EPISODES
Friday, May 02, 2008
like the color yellow traffic light, i wait for my turn for the life's traffic light to go green. i scribbled words of mixed emotions: indescribable rollercoaster feelings of being in love and loving back, awkwardness of losing a trusted best friend due to self proclaimed ego, standing strong through the storms of recovery, missing the experience of the normalcy of life. lately, life has been on a halt.
the past months has truly been a test of strength. my best friend and i kind of parted ways. i will nmot detail the arguement. but let's face it, i am truly hurt. i've decicated my 13 years of friendship with her. and despite my anguish, i still worry and think about her. i stilll pray that God protects her and guides her. and that she'll forgive me for whatever harshness i've said. yeah, i have other friends. in fact, i have a lot of friends. but still, life is not the same not having her around. but for right now, life must go on.
physical recovery from an injury is somewhat easy. but the emotional and mental complications along with it is difficult. i am recovering from a long complicated injury that seems to get worse each time i am lying on a MRI machine as specialist detected more damage. words like 'nerve damage,' 'complications,' have been somewhat of a norm. narcotics, muscle and nerve relaxants have been my companion when the physical pain arise. but insomnia kicks in at night and you start thinking. how many days of idleness have passed you by due to all of this? my life of 2 hours sleep a day before is gone. i could have done a million things from these wasted recovery days. this idleness is a killer. and it gets worse as the day goes by.
for most part, love is unexplainable. most of the times, it is wonderful like the cherry on top of the sundae. sometimes, very rare, i taste a bit of tartly sourness like an unripe fruit. no one has loved me like "he" loves me. he is, by far, the greatest man i have dated beyond my wildest dream. who shows up in my house with an iced hazelnut coffee just because he knew i would love that? who takes me to latenight walks on the beach just because he knew i would enjoy that? who goes swimming with me eventhough he admits he's not a great swimmer just so i wouldn't be alone in the siwmming pool? my love does that for me...JUST BECAUSE.
but love isn't all sunshine and roses. we deal with miscommunicating. we say things we don't mean but have said it anyway and hurt each other. sometimes, a mere joke is taken too seriously that you unknowingly pained his ego and his heart. sometimes, i forget how lucky i am and i forget to appreciate all the awesome things and experiences he shares with me. i tell him many times, i am not perfect. i admit i am wrong and i say i am sorry. but i know, apologizing sometimes is not good enough to erase the damage i have done. yet, he forgives me. yet, he loves me.
i can't predict what life will bring me. i can't foretell what stories will come up next or who are the people i will cross path with. in this make believe world of 'fakes," i am simply struggling to be ME, the original. all i know for sure is, this is MY life. and as life hits me with my life's episode, i will just absorb it, writing stories of my life, one moment at a time. i can't do anything with what life gives...there's nowhere to go but to go on, savor it, live it and then tell it.
Labels: friendship, life, life lessons, love, strength
INDOLENCE
Monday, October 08, 2007
the past weekend,
i literally turned off my cell.
i unhooked the phone jack from my land line.
i know people grew worried that i decided, i'll be INVISIBLE for two days.
despite the many treatments done, my health condition is not up to par and i have to embark in another trial.
i hungered to be A L O N E even just for couple hours.
i itched for some breathing space.
i lusted for just a little IDLE time.
to think things through...
to refocus my strength...
to find my bravery...
to conquer this wild storm...again.
*sigH*
today, despite the hundreds of texts and phonecalls i needed to return, i felt much better...
ready to face the battles ahead again head on...even if i'm tackling it all alone.
Labels: alone, strength
STRENGTH
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
S T R E N G T H
my faith is tested once again. and truth is, my strength can only take me so much. every day, my exhausted mind, body, and soul are just draining with weakness. and seriously, i am T - I - R - E - D. but my Lord, i know, these trials that you give me are challenges to my strength. and i will face it all head on, and i will fight this battle to be strong. but my Lord, equipped me with added power to conquer it all. i leave it all in your grace and mercy. i KNOW...you will see me victorious in the end.
fear not,
for I am with you;
be not dismayed,
for I am your God;
I will strengthen you,
I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 40:28-31
9 But he said to me,
“My grace is sufficient for you,
for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly
of my weaknesses,
so that the power of
Christ may rest upon me.
10 For the sake of Christ,
then, I am content with weaknesses,
insults, hardships,
persecutions, and calamities.
For when I am weak,
then I am strong.
MY PRAYER:
14 For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, 15 from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, 16 that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, 18 may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, 19 and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.
—Ephesians 3:14-19Labels: bible verses, spiritual reveries, strength
I HAVE THE KEY
Saturday, July 14, 2007
there was a line in one of bob marley songs that states, "who are you to judge me? i know i am not pefect and i don't live to be. but
before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean..."
i've been feeling devastated with several aspects of my life lately. the long wait ( i would leave that journey unmentioned)is taking a toll on me. and if any of you were in my shoes, i am quite sure you would feel the same or even worse. i can handle the physical pain. i'm a tough cookie like that. what irks me is when my esteem is attacked. when people assume they can judge for something i am not or for something i have done in my past. they attempt to define me by what they "see" but in all honesty, they did not really "look." they can note to see me as i appear to be, but only a few people know who i really am. what hurts even more is when some people you loved ( and let go) associates you for the mistakes you have committed. here i am building myself up to be a better me and in one glance, they claim the right to throw me out of my built throne. one freaking painful word slashed me and the wounds oozed right back into bleeding. i've tolerated physical aches, grueling surgeries, cheating hearts, mending crushed spirits. but for the first time in a while, i admit, i cried that night. the battlesome warrior in me broke down sobbing. i realized, i am human and shadows of my pasts, no matter how much i eluded from it, it will follow me. what i have done in my past is my past. i know that, i, alone can determine what my future will be. i am NOT my past. and i am what is possible for me. i can not erase the broken hearts & destroyed souls. i begged for their forgiveness as i also try to forgive myself. i am doing the best i can to be smooth in this rough course called life. i am not going to let anyone to ruin that remarkable strength i have. no one will break me down again. i may cry, i may shake, i may collapse, i may fall but one thing is for sure, i will keep getting up. i am bigger than anything that can happen to me. all these things: downfalls, brokenheartedness, ugly pasts and false judgements are outside my door. this is my house. i am the house of bricks. and i, alone, have the key.Labels: quotes, strength
