COGNIZANCE

cog*ni*zance (noun)
[Middle English conisaunce, from Middle French conoissance, from conoistre to know, from Latin cognoscere]
First appeared 14th Century
1 : a distinguishing mark or emblem (as a heraldic bearing)
2 a : KNOWLEDGE, AWARENESS
b : NOTICE, ACKNOWLEDGMENT
i was searching for a peaceful time to relate something special that happened to me this week. i had it in mind this whole week but i was preoccupied with distressful events and priorities that i put it onhold for a while. but i guess, now is as good as a time to tell you the story.

couple years ago, i mentioned from my blogs before, that i WAS a part of the one of the most notorious asian gang in los angeles. i mean, i did it for belonging, for teenage rebellion, and peer pressure. it was fun while it lasted. as years went by, i realized my capability as an adult and learned to grow and be a woman. i left that old memory of me. i took of the baggy clothes, the dark lipstick, and the ghetto "loca" attitude. the tattoo of my old gang's name and the "plaka"( alias name) i used remain in the lower part of my back waist but now, it has been hidden and i chose to not expose any dash of it left.

things are so peculiar and different now. i established my credibility as me and not the gangster me. i went to college, earned an AA and AS degree with honors (consistent dean's list and presidential awardee),now a succesfsful nurse, and pursuing en even higher degree in biology and nursing, and wanting to be a doctor, someday. guys who are gangsters used to be my type...now, they disgust me. i went through a long term relationship (3 years and a half) and i had previous bf's but all these men in my past left a scar in me and tarnished my soul. despite of these, i remained good friends with all of them. i am now in a brand new relationship and i have just recently discovered how to love again. i decided to move here up in northern cali to search for myself...to be independent, to achieve my dreams.

this is the before and after image of me. and thsi is me now. and not a hint of a wild gangster life, not a smear of a ghetto blood. i wanted it that way: UNNOTICED. i grew up. and i learned the hard way.

why am i telling you these? well, i was on this telephone chat line with a friend of mine and i was talking to my guy friend mike who was a friend of mine back in my teenage years. but before we go into details, i'll spill out more background. years ago, if i can recall it correctly i was 15, i went out this guy who was with me in the same gang. it didn't work out. but i became good friend with his bestfriend, i will call him, "droopy." my connection with droops is irreplaceable. he was like the guy version of my bestfriend, maff. i was his "ate" (big sister) and he was my "ading" (little brother). i did consider him like a brother. he ran to my for advices. i cry to him. we talked and laughed a lot. but we also argued and fought, and disagreed. no romantic relationship whatsoever (well, we both decided NOT to talk about our feelings for each other then. besides, we were both in separate knots then). it was him who taught me that i can reach out to someone...and i taught him...LIFE and to face its consequences. i think i inspired him and in his own little strange ways, he inspired me, too.

well, the last time even talked to droops was 1997. i recalled the last conversation we had, he confided to me that he got a girl pregnant. droops, was only 16 then. he had his whole life ahead of him. he was a druggie, soemwhat a ghetto gangster with his "cholo" (hispanic slang) accent, a laid back kid whose only dream was to score his first sex. yes, i advised him to confront the idea that he has a kid on the way. but he was stubborn. he didn't want to leave this relaxed, and drugged up life. it was a haven for him. he was jobless, his mom was an RN9registered nurse--minimun salary for an Rn is 30 $ per hour), no father9, he gets mad cash, free shelter, nice clothes....what more can a lousy teenager like him ask for?

i consistently nagged him to tell his mom about the child. i told him to expect the yelling and the screaming, and all that from his mother. of course, all moms, under this pressure of knowing that her 16 year old son have gotten a girl pregnant, will freak out. but after all these yelling, everything will fall into its place. i never got comments back from droops. i suggested for him to come clean. but he never told me what was his planned resolutions. all i got was, "i'm scared, ate..but i'll try. i'm not promising anything." he mentioned writing his mom a letter and fessing up before he left for a retreat but nover heard from him again.

droops moved into a new pad and a new environment. my house was burned, i moved and i went to college. when it was time for me to look for him, i lost his number. and he lost mine, too. he didn't tell me where he transferred. although, he knew where i lived, he didn't attempt to visit me. in short words, we lost touch..

all these years, i wondered how droops has been. i marvelled what he has been doing over the years. i also contemplated if he remembered me. or if i even crossed his thoughts sometimes. i speculated his life.did he follow through with his decisions? or is he still the same loser i gave advises to? i pondered if he was okay.

five long years passed. i thought i would never have any trace of droops again. but going back to my situation being on tha chat line wiht my friend mike, i was talking to this guy who thinks he was all that and called himself, "romeo." so all i did was geton his case and do my "ghetto" attitude on him ( i can be a bitch when someoen pushes my buttons). and then all of the sudden, a "cholo" voice came in and asked,

" hey girl, i was wondering if you were my long lost "ate." does your name, by any chance, starts with an "N?" (my real name starts with a N. my nick name is len). i have been trying to look for my "ate" from way back and i was just wondering if that was you."

huh?! *shocked* what the hell? i knew it was droops. i mean, he sounded like him. his distinct husky and rusty manner, anyone can mistake him to be hispanic. but i wanted to double check and make sure. so i asked him to tell me something about me that no one knew but me and him. so he answered,

"march 27, 1993, norton and olympic, ladee "J", "justizze, " "droops" i

and my reaction immediately was, "oh my gosh, is thsi you, ading?" and he responded it was him. it was REALLY HIM. he took my cell phone number and we talked. gosh. i can believe i am talking to droops. five freeking long years has passed?!!!!

so we caught up with each other's life. he told me he wasn't surprise i am successful because i have always been a fighter and a brainy. then he is now with MJ ( the girl he got pregnant 5 years ago). he pursued his decision to admit he was a father. he is 21 now and a lovign father to two kids (jaylan , the little baby who was the baby in MJ's womb, is now five and baby quinton, who is only two.). he is a security now, owns a house and paying mortgage, has a two cars, and a good son. no more drugs and gangs, no more drinking and partyng and getting high...just a full time provider to his kids. although, he is now married to MJ yet, they are living together.

i am completely blown away by all these information. imagine a low life loser like droops back then emerged into a responsible adult? my gosh, that is quite an accomplishment. and i am truly proud of him and the path he chose. people really do change. it's just a matter of time. it worked for me...why can;t it work for droops?

while there were a lot of things we need to cope up with, there was one particular portion of our coversationt that touched me. while i was telling him how life has been for me, droops interupted the conversation and said,

"ate, THANK YOU for believing in me. i made the decision i made because you made me think about my life. and whne veryone stopped believing in me, there was one person who believed in me and that was you. over the years, i looked for you but i didn;t know where else to look for you.i thought i would never speak to you again. but really, thank you."

i told him, it was nothing. and that i always believed in him anyway. and i will always be here for him whenever he needs me. and he assured me the same thing. i knew there were more coping up to do. and time was n't just enough. besides, he was calling me from his work. but we promised to keep in touch. oh yeah, and he mentioned also that his brother lives here in modesto. so when he comes down here, he will go visit me. that's a start.

oh yeah, before i ended our conversation, i ask droops one thing i never had the guts to ask before,

" droops, did you ever liked me back then?" and he simply answered, "yes, ate, i liked you so much but i didn't want to ruin the friendship. i can't manage to lose you. i was too scared to admit it. what about you? "

" ahhmm, yeah, but it was too risky. besides, i didn't want to lose you as a friend."

i just smiled. i am glad i found another missing person in my life. earlier this year, my Lord made me cross path with janice, another gang mate, my best friend after 7 years of absence. just now, my Lord, once again, took over this fate of my friendships with droops. truly, my Lord works in miraculous, unexpected ways.

my friendships with other people means a lot to me. they have been a huge part of me and i treasure each and every one of them. i ask nothing in return. i offer my generosity and kindness with an open arms and open heart. once you become a friend to me, i will always keep you in my heart. and i am especially blessed because my friends like droops, cares deeply for me, too. this is what time and distance to friendships, it makes it stronger and closer.

COGNIZANCE....means knowledge, awareness, acknowledgement. in the thesaurus, it states, "recollection, remmebrance...."

having friends like droops, gives me COGNIZANCE. i am acknowledged of my effort to believe in someone's ability to change and be someone and to assure true meaning of friendships, he made me consciously aware of my life, and his own future, too. COGNIZANCE ...because he took me back to my younger years. something i will always cherished and treasure like my friendship with them is precious and priceless. i kept a vivid recoolection and significant remembrance ....a jewelled COGNIZANCE of it in my heart and i will look back to it for the rest of my life.

ever thought about your own COGNIZANCE?

posted by pinay freestyle @ 9:33 PM

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