Wednesday, January 30, 2002
LOST
lately, i am so lost.
i have not post any coherent musings lately. and my brain isn't funtioning right up until this very moment due to the recent incidents that i encountered for the past weeks. i'm afraid i am dwelling in my past again and depression has hit me again. words are not enough to summarise the twinge i have in me which i accumulated and is now piled up.
but need not to worry. as soon as i am fully prepared and mended, i shall be discussing my painful thoughts and emotions here. but for the time being, i need to find myself again and rediscover the happy "me" again.
i think i needed some time off to redirect and to rejuvenate myself. we all need space and the yearning to breath fresh air. to add to that, is that difficult push of telling myself that "life goes on. no matter how enermously hard it may be right now."
*sigh*
"life goes on. it sucks."
Sunday, January 27, 2002
ALMOST....
yesterday, i thought of ron(my korean ex) because mom said some "korean guy" has been calling my house. hmm. i wonder if it's him. then geng asked me something about my lovelife and i couldn't answer a thing. i mentioned what has happened and i'd rather not talk about it. but today, i heard this song from the television. it sums what i feel for ron right now. so, ron, if you are reading this blog...this one's for you.
ALMOST OVER YOU
Sheena Easton
(J. Kimball/C. Richardson)
I saw an old friend of ours today,
She asked about you,
I didn't quite know what to say;
Heard you've been makin' the rounds 'round here
While I've been tryin' to make tears disappear.
CHORUS:
Now I'm almost over you,
I've almost shook these blues;
So when you come back around
After paintin' the town
You'll see I'm almost over you.
You're such a sly one with your cold, cold heart,
Maybe leavin' came easy but it tore me apart;
Time heals all wounds they say and I should know
'Cause it seems like forever but I'm lettin' you go.
CHORUS:
Now I'm almost over you,
I've almost shook these blues;
So when you come back around
After paintin' the town
You'll see I'm almost over you.
I can forgive you and soon I'll forget
All my shattered dreams;
Although you left me with nothing to show
All of misery.
CHORUS:
Now I'm almost over you,
I've almost shook these blues;
So when you come back around
After paintin' the town
You'll see I'm almost over you.
When you come back around
After paintin' the town
You'll see I'm almost over you
Friday, January 25, 2002
eh.
another lonely day.
i'll spill you details later. i'm not in the mood to define my self worth and emotional being right now.
Tuesday, January 22, 2002
i feel good today. my friend steve said i inspire him and that he wants to follow my footsteps because i have focused. do i? i feel flattered. thanks scuba steve! i appreciate it. luv yah bro.
Sunday, January 20, 2002
loving yourself....
i found this article today. it makes me think of myself and the past encounter i have been ...it helps...i posted the article below but you can check it out
here if you want to see it yourself.
Loving Yourself
You must first love yourself before you can fully love another...
by Jennifer Good
In life, we may find it easy to allow ourselves to love and accept multitudes of other people, but when it comes to loving ourselves we're not as forgiving. In fact, we can be quite relentless in our pursuit of perfection. So, how then do you learn to put aside all the shoulds and should nots we face, and really begin a love affair with yourself?
The first step is to realize that you are somebody. You're a friend, someone's daughter or son, possibly a lover, an employee or employer, or maybe even someone's spouse. No matter how your role changes, you're still somebody. Nothing will ever change that.
The next step is to take time out to actually love yourself. In romantic relationships it is often said that true love is shown through actions, not words. Learn to apply this to yourself with the following ideas, and you'll be on the road to a lifetime romance, with yourself!
Dear Me...
Write a love letter to yourself. In the letter describe what you really like about you, and what you'd like to improve about yourself. Keep it in a special place you can refer to when needed.
Scheduling Time
Make appointments with yourself to do artistic or spiritually uplifting activities. For example, you might enjoy going on a picnic at the park, taking a tour through an art museum, or taking a walk in a secluded area.
The Finer Things In Life
Enjoy the finer things in life! Eat on your "good" dishes. Enjoy a candlelit meal. Listen to a favorite CD over champagne. Wear your favorite clothes. Treat yourself to unexpected present.
Enlighten Yourself
Try learning an enlightening hobby such as yoga or meditation.
Freedom Of Yourself
Give yourself freedom to make mistakes. Instead of questioning why you are doing, or may have done, something, just accept that you did it. Know inside that you'll handle it when you're ready to, and that it is okay to do just that.
Forgiveness
Forgive yourself for something in your past. Write a letter of apology that includes everything you might have done. Seal it in an envelope, and keep it somewhere private.
Day-By-Day
Live life day-by-day. Try not to worry about what will, or will not happen in the future. Or, what may, or may not have happened in your past. All things are created in the present. Remember, your future and your past are created by what you are doing right now this very moment.
sweeping away...
yesterday, i clean the whole house.
i mean,i cleaned the ENTIRE house. from the front porch which i washed and polished, to the inside of our houses wood floor which i waxed and shined as brightly as i can, to the coherently wiped and now shimmering cherry wood furnitures, then to the illuminated marble kitchen floor and even the granite kitchen tops were sparkly clean. but i didn't stop there. i vaccummed the carpets at the living room, family room, and dining room until it was dust free and spic and span, brushed the tiles in the three shower until it was radiant white and incandescently new again, cleaned the whole bathroom from the now glistening sinks and refreshing smell. soon, i invaded the back porch and my mom's green house where she host a trillion of orchids, i tidied the rough porch with splashing dash of the water, then i headed to the back yard and got rid of the dried leaves from the persimmon tree, watered all the plants and the grass. it was furbishing clean.
"you need to rest. you're cleaning too much, " mom said.
"i'll be done in a minute, mom. just couple more minutes."
i am cleaning this and that. from front to back. side to side. everything polished, everthing shining. from morning and until the sun sets in the horizon, i neaten, i furbished, renewed, trimmed, cleanse....
...just like i am furbishing and renewing myself, getting rid and sweeping away the "old " and hurtful memories, cleansing my wounded soul, undimming my glistening smile, unfolding the glowing persona within this battered heart, bringing out the radiance, flame, gleam and effulgence in me that i once lost.
i am sweeping away the past...like i am sweepign away the dust in my house. and i am refurbishing and polishing my life, beaming myself, with glistening new attitude and a new self confidence and awareness...to look and hope cheerful, delighted, and gratified days to come.
Saturday, January 19, 2002
fearful...
paul says,
"what's stopping you from chillin't it with me? i'm not going to kill yah. i juat want to spend time with you...just hang around. maybe watch a movie, or let's go shopping, or let's go to the beach...i just don't get it, len. every time your friends are there, youmake time for them but if it's me, you always have an excuse to make. it's not fair..."
eh. if you only knew.....life is never fair. and it will never be.
i loved glenn with all my heart. i sacrificed four long years. i forgave him at the times he cheated and gave him too many second chances. and one summer, he had an opporunity to go on vacation and he screwed around, had a "one wild night with a girl he barely met, who was also from the same town as his family was, got her pregnant, and so i broke i off with him and now, he is getting married because they have a baby together.
and "vampz" who supposedly loved me and as soon as i turned my back and he was upto someone "sexier". and vince, whom i thought i loved and i still care about and for no apparent reason, he was nowhere to be found. and ziggy, who kept goign back to me because he knew i will always be there for him but no, i decided, i am not tolerating there. and now, there's that asshole ron, (my korean ex), who promised me " whatever happens, my love was real and true" faded away like a bubble.
and he tells me " i'm not fair?"
you have no idea what i've been through. you don't know the cheating guys who broke my heart over and over again. you do not understand the pain that stabbed me and disabled me to love again or even like anyone. you were not there those nights i wanted to sleep but i couldn't because i was haunted with tears. how i go on my everyday life not knowign what to do because i am lost. i have been abandoned and used, and played like a fool.
i am not going to be that fool again. i am not going to let these guys step on me. that is the reason why i avoided your dates. i don't know why you keep asking me. you hined several times though. do you understand where i am coming from? i wanted to be cautious. i must not make the same mistakes i made. right now, i am not ready to go on dates with someone i do not completely know yet.
ahh. don't you get it? i'm just....i'm just....
i'm just...
scared.
Friday, January 18, 2002
i heard this song when i was still in up northern cali. i used to listen to it a lot because it reminds me of ron. well, today, it was stuck in my head again. so...here....
Last Chance
by Allure
written by: Mariah Carey
This is my last dance with you
This is my only chance to do all I can do
To let you know that what I feel for you is real
This is the last chance for us
This is the moment that I just cannot let end
Before I know that there's a chance we're more than friends
So don't let go, don't let go
Make it last all night
This is my last chance to make you mine
I kept my feelings so deep
I kept my dreams of you and me somewhere inside
Although I prayed that you would see it in my eyes
But this is my last chance to say
What's in my heart before you stay out of my life
And then you'll understand the way I feel inside
So hold me close cause it feels so right
This is my last chance to make it mine
Make this dream reality
So close and yet so far
Gotta find a way into your heart
Gotta speak my mind
Gotta open up to you this time
I can't let you slip away tonight
This is my last dance iwth you
This is my only chance to do all I can do
To let you know that what I feel for you is so real
So don't let go
Just make it last all night long
This is my last chance to make you mine, yeah
To make you mine
Wednesday, January 16, 2002
best wishes to you...
i talked to
YOU a week ago. you wanted to talk to me longer. i don't know why. but i avoided a longer conversation. i don't see any reason why we need to talk longer. i wanted to know how you have been, or how she has been or how 's the baby. and i did asked you that. you're getting married in couple of months. i wanted to ask you if you really loved her and if you are ready to commit your life to her. but then i realized, you have a baby together, the living reminder that you once hurt me. and the twinge haunts me back when i am reminded of what you have done to me.
well, what am i suppose to say?
i mentioned i am happy for you and i truly am. does it hurt to know that you will never be mine again? the answer would be...partly yes, because we shared wonderful memories in an elongated time. no one has broke that record yet. i do hope you are preprared for your decision. i also wish that you won't regret this decision. i really hope you are happy.
thank you for teaching me how to love with all my heart...
and
...for teaching me to let go...because it makes you happy.
best wishes.
Sunday, January 13, 2002
"happiness is like chasing a butterfly. the more we chase it, the more it will fly and go away. we have to learn to sit still and let the butterfly land on us."
-kris aquino, on cover story @
abs-cbn.
all my life, i yearned to be happy. everyday, i wished for a better day than the day before. like others, i searched for happiness. who wouldn't? i find my happiness with my friends who endlessly devoted their time and friendship to me all the time...even sometimes if i refused it, i get it from the unconditional love of my father and my mother, i get it from the bonding time i share with my siblings whether it be having a shopping spree at the mall or getting a quick boba, i find it from the innocence of my nephew and my niece as i watch them play, i felt it when ron or glenn first loved me... but eventually lost it.
i think i need to stop hoping for love or happiness. i need to tell myself that someday, when evetually the right time comes, it will come. i need to avoid the things and the events that have hurt me in the past. i will look back at it someday but hopefully, no more tears and no more pain but rather smiles.
i already mentioned in my previous blogs that i need happiness...but i will also have the to learn to wait for it to land on me like the butterfly. if it's my time to have it, it will come to me.
and like the other times, i will simply wait.
Friday, January 11, 2002
stuck in the 80's beat!
for some strange reason, songs from the 80's that my older sister used to listen to went to my head. so here i am, searching for tdam lyrics to memudo's songs
"if you're not here." it just made me think of..."mr. park." but oh well, let's not go further. so here it is.
“If You’re Not Here”
by Menudo
Gotta catch that plane at 7:30
Why haven’t you come to say goodbye
Time is running out and I’m still waiting
I am so lost without you, I could die
Yesterday you said you loved me
Everything seemed to be fine
Today you are not here, I am so lonely
It’s the waiting that’s driving me
Out of my mind
Don’t know how I’ll sing in that big city
How can I perform if you are not there
This will be the worst of all my journeys
The image of your face will follow me everywhere
I need your tender kisses
The feel of your hands, your caress
Your perfume has me burning
My heart is yearning to touch you
I need you so much
If you’re not here, by my side
Can’t hold back the tears
I try to hide
Don’t think I can take it
I know I won’t make it
Make it without you
If you’re not here, by my side
Only your love, keeps me alive
No sense in dreaming
My life has no meaning
If you’re not here
I need your tender kisses
The feel of your hands, your caress
Your perfume has me burning
My heart is yearning to touch you
I need you so much
If you’re not here, by my side
Can’t hold back the tears
I try to hide
Don’t think I can take it
I know I won’t make it
Make it without you
If you’re not here, by my side
Only your love, keeps me alive
No sense in dreaming
My life has no meaning
If you’re not here
Wednesday, January 09, 2002
i thought of you ( my peasant) today. i missed our times together. i can't believe we're
history now.
"believe"
at the lobby of the previous nursing school where i graduated from as a vocational nurse, i watched the students walked in and out of the classrooms. i used to be one of them, dressed in my royal blue colored scrubs at school( we only wear our white uniforms at the hospital/clinical setting), hair above shoulders, wearing a gold pin on my left shoulder which has the image of the two snakes intertwining each other going towards the top and and there's the bird's wings on the top ( this pin is very significant because it symbolizes the efforts all nurses went through the hard labors of studying and training---we got in on the day we had a "pinning ceremony" or others call it, "capping ceremony," it is supposed to be the day we officially become "nurses"), with my name tag that states "student vocational nurse", my stethoscope around my neck and carrying heavy loads of gazillion and thick pages of nursing books. to add to that were the stressful looking faces with what it seemed like intense memorizing, reviewing or crumming for a pop quiz or an exam.
ahh. those were the days. i'm over that stage but i am working myself up to a higher degree. meaning: more tremendous amount of work, sleepless and tedious nights studying, less social life, but more rewarding career in the end.
and then....
"hello, ms. hoffer."
did she remember me?
maybe not.
she has a million students, you know. btu she smiled and replied "hello" back to me. did she recall who i was? well, i changed my hairstyle from curly then to straight & layered look with a little bit of burgundy streak now. she walked passed me. maybe, she was on a rush. after all, it is her lunch break.
so i sit there. i was waiting for the nursing department secretary to call on me and attend on my needs. so i sit there. thinking about the days when i used to be one of those big eye bagged students. i miss those days. it was difficult but it was where i built ME and where i chose to be wha i am doing now. who will ever wonder i graduated to be a vocational nurse at the age of 19? i am 23 now!
"so, how are you doing? what have you been doign with your life lately?"
then she smiled. she came back to asked me that? i'm not even sure if she remembered me. so eagerly, i asked,
" ms. hoffer, do you even remember me? i mean, you had so many students over the years. i figured you might remember my face but perhaps, maybe not, too."
"oh, i remember you. i had you in second module. you were with me in good samaritan hospital with me at downtown los angeles. you always stood out. that smile, that assertiveness, that persistence. you were one of the few i will always remember. i remember your patient with AIDS or that patient with whole body paralysis that you took care of and died. i remembered your determination and your hard work. well, so how are you, my dear?"
"i've been great. i just moved back from northern california. i am a registered nursing student now but also a biology major with a minor in english. i figured if i don't like nursing in the long run, i want to be a doctor or a professor in biology. i am just taking it step by step. one at a time. i'll be done in a year time. i'll update you, ms. hoffer. i promise.
*big sigh*
she remembered everything about me. my first AIDS patient that died and had a great impact on my outlook towards people with HIV and AIDS. the woman who had abortion but the surgery had nosocomial infections and reactions that it triggered mental blocked and she's practically a vegetable, livign under a machine. she remembered the hospital...that was my hardest training in my entire bursing career ever. wakingup at 3 am after working my night job until 1 in the morning, being at the hospital at 4: 3) am sharpe because intructor's hate it when the students are late. the literally gushes of blood, the suction machine, the linked and intertwined tubes on my patients body....gosh. you can just imagine.
but now, i stand proud. i survived those days ( we started with 60 students.only 20 of us graduated and i was oneof the 5 who had an honor and award). i was a fighter, after all. ms. hoffer, my clinical instructor remembered me. she recalled my determination, my will to overcome battles in my life, my strength to try my best.
i feel rejuvenated. i needed her remarkable compliments towards me because i have been feeling low lately. it is so overwhelming to know that i left a lastign memory on them..on her. i am inspired, once again. i am prepared to stand on my own feet again and conquer my dreams. people like ms. hoffer believed in me. i owe it to people like her.
i should believe in myself because i can make it. i am capable of it. no one can stop me. thank you, ms. hoffer for not only teaching me the fundamentals of being a good nurse, but also for making me realise my self worth and most importantly, for reminding me to "believe."
ponder.....
"believing is a magic that makes a dream come true..."
do you believe? TELL ME!b>
Monday, January 07, 2002
keychain
i carry my money, my driver's license, credit/debit cards and other I. D. cards in this little, baby blue, polo sport (by ralph lauren) that i got couple years ago. i don't like carrying big bulky wallets unless i'm in a formal setting. well, two days ago, the keychain with the logo "polo sport" on my coin purse broke and i have to replace it with another one unless i want to close this purse with my pinky which is hard to do as you can imagine.
so, here i went into a keychain hunt. i dug on my storage boxes, my room, my brothr long's room, my sister kring's room, my baby bro LA's room, my parent's room...just about anywhere. i found some that were fine but it was a bit big and the chain holder won't fit snugly on the purse's chain.
but first, hear this:
for several days, i have been feeling icky and distracted of the events going on in my life. i know i should be thankful because i have a wonderful family (they're irritating, sometimes, but bottom line is, though they don't show it, i know deep inside they love me dearly), my circle of friends are great and supportive, my lovelife is zero as of now but there are many fishes in the sea~just letting time chose it for me, i am doing all my best to have a fulfilling career, and i am one year away from doing so. in short, i have my whole life ahead of me and i should enjoy it. but with all these, i feel like something is missing. i feel incomplete.
it's that feeling when you soak yourself in the tub for endless hours and there's comfort and relaxation. it's that feeling of having your favortie ice cream on a hot summer day or having your a hot chicken noodle soup on a chilly winter night. it's that sense of aroma you smell while your mother cooked you a homecooked meal after eating gazillion TV dinners in the college dorm. it's that sense of semblance when you finished a calculus problem ( or any homework) that you spent hours trying to solve and figure out. it's that aura of seeing long lost friends for the first time after so many years. i want that feeling.
well, the keychain....
after what it seemed like a trillion years, i found one. it was attached to one of those little marbly, orange colored jade, chinese bracelets. so i detached it from the bracelet. i just got the silver circle chain with a one marble of jade on the center of the keychain. anxious, i connected the chain to my purse and it was perfect. it fitted snugly. i liked it.
yesterday or the other day, my sis kring borrowed a dollar from me so i told her to get my purse. i opened my precious purse with my well coveted jade emblemmed keychain. i gave her the dollar. and then, i glared at the keychain where the jade was on the center of it. on the bottom, there was some engrave word i can hardly read from apart. so i looked at it thoroughly.
it read:
happiness.
i realized, that's what i've been searching for...that's what i need to complete my being.
HAPPINESS.
i promise more days of happiness.
YOUR THOUGHTS?
Saturday, January 05, 2002
PONDER....
::..mending qoutes for the healing <3HEART<3..::
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before."
From Good Will Hunting
"A break up is like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself trying to fix it."
LEN'S COMMENT: this is so true! i just realized it now. this is my personal favorite for "R"
"Memories are the best souvenirs."
"I should have been more careful. I was blinded by your halo, so I never noticed the horns."
"Learn to love someone who would never make you cry. If he hurts you real bad, then why don't you just say goodbye. You see, men are not worthy of precious tears, they just make us look terrible so please remember that my dear."
"A failing love is like desperately hanging on to something precious; not wanting to give up, but your hands feel the pain. And, when you finally let go, you're free from any pain, but your hands are empty."
"When speaking of lost love, time may heal all wounds, but there will always be scars."
LEN'S COMMENTL i think, bottom line is that i am assured that time heals the pain. after the pain is gone, i'll be fine.
"Letting go of someone dear to you is hard, but holding on to someone who doesn't even feel the same is much harder. Giving up doesn't mean you are weak! It only means that you are strong enough to let go!"
LEN'S COMMENT: this is ME! yes. i would like to be remembered as brave and strong. and i am.
"One day you'll love me, the way I loved you. One day you'll think of me the way I thought of you. One day you'll cry for me, the way I cried for you. One day you'll want me, but I won't want you."
"Breaking up is just like having the worst nightmare after having the best dream."
"There are reasons we met, reasons for the good and the bad times, and more importantly, a reason to an end. We have more to learn, more to experience, and more loving left in this lifetime."
LEN'S COMMENT: perhaps, i like this the best out of the rest. i am glad i can look ahead and peeked back to my past with so much hope and enthusiasm for the future.
"From an angel's wings, to a falling star, God made everything, but an unbreakable heart."
LEN'S COMMENT:again, for the strong woman!
"Some people think that it's holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it's letting go."
LEN'S COMMENT: and again!
"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."
"No one can ever promise you they will never hurt you, because at one time or another it will happen. The real promise is if the time you spent together will be worth the pain in the end."
"LOVE is a risk. Sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose. Whether it's right or wrong, misery or joy, love don't have any space for mistakes--only lessons."
LEN'S COMMENT: keyword to remember:
lessons.
"A change is good for me, for I must learn now how to live. With you I've spent many nights, and can no longer survive without your touch. I need to learn now how to live for myself each day, and when I learn the biggest task, I can finally call myself independent."
"There is within each and every one of us the ability to love somebody with all of our heart. And although our hearts may get broken, it is only through heartache and pain that we learn how much love we really can possess."
"Learn life's biggest lessons: love, forget and forgive."
LEN'S COMMENT: well, i've learn to love and forgive. to forget? that's too difficult for me to do. unless, i'll get amnesia of some sort. then, maybe i can forget.
"Living in the past causes you to miss out on the present. Life is too short to let it pass you by."
YOUR COMMENTS?
oh yeah...i just featured a new
::..GUESTBOOK..:: here. i want to hear my readers comments and thoughts! so
sign in now!!!
sick sick sick sick......i'm sick!
bleh.
i don't know if it's the ever changing weather here in southern california, or the stresses i have been experiencing, or hmm, someone (it's probably one of my friends or my siblings' friends or is it from my cousins? grrr)gave the flu to me....that got me sick. first, i had the allergy~~i am allergic to dust. i've been sneezing constantly for the past three days and nights. but then i remember munching on shrimps, too which i am highly prohibited to eat, but i am stubborn like that and with that, i opened my windows because i was hot since my dad turned on the heater all day yesterday. so, guess what i had?i had the fever last night until the wee hours of the morning. then i started coughing...just a mild coughing yesterday and now, i feel like a cat "meowing" all night and all day long. i have been wheezing unceasingly. then i had the irking phlegm and the cough worsened overnight.
i had bronchial asthma as a child. i recalled needign any oxygen tank 24/7 just to help me breath and being in the hospital for an enermous amount of time(which i hated by the way, i am inthe medical field, but believe me, i am an annoying, non compliant patient). over the years, i have been fine but there were those casual asthma attacks like right now. i'm excessively tired. and my nights are making me weary because i have to sleep up right to get the oxygen into my lungs. know what's worse? i am all alone right now and no ones here to attend on me but Me..and myself. so even if i don't want to get up, i have to get up and make me a meal, eat it even though it had no taste or is it becuase i have no appetite? and i have to make me drink orange juice and i have to take my meds that taste like lysol. ewwwk.
wahh.
i wish i was a kid again. my dad used to tuck me in my bed and read me bed time stories. or if my nanny was here, she always made me chicken soup that had no taste but i ate it anyway. and i have to stay home all day while i watched my siblings and playmates on the streets. but everyone was nice to me at home because i was sick. and so i read my novels all day or i sleep. i can't do any of that now.
wahh.
i hate being an adult especially when i'm sick. i hate it because i need to take care of myself and get better on my own without anyones help or concern. i wanna get better soon! i need a lot of TLC (tender, loving, care) and a lot of nourishment from....
who else?
from me.
believe me, it sucks.
Friday, January 04, 2002
this was my mascot at willaston lounge corporate mascot. get yours
here>>>
keeping it positive...
i had a terrible day yesterday. as early as 8 am, i am approached by a roaring, unexplainable anger from my own mother. ahh. once again, she enumerated how much of a loser i am ~~~as always. then my father comes to the rescue and defends me and it annoys my mom even more. i vowed to keep the new year positive. i did sob because i didn't want to hear what my mother had to say. it's just i feel that she's so impatient taht regardless how much i achieved, it will be worth nothing to her.
so i spent the day sorting out my thoughts yesterday. i contemplated on my life the previous year...the year i left behind. i don't want to recall the pain because it will hurt me more. i yearn to remember the good times...times i spent laughing with my ex boyfriend, RON; or just those unexpected dinners with my friends charm and diane and we talked the night away; or what about the times my siblings and i would sneak out three in the morning from our parents just to eat out at PHO.
then i thought about what i want in my life this year. i want...to even be stronger than i already am. i feel that over the years, my strength is being tested. and the more i encounter pain, twinge, tribulations, and meet back stabbing people, the more i am polish as a human being. i learn to counterfight and counter change the negative emotions, i learned that i can't change people and that i can never please anyone, and as of now, i am struggling to slowly love myself (all my life, i questioned my self worth). but most of all, i think, 2001 taught me that a broken heart is only temporary because time will lead me to another being who will care for me and love me better than the previous relationship i have been in. it's just a matter of waiting for the right time.
but the discovery will not stop there. i am sure there will be unanticipated encounters of hate, of being stepped on, of feeling lonely and worthless, of hurt and pain, or anguish and anger, of...hopelessness, and of...shattered heart and unromantic gestures. there will be situations when i will cry, when i will be hurt, when i will meet people who will take advantage of me without my knowing, when i will fail, when i will get discourrage, when i will get my heart played with and look and feel like a fool again.
but i am a tower of strenght. i have proven that each time i fall, i get up easily even if it was the hardets task i even have to do ( like right now). i insist to not let people pin me down because i am more than that. i didn't establish the foundation of strength i have in me now for these people to drag me down.i built this for me to scriimmage and attack the negative forces driving me down.
so beware for this new lioness in me for the year 2002. because this lady refuses to stop fighting. and if there's one thing i vowed, i will keep fighting.
besides, why stop now? i 've gone this far. i am sure i will go along way. watch out.
thank you
i scrolled through my email today for the first time since i left northern california. thanks CORI, for making me realize that my blogs are worth reading. people like you inspire me to share my life and to be able to reach out to someone (even just one person) on my blogs.
to the rest of my readers, thank you for the inspiration to write and for embracing my life as if it was your own.
oh yeah, i just added a guest book on my blog. you're welcome to leave your thoughts and comments.
Thursday, January 03, 2002
"flirting"
i am opening my doors once again. and my Lord never wanted em unhappy so He opened new windows for me. i am "flirting" once again. flirting cautiously, i may say. odd thing is, this new guy, who i have been spending my long nights with, he has he same name as my ex---RON. yes, you are reading it right. his name is ron. it's too soon to tell the story. but i'll give you a hint: he's making my days brighter. for me, that's good enough.
letting go...it's time to say "good bye"...
believe it or not, for several times, i tried writing what i felt about the status of my relationship with ron ( my ex boyfriend, now) on this blog. but for some strange reason, with every try, my computer kept shutting down on me. i fought for me and ron...more than i should. but a relationship is not worth saving anymore if i am battling it alone. well, i did my best. but we can't have it all.
so with that said...
i am letting go.
"my peasant," if you have access to this blog ( because i couldn't remember if i gave it to you or not) and you are reading this. i want to say thank you for the memories.someday, it will be worth remembering. but for now, i need to be happy and disclose the pain you caused me.
Wednesday, January 02, 2002
thinking of you.....(some new guy)
Tuesday, January 01, 2002
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!
i'm preparing a END OF THE YEAR blog. promise, i'll post it soon.
