i finally convinced them i should go home!

today, marivic and i went to costco staright from PT and just when i was entering the front door of the house, my cell ring and maffi was inviting me to meet them in hodori! i passed for he night. i needed to rest foot. yeah, right. i still had the time to give ariel a little walk around the neighborhood while watching my street at country club be filled up with star wagons. they're supposedly filming another episode of "beauty and the geek" ( they film it here in our neighborhood for those you are not aware - and no, i have not seen ashton cutcher yet). but as always, tomorrow is reserved for maffi! anything again!).

one of my ate's (big sister friends) complained that i might need a secretary soon because in order to see me, she had to go throught the list of the days and dates in order to be booked on schedule with me. and i laughed histerically. but on the real though, my friends and family have to call me in ADVANCE in order for them to even see. hahah. i feel bad but i would liek to be able to accomodate others.

what's next to come? damn...so many things.

well....PT, DR's appointments, medical stufff are the priority....

maffi tomorrow....redondo or beach hopping....

veijas casino/shopping outlet sometime this week...i have yet to confirm...

charm's party on the 24th....

ichad's performance that same day...

aileen and dah are showing up that same weekend from up north...

tentative las vegas with maff....the week after that

tentative mexican spring break with lotte....

tentative dates with...HMMM...secret.

THE LIST GO ON....

how's that for a lady with a broken foot's intineraries? hahha. imagine if i was normally walking? i would be out of california by now!!!

hahaha.

okay, i think, i blogged too much on this entry. i just wanted to share you what has been going on with my super crazy life. it's the normalcy i enjoyed strangely. welcome to my world.

=)

arena
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
ARENA

in the battle of life, it is NOT the critic who counts; nor the one who points out how the strong person stumbled, or where the doer of a deed could have done better. it is not the one who watches you while you go through your own battles.

the credit belongs to the person who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again,because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; who does actually strive to do deeds; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotion, spends oneself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement; and who at worst, if he or she fails, at least fails while daring greatly.

far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those timid spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.

spiritual reveries: H O P E
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
spiritual reveries: H O P E

here's the situation....

you have zero balance in your bank account.

your boyfriend cheated on you and left you.

your family is a mess.

your grades in school are going downward.

your jobs is like hell.

you're lonely and sad,

you're loveless,

you're moneyless,

you're hopeless....

but have you ever thought of other people's difficult struggles?

here we are, we're whining about money when other people are in the hospital just praying for another day to live?

here we are, we're crying about a guy who ran away and didn't love us back and there are people on the streets who can't even eat once a day?

here we are, we're bitchin' about our chaotic families but have we ever thought of the street children who just wants a family to call their own?

here we are, we're worried about getting good grades and getting decent paying job, and other people are dealing with the pains of losing a loved ones?

how selfish are we? how selfish that we just think about ourselves? how selfish are that we only worry about the clothes we wear, what restaurants to go to, what place to travel?

how do you tell people who struggle to find hope in a life filled with misery?

i cried today after reading an email of a person close to me who felt hopeless. i cried because i felt like i can't help her. last night before, i went to bed, i am sombered by a news of a girlfriend who told me the health condition of another girlfriend. i'm saddened by it becaused i know the signs and symptoms and the prognosis of that condition. just minutes ago, tears fell from my eyes again because i know another friend of mine is still constantly healing after a loss of a family member. and i asked myself, "how do i help her?" and i realized, i couldn't. she has to heal on her own...in the right time.

and i'm thinking of a jerk who broke my heart? i felt stupid.

SHAME ON ME.

and then out or nowhere, i found myself typing these verses to one of the people i mentioned above...

"they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles. they shall run and not be weary; they shall run and not faint." (isaiah 40:31)

"strengthen ye the weak hands, and confirm the feeble knees."(isaiah 35:3)

"i will not leave you comfortless; i will come to you." (john 14:18)

that is all i can do. all i can do is pray for them...pray for life, pray for health, pray for healing, pray for HOPE.

in my difficult times, and when i am tired and weary, i always think of the wonders around me. and then i remind myself (the same way i ended my response to that lonesome email), as long as there is a sun that shines, as long as the wind blows, as long as the birds fly, as long as the rainbow comes after the rain, as long as my heart beats, and i breath...with all these every day blessings and miracles, and more....

i certainly believe there is H O P E.

when all is gone and out...

there will always be H O P E.

so keep praying for those who needs it.

but above all, keep believing.

PRAYER: Lord, when the our world is in gloom and we feel tired and weary, may we realize the miracles of your love for us. remind us that as long as there is a breath of life, then there will be hope. if there are trials and bad days, give us the perseverance to remember that "this, too, shall pass." sorry for our selfishness and forgive us for our shortcomings. i asked you this in your most precious name. AMEN.

papa bear

PAPA BEAR : FOR MIKE " MARVEL"

he never sleeps at night. that's why icall him VAMPZ short for vampire.

he's a spoiled mama's boy (ooopps,don't get mad!) - she babies him buthe loves his mom even more! and is not afraid to show it.

his mom calls him "dugyot" and i'm notgoing to explain why. he might kill me.

he's our " iron chef." he taught me about gyros and how to cook chickenmarsala.

he's "mr. writer." this guy can writeso deep. he writes what he feels and he writes from the heart. his writings will touch you.

he's "piano man," he plays the pianoso well but i think only a few people know that.

he's my version of the singer D'Angelo - he sings as good as him. He'sthe asian version of him. I swear!

he's "mr. lullaby" - he loves to singyou lullabies until you fall asleep!

he's "master music engineer"-he's theman who created music, lyrics, beats,raps and songs behind famous rappersand singers.(don't forget my escalade when you get famous! )

he's "mr. dancer" - there's nothing like a guy who can groove into anything. he's that man!

he's "papa bear" because he is the human teddy bear so soft and cuddly.

he's "lover boy" material - heattracts all sort of girls...i swear! i don't know why he has not settled for one yet.

he's "mr. congeniality" friends and homies flock his pad because he's that friendly.

but for those he touched and loved andcare for, he's simply MIKEE, MIKE, MR.MARVEL....

someone who looks all thugged up buthas a heart of a giant,
someone who loves being with people,
someone whol oves with all his heart,
someone who forgives people who hurt him,
someone who is my friend...no matter what.

so just want to say, HAPPY BIRTHDAY,MIKEE! papa bear....

I wish you all the best and that you find true love
because you give somuch of yourself to others.
You deserve to be loved the same say.

God bless!

gem stoneGEMSTONE

GEMSTONE

i have this memorable gift from a special friend. it was a handmade wood carved letters of my nickname. it was made of maple varnished wood with the carved letters painted in yellow. i loved it so much because i know it was created and given from the heart.

and there, she was, the gift giver, on the bottom corner of page 2 in her burgundy reddish top.
even then, i liked her because she reminds me of me back then: timid and shy but surprisingly super funny. she taught me so mcuh. and i learned so much from her.

my writing skills improved because she made me write muchy love letters for the boy she crushed/loved back then.

my math grades were great because she made me copy her homeworks. we even cheated on some quizzes and exams on ms. leja's 6th period geometry class.

in the heat of the morning sun, we outrun each other around the laps of the football field, we blocked hits of the dodgeballs, we jumped up and down, tumbled, twisted and turn in gymnastic class under ms. parker's 1st period PE class.

sitting on the ten step stairs near the main entrance gate of thomas starr king middle school, we shared many memories: laughed until our stomach hurts, gossipped about life, love, people and things, confided secret crushes while we munched on our lunches.

when i moved to another school, she chose to keep in touch unlike the rest. our telephone conversations lasted from midnight to dawn. she listened to all my woes and stories. she called me often and updated me about her and other people's life events. she never failed to invite me on her parties. she always welcomed me in her crowd.

i can't imagine how she dealt with the most difficult moments of her life. she mended her torn self and broken heart after leaving her first real long term relationship. she bettered berself with education. she did it so well that she is loved byher peers and patients. just months ago, she was confronted by a sudden death of her dear brother...and she's slowly healing one at a time. just recenty, she decided to challenge herself because she loves herself and not because of the ugly remarks of others and improvements are showing. she's strong like that.

and i say, not bad from that innocent girl who hailed from naic, cavite...

ROSSINI,

i'm so proud of you!

you remind me of a hand picked mineral rock from a river. you just needed to be polished with the rough sandpapers of life in order for your true brilliant gemstone-like shine and beauty to come out.

it's been thirteen years of friendship....and i am looking forward for more. rest assured, that no matter thread of life you will go through, i am just here and i will never leave your side.

why?

because

ROSSINI,

YOU NEVER LEFT MY SIDE.

thanks for the always being there.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
love yah girl!

your pick!
Saturday, March 03, 2007
your pick!

two of my old girlfriends from high school recetly got engaged last february 14. three of my other guy friends married in 2006. now, i realized more than half of my friends are married. half are seriously taken. and a very few single, unmarried, unattached like me are left.

through all these ordeal, i am often confronted and bombarded with "when are you getting married?" questions by my family, friends and peers. and so often, i wished i had the answer to their querries. but i really don't. i feel like the man meant for me has not met me yet.

"what and who can he be?" they asked again. they blabbered about a man should have a sense of humor. they wished for me a man of having abilities to have courage, love, and forgiveness. even remarked the adjectives of consistent, generous, strong, responsible, and brave next to their names.

but how do we know that the men we meet have all these desirable qualities? do we always have to date and go out with a guy, have our hearts broken because we discover that the men we often seek are the opposite? these men put different faces for different people. men think they have to be all macho and pretend what they are not. i feel like, perhaps, there are better things to look for, things that can be noticed through any mask. so, who is real?

with all that noted, i decided to take a few things in consideration when choosing a mate who would define my "ideal man," in no particular order.

  • someone who love God with all his heart and soul. for without HIM, he is nothing to me. we are nothing.
  • someone who is a warrior of love - - - ready to fight for me even if it's against all odds. i will do the same for him. i'm tired of guys who can't stand up for his girl.
  • someone who my mother approves. she's a tough critic but heck, my mother knows best. he has to get along with my mom because my mom wants nothing but the best for me.
  • someone who is like my dad: generous (giving it all ), loving (my papa walks my mom to her car every night before she goes to work and kisses her good night), consistent (my papa takes my mom on weekly dates) and a great father ( my dad washed diapers, went to PTA meetings, cooked us breakfast ---all the motherly things, my father did that!)
  • someone who is not afraid to tell what is on his mind. someone who is not afraid to argue with me and admit he is sorry if he said or do something wrong.
  • someone who respects with mother and father and who adores his siblings and close to his extended family.
  • someone who will just be there....bring me lunch at work, walk my dog with me, sit with our foot tucked under the sand, watch a movie at home, lie right next to me all day on a saturday ---- someone who will make every excuse just to be with me.
  • someone who brave and is not afraid to try anything ---bunjee jumping, fast car driving, scuba diving, korean food, waxing (LOL), you name it. there's nothing so captivating than a man who is quite adventurous.
  • someone who is romantic --- dance in the rain, kiss in the middle of the street, write me love letters by hand...list can go on.
  • someone who can make me laugh and laugh with me.
  • someone who will hold my hand EVEN if we're eighty, old and gray.

my list is still work in progress. i'm sure i stil missed a lot of thing i'd want to enlist there. it can go on forever. while other seek for their perfect mate, the one who dreams of someone who never has a cloudy day, i strongly believe there is no such man.

i'm realistic. i know there is no such thing as the "the perfect man" just like there is no perfect woman. i don't want a man who just desires a perfect wife ---someone to cook, clean, do launry and look beautiful in his arms at his company's christmas parties.

i'm not hard to please. i might intimidate other gentleman because of my personality, my financial status, and my educational background. but if they took the time to get to know me, i am really just a simple girl who takes pleasure in simple things.

simply put, i want a man is committedly willing to be a husband. someone who will love me for being me, someone who will embrace my imperfections and who would have me other way.

but like i said, there is no such thing as "mr. perfect" whom i will check off every criteria i have on my list. but i am still secretly wishing there is who is perfect for me. and i'm praying i will meet him, "mr. the one." but i won't choose.

i know in my heart, mr right will come. so, maybe it's time to say, "God, i can't pick...YOU pick!"

i know you know better anyway.



mask
Thursday, March 01, 2007
mask

sometimes you just sit and think.
you wonder if he can see it in your eyes?
if can he tell you still love him?
if he can tell that there's nothing
you would rather think about than
the times he held you in his arms?
can he see the tears?
they sure are there...
along with the pain and the loneliness
that you bury deep down
so you're positive no one can tell.

sometimes you would give anything for a chance
to show him how much he meant to you.
you would give anything to make him understand...
but you smile through it all.

you talk like you always used to,
he texts you like he was still in love with you...
almost like the best of friends...
and every time he smiles at you,
a tiny little piece of hope springs up,
but you crush it before it can give you away.

so you hug him good-bye like it's nothing,
when all you want to do is hold on forever.
but you let go...
fake a huge smile...
and walk away...
then cry all the way home
because you know ...
it will never be the same.

because try as you might,
you can't make someone love you.
sometimes you have to let them go...
that is when love hurts the most:
when you have to wear a mask
infront of the one you love.
[note]
i wanted to reply to "his" calls or to his texts. i could not.i had no right to. so i wear this ugly facade: the unrealistic me . i wore it only to get rid of him... to erase the emotions i feel. i played it so well, the real feelings i have towards him were hidden and burried that only i know the honest truth. my heart is screaming. my heart wants him more than he will ever know. but...no...i must not. if there was one thing i can do is...write what i feel and unreveal myself ...even if it is only here. if he reads it...great. if he doesn't, at least, here, it's left unraveled. even if in real life, it is left unsaid

4 get me not

{i haven't talked about "him." i didn't want to, anyway. but i got this today on my cell. and i must have stared at it for five minutes or so.}

len.
could u 4get al d hurtful words that we've said?
could u just 4get d 4mer paths that we've tread?
could u 4get al d pain & al d tears?
could u please 4get al d foolishness
of my fears & insecurities 2 lose u?
hope u can 4get
and 4give all that we do,
because really,
i've tried everything &until nw,
i still can't seem 2 4get u.

[aww sweet. right? my response? no response. text DELETED. POWER OFF ON CELL. why? because it was the right thing to do.]

MY SILENT REVERIES
writing is my passion. i created silent reveries years ago to vent out things i could not tell the world. it was my private, modern tech approach to scribbling my thoughts and emotions in a journal. in here, i can feely be who i am. i could cry my woes, i can love freely, i can grieve over a broken heart, i can celebrate the joys in my heart, i can rejoice with my accomplishments, i can tell stories of remarkable friendships and unforgettable connections i made with extraordinary people SECRETLY AND SILENTLY without worrying people might judge me. i hid under the name PINAY FREESTYLE.

but eventually, some people gained access to my secret place. so i opened my doors to them in the purpose that i could inspire them: to be better versions of themselves and to share themselves to the world. slowly, i embraced my readers as a part of my life. i welcomed the strange idea that my untold life stories and unconcealed revelations could be of help to others, to love and accept themselves as they are. and i, i came out from the animosity. i eventually became just the regular LEN - the nickname my family & friends call me.

i developed stories of love, of letting go, of falling in love all over again. i made great friendships. but if there's one thing i was particularly proud of, it was my undenying love for the LORD. i wrote and made soul searching, heart wrenching entries i entitled, "SPIRITUAL REVERIES" which you will find many here. it was my productive way to heal myself from twinge and while i am at it, i could also mend others spirits along the way and bring them back up to par with their faith and relationships with God. it has not stop there. it's still a constant journey.

and so, for as long as i can, i vowed to tell my memorable reflections,i have unmasked the hidden me. and the seeking and searching of life's meaning and purpose is not over. LIFE is a long road of discovering. and i still yet to discover many wonders of this world and satisfy my unending curiosity. but be warned. you can either love me or hate me. but i don't care. this is me: sripped and bare as i can be.

so i invite you into my chaotic unperfect world. join me in my whirlwind new travels of diving into the unknowns. let me share my life with you all over again. come in, as i tell you my SILENT REVERIES.

love,
len


DISCOVER ME: who is the lady behind the blogs?



"I want to have a personal light, the glow of oneself that comes from sheer willpower, the light of someone who has made important sacrifices in the name of things I think are important."

---Paulo Coelho's "Eleven Minutes"

my name is len. people always tend to judge me without discovering who i really am. i might look intimidating, a typical shop girl, and i act like a crazy party girl on the weekend. but i actually have brains. and i own an even bigger heart. the truth is, beyond the louis vuitton bags, beyond the lavish parties, the excessive passion to travel and the desire to get to know the world, if you got to know the REAL ME, i am really just a simple girl. my only desire is to be loved for who i am.

"









REACH ME if you want to get to know me better, if you want to share your thoughts, if you want to be my friend, don't hesitate: you can find me at


::EMAIL ME @ AOL::
:: EMAIL ME @ GMAIL
::FACEBOOK::
::AOL IM: XLENDCX::
::yahoo: YM::
::MYSPACE::
PREVIOUS POSTS
Life update
Morning and Mourning Weeps
6 years.
2017 updates
I'm getting married!
ENGAGED!
3 years
To That Person I Fell In Love With When the Timing...
Beginnings
Reflection: $100 PER HOUR


DAILY DOSE OF ME my other blogs: in case, you're not tired of me yet =)


::GOOD THINGS::
life is all about appreciating the simple things

::YACKETY YACKS::
pinay chatter box: much ado about nothing =)

CONTRIBUTIONS articles and works i've done for other e-zines through the years




binibini.org: KEYCHAIN
binibini.org: FAREWELL
binibini.org: SA GITNA NG GABI

HABITUATE fellow bloggers who keeps me entertained and sane




::ernie::
::joyce::
::eric ahn::
::pammy::
::champuru::
::maldito/glenn::
::mica::
::tintin::
::batjay::
::rijah::
::carol::
::christine::

ADDICTION these are a few of my favorite things...




::louis vuitton::
::ugg australia::
::armani exchange::
::h & m::
::banana republic::
::target::
PAMPER ME in this stressful world, i need relaxation. places i hibernate to and hide away from the world. here are some of my favorite spots.




::olympic spa::
::pho siam thai spa::
:: raya spa::
::japanese garden::
::redondo beach::

FREQUENTS embracing life in los angeles: a day in a life in my shoes



::monte carlo cafe::
::THE GROVE::
::coffee bean::
::barnes and noble::
::starbucks::

GOBBLE GOBBLE [L.A.STYLE] food over matter los angeles style =)




::todai::
::sanamluang::
::hodori::
::alcove::
::portos::
::mayflower::
::tommy's::
::roscoe's::
::philippes::
::thai bbq::
::the pantry::
::pinks::
::koji's::
::kabuki::

QUERRIES i don't know everything. so these are the sites i go to answer my inquisitive inquiries, obtain html coldes, and upload my pictures.




::google::
::yahoo::
::ask::
::photobucket::
::blogger::

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