Friday, September 28, 2001
mix thoughts and feelings
missing: my
ate bel and my
pamangkins ( my niece ischa and my nephew ichad_from PI, my siblings, my dada n mommy, and RON
feeling:depressed
thinking: how in the hell will i get myself together and my problems solved.
hoping: tomorrow is a brighter day.
what's making me happy: it's windy here today, signs that winter is approaching.
feeling superb: because RON always says he loves me and that i am hiS HOPE. *aww*
i have been so preoccupied with things i need to prioritize. i just want everyone to know that I AM STILL ALIVE. lol. a lot of things have been digging my brains for the past few days. and i am caught with so many things to do. i don't even have enough time for myself.even ron is complaining. there's so many things that has been bugging me lately. i don't even know where and how to start. surprisingly enough, ziggy is one of them.i am hating him with a passion...rrr and that girl that my brother liked so much, ezra. ahh, i'll fillyou in with the details soon.just know that if it wasn't wrong to kill, these two will be on my top 5 list. well, i need time to gather up my thoughts. i seriously need to get back in focus. it's affecting me greatly that i can't put my thoughts and emotions in order that i tend to shut my world. and i don't want that. i need to be the lively and organize person that i am. and as soon as i get that accomplish, maybe, i can write coherent and interesting blogs here again.
quick shout outs:
HELLO MAFF.please keep in touch.
HELLO MICKEY. hope everything is cool.
TO MAH BABE RON: i don't know if you have access to my blogs yet, but just want you to know that
this lady writing this blogs LOVES YOU. <3
Monday, September 24, 2001
overcoming the tiring party weekend in los angeles!
i am back here in up north after the tiring and sleepless weekend in los angeles
. well, i'm still on a hang over. but i'll just post a quick recap of my weekend.
sept.21-22(midnight)
* got to los angeles safe and sound. we got there pretty late, but my whole family was waiting for us there. we went out to yoshiyoyi at 3am to eat.i got home at 4 and started packing things i had to bring back here.at 4:30 am, my baby came and stayed with me until 5 am because he had work.
sept 22
*shopping spree at camarillo!!!! whoa, this is like a haven for me! i love ralph lauren! thank you for the cheap sale price! hehehe. i'm happy.
* pick up kristina (my cousin's bestfriend) at cal.poly in pomona.
* went to mah babe's work to bring him food.
*at 10 pm---we ( cousin aileen and friends, my sister noreene and friends, my other cousins, i and my friends) all headed to
the palace to dance and drank the night (and morning ) away! we had thrills and some other "wild" stuff. it's too many to mention. let's just say there was 1500 people in palace that night.imagine!!!?yep, fun, fun, fun. words can not even describe it. but forsome reason, i didn't want to dance withany strangers in there. i was hoping it was ron! he had to go to work. but ahhh,. i swear i only danced with my friends! i just feel that i need to be faithful to ron because he is the most wonderful man i ever knew.
sept 23
* left palace at 3 am. my brother and his friends picked us up. and then we( the starving and drunk clubbers) were so hungry so we ended up going to the nearest denny's while brother long and friends went to the internet cafe to play counter strike. we got home at about 6am.
*from 6 am, i started packing more of my belongings.i think i was packing until 8 am. the sun was out when i went to sleep.
*then erika came, then mah baby came to get the documents he needed.
*then to starbucks after 2 hours of sleep.
* then rushed out of los angeles @ 2 pm...i was crying on my way home.i miss ron. i miss mama and papa and siblings. it was always hard to leave them behind. and ron was telling me that i need not to cry because they will be safe. i guess, i was really homesicked.
*i got here up north at 8pm. ahh...another long time of torture...and feeling the misery of homesickness.i can not wait for the next timeto go back there.
Thursday, September 20, 2001
home sweet home
well, i am going home to los angeles in couple hours.i'm excited. when i was in philippines, there was this certain urge to go home. i mean, i should be anxious to be back in my home country but no, i couldn't wait to be back in los angeles.
and then now, i am anxious to go back to los angeles again.
yes,the entertainment capital of the world, the home of two time NBA champions,
LOS ANGELES LAKERS, the the ghetto neighborhood, the busy traffic streets, the roudy and insane drivers, the loud people, the wirl and crazy partyers, with helicopters flying, and los angeles police department cars and vans patrolling....this is
LOS ANGELES....
this is my HOME.
YES! I am going home to mah baby tomorrow! I can't wait!!!!I I'll keep you posted! I miss everyone back home!!!
Happy 18th birthday to my sister Noreene andcousin Aileen! Okay, I promised to take you both shopping and clubbing at
the palace in hollywood on Saturday but please, do not abuse this privilege. Anyhowz, nowis the time to be a lady girls....I'm always here for both of you so don't hesitate. And yes, I have to warn you, big sister is watching!
Happy 23rd Birthday to cousin Hannah! You're the best! I love yah,girl!
letter for ron
note: i miss ron the most, thought i'd share my letter to him to you....sssh.it's our little secret. read on....
September 19,2001
11:43 pm
My dearest Ron,
I am sitting in the dark.... here in my room. I used to sit on that same dark corner in LA before, thinking of all my problems when I get depressed. But oddly, it’s quite different now. I am no longer depress. Instead, I am wearing a smile. I am thinking not of my worries and my problems but I am thinking how lucky I am to have someone in my life who loves me as much as I love him.
All these feelings I have in my heart right now are excitingly overwhelming. It has been quite a long time since I last fell in love and fell out of love. I had almost forgotten how and what it feels like to love again. It’s as if I am beginning to refresh my mind and my heart to speak and understand another language I have previously knew to speak but I had forgotten how to start. I mean, I know I have the basics of it, but it seems I am trying to grasp everything again for the first time and I am holding it in. Amd now, I am savoring each and every moment with you.
Recently, I discovered wonderful things in this world that I forgotten to appreciate. I found a new inspiration to live life to the fullest. I looked at every single day and I thank the Lord for everything that I have around me. I began to appreciate the different colors of the flowers as they bloom, the leaves falling from the trees as the fall season enters, the blueness of the skies, the brightness of the rising sun, the sound of the birds chirping, the alluring scent of roses, the wind blowing on my hair, the beautiful horizon on the scenic beach, the cold breeze in the morning and at night....the beauty of nature.
I have learn to appreciate the value of my relationships to people around me. I miss my friends terribly. I miss how my mother nags me every single day to study hard and not be the best but try my best. I miss her morning breakfast that she cooked for me just so I can have the most important meal of the day. I missed my older sister and my nephews and my niece in the Philippines. We used to argue a lot when I was young and now, we are so close as ever. She has became my friend. And I am amazed how she manage to raise wonderful my nephew and my niece and tackling the role of a mother, a professional, and a wife. I miss my nephew and my niece running around hyperactively around. My brother Long’s annoyingness is something to cherish to. I think of the times we ‘d throw our wrestling moves and karate moves on each other. And the times we would have our man to woman talk, how he covered up for me through thick and thin, how he never told my mom my mishaps. My sister Noreene is now becoming a young woman and I want to be an inspiration to her, someone she can always look up to and count on. I miss teaching her how to play the piano and shopping. Of course, I adore the talents of baby brother LA, his love for music, his passion for dancing, his irritating pouts....his determination at understanding problems. But most of all, I miss papa. I miss how he tucks me in bed., how he waits for me to go home every night when I am out, how he gives me everything....even if he had
nothing left for himself.
And then, I miss you. I miss everything that has to do with you....I miss your male chauvinist approach ( “ Men rule!” ), your cockiness ( “Of course, I am always right”), I miss your arrogance(“Okay, I win!”), I miss your daily quesions of concern( “Did you eat?”, “ How was your day?”, ARe you okay?”), your never ending laughters (“ You are funny!), your stubbornness( “You can’t stop me from smoking, I’d die of cancer anyways...”), your drama (“If I die tomorrow, or if anything happens, I want you to know that I love you and I mean it.”) your endearing support (“ I do not want to stop you from doing things you need to achieve, I am just here.”), your determination(“I want to prove everyone I am somebody.”), your patience(“Everything has their own time...we just gotta be patient.”), your practicality (“You only need to buy things that are essential...you need to realize the value of money), your tremendous hardwork ( “I work 50 something hours a week...”), your loyalty to your friends(“I need to help Mark and Susie,” “ I need to take my friend’s brother soemwhere,” “ I have to get Ben his pain meds.” ), your humor(“ I told you, I ‘m a good actor!”), your love for your family ( “I gotta spend time with my mom and my brother,” “I have to take “imo”to the hospital,” “ I go to church because it makes my mom happy.”), your faith in the Lord (“ I prayed for you and us today...”),your deep concern for my family(“ Hey tell your cousin, I found boys lined up for her,” “ Is your dad okay?” “You gotta look out for Albert”), but most of all, your consistent love for me ( Hey girl!!!!!!!! I love you more!)
You brought back the hidden smiles from my lips. You gave me a new sunshine. You make me feel as if I am the most beautiful woman in this world even I don’t think I am not. You showered me with love, care, and concern consistently. You hold me closer at rough times and you remind me that you are here to stay. You wipethe tears falling from my eyes.You are not afraid to show me the “real you.” You showed me that love comes at times when you least expected it. You made emphasis that challenges in relationship should not be a way of drifting apart but should be an opportunity to be strong together. You accepted and loved my imperfections. You realized these are the qualities that makes me unique.You made me realize that arguments should be talked about and settled and that there is nothing with admitting you are sorry. You made me believe in myself, and in US. You said I am and I shoudl always be strong.You taught me me dream and achieve. You taught me to work hard and appreciate all that I have.You gave me a thousand reasons why everyday is worth living. But you are the reason why I am loving. You gave my life a new meaning, polished it with a wondeful rainbow.I owe it all to you.Thank you, baby.You are wonderful.
I can’t guarantee just lovely times with you. I am sure there will be difficult moments that will come our way. But I am not worried because together, we can strongly fight these storms andtornadoes. I am not giving up on you and on us for as long as you want me to be a prt of your life. You complete me....and I inspire you. And I hope I can continue to give you hope and serve as an inspiration. You are my strength...the one who gave my wings.
Let us not stop here. There are more days, weeks, months, and years approaching . Let’s explore it ....
hand in hand,
side by side,
with heart,
mind,
body,
and soul...
TOGETHER.
I love you more than you will ever know, Ron. You are everything to me. All these will be worthless if you are not a part of my life ...believing in my capabilities. Thank you for teaching me how to love again. You are greatly appreciated. And please do not forget that......at all times....
I
love
you
so
much.
Lovesyoumorethanyouloveme,
Len
Friday, September 14, 2001
i was scrolling from
theresa's blog...
her cousin carl allen peralta, a worker of carlton fitzegerald, is one of the manymany filipino missing from the world trade center. i can't even express my grief and anger.checktheresa's blog at http://theresa.nu
resource:cnn.com
idea adopted from
joyce:
Chronology of terror
September 11, 2001
8:45 a.m.: A large plane, possibly a hijacked airliner, crashes into one of the World Trade Center towers, tearing a gaping hole in the building and setting it afire.
9:03 a.m.: A second plane, apparently a passenger jet, crashes into the second World Trade Center tower and explodes. Both buildings are burning.
9:17 a.m.: The FAA shuts down all New York City area airports.
9:21 a.m.: New York City Port Authority orders all bridges and tunnels in the New York City area closed
9:30 a.m.: Bush, speaking in Florida, says the country has suffered an "apparent terrorist attack."
Plane hits WTC.
9:40 a.m.: The FAA halts all flight operations at U.S. airports, the first time in U.S. history that air traffic nationwide has been halted.
9:43 a.m.: An aircraft crashes into the Pentagon, sending up a huge plume of smoke. Evacuation begins immediately.
9:45 a.m.: The White House evacuates.
9:57 a.m.: Bush departs from Florida.
10:05 a.m.: The south tower of the World Trade Center collapses, plummeting into the streets below. A massive cloud of dust and debris forms and slowly drifts away from the building.
Pentagon burns.
10:08 a.m.: Secret Service agents armed with automatic rifles are deployed into Lafayette Park across from the White House.
10:10 a.m.: A portion of the Pentagon collapses.
10:10 a.m.: United Airlines Flight 93 crashes in Somerset County, Pennsylvania, southeast of Pittsburgh.
10:13 a.m.: The United Nations building evacuates, including 4,700 people from the headquarters building and 7,000 total from UNICEF and U.N. development programs.
10:22 a.m.: In Washington, the State and Justice departments are evacuated, along with the World Bank.
10:24 a.m.: The FAA reports that all inbound transatlantic aircraft flying into the United States are being diverted to Canada.
Pennsylvania crash scene
10:28 a.m.: The World Trade Center's north tower collapses from the top down as if it were being peeled apart, releasing a tremendous cloud of debris and smoke.
10:45 a.m.: All federal office buildings in Washington are evacuated.
10.46 a.m.: U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell cuts short his trip to Latin America to return to the United States.
First tower falls.
10.48 a.m.: Police confirm the crash of a large plane in Somerset County, Pennsylvania.
10:53 a.m.: New York's primary elections scheduled for today are postponed.
10:54 a.m.: Israel evacuates all diplomatic missions.
10:57 a.m.: New York Gov. George Pataki says all state government offices are closed.
11:02 a.m.: Giuliani urges New Yorkers to stay at home and orders an evacuation of the area south of Canal Street.
11:16 a.m.: CNN reports that the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is preparing emergency-response teams in a precautionary move.
11:18 a.m.: American Airlines reports it has lost two aircraft. American Flight 11, a Boeing 767 flying from Boston to Los Angeles, had 81 passengers and 11 crew aboard. Flight 77, a Boeing 757 en route from Washington's Dulles Airport to Los Angeles, had 58 passengers and six crew members aboard. Flight 11 slammed into the north tower of the World Trade Center.
11:26 a.m.: United Airlines reports that United Flight 93, en route from Newark, New Jersey, to San Francisco, has crashed in Pennsylvania, southeast of Pittsburgh. The airline also says that it is "deeply concerned" about United Flight 175.
11:59 a.m.: United Airlines confirms that Flight 175, from Boston to Los Angeles, has crashed with 56 passengers and nine crew members aboard. Emergency personnel at the scene say there are no survivors.
12:04 p.m.: Los Angeles International Airport is evacuated.
12:15 p.m: San Francisco International Airport is evacuated and shut down. The airport was the destination of United Airlines Flight 93, which crashed in Pennsylvania.
Second tower falls.
12:15 p.m.: The Immigration and Naturalization Service says U.S. borders with Canada and Mexico are on the highest state of alert, but no decision has been made about closing borders.
12:30 p.m.: The FAA says 50 flights are in U.S. airspace, but none are reporting any problems.
1:04 p.m.: Bush, speaking from Barksdale Air Force Base, says that all appropriate security measures are being taken, including putting the U.S. military on high alert worldwide. He asks for prayers for those killed or wounded in the attacks and says: "Make no mistake, the United States will hunt down and punish those responsible for these cowardly acts."
1:27 p.m.: A state of emergency is declared by the city of Washington.
1:44 p.m.: The Pentagon says five warships and two aircraft carriers will leave the U.S. Naval Station in Norfolk, Virginia, to protect the East Coast from further attack and to reduce the number of ships in port. The two carriers, the USS George Washington and the USS John F. Kennedy, are headed for the New York coast. The other ships headed to sea are frigates and guided missile destroyers capable of shooting down aircraft.
1:48 p.m.: President Bush leaves Barksdale Air Force Base in Louisiana aboard Air Force One and flies to an undisclosed location.
"Attacks cowardly"
2 p.m.: Senior FBI sources tell CNN they are working on the assumption that the four airplanes that crashed were hijacked as part of a terrorist attack.
2:30 p.m.: The FAA announces there will be no U.S. commercial air traffic until noon EDT Wednesday.
2:49 p.m.: At a news conference, Giuliani says that subway and bus service are restored in New York City. Asked about the number of people killed, Giuliani says, "I don't think we want to speculate about that -- more than any of us can bear."
3:55 p.m.: Karen Hughes, a White House counselor, says the president is at an undisclosed location, later revealed to be an Air Force base in Nebraska, and is conducting a National Security Council meeting by phone. Vice President Dick Cheney and National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice are in a security facility at the White House. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld is at the Pentagon.
3:55 p.m.: Giuliani now says the number of critically injured in New York City is up to 200 with 2,100 total injuries reported.
4 p.m: CNN National Security Correspondent David Ensor reports that U.S. officials say there are "good indications" that bin Laden is involved in the attacks, based on "new and specific" information developed since the attacks.
4:06 p.m.: California Gov. Gray Davis dispatches urban search-and-rescue teams to New York City.
4:10 p.m.: Building 7 of the World Trade Center complex is reported on fire.
New York Mayor Giuliani
4:20 p.m.: U.S. Sen. Bob Graham, D-Florida, chairman of the Senate Intelligence Committee, says he was "not surprised there was an attack (but) was surprised at the specificity." He says he was "shocked at what actually happened -- the extent of it."
4:25 p.m.: The American Stock Exchange, the Nasdaq and the New York Stock Exchange say they will remain closed Wednesday.
4:30 p.m.: The president leaves Offutt Air Force Base in Nebraska aboard Air Force One to return to Washington.
Soot-covered man
5:15 p.m.: CNN Military Affairs Correspondent Jamie McIntyre reports fires are still burning in part of the Pentagon. No death figures have been released yet.
5:20 p.m.: The 47-story Building 7 of the World Trade Center complex collapses. The evacuated building is damaged when the twin towers across the street collapse earlier in the day. Other nearby buildings in the area remain ablaze.
5:30 p.m.: CNN Senior White House Correspondent John King reports that U.S. officials say the plane that crashed in Pennsylvania could have been headed for one of three possible targets: Camp David, the White House or the U.S. Capitol building.
6 p.m.: Explosions are heard in Kabul, Afghanistan, hours after terrorist attacks targeted financial and military centers in the United States. The attacks occurred at 2:30 a.m. local time. Afghanistan is believed to be the home of Saudi militant Osama bin Laden, who U.S. officials say is possibly behind Tuesday's deadly attacks. U.S. officials say later that the United States had no involvement in the incident whatsoever.
6:10 p.m.: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani urges New Yorkers to stay home Wednesday if they can.
Stunned onlookers
6:40 p.m.: U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld holds a news conference in the Pentagon, noting the building is operational. "It will be in business tomorrow," he says.
6:54 p.m.: Bush arrives back at the White House aboard Marine One and is scheduled to address the nation at 8:30 p.m. The president earlier landed at Andrews Air Force Base with a three-fighter jet escort. CNN's John King reports Laura Bush arrived earlier by motorcade from a "secure location."
7:17 p.m.: U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft says the FBI is setting up a Web site for tips on the attacks: www.ifccfbi.gov. He also says family and friends of possible victims can leave contact information at 800-331-0075.
7:02 p.m.: CNN's Paula Zahn reports the Marriott Hotel near the World Trade Center is on the verge of collapse and says some New York bridges are now open to outbound traffic.
WTC devastation
7:45 p.m.: The New York Police Department says that at least 78 officers are missing. The city also says that as many as half of the first 400 firefighters on the scene were killed.
8:30 p.m. (all times are EDT): President Bush addresses the nation, saying "thousands of lives were suddenly ended by evil" and asks for prayers for the families and friends of Tuesday's victims. "These acts shatter steel, but they cannot dent the steel of American resolve," he says. The president says the U.S. government will make no distinction between the terrorists who committed the acts and those who harbor them. He adds that government offices in Washington are reopening for essential personnel Tuesday night and for all workers Wednesday.
Wednesday, September 12, 2001
AMERICA ATTACKED!!!
yesterday, two jumbo jet airliner purposedly crashed itself to the two towers of the world trade center in new york city. another one hit the pentagon. one was supposed to hit the white house in washington,d.c.but due to the bravery of the civilians on board that plane, who fought with the hijackers, successfully diverted the plane into an empty spot ,but unfortunately,these people died.
i was with cousin aileen and uncle henry when the news flashed on the television. itseemed as if i was watching a war/action flick movie, with bombs, grenade, people running for their lives, dark cloud smoke.only this time, it wasn't a movie. it is so real.the people running for their lives, the people who died when the building collapsed and they were covered with sharp and large debris, the firefighters and policemen who rescued and died as the second plane crashed, the people left in the upperfloors of the building and they were hanging out the windows and eventually jumped out,hoping that this can save their lives, the innocent passengers who travelled on the united and american airlines and the staff and pilots, the men and women that served the pentagon.....ALL THESE PEOPLE...ALL GONE AND DEAD because of the cowardice of these terrorists.
i can not stand watching more injuries and more people die. i was particularly worried for my cousin kuya salde who lived in manhattan and until now, i do not know where he is at. if he was alive, i know he is for sure in the hospital and rescuing the injured and healing the sick.being in the nursing field, if i was there, i knew i would help out. but watching these images on television, i felt helpless. president bush remarked, "there's a yielding anger" within us. yes, i have. i thought about my family and friends who are now deployed to the military since the military are on highest alert (my ex boyfriend glenn and bestfriend, who is an air force reserve, has just reported to peral harbor yesterday, my friend ate rona in the airforce, and elcid in the navy in san diego, probably now in a warship and the thousands of army, navy, airforce, and marine nurses i knew now have to be there,too ).
what touched me the most is when the congress and senate ,whether one was democratic or republican, sang the "god bless america," together. when i saw a segment when college students of different colors, ethnicity, religions, and race came together and say our national anthem, "star spangled banner."
there's anger, there's pity, there's helplessness, there's sadness.i can't stand it anymore. yesterday, i drove into what it seemed like a big party just opposite side of the modesto mall which was by the way closed out and empty. i peeked through these crowded area and there was a big sign outside that stated, "thank you for donating your blood." hundreds of people are donating their blood to help the blood shortage in hospitals in new york and washington area.
my heart sank. as a nurse, i knew this was important. so i decided that today, i am donating my blood to the very same center. this is the least thing i can do for the victims right now. i can pray for them and all...but it's different if i know in my heart i was able to save even just one life. so i encourage my readers to do the same.
this is the time we need to be UNITED and TOGETHER. i cannot emphasize it enough. together, we can make a difference and overcome this catastrophy. together, we will get through this.
each one of us...start now..
my mother finally called.so my trip to los angeles on mysister noreene's and aileen's 18th birthday on september 21 is final. well, our plan was to go in ashopping spree in the morning, there's a little party and then we'll go clubbing at palace. then i go back here up north on sun.
Sunday, September 09, 2001
pushing me away?
my arguments with my mother created a huge concrete wall between us. our petty aguments has emerged from painful words we didn't mean to say but said anyway because we were angry and has now blew out into a huge proportions. and it's putting a strain on me and i know on her,too, though she is admitting it.
what have i done so great that she hates me with a passion? regardless if i garnered the highest awards, the prestigious acknowledgements, it seemed to me that she is not flattered by it. she doesn't realize the time and the effort i make to make her proud, to hear her, even just once,
" ah, that's my daughter."
but no, her reaction to my numerous achievements and my gold and first placed medals is a blanked face and a sarcastic comment, "maintain that average,"" study harde,""it pays off to work hard." i don't hear remarks that "oh.job well done," or just a simple, "congratulations." but no,you do not expect these from my mother. ifyou gota B, she wants an A. if you got an A, she wants more than an A. some parents are thankful with a C. she compares me to my cousins who graduated college and yet, they asked their parents for everything, had babies and yet, they are still bunch of losers who have no freekin' jobs.
she doesn't recognize the fact that i gave up everything to reach my goals, even my own happiness and people i loved the most and cared about dearly. i felt as if i needed to do this to tell her, "i am capable to be someone, too, mom." i will be working my rear end 12 hours a day, doign grave yard shifts, 36 hours or more in the hospital, and going to school full time, and still topping my classes, not to mention the hard sweat and sleepless nights, but these are all worthless to her.
she called me couple hours ago at 8 am just to ask my brother's freinds' numbers because apparently, my brother long did not go home last night. all through out this conversation, she didn't say,
"hello," she didn't ask,
"how are you doing? how is life, how is school?" or even a simple,"
how are you?" as soon as i provided her with the numbers she needed, she said, "
okay," no
"take care" or "
be good"and hung up.
yep. that is my mom. is she pushing me away? or is it tough love? or is it biological, like the effect of estrogen hormones (menopause)?i do not know. i have twisted my brains thinking, and my eyes are so puffy crying so much.
despite of all these remorse and anger, i love my mother dearly.i just hope she realize that everything i do now, is because i want her to be proud of me.
someday, i hope....
*sigh*
someday.
Saturday, September 08, 2001
im going back to los angeles on sept.21. whoa!!!! iget to be with my pals, my siblings, and mah babe.i can't
wait. i am counting the days.
ron is always telling me, "
len,whatever or if anything happens to me, just know that i love you so much." frankly, i am quite worried. he thinks a bad omen is approaching his way? it's scaring the hell out of me. i don't wanna lose him. i finally found someone who means everything to me. lord, please do not take him away. i don't know if he engaged into something that he didn't wanna tell me. or he is feeling some kind of illness but imagine having a daily conversation with him and all he kept telling me is tha t"
if tomorrow, something happens to me, just know i really really love you. "gosh....he's everything to me.i wouldn't have this courage and determination i have in me now if not for him. i love him dearly. i have not felt this feeling since the first time i fell in love.everything is so brand new. and everything is wonderful. yes, we are dealing with someminor issues but we can't let the night slip away without apologizing to each other. he brings out the best in me and yet, he accepts my imperfections. i can't manage to let this extraordinary feeling he makes me feel escape. i have to hold on to it. lord...guide him and protect him...he makes me happy. he's my partner, my bestfriend, my love. he's everything to me.
Friday, September 07, 2001
I was fellign downcasted by the events going on in mylife lately. I have to say...these pointers are making life easier to dea lwith. Try it...it might work!
Smart Strategies for HEALTH AND HAPPINESS
by Dr. Bernie Siegel
1) Be good to yourself
Eat healthy foods. Think of your own worth and what you love about yourself would produce a healthy high that can never be matched by any artificial means.
2) Prepare for what lies ahead
Get in touch with the mystery of life. Pay attention to the feelings created by the path you choose.Nevr mid what other people thinks ofyour choices. How does your path feels to you? Move only when the time isr ight. Don't listen yo yout watch, listen yo your heart.
3) Remember what's important
Think of life as something you drape around yourself but you are not firmly attached to. Let it be something you can slip out easily at any moment. Living this way helps you focus on what is important and let go of the insignificant details. How do you want to spend your time? Get involved with the life around you.Don't waste your time trying to impress people or being confined by others' expectations of who you shoudl be.
4) Find Happiness
Getting even never brings satisfaction.Lawsuits and revenge don't restore yourlife even if they are succesful in punishing the person who hurt you. You find happiness in life not through gettign even, btu through helping others.At your funeral, wouldn't you rather be remembered for the achign you eased than for how often you got even or made others unhappy?
5) Give Yourself A Break
Stop and taketime to see where your life is headed. To find out where you are going, take this test. Most often, do you fidn yourself taking time to do what you want to do or what you do not want to do? Do the things you are taking time to do fulfillyour heart's desire? Rememebr that you do not have all the time in the world to decide. You have only your lifetime, so get to work now!
my cousin aileen made me read an article from her compilation of "necessity of life." one ofthe articles where excerpts from a book entitled, "Prescriptions forLiving" by Dr. Bernie S. Siegel. So here's just a summary of the whole article.it tells us, that though life is a bitch sometimes, we have to continue to believe in the power of love,.
Prescriptions For Living
1) Show Your Appreciation
Give reminder of your love to someone in your family, friends, and lovedones and othe rrelationships with other people today. A note, flowers, a card,a hug,or saying, " I love you." Do it now...not when you have little timeto live. This prescription always works and has no adverse side effects.
2) Learn FRom Your Mistakes
Do not letyour mistakes discourage you. Mistakes are opportunities to show that you have a haert. Be wiling to say that you are sorry. If you followup your mistakes by doing the right thing, withotu making any excuses, you show everyone that you care about them and that you are responsible and trustworhty. Think of the biggest mistake have made, big or small. Have you followed up? If you haven't, it's probably not too late to say sorry, Acknowledge your faults.
3) The Power of Love
Yes, it matters to love your people outside your immediate circles, even your enemies, or people who have wronged or hurt you because this is the only way you will have a true peace of mind. When you choose to love your enemies, they don't exist anymore. Love has a warming effect on even the coldest of hearts. Hatred is bad for the hated and worse for the hater. Love is more powerful and much harder to handle than anger.
Try using love the next time you are in a difficult situation. See howpowerful the effect of love on adversary.
Loving family can be harder than loving enemies.With family,you are likely to become emotional and start to impose on them, because after all you love them and only wants the best for them.
How to love family: Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative. Instead of criticizing your daughter about her unhealthy behavior, tell her you love her. Think back of the last time you criticized someone in your family. Now think of the last time you said or did something to let that same person know you loved them? Which do you do more often? Think about how you could change your recent criticism to be a lovign request that accentuates the positive and eliminates the negative.
4) Be Thankful for your Problems
Good things come in adversity. The longer we live, the more problems \we will have. So what is there to be grateful for? We should be grateful for every day for the opportunities to have more problems,. to learn how to live with them and rejoice in them.
If yoru gratitude depends on what life gives you or what other people do for you or to you, you will be disappointed more often than you are grateful. You can learn to be more grateful by rethinking your attitude toward life.
First, remember that contentment lies in giving. But do not ignore your own needs. Decide what to give and how to give. In the end, you will be grateful for having the chance to give in your own way. Second, be grateful for simply being alive. When you are grateful forlife, pure and simple, your life becomes one you can be grateful for. When you can't change your life, change your attitude towards your life. And when you do, life changes. You find mroe chances to love, andyou will be surprised how much more love is returned to you.
5) Accept Criticism
"Your Criticism Polishes Your Mirror"
- The Sufi Poet.
If you understand who you are, and respect yourself, you will not see criticism as a problem but as an opportuinty to become a better person.You can say,"I am sorry" and "thank you for polishing my mirror" and when it is appropriate, you can learn from the criticisms and improve your behavior. It is important to accept criticism and learn from it, but that doesn't mean, you shoudl be discouraged by the grades people give you.
You may begin by doign C work, and then learn and grow until you are capable of working at much higer level.
6) Be the Best You Can Be
Think ofy ourself as a project under development: black canvas or a hunk of a potter's clay. You can change yourself and create a more fulfilling life---if you remember to make decisions that makes orwill makeyou happy. Creatiosn begin if you see the black cnavass as anopportunity to express your talent rather than a chance to faill. The canvas isnotfinish aslong as life remains. You can create and re-create yoruself. This is not about selfishness btu authenticity.
Live in a place called " Heart Zone." The place where you have no awareness of time, are fully alive and have a healthy, youthful, life-enhancing physiology. What you do in your heart zone depends on who you are. It can be gardeing, writing, caring for children, ..whatever. The important thing is thatthe work has meaning and that you love what you are doing. When you liv in the zone, you can transcend the effects of time.
7) Live Lifeto the Fullest
If you knew you only had 15minutes left to live, what would you do? If it is legal, and won;t harm you or anyone else, do it now, in the next 15 minutes. Choose yourpleasure, whatever your taste. If you live to love, you d not need perfect body or perfect health, you only need time.
Thursday, September 06, 2001
feeling blue...i'm all alone.
an hour ago, my mother called fuzzing about something i do not complete understand. it was something about my cell phone but she couldn't tell me what was wrong. all i remembered was, she was telling me that i should not exceed my limits. then it went from that to a big hop of conflict. whatever it was, it lead on to a huge arguement and left me crying.
i am tearing as i am typing up my emotions here. i am hurting because i feel so alone and depreciated for my achievements and accomplishments. my mothr thinks i am a loser who does not think of anything positive in my life. my answers are the many awards i have in school, the dean's awardee sholarship, the straight A grades.
i took this gigantic and spontaneous step of leaving my whole family and friends and my boyfriend to better myself here uo north. i told myself, i will just numb the pain, i will ignore the homesickness, i will absorb all the sufferings, i will endure the sacrifices of giving everything up to reach my dreams. so far i have been good at hiding my sorrow...that is probably the reason why i am so not interested to update myblogs...
.well.. until tonight.
i broked down in tears
my mom called me for no reason.she mentioned that i messed up in the past, and i have not changed a bit. i worked so hard to be what i am now, to excell, and to work and study harder than other people...and yet, i feel as if i am nothing to her. maybe, i underestimate her love for me sometimes. but why is it everything i achieved in my life seemed like worthless to her? and my siblings thinks they are superior than me. i demand respect. and so that led to more deeper arguments.
all these times i worried about mama and my siblings, i was never missed. the one time i finally get to talk to them, all i get was yelling and anger. they have not checked how i was here, how i was coping with stress and insomia, and adjusting...none of these and yet, they have the nerve to makemy life even miserable than it already is.
here i am, missing their company, crying sleepless nights because i miss them, forbeared and yielded all the sadness and loneliness i am feeling being in a new place and living a new lonely life. but in contrast, i was never missed. i was...nothing...nobody to them. they went around with their normal life without missing my absence, without realizing my worthiness in their lives.
for the first time in my life, i felt so alone. i felt not needed. i talked to auntie vicky and my cousins about my issue and i'm glad they understand. i do not want to tell ron about it because i didn't want him to worry about me. it was hard enough for him to let melive here, away from him, and it would be more difficult for him to know that i am feeling lonely here.
i feel so distant and desolated. i feel so worthless. i feel so ALONE.
know what's ironic?despite the fact that i can sense my mom and my siblings do not care about my conditon and life here, i miss them terribly...i miss my dad. i think he is my only protector. if there were people in this world who believed in me, it was 1) papa, 2) maff, and now, 3) ron. and i am grateful for that.
my soul is damaged. i am feeling heavyhearted.i am experiencing deep loneliness and isolation. and it will probably be here in my heart fo r a long time. in the mean time, i will try to approach life as normal as i can even if it is slowly choking me with drearing emotions. and though there's only threepeople in this world who completely thinks and beleive i am capable to be someone, they will b e and they still are the reason s why i keep dreaming and ....soon...in my Lord's blessing and guidance...achieving
Monday, September 03, 2001
leaving everything, missing everything....
as i mentioned on my recent previous entries, i am now currently living in northern cali because of educational and career enhancement purposes. i digged my brains out if this is what i want to do. although i have all the convenience of home in los angeles such as family, friends, own bed, partying, i feel that there was a need for me to stay here. why? i feel as if it is about time to experience independence,to pursuemy goals in different environment, and just so my mother can realize my importance.
don't get me wrong. i didn't leave LA because of mama. my mother and i have typical mother-daughter conflicts like "
not having boyfriends yet", or "
hurry up and finish college" arguments.and it's perfectly normal. it's just i felt that it is time to prove her that i am MORE than what she thinks i am. and that this change of environment, though it is the hardest thing to do right now, will pay off one of these days.
with that said, i live in the fairly small and quiet city called modesto( you have probably heard of it from the recent congressman condit and chandra levy issues). it's such a drastic change compared to the loud and busy city of LA. my neighborhood i am in is peaceful and rather boring. yet, the houses are new. it's one of those village type houses wherein every house looks the same. but, my auntie vicky is great. she treats me like i am one of her own. she made me atemporary room of my own, she feeds me to death, and she tries to make me feel really at home. my cousins are great. i have no complains.
the school i will be going to is entirely different the school i came from. my previous school is small and yet, i enjoy the company of my asian friends. then as soon as i entered my new school in stockton, i could not believe how many filipinos i saw in just one area of the campus.well, multiply that by ten by the time i went around the campus. it was then when i realized that i was in stockton, the "manila" of california. i have yet to tell you how friendly or snobbish they are. my school is also quite a change. while my old school islocated at the ghetto part of los angeles, and i must say it was rather old compared to this new school. the new school have fishponds and japanese gardens and a huge parking lot. i might like it...we don't know.
but....i miss everything and everyone i left in los angeles.
i miss the sound of my two dogs ( max and coco) barking. i miss the smell of mama's cooking on the morning. i miss my little sister noreene's everyday stories telling me her daily escapades. i miss watching my baby brother LA's dancing moves when he performs Nsync dance grooves.i miss talking to my brother long about his endless girls. i miss how papa smiles at my every joke.
i miss the busy streets of LA. i miss the LA traffic. or is it the idea of getting in road rage with everyone there? i miss the convenience of wienersnitzel ( heck, i can't even spell it!!!) at the corner of my street.i miss how the korean owned liqour store seemed tohave my basic food gorup, rather my preferred food ~ junk food! i miss the endlesssound of horns, the downtown skycrapers, the smell of mexican food.
i miss watering the lawn and mom's orchids as soon as the sun sets. i miss saying hello to my neighbors who have been friends for years. i miss waving at them. i miss our anuual persimon picking in our backyard. i miss the endless family dinners we have at the house.i miss jollibee, yoshinoya, kowloon,and goldilocks. i miss drinking boba and eating pho'.
i miss my friends. i miss drinking with mickey, janet, steve, sheila, rara at mickey's poorch at their house until mickey getsdrunk and he starts to pee in front of us ( and never realize it the morning after).
i miss how sheila tells me everything about her men and friends. i miss messing around with joy ( with a g!!!) in chemistry and biology ( i miss how i always tap her elbow when she is writing so she ends up having a straight line on her very clean notebook).
i miss our ceaseless chitchats and joketelling at the front quad with megan, janet, kur\ya tony, ron 1, ron 2, joy, vicky, ama, mickey, niki, ate cecil, ate malou, papa jay, and sheila whilejoy and megan smoke.
i miss how we hide mickey's bag in the trees.i miss how we have petnames,mickey is "bading" ( "gay"in tagalog), steve is "scuba steve" from some cartoons rara watched, calling mickey "master" and steve "bait" so together they are "masturbate," niki is "hinhin," megan is "giant#1", joy is "with a g," janet is "bacterial girl," they call me"nerd."
what about eating at th our favorite places such as the weird dimsum places ( and food) in chinatown? think pedicured and marinated chicken feet.LOL. and how many times can i and steve go to jollibee in carson? even the cashiers knew who we were. i miss eating with the folks at the nanay gloria's, dj's , thai food, bk and mickey d's and everywhere.
i miss spring break in vegas when we ( ben, sheila, maff, and i) went to studio 54 and danced and drink there all night,.when we invaded allthe hotels in las vegas by storm, taking somany freeking pictures at bellagio,new yprk,new york, mgm,. and more. what about sleeping right next to mickey and ben, and sheila and and lucy who were all upall night and buggint the crapout ofme?
i miss geng, ate rall and tin. i missshopping at camarillo, driving to sta, maria witrh geng to visit itin. then we all go to pismo beach where we watch the stars and smoke the night away. we woudl have sex talk.i miss naming tin - keri, geng-darna...and i miss how they callme"leslie." LOL. i miss watching all the movies with ate ral. i miss going to citywalk, santee, and beverly cneter with her.
i miss clubbing at chillers in redondo with everyone. i miss going to club kiss at palace with charmaine. i miss the koreankaraoke place at vermont when we stay all night long, i miss playing billiards at third and vermont, i miss kicking it at steve's backyard at three in the morning.i miss watching prono with EEVRYONe at jang's pad
i miss charm...and maff and their kids.i missbugging charm and "kuliting" her. i miss telling maff everything. i miss crying to both of them. i miss cooking for them and feeding them to death. i miss their long stories and funny jokes.
ahh...but most of all, i miss my baby ron. i miss his laughters, his ghettoness, his smiles. i miss how he alwasy asks me if i ate and when i answer, "yes", and he would ask what i ate. and i would answer," a burger "and he woudl say, "you call that a meal?" i miss how he always says "i love you" before i sleep, i hung up the phone, and when i wake up. i miss him needing me.i miss how he says" hey girl!"and i would respond, "excuse you?!" and he shyly giggles.i miss our intimate conversations, our hugs and kisses, our story telling, our arguments. i miss being loved. i miss how he cheers me up, wipes my tears, and assures me everything will be okay. i miss EVERYTHING about him.
i recently read a sign at universal citywalk that stated, " WE do not stop playing because they grow old, we grow old because we stopped playing."
it's difficult to be away from the people and places that became attached to my heart. it's even harder to detach myself to them. ron said i have to do what i have to even if it's hard and that life is filled with things that we don not want to to but we MUST do for the betterment of the situation. and to me, this is one of them...to be away from everyone i love and cared about. life is an unexplainable cycle. it is continous and yet, there will always be constant changes. it is a challenge by itself. leaving everything and missing everything is my challenge to myself so i can succeed.it's just a matter of adjusting and playing hard and standing firm no matter how strong the strom is.
