Sunday, April 07, 2002
more than a clown

handwritten, i wrote this entry at work the other night.

05 april 2002 (10:15 pm)

more than a clown

it's an ardous job for me to trust anyone completely. i don' t think i am antisocial. i have an enermous number of friends. but i just find it extremely bothersome to let anyoen take a peek of the quiet and private side of me, the REAL me. it's rockyly strange because i am labelled, " wacky;" the one goofing around in the group, cracking up jokes here and there. it's metaphorically weird how my peers and colleagues nicknamed me, " the CLOWN."

don't get me wrong. i am absolutely delighted that my friends appreciates my sense of bantered humor. i am glad that i am able to share my fondness of jesting comedy to them. it's always a pleasure to make someone smile or even laugh. it's a great feeling to know i make someone's day brighter or even to see the smile on their faces.

but....

.... i long to be noticed.

i am more than my comicality and drollery. i am beyond the endless giggles, the loud laughters, and the character who tells the jokes. i just noticed no one no one ever really takes the time to REALLY get to know me. while i spend hours and efforts to discover the people around me or the people i already knew, no one have actually divulge their time nor attempted to discover me.

only a few knew my birthdate fell on july. i bet, none of them knew my favorite color is red, that i am fond of poetry and literature, that i enjoy the beach and i loved the hearing the raindrops and watching the sun set, or that i am absolutely a starbvucks' freak. whiel they run to me for life's advices, while i listen to their stories, dramas, and dilemmas, and deal with their tantrums and tempers, they never offered comfort at the time i needed it. as a matter of fact, over the years, i learned to face and solve my problems alone.

interesting how they tagged me, " the clown." yes, i enjoy comedy and i rejoice in seeing happy faces. their smiles and their hysterical " my-stomach-is-hurting" laughters means the world to me. but them? have they ever wondered who i really am? have they ever even attempted to discover the person behind that mask of the clown?

if not, they are missing out on a lot.

....because....

i have so much more to offer.

.....because...

....i am more than a clown.

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MY SILENT REVERIES
writing is my passion. i created silent reveries years ago to vent out things i could not tell the world. it was my private, modern tech approach to scribbling my thoughts and emotions in a journal. in here, i can feely be who i am. i could cry my woes, i can love freely, i can grieve over a broken heart, i can celebrate the joys in my heart, i can rejoice with my accomplishments, i can tell stories of remarkable friendships and unforgettable connections i made with extraordinary people SECRETLY AND SILENTLY without worrying people might judge me. i hid under the name PINAY FREESTYLE.

but eventually, some people gained access to my secret place. so i opened my doors to them in the purpose that i could inspire them: to be better versions of themselves and to share themselves to the world. slowly, i embraced my readers as a part of my life. i welcomed the strange idea that my untold life stories and unconcealed revelations could be of help to others, to love and accept themselves as they are. and i, i came out from the animosity. i eventually became just the regular LEN - the nickname my family & friends call me.

i developed stories of love, of letting go, of falling in love all over again. i made great friendships. but if there's one thing i was particularly proud of, it was my undenying love for the LORD. i wrote and made soul searching, heart wrenching entries i entitled, "SPIRITUAL REVERIES" which you will find many here. it was my productive way to heal myself from twinge and while i am at it, i could also mend others spirits along the way and bring them back up to par with their faith and relationships with God. it has not stop there. it's still a constant journey.

and so, for as long as i can, i vowed to tell my memorable reflections,i have unmasked the hidden me. and the seeking and searching of life's meaning and purpose is not over. LIFE is a long road of discovering. and i still yet to discover many wonders of this world and satisfy my unending curiosity. but be warned. you can either love me or hate me. but i don't care. this is me: sripped and bare as i can be.

so i invite you into my chaotic unperfect world. join me in my whirlwind new travels of diving into the unknowns. let me share my life with you all over again. come in, as i tell you my SILENT REVERIES.

love,
len


DISCOVER ME: who is the lady behind the blogs?



"I want to have a personal light, the glow of oneself that comes from sheer willpower, the light of someone who has made important sacrifices in the name of things I think are important."

---Paulo Coelho's "Eleven Minutes"

my name is len. people always tend to judge me without discovering who i really am. i might look intimidating, a typical shop girl, and i act like a crazy party girl on the weekend. but i actually have brains. and i own an even bigger heart. the truth is, beyond the louis vuitton bags, beyond the lavish parties, the excessive passion to travel and the desire to get to know the world, if you got to know the REAL ME, i am really just a simple girl. my only desire is to be loved for who i am.

"









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