as much as i'd like to pretend i was perfectly feeling fine today, i was not.on fact, i was feeling terrible. i had a long talk with paul about AB and how i made myself feel like these and he said i created what i felt now. true. but at the same time, he mentioned how it's also good that i told AB what i felt because then now, i knew where i stand. i yearned to get back to my normal self---which is mainly JUST ME and no one else, but i find that too difficult to do when i've been spoiled spending my time with someone very special to me ( who also informed me that we can't be more than friends, not now.)
the nights especially affects me harder. i was used to sleeping with him right next to me. i think i am speaking for both of us when i say he's probably not used to not having me there lying next to him either. it's just when we sleep( i solely mean, SLEEP, in its literal sense, not more than that), we cuddle up until we fall asleep in each other arms. and it's strange because we wake up not only in the same cuddle up position but even closer. even difficult is that when i lie on my bed, i smell his scent everywhere: my pillows, my sheet, my comforter, my mink blanket. and i am sure mines is all over his clothes and his car. and as much as i ought to take him off my memory, even just for a miniscule of a second, i undeniably couldn't.
*pouts*
i miss how he held my hand tightly around his, how he complained how my nails are too long, and asked if they were natural ( yes, they are). i miss the no-holds-bar conversations---the enchanting ones when we talk just about everything under the sun (well, except what i felt for him) and the ones where i disagree with his opinion and then he later agrees with mine ( i know, i don't understand it either). i miss how he nozzled my hair and recognized the shampoo i wore. i miss when he watched me sleep and when he puts the blanket around me and hugeed me even tight to keep me warm when i'm cold. i miss when i wake him up early dawn to go to school or to pick up his mom. i miss how he asked how my every day went and how he bugged me when can i see him again. i miss how he uttered, "f*ck that ' veach ' " when he was mad. i terribly miss how he laughed at my jokes and how i asked him if he was sure he was straight ( ha ha ha ) and he'd give me that "wait-a-minute- did- you-just-call-me-gay" look.
waah.
i miss him so much.
worse yet, it's still a long journey to try not to miss him. nor think of him. but while i just typing that up, my mind and my heart longed to see him again. funny because i bargain that i don't even have to hold him, or hug him, i just...i just want to see him. i just contradicted my self with that. and i think that's the most difficult thing to overcome for now. because my conscience tells me to just be friends and to let my hopes of romantic parody go because it's better for me and him that way, my hearts states that i am so attracted to him, and not matter how i try immensely to not think of him nor think of him. i have to admit that i am so lame and guitly. i am doing a poor and terrible job at it.
one of these days, i'll better at it, i promise. right now, i am dwelling on my memories with him. besides, that's all i have unless out situation will have a complete rotation and the "liking" i have in him is reciprocated. as much as i want to hope, it's unlikely that it will happen. why? well, because, maybe i took it forgranted, he just told me yesterday, "he's not over her."
damn it. what's wrong with me?
stop it, len. erase it. let go.
oh boy. i'm it for a long recovering and getting to used to sleeping in my cold bed and being---alone. and it all starts NOW.
posted by pinay freestyle @ 10:51 PM
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