I’m still alive. 

And I am now a Mom to a very smart and beautiful Rane. 

posted by pinay freestyle @ 5:02 PM [[ 0 comments ]]

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I was awake at dawn as my hubs work early in the morning and I prepared his breakfast. 

posted by pinay freestyle @ 7:25 AM [[ 0 comments ]]

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Dear Tianshi,

6 longest years.
A lot have changed.
But what remains is the memory of you.
You have changed my life unexpectedly.
All that I am and all that I do now in my life is for you.
I wanted to go somewhere today.
But my spirit was too crushed to even get up.
It has been 6 years and yet the pain remains the same.
No one will ever understand.
Since last night, I've spent it weeping.
I thought I would have gotten used to it by now.
Perhaps not.
I Think you...not just today but everyday.
I missed you.
And how I longed that you lived.
We loved you but God loved you more to take you in heaven.
Sigh.
It still pains me to this day.
But your memory lives on.
I have changed entirely because of you.
Nothing will ever be the same after your passing.
But I will be fine.
I know you're there for me looking after me and watching over me.
I will make you proud.
I miss you Tianshi.
Be there for me everyday.
You will forever be in my heart.
You are my source of inspiration.


Love,
Me

posted by pinay freestyle @ 6:53 PM [[ 0 comments ]]

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Wow. I can't even remember when was the last time I blogged. I have been active in Facebook and Instagram but I've completely lost touch here in blog and perhaps, I'll post some of my written posts I had in FB here.

Married life has been a blast. I found my match in RJ. We just turned two years last January. I married him 1-5-15. We are enjoying travel and are ready for a family so we're working on that now.

My Dad's been sickly so I'm devoting almost all of my time for him. Momma retired from work but she's traveling the world doing all her mission work and enjoying what is there to see.

Siblings are doing amazing and are all professionals now.

My in-laws are superb. I could have asked for a better family.

And I'm still working at hospital but furthering my studies. I'm still keeping my dream alive to become a doctor hopefully someday soon.

God has blessed me with so much more. He has given me more than I could have ever imagine.

https://www.instagram.com/xnelironx/

posted by pinay freestyle @ 9:23 AM [[ 0 comments ]]

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posted by pinay freestyle @ 12:00 PM [[ 0 comments ]]

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RJ, my boyfriend since 4-4-14 who I've been dating since January 2014 of this year introduced by my one if my bestfriends Rossini proposed to me June 10, 2014 at 3 pm at Wayfarer's Chapel in Palos Verdes. Yes, I said yes! Surreal. But God given. Just wanted to share it to the world. Well, he'll talk to my parents first tomorrow morning. I'm still speechless and in shock. I'll write something better soon.

posted by pinay freestyle @ 2:22 AM [[ 0 comments ]]

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ME

posted by pinay freestyle @ 9:39 AM [[ 0 comments ]]

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Right Love; Wrong time

posted by pinay freestyle @ 9:36 AM [[ 0 comments ]]

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So many things.

But for now, I'll start with the hardest thing of all.
I wrote my ex and sent him pictures of my son.
We're still on the process of DNA as his family requested.
I paid for the expensive process.
My son is dead.
I'm just fighting for him to be recognized.
But we'll start with that.

posted by pinay freestyle @ 11:21 AM [[ 0 comments ]]

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$100 per hour
SON: "Daddy, may I ask you a question?"
DAD: "Yeah sure, what is it?"
SON: "Daddy, how much do you make an hour?"
DAD: "That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?"
SON: "I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?"
DAD: "If you must know, I make $100 an hour."
SON: "Oh! (With his head down).
SON: "Daddy, may I please borrow $50?"
The father was furious.
DAD: "If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I work hard everyday for such this childish behavior."

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.
The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?
After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think:
Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $ 50 and he really didn't ask for money very often. The man went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door.

DAD: "Are you asleep, son?"

SON: "No daddy, I'm awake".
DAD: "I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier. It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the $50 you asked for."

The little boy sat straight up, smiling.
SON: "Oh, thank you daddy!"
Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills. The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father.

DAD: "Why do you want more money if you already have some?"

SON: "Because I didn't have enough, but now I do.

"Daddy, I have $100 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you."
The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he begged for his forgiveness. It's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts. Do remember to share that $100 worth of your time with someone you love? If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days. But the family and friends we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives. And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than to our family.

Some things are more important than others.—with Nasser Ali and 17 others.
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posted by pinay freestyle @ 8:44 AM [[ 0 comments ]]

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(This song played on  while I was driving on my way home past midnight from the streets of Hollywood. Funny how I'm in the entertainment capital of the world. But amidst ALL the loud nights, bright lights and quests for big dreams, I went on reflection mode. I sat quietly mixed in jammed traffic amongst impatient drivers and I found serenity and solace inside the solitude of my car. With that said, this is today's QUIET MUM of PRAYER. I hope it enlightens you somehow). 

To LISTEN, CLICK HERE and Lyrics POSTED Below

 Dear Lord,

There are many queries.
There are many "Why's?"
But "I'll let go of the questions;"
"I'll take the answers YOU supply ;"
Because "YOU, Lord, know BETTER THAN I."
Use me in Your glory.
AMEN.

Your servant,
Len


"BETTER THAN I"

posted by pinay freestyle @ 10:48 AM [[ 0 comments ]]

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Dear HABIBI, Allan Lloyd ko ,"TOL,"

You came into my life when I lost everything.
You came when I wasn't ready to love.
Funny, you're birthday comes a day after I lost my son.

As kids, we bonded as rival playmates.
You were shy and I was the loud one.
In Catholic grade school at Saint Mary's,
we competed in academically in class.
I was annoyed of you because you think you're all that.
And make it all worse, you were my best friend Sharon and Joan's neighbor.
So it's not like I can avoid your face.
In high school still at Saint Mary's,
I thought you were one of the most cocky person.
Yes, you were good looking and witty,
But that seems to have gotten in your head that you're such an airhead.
And every time you busted out with your corny flirty pick up lines,
I would always find a sarcastic comeback to outsmart you.
And how unlucky I am, I had to be seated next to you that whole year!
Copying from test exams, copy my assignments and getting a higher score than I bugged me even more.

I left for the States for good.
I would go home and I would just see you.
In the latter years, I never heard of you.
And I never saw you again until about three years ago.
Things have changed.
Your life has drastically changed.
And mines too.
You were mesmerized that the tomboy you teased for all of our life has now turned into a swan:)
And You, the secret crush of mine, is telling me this.
And I heard you tell your Mom that if I didn't leave Philippines then,
It would have been us.
We would have been together as a couple.
Because no matter how much we hated each other,
We were naturally drawn to each other.
We were best of friends first.

And two decades after,
God led us to each other.
At the time we were both going through life's crisis.
At the time we felt so hopeless.
At the time we thought we were irrelevant.
At the lowest point of our lives.
At the weakest times of our days.
And oddly, we found strength in each other.

I have gotten close to your family both here in the States and there in Philippines.
Though you're based in Middle East now, you found ways to make this work.
Even effortly assisting and visiting mom when they are home in the Philippines.
And my super strict  parents really like you if she offered you to stay at home during your lengthy drive to see them.
And I felt glad that they are amused by you.

I am not the type to say I love you.
I'm not even the type to display public display of affection.
I'm always on my cool and easy going composure.
Then there's you were.
My exact opposite.
I don't know when and how.
But I did.
I fell inlove with without even realizing it.

It has been two years with you.
It has been highs and lows.
And right now, we're going through another low.
And I've informed you to just give up on me
because there are more important people who needs you more than I do.
And you refused.
You didn't want to.
And I insisted.
Hurting and I'm trying to push you away.

Now in silence,
This song was the only song I can post on my FB and yours.

IN aNOTHER LIFEtime CLICK HERE to LISTEN to listen

posted by pinay freestyle @ 12:41 PM [[ 0 comments ]]

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You're in honor roll all of your life.
Some people had tutors to teach them.
But being a product of an OFW (overseas Filipino worker) mom whose a nurse in Saudi Arabia then to US, you had to make the best out of it.
I was Papa's girl in every sense of the word.
My mom worked abroad  during my forming years.
At 12 years old, I left Philippines.
Because my mom worked as a nurse here in U.S.A.
That was hard.
Because I never really had a mother.
But she left us to provide for us.
It took me awhile to think and accept that.
Raised by nannies and maids, I had to grown up at an early age.
At 10 or 11, I handled all of our family's expenses.
Mom was a nurse abroad.
Papa was a businessman.
My older sister Bel who I'm 7 years apart was in college.
I had to be the strong one.
I had to be a mother-sister-friend-nurturer for my Papa and my siblings.
At 9 or 10, I had to become like an adult.
Not by choice but my circumstances.
I would study.
I would get good grades.
My cousins had the Ricky-rich lifestyles.
My cousins had tutors to sharpen their knowledge.
I had to be there for my Papa and my siblings.
I did the best I could.
I was a consistent honor roll,
Because I had to.
Because that's the only thing I can give my Mama for her hardwork.
I never wanted to leave Philippines.
But Mama said America is the land of honey and grass.
Truly, America taught me a lesson.
It paved my way to grow up, to work hard, to achieve.
I paid my college dues.
I was a Dean and President lister consistently.
I was a recipient of awards and scholarship.
I worked my way up to be recognized.
It was never an easy journey.
I am challenged and judged every day.
I have not quite made it.
I'm still under construction,
But help me, God.
I know He has wonderful plans for me.
And I believe.
I persevere.
So help me, God.

posted by pinay freestyle @ 8:52 PM [[ 0 comments ]]

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Dear Tianshi,

It's All Soul's Day.
And this is the time Filipinos remembers their loved ones who passed away.
In Spanish countries, it's also called Dia de Los Muertos or Day of the Dead.
Of course, you are in my thoughts.
Not just because it's All Soul's Day.
But every second of my life that is left.
If it was up to me, you will be alive here.
But I can't question God for taking you back.
It hurts me.
It still painful.
I still cry a lot.
Couple days ago, it has been twenty nine months.
It rained too.
And I found myself in tears again.
And the pain multiplies again.
But I have no choice but to take it all in
I have to accept the grief that you are now in heaven.
I have to convince myself that I should stop mourning.
Because you are with Our Father Lord and Savior in heaven.
I know you're always looking after me.
Sometimes, I feel your presence.
I know you are always with me.
But I miss you.
There was no day that I thought of you.
There was no day that I didn't thought of your soul.
Someday, Tianshi, I'll get to hold you again.
For now, though it still aches, I would have to be contented you're safe wherever you may be.
I love you, my Tianshi.
Until we meet again.


Love,
Mama Len

posted by pinay freestyle @ 2:47 AM [[ 0 comments ]]

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Dear Dimsum,

It's been that long.
You are now my past.
We now have separate lives with new partners in life.
But I just want to thank you for that journey of having my son who is now an angel in heaven.
He didn't make it but he will always be a part of us.
So thank you for my son.
Just thank you for the memories.
I pray God gives you the happiness.
Thank you for the song below.
Thank you for this song.
I wish you nothing but the best.
I wish you well.

"Princess"

posted by pinay freestyle @ 4:58 AM [[ 0 comments ]]

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There will be something about Gatorade that will make me think of the past. Having had several surgeries, we all know that undergoing a surgical procedures gives the body it's own discomforts and damages. Three of those are (1) nausea and vomiting as the body recuperate back to adjusting the abdominal muscles after the anesthesia and strong pain medicines, (2) blood loss that can dangerously turn to hypovolemic shock of the body and (3) is loss of fluids, electrolytes and mineral imbalances. And as a sickly child who spent my summers with bronchial asthma in the hospitals and having an awesome nurse I call, "Mama," I often rejected the intravenous (IV) insertions and puked all the medicines and Mom's solutions to that was to drink Gatorade to relive my body back to bounce.

Then as an adult, never would I even think about reliving that episodes again. And when I get too sickly, I often just ask for Gatorade when my body rejects an actual food or beverage intake. And as we all know, nurses and medical persons are the worst kind of patients. And I admit, I certainly am is one of them as I say "no" and decline anything that I feel that I don't need. And I am as stubborn as I can be.

Needless to say, even when the  love of my life took care of me when I was too sick, I just asked for Gatorade if he asked if I needed anything. Well, I asked for plain soup broth and Gatorade to replenish my weakling body. And that's all he brought me. In fact, he restocked my fridge in my room for those Gatorade just so I would never ran out.

I guess that's what Gatorades remind me of: simply LOVE. Because they but me those so ill fee better coping up physically. And sometimes, I don't even ask for it and its there next to me readily available just in case I needed it.

It has been a tedious week of going back and forth to emergency rooms this week. I wish I was the one giving the medical attention. But sadly, it is the vice versa. I am on the receiving end as my is showing signs of digestive discomforts and gallbladder problems that might lead to a gallbladder removal soon. I pray not. Mom is feeling sickly lately too that I have ignored my own painful symptoms just so I can take care of her and be by her side when she needs me. I have to be pretend I am the strongest because I can not afford to be weak when My own mother is not feeling all too well.

Tonight, as I watch over Mom waiting for her medicines I have given her, I write here my thoughts. I can't even tell you how many meals my body rejected. I have been undergoing nausea and vomiting episodes triggered by pain from my gallbladder. And I sneaked out from Mom to puke in the
Restroom and sneak out a Gatorade drink. Only because the Gatorade is the only thing my body can tolerate right now.

So here's reminiscing...
Here's to taking care of myself...
Here's to reminders of love and being loved...
Here's to drinking Gatorade now even if in pain.
Why?
Because Gatorade is love.
Gatorade is loving myself just like the people around me loves me.

posted by pinay freestyle @ 9:48 PM [[ 0 comments ]]

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I've mastered the world of chopsticks.
I am of Chinese decent as my ancestors came from China.
But I grew up Filipino and Spanish almost forgetting my Chinese roots.
Months ago, when I visited my Lola Fe (Grandma Fe) in Santa Barbara, she reminded me that I hailed from my Chinese ancestors of Sy, So and Tan.
And that my great grandfather were so Chinese that is why I can not be denied with my chinky eyes who are proud Hookien descendants in China.
But I think I learned to be more Chinese because of someone else.
You see, I adopted more to my Spanish heritage hearing my grandparents spoke Spanish growing up.
I see my Maternal and Paternal grannies and I could not be denied of my Asian roots.
But I was raised more Spanish and Filipino than even being Chinese or Japanese.
It sucks that I am more Chinese now because I was influence by someone else in my past.
And my son who is half-Chinese Vietnamese made me realize the importance of recognizing my own roots.
I will never be too Chinesey enough.
I can eat chopsticks well now because I forced my self to relearn it because of that someone in my past.
I never admitted it but what he doesn't know is that I understood some of the Chinese language they spoke about behind my back.
I never claimed but he didn't know that I was a black belter in Karate and  Wi-Shu growing up.
I never talked about it but I spent endless memories and I spent a huge portion of my childhood eating eating xiumai, Cha si bao.
And that I am so great at using the Chinese abacus than any calculator because that's what my grannies taught me.
I will never be Chinese enough.
I will never be Chinese as they are.
But what sets me apart?
I am Chinese.
It ran in my veins.
I ate with Chopsticks too like they did.
But I'm proud to be Chinese now because I have a son whom I passed on my blood to,
I may never be able to teach Him what being Chinese is all about.
But we get to share that together.
We wille as Chinese as we can .
We can not deny.
It is us.
It is me.
It is even more of him.

posted by pinay freestyle @ 10:15 PM [[ 0 comments ]]

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Dear angel in heaven,

The past few months, I vowed to live each day of my life to the fullest. I travelled the thirty seven states out of the 50 states of the United States the past weeks.  I have robbed  shoulders with every ethnicity and met new wonderful friends from Europe, Asia and all over. I told in my status that I have circled more than one half of the world and I have a little less than half to see the rest of it. And I am determined more than ever to see each corner.

This week was extra special because I am with my complete family. Your Tito LA is back from New York and his world tour with his dance company and his gigs from The Juilliard School. And the Labor Day weekend was just a cherry on top. Although, having that one on one and up close and personal time with Shamu at Sea World probably brings me back to being a child. How I wish I shared that with you. You, too will enjoy the waters as much as I do. And anywhere where there is a beach, it seems like paradise for me.

Yesterday, I got a call from the school I have been eyeing on. You know, Medical Field is a difficult area to penetrate. And it takes a lot of heart and soul to be someone in healthcare. Nursing was not my preference of choice at first. I wanted to be a pilot, join the Airforce and fly an airplane. But your grandfather hesitated to send me during the hype of the Gulf War. So I opted for nursing because it made your Lola/Grana Belen happy that I am following her footsteps as she was a devoted Registered Nurse. And grandpa/Lolo Bert, though he did not finished all the way because he had to be the father and the primary breadwinner when your great grandfather Lolo Adring/ the late Mayor Adriano was set to jail during the Marcos Regime in the Philippines, he went to Medical School and was supposed to become a Doctor. So, weirdly, being a healthcare professional lied in my genes.

At first, I hesitated. The tedious learning of Biology and Science annoyed me. The busy schedule of being a nurse scared me because I watched my own Mom always doing twelve hours graveyard shifts  and struggled with quality time for us. But God places us in situations we never plan because we were always meant to be there without even realizing. In short, I have learned to love being in the Nursing profession. No robots can replace the tender loving care of a nurse. And one has to have the heart. And I think I've got that.

And now, there's a higher calling to pursue Medical School. I've learned from the school yesterday that I can attain that and do that in just couple of years. And I am now on their pathway program accrediting all that I have taken in college and achieving becoming a Doctor. My transcripts are on its way and it's both a scary and an exciting process. And I will be meeting with the Medical School Panel come September 19th. Can I do this? I'm with your Tito Allan now and he is quite far because of the demands of his job but I'm sure he will be forever supportive of my goals. Will I be able to juggle it? If I do, will he wait for me to become a doctor and then we can pursue our dreams of marriage and family? I don't know the answer.

The passion to travel took over me once again. My greatest goal is to do a Medical Mission to Vietnam because that reminds me of you. I told your Tita Balot, my bestfriend, that I was not able to save my own son's life. God had to take you back. But I asked God why He puts me in a place that I have to be someone saving other people's lives. It's ironic. But you know, God only knows His plans for us. And being His faithful servant, I would have to follow my heart.

I don't know where the roads lead. Your Auntie Bel, my big sister, encouraged me to pursue my gift of writing or what she calls my "Shakespearean." Writing will always have a special place in my heart. Who knows? I might purpose a double Doctorate degree advancing my ComArts and English Lit degree and a Medical profession? Life is full of surprises. As all I can us to savor it in.

Although, grief and morning of losing you still impedes my soul and breaks my heart in half, I ought to be thankful for the experience of being your mother once. How I wished you lived so I can show you how wonderful of a mom I could have been. When I see two year olds running around, I could not help but think you and what it could have been. I would have been a great mom because I practically raised my siblings and your cousins Ischa and Ichad. I was ready for you, my son if I knew you were in my womb. But I know you are happy in heaven. And God is taking great care of you.

I just missed you. And all that I have now was because you made me realize life can turn in a split second. And even though you are an angel in heaven now, all that I am, all that I have, all that I have been and all that I am yet to be is because of you. You have given me another perspective and inspiration in life. My dreams slowly unfolding. My travels are rewarding. Yet sometimes it still inadequate. It is still not sufficient. Why? Because I wanted to share these journey with you, my angel son.

But we will get there. When I see you in heaven, I will be able to share my stories and I will tell you all about it. Right now, I get to share it here with you and my avid readers as I write about it. Someday, we will have our time together. For the meantime, dream with me, travel with me, guide me and always watch over me.

I miss you and I love you, my baby son, Simon Hung, my angel in heaven.
Until we meet again.

Love,
your Mama Len

posted by pinay freestyle @ 11:05 AM [[ 0 comments ]]

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This birthday was quite different. 

posted by pinay freestyle @ 1:22 AM [[ 0 comments ]]

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On lunch break.
Talking to my Bessie BALOT...

On the day my son died, my nails were colored green. I remembered that so clearly because they had to remove my nail polish while I was inside the ambulance to the emergency room to get my Oxygen saturation percentage in my system. It was 86 percent (it's severly abnormal) then on the way to Cedars Sinai supposedly. I never made it to Cedars because I hyperventilated and was going hypovolemic shock. I went to Olympia Medical Center instead because it's the nearest hospital otherwise I won't make it. I lived to tell my story. In exchange of my son's life. Two years after, no one gets me pain. I'm so upset at myself that I'm still hurting. It does not help. And ALG, I just want him to be there. Buwisit. Crying again. Today, amidst the tears, I can't cry and have to give the fakest smile. Today, I paint my nails green. For that little angel in heaven who is the reason why I'm still alive;( And no one gets it;(

posted by pinay freestyle @ 12:23 PM [[ 0 comments ]]

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