he talked about the wedding: how it turned out marvelous. he discussed the honeymoon: too openly, i think. he mentioned they were grateful because she's not pregnant, again. he uttured what he felt the first time he saw the baby and how he spent endless hours taking care of him. he told me about his moments with his newfound family: the wife he married out of pregnancy and the baby who needed a father. he said he looked for me at the wedding, wondered if i was going to attend and stop the wedding ( he wished!).
yep. HE's back.
maybe he forgot he was talking to his ex-girlfriend of four years? didn't he even considered for a little sensitivity on my part? i mean, yes, we were over but no matter what, we're still going through that adjustment period of letting go permamnently. if it was easy for him ,as he claimed, well, i am still learning how to maneuver my life around without him.
also, apprently, he found out that i worked two jobs and go to school full time. and asked why i was overstressing myself. i answered i get bored at home anyway so i mught as well use my time productively. it was a lame excuse, i know. he just giggled. i knew he knew i lied. but i didn't have the balls to admit it. this is how i mend myself. if i was stay home, i will end up beiing in a depressive state and i do nto want that. i prayed he was happy and i asked that he should be. personally and frankly, i knew that he is not. not yet. why would he even call me when we agreed he was to leave me alone because we needed some time and space off.
supposedly, HE called me last night to check how i was doing. i didn't need for him to call me because it just made things a lot difficult than it already is for me to absorb and forget him. i was doing fine in my solitary world. he didn't ought to tell me his escapades there. i had already gave him my good luck and farewell. he did not have to mun stories with his new family.
i just don't understand.
i am trying to live my life here. i am trying to make the best out of something that tormented me. i am trying to heal here and i am not 100 percent cured. but i am struggling very hard to deal with the twinge in a positive manner. he was aware how he had hurt me so much. he knew what i feel inside, though, i never talked about it after he told me he got her pregnant. i did not even question his actions and his mistakes. i didn't yell, screamed or held anger or grunge against him. what for? and even if i did, it wasn't going to erase the pain.
all i can ask is: give me time to let it go completely, to let me find my self, let me use my own wings to fly again without him flying right next to me, to let me discover the wonders of me, to let me get back to him one day and tell him that i am really satisfied and contented with my life, to just get it over with entirely, to set everything free.
but no. he needed to call and tell me what a wonderful time he had. he had to remind me of the pain and the twinge. he had to make me remember he once broke my heart and that there was living reminder of that mistake. he needed to tell me about the freakin' honeymoon which i needed not to hear. i didn't need to hear any of these. it was best if he kept quiet. better yet, if he had not called.
he just...he just didn't have to....
.....hurt me again, or make me feel pain again.
but it's too late, it haunted me last night, and i am feeling it now.
posted by pinay freestyle @ 10:35 PM
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