"have a great night and drive safely," i said to him, without looking him in the eye. i stepped out his car and i didn't even look back. i opened our front door and did not even look back..i did not even say goodbye.
i went out on another date with JL tonight. it's been past a year since the last one. he's been bugging me for months and out of pity, i finally agreed to go on a casual date tonight. in all honesty, i didn't even want to go out. i was trapped in another situation that instead of going to a place i didn't want to go, it was of a better choice that i go out with JL. and so i did. but i was okay with it at first, but as the night grew deeper, i felt awkward. by the time the night ended, i felt awful.
it's strange because we had so many things in common. for instance tonight, we were both wearing brown hoodies with a funky patterned engraved in our sweatshirts. we both like karaoke, panda express' orange chicken, starbucks' caramel macchiatto, city walk, and the list go on. we're in the nursing field, we're both religious. even at some point in our lives, we were physically attracted to each other ( i think he's still attracted to me).
he has always been amused of my clowny humor. even tonight, he never stopped laughing at my lame jokes. at one circumstance tonight, when he cracked his fortune cookie open, it even stated, "happiness is right next to you." and he looked at me smilingly, and read it aloud again. he mentioned i was the one making him happy. he uttered he loved being with me because i am fun and chatty. for about 8 years or so, we've always had chemistry.
but not tonight.
tonight, i found out that not because you have the same things in common, it means you can blend in easily with each other. not so. i discovered tonight that i am not attracted to guys who tries to like things i like. i am not into men who goes along with my flows of interests. i'm not feeling the type who attempts to please me because he thinks that's what i like so he pretends he likes it, too.
perhaps, there were other intriguing factors. it must be the way he asked me to go on another date in a dance club so "we can dance" and also so you can "lose weight" or when he commented that did not want any children in the future. it might be when he mentioned that who else will go for me int he next five years if i ended up going to med school (since i'll be "old" then). or was it how he is too confident about having such a great voice, so confident that he enlisted himself to audition to a filipino singing contest but when he blurted out a song, he was out of tune!? but i saved the best for last, he slipped that there was even a point in time when he thought he and "his cousin" (she's a family friend but they call each other, "cousins") almost ended up dating but it's just it was awkward then because they have always been family friend. why was it worse? she was the one hooking us up! trust me, i am just telling you the nice parts of the story.
i realized i wanted a man who is independent and unafraid to make his decisions for his woman ( i.e. place to go eat, movies to see...etc). i want someone who is not so like me: who can be different that our indifferences complement our personalities. i want someone who is spontaneous and unpredictable just does not ask me to go into dinner dates and movie nights all the time. i want someone who can surprise me, who can make me laugh ( and not just me busting out with all the jokes all the time), who will walk right next to me and not even say anything and yet, i will feel the butterflies in my stomach. i want someone who will NOT just tell things i want to hear but words that really comes from his heart and my heart will then skip a beat.
i want to fill the butterflies, i want to feel the fast heart beat, i want to have the sleepless nights, i want to experience the homesickness of hearing his voice or holding his hands, or his sarcastic ways of giving you pet names....
tonight, with JL, i felt empty. as in zirch, zit, nada, zero.
for right now, no more other dates with him. that's the reason why i didn't even look back when i bid him good night. i didn't even give him a hug.
i just don't want to pretend. i'd rather be alone and single BUT HONEST. i am not going to make him hope for something that is not there.
and that is why, for right now, this might be goodbye.
i'm back to square one of singlehood. and for the first time, i am enjoying it.
posted by pinay freestyle @ 12:56 AM
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