posted by pinay freestyle @ 7:03 PM
[[ 0 comments ]]
Friday, May 31, 2002
lonely days. happy days.
oh, AB called couple days ago. he was suppose to visit me. he asked why i seemed happy. i said i was back with ron. he said then he shouldn't visit me. i told him ron knew about him. he said he will come by to say hello. i waited he didn't show up. was he hurt? or did he do that in purpose?
anyways, GLENN and I are not talking at all. it was really bye now. anyway, i have ron and ron hates glenn with a passion. he used to interview my cousins and my friends about glenn. he's that insecure of glenn. so now, he is rejoicing that glenn is married. hahaha.
and oh yeah (again), my ex ziggy, came by two weeks ago to see me. he said i changed a lot. i replied, " i know." as usual, he was giving me the drama about getting me back and all. as usual, it goes on one ear and it goes out the other. i am done with sweet talkers ( people who talks their butt off and not DO anything about it). sig was definitely one of them
i don't know what's up with these men. when they have us women, and we go gaga around them, they can't give us the time of day. and now that i have my own relationship going, they rush back to me. and i do not want them anymore. grrr. i hate.
now that ron is back in my life. i am feeling in love again. i am scared and happy at the same time. but i love ron and i feel that he loves me. i have nto felt this feeling since i first got with Glenn. this feeling of overwhelming happy fairy tale emotions is haunting me because i am scared that it will go away. i want it to stay. i want ron...the US to stay. every time he says he loves me, i get the chills. and i tear a little bit. truth is, i waited so long to hear him sya it again and he still say it with intense passion and emotions for me. that's just one of the things i love about ron: he is not afraid to tell the whole world that he loved me. i love him, too. so much sometimes, it hurts. love is definitely sweeter the second time around.
oh well. we all have our sad days and happy days. it just happened i was lonely before. these are my happy days. and i shoudl enjoy it and i am savoring every minute of it. what the heck? i am contradicting my previous blogs. okay whatever. say you want to say. call me complex and whatsoever. i really don't care. can't stop my from loving, and smiling and feeling happy. c'mon now, i deserve it. give me a break.
oh, AB called couple days ago. he was suppose to visit me. he asked why i seemed happy. i said i was back with ron. he said then he shouldn't visit me. i told him ron knew about him. he said he will come by to say hello. i waited he didn't show up. was he hurt? or did he do that in purpose?
anyways, GLENN and I are not talking at all. it was really bye now. anyway, i have ron and ron hates glenn with a passion. he used to interview my cousins and my friends about glenn. he's that insecure of glenn. so now, he is rejoicing that glenn is married. hahaha.
and oh yeah (again), my ex ziggy, came by two weeks ago to see me. he said i changed a lot. i replied, " i know." as usual, he was giving me the drama about getting me back and all. as usual, it goes on one ear and it goes out the other. i am done with sweet talkers ( people who talks their butt off and not DO anything about it). sig was definitely one of them
i don't know what's up with these men. when they have us women, and we go gaga around them, they can't give us the time of day. and now that i have my own relationship going, they rush back to me. and i do not want them anymore. grrr. i hate.
now that ron is back in my life. i am feeling in love again. i am scared and happy at the same time. but i love ron and i feel that he loves me. i have nto felt this feeling since i first got with Glenn. this feeling of overwhelming happy fairy tale emotions is haunting me because i am scared that it will go away. i want it to stay. i want ron...the US to stay. every time he says he loves me, i get the chills. and i tear a little bit. truth is, i waited so long to hear him sya it again and he still say it with intense passion and emotions for me. that's just one of the things i love about ron: he is not afraid to tell the whole world that he loved me. i love him, too. so much sometimes, it hurts. love is definitely sweeter the second time around.
oh well. we all have our sad days and happy days. it just happened i was lonely before. these are my happy days. and i shoudl enjoy it and i am savoring every minute of it. what the heck? i am contradicting my previous blogs. okay whatever. say you want to say. call me complex and whatsoever. i really don't care. can't stop my from loving, and smiling and feeling happy. c'mon now, i deserve it. give me a break.
posted by pinay freestyle @ 5:53 PM
[[ 0 comments ]]
ron-len convo
[caution: it's mushy]
ron: hey girl, i have a big favor to ask you. will you do it?
len: hey boy, what is it first? maybe.
he tells me the favor. i agreed.
ron: are you sure?
len: stop asking me too many questions before i change my mind.
ron: are you sure?
len: one more time, you asked me if i was sure, i'll change my mind.
ron: [laughs] hey girl, one more thing....
len: if this is another favor, forget it, boy. i ain't doing it.
ron: [giggles]no, i have something important to tell you.
len: [irriated already, roll eyes] what again?
ron: hey girl, I LOVE YOU.
awww. i smiled. i hate and LOVE it when he does that.
ron: do i see a smile?
len [pouts] no.
ron laughed! ewww.
ron: I LOVE YOU, my highness.
len: you better, my peasant!
hhahaha.
[caution: it's mushy]
ron: hey girl, i have a big favor to ask you. will you do it?
len: hey boy, what is it first? maybe.
he tells me the favor. i agreed.
ron: are you sure?
len: stop asking me too many questions before i change my mind.
ron: are you sure?
len: one more time, you asked me if i was sure, i'll change my mind.
ron: [laughs] hey girl, one more thing....
len: if this is another favor, forget it, boy. i ain't doing it.
ron: [giggles]no, i have something important to tell you.
len: [irriated already, roll eyes] what again?
ron: hey girl, I LOVE YOU.
awww. i smiled. i hate and LOVE it when he does that.
ron: do i see a smile?
len [pouts] no.
ron laughed! ewww.
ron: I LOVE YOU, my highness.
len: you better, my peasant!
hhahaha.
posted by pinay freestyle @ 5:34 PM
[[ 0 comments ]]
Wednesday, May 29, 2002
Surfer's philosophy: Riding the Waves in the Ocean
yesterday, loc commented i was impatient.
" you gott'a learn how to chill and wait, nori. you always rushin', " he said.
in denial, i rolled my eyes at him. but in the back of my head, i repetitively asked myself why he mentioned that.
so i did. "why'd you say that?, " i asked.
in his ghetto - slang accent, " you can't wait for the clock. you count before the clock strikes the minute. you be drivin' from your hosue to here or vice versa 50 miles per hour on a 35 mph zone. you always speed down the freeway. when you're here at work, you always wait for the goddamn minute to strike to the next minute just so you can go home."
and i just looked at him. not saying a single word. in many ways, he was right. but i was too stubborn to admit that. so i just stayed quiet. but the truth us, lately, i realized the importance of waiting. for instance, my situation with ron. we parted without any "good byes." in fact, we never broke up. there was a certain incident ( and it's still there) that's separating us from each other right now. i decided to let my feelings drift away until i can. i think because i was hurting and i just yearned to free it all.
but mending the pain is not an easy task. it's an elongated process...one that may take days, weeks, months and perhaps, even years. but i was in desperate stage of getting rid of it...not slowly or gradually but out of frustration and twinge. i looked for an answer. i repeated the questions all over my head. i was clueless. i cried many nights.many times, i pretended i didn't hurt and that sliced the wounds even more. it was difficult.
secretly, i hoped for the US (me and ron) but i didn't think it was possible. i just lost faith for a while. but like the sermon said when i went to crystal cathedral, by pastor schuller, " hope without love is dangerous. but love without faith is impossible. it has to be both. not one or the other." and then, the wait. i chose not to wait because i thought, it would damage me further. but now, that i looked back, the wait was worth the wait.
in six months time, ron mentioned he thought of me over the months but eh was as helpless as i was because of the inevitable events that occured. on our last conversation though, before all these happened, he warned me and told me to hang on to him and that no matter what happened, he truly loved me. and then he was gone. no goodbyes. in fact, nothing at all.
then now, he is back in my life. i forgave him. i just needed answers. i needed the explanations. and he is slowly and gradually answering my questions.and i am smoothly shedding lights here. now, i realized, all i needed to do was WAIT. i prayed to my lord. i kept myself preoccupied ( no, actually, over loaded) just to i can get over it. IT meaning any twinge. but all along all i needed to do was WAIT.
WAit because the lord already planned this for me. WAIT because somewhere down the line, the answers to my questions awaits. WAIT because shadows of true love doesn't fade that easy. WAIT because ron was only waiting for the right moment to approach me back. WAIt because he ron never stopped loving me, he just HAD TO WAIT a little because he MUST. WAit because there were wonderful men who came into my life recently who made me feel appreciated and adored. But throught it all, it was ron and me.
This waiting game reminds me so much of surfing. Surfers are very patient people. They always wait for the gigantic waves from the coast to approach the shore and then they ride it. And you watch them glide to it. And they enjoy every curve as the smooth tides embrace them in the waters. And it was as if, they are flying on the coastal waters. And then the cycle continues, they wait for another good wave again.
I think , I need to apply their philosophy in my life. I need to wait for that WAVE that I can ride smoothly and enjoy. Only now, I am learning to surf my life's waves. I learned the hard way, though. I kept riding ANY waves and I kept falling and drowning on my life's ocean. Now, I finally, discovered the technique: to wait for the RIGHT WAVE so i can glide smoothly, balance it right and not fall off my surfing board. Without goign throught these surfer's principles, only then I can enjoy to ride and glide smoothly through my owns life's the waves.
yesterday, loc commented i was impatient.
" you gott'a learn how to chill and wait, nori. you always rushin', " he said.
in denial, i rolled my eyes at him. but in the back of my head, i repetitively asked myself why he mentioned that.
so i did. "why'd you say that?, " i asked.
in his ghetto - slang accent, " you can't wait for the clock. you count before the clock strikes the minute. you be drivin' from your hosue to here or vice versa 50 miles per hour on a 35 mph zone. you always speed down the freeway. when you're here at work, you always wait for the goddamn minute to strike to the next minute just so you can go home."
and i just looked at him. not saying a single word. in many ways, he was right. but i was too stubborn to admit that. so i just stayed quiet. but the truth us, lately, i realized the importance of waiting. for instance, my situation with ron. we parted without any "good byes." in fact, we never broke up. there was a certain incident ( and it's still there) that's separating us from each other right now. i decided to let my feelings drift away until i can. i think because i was hurting and i just yearned to free it all.
but mending the pain is not an easy task. it's an elongated process...one that may take days, weeks, months and perhaps, even years. but i was in desperate stage of getting rid of it...not slowly or gradually but out of frustration and twinge. i looked for an answer. i repeated the questions all over my head. i was clueless. i cried many nights.many times, i pretended i didn't hurt and that sliced the wounds even more. it was difficult.
secretly, i hoped for the US (me and ron) but i didn't think it was possible. i just lost faith for a while. but like the sermon said when i went to crystal cathedral, by pastor schuller, " hope without love is dangerous. but love without faith is impossible. it has to be both. not one or the other." and then, the wait. i chose not to wait because i thought, it would damage me further. but now, that i looked back, the wait was worth the wait.
in six months time, ron mentioned he thought of me over the months but eh was as helpless as i was because of the inevitable events that occured. on our last conversation though, before all these happened, he warned me and told me to hang on to him and that no matter what happened, he truly loved me. and then he was gone. no goodbyes. in fact, nothing at all.
then now, he is back in my life. i forgave him. i just needed answers. i needed the explanations. and he is slowly and gradually answering my questions.and i am smoothly shedding lights here. now, i realized, all i needed to do was WAIT. i prayed to my lord. i kept myself preoccupied ( no, actually, over loaded) just to i can get over it. IT meaning any twinge. but all along all i needed to do was WAIT.
WAit because the lord already planned this for me. WAIT because somewhere down the line, the answers to my questions awaits. WAIT because shadows of true love doesn't fade that easy. WAIT because ron was only waiting for the right moment to approach me back. WAIt because he ron never stopped loving me, he just HAD TO WAIT a little because he MUST. WAit because there were wonderful men who came into my life recently who made me feel appreciated and adored. But throught it all, it was ron and me.
This waiting game reminds me so much of surfing. Surfers are very patient people. They always wait for the gigantic waves from the coast to approach the shore and then they ride it. And you watch them glide to it. And they enjoy every curve as the smooth tides embrace them in the waters. And it was as if, they are flying on the coastal waters. And then the cycle continues, they wait for another good wave again.
I think , I need to apply their philosophy in my life. I need to wait for that WAVE that I can ride smoothly and enjoy. Only now, I am learning to surf my life's waves. I learned the hard way, though. I kept riding ANY waves and I kept falling and drowning on my life's ocean. Now, I finally, discovered the technique: to wait for the RIGHT WAVE so i can glide smoothly, balance it right and not fall off my surfing board. Without goign throught these surfer's principles, only then I can enjoy to ride and glide smoothly through my owns life's the waves.
posted by pinay freestyle @ 9:58 AM
[[ 0 comments ]]
i listen to rap music...but rarely to gangster rap. but i've been trippin at this song for a while now because i told LOC i loved its lyrics to the song and p. diddy remidns me so much of him. so...damn, let me share it with ya'll.
I NEED A GIRL
By: P. Diddy f/Usher & Loon
[P. Diddy]
Yeah, Yeah
I need a, I want a
[Usher]
I need a girl to ride, ride, ride
I need a girl to make my wife
I need a girl who's mine all mine
I need a girl in my life
[P. Diddy]
Yo, I'm internationally known on the microphone
I got it all, but I really need a wife at home
I don't really like the zone, never spend the night alone
I got a few, you would like to bone
But, chicks that romance me, don't tickle my fancy
Tiffany, Nancy; that's not what my plans be
I need a girl that could stand me, raise me a family
Go to trips at the Lancy, trip to the Grammy's cause
Most of these girls be confusin me
I don't know if they really love me or they usin me
Maybe it's the money, or maybe you ain't used to me
Cause you was depressed and now you abusin me
That's why I need me a girl that be true to me
Know bout the game, and know how to do to me
Without a girl on my side, shit I ruin me
Forget the word, girl, it's just you and me
[P. Diddy & Usher]
Now let's ride.....
[Chorus: Usher]
I need a girl to ride, ride, ride
I need a girl to make my wife
I need a girl to be mine oh mine
I need a girl in my life
I need a girl to ride, ride, ride
I need a girl to be my wife
Nobody else cuz she's all mine
I need a girl in my life
[Loon]
Yo, now I have had a lot of women in my lifetime
But see it's not a lot of women that got the right mind
I done had pretty chicks with all the right features
And hoodrat chicks that only rock sneakers
Cellphones and beepers, and know how to treat ya
You break her heart, she'll walk out and leave ya
I find a girl, I'ma keep her
Cuz now I'm gettin money and the game gettin deeper
I want some real shit, I need somebody I can chill with
I need somebody I can build with
I need somebody I can hold tight
Winter time in the full length snow white
Anytime we together would feel so right
You the girl I been lookin for my whole life
God bless me, I'm glad I got the insight
It's cuz of you girl, now I understand life
[Loon & Usher]
I need a girl...
[Chorus: Usher]
I need a girl to ride, ride, ride
I need a girl to make my wife
I need a girl to be mine oh mine
I need a girl in my life
I need a girl to ride, ride, ride
I need a girl to be my wife
Nobody else cuz she's all mine
I need a girl in my life
[P. Diddy]
I had a girl that would've died for me
Didnt 'preciate her so I made her cry for me
Every night she had tears in her eyes for me
Quarter K's, shorty took the whole ride for me
First we were friends then became lovers
You was more than my girl, we was like brothers
All night we would play fight under covers
Now you gone, can't love you like I really wanna
But everytime I think about your pretty smile
And how we used to drive the whole city wild
Damn I wish you would've had my child
A pretty little girl wit Diddy's style shit is wild
That's why all dem days that I reminisce
About the way I use to kiss dem pretty lips
But as long as you happy, I'ma tell you this
I love you girl and you're the one that I will always miss
I love you, yeah
[Chorus: Usher]
I need a girl to ride, ride, ride
I need a girl to make my wife
I need a girl to be mine oh mine
I need a girl in my life
I need a girl to ride, ride, ride
I need a girl to be my wife
Nobody else cuz she's all mine
I need a girl in my life
I need a girl to ride, ride, ride
I need a girl to make my wife
I need a girl to be mine oh mine
I need a girl in my life
I need a girl to ride, ride, ride
I need a girl to be my wife
Nobody else cuz she's all mine
I need a girl in my life
I need a girl to ride, ride, ride
I need a girl to make my wife
I need a girl to be mine oh mine
I need a girl in my life
I need a girl to ride, ride, ride
I need a girl to be my wife
Nobody else cuz she's all mine
I need a girl in my life
I NEED A GIRL
By: P. Diddy f/Usher & Loon
[P. Diddy]
Yeah, Yeah
I need a, I want a
[Usher]
I need a girl to ride, ride, ride
I need a girl to make my wife
I need a girl who's mine all mine
I need a girl in my life
[P. Diddy]
Yo, I'm internationally known on the microphone
I got it all, but I really need a wife at home
I don't really like the zone, never spend the night alone
I got a few, you would like to bone
But, chicks that romance me, don't tickle my fancy
Tiffany, Nancy; that's not what my plans be
I need a girl that could stand me, raise me a family
Go to trips at the Lancy, trip to the Grammy's cause
Most of these girls be confusin me
I don't know if they really love me or they usin me
Maybe it's the money, or maybe you ain't used to me
Cause you was depressed and now you abusin me
That's why I need me a girl that be true to me
Know bout the game, and know how to do to me
Without a girl on my side, shit I ruin me
Forget the word, girl, it's just you and me
[P. Diddy & Usher]
Now let's ride.....
[Chorus: Usher]
I need a girl to ride, ride, ride
I need a girl to make my wife
I need a girl to be mine oh mine
I need a girl in my life
I need a girl to ride, ride, ride
I need a girl to be my wife
Nobody else cuz she's all mine
I need a girl in my life
[Loon]
Yo, now I have had a lot of women in my lifetime
But see it's not a lot of women that got the right mind
I done had pretty chicks with all the right features
And hoodrat chicks that only rock sneakers
Cellphones and beepers, and know how to treat ya
You break her heart, she'll walk out and leave ya
I find a girl, I'ma keep her
Cuz now I'm gettin money and the game gettin deeper
I want some real shit, I need somebody I can chill with
I need somebody I can build with
I need somebody I can hold tight
Winter time in the full length snow white
Anytime we together would feel so right
You the girl I been lookin for my whole life
God bless me, I'm glad I got the insight
It's cuz of you girl, now I understand life
[Loon & Usher]
I need a girl...
[Chorus: Usher]
I need a girl to ride, ride, ride
I need a girl to make my wife
I need a girl to be mine oh mine
I need a girl in my life
I need a girl to ride, ride, ride
I need a girl to be my wife
Nobody else cuz she's all mine
I need a girl in my life
[P. Diddy]
I had a girl that would've died for me
Didnt 'preciate her so I made her cry for me
Every night she had tears in her eyes for me
Quarter K's, shorty took the whole ride for me
First we were friends then became lovers
You was more than my girl, we was like brothers
All night we would play fight under covers
Now you gone, can't love you like I really wanna
But everytime I think about your pretty smile
And how we used to drive the whole city wild
Damn I wish you would've had my child
A pretty little girl wit Diddy's style shit is wild
That's why all dem days that I reminisce
About the way I use to kiss dem pretty lips
But as long as you happy, I'ma tell you this
I love you girl and you're the one that I will always miss
I love you, yeah
[Chorus: Usher]
I need a girl to ride, ride, ride
I need a girl to make my wife
I need a girl to be mine oh mine
I need a girl in my life
I need a girl to ride, ride, ride
I need a girl to be my wife
Nobody else cuz she's all mine
I need a girl in my life
I need a girl to ride, ride, ride
I need a girl to make my wife
I need a girl to be mine oh mine
I need a girl in my life
I need a girl to ride, ride, ride
I need a girl to be my wife
Nobody else cuz she's all mine
I need a girl in my life
I need a girl to ride, ride, ride
I need a girl to make my wife
I need a girl to be mine oh mine
I need a girl in my life
I need a girl to ride, ride, ride
I need a girl to be my wife
Nobody else cuz she's all mine
I need a girl in my life
posted by pinay freestyle @ 8:48 AM
[[ 0 comments ]]
Monday, May 27, 2002
This is dedicated to a very special person: BABY LOC.
From Seaweed with Love.
Started: May 25, 2002 @ 2 am
Finished: May 27, 2002 @ 5:16 PM
A New Found Spirit
"Len, you have 752 today. He's nice but he gets damn tantrums and all so just be cautioned," said the night shift endorser as I was getting the current patient's report for the daily shift schedule. In the back of my head, I thought, " Oh no, another lunatic patient. But I'll get over it." I met the patient," Baby Loc" last week. Just by the name, you might have guessed and already knew he was a gangster. In the hospital, for privacy reasons, we call the gangster’s "John Doe." he was in for some type of infection I could not talk about here.
At first, as I expected: a little grouchy and ghetto at the same time. I went in with a masked , gown and gloves on and all he can see were my eyes and my eyebrows. In the beginning, he wanted me to do this and that: mere little things but quite annoying, I must admit. Why? Well, because he wouldn’t say it all in one time. I had to keep going in and out of the room to attend to his needs. Even my colleagues at work noticed my going in and out of his room because he was in isolation.
But through those in and out scenarios in his room, I asked about him. And more and more, he disclosed himself to me. Yes, he was a gangster and he admitted. He even made me read the tattoos on his arm. It read, “Baby Loc.” Coming from the gangster’s paradise myself, I told him I used to be one, too but now, inactive and uninterested with the gangster life. I related so much from him and his stories because I was also a product of that environment and companionship.
That was the start. From the gangs, we switched to our life, our families, and our friends. He knew my mother because my mother took cake of him from the night shift. And he said my mom really cared about her patients just like I care for him. As for him he told me about how close he was to his five brothers and his mother. And that his father was really nonexistent. Day after day, we enthusiastically shared stories about our family and friends even more.
He asked me about my personal life and at first, I ignored his questions. But later, I confided because I figured that it was not fair that he opened up his life to me and I am being selfish that he doesn’t know anything about me. So in return, the following day, I told him about what happened to that bastard who cheated on me. Also, that I engaged in some relationship but I was not looking for any type of relationship because I am trying to look out for myself. Really, I was scared. I am such a chicken.
Every time I was there, I always took care of him. We talked about everything. I even called when I am off from work. One time, we talked all night and all morning long to think that I was with him the whole day, too. He has so much strength and hope while I was on the opposite side. Before I started talking to him, I indulged myself to get two jobs just so I can get rid of the hurt and the pain. I just did not long to stay home and sob over the dramas of my life. I’d rather reap something positive out the loneliness than crying my butt over something that tore me apart.
I must say, having him there eased out the loneliness in me. It’s just I was not used to telling someone my whole life. It’s like a heavy burden was taken away from my chest. Sometimes, he’s play around about asking me out. Although, I knew he really liked me and flirted with me in his own ghetto ways. He begged for kisses and hugs. Hugs I gave but of course, no kisses. Everyday, I looked forward to seeing him.
Frankly speaking, “Baby Loc” and I were connecting strangely and too close, I must say. We already made plans of going out after he gets out of the hospital. Perhaps, we can go to dinner or watch a movie, he suggested. I was glad that I was making him smile and in return, he makes me happy and somewhat, amused. To tell you the truth, each and every circumstance I was with him, I liked him more and more. And in his demeanors, the way he looked at me, the way he smelled my scent, or touched my hand, I can tell he felt the same way.
But there was more. He was totally different from anyone. He doesn’t take crap from anyone but at the same time, he was a softy inside. He was someone who loved his family and friends so much. One who will be there until the end of time…one who is for keeps. What I like in him the most was his fighting spirit. His will to go on, no matter how hard life was or will be for him. He is very determined and very appreciative of all the people and things that he has.
“Baby Loc,” made me rethink my life, rediscover myself, and appreciate what I have got. He made me feel admired, adored, and greatly cared for. What I had not told you is, he was shot in the cervical area of his spine in 1995. He is quadriplegic from waist down. He has his modified wheelchair with gold rims. But he is just like any of us. He doesn’t label him self “unable” to do the things a normal person can do. In fact, he does ALMOST everything on his own. Sometimes, he does not even want my help.
He parties hard like others. And he goes out to places wherever he wants to whether it was Las Vegas or somewhere else. Other times, he ‘s unpredictably simple, like the way I met him: quiet and grouchy, at times. But his emotions were very deep. He has so much to say and he has so much feelings for others. He has compassion that what ever he dreamed and endeavored to reach, he goes for it without anyone stopping him. He has a great drive to better himself and yet, not be selfish to others. The blessings in his life are outpouring because he has a heart of gold.
Hadn’t I been with Ron, I definitely would go for him. But Ron came into my life first. Last night, I cried to “LOC” about my recent situation with Ron and LOC advised me to stay with Ron because he needs me right now. LOC assured me he will be there no matter what. And I told him the same thing. He told me he might be discharged the 13th of June. And I have to say the news saddened me because I realized I will not be able to bug him whenever I want to. But he assured me that we will still hang out and chill and that he will never change around me.
But as I end this musing, I am printing a copy. Not only am I posting this to my blog ( at www.pinayfreestyle.blogspot.com), I am also giving him this original copy because he is very special to me. My time with LOC made me reevaluate my worth in this world. And he made me feel needed and important. He gave me back the self esteem and confidence I once lost. He overlooked my imperfections, he looked beyond the physical aspect of me ( Although, he kept saying, I was cute, Thank you, LOC!). He took the necessary time to discover ME, my heart and my emotions, something other people took forgranted.
I will be there for you, I promise. I will bring you your ice cream ( and no, it would not be frozen yogurt). Perhaps, I’ll give you a family size barbeque flavor chips and get you a life time supply of ham and cheese sandwiches. I will still share you my lotion and I’d still give you strawberry crème savers. But more than that, I will still shower you with my winning smiles and my gentle hugs whenever you need it or evebn if you do not need it. Bottom line is, I am here and I am stuck in your life like a leech whether you like it or not.
I guess, this is as good as any time as any to tell you, LOC, and the whole world, THANK YOU for bringing me back to sanity. Thank you for the quiet times together, for the late night talks, for the untold stories said, and the secrets unfolded. Thanks for letting me discover ME again. But above all these, thank you very much for the love and friendship. You hold a very special spot in my heart. And I’ll never take you off that. And please know that in the approaching days to come, I will be here for you, no matter what, the same you listened and befriended me these last few days.
From the bottom of my heart, again, Thank you very much and I love yah. Don’t be a stranger. Remember “Seaweed” the way I will keep remembering “Baby Loc.” And oh yeah, I am giving you permission to name your first kid, “Noriega”. Hahahah. But on the serious note, Thank you for my new found spirit. It was all from you. Thank you for bringing me back my wings.
From Seaweed with Love.
Started: May 25, 2002 @ 2 am
Finished: May 27, 2002 @ 5:16 PM
A New Found Spirit
"Len, you have 752 today. He's nice but he gets damn tantrums and all so just be cautioned," said the night shift endorser as I was getting the current patient's report for the daily shift schedule. In the back of my head, I thought, " Oh no, another lunatic patient. But I'll get over it." I met the patient," Baby Loc" last week. Just by the name, you might have guessed and already knew he was a gangster. In the hospital, for privacy reasons, we call the gangster’s "John Doe." he was in for some type of infection I could not talk about here.
At first, as I expected: a little grouchy and ghetto at the same time. I went in with a masked , gown and gloves on and all he can see were my eyes and my eyebrows. In the beginning, he wanted me to do this and that: mere little things but quite annoying, I must admit. Why? Well, because he wouldn’t say it all in one time. I had to keep going in and out of the room to attend to his needs. Even my colleagues at work noticed my going in and out of his room because he was in isolation.
But through those in and out scenarios in his room, I asked about him. And more and more, he disclosed himself to me. Yes, he was a gangster and he admitted. He even made me read the tattoos on his arm. It read, “Baby Loc.” Coming from the gangster’s paradise myself, I told him I used to be one, too but now, inactive and uninterested with the gangster life. I related so much from him and his stories because I was also a product of that environment and companionship.
That was the start. From the gangs, we switched to our life, our families, and our friends. He knew my mother because my mother took cake of him from the night shift. And he said my mom really cared about her patients just like I care for him. As for him he told me about how close he was to his five brothers and his mother. And that his father was really nonexistent. Day after day, we enthusiastically shared stories about our family and friends even more.
He asked me about my personal life and at first, I ignored his questions. But later, I confided because I figured that it was not fair that he opened up his life to me and I am being selfish that he doesn’t know anything about me. So in return, the following day, I told him about what happened to that bastard who cheated on me. Also, that I engaged in some relationship but I was not looking for any type of relationship because I am trying to look out for myself. Really, I was scared. I am such a chicken.
Every time I was there, I always took care of him. We talked about everything. I even called when I am off from work. One time, we talked all night and all morning long to think that I was with him the whole day, too. He has so much strength and hope while I was on the opposite side. Before I started talking to him, I indulged myself to get two jobs just so I can get rid of the hurt and the pain. I just did not long to stay home and sob over the dramas of my life. I’d rather reap something positive out the loneliness than crying my butt over something that tore me apart.
I must say, having him there eased out the loneliness in me. It’s just I was not used to telling someone my whole life. It’s like a heavy burden was taken away from my chest. Sometimes, he’s play around about asking me out. Although, I knew he really liked me and flirted with me in his own ghetto ways. He begged for kisses and hugs. Hugs I gave but of course, no kisses. Everyday, I looked forward to seeing him.
Frankly speaking, “Baby Loc” and I were connecting strangely and too close, I must say. We already made plans of going out after he gets out of the hospital. Perhaps, we can go to dinner or watch a movie, he suggested. I was glad that I was making him smile and in return, he makes me happy and somewhat, amused. To tell you the truth, each and every circumstance I was with him, I liked him more and more. And in his demeanors, the way he looked at me, the way he smelled my scent, or touched my hand, I can tell he felt the same way.
But there was more. He was totally different from anyone. He doesn’t take crap from anyone but at the same time, he was a softy inside. He was someone who loved his family and friends so much. One who will be there until the end of time…one who is for keeps. What I like in him the most was his fighting spirit. His will to go on, no matter how hard life was or will be for him. He is very determined and very appreciative of all the people and things that he has.
“Baby Loc,” made me rethink my life, rediscover myself, and appreciate what I have got. He made me feel admired, adored, and greatly cared for. What I had not told you is, he was shot in the cervical area of his spine in 1995. He is quadriplegic from waist down. He has his modified wheelchair with gold rims. But he is just like any of us. He doesn’t label him self “unable” to do the things a normal person can do. In fact, he does ALMOST everything on his own. Sometimes, he does not even want my help.
He parties hard like others. And he goes out to places wherever he wants to whether it was Las Vegas or somewhere else. Other times, he ‘s unpredictably simple, like the way I met him: quiet and grouchy, at times. But his emotions were very deep. He has so much to say and he has so much feelings for others. He has compassion that what ever he dreamed and endeavored to reach, he goes for it without anyone stopping him. He has a great drive to better himself and yet, not be selfish to others. The blessings in his life are outpouring because he has a heart of gold.
Hadn’t I been with Ron, I definitely would go for him. But Ron came into my life first. Last night, I cried to “LOC” about my recent situation with Ron and LOC advised me to stay with Ron because he needs me right now. LOC assured me he will be there no matter what. And I told him the same thing. He told me he might be discharged the 13th of June. And I have to say the news saddened me because I realized I will not be able to bug him whenever I want to. But he assured me that we will still hang out and chill and that he will never change around me.
But as I end this musing, I am printing a copy. Not only am I posting this to my blog ( at www.pinayfreestyle.blogspot.com), I am also giving him this original copy because he is very special to me. My time with LOC made me reevaluate my worth in this world. And he made me feel needed and important. He gave me back the self esteem and confidence I once lost. He overlooked my imperfections, he looked beyond the physical aspect of me ( Although, he kept saying, I was cute, Thank you, LOC!). He took the necessary time to discover ME, my heart and my emotions, something other people took forgranted.
I will be there for you, I promise. I will bring you your ice cream ( and no, it would not be frozen yogurt). Perhaps, I’ll give you a family size barbeque flavor chips and get you a life time supply of ham and cheese sandwiches. I will still share you my lotion and I’d still give you strawberry crème savers. But more than that, I will still shower you with my winning smiles and my gentle hugs whenever you need it or evebn if you do not need it. Bottom line is, I am here and I am stuck in your life like a leech whether you like it or not.
I guess, this is as good as any time as any to tell you, LOC, and the whole world, THANK YOU for bringing me back to sanity. Thank you for the quiet times together, for the late night talks, for the untold stories said, and the secrets unfolded. Thanks for letting me discover ME again. But above all these, thank you very much for the love and friendship. You hold a very special spot in my heart. And I’ll never take you off that. And please know that in the approaching days to come, I will be here for you, no matter what, the same you listened and befriended me these last few days.
From the bottom of my heart, again, Thank you very much and I love yah. Don’t be a stranger. Remember “Seaweed” the way I will keep remembering “Baby Loc.” And oh yeah, I am giving you permission to name your first kid, “Noriega”. Hahahah. But on the serious note, Thank you for my new found spirit. It was all from you. Thank you for bringing me back my wings.
posted by pinay freestyle @ 5:25 PM
[[ 0 comments ]]
OH YEAH.
i am back with ron.
i can't tell the story but yeah, we're together again.
I LOVE YAH, my peasant.
i am back with ron.
i can't tell the story but yeah, we're together again.
I LOVE YAH, my peasant.
posted by pinay freestyle @ 3:56 PM
[[ 0 comments ]]
a slice of childhood memories
ten years. now, that's long. i just finished elementary and had just started freshman in high school in the philippines. i was 13 then. i must've spent 12 years of my life att school with them. and now, 23 years after, we are all matured and responsible professionals.
three weeks ago, my friend princess came to california from toronto, canada. we went to kindergarten until freshman year of high school together. we spent our summers together reading comics and magazines, talking and gossiping, gallabanting and whatever else. in short, we were pretty close. right after i left philippines, she left two years later to join her mother in canada. i had not seen her then.
in california, particularly here in los angeles, eloisa, one of my childhood friend ( i knew her since we were two years old) and a school mate, too joined princess ( who we picked up from bellflower) and i. we spent endless hours at starbucks at long beach town center just reminiscing about our past. we are so grown up now. it was already four in the morning and we still talked the night away.
the following morning was shopping day. first stop was at downtown los angeles inthe fashio district. then after we ate at max's restaurant in glendale. then headed to glendale galleria for some more. if that was not enough, we invaded burbank mall and the new burbank town center, north of los angeles, couple miles away fromt he warner brother studios. again, we found ourselves at a starbucks coffee.
three days after, chrislynn joined us, also from toronto. she was our school mate, too. she's married with a child now. together, at kojie's shabu-shabu/sushi bar in hollywood, we caught up on the past. who was married? who had kids? who 's this and that.... there were so many curious questions and piled up gossips. then we went to the citywalk at universal to do some bar hopping. funny, how eloi left her ID at home. and the bouncer asked for her age and not believe she was over 21. hahaha.
we ended up going to eloisa's place in southgate. once again, we had stockpiled stories to tell. the whole night was not enough. we drank liquor while we told stories. and more gossips, of course. who were our crushes? who was with who? who was the bad one? who was the quiet one? how were we like? we took a travel down to memory lane. and it was overwhelming.
the next day, a sunday, we decided, we not only need to feed on the gossips, we also need to have spiritual nourishments, so we went to crystal cathedral in orange county. then we went to long beach to eat at barrio fiesta. it was more on relaxing now. so we went to long beack by the coast to see the queen mary which also had the gay and lesbian parade ( pretty freaky!). there, while we walked on the sand on the sea shore, we caught with more stories.
we ended up cooking for dinner. we went to this filipino market at carson and we also stopped at jollibee for a quick zagu ( it's a boba drink). then headed to southgate. there, while we cooked dinner, more stories were told. we coudl not get enough of each other or of other things in life. it felt as if time was too short to catch up. i left early ....they ( cess and kruslynn) left to go to san francisco.
phew. some adventure.
oh yeah, we did flirt with soem guys, too. hahahha
how we were then and how we are all now. we all have gone a long journey. and the travel continues. but one things for sure, these friends of mines are precious and are to be kept. i made plans to visit canada sometime this year preferably the summer. i missed them already.
to eloisa, to cess and to kryslynn, thank you for my trip back to memory lane.
ten years. now, that's long. i just finished elementary and had just started freshman in high school in the philippines. i was 13 then. i must've spent 12 years of my life att school with them. and now, 23 years after, we are all matured and responsible professionals.
three weeks ago, my friend princess came to california from toronto, canada. we went to kindergarten until freshman year of high school together. we spent our summers together reading comics and magazines, talking and gossiping, gallabanting and whatever else. in short, we were pretty close. right after i left philippines, she left two years later to join her mother in canada. i had not seen her then.
in california, particularly here in los angeles, eloisa, one of my childhood friend ( i knew her since we were two years old) and a school mate, too joined princess ( who we picked up from bellflower) and i. we spent endless hours at starbucks at long beach town center just reminiscing about our past. we are so grown up now. it was already four in the morning and we still talked the night away.
the following morning was shopping day. first stop was at downtown los angeles inthe fashio district. then after we ate at max's restaurant in glendale. then headed to glendale galleria for some more. if that was not enough, we invaded burbank mall and the new burbank town center, north of los angeles, couple miles away fromt he warner brother studios. again, we found ourselves at a starbucks coffee.
three days after, chrislynn joined us, also from toronto. she was our school mate, too. she's married with a child now. together, at kojie's shabu-shabu/sushi bar in hollywood, we caught up on the past. who was married? who had kids? who 's this and that.... there were so many curious questions and piled up gossips. then we went to the citywalk at universal to do some bar hopping. funny, how eloi left her ID at home. and the bouncer asked for her age and not believe she was over 21. hahaha.
we ended up going to eloisa's place in southgate. once again, we had stockpiled stories to tell. the whole night was not enough. we drank liquor while we told stories. and more gossips, of course. who were our crushes? who was with who? who was the bad one? who was the quiet one? how were we like? we took a travel down to memory lane. and it was overwhelming.
the next day, a sunday, we decided, we not only need to feed on the gossips, we also need to have spiritual nourishments, so we went to crystal cathedral in orange county. then we went to long beach to eat at barrio fiesta. it was more on relaxing now. so we went to long beack by the coast to see the queen mary which also had the gay and lesbian parade ( pretty freaky!). there, while we walked on the sand on the sea shore, we caught with more stories.
we ended up cooking for dinner. we went to this filipino market at carson and we also stopped at jollibee for a quick zagu ( it's a boba drink). then headed to southgate. there, while we cooked dinner, more stories were told. we coudl not get enough of each other or of other things in life. it felt as if time was too short to catch up. i left early ....they ( cess and kruslynn) left to go to san francisco.
phew. some adventure.
oh yeah, we did flirt with soem guys, too. hahahha
how we were then and how we are all now. we all have gone a long journey. and the travel continues. but one things for sure, these friends of mines are precious and are to be kept. i made plans to visit canada sometime this year preferably the summer. i missed them already.
to eloisa, to cess and to kryslynn, thank you for my trip back to memory lane.
posted by pinay freestyle @ 3:49 PM
[[ 0 comments ]]
Wednesday, May 15, 2002
i have tons of things to talk about. but i'll wait for couple more days to tell you everything. nothing romantic...just fun fun fun.
but anywayz,
i wrote him a letter. i didn't have the guts to tell him straight in person or on the phone so i wrote. i just said in my quiet moments, i missed him.
and then him, i decided to cut off my communication with him. it would be better. at least for now. and i think he is aware of that.
but anywayz,
i wrote him a letter. i didn't have the guts to tell him straight in person or on the phone so i wrote. i just said in my quiet moments, i missed him.
and then him, i decided to cut off my communication with him. it would be better. at least for now. and i think he is aware of that.
posted by pinay freestyle @ 9:08 PM
[[ 0 comments ]]
Friday, May 10, 2002
i'm hurt and i am upset.
i got into a huge argument with my baby brother. he's 13 for chrissake! he answered me back and yelled at me for telling him i can drop him off for his dance class since my lazy sister decided her friends were more important than her own brother.
. i was about to do some errands, pay the bills, run to the bank, buy me a new nursing uniform, then mom calls: "cancel your plans today. we have visitors coming with me and we're heading there. please clean the house and prepare something for us. " mom, my sis, and i agreed this mornign that i'll be able to pick my brother but my sis needed to drop him off. i thought that was the plan.
wrong.
okay. i decided to drop my brother off but mom wanted me so much more and i have things to take care of, too. my point was just let me do the things i needed to get done and i'll attend on the errands she wanted me to do. but no, she demanded she needed me NOW. and so i agreed to drop my plans. willingly, i agreed to take my bro to dance school.
what does he do? he threw tantrums at me. even worse, it was supposed to be my fault that he was late and he didn't want to go and that he doesn't want to go....just because...he doesn't want to anymore. of course, i got mad! first and for all, you do not talk to me in a high tone when i am mellow and talking to you nicely. second, i am the older one and he is 13. third, i demand respect, whether he liked it or not. to make it shorter, he thought he was superior so i just walked away and left.
i'm typing this at the starbucks coffee here at century city ( thank god for wireless modem...) and i 've been trying so hard to hold the tears from falling down my eyes because people are around me. i've been driving around for an hour just to get rid of the anger and the hurt. truth is, i've been crying while driving. i just needed to find a spot to "cool off."
what's hurting me most is the fact that i try my best to be a wonderful sister to them. i would give them my last meal if they were starving. i'd give everything just so they are are contented. and what do i get? i get blame for things i didn't even do. and it pains me because i worked so hard just so i can provide them with life's necesities.
i am just waiting for my eye bags to swell down so i can go back home and pretend it didn't affect me. tomorrow, i'm badck to my 16 hours shift at work. tomorrow, i'll just work overtime....
to forget the twinge temporarily...to numb the pain...
any way, that was the same reason why i decided to indulge myself into 16 hours shifts, sometimes i do a double....
because i wanted to get rid of the pain...even just for a moment.
i got into a huge argument with my baby brother. he's 13 for chrissake! he answered me back and yelled at me for telling him i can drop him off for his dance class since my lazy sister decided her friends were more important than her own brother.
. i was about to do some errands, pay the bills, run to the bank, buy me a new nursing uniform, then mom calls: "cancel your plans today. we have visitors coming with me and we're heading there. please clean the house and prepare something for us. " mom, my sis, and i agreed this mornign that i'll be able to pick my brother but my sis needed to drop him off. i thought that was the plan.
wrong.
okay. i decided to drop my brother off but mom wanted me so much more and i have things to take care of, too. my point was just let me do the things i needed to get done and i'll attend on the errands she wanted me to do. but no, she demanded she needed me NOW. and so i agreed to drop my plans. willingly, i agreed to take my bro to dance school.
what does he do? he threw tantrums at me. even worse, it was supposed to be my fault that he was late and he didn't want to go and that he doesn't want to go....just because...he doesn't want to anymore. of course, i got mad! first and for all, you do not talk to me in a high tone when i am mellow and talking to you nicely. second, i am the older one and he is 13. third, i demand respect, whether he liked it or not. to make it shorter, he thought he was superior so i just walked away and left.
i'm typing this at the starbucks coffee here at century city ( thank god for wireless modem...) and i 've been trying so hard to hold the tears from falling down my eyes because people are around me. i've been driving around for an hour just to get rid of the anger and the hurt. truth is, i've been crying while driving. i just needed to find a spot to "cool off."
what's hurting me most is the fact that i try my best to be a wonderful sister to them. i would give them my last meal if they were starving. i'd give everything just so they are are contented. and what do i get? i get blame for things i didn't even do. and it pains me because i worked so hard just so i can provide them with life's necesities.
i am just waiting for my eye bags to swell down so i can go back home and pretend it didn't affect me. tomorrow, i'm badck to my 16 hours shift at work. tomorrow, i'll just work overtime....
to forget the twinge temporarily...to numb the pain...
any way, that was the same reason why i decided to indulge myself into 16 hours shifts, sometimes i do a double....
because i wanted to get rid of the pain...even just for a moment.
posted by pinay freestyle @ 5:02 PM
[[ 0 comments ]]
Tuesday, May 07, 2002
more. of....
"where's mickey?," i asked. " he was supposed to be here early. "
"i miss you, ate.," steve said. give me a hug. " haven't seen you in a while."
it's been months since the last time we all had a chance to see each other. it's always me and mickey or me and steve or steve and mickey but never all three of us together. last night, out of nowhere, we decided we wanted to have just time to catch up with the old times. so mickey and i decided to meet at boba delight here at koreatown, near my house, after my shift at work.
as usual, mickey pulled in the parking lot, late again like always. i had a honeydew boba, scuba steve and lucy had a heath mocha boba, and micks got a pech mango boba. at this hip styled boba hangout, we spilled our piled up secrets.
"hey, i 'm not a ___________ anymore."
"i'm seeing __________"
" i'm dating__________"
"i'm flirting with this _________"
"i did it at _______________"
i missed these two guys. i don't know if i told you i have more guy friends than girl friends. i guess, because i feel so comfortable with men. they have no heart of shame. they spill their guts and their escapades ( even sexual and explicit one) out without holds bar. these are the two men i do not have problem drinking alcohol with, sleeping on the same bed with, telling my kept secrets with because i totally trust them and i am aware they feel the same way for me.
i miss times like these when i am in the company of real true and good friends.
thanks micks and steve...and lucy....for reminding me how woderful i am, for makingme realize how life is too short to feel depress, for letting me be aware that i am never alone, for reminding me that i am so lucky to have friend like you.
and gosh, thanks for paying for my boba...finally! hahha lol.
but really, form the bottom of my heart, i miss you guys. i wished we have more of moments like these .....more of friendship...mroe of catching up....more or togetherness.
hope we do it soon!
"where's mickey?," i asked. " he was supposed to be here early. "
"i miss you, ate.," steve said. give me a hug. " haven't seen you in a while."
it's been months since the last time we all had a chance to see each other. it's always me and mickey or me and steve or steve and mickey but never all three of us together. last night, out of nowhere, we decided we wanted to have just time to catch up with the old times. so mickey and i decided to meet at boba delight here at koreatown, near my house, after my shift at work.
as usual, mickey pulled in the parking lot, late again like always. i had a honeydew boba, scuba steve and lucy had a heath mocha boba, and micks got a pech mango boba. at this hip styled boba hangout, we spilled our piled up secrets.
"hey, i 'm not a ___________ anymore."
"i'm seeing __________"
" i'm dating__________"
"i'm flirting with this _________"
"i did it at _______________"
i missed these two guys. i don't know if i told you i have more guy friends than girl friends. i guess, because i feel so comfortable with men. they have no heart of shame. they spill their guts and their escapades ( even sexual and explicit one) out without holds bar. these are the two men i do not have problem drinking alcohol with, sleeping on the same bed with, telling my kept secrets with because i totally trust them and i am aware they feel the same way for me.
i miss times like these when i am in the company of real true and good friends.
thanks micks and steve...and lucy....for reminding me how woderful i am, for makingme realize how life is too short to feel depress, for letting me be aware that i am never alone, for reminding me that i am so lucky to have friend like you.
and gosh, thanks for paying for my boba...finally! hahha lol.
but really, form the bottom of my heart, i miss you guys. i wished we have more of moments like these .....more of friendship...mroe of catching up....more or togetherness.
hope we do it soon!
posted by pinay freestyle @ 10:20 PM
[[ 0 comments ]]
Monday, May 06, 2002
giving back to my community
oh yeah, i did this today.
i wasn't ready to do it because i was to weak this morning and i had nothing to eat. but i figured it's the least thing to do to help the ill and the ones who are in need of one.
if you want to do it, too, here's the info.
so, if you feel inspired and generous and have the urge to do some worthy task for your fellowmen, check it here.
oh yeah, i did this today.
i wasn't ready to do it because i was to weak this morning and i had nothing to eat. but i figured it's the least thing to do to help the ill and the ones who are in need of one.
if you want to do it, too, here's the info.
so, if you feel inspired and generous and have the urge to do some worthy task for your fellowmen, check it here.
posted by pinay freestyle @ 10:24 PM
[[ 0 comments ]]
men blues
man # 1
he called last night and asked if i wanted to watch spiderman with him. i declined because i was tired from work. i wanted to. but instead, he asked if i he could see me. again, i wanted to see him, too. but i also declined because it was too late and i am so exhausted. i'll see him soon. i said i'll see him this week. did he miss me? i missed him. but let's leave it that way.
why? because...i'm scared.
man # 2
our of nowhere, i thought of him. i wondered how he's been. it has been five long months since we broke up and i was able to gradually get rid of the wound he left me. i called his house just to say hello or perhaps, even just to hear his voice, just to know how he was doing. someone answered, it wasn't him, so i hung up. maybe next time, i'll have the guts. but not now.
man # 1
he called last night and asked if i wanted to watch spiderman with him. i declined because i was tired from work. i wanted to. but instead, he asked if i he could see me. again, i wanted to see him, too. but i also declined because it was too late and i am so exhausted. i'll see him soon. i said i'll see him this week. did he miss me? i missed him. but let's leave it that way.
why? because...i'm scared.
man # 2
our of nowhere, i thought of him. i wondered how he's been. it has been five long months since we broke up and i was able to gradually get rid of the wound he left me. i called his house just to say hello or perhaps, even just to hear his voice, just to know how he was doing. someone answered, it wasn't him, so i hung up. maybe next time, i'll have the guts. but not now.
posted by pinay freestyle @ 10:19 PM
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Thursday, May 02, 2002
harder than it is...
he talked about the wedding: how it turned out marvelous. he discussed the honeymoon: too openly, i think. he mentioned they were grateful because she's not pregnant, again. he uttured what he felt the first time he saw the baby and how he spent endless hours taking care of him. he told me about his moments with his newfound family: the wife he married out of pregnancy and the baby who needed a father. he said he looked for me at the wedding, wondered if i was going to attend and stop the wedding ( he wished!).
yep. HE's back.
maybe he forgot he was talking to his ex-girlfriend of four years? didn't he even considered for a little sensitivity on my part? i mean, yes, we were over but no matter what, we're still going through that adjustment period of letting go permamnently. if it was easy for him ,as he claimed, well, i am still learning how to maneuver my life around without him.
also, apprently, he found out that i worked two jobs and go to school full time. and asked why i was overstressing myself. i answered i get bored at home anyway so i mught as well use my time productively. it was a lame excuse, i know. he just giggled. i knew he knew i lied. but i didn't have the balls to admit it. this is how i mend myself. if i was stay home, i will end up beiing in a depressive state and i do nto want that. i prayed he was happy and i asked that he should be. personally and frankly, i knew that he is not. not yet. why would he even call me when we agreed he was to leave me alone because we needed some time and space off.
supposedly, HE called me last night to check how i was doing. i didn't need for him to call me because it just made things a lot difficult than it already is for me to absorb and forget him. i was doing fine in my solitary world. he didn't ought to tell me his escapades there. i had already gave him my good luck and farewell. he did not have to mun stories with his new family.
i just don't understand.
i am trying to live my life here. i am trying to make the best out of something that tormented me. i am trying to heal here and i am not 100 percent cured. but i am struggling very hard to deal with the twinge in a positive manner. he was aware how he had hurt me so much. he knew what i feel inside, though, i never talked about it after he told me he got her pregnant. i did not even question his actions and his mistakes. i didn't yell, screamed or held anger or grunge against him. what for? and even if i did, it wasn't going to erase the pain.
all i can ask is: give me time to let it go completely, to let me find my self, let me use my own wings to fly again without him flying right next to me, to let me discover the wonders of me, to let me get back to him one day and tell him that i am really satisfied and contented with my life, to just get it over with entirely, to set everything free.
but no. he needed to call and tell me what a wonderful time he had. he had to remind me of the pain and the twinge. he had to make me remember he once broke my heart and that there was living reminder of that mistake. he needed to tell me about the freakin' honeymoon which i needed not to hear. i didn't need to hear any of these. it was best if he kept quiet. better yet, if he had not called.
he just...he just didn't have to....
.....hurt me again, or make me feel pain again.
but it's too late, it haunted me last night, and i am feeling it now.
he talked about the wedding: how it turned out marvelous. he discussed the honeymoon: too openly, i think. he mentioned they were grateful because she's not pregnant, again. he uttured what he felt the first time he saw the baby and how he spent endless hours taking care of him. he told me about his moments with his newfound family: the wife he married out of pregnancy and the baby who needed a father. he said he looked for me at the wedding, wondered if i was going to attend and stop the wedding ( he wished!).
yep. HE's back.
maybe he forgot he was talking to his ex-girlfriend of four years? didn't he even considered for a little sensitivity on my part? i mean, yes, we were over but no matter what, we're still going through that adjustment period of letting go permamnently. if it was easy for him ,as he claimed, well, i am still learning how to maneuver my life around without him.
also, apprently, he found out that i worked two jobs and go to school full time. and asked why i was overstressing myself. i answered i get bored at home anyway so i mught as well use my time productively. it was a lame excuse, i know. he just giggled. i knew he knew i lied. but i didn't have the balls to admit it. this is how i mend myself. if i was stay home, i will end up beiing in a depressive state and i do nto want that. i prayed he was happy and i asked that he should be. personally and frankly, i knew that he is not. not yet. why would he even call me when we agreed he was to leave me alone because we needed some time and space off.
supposedly, HE called me last night to check how i was doing. i didn't need for him to call me because it just made things a lot difficult than it already is for me to absorb and forget him. i was doing fine in my solitary world. he didn't ought to tell me his escapades there. i had already gave him my good luck and farewell. he did not have to mun stories with his new family.
i just don't understand.
i am trying to live my life here. i am trying to make the best out of something that tormented me. i am trying to heal here and i am not 100 percent cured. but i am struggling very hard to deal with the twinge in a positive manner. he was aware how he had hurt me so much. he knew what i feel inside, though, i never talked about it after he told me he got her pregnant. i did not even question his actions and his mistakes. i didn't yell, screamed or held anger or grunge against him. what for? and even if i did, it wasn't going to erase the pain.
all i can ask is: give me time to let it go completely, to let me find my self, let me use my own wings to fly again without him flying right next to me, to let me discover the wonders of me, to let me get back to him one day and tell him that i am really satisfied and contented with my life, to just get it over with entirely, to set everything free.
but no. he needed to call and tell me what a wonderful time he had. he had to remind me of the pain and the twinge. he had to make me remember he once broke my heart and that there was living reminder of that mistake. he needed to tell me about the freakin' honeymoon which i needed not to hear. i didn't need to hear any of these. it was best if he kept quiet. better yet, if he had not called.
he just...he just didn't have to....
.....hurt me again, or make me feel pain again.
but it's too late, it haunted me last night, and i am feeling it now.
posted by pinay freestyle @ 10:35 PM
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