+++ MY SILENT REVERIES +++

UNSENT: PEACE?
Sunday, November 25, 2012

Dear Dimsum, Days ago, I prayed to our angel son to give us the peace we both need. You posted pictures of her. And I posted notes from my new guy. And I looked at your pictures. I'm guessing if you looked at mines too. Yesterday, two days after thanksgiving, you left me a message at my FB. And I responded back. I asked if we can talk peacefully for our son, and you agreed. Previously, you wanted a DNA from me. And I went about your wish. I contacted the hospital and the Coroner's office for our son's specimen because as we both know our son was cremated after he died. I rushed so I can grant your request. But yesterday, you said you just wanted a burial. And we'll discuss it this coming Thursday. Last night while at Visalia, visiting Tito Ding who had a brain surgery and Auntie Norma, all they asked was you. And I answered yes or no with their queries. If it was up to me, I'd rather not say anything. Last night, I thought of you. I thought of her. I thought of the guy I'm now with. And I asked if are we truly happy? But I asked our son in heaven to let us be at peace with each other. I prayed that God grant us the peace for our son's sake. I'm not sure if this it. Last night, before I slept in Visalia, I checked Your FB profile. You deleted me. I guess that is your way of Saying bye. Maybe that's the closure? Maybe that is moving on. Maybe that's our son doing what is best for us: be at peace even If we are separated. And I'll do it for him: anything for my son who want to rest in peace in heaven. Maybe for yOu too. Because I loved you that much. To set you free So you can be happy. And I hope and I pray that you are. God bless. Good luck. Love, Princess

Unsent: REWIND
Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Dear Dimsum, I saw your picture with her. Together. I came from church and went to my LA Hugh friend's wedding shower. And the moment I say you together and seeing you even in a picture broke me again and sent me to tears. You've grown your beard like the last time you came out. You've changed Physically from the last time I saw you. I last saw you the day before thanksgiving day last year when I came to bring Thanksgiving food for you and your family and when I discovered about her.lately, you said you wanted DNA to know if you're our sOn's father. I contacted the hospital and the coroners office to obtain any DNA Of our son who was cremated. I informed you of all these info. But have not heard from you yet. Truth is that pains me. But I'll do it for my son. I cried myself to sleep when I saw your pHoto with her. I tried to ignore the pain. But I am also human. And I hurt too. Maybe because it's a Reminder of why it's not us anymore. And my heart broke into pieces once again. Yet, I had to pick myself up and be strong no matter how much the twinge and torment I feel. I hope she makes you happy. ALG, the guy I'm sort of with now, is jealous of you. I don't know what we are. We're together in a weird way. But there are lots of things to be ironed out between him and I. Partially, I'm scared to love. Maybe I am not 100% ready. But I can feel he loved me nonetheless. I'm lost once again. I'm reminded Of you and our son. And as much as I tried to ignore, I do miss you and mostly our son. I ask God to empower me and enlighten ms Everyday. If it is up to me, I'm tired of crying also. I'm exhausted of being hurt. I ask for strength to overcome the struggles. I hope our issues get settled soon. I'm still waitingfor your call or notifications Re: DNA tests. I hope that will all make us move on no matter how much it hurts to go through this pain once again. On my end, I've already forgave you. That's the true Christian in me. No matter how much you've betrayed me or destroyed me, I want to forgive because thats the right thing to do. Like you, I only want closure too. I'm asking God to give me overcome the obstacles. I know He will lead me to the right oath.I know our little angel is always with us with his Aunt Vicky and our dogs Tobi and Ariel.until then I wish you luck and happiness. Love, Princess

THE VETERANS: The Tale of My Two Lolos / Grandparents
Monday, November 12, 2012

THE VETERANS: The Tale of my Two Lolos/Grandpas. They were soldiers. Both of my Lolos/grandparents served in the World War II under the American Army against Japan. Both had two different stories of the war. But both served and they served well. My paternal grandfather Mayor Adriano Lugod Dela Cruz as he is known and addressed to our town and many but simply, "Lolo Adring" to us his grandchildren was a Captain in the Philippine Constabulary. Yes, he was a amongst many Filipinos who represented the American Army. One of the manu who partook in World War II. But what's more remarkable was during the War, Lolo Adring being the kindhearted person he was, rescued and saved a Japanese soldier who has shot, kept him at the barn and healed him until his well. He then returned the army to his Japanese camp, risked his own life of being killed, but he did it anyway. Years later after the World War II scars healed and the war quieted down, that Japanese soldier returned to the Philippines searching for a certain "A. Dela Cruz." Hence, the soldier that saved his life. That soldier soon became the Mayor of a small-town in Gonohe, Japan. Ironically, my Lolo Adring also became the Mayor of our hometown for more than twenty five years. That Soldier was Mayor Yoshio Kawasaki and now, the Japanese sister town of my hometown in the Philippines. Even after Lolo Adring and Mayor Kawasaki passed, our ties remained. We exchanged students. We are now friends even with his grandchildren and we hang out even here in America and moreso in Japan. My Lolo Adring was everyone's father, brother, grandfather and friend. He taught us to not be drowned in his political power but instead blend in and be one with the crowd. Eat what poor eats; put our feet on the ground when with the rich and just be on their level. But above all, help in as much and as possible we can in any given circumstance. He always told us we represented him. We are a reflection of him. We have to take care of that name and legacy. It's never about the wealth nor the power but the humility and the kind service and dignity that mattered in life. That's the wisdom of a true blue KIND politician. My maternal grandfather, Private First Class Lorenzo Fajardo Larida (by the way, he is so humble and low key that he never claimed his rank nor wanted to be label as such. I found out when at eight years old that he was from the US Army because he doesn't want to boast) or as fondly called him, " Lolo Inzo/Apong Inzo in Ilocano." He came from a small town in La Union who migrated to the North and planted rice fields. He took pride in himself as an honest and hardworking farmer. But even more so, a loving husband, a doting father, and to me, an inspiring grandfather. But above all, a true servant of God. Couple years back, with my Mama Belen, we watched a documentary about World War II and the Discovery Channel featured a story about "The Fall of Bataan" and "The Death March." Bataan was a town that the American Army occupied but Japanese invaded and took over. They made the American soldiers including the Filipino Guerillas (where my Lolo was a part of) who we call now, "POW" or "Prisoners of War." The Death March or in Japanese " Batān Shi no Kōshin," was the imperial transfer of 128 kilometers (about 80 miles) walk of 15,000 American Army with the 60,000 Filipino Soldiers by the Japanese Soldier from Corregidor, Bataan all the way to Capaz, Tarlac in the North of what was known as Camp O'Donnel. It was said that close to 1,000 Americans and 10,000 Filipinos death toll occurrd during this rigorous and painstaking march. Not only did my Lolo Inzo fought for the American Army. He joined them in many of their struggles. My maternal grandfather was one of the many soldiers and prisoners of war who endured and survived this Death March. Yet, he lived. And he lived enough to tell this story. From a humble and poor farmer, he was reluctant to even get his benefits as an American soldier. Until later in life when his 8 children convinced him persistently that his benefits will helped them go to college, that was when he decided. Even then, he divided the earnings he got from his agricultural harvests and the small amount he got from serving the US Army into two: half would go to his children, and half would go to GOD, the church and His people. These made my Lola Ikang (my grandmother) furious. But my Lolo Inzo was stern on his faith in God. That was his way of thanking God for everything by sharing half of what he have to those who needed it. I've spent many summers reading the bible (must have read it 1,000 times now) in Ilocano during our nightly devotions as Lolo Inzo made me. During Harvest time, we would have an assembly line (just like when disaster strikes) where we would have bags of rice with canned goods and little loot bags of biscuits, cookies and candies (I was always on the candy assembly line) which we gave out separately to adults and children after the Sunday Service Mass at the Murong United Methodist Church. I am trying to be God's servant to be just half as great as my Lolo Inzo. I am nothing compared to his service to God. The things I do now are small acts compared to his giant heart. And yet, I am grateful to be influenced by such true and faithful servant of God. One that will inspire me and my family to be more of service and share what we have to the less fortunate. It's Veterans Day today and I am reminded of the heroic acts of valor of the extraordinary soldiers of my life. Yes, both of my grandpas served the United States Army. They were part of written history. They were VETERANS in every sense and essence of the word. But to me, they were VETERANS with a HEART because they went above and beyond their duties as soldiers. I missed them both. So happy VETERANS day Lolo Adring and Lolo Inzo! Here are my tightest hugs and my PROUDEST salute delivered to both of you in heaven.

UNSENT: I miss you sooo much ANGEL
Saturday, November 10, 2012

UNSENT Dear my angel son in heaven baby Simon Hung, I miss you. Yesterday, while cleaning my room, I opened the box of your ashes and I broke down, bawled and cried. I miss you so much my son. I hope you're doing fine in heaven. Mama can't stand the hurt. I fixed your new sanctuary inside the glades showcase that your dad, Papa Simon/Hung built for me when we were still together. I collected angels all these years and all through out my childhood. I never knew you, my son, would be the greatest sacrifice of all time. I was cleaning up yesterday and the some of the collections fell and had to pick it up. Weirdly, the neighbor's dog started howling so loudly. Even more strange, I was listening to the radio and a dedication was made for "Simon" whose had your name ( I named you after your Papa Hung; Simon was his American name). And I felt your presence my son. Are you trying to remind Mama you're here guiding me? My son...sorry, Mama broke down and cried in the middle of working and cleaning. I made you a new altar at the glass showcase with angel cherubims around you and all the memories and knickknacks that would remind you and me and your Papa (Some of them I hid for a long time. But had to bring out everything that reminded me of your Dad, Papa Simon...the Buddha, the frog with a coin, our pictures in a frame, the balloons, the stuff he built for me, your Papa's mom's Christmas gifts for me so you will never forget your Papa Hung. It was harder for Mama to think of the pain of losing you in my womb my son. I could have been the greatest mom if I knew you existed my son. But God had to take you back and who am I to question God who gave you to me? He created you my son and let me borrow you even for just a short time;( And until now, I received a text from your Father's new fling that you Papa changed his number because your Papa wants to get away from me. And I'm angered but I'll keep my silence my son. Because I am doing it for you anak KO. No matter would ever want their son to suffer. So I want to keep peace despite the distance for you my son. Mama is sad missing you and thinking of you my son. It's a struggle everyday. Like I told your Tito Allan, I am merely existing and living just for the people I love for your grandpa, grandma and your aunties, uncles and cousins . But if it is up to me, I just want to hold you in my arms and join you wherever you are. I'm soooooo sad, my son. Guide Mama always. Play with Tobi and Ariel ( I hanged their clothes on my wall) after I fixed your altar. I miss them too my son. How is your Auntie Vicky (Your Papa's sister)? I hope you're all happy in heaven. If your Papa's new partner is really pregnant, her name is Tita Angela Garcia, take great care of your new baby siblings and look after them. At the end of the day, all Mama wants is the happiness of your Papa. Keep Papa's mom and dad and his other brothers and sisters and your twin cousins and cousin Andy and your Papa's family healthy. Look after them with your Papa's sister auntie Vicky. Guide and take care of my family too my son. Always stay with them. Though you did not have the chance to meet them, they love you as much as I loved you. Let me know also that your Tito "HABIBI" is the one. Mama is confuse and unsure if he is the one. But keep Mama strong and guided okay my son. Just lit your candle and played hour lullaby. I cried again. I missed you. Sorry if I do. I'm sorry it kills me. But I know you're always here with me. Stay with me always my son . Along with God, lead me my heart and my soul to the right direction. I'll end it here my baby love son. Until our next conversation. I love you sooooo much and I would give up everything just to hold you once again and have you in my arms all over again. I'll see you my son and Papa in my dreams. Love always and forever, Your Mama Len

For TOL (ALG)
Thursday, November 08, 2012

To TOL. I write better than i can ever express in person. Dear TOL, Maybe I'm just exhausted of fighting. Maybe it is easier for me to be nicer than to pretend to be mean. Maybe the Lord gives me instances to self-check. Maybe He provides me events to tell me that He is making me live because He has a greater purpose for me (Remember the accident?) Maybe because no matter how much I try to pretend, the heart just genuinely shows how it feels. Maybe that's the truth. Maybe everyone deserves a second chance at something. Maybe I have been a little too harsh...on you, on myself, on us. Maybe my Angel directed me to you. Maybe it can be "sweeter" this time around. Maybe I care a little too much. Maybe it's "you" (you played me that song "It might be You" days ago.) Maybe... Maybe because I don't know what tomorrow will bring. But or today, the sight of you, your avoidance of being seen on FaceTime while eating, your unexplainable stares but yours eyes tells me all what your lips can not say. Maybe we also deserve to be happy. Maybe we are "meant" for whatever weird reason. Maybe God is answering a few of our prayers. Maybe... Maybe because I'll never really know until God gives me the "answer" when I'm facing "him" with you. I don't know. I just know that I cared for you MORE THAN I SHOULD from the very first start. Only time can answer all my maybes. But THANK YOU and (sorry?) for everything. In pain now but I'll see you in my dreams. Love, BRUH.

I will search for the lost and bring back the strays. I will bind up the injured and strengthen the weak. But the sleek and strong, I will destroy. I will shephered the flock with justice. Ezekiel 34:17 So help me, GOD ;(

Wednesday, November 07, 2012

UNSENT: Dear my baby Angel son, Mommy had a difficult day today. I lit a candle for you yesterday. I even requested a prayer for you at the church for you to rest in peace. I wrote your name in their prayer request book. And really my son, I want you to rest in peace. I know you know mommy has been hurting. Today, mommy had obstacles to overcome. Mommy cried again. But Mommy is still breathing. And that is all that matters, anak ko (my child). As long as mommy is breathing, she will fight for her life for you. Even if the world is crumbling; even if the world is collapsing, as long as I take a breath, I will fight to survive. So help mommy. I told you yesterday I vowed to make you rest in peace. I want to prove your Papa Hung/Simon wrong. But I want you to have peace that your Papa and I get along. And so I'm keeping my quiet for you my son. Just be there my son. Keep mommy strong. Guide me. I love you anak KO. I miss you everyday. Love, Mama Len 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

Thursday, November 01, 2012

I miss you soooo much, my son in heaven. Mama is crying right now again. Sorry, I can't help it. Mama is hurting. Stay with me my son. Hug momma tight. Mama is having a difficult time. Mama wants to be with you and take care of you. Mama is trying to be strong for you, anak ko. Even if I'm torn. Even if I'm broken. I'm living for you, my son. I'm existing one day at a time. Pray for me always. Guide me always. I love you. There was not a single second of the day when I didn't think of you.