posted by pinay freestyle @ 1:30 PM
[[ 0 comments ]]
Monday, October 29, 2001
Thursday, October 25, 2001
ponder......
"the turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the core strength within you that survives all hurt."
----max lerner
"the turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the core strength within you that survives all hurt."
----max lerner
posted by pinay freestyle @ 9:36 PM
[[ 0 comments ]]
COGNIZANCE
cog*ni*zance (noun)
[Middle English conisaunce, from Middle French conoissance, from conoistre to know, from Latin cognoscere]
First appeared 14th Century
1 : a distinguishing mark or emblem (as a heraldic bearing)
2 a : KNOWLEDGE, AWARENESS
b : NOTICE, ACKNOWLEDGMENT
i was searching for a peaceful time to relate something special that happened to me this week. i had it in mind this whole week but i was preoccupied with distressful events and priorities that i put it onhold for a while. but i guess, now is as good as a time to tell you the story.
couple years ago, i mentioned from my blogs before, that i WAS a part of the one of the most notorious asian gang in los angeles. i mean, i did it for belonging, for teenage rebellion, and peer pressure. it was fun while it lasted. as years went by, i realized my capability as an adult and learned to grow and be a woman. i left that old memory of me. i took of the baggy clothes, the dark lipstick, and the ghetto "loca" attitude. the tattoo of my old gang's name and the "plaka"( alias name) i used remain in the lower part of my back waist but now, it has been hidden and i chose to not expose any dash of it left.
things are so peculiar and different now. i established my credibility as me and not the gangster me. i went to college, earned an AA and AS degree with honors (consistent dean's list and presidential awardee),now a succesfsful nurse, and pursuing en even higher degree in biology and nursing, and wanting to be a doctor, someday. guys who are gangsters used to be my type...now, they disgust me. i went through a long term relationship (3 years and a half) and i had previous bf's but all these men in my past left a scar in me and tarnished my soul. despite of these, i remained good friends with all of them. i am now in a brand new relationship and i have just recently discovered how to love again. i decided to move here up in northern cali to search for myself...to be independent, to achieve my dreams.
this is the before and after image of me. and thsi is me now. and not a hint of a wild gangster life, not a smear of a ghetto blood. i wanted it that way: UNNOTICED. i grew up. and i learned the hard way.
why am i telling you these? well, i was on this telephone chat line with a friend of mine and i was talking to my guy friend mike who was a friend of mine back in my teenage years. but before we go into details, i'll spill out more background. years ago, if i can recall it correctly i was 15, i went out this guy who was with me in the same gang. it didn't work out. but i became good friend with his bestfriend, i will call him, "droopy." my connection with droops is irreplaceable. he was like the guy version of my bestfriend, maff. i was his "ate" (big sister) and he was my "ading" (little brother). i did consider him like a brother. he ran to my for advices. i cry to him. we talked and laughed a lot. but we also argued and fought, and disagreed. no romantic relationship whatsoever (well, we both decided NOT to talk about our feelings for each other then. besides, we were both in separate knots then). it was him who taught me that i can reach out to someone...and i taught him...LIFE and to face its consequences. i think i inspired him and in his own little strange ways, he inspired me, too.
well, the last time even talked to droops was 1997. i recalled the last conversation we had, he confided to me that he got a girl pregnant. droops, was only 16 then. he had his whole life ahead of him. he was a druggie, soemwhat a ghetto gangster with his "cholo" (hispanic slang) accent, a laid back kid whose only dream was to score his first sex. yes, i advised him to confront the idea that he has a kid on the way. but he was stubborn. he didn't want to leave this relaxed, and drugged up life. it was a haven for him. he was jobless, his mom was an RN9registered nurse--minimun salary for an Rn is 30 $ per hour), no father9, he gets mad cash, free shelter, nice clothes....what more can a lousy teenager like him ask for?
i consistently nagged him to tell his mom about the child. i told him to expect the yelling and the screaming, and all that from his mother. of course, all moms, under this pressure of knowing that her 16 year old son have gotten a girl pregnant, will freak out. but after all these yelling, everything will fall into its place. i never got comments back from droops. i suggested for him to come clean. but he never told me what was his planned resolutions. all i got was, "i'm scared, ate..but i'll try. i'm not promising anything." he mentioned writing his mom a letter and fessing up before he left for a retreat but nover heard from him again.
droops moved into a new pad and a new environment. my house was burned, i moved and i went to college. when it was time for me to look for him, i lost his number. and he lost mine, too. he didn't tell me where he transferred. although, he knew where i lived, he didn't attempt to visit me. in short words, we lost touch..
all these years, i wondered how droops has been. i marvelled what he has been doing over the years. i also contemplated if he remembered me. or if i even crossed his thoughts sometimes. i speculated his life.did he follow through with his decisions? or is he still the same loser i gave advises to? i pondered if he was okay.
five long years passed. i thought i would never have any trace of droops again. but going back to my situation being on tha chat line wiht my friend mike, i was talking to this guy who thinks he was all that and called himself, "romeo." so all i did was geton his case and do my "ghetto" attitude on him ( i can be a bitch when someoen pushes my buttons). and then all of the sudden, a "cholo" voice came in and asked,
" hey girl, i was wondering if you were my long lost "ate." does your name, by any chance, starts with an "N?" (my real name starts with a N. my nick name is len). i have been trying to look for my "ate" from way back and i was just wondering if that was you."
huh?! *shocked* what the hell? i knew it was droops. i mean, he sounded like him. his distinct husky and rusty manner, anyone can mistake him to be hispanic. but i wanted to double check and make sure. so i asked him to tell me something about me that no one knew but me and him. so he answered,
"march 27, 1993, norton and olympic, ladee "J", "justizze, " "droops" i
and my reaction immediately was, "oh my gosh, is thsi you, ading?" and he responded it was him. it was REALLY HIM. he took my cell phone number and we talked. gosh. i can believe i am talking to droops. five freeking long years has passed?!!!!
so we caught up with each other's life. he told me he wasn't surprise i am successful because i have always been a fighter and a brainy. then he is now with MJ ( the girl he got pregnant 5 years ago). he pursued his decision to admit he was a father. he is 21 now and a lovign father to two kids (jaylan , the little baby who was the baby in MJ's womb, is now five and baby quinton, who is only two.). he is a security now, owns a house and paying mortgage, has a two cars, and a good son. no more drugs and gangs, no more drinking and partyng and getting high...just a full time provider to his kids. although, he is now married to MJ yet, they are living together.
i am completely blown away by all these information. imagine a low life loser like droops back then emerged into a responsible adult? my gosh, that is quite an accomplishment. and i am truly proud of him and the path he chose. people really do change. it's just a matter of time. it worked for me...why can;t it work for droops?
while there were a lot of things we need to cope up with, there was one particular portion of our coversationt that touched me. while i was telling him how life has been for me, droops interupted the conversation and said,
"ate, THANK YOU for believing in me. i made the decision i made because you made me think about my life. and whne veryone stopped believing in me, there was one person who believed in me and that was you. over the years, i looked for you but i didn;t know where else to look for you.i thought i would never speak to you again. but really, thank you."
i told him, it was nothing. and that i always believed in him anyway. and i will always be here for him whenever he needs me. and he assured me the same thing. i knew there were more coping up to do. and time was n't just enough. besides, he was calling me from his work. but we promised to keep in touch. oh yeah, and he mentioned also that his brother lives here in modesto. so when he comes down here, he will go visit me. that's a start.
oh yeah, before i ended our conversation, i ask droops one thing i never had the guts to ask before,
" droops, did you ever liked me back then?" and he simply answered, "yes, ate, i liked you so much but i didn't want to ruin the friendship. i can't manage to lose you. i was too scared to admit it. what about you? "
" ahhmm, yeah, but it was too risky. besides, i didn't want to lose you as a friend."
i just smiled. i am glad i found another missing person in my life. earlier this year, my Lord made me cross path with janice, another gang mate, my best friend after 7 years of absence. just now, my Lord, once again, took over this fate of my friendships with droops. truly, my Lord works in miraculous, unexpected ways.
my friendships with other people means a lot to me. they have been a huge part of me and i treasure each and every one of them. i ask nothing in return. i offer my generosity and kindness with an open arms and open heart. once you become a friend to me, i will always keep you in my heart. and i am especially blessed because my friends like droops, cares deeply for me, too. this is what time and distance to friendships, it makes it stronger and closer.
COGNIZANCE....means knowledge, awareness, acknowledgement. in the thesaurus, it states, "recollection, remmebrance...."
having friends like droops, gives me COGNIZANCE. i am acknowledged of my effort to believe in someone's ability to change and be someone and to assure true meaning of friendships, he made me consciously aware of my life, and his own future, too. COGNIZANCE ...because he took me back to my younger years. something i will always cherished and treasure like my friendship with them is precious and priceless. i kept a vivid recoolection and significant remembrance ....a jewelled COGNIZANCE of it in my heart and i will look back to it for the rest of my life.
ever thought about your own COGNIZANCE?
cog*ni*zance (noun)
[Middle English conisaunce, from Middle French conoissance, from conoistre to know, from Latin cognoscere]
First appeared 14th Century
1 : a distinguishing mark or emblem (as a heraldic bearing)
2 a : KNOWLEDGE, AWARENESS
b : NOTICE, ACKNOWLEDGMENT
i was searching for a peaceful time to relate something special that happened to me this week. i had it in mind this whole week but i was preoccupied with distressful events and priorities that i put it onhold for a while. but i guess, now is as good as a time to tell you the story.
couple years ago, i mentioned from my blogs before, that i WAS a part of the one of the most notorious asian gang in los angeles. i mean, i did it for belonging, for teenage rebellion, and peer pressure. it was fun while it lasted. as years went by, i realized my capability as an adult and learned to grow and be a woman. i left that old memory of me. i took of the baggy clothes, the dark lipstick, and the ghetto "loca" attitude. the tattoo of my old gang's name and the "plaka"( alias name) i used remain in the lower part of my back waist but now, it has been hidden and i chose to not expose any dash of it left.
things are so peculiar and different now. i established my credibility as me and not the gangster me. i went to college, earned an AA and AS degree with honors (consistent dean's list and presidential awardee),now a succesfsful nurse, and pursuing en even higher degree in biology and nursing, and wanting to be a doctor, someday. guys who are gangsters used to be my type...now, they disgust me. i went through a long term relationship (3 years and a half) and i had previous bf's but all these men in my past left a scar in me and tarnished my soul. despite of these, i remained good friends with all of them. i am now in a brand new relationship and i have just recently discovered how to love again. i decided to move here up in northern cali to search for myself...to be independent, to achieve my dreams.
this is the before and after image of me. and thsi is me now. and not a hint of a wild gangster life, not a smear of a ghetto blood. i wanted it that way: UNNOTICED. i grew up. and i learned the hard way.
why am i telling you these? well, i was on this telephone chat line with a friend of mine and i was talking to my guy friend mike who was a friend of mine back in my teenage years. but before we go into details, i'll spill out more background. years ago, if i can recall it correctly i was 15, i went out this guy who was with me in the same gang. it didn't work out. but i became good friend with his bestfriend, i will call him, "droopy." my connection with droops is irreplaceable. he was like the guy version of my bestfriend, maff. i was his "ate" (big sister) and he was my "ading" (little brother). i did consider him like a brother. he ran to my for advices. i cry to him. we talked and laughed a lot. but we also argued and fought, and disagreed. no romantic relationship whatsoever (well, we both decided NOT to talk about our feelings for each other then. besides, we were both in separate knots then). it was him who taught me that i can reach out to someone...and i taught him...LIFE and to face its consequences. i think i inspired him and in his own little strange ways, he inspired me, too.
well, the last time even talked to droops was 1997. i recalled the last conversation we had, he confided to me that he got a girl pregnant. droops, was only 16 then. he had his whole life ahead of him. he was a druggie, soemwhat a ghetto gangster with his "cholo" (hispanic slang) accent, a laid back kid whose only dream was to score his first sex. yes, i advised him to confront the idea that he has a kid on the way. but he was stubborn. he didn't want to leave this relaxed, and drugged up life. it was a haven for him. he was jobless, his mom was an RN9registered nurse--minimun salary for an Rn is 30 $ per hour), no father9, he gets mad cash, free shelter, nice clothes....what more can a lousy teenager like him ask for?
i consistently nagged him to tell his mom about the child. i told him to expect the yelling and the screaming, and all that from his mother. of course, all moms, under this pressure of knowing that her 16 year old son have gotten a girl pregnant, will freak out. but after all these yelling, everything will fall into its place. i never got comments back from droops. i suggested for him to come clean. but he never told me what was his planned resolutions. all i got was, "i'm scared, ate..but i'll try. i'm not promising anything." he mentioned writing his mom a letter and fessing up before he left for a retreat but nover heard from him again.
droops moved into a new pad and a new environment. my house was burned, i moved and i went to college. when it was time for me to look for him, i lost his number. and he lost mine, too. he didn't tell me where he transferred. although, he knew where i lived, he didn't attempt to visit me. in short words, we lost touch..
all these years, i wondered how droops has been. i marvelled what he has been doing over the years. i also contemplated if he remembered me. or if i even crossed his thoughts sometimes. i speculated his life.did he follow through with his decisions? or is he still the same loser i gave advises to? i pondered if he was okay.
five long years passed. i thought i would never have any trace of droops again. but going back to my situation being on tha chat line wiht my friend mike, i was talking to this guy who thinks he was all that and called himself, "romeo." so all i did was geton his case and do my "ghetto" attitude on him ( i can be a bitch when someoen pushes my buttons). and then all of the sudden, a "cholo" voice came in and asked,
" hey girl, i was wondering if you were my long lost "ate." does your name, by any chance, starts with an "N?" (my real name starts with a N. my nick name is len). i have been trying to look for my "ate" from way back and i was just wondering if that was you."
huh?! *shocked* what the hell? i knew it was droops. i mean, he sounded like him. his distinct husky and rusty manner, anyone can mistake him to be hispanic. but i wanted to double check and make sure. so i asked him to tell me something about me that no one knew but me and him. so he answered,
"march 27, 1993, norton and olympic, ladee "J", "justizze, " "droops" i
and my reaction immediately was, "oh my gosh, is thsi you, ading?" and he responded it was him. it was REALLY HIM. he took my cell phone number and we talked. gosh. i can believe i am talking to droops. five freeking long years has passed?!!!!
so we caught up with each other's life. he told me he wasn't surprise i am successful because i have always been a fighter and a brainy. then he is now with MJ ( the girl he got pregnant 5 years ago). he pursued his decision to admit he was a father. he is 21 now and a lovign father to two kids (jaylan , the little baby who was the baby in MJ's womb, is now five and baby quinton, who is only two.). he is a security now, owns a house and paying mortgage, has a two cars, and a good son. no more drugs and gangs, no more drinking and partyng and getting high...just a full time provider to his kids. although, he is now married to MJ yet, they are living together.
i am completely blown away by all these information. imagine a low life loser like droops back then emerged into a responsible adult? my gosh, that is quite an accomplishment. and i am truly proud of him and the path he chose. people really do change. it's just a matter of time. it worked for me...why can;t it work for droops?
while there were a lot of things we need to cope up with, there was one particular portion of our coversationt that touched me. while i was telling him how life has been for me, droops interupted the conversation and said,
"ate, THANK YOU for believing in me. i made the decision i made because you made me think about my life. and whne veryone stopped believing in me, there was one person who believed in me and that was you. over the years, i looked for you but i didn;t know where else to look for you.i thought i would never speak to you again. but really, thank you."
i told him, it was nothing. and that i always believed in him anyway. and i will always be here for him whenever he needs me. and he assured me the same thing. i knew there were more coping up to do. and time was n't just enough. besides, he was calling me from his work. but we promised to keep in touch. oh yeah, and he mentioned also that his brother lives here in modesto. so when he comes down here, he will go visit me. that's a start.
oh yeah, before i ended our conversation, i ask droops one thing i never had the guts to ask before,
" droops, did you ever liked me back then?" and he simply answered, "yes, ate, i liked you so much but i didn't want to ruin the friendship. i can't manage to lose you. i was too scared to admit it. what about you? "
" ahhmm, yeah, but it was too risky. besides, i didn't want to lose you as a friend."
i just smiled. i am glad i found another missing person in my life. earlier this year, my Lord made me cross path with janice, another gang mate, my best friend after 7 years of absence. just now, my Lord, once again, took over this fate of my friendships with droops. truly, my Lord works in miraculous, unexpected ways.
my friendships with other people means a lot to me. they have been a huge part of me and i treasure each and every one of them. i ask nothing in return. i offer my generosity and kindness with an open arms and open heart. once you become a friend to me, i will always keep you in my heart. and i am especially blessed because my friends like droops, cares deeply for me, too. this is what time and distance to friendships, it makes it stronger and closer.
COGNIZANCE....means knowledge, awareness, acknowledgement. in the thesaurus, it states, "recollection, remmebrance...."
having friends like droops, gives me COGNIZANCE. i am acknowledged of my effort to believe in someone's ability to change and be someone and to assure true meaning of friendships, he made me consciously aware of my life, and his own future, too. COGNIZANCE ...because he took me back to my younger years. something i will always cherished and treasure like my friendship with them is precious and priceless. i kept a vivid recoolection and significant remembrance ....a jewelled COGNIZANCE of it in my heart and i will look back to it for the rest of my life.
ever thought about your own COGNIZANCE?
posted by pinay freestyle @ 9:33 PM
[[ 0 comments ]]
Tuesday, October 23, 2001
i will have the ....last laugh
when life goes down...I NEED GET UP and fight the battles.
DRAMA #1
yesterday was quite a misery. every unevitable, chaotic catastrophy i can think of, suddenly invaded my entire world. and in just one second, it has hit me. and boom, there i was, my whole soul is lying on the ground.
i have been jobless for quite a while now because the hospital here are so pickywith the nurses they want to hire. i had an eye on one of the biggest hospitals here in where i am. i turned in my application, i was interviewed. i felt somewhat confident i would get the job. i had the experience. i had numerous training in medical surgical floor. i acquired enough expertise and knowledge on hands on skills for treatment and prevention involved on this floor. i guess, i was too confident.
i had just came home from school and has been stressing out about my life here. on my way home, my asshole uncle( i am not related to him by any bloody means, he just happened to be married to my auntie who is my dad's sister), uttered, " len, i have a surprise message for you on the machine. it's a good news. put it on full volume so we can all hear it." so stupid me, believing i should trust his stupid comments, listened to the message. it was quite long.all i really heard was, " thank you for participating on the interview. but as of today, the positions were filled." in other words, it was their courteous way of saying, "sorry, you're not good enough for us. so ciao. bye."
okay, put it this way, i feel bad enough for what just happened. and instead of the normal, " it's okay, it's their loss, you'll get the job next time" comment from my uncle, his comment was, " you like my surprise?!" gosh, i held my tears hoping not to cry. i pretended i was okay and it didn't bother me. btu what does he do? rubbed it in even more. what an immature asshole! even auntie vicky was upset of him. even his own kids disowned him. i swear, if if wasn't a sin to kill, he would be number one in my list. i ended up crying. but i am so forgivign that i just told myself not to waste my time with assholes like him.
i'm just thankful for my auntie. she apologized for her husband's own actions. if nto for her, i would have left this house already. RRRrrrrr. bad thing is, i still have to live with him for another two months. God will help me, i'm sure.
DRAMA #2
i have been debating my relationship with ron. not only we engaged in many arguements but it's really irking my goddamn nerves. i mean, relationship shoudl be means of helping each other out, and of course, arguemtns are normal everyday thing but lately our relationship have been filled with storms that we kept attacking each other with angry words. every time i talkedto him, it ends into a fight. i can't even manage to handle a decent conversation. and the drama continues on....
i wanted a break.
not a break up. just a time to think things over. a space to breath. i need to get myself together. for both of us to sort our feelings, if we really need each other or...not. i have enough problems. hehas double the amount of mines. i just wanted some kind of peace of mind.
so we talked after a week of ignoring each other and throwing harsh comments. i cried to him last night. i said i was tired. and that if i was making hislife misarable, then i should leave. he hesitated. he said, he loves me too much. and i felt the same way and yet, we can't seem to put things in order lately.
after the long hours of talking, we agreed to start over again. i mean... a new start. a fresh beginning. where will this go? but i am willing to give it a second try. it might be worthied. besides, i love this guy so much. and he loves me, too.in this world, that's rare to find.
************************************************
life is full of challenges and people who redeem by putting someone's ego down. i encountered both yesterday. i realized i can't be perfect all the time. i can't live up to everyone's expectations. i can only conquer my own dreams. life will shower me tons of challenges. and i am going to have to experience all the obstacles ahead. but in the end, these will become the foundations of my strength. and the people who smeared my ego will be my inspiration to strive more, to fight harder and notlet all these frustrations destroy me.
after all, i fought so many battles of frustrations. besides, there are other people who believes in me, who loves me dearly. ron is one of them. i have forgotten how he's here to support me but in return, we need to compromise. and yes, our relationshipwill deal with more storms, perhaps even thunders, but stronger, we will get through it. because we are now aware of our strengths and weaknesses as individuals, btu together wefill up[ the empty spaces in between.
i vow to keep believing, to keep fighting, to keep challenging myself. and no one can stop me from achieving....nto even my asshole uncle, not even the hospital who didn't hire me....someday, i will be able to say,"sorry, it's your loss." because someday, this woman you just stepped on, will become a successful somebody.
keep putting me down, keep tarnishing my esteem, keep me challendge....
in the end, i swear, with all my blood , hard work, patience, determination, and sweat, i will have the last laugh.
when life goes down...I NEED GET UP and fight the battles.
DRAMA #1
yesterday was quite a misery. every unevitable, chaotic catastrophy i can think of, suddenly invaded my entire world. and in just one second, it has hit me. and boom, there i was, my whole soul is lying on the ground.
i have been jobless for quite a while now because the hospital here are so pickywith the nurses they want to hire. i had an eye on one of the biggest hospitals here in where i am. i turned in my application, i was interviewed. i felt somewhat confident i would get the job. i had the experience. i had numerous training in medical surgical floor. i acquired enough expertise and knowledge on hands on skills for treatment and prevention involved on this floor. i guess, i was too confident.
i had just came home from school and has been stressing out about my life here. on my way home, my asshole uncle( i am not related to him by any bloody means, he just happened to be married to my auntie who is my dad's sister), uttered, " len, i have a surprise message for you on the machine. it's a good news. put it on full volume so we can all hear it." so stupid me, believing i should trust his stupid comments, listened to the message. it was quite long.all i really heard was, " thank you for participating on the interview. but as of today, the positions were filled." in other words, it was their courteous way of saying, "sorry, you're not good enough for us. so ciao. bye."
okay, put it this way, i feel bad enough for what just happened. and instead of the normal, " it's okay, it's their loss, you'll get the job next time" comment from my uncle, his comment was, " you like my surprise?!" gosh, i held my tears hoping not to cry. i pretended i was okay and it didn't bother me. btu what does he do? rubbed it in even more. what an immature asshole! even auntie vicky was upset of him. even his own kids disowned him. i swear, if if wasn't a sin to kill, he would be number one in my list. i ended up crying. but i am so forgivign that i just told myself not to waste my time with assholes like him.
i'm just thankful for my auntie. she apologized for her husband's own actions. if nto for her, i would have left this house already. RRRrrrrr. bad thing is, i still have to live with him for another two months. God will help me, i'm sure.
DRAMA #2
i have been debating my relationship with ron. not only we engaged in many arguements but it's really irking my goddamn nerves. i mean, relationship shoudl be means of helping each other out, and of course, arguemtns are normal everyday thing but lately our relationship have been filled with storms that we kept attacking each other with angry words. every time i talkedto him, it ends into a fight. i can't even manage to handle a decent conversation. and the drama continues on....
i wanted a break.
not a break up. just a time to think things over. a space to breath. i need to get myself together. for both of us to sort our feelings, if we really need each other or...not. i have enough problems. hehas double the amount of mines. i just wanted some kind of peace of mind.
so we talked after a week of ignoring each other and throwing harsh comments. i cried to him last night. i said i was tired. and that if i was making hislife misarable, then i should leave. he hesitated. he said, he loves me too much. and i felt the same way and yet, we can't seem to put things in order lately.
after the long hours of talking, we agreed to start over again. i mean... a new start. a fresh beginning. where will this go? but i am willing to give it a second try. it might be worthied. besides, i love this guy so much. and he loves me, too.in this world, that's rare to find.
************************************************
life is full of challenges and people who redeem by putting someone's ego down. i encountered both yesterday. i realized i can't be perfect all the time. i can't live up to everyone's expectations. i can only conquer my own dreams. life will shower me tons of challenges. and i am going to have to experience all the obstacles ahead. but in the end, these will become the foundations of my strength. and the people who smeared my ego will be my inspiration to strive more, to fight harder and notlet all these frustrations destroy me.
after all, i fought so many battles of frustrations. besides, there are other people who believes in me, who loves me dearly. ron is one of them. i have forgotten how he's here to support me but in return, we need to compromise. and yes, our relationshipwill deal with more storms, perhaps even thunders, but stronger, we will get through it. because we are now aware of our strengths and weaknesses as individuals, btu together wefill up[ the empty spaces in between.
i vow to keep believing, to keep fighting, to keep challenging myself. and no one can stop me from achieving....nto even my asshole uncle, not even the hospital who didn't hire me....someday, i will be able to say,"sorry, it's your loss." because someday, this woman you just stepped on, will become a successful somebody.
keep putting me down, keep tarnishing my esteem, keep me challendge....
in the end, i swear, with all my blood , hard work, patience, determination, and sweat, i will have the last laugh.
posted by pinay freestyle @ 11:22 PM
[[ 0 comments ]]
Sunday, October 21, 2001
What do guys like??? Waht do girls like???
(adapted from chicken soup for the soul series)
guys like......
...girls who takegood care of themselves. not model beauty but clean hair, smelling good, exercising.
... girls WHO HAVE A LIFE! they like it when you are NOT always available. they like to know that if they likeyou, you aren't going to need them all the time.
...girls who have a sense of humor.
...girls who DON'T TRY TOO HARD. trying too hard means the girl is desperate. they want to think that they lucked out by getting the girl.
...girls who LISTEN to them and find them interesting. not the ones that are "faking."
...girls who have FUN with their girlfriends. they want to know that if they are going to watch the game on saturday night, the girls isn't going to fall apart. they likegirls who can have a good time WITHOUT them.
...girls who SINCERELYLIKES THEM. not the girls who says, " i want a boyfriend" but the girls who says, "i'm looking forward to meeting a guy i like who likes me back."
*******************************************************
girls like......
...guys who adore them.
...guys who are strong. guys who are confident and give them the feeling that they are safe when they are around them.
...guys who aren't afraid to say weet things to them. "you looks so pretty tonight," stuff like that,
...guys who don't shy away from them when their buddies are around.
...guys who know how to have fun when they are with a girl ( besides physical).
...guys who make them feel special.
...guys who care about their feelings and who aren't afraid to talk abput "emotional" stuff.
...guys who are thoughtful, who call just to say, "hi,""good night," or to see how they are doing.
...guys who are generous. not just with money, but in other ways too. they like gusy who wil lgo out of their way to make them feel comfortable.
...guys who take care of themselves---nice clothes, clean hair. they love a guy who SMELLS GOOD.
...guys who do little things like hold their hand softly, move their hair away from their face for them, or remember the day they first kiss.
(adapted from chicken soup for the soul series)
guys like......
...girls who takegood care of themselves. not model beauty but clean hair, smelling good, exercising.
... girls WHO HAVE A LIFE! they like it when you are NOT always available. they like to know that if they likeyou, you aren't going to need them all the time.
...girls who have a sense of humor.
...girls who DON'T TRY TOO HARD. trying too hard means the girl is desperate. they want to think that they lucked out by getting the girl.
...girls who LISTEN to them and find them interesting. not the ones that are "faking."
...girls who have FUN with their girlfriends. they want to know that if they are going to watch the game on saturday night, the girls isn't going to fall apart. they likegirls who can have a good time WITHOUT them.
...girls who SINCERELYLIKES THEM. not the girls who says, " i want a boyfriend" but the girls who says, "i'm looking forward to meeting a guy i like who likes me back."
*******************************************************
girls like......
...guys who adore them.
...guys who are strong. guys who are confident and give them the feeling that they are safe when they are around them.
...guys who aren't afraid to say weet things to them. "you looks so pretty tonight," stuff like that,
...guys who don't shy away from them when their buddies are around.
...guys who know how to have fun when they are with a girl ( besides physical).
...guys who make them feel special.
...guys who care about their feelings and who aren't afraid to talk abput "emotional" stuff.
...guys who are thoughtful, who call just to say, "hi,""good night," or to see how they are doing.
...guys who are generous. not just with money, but in other ways too. they like gusy who wil lgo out of their way to make them feel comfortable.
...guys who take care of themselves---nice clothes, clean hair. they love a guy who SMELLS GOOD.
...guys who do little things like hold their hand softly, move their hair away from their face for them, or remember the day they first kiss.
posted by pinay freestyle @ 9:46 PM
[[ 0 comments ]]
BITS AND PIECES
************************************************************
oh yeah....went to santa cruz boardwalk yesterday morning and stayed there until 6 am. it was okay.quite boring because there was hardly anyone there. we ate at denny's and gosh, i swear, there was way too many asian and surfer dudes and blond beach babes there. but the drive going and coming home was an experience.it was a mmixture of creepy and scenic at the same time. i tell yah, that was quite an adventure. oh yeah , mmmmm forgot to mention, we snuck out to go to santa cruz. my auntie and uncle were at las vegas. we tricked my loud mouth cousin albert and convinced him that we were clubbing at stockton. we told our my aunt and uncle that we went to watch a movie last night. pppsstccha!!! yeah right!!?
************************************************************
going to santa cruz, i found out where ron used to lived in san jose ( he used to live in cuopertino, 2 miles north of san jose). and it's about 40 minutes to an hour drive depending on the traffic from where i am coming from. at least, if ron decided to move here up north, i know the way to get there. and it's not that far from me.
************************************************************
talked to mom and papa today. i cried again...because i miss them. i do! i miss everyone but i miss them the most.i have been also spending my time sending text messages through the cell phone (thanks toCINGULAR) and communicating to my older sister in the philippines. that was good.
************************************************************
ate ralna had a baby boy last week. his name is lee genesis. my folks and my relatives were there today in riverside to see the baby. ahhh, i wanna see the baby, too!
************************************************************
oh yeah, one more thing, i watched the backstreet boys concert in san jose compaq center last week. if ron can read this, he could have been laughing at me. hey, i like baskstreet. besides, it was a free tickte and we were on th frontrow.mmy favorite backstreet? KEVIN.he is cute.
************************************************************
oh yeah....went to santa cruz boardwalk yesterday morning and stayed there until 6 am. it was okay.quite boring because there was hardly anyone there. we ate at denny's and gosh, i swear, there was way too many asian and surfer dudes and blond beach babes there. but the drive going and coming home was an experience.it was a mmixture of creepy and scenic at the same time. i tell yah, that was quite an adventure. oh yeah , mmmmm forgot to mention, we snuck out to go to santa cruz. my auntie and uncle were at las vegas. we tricked my loud mouth cousin albert and convinced him that we were clubbing at stockton. we told our my aunt and uncle that we went to watch a movie last night. pppsstccha!!! yeah right!!?
************************************************************
going to santa cruz, i found out where ron used to lived in san jose ( he used to live in cuopertino, 2 miles north of san jose). and it's about 40 minutes to an hour drive depending on the traffic from where i am coming from. at least, if ron decided to move here up north, i know the way to get there. and it's not that far from me.
************************************************************
talked to mom and papa today. i cried again...because i miss them. i do! i miss everyone but i miss them the most.i have been also spending my time sending text messages through the cell phone (thanks toCINGULAR) and communicating to my older sister in the philippines. that was good.
************************************************************
ate ralna had a baby boy last week. his name is lee genesis. my folks and my relatives were there today in riverside to see the baby. ahhh, i wanna see the baby, too!
************************************************************
oh yeah, one more thing, i watched the backstreet boys concert in san jose compaq center last week. if ron can read this, he could have been laughing at me. hey, i like baskstreet. besides, it was a free tickte and we were on th frontrow.mmy favorite backstreet? KEVIN.he is cute.
posted by pinay freestyle @ 4:37 AM
[[ 0 comments ]]
i'm missing RON. we've been dealing with a lot of disagreements lately.today was one of them. well, i decided to read the letters he wrote for me. and i started weeping. hmmm....what the heck, he has no access to this page anyway, so here, i'll let you take a peek at it.
LETTER FROM RON for me<3
september 25, 2001
to the woman i love (len),
you symbolize the hope that once vanished from within. and now, because of your lovw, i have learned to feel. my hope has miraculously come back.the light shining brightly on my new found pathway in life have been created by the happiness and love that was discovered the moment i locked you into the most delicate and precious possession of mine....my heart.
my love, which is pure and real, is yours until the end to feel and experience for as long as your heart desires.you are like a jewel every treasure hunter seeks to find, to embrace, and to value until the end of time. these words that i am writing, are not just words. for not all words comes from the heart. with each of the words written here, there is a meaning that is very special that goes along with it.
when you approach the end of this letter, i hope you place and tuck the words written safely inside your heart. i want you to embrace my love with tender care.
i do love you...always.
love,
ron
LETTER FROM RON for me<3
september 25, 2001
to the woman i love (len),
you symbolize the hope that once vanished from within. and now, because of your lovw, i have learned to feel. my hope has miraculously come back.the light shining brightly on my new found pathway in life have been created by the happiness and love that was discovered the moment i locked you into the most delicate and precious possession of mine....my heart.
my love, which is pure and real, is yours until the end to feel and experience for as long as your heart desires.you are like a jewel every treasure hunter seeks to find, to embrace, and to value until the end of time. these words that i am writing, are not just words. for not all words comes from the heart. with each of the words written here, there is a meaning that is very special that goes along with it.
when you approach the end of this letter, i hope you place and tuck the words written safely inside your heart. i want you to embrace my love with tender care.
i do love you...always.
love,
ron
posted by pinay freestyle @ 4:16 AM
[[ 0 comments ]]
Friday, October 19, 2001
hello!!!!
sorry for my long silence. i just needed time off to prioritize the important things in my life. and i am glad to informyou that thngs are in progress and hopefully,it will proceed as planned. if not, i will search for another route and get to my destination. but i am back!!!
for starters, i am still with RON. it's a new relationship. and we are still getting used to each other. but here'san update....on check out TEARYEYES.
i am still living here in modesto and going to school in stockton. i am adjusting gradually. i still miss the comforts of my home and my bedroom in los angeles. i still get homesick. i miss my family and friends and my boyfriend terribly. but i am trying very hard to live life normally. i am still calling home very often.my phonebills are the proof of that. i am still job searching. but potential offersd are on the way. i still get intouch withmy bestfriedn in vegas. and thank God for text messaging on my cellphone, i am able to keep in touich with my older sister (ate bel)and the kids( ichjad and ischa) and my other cousins (hannah and company) and my bestfriend janice in the philippines.
i am still coping with the homesickness issue but overall, i am getting better at it. so i would liek to say thank you for all the people who reads my blogs and actually finds my blabbin' entertaining. i rpomised more decent blogs on the approaching days. please email me if you have thoughts and comments or advices. i welcome anything! well..god bless....enjoy....READ ON.
ANGELS
my cousin aileen and i weere watching this television show that featured ANGELS.i found out that my guardian angel's name is HAAIAH. i don't know if i mentioned before that i had this fascination for angels. my bedroom in los angeles have a variety of angelcollection ranging from samllfigurines to huge ones, the paintinga andallthe other accesories.
why angels?
well, i believe every individual have a guardian angel. i was in crisis couple years ago during my teenage rebellion. i mean, i was engaged with gangs and went through near death experiences. for some reason, i was never hit by a bullet. and other circumstances, i was just plain stupid to "experiment" on drug overdose and i NEVER encountered one even with drinking one full bottle of heavy dosage medication.
at times when i felt like nothing was going right for me, some good things comes up out of the sudden. at times i do not have the anwers to my questions, i pray for clues or hints and for some strange reason, it shows up.
for instance, one of the biggest decision i had to make is to leave EVERTHING in LA not knowing what is ahead of me here up north. but events and situations were unfolding before my very eyes....how i got in school before the deadline which was the day after i got in, how the professors accepted me even if i was three weeks delayed from school, how i consistently got A's even if i felt as i didn't even worked hard enough, how my friends are willing to help me out financially when i have NOTHING to my self, how i had conflistc with mom and my boyfriend ron, and yet, we learn to compromise by the end of the day....and now, i just got called for an interview for a job i i have been aiming for a long time now.
sure, it can be purely coincidence. but all these events i mentioned just happened within the course of two months. it can be my guardian angel, HAAIAH. it can also be the spirits of grandma who is always guiding me. or it can also be determination, hardwork, and prayers. or is it simply what we call "earth angels?" the humans who are simply kind.
i could nto explain it to you. whatever and whoever it is, i still believe SOMEONE is guiding me and directing me to the right path. it can be my heaven angel, it can be an earth angel, it can be my Lord's cherubims and seraphims. whoever, it has to be heaven sent, and i am thankful.
and i will continue believing. there's nothing wrong with believing.
sorry for my long silence. i just needed time off to prioritize the important things in my life. and i am glad to informyou that thngs are in progress and hopefully,it will proceed as planned. if not, i will search for another route and get to my destination. but i am back!!!
for starters, i am still with RON. it's a new relationship. and we are still getting used to each other. but here'san update....on check out TEARYEYES.
i am still living here in modesto and going to school in stockton. i am adjusting gradually. i still miss the comforts of my home and my bedroom in los angeles. i still get homesick. i miss my family and friends and my boyfriend terribly. but i am trying very hard to live life normally. i am still calling home very often.my phonebills are the proof of that. i am still job searching. but potential offersd are on the way. i still get intouch withmy bestfriedn in vegas. and thank God for text messaging on my cellphone, i am able to keep in touich with my older sister (ate bel)and the kids( ichjad and ischa) and my other cousins (hannah and company) and my bestfriend janice in the philippines.
i am still coping with the homesickness issue but overall, i am getting better at it. so i would liek to say thank you for all the people who reads my blogs and actually finds my blabbin' entertaining. i rpomised more decent blogs on the approaching days. please email me if you have thoughts and comments or advices. i welcome anything! well..god bless....enjoy....READ ON.
ANGELS
my cousin aileen and i weere watching this television show that featured ANGELS.i found out that my guardian angel's name is HAAIAH. i don't know if i mentioned before that i had this fascination for angels. my bedroom in los angeles have a variety of angelcollection ranging from samllfigurines to huge ones, the paintinga andallthe other accesories.
why angels?
well, i believe every individual have a guardian angel. i was in crisis couple years ago during my teenage rebellion. i mean, i was engaged with gangs and went through near death experiences. for some reason, i was never hit by a bullet. and other circumstances, i was just plain stupid to "experiment" on drug overdose and i NEVER encountered one even with drinking one full bottle of heavy dosage medication.
at times when i felt like nothing was going right for me, some good things comes up out of the sudden. at times i do not have the anwers to my questions, i pray for clues or hints and for some strange reason, it shows up.
for instance, one of the biggest decision i had to make is to leave EVERTHING in LA not knowing what is ahead of me here up north. but events and situations were unfolding before my very eyes....how i got in school before the deadline which was the day after i got in, how the professors accepted me even if i was three weeks delayed from school, how i consistently got A's even if i felt as i didn't even worked hard enough, how my friends are willing to help me out financially when i have NOTHING to my self, how i had conflistc with mom and my boyfriend ron, and yet, we learn to compromise by the end of the day....and now, i just got called for an interview for a job i i have been aiming for a long time now.
sure, it can be purely coincidence. but all these events i mentioned just happened within the course of two months. it can be my guardian angel, HAAIAH. it can also be the spirits of grandma who is always guiding me. or it can also be determination, hardwork, and prayers. or is it simply what we call "earth angels?" the humans who are simply kind.
i could nto explain it to you. whatever and whoever it is, i still believe SOMEONE is guiding me and directing me to the right path. it can be my heaven angel, it can be an earth angel, it can be my Lord's cherubims and seraphims. whoever, it has to be heaven sent, and i am thankful.
and i will continue believing. there's nothing wrong with believing.
posted by pinay freestyle @ 11:58 AM
[[ 0 comments ]]
Monday, October 01, 2001
not our day at all....
too many things happened today.
i wasn't able to talk to ron, i woke up late because i was awakeallnight waiting for him to call, and then my cousin aileen and i were stuck an hour anda half in traffic GOING to my school....because there was a goddamn accident on the 99 north freeway going to stockton, we decided to use a detour route on theside sreet withot any knwoledge of the downtown stockton area, adnthe we got lost, and then finally we were able to get to the 5 north freeway, thankgod, we remembered one freekin' landmarkin stockton---filipino plaza, and then on the 5 freeway, we drove 80 miles per hour, swiveling from one lane to the other, and then upon exiting, a crazy, lunatic,old man taxi driver merge unexpectedly to our lane which we almost hit by one freekin 'inch by the way, and so i honked the horn at him and he gives us a "middlefinger." what do i do? my blood was boiling and so i overtake him and get into stupid roadrage... . then finally, i got to school 15 minutes before the class ended and i had a freekin' exam i studied so hard for, i thought she wasn't going to let me take the test. thankgodagain, my teacher was so nice. i took the test and felt confident towards my answers.
so to relieve all these stress, my cousin and i decided to "relax" at the mall....and didn't noticed the time. then the cell phone started ringing....it was her parents. so we were panicking because they were bugging the hell out of us. we decided NOT to answer. and then they call...again, and again and again.
finally, we agreed on a white lie to tell them. and i decided to do the talking to my aunt, respectfully, and oh my gosh, she was yelling at me, too. she was asking me this and that. and uncle was yelling at me and screaming in the background. and then i was giving the cell phone to my cousin and she didn't even wanna hear it. aaaahhhrrr. i was irritated. i just told them we were on our way home and they need not to worry. what do they do? hun gup on me.
i was pissed already. and then going backto the freeway5 south ....there was another accident and the ramps were closed. so i called them again, and tell them about the situation and they were yelling at us. i asked if they knew of other detour from stockton and they weren't very helpful at all. what am i suppose to do? i do not know my way around this area. it's like being in a blindfold not knowing where to go. and then aileen decided she should talk to them. and all i overheard was, "stupid here, and stupid there" being said to her and it was obviously hurting her.
so we decided to stop to eat. and then i called ron and he,too, was nagging me. rrrr. more... and more...and then we finally hit the 5 and then we call them up updating them of our situation and gosh, my aunlce is so closed minded that he thinks i was making up the story that there was an accident. gosh,i even told them to watch the news or something...just so he cansee it for himself. but no, he insistedhe was right and i was lying to him. and auntie, on the other hand, didn;t care to listen to what we had to say and decided uncle was right.
on the way home, aileen tells me about her emotional and social relationship her parents and she said she had no emotional link to them whatsoever because they are so paranoid. then she discuss her problems...and grunges she was holding against her mom and dad and how she deals with all the painful words they say against her. and then i realized how lucky i am. she might have had every material things i wanted in life but i am so fortunate to have the most wonderful mom and dad who gave and showered me all the loving in the world. her life is filled with so many sad stories compared to mine.
on our way home, i thought about my siblings, how close we were, how my mom and dad spend quality time with us to go to church every sunday, to talk about certain thingsin life openly, how we have time to sit around a meal to eat and pray together, to gather around the family room, crack a joke and share a laughter or two, how my mother understand and TRIES to understand us, how my dad gives everything he has to give for us...
as we approached the drive way, we prepared ourselves for a long lecture, more yelling and sceaming.and then we got in. no words said. just angry faces ....looking and staring at us. rrr. it was irritating. and then auntie wants us to show our faces to uncle....for nothing.
i wasn't ready for more stress anyway. i am so drained out and to think ti was only monday and i had more drearing things to do for the rest of the week. i just wanted to lie in bed and lock myself up in the room.
so i entered my room. in my bed was a priority package from mom and my family in los angeles, consisting of review materials for my licensure exam. and a note that simply said, they missed me and they loved me. i went to the bathroom and i cried there. i missed them, too.
ahh. in this wrold were hate is everywhere, and we run obstacles that are too hard to handle, it felt goood to know that my parents and siblings are there and they loved me unconditionally. my Lord works in miraculous ways.
. i have forgotten how lucky i am .the note from my mother that simply stated, "love, Mama" reminded me that i am... especially today, i needed that . and what a comfort.
thank you, Lord...for my wonderful parents and siblings.
too many things happened today.
i wasn't able to talk to ron, i woke up late because i was awakeallnight waiting for him to call, and then my cousin aileen and i were stuck an hour anda half in traffic GOING to my school....because there was a goddamn accident on the 99 north freeway going to stockton, we decided to use a detour route on theside sreet withot any knwoledge of the downtown stockton area, adnthe we got lost, and then finally we were able to get to the 5 north freeway, thankgod, we remembered one freekin' landmarkin stockton---filipino plaza, and then on the 5 freeway, we drove 80 miles per hour, swiveling from one lane to the other, and then upon exiting, a crazy, lunatic,old man taxi driver merge unexpectedly to our lane which we almost hit by one freekin 'inch by the way, and so i honked the horn at him and he gives us a "middlefinger." what do i do? my blood was boiling and so i overtake him and get into stupid roadrage... . then finally, i got to school 15 minutes before the class ended and i had a freekin' exam i studied so hard for, i thought she wasn't going to let me take the test. thankgodagain, my teacher was so nice. i took the test and felt confident towards my answers.
so to relieve all these stress, my cousin and i decided to "relax" at the mall....and didn't noticed the time. then the cell phone started ringing....it was her parents. so we were panicking because they were bugging the hell out of us. we decided NOT to answer. and then they call...again, and again and again.
finally, we agreed on a white lie to tell them. and i decided to do the talking to my aunt, respectfully, and oh my gosh, she was yelling at me, too. she was asking me this and that. and uncle was yelling at me and screaming in the background. and then i was giving the cell phone to my cousin and she didn't even wanna hear it. aaaahhhrrr. i was irritated. i just told them we were on our way home and they need not to worry. what do they do? hun gup on me.
i was pissed already. and then going backto the freeway5 south ....there was another accident and the ramps were closed. so i called them again, and tell them about the situation and they were yelling at us. i asked if they knew of other detour from stockton and they weren't very helpful at all. what am i suppose to do? i do not know my way around this area. it's like being in a blindfold not knowing where to go. and then aileen decided she should talk to them. and all i overheard was, "stupid here, and stupid there" being said to her and it was obviously hurting her.
so we decided to stop to eat. and then i called ron and he,too, was nagging me. rrrr. more... and more...and then we finally hit the 5 and then we call them up updating them of our situation and gosh, my aunlce is so closed minded that he thinks i was making up the story that there was an accident. gosh,i even told them to watch the news or something...just so he cansee it for himself. but no, he insistedhe was right and i was lying to him. and auntie, on the other hand, didn;t care to listen to what we had to say and decided uncle was right.
on the way home, aileen tells me about her emotional and social relationship her parents and she said she had no emotional link to them whatsoever because they are so paranoid. then she discuss her problems...and grunges she was holding against her mom and dad and how she deals with all the painful words they say against her. and then i realized how lucky i am. she might have had every material things i wanted in life but i am so fortunate to have the most wonderful mom and dad who gave and showered me all the loving in the world. her life is filled with so many sad stories compared to mine.
on our way home, i thought about my siblings, how close we were, how my mom and dad spend quality time with us to go to church every sunday, to talk about certain thingsin life openly, how we have time to sit around a meal to eat and pray together, to gather around the family room, crack a joke and share a laughter or two, how my mother understand and TRIES to understand us, how my dad gives everything he has to give for us...
as we approached the drive way, we prepared ourselves for a long lecture, more yelling and sceaming.and then we got in. no words said. just angry faces ....looking and staring at us. rrr. it was irritating. and then auntie wants us to show our faces to uncle....for nothing.
i wasn't ready for more stress anyway. i am so drained out and to think ti was only monday and i had more drearing things to do for the rest of the week. i just wanted to lie in bed and lock myself up in the room.
so i entered my room. in my bed was a priority package from mom and my family in los angeles, consisting of review materials for my licensure exam. and a note that simply said, they missed me and they loved me. i went to the bathroom and i cried there. i missed them, too.
ahh. in this wrold were hate is everywhere, and we run obstacles that are too hard to handle, it felt goood to know that my parents and siblings are there and they loved me unconditionally. my Lord works in miraculous ways.
. i have forgotten how lucky i am .the note from my mother that simply stated, "love, Mama" reminded me that i am... especially today, i needed that . and what a comfort.
thank you, Lord...for my wonderful parents and siblings.
posted by pinay freestyle @ 11:45 PM
[[ 0 comments ]]
first fight
rrr. ron and i engaged into a major fight about everything. it just blew out of proportion. i was so upset that i suggested we should take a moment ( couple days) off each other. but he keeps hesitating.he asked why do i hurt him that way? what does eh think? it's not hurting me that we are arguing? our arguments derived from simply mentioning "glenn's name"(which by the way, will never be mentioned, according to ron) to saying something minor to my cousin that "ron was 'bitching' on me..."*it's true though! but ron said , i am making him look bad in front of my cousins.
then it just exploded into, "maybe, you found someone new there....," or," maybe, you still love glenn...", and "i'm so wrong and you are so "always" right again," and " "you never say 'sorry', i always apologise..." dialogues. gosh. i wanted to leave. actually, i hung up on him couple of times and went to bed and bath for a while just to calm down because i tend to say hurtful words when i am angry. and then ron blew up my cellphone's voicemail by conitnuing giving his goddamn lecture on it.
but behind my angry heart, i missed him. and it was probably hurting me more because i was hurting him and not mean it but i knew i did. but if you were in my position, wouldn't it be better to relax and say,"sorry" and mean it...afteryou are calm and at ease rather than apologizing on the spot and not mean it? i wanted to cry at the store but i held my tears because people were all around me. yet, it was killing that i didn't say sorry for my share of mishaps so i called, apologized, and uttered,"i love you."
and then after couple hours, we argue again....nonstop, like a cycle. what am i to do? he was yelling hysterically and unreasonably. and it was, once again, getting on my freekin' nerves. and so i stayed quiet ....the whole time and responded sarcastically to his nonsense argumentative questions. i mean, he has not seen the "peak of my bitchness" but i swear, it is getting there.
that was about three hours ago. he said he will call me. so we can discuss this in private and peaceful manner. and what time is it now? it's 2: 00 am . and where the hell is he? i have no goddamn idea! i am aware that these petty love and hate arguments are part of a relationship. and it should be our foundation to work things out. but it's both draining us out and i don't want it to be that way. maybe, i am too stubborn to say sorry. but i am not just verbally expresssive of my feelings and emotions as he is. i am not perfect and these are one of my many flaws. but is that even worth arguing to this extent?
gosh....men. i need ron. i love him. but at moments i thought i comprehend them, they get more complicated that even if i analyse the situation in all angles and explain view point towards it, i will still be wrong because their brains are so narrow-minded. so what is the point of explaining myself? if i say something, it is misinterpreted. and if i do not say anything, i am still being attack.
why is it every single thing matters when you are with someone?i terribly miss him.gosh, i hope he realizes that it took me years to decide to get into another relationship and he was the ONE i love that is why i am with him. i just hope he realises my importance, too. i do not want to lose him. right now, he inspires me. i will fight any battles with him. i am just trying to calm down.
* i hope we can settle this petty fight...as soon as possible....perhaps,tonight.i can't sleep without apologizing to him. i hope he calls ....so if i do end up sleeping tonight, it will be a good one.
ILOVEYOU, beb. gosh, if you can only dig deep in my heart, you will know how much.
rrr. ron and i engaged into a major fight about everything. it just blew out of proportion. i was so upset that i suggested we should take a moment ( couple days) off each other. but he keeps hesitating.he asked why do i hurt him that way? what does eh think? it's not hurting me that we are arguing? our arguments derived from simply mentioning "glenn's name"(which by the way, will never be mentioned, according to ron) to saying something minor to my cousin that "ron was 'bitching' on me..."*it's true though! but ron said , i am making him look bad in front of my cousins.
then it just exploded into, "maybe, you found someone new there....," or," maybe, you still love glenn...", and "i'm so wrong and you are so "always" right again," and " "you never say 'sorry', i always apologise..." dialogues. gosh. i wanted to leave. actually, i hung up on him couple of times and went to bed and bath for a while just to calm down because i tend to say hurtful words when i am angry. and then ron blew up my cellphone's voicemail by conitnuing giving his goddamn lecture on it.
but behind my angry heart, i missed him. and it was probably hurting me more because i was hurting him and not mean it but i knew i did. but if you were in my position, wouldn't it be better to relax and say,"sorry" and mean it...afteryou are calm and at ease rather than apologizing on the spot and not mean it? i wanted to cry at the store but i held my tears because people were all around me. yet, it was killing that i didn't say sorry for my share of mishaps so i called, apologized, and uttered,"i love you."
and then after couple hours, we argue again....nonstop, like a cycle. what am i to do? he was yelling hysterically and unreasonably. and it was, once again, getting on my freekin' nerves. and so i stayed quiet ....the whole time and responded sarcastically to his nonsense argumentative questions. i mean, he has not seen the "peak of my bitchness" but i swear, it is getting there.
that was about three hours ago. he said he will call me. so we can discuss this in private and peaceful manner. and what time is it now? it's 2: 00 am . and where the hell is he? i have no goddamn idea! i am aware that these petty love and hate arguments are part of a relationship. and it should be our foundation to work things out. but it's both draining us out and i don't want it to be that way. maybe, i am too stubborn to say sorry. but i am not just verbally expresssive of my feelings and emotions as he is. i am not perfect and these are one of my many flaws. but is that even worth arguing to this extent?
gosh....men. i need ron. i love him. but at moments i thought i comprehend them, they get more complicated that even if i analyse the situation in all angles and explain view point towards it, i will still be wrong because their brains are so narrow-minded. so what is the point of explaining myself? if i say something, it is misinterpreted. and if i do not say anything, i am still being attack.
why is it every single thing matters when you are with someone?i terribly miss him.gosh, i hope he realizes that it took me years to decide to get into another relationship and he was the ONE i love that is why i am with him. i just hope he realises my importance, too. i do not want to lose him. right now, he inspires me. i will fight any battles with him. i am just trying to calm down.
* i hope we can settle this petty fight...as soon as possible....perhaps,tonight.i can't sleep without apologizing to him. i hope he calls ....so if i do end up sleeping tonight, it will be a good one.
ILOVEYOU, beb. gosh, if you can only dig deep in my heart, you will know how much.
posted by pinay freestyle @ 2:35 AM
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