an hour ago, my mother called fuzzing about something i do not complete understand. it was something about my cell phone but she couldn't tell me what was wrong. all i remembered was, she was telling me that i should not exceed my limits. then it went from that to a big hop of conflict. whatever it was, it lead on to a huge arguement and left me crying.
i am tearing as i am typing up my emotions here. i am hurting because i feel so alone and depreciated for my achievements and accomplishments. my mothr thinks i am a loser who does not think of anything positive in my life. my answers are the many awards i have in school, the dean's awardee sholarship, the straight A grades.
i took this gigantic and spontaneous step of leaving my whole family and friends and my boyfriend to better myself here uo north. i told myself, i will just numb the pain, i will ignore the homesickness, i will absorb all the sufferings, i will endure the sacrifices of giving everything up to reach my dreams. so far i have been good at hiding my sorrow...that is probably the reason why i am so not interested to update myblogs...
.well.. until tonight.
i broked down in tears
my mom called me for no reason.she mentioned that i messed up in the past, and i have not changed a bit. i worked so hard to be what i am now, to excell, and to work and study harder than other people...and yet, i feel as if i am nothing to her. maybe, i underestimate her love for me sometimes. but why is it everything i achieved in my life seemed like worthless to her? and my siblings thinks they are superior than me. i demand respect. and so that led to more deeper arguments.
all these times i worried about mama and my siblings, i was never missed. the one time i finally get to talk to them, all i get was yelling and anger. they have not checked how i was here, how i was coping with stress and insomia, and adjusting...none of these and yet, they have the nerve to makemy life even miserable than it already is.
here i am, missing their company, crying sleepless nights because i miss them, forbeared and yielded all the sadness and loneliness i am feeling being in a new place and living a new lonely life. but in contrast, i was never missed. i was...nothing...nobody to them. they went around with their normal life without missing my absence, without realizing my worthiness in their lives.
for the first time in my life, i felt so alone. i felt not needed. i talked to auntie vicky and my cousins about my issue and i'm glad they understand. i do not want to tell ron about it because i didn't want him to worry about me. it was hard enough for him to let melive here, away from him, and it would be more difficult for him to know that i am feeling lonely here.
i feel so distant and desolated. i feel so worthless. i feel so ALONE.
know what's ironic?despite the fact that i can sense my mom and my siblings do not care about my conditon and life here, i miss them terribly...i miss my dad. i think he is my only protector. if there were people in this world who believed in me, it was 1) papa, 2) maff, and now, 3) ron. and i am grateful for that.
my soul is damaged. i am feeling heavyhearted.i am experiencing deep loneliness and isolation. and it will probably be here in my heart fo r a long time. in the mean time, i will try to approach life as normal as i can even if it is slowly choking me with drearing emotions. and though there's only threepeople in this world who completely thinks and beleive i am capable to be someone, they will b e and they still are the reason s why i keep dreaming and ....soon...in my Lord's blessing and guidance...achieving
posted by pinay freestyle @ 11:56 PM
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