+++ MY SILENT REVERIES +++

Saturday, March 30, 2002

PONDER

i've mentioned that my work is a matter of staying up...so here are some quotes i ran into while at work.

"weeping may endure for a night, but JOY comes in the morning"
---psalm 30: 5

"joy is not in things, it is in US."
---richard wagner

romantically coping

well, here's my romantic status with AB: unhastingly dealing better.

barely breathing, barely awake

with the strenous demands of term paper, projects and the approaching mid term exams after my spring break, the energy wasting hours of 3 - 11 and 7am- 7 pm work schedules in a hospital setting, and the arrival of my overworked big sis yearning for a time off to rest, my four year old niece who runs & climbs here and there, and my six years old nephew who stayed in the bedroom & played video games all morning and all night long, all three from the philippines, and to add to that is the enermous amounts of household chores and other job interview i must i attend to in the upcoming week, i am practically dead.

my work is not much of a job. it's more of staying up. and i am guilty of not doing a good job at staying up because as soon as the clock striked 8 pm (on my 3- 11 shift), boom, i slept because i had nothign else to do.

when i am home, i am bombarded with errands. or i'm with the two little and adorable kids who couldn't get enough of me and wanted to play 24 hours a day.

homeworks, assignments, projects are piled up and yet, i procrastinate. i do not have the time to do it. well, if i did, most of my tiem were spent with my sis and my kins.

social life has been up for the past two months or so. i had been to the hottest parties and the steamiest clubs one can ever think of if they were in los angeles. in fact, all my weekends are booked except for this coming one because i had to work. we'll see how the rest will be.

with three hours of sleep and an overworked body and drained mind and emotionally tired heart, i am surprised...i'm still breathing.

i just realized glenn is getting married in two weeks, i have not talked to AB in roughly two weeks, i have not explored the "dating scene" in months, i do not think i am over ron ( part of me wants him still). eh. i told you, i am emotionally drained.

truth is, this new set up is a better way of disregarding what i feel. for the past week, i have been ignoring my twinge and i guess that is good because i have forgotten how to cry...to feel the pain. i am learning and teachign myself to feel numb and to redirect and refocus on things that are important and on people who loves me dearly.

i have yet to meet my someone special.

but for the moment, let me breathe...hmm. i'm still squinting my eyes....yearning for some sleep. so i guess, i shoudl go back to bed and catch me some.

ciao.

Sunday, March 24, 2002

I don't have the heart

on my way home right now from kayla's birthday party ( all the way in eaglerock, about 20 minutes drive from los angeles), i listened to this song over and over because not only the people at the party were singing it repetitively in the videoke, but also the love radio station , KOST ( 103.5 FM) kept playing it on the radio.

why did it caught my attention? well, the lyric meant so much and i can relate so much. i guess because it reminded me of what AB told me recently regarding our romantic status. so with no further ado, judge it for yourself.

I don't Have the Heart
(by James Ingram)
Your face is beaming
You say is ‘cause you’re dreaming
Of how good it’s going to be
You say you’ve been around
And now you’ve finally found
Everything you wanted and need in me

I don’t have the heart to hurt you
It’s the last I want to do
But I don’t have the heart to love you
Not the way you want me to

Inside I’m dying
To see you crying
How can I make you understand
I care about you
So much about you, baby
I’m trying to say this as gently as I can
‘Cause I don’t have the heart to hurt you
It’s the last I want to do
But I don’t have the heart to love you
Not the way you want me to

You’re so trusting and open
Hoping that love will start
But I don’t have the heart, oh, no
I don’t have the heart

I don’t have the heart to hurt you
It’s the last I want to do
But I don’t have the heart to love you
Not the way you want me to

I don’t have the heart (Ooh...)
(Baby, I don’t have the heart, I don’t have the heart)
I don’t have the heart (Ooh...)
(Baby, I don’t have)

I don’t have the heart
I don’t have the heart
I don’t have the heart
I don’t have the heart
I don’t have the heart

Friday, March 22, 2002

don't talk to me!

RRRRRrrrr. i'm so irritated.

i just got home from work. my feet are killing, i have a terrible headache, ihave not had breakfast, lunch or dinner, and i get home and there's no food, was running aroudn los angeles today, bought kaylah ( my god daughter) her gift, went to my bestfriend diane's work plave because charm ( my other bestfriend, i have three) will kill me if she finds out that i have not given the invitation to diane and tomorrow's the party, and i had a total sleep pf three hours ( wonderful, isn't it?).

worse yet, i had a busy night at work because my patient's relatives are annoying the heck out of me and i couldn't cuss them out because if i did, i'd lose my job, and....we were understaffed ( as always), and freak those korean nurse who couldn't speak english because i do not exactly understand what treatments and procedures they wanted me to do, i wonder, how in the world did they even get a license to practice nursing when they can't even understand a simple medical term such as " vastus lateralis" (outer thigh) or " fasting blood sugar" ( glucose level when you are fasting or not eating). wanna hear more? whear this, patients were refusing treatments and i'd be in trouble, too , if i don't make them get the necessary medicines and apply the needed procedures.

to add to these, i miss AB ( i really wonder how he has been...does he even think of me). i am dwelling in my past again, i am questioning why ron had to leave and what did i ever do to him to make him leave. and glenn, he is in the philippines now. he's set to marry any time now and as much as possible, i do not want to think about it but i do!!! RRrrr. and i haven't had sex for _____ hmm, ( okay, let's not talk about that, no one needs to know my sex life), this corn rows are itchy now....and if i get irkier, i swear, i'll take it off. ]

emotionally, i am hurt because of AB, because of the trauma of loving or liking, because i was not over the pain ron caused me and i am desperate for answers, because glenn fucked me over and i can't love the same way again, and i am scared to love, or even like.

spiritually, i am hangign on to HIM, to faith, to destiny ( if she exist), to magic , to love ( love will find a way).....

eh.

what a day. just one of them days.

okay, (*deep breathes*...then *exhales*) i am done with my whining and complaining and bitchin' now.

*sighs*

i think i just need sleep. it's good that i am off tomorrow.

whoa.

i feel better now. i just needed to let that out.

( i'm such a weird kid! lol).

process: mending a broken heart

people asked, " how does pinayfreestyle or len or ME mends a broken heart and heal a wounded soul?

i answer, " well, she overloads herself with enemous amounts of things to do such as working two jobs ( one from 3 pm-11 pm, one from 7 am-7pm, works full time err actually, more than full time...usually 16 hours or more, nothing less) , she goes to regisered nursing school full time (oh by the way, she wakes up at 4 am), she runs errands for siblings (dive them here, pick them up there, eh.. you get the routine), she does househodl chores at home (cleans the house, gas the cars, cook food for starving siblings and her tired momma from work and for her sick dada), and when time allows, she goes partying with her friends and most of the time, with total strangers. ( luckily for the past three weekends, she has been in 7 different parties and clubs scenes).

wow.

yeah i know. i just did all that just now. yep. i am a walking zombie.

i did all that just to...get over him. just so i can focus on the positive vibe, and not waste my time trying to weep on someone who does not want me in their life. although, okay, i wept.

another question: so what do len do to on her spare time?

she has no spare time! but if there's one thing she loves doing, she indulge herself with a grade caramel frapuccino from starbucks.

oh. before i go, i wanted to tell you this. at work today, patients were fine and there were no admissions. and so what did i do? well ( we, my cowroker and i...), i got me corn rows! i got my hair braided j-lo style. hehehe. i like it. my brother said i look ghetto. i like it. i don't care what anybody thinks.

adios.

Tuesday, March 19, 2002

stuck

he called me last night.

my reaction? of course, i was happy. but yet, mixed emotion invaded me again.

i want to see him soon.

i know, i know, i am such a martyr right now. and i hate myself for it.

Monday, March 18, 2002

my place in this world

the wind is moving,
and i am standing still.
a life of pages waiting to be filled.
a heart that's hopeful,
a head that's full of dreams.
but this becoming,
is harder than it seems
feels like...

i'm...looking for a reason
roaming through the night
to find my place in this world,
my place in this world.
not a lot to lean on,
i need your light
to help me find my place in this world,
my place in this world.

if there are millions,
down on their knees.
amounts of many,
can you still hear me?
hear me, asking,
"where do i belong?"
is there a vision,
i can call my own?
show me...

i'm...looking for a reason
roaming through the night
to find my place in this world,
my place in this world.
not a lot to lean on,
i need your light
to help me find my place in this world,
my place in this world.

Sunday, March 17, 2002

i - miss - you - blues

as much as i'd like to pretend i was perfectly feeling fine today, i was not.on fact, i was feeling terrible. i had a long talk with paul about AB and how i made myself feel like these and he said i created what i felt now. true. but at the same time, he mentioned how it's also good that i told AB what i felt because then now, i knew where i stand. i yearned to get back to my normal self---which is mainly JUST ME and no one else, but i find that too difficult to do when i've been spoiled spending my time with someone very special to me ( who also informed me that we can't be more than friends, not now.)

the nights especially affects me harder. i was used to sleeping with him right next to me. i think i am speaking for both of us when i say he's probably not used to not having me there lying next to him either. it's just when we sleep( i solely mean, SLEEP, in its literal sense, not more than that), we cuddle up until we fall asleep in each other arms. and it's strange because we wake up not only in the same cuddle up position but even closer. even difficult is that when i lie on my bed, i smell his scent everywhere: my pillows, my sheet, my comforter, my mink blanket. and i am sure mines is all over his clothes and his car. and as much as i ought to take him off my memory, even just for a miniscule of a second, i undeniably couldn't.

*pouts*

i miss how he held my hand tightly around his, how he complained how my nails are too long, and asked if they were natural ( yes, they are). i miss the no-holds-bar conversations---the enchanting ones when we talk just about everything under the sun (well, except what i felt for him) and the ones where i disagree with his opinion and then he later agrees with mine ( i know, i don't understand it either). i miss how he nozzled my hair and recognized the shampoo i wore. i miss when he watched me sleep and when he puts the blanket around me and hugeed me even tight to keep me warm when i'm cold. i miss when i wake him up early dawn to go to school or to pick up his mom. i miss how he asked how my every day went and how he bugged me when can i see him again. i miss how he uttered, "f*ck that ' veach ' " when he was mad. i terribly miss how he laughed at my jokes and how i asked him if he was sure he was straight ( ha ha ha ) and he'd give me that "wait-a-minute- did- you-just-call-me-gay" look.

waah.

i miss him so much.

worse yet, it's still a long journey to try not to miss him. nor think of him. but while i just typing that up, my mind and my heart longed to see him again. funny because i bargain that i don't even have to hold him, or hug him, i just...i just want to see him. i just contradicted my self with that. and i think that's the most difficult thing to overcome for now. because my conscience tells me to just be friends and to let my hopes of romantic parody go because it's better for me and him that way, my hearts states that i am so attracted to him, and not matter how i try immensely to not think of him nor think of him. i have to admit that i am so lame and guitly. i am doing a poor and terrible job at it.

one of these days, i'll better at it, i promise. right now, i am dwelling on my memories with him. besides, that's all i have unless out situation will have a complete rotation and the "liking" i have in him is reciprocated. as much as i want to hope, it's unlikely that it will happen. why? well, because, maybe i took it forgranted, he just told me yesterday, "he's not over her."

damn it. what's wrong with me?

stop it, len. erase it. let go.

oh boy. i'm it for a long recovering and getting to used to sleeping in my cold bed and being---alone. and it all starts NOW.

Saturday, March 16, 2002

silence

little words creates great impacts.

for the first time in my life, i let someone take a peek of my hidden emotions towards them. in my post before this, i mentioned i gave AB access to tearyeyes. well, erase that. last night, when i was with him, he noticed my awkward silence and asked me what was in my thoughts . according to him, i was "awfully quiet" and that he managed to annoy the hell out of me to tell him what was wrong with me.

irked by his annoyance, i made a condition with him that once i did tell him what was bothering me, he'd top asking me questions and levae that topic alone and we'll pretend that what i was about to tell him was never said. and he agreed. okay, that was cleared and out of the way.

with that said, i uttered, " i think i'm beginning to like you more than i should."

and then....

silence.

and then he asked questions. and i chose not to answer. i answered it with silence. i told him what i needed to say. and it was affecting our rapport in some strange ways. there was awkwardness and uncomfort between us that the best response i can give was silence.

and then he shut me down in one bullet. just one pull of the trigger...

" i am not over HER. i feel like my heart still belongs to her."

ouch. that hurts.

he asked, " are you okay? i don;t want to hurt you. i'm sorry..."

my response?

silence.

silence can do a lot. it creates a lot of things. just like little words or phrases affects numerous things. silence speaks so much. just like my silence meant i was terribly hurt, the i-wanted-to-tear-weep-and-cry hurt.

i should have just shut up. it could have save me a heartache.

Friday, March 15, 2002

got guts?

i was with AB last night and early dawn. i enjoy these moments with him. these are the rare moments i discover so much abotu him that makes me absolutely adore him.

as usual, we talked the night away. i am beginning to realize how much i want to be with him. i think i really am falling for him despite of the fact that i denied it constantly. i just realized how amazing he is as a friend, as a son, and... as a potential partner. but i am not hoping. i am just letting things be.

but today was special. i mentioned how i am gutless with concerns to expressing my emotions towards someone because i am scared of getting hurt. spending the weekend with marvelous peeps like mickey, made me think about myself and the risks i am about to take. he said i have nothing to lose and that what can he possibly NOT like in me. truthfully, i don't know. but that was an ego boost to take a step...and be brave for once.

so i did. a huge risk. a big leap.

this morning. i gave AB access to TEARYEYES where i wrote DEAR BOY and HIDDEN EMOTIONS (specifically for him). i don't know he read it yet. but for some irky reason, i knew he read it already and knowing him, he is probably overwhelmed or surprised of how i hid my feelings so well. but at the same time, the outcome is killing me. i am so fearful. i don't want to expect more.

for the first time in my life, it felt good letting someone see through me, to see me transparently, and to discover my hidden emotions towards them. normally, i am better at keeping it hidden that letting it be exposed. this is one time i finally had the balls to let someone know what i feel for them even if i took the "blog" way of saying it.

i am not expecting anything in return. it would be good for the feelings to be reciprocated. but it's good enough that i am able to let it out....to be able to tell AB in my written musings that he is so wonderful in many ways i could not fully explain.

now, i await for its outcome. if it's positive, i am happy. if it does not go well, i am still contented.

bottom line is, for the first time in my life, i can say, i was brave, i had the balls , i had the fearless guts to tell someone that i am falling for him.

that means a whole lot.

Tuesday, March 12, 2002

coward

i thought of you today. i wondered how you've been. i called you today. just yearning to hear your voice. perhaps, obtain closure, too.

but how can i? i missed you so much.

answering machine came on. and ah. it was you on the message. i longed to hear your voice for a logn time. i thought it'll ease my pain.

so i listened to you. over and over i listened.

i contemplated. should i leave you a message?

eh.

coward me.

i just hung up.

Wednesday, March 06, 2002

eh.

there's this urge to unload my feelings again. well, not directly to him but it's good enough that i speak my heart out here in my blog. when the time is appropriate, i will tell him these exact words. well, if i can't do it, i'll just probably hook him up my access here or at tearyeyes. but for the mean time, please allow me to write my mellow dramatic letter.

read it here ::::>dear boy....

ponder....

"going on a journey with a map requires follwing directions----
going on a journey without one requires follwing your heart."
---tom krause

"there are no failures,
just experiences and your reactions to them..."
---tom krause

"life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well."
---josh billings

"i'm not afraid of storms, for i am learning how to sail my ship."
---hellen keller

Sunday, March 03, 2002

U turn

i was with AB last night and i realized how intense he makes me feel. my heart is bursting with emotions for him. and he asked me about men i my life. and i ought to tell him i want him to be the man in my life. but instead, stupid me, i told him that i am a shitless chicken that every time the circumstance and the chance is there infront of me to tell someone what i feel, i make a U turn and refrain myself from doing so.

and so now, i am voicing it out.

hopefully one day, you will notice me.

i'm just around the corner.

see you tonight.

Friday, March 01, 2002

Second Generation Filipino

You Know You're 2nd Generation Filipino When.....

1) You understand a lot of Tagalog, but can hardly speak it.

2) Make fun of your parents' accents.

3) As a child, you were totally embarrassed to eat spaghetti with sliced hot dogs in it. Now, there is absolutely no way you will eat spaghetti
without the hot dogs. In fact, you suggest to your non-Filipino friends that hot dogs make spaghetti taste better.

4) As a child, you hated being Filipino.

5) Now, you wear Pinoy Pride T-shirts.

6) You still wear Tsinelas (slippers).

7) You still take off your shoes when entering a house.

8) (Southern California) You've ever lived in Baldwin Park, Carson, Cerritos, the shitty part of L.A., West Covina, Walnut or Diamond Bar.
(Northern California) You've lived in Union or Daly City. (Hawaii) You've lived in Kalihi or Waipahu or in a plantation town like Kihei, Kekaha, Kau, or Keaau

9) You don't steal things (i.e., towels, soaps, tissues, cups) from hotel rooms like your parents did. And when you do take things, you deny that the action is not a Filipino trait.

10) You don't care if a T-shirt was made in the Philippines or the USA. As long as it has a designer label on it, you'll wear it.

11) You like shopping in small Filipino markets or the 99 Ranch, but you can't stand the way it smells in there.

12) As a child, you cursed your mom for feeding you Sinigang and Adobo all the time, instead of eating at McDonald's once in awhile. Now, it's a
special treat when your mom cooks Sinigang or Adobo.

13) You know how to cook at least one Filipino dish.

14) You know what fried Tuyo smells like.

15) You don't go to church anymore.

16) Diniguan or "chocolate meat" still grosses you out.

17) You still exhibit "tightwad" traits like buying a small soda (instead of medium or large which costs 20 cents more) when it's all you can drink.

18) You'd rather wash dishes with your hands than use your dishwasher because it wastes more water.

19) You still like Lumpia and Pansit.

20) You say Paanset (American pronunciation) instead of Pansit.

21) You still like Lechon but the pig's head still freaks you out.

22) You still find Balut disgusting.

23) You think you're all that when you go back to the Philippines because you don't speak with an accent, your skin is fairer than the natives',
and you have cool clothes - not hand-me-downs from relatives in the States.

24) You think all Filipino (VHS) movies are funny, even when the movie is a drama.

25) You actually believe that you could become a Filipino movie star back home because you think you're better looking than the Filipinos back home.

26) You can't stand to look at pictures of you as a young child because you looked like a Fob. (Hey, you were a Fob!)

27) You're disappointed at American parties where the only foods to eat are small finger-type foods with names you can't pronounce. (How about those vegetable sticks? Yuk!) You're even more disappointed when there is meat being served, but no rice! (YES, THOSE VEGGIE STICKS AND FINGER FOODS...BORING PARTIES!!!)

28) You eat Kentucky Fried Chicken with rice. Screw the biscuits! (THERE'S NO BETTER WAY TO EAT KFC THAN WITH RICE :oD)

29) You still call your grandparents Lolo and Lola.

30) You dare not bring Balikbayan boxes with you when traveling back home! One suitcase will do just fine.

31) Sometimes your Filipino accent comes out accidentally and you get embarrassed about it.

32) Your non-Filipino friends and co-workers ask you if you've ever eaten dog.

33) Your college major was in computers, engineering, nursing or business. Filipinos don't major in philosophy, literature, history, sociology and
other liberal arts. There's no money in it!

34) You think that President Marcos is still the Philippine resident. Do you know who the current president is? (NO)

35) You still eat Pandesal with butter, Vienna sausage or eggs. (IS THERE SOMETHING BETTER...DON'T THINK SO)

36) Your friends and coworkers don't call you by your Filipino nickname (i.e., Popoy, Bong, Jhun Jhun), although your family members and
relatives still do.

37) Your parents' house still has the furniture you grew up with.

38) Although there are now creative ways to eat Spam, you still like it the classic Filipino way - fried with rice and ketchup. Same with corned
beef except without the ketchup (FRIED SPAM WITH EGG & RICE...YUMMY - NOT WITH KETCHUP!)