i imagined how he will look like. is he going to wear a traditional white "barong" ( filipino formal attire for men) with matching black slacks? or will he be in his pure white tuxedo? i can't exactly draw it but i knew he wanted to wear white, for sure.
i wondered how he was feeling. is or was he ready to face this decision? this is something he will be stuck with for the rest of his life. it's no turning back.
i pictured myself there. hence, if i was there, would he reverse his decision? our last conversation, he said he wanted to see me there. i asked if he was sure.
he replied, " hmm, maybe, it's not a good idea."
"i asked, " how does it feel? are you scared? are you excited?"
he answered, " i won't really know until i get there. it's mixed emotions. i don't think i am ready for it. i'm scared. but...."
in my head, "but.....i don't want to hear it."
at work today, i resumed to my regular routine: giving the patients' medications and treatments. i opened the patients' logs and charts and documented the usual medical daignoses and findings. but something bothered me. did i forget something? it wasn't until the last page of the patient's chart when i realized what really bugged me.
it is now april 19, 2002. but when i charted, 2 hours ago, it was april 18, 2002. i thought of glenn.
glenn: my exboyfriend of four years, the man who i devoted my love to, the one who went home to the philippines and got someone pregnant through a one night stand and now, had a baby with, the guy i loved and the guy who broke my heart a million times into debris and minute pieces. remember now? yeah...that loser, that a-hole...that guy. my exboyfriend, now my bestfriend but i told him, it was better for him not to comunicate with me . so i guess, now my ex-bestfriend, too.
well, he is in the philippines again. but it's for different purpose now. and yesterday, april 18, 2002, was his wedding day to the girl he impregnated. he walked the aisle already. he gave her the ring which was supposed to be mine. and they're having thei honeymoon as i am writing this. ecckk. i don't even want o knwo what they were doing.
why did i let him slip away? i didn't. it's because they had a baby. and i couldn't deal with it. i wanted to give the infant , whom he named after me, a future by having both parents in his life. so i set glenn free to be with the baby's mother. she ( or they: the baby and her) needed me more than i needed him in my life. to make it all short, they are now officially married and she is now carrying his last name. she acquired the last name i would never add to mines. ever.
what do i feel? i feel hurt. don't sympathize with me. don't get me wrong. i chose my decision. and i do not regret it. but i'm hurt because he was a HUGE part of me. and i don't think i will ever love the way that i loved him. i had relationships after him but it wasn't the same. i could not love the way i used to love...because i am scared and still is.
but now...he is married. the last time i talked to him, i said, i loved him for the last time. but it was friendly ex-boyfriend and bestfriend love. nothing more. i guess, i am hurtign because i realize i will never be his and he will never be mine. and with it, i bid the all the memories farewell.
this is it. this is my final good bye.
GLENN, thank you for the wonderful years. i hope you are happy with her because i will be happy if you are happy. and please take care of her and baby gien. and really, i meant it when i said, i am happy for you.
in no time, my wounds will heal. though it will leave scars, it will also remind me of you.
again, thank you so much and...
good bye.
posted by pinay freestyle @ 1:03 AM
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