my arguments with my mother created a huge concrete wall between us. our petty aguments has emerged from painful words we didn't mean to say but said anyway because we were angry and has now blew out into a huge proportions. and it's putting a strain on me and i know on her,too, though she is admitting it.
what have i done so great that she hates me with a passion? regardless if i garnered the highest awards, the prestigious acknowledgements, it seemed to me that she is not flattered by it. she doesn't realize the time and the effort i make to make her proud, to hear her, even just once, " ah, that's my daughter."
but no, her reaction to my numerous achievements and my gold and first placed medals is a blanked face and a sarcastic comment, "maintain that average,"" study harde,""it pays off to work hard." i don't hear remarks that "oh.job well done," or just a simple, "congratulations." but no,you do not expect these from my mother. ifyou gota B, she wants an A. if you got an A, she wants more than an A. some parents are thankful with a C. she compares me to my cousins who graduated college and yet, they asked their parents for everything, had babies and yet, they are still bunch of losers who have no freekin' jobs.
she doesn't recognize the fact that i gave up everything to reach my goals, even my own happiness and people i loved the most and cared about dearly. i felt as if i needed to do this to tell her, "i am capable to be someone, too, mom." i will be working my rear end 12 hours a day, doign grave yard shifts, 36 hours or more in the hospital, and going to school full time, and still topping my classes, not to mention the hard sweat and sleepless nights, but these are all worthless to her.
she called me couple hours ago at 8 am just to ask my brother's freinds' numbers because apparently, my brother long did not go home last night. all through out this conversation, she didn't say, "hello," she didn't ask,"how are you doing? how is life, how is school?" or even a simple,"how are you?" as soon as i provided her with the numbers she needed, she said, "okay," no "take care" or "be good"and hung up.
yep. that is my mom. is she pushing me away? or is it tough love? or is it biological, like the effect of estrogen hormones (menopause)?i do not know. i have twisted my brains thinking, and my eyes are so puffy crying so much.
despite of all these remorse and anger, i love my mother dearly.i just hope she realize that everything i do now, is because i want her to be proud of me.
someday, i hope....
*sigh*
someday.
posted by pinay freestyle @ 11:32 AM
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