Tuesday, April 30, 2002
the ring
my supervisor tony:
she's coming today at lunch.
me:
she ? she- who?
tony:
my wife...well, the woman i married.
me:
and? that's good...finally, i get to meet her. or we get to meet her.
tony:
no..you don't understand. i forgot my wedding ring in my car.
(oh by the way, the car garage is a block away 7 floors down below our floor and then the building right behind us)
me: your point?
tony:
see, i have a wear it before she says anything. maybe, i can tell her, it gets caught in the gloves and powder get stuck on it. hmm. maybe, i can tell her, i gett allergic reaction with gloves on, or that it's hospital protocol that we shouldn't wear rings while performing procedures (*smiles*).
me: *listening*
u-huh ( sarcastically)
tony:
not good huh? not good enough?
me:
just get the goddamn ring....hurry before i change my mind.
tony:
ok, give me 5-10 minutes to run down & get it.
15 minutes after:
she comes in.
tony:
len, meet my wife ( forgot her name)
looks at her finger -- her wedding ring. i smiled. she smiled back.
the wife: nice meeting you, len.
tony: everyone, this is my wife. see i'm married. (points to the ring)
everyone smiled.
five minutes after she left. he tales off the ring, puts in on his wallet.
tony:
len, if you have fine homegirls, hook me up. i'll take them anywhere.
len:
i thought you said you were married.
tony:
see, she wanted me, you know.
len:
tony, leave me alone before i tell your wife you're about to commit adultery.
tony:
you're mean.
len:
i'll count to ten...if you don't shut up, i swear, i'n gon'e run downstairs and tell her.
he leaves. hahahah. LOL
men...i still don't get it. men....can't kill them, can't live without them!
pay - off
12 ( sometimes, up to 16 ) hours shift 4 days a week ( first job)
+ 8 hours shift 3 days a week ( second job)
+ 10 -12 hours of school ( 3 days a week)
+ chores at home
+ bills to pay
+ family to support
+ no sleep
+ no social life
+ no love life
+ a lot of sacrifices
______________________________
= rewarding benefits
NOT!
i just did that to get your attention.
truth is, everything is fine except i am super duper tired and i feel like i am a walking lightheaded zombie.
but if you want to know, here's just some of the proud accomplishments i had :
(1)
first exam: 100 points out of 100
2nd exam: 96 out of a 100
-----------------------------------------------
not bad for a
calculus & statistics class
(2)
political science: highest score ont he test
art 101: A baby!
sociology 28: A
all my RN classes: A
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
total: grade point GPA as of now: 4.0
all of college GPA: 4.0
______________________________________________________
which means:
*dean's scholarship awardee
* presidential scholarship awardee
* free tuition!!!!
* full scholarships
- i just cash the check from one of them...more to go!!!!
want more?
* my hospital wanted to sponsor me and send me to school from their expense but i said, ahmm, i have scholarship so they raise my salary...weeh!
* more benefits.
bad?
* more taxes for uncle sam...grrrr.
Wednesday, April 24, 2002
I submitted this article for some ezine which I will tell you about later. Just thought I 'd share it with you.
Final Farewell
It was a platinum and gold with aligned diamond on top. Apparently, he saved his money for months now just for that. He bought me an engagement ring and proposed to me thrice. But I never accepted any of them. " I was too young, " " I was not ready," " It's too soon, " these were just some of my excuses. But the truth is, I am really scared.
His name is Glenn. I'll cut the story short. We were friends who became a couple under wrong circumstance: we were both mending a broken heart. But love approach us in the least expected moment we wanted it. In our case, when everyone was drunk and we were the only ones sober and so we were stuck with each other that whole night at that party. We discovered so much abotu each other then. The next day, he asked me outon a date. And the rest, as they utter, was history.
. That was four years and a half years ago. Glenn and I were practically married. I knew him so well. His mannerisms, his loud giggles, his chauvinistic ego that always irked me, and overwhelming laughter as he laughed at my jokes...I knew him with my eyes close. I could tell if he was upset, if he had a problem, or whether or not he was lying to me. And in return, he was probably the only person in this whole world who knew the entire me. He took time to discover me inside and out.
Together, people thought, we were such an odd match. But we fitted perfectly because we were complete opposites. But it worked very well for us. His strengths were my weaknesses and vice versa. While he was the shy one, I was the onewho mingled well with the crowd. I loved English and Science, he loved Mathematics. Our differences made up for our imperfections. For instance, he would do my Calculus hoemworks for me and I would correct his term papers.
Glenn is now in the Philippines now for another vacation. The last time we talked, I suggested we needed to stop communicating for the betterment of each other's situation. It was probably the hardest thing I had ever done: to tell someone I loved dearly with all my heart " I love you" and Goodbye"at the same moment... for the last time. Not because my heart wanted it, but because my mind said it was the right thing to do.
Why?
She needed him more than I needed him. She, referring to the girl he impregnated in the Philippines while he was there on vacation a year and a half ago, had a baby boy. And the baby boy, named after me (she has no clue), was the endless and imprinted reminder that he once cheated on me. They have a baby together now. And their families decided they had to get marry because they now have a child. And they have to give that child a family. The child needs him. The baby's mom hungers to have him. I do not think she knew anything about me at all. Let's just say, I am non existent.
I affirmed Glenn what needed to be said. He was aware of the pain he caused me. But I with my head up high trying to hold tears from falling down my eyes. I did not long for him to see me even shed one tear. I yearn to leave him an impression that I was strong. And I am strong. But strong women cry, too. But I only did that behind close curtains. I commented he needed to be a man, to face and solve the problems and not turn his back on his responsibilities.
April 18, 2002. That was his wedding day...to her...not me...
never me. I suppose, he is a married man now. I hope he is happy. The last thing I want is to regret what we had. We had an awesome time together. It 's just we were not meant to be together... forever. I yearn to savor the mementos and the times shared. After all, he taught me the greatest lesson in life: to love with all my heart and to let it go freely because it was necessary.
I had a relationship after him. But it was not the same. I could not love the way I used to. I could not feel the emotions as much as I want to. The wounds he left on me, it healed and now, it turned into permanent scars that will affect me on my decisions in love. It will take a long time to bury the pain and to stop my heart from hruting when I remember his name.
Apparently, the only constant thing in our lives is change. For Glenn and I, these unexpected events and unavoidable mistakes made us drift apart and shift our lives in two opposite directions. These are mistakes we can never erase or correct. But for me, it became my life's learning tool towards approaching experiences.
Someday, my path will cross with his. Perhaps, I can face him without feeling the twinge. Perhaps, I can see his child who has my name. Perhaps, I can talk to his wife confortably and look on her finger while she wore my supposedly platinum wedding ring that was suppose to be mine. Perhaps, I can remember our moments together and smile. Maybe then, I am fully recovered and pain free from the torment he caused me.
Perhaps, later on.
But not now.
For now, all I can do, is thank him for the love and the unforgettable memories and lessons in love and life. I pray he is happily contented. When the right time comes, I will be, too. I am looking forward to that future.
Maybe, someday.
Sunday, April 21, 2002
wonderful?
"someday, you'll make a beautiful and wonderful wife. i can just tell by the way you treat and took good care me ...and us. i can tell it from a far."
i was at work today. one of my patients told me this. it's weird because i never thought of getting married anytime soon. well, not in the next five years. besides, i am not even attached to anyone. i have not found
"him" yetn ( whoever is he). but regarding being a
"good nurse, "
i suppose, that was compliment. i love my job and i would not even gone into nursing hadn't i want it.
but a good wife? i don't know. i am very compassionate person. i believe that everyone shoudl be treated with equal outmost respect regardless of their status in life or who ever they are. i mean, they are human just like me. they way i treated my patient is the way i treat everyone. perhaps, i am extra caring to my family, friends, and if i had a partner, to him, too.
i have not found "him" yet. but if somewhere along the way, we find each other, i will be ever loving and caring. i do think, i will be a good wife someday. heheh. after all, i had been and will be a wonderful girlfriend. i know i want to be a good mother. that's for sure.
when the right time comes.
someday....
Friday, April 19, 2002
never be his again
i imagined how he will look like. is he going to wear a traditional white
"barong" ( filipino formal attire for men) with matching black slacks? or will he be in his pure white tuxedo? i can't exactly draw it but i knew he wanted to wear white, for sure.
i wondered how he was feeling. is or was he ready to face this decision? this is something he will be stuck with for the rest of his life. it's no turning back.
i pictured myself there. hence, if i was there, would he reverse his decision? our last conversation, he said he wanted to see me there. i asked if he was sure.
he replied,
" hmm, maybe, it's not a good idea."
"i asked,
" how does it feel? are you scared? are you excited?"
he answered,
" i won't really know until i get there. it's mixed emotions. i don't think i am ready for it. i'm scared. but...."
in my head,
"but.....i don't want to hear it."
at work today, i resumed to my regular routine: giving the patients' medications and treatments. i opened the patients' logs and charts and documented the usual medical daignoses and findings. but something bothered me. did i forget something? it wasn't until the last page of the patient's chart when i realized what really bugged me.
it is now april 19, 2002. but when i charted, 2 hours ago, it was april 18, 2002. i thought of glenn.
glenn: my exboyfriend of four years, the man who i devoted my love to, the one who went home to the philippines and got someone pregnant through a one night stand and now, had a baby with, the guy i loved and the guy who broke my heart a million times into debris and minute pieces.
remember now? yeah...that loser, that a-hole...that guy. my exboyfriend, now my bestfriend but i told him, it was better for him not to comunicate with me . so i guess, now my ex-bestfriend, too.
well, he is in the philippines again. but it's for different purpose now. and yesterday, april 18, 2002, was his wedding day to the girl he impregnated. he walked the aisle already. he gave her the ring which was supposed to be mine. and they're having thei honeymoon as i am writing this. ecckk. i don't even want o knwo what they were doing.
why did i let him slip away? i didn't. it's because they had a baby. and i couldn't deal with it. i wanted to give the infant , whom he named after me, a future by having both parents in his life. so i set glenn free to be with the baby's mother. she ( or they: the baby and her) needed me more than i needed him in my life. to make it all short, they are now officially married and she is now carrying his last name. she acquired the last name i would never add to mines. ever.
what do i feel? i feel hurt. don't sympathize with me. don't get me wrong. i chose my decision. and i do not regret it. but i'm hurt because he was a HUGE part of me. and i don't think i will ever love the way that i loved him. i had relationships after him but it wasn't the same. i could not love the way i used to love...because i am scared and still is.
but now...he is married. the last time i talked to him, i said,
i loved him for the last time. but it was friendly ex-boyfriend and bestfriend love. nothing more. i guess, i am hurtign because i realize i will never be his and he will never be mine. and with it, i bid the all the memories farewell.
this is it. this is my final good bye.
GLENN, thank you for the wonderful years. i hope you are happy with her because i will be happy if you are happy. and please take care of her and baby gien. and really, i meant it when i said, i am happy for you.
in no time, my wounds will heal. though it will leave scars, it will also remind me of you.
again, thank you so much and...
good bye.
Sunday, April 14, 2002
peeping stares
he stared...at me.
do i have a dirty spot on my face? why the heck is he looking at me weird? did i do something wrong? after all, i am an orientee and he was my orientor and it was his obligation to monitor my procedures and to correct my errors.
i just started this other job at this acute hospital in los angeles ( but concentrated mainly on medical-surgical and oncology) . i have to be an orientee for a whole month (two weeks of which i did already) due to the many hospital protocols, medical treatments and procedures i am subjected to learn and hopefully remember when i am alone. and of course, he was my orientor and i only met him this weekend since this is my second job.
and we clicked.
by the end of saturday, we were getting along fine. he complimented me for my enthusiasm, knowledge and for being such a fast and yet, patient learner. then today, he opened up more. he mentioned his ex gf's and his current, his life, his struggles, his family. and i , being the coward that i am, i chose to not disclose my life...not yet. i just met him yesterday!
then today came, while i documented the treatments and procedures done on the patients' charts, he sat either in front of me or beside me. he' was supposed to look and check whether i charted right, to monitor my manual skills and to check whether i did it safe. to be fair, he did all these.
but he also stared.
stared at me, a lot. there were times when i coincidently looked his way and our eyes would meet and i would smile and he would, too. and then i 'd avoid his stares because it made me uncomfy. i think he noticed it so he'd pretend he wasn't looking at me.
at the corner of my eyes, then i would check if he did. i 'd glimpse at him and again, i would caught him staring at me. other times, when we did manual skills like drawing blood or do electrocardiogram ( EKG), he would hold my hand. if i did a great job, he would pat my back. or give a lose hug. and i cracked up jokes, he woudl laugh so hard. i'd tease him and he would tease me back. and oh yeah, he bought me lunch and made me coffee. hehehe.
he's cute, he is very gentleman, very funny, down to earth and mom likes him...he is very educated.
but... he also has a gf.
i'll see him again this week when i work there on the weekend. and once again, i will survey his stares and gazes.
his name is doug...i call him, " professor doug."
Friday, April 12, 2002
serenity
once in a while, i yearn for a quiet, placid moment. my hectic and routined schedule lately kept me away from experiencing any sort of tranquility. i craved for those instances when the only noises i hear when the wind is blowing on my face or when the raindrops are falling on our roof. i wished for those flashes of minutes when i watch the sun set or sun rise on the coast's horizon. these are the pith moments when i reanalyze my day, refresh my thoughts, reminisce my past, rethink my future.
i miss all these: the magnitude of just stopping and smelling the coffee , or inhailing the breezy fresh air, or watching the children play innocently at the park, or the jiffy shakes of the clock when i write heartfelt letter or poetry, or the driving time in between destinations when i drive to go to work, or school or go home when i can just meditate.
eversince i returned from up north, i usually go to st. basil cathedral here in los angeles whenever i get the chance. but i go there on the quiet hours. i want my time there to be a time when i can breath. this is where i can unload my heavy burdened heart and soul. this is the cracks of the day where and when i can have one-on-one conversations with the Lord, where everything is peacefully solemn. this is the place where my scattered and confused thoughts converts to undisturbed and colected contemplations and my agitated and stormy emotions switched to smooth and unruffled feelings.
at present, it's 1:31 am.
and i am once again invaded with perturbed lingerings and turbulent pasts. i want to close my eyes now and get rid of the uneasiness. instead, i yearn to free my soul from any type of distress. i want things to flow smoothly and phlegmatic just like the times when i meditate and pray, when i watch the sunset, when i listen to the raindrops, when i feel even tempred and laidback. RRRR. i want these fidgety musings to go away . they are trying to decomposed me from my previously possessed tranquility.
just...
....just take me away from this tensed feeling and agitation.
instead, bring my back to the still of the night, to the reposed view as the sun sets, to the halycyon as i pray in that cathedral....
just....
bring me back to my hushed sleep...
...smooth, calm, tranquil and serene.
Thursday, April 11, 2002
oh yeah...
welcome baby justin!!!
ninang len loves you.
my close friend janet and husband amstrong had a premature baby boy yesterday. i'll see you soon.
scar free
did i tell you my big sister and her kids are here in los angeles from the philippines for their summer vacation? well, if not, they are.
this is between you and me. i am so proud of how my sis is dealing with her life now being a single mom. i wanted that a~~hole out of her life because he's such a coward that all he always do is make my sister work her butt off and pay their bills and he can't even contribute a single centavo to the expenses. and when conflicts arise, he couldn't settle it with a talk. he deals with the anger through hitting my big sis. my sis tolerated this for years. and it brought trauma to my niece and nephew.
i hated seeing my sister cover up for his cowardness. one time, i saw a bruise on her arm while she was hiding the inevitable scars under a long sleeve dress shirt. and when i asked her what had happened, she simply replied,
" oh. it's just a petty fight." i never really understood why women stay in abusive relationships? i studied some reasons in sociology class: for the kids, because they are scared, because they think marriage isnot somethign they should give up on, because they love their partners. where's love when he's beating you up? and when are you going to move on? when are going to stand up on your own feet? when the end is near? when you're dead or in the hospital somewhere?
it takes guts to leave. i knew it was a difficult decision for "ate" to tell him that he needs to get out of their life or else, she will pursue domestic violence charges on him and he will eventually pay his dues in jail. after all the beatings, after all the times i irked my sister to leave this loser, after the emotional, mental, and physical damage, she told him off and kicked him out of the house. now, that's my sister!: feisty and strong! and i am darn proud of her.
occasionally, the children would look for their dad. but my sister allowed their father ot have visitation rights. but their new set up is much better than tehe old one because now, my sister is free and bruiseless. the kids are still gradually adjusting to the situation but they're progressing very well. two nights ago, my three years old niece woke up and cried because she missed her dad. when she asked me about her dad, i did not know what to say. she was too young to understand. eventually someday, i will have to tell her.
i am working two jobs and going to school full time for a higher degree to help my sister out with the finances and so that someday, i can make life better for them, too. i am aware of how rough life is with her right now and yet, she chose not to complain or even ask for any help. with extra earnings, we were able to give her a break here in U.S. away from the man she loved but later, tarnished her body and soul. and i am making every effort to take the trauma off my niece and my nephew.
i sent them to disneyland, sea world, universal, beaches...and more ot come. i spent endless hours playing with them when i am off from work. they even sleep with me. with the paycheck i got from my other part tiem job, i am taking them to the toy store. i know these are not enough to make them forget the torment. these are just little things i can give them. i can never replace the love of their father. but i am doign my very best to be a second mother to them and help my sister out the most i can.
it's an elongated process and enermous adjusting. and it will not be easy along the way. i am certain there will still be obstacles. both the children, my sister, and us, her family will adjusts. but the good thing is, there's no bruise, and there will be no pain or abuse or cries. instead, it's a family full of love and support. i don't want to blame my sister for the shortcomings she made in the past. besides, we can not reverse those mistakes. we can only work with them and rise above them.
i believe that's my purpose for now. so,
"ate, " ( big sis) and to my "
pamangkins" ( nephew and niece), no matter what, i love you dearly and i will never leave your side. hang in there. i am aware i can fully experience nor explain what you are going through, but one thign i can assure you is that when every window or door shuts on you, mine will always be open and ready to embrace you with an open arms.
Sunday, April 07, 2002
more than a clown
handwritten, i wrote this entry at work the other night.
05 april 2002 (10:15 pm)
more than a clown
it's an ardous job for me to trust anyone completely. i don' t think i am antisocial. i have an enermous number of friends. but i just find it extremely bothersome to let anyoen take a peek of the quiet and private side of me, the REAL me. it's rockyly strange because i am labelled, "
wacky;" the one goofing around in the group, cracking up jokes here and there. it's metaphorically weird how my peers and colleagues nicknamed me, " the
CLOWN."
don't get me wrong. i am absolutely delighted that my friends appreciates my sense of bantered humor. i am glad that i am able to share my fondness of jesting comedy to them. it's always a pleasure to make someone smile or even laugh. it's a great feeling to know i make someone's day brighter or even to see the smile on their faces.
but....
.... i long to be noticed.
i am more than my comicality and drollery. i am beyond the endless giggles, the loud laughters, and the character who tells the jokes. i just noticed no one no one ever really takes the time to REALLY get to know me. while i spend hours and efforts to discover the people around me or the people i already knew, no one have actually divulge their time nor attempted to discover me.
only a few knew my birthdate fell on july. i bet, none of them knew my favorite color is red, that i am fond of poetry and literature, that i enjoy the beach and i loved the hearing the raindrops and watching the sun set, or that i am absolutely a starbvucks' freak. whiel they run to me for life's advices, while i listen to their stories, dramas, and dilemmas, and deal with their tantrums and tempers, they never offered comfort at the time i needed it. as a matter of fact, over the years, i learned to face and solve my problems alone.
interesting how they tagged me, " the
clown." yes, i enjoy comedy and i rejoice in seeing happy faces. their smiles and their hysterical "
my-stomach-is-hurting" laughters means the world to me. but them? have they ever wondered who i really am? have they ever even attempted to discover the person behind that mask of the clown?
if not, they are missing out on a lot.
....because....
i have so much more to offer.
.....because...
....i am more than a clown.
Tuesday, April 02, 2002
pledge
AB called me last night. he wanted to see me last night because apparently, he tried to reach me but i was never home. but i declined his offer because i made plans with my aunt to get our nails done and do some shopping. but we talked well. it was normal. we discussed our recent escapades and plans. i decided i would not let my emotions override nor ruin the wonderful conversation we had. for the time being, i ignored my discrepancies and the hurt.
so, i am going to see him tonight. i told myself i will not let his sweetness, wits, and charm overwhelm me. i promised myself i will be more cautious with my thoughts and to watch my words. i ensured that his smiles will not attract me --- again. i assented that i will avoid his long stares, his warm embraces, his kisses, and "
sweet talks." i will not consent myself to like him more than i already do because it will just make things difficult to handle.
i am looking out for myself now. i realise i
have to love myself before i can even love anyone. and trust me, i am working diligently at being better at that. i am fixing the shattered esteem and the moving away from the painful shadows of my past. i am seeking for the things that makes me special instead of what makes me not.
it will not be easy to disregard the critics who will continue to strip me of my sense of self. i am aware of the ardous process of uncompounding and manifesting my real self worth. i know it will be a tedious and a troublesome method. but everything is complex in this complicated world. one needs to disregard the intricate aspect of life and concentrate on the things that mattered most: family, friends, dreams, goals, the Lord.
this is my pledge to myself: i promise to love myself first...and MORE.
