posted by pinay freestyle @ 2:15 AM [[ 0 comments ]]

---

UNSENT: thuggish heart

dear 'hey boy' RP,

i could not sleep last night after we hung the phone. in my heart, there were a lot of things i wanted to tell you. my heart was screaming to tell you, 'hey boy, i missed you.' but words could not come out of my mouth as i desired. perhaps, because i felt it was too soon and i am assumming it is too real.

strangely, when you noticed i was coming on with a cough ( as i was coughing like a dog ont he other line), you asked if i was sick. and uttered, "you should learn how to have self control. that sometimes, when your body states 'it can no longer move on' you should listen to it." more and more, here i am, the medical specialist listening to someone who knew nothing about medicine and he is advising me to take care of my own body.

there, i realized, you do care for me...more than i thought anyway. you asked how my family is doing, how my sisblings in PI are doing, even askign about my extended family in modesto. funny before i met you, how i have always pictured you "thuggish and arrogant". but behind that image that people perceived of you lies such a soft heart waiting to be embrace.

even odd, i could not sleep tonight because i miss your thuggish heart: the one that reminds to not drink more than i can handle, the one that listens to enya (secretly), the one who goes to church because it makes his mom happy, the one who dreams and work hard to give his mom everything.

eh.

i can't wait to see you soon and be in your arms....i miss you more than you will ever know ( for now anyway).

see you soon ...forty days to go!

<3lots,
'hey girl'

posted by pinay freestyle @ 11:37 PM [[ 0 comments ]]

---

open arms

{THIS IS AN ENTRY FOR SOMEONE SPECIAL IN MY LIFE *R*P* who once taught me how to love and to let go and how to forgive and to become great friends again because after all we've made enermous great experiences together than the not so great ones. thanks for teaching me how to act like a proper korean, for introducing me to the warmth of korean culture, for getting me addicted to korean telenovelas as well as embracing my own filipino morals and traditions as your own, and always clapping behind me no matter what disagreements we go through. i am looking forward to see you on summer like we spent our summer times together. happy birthday RP.나는 나가 너를 놓치는 너를 사랑한다 나의 팔으로너를kacikoiss기 위하여 나는 나를 사랑하기를위해 감사한다 너를 그때 그리고 지금 기다리고 yesterday, now and always. )

before,somehow, when conversations amongst our friends mentioned of your name, i felt strange. and when someone asked me if i knew you, i remain tongue-tied and idle. i did not want to discuss you nor inted to dig our pasts. and so, without the long explanation why you were gone, i looked to where they were waiting for an answer, and then i said softly, "once, i thought...i did."

ironically, when they asked me about the things i learned from your food and culture, i answer it with so much pride and wisdom. and i realize, you taught me so much. the often i turned my back from remembering you, i look away and i thought of all the times we had together. we shared so much laughters. we shed tears. and there are jokes and tons more in between: both expected and unexpected.

many times in my life, i prayed for our perfect ending. i wanted a perfect ending...but growing up and maturing, i've learned the hard way, that some poems do not rhyme, and some stories do not consist of clear beginning, middle and an end. i realized life is all about not knowing, having to change, and making the best of it all, without knowing what is going to happen next.

in the past, i've pushed away close people like you in my life. i've created emotional barriers to stop you or them from going back and barging into my gated self. and yet, your marked memories - the spectacular moments - spent with you bounces back into my mind and although i never admitted it, i gradually miss them.

you once told me, "we don't have to hold on to the pain and instead, hold on to the memory." that sometimes, no matter how much faith we have, we end up losing people. but it does not mean, we have to comepletely erase them in our lives. we have to never forget them. certainly, you reminded me that most fo the times, those memories are the ones that gives us strength to go on.

sometimes, we take forgranted the people in our lives that meant so much ( even though things did not work out then when we wanted it to). and when we realize that, sometimes, it can be too late.

but today is different. i've learned that today that we have to take advantage of every we minute we have. we have to cherish and hold on to that every second moment. i've learned to embrace everything, have no regrets and never forget those that made you who you are.

and so i welcome you back in to my life with open arms ---because you toughened me up and made and inspired me to be who i am today. even stronger and better than before.

posted by pinay freestyle @ 11:17 PM [[ 0 comments ]]

---

S O M E D A Y

ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation. isn't it funny how one person can walk into our life and right at that moment we think that they are the one? isn't it strange how after all the tears, and the hurt and the pain we still think that they are the one? isn't it funny how no matter what this person does to us or say to us, in our heart we still feel that they are the one?


seriously, i still asked myself, why is that? why do we make fools out of ourselves in the hope that they will love us back like they did. when i was younger, i took the blame by heart. and then the heartache became too much to handle that i finally realized the saddest thing in the world, is loving someone who used to love you. i came to my senses that i have to love me first then love him.


and so as difficult as it was i thought of the right time: that it was time for me to keep on walking and not look back.(that's what i told myself anyway upon walking away). i certainly tried to convince myself, maybe it just wasn't our time to shine..to be inlove. i decided that i could no longer wait forever for him to make up his mind whether he wanted me there or not. he had the entire world standing right in front of him (ME) and yet, he chose to look the other way.


of course... it hurts, i never denied that, but time was my healer( and i am healed but the scars remained) i came at peace at the realization that he turned out to be someone that i should not want to be with. in fairness though, he had so much potential to be so much more than he is now...but bleh - no more excuses of those "what-if-we-ended-up-together" days.


and know what? i am just grateful. thank God, i am too strong minded i was able to tell him then it was not okay that he hurt me. strangle, but i am doing fine. i deserved more, i deserved someone better and greater than what he was. and i know that now.


and maybe he knew that, too. and he realized that inside. perhaps, he knew that could not give me "the better him" yet. so, with his own silence of not saying goodbye ( i said good bye to him first and i never heard from him again), he must have meant he set me free.


we would have been so great. he would have never wished for more than i would have given him. but he was too scared to give it a chance. so now, i guess, he will never know what it could have been.maybe now, he regrets it. or maybe someday, he will think it was the best decision he has ever made.


but maybe someday he will see me walking, smiling and happy, along side someone who is also smiling and happy because he has my heart. maybe then he will stop and he will realize what he was missing. i certainly hope that someday wil come.


what i know for sure is, someday, someone is going to thank him for letting me go. in these game of in love and losing love, i have only learned one thing: i would rather forgive and forget (whatever it is), than just relive and regret.

posted by pinay freestyle @ 8:47 PM [[ 0 comments ]]

---

SPIRITUAL REVERIES: BUMPS AND BRUISES

life is full of bumps and bruises. it's what you learn from it and what you do with it that makes you who you are.i was reading this article in Glamour magazine and it was about these five women who overcame deadly situations and got on with their lives.

these women went through a double lung transplant, an open heart surgery and then gave birth to twins, a cancer survivor, a deadly bacterial infection, and one of the women, who was still a teenager , survived knife wounds that most people would not survive.

reviewing this article got me thinking about how people go about their lives. surely enough, ife is not a smooth ride. some people, when they hit a bump, give up and turn around while others find ways to go over the bump or around the bump. i certainly believe that everyone should do the latter and be like these five women and find ways to get around these bumps.

so when you reach a bump on the road called life, don't give up because you're not the only person to ever reach that particular bump and you're not the last. be an example for your followers.

posted by pinay freestyle @ 2:15 AM [[ 0 comments ]]

---

POP QUIZ

during my second month of nursing school, our professor gave us a pop quiz. i was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until i read the last one: "what is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"

surely, this was some kind of joke. i mean, i had seen the cleaning woman several times. i could vividly remember, she was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, and of hispanic decent. but how in the world would I know her name? i hardly even talk to her. i give her a polite nod here and there but we never really spoke. i handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank.

just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.

"absolutely," said the professor. "in your careers, you will meet many people. all are significant. they deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say 'hello'."

i've never forgotten that lesson. i also learned her name was Dorothy.

posted by pinay freestyle @ 2:07 AM [[ 0 comments ]]

---

ELITES

i recently got connected with my crazy and beloved boys and gals of jefrox. and how long has it been? i can't even fathom to enlist all the things i have learned and cherished from these special people in my life. i will not go into details. our unforgettable memories and courageous animosity will speak for itself.

but despite of the rough paths of life we chose then, we were definitely capable individuals to be whoever we want to be. browsin' though pages of their friendsters and myspaces, it's funny how we still conceal the 'real' us. only 'us' knew the 'real us.' behind all the judgements and the weird stares of other people, we stand strong.

we are NOT the tattoos that marked us. we are NOT the troubles that we battled. we are NOT the hotties parties we threw. nor the enermous money we made.

we are the street smarts nerds of maplewood. we are the backbone that gave strength to that body. we are the lost individuals then who found our selves enough to stand alone and mark our own grounds.

and we've come back. with a greater revenge to those people who taught we could not make it successful in these world. we were what we were then. artists, doctors, nurses, lawyers, marines, brokers, financial analysts...name it...these are what we are today.

. no matter what lies ahead of us, despite the distance that envelope us, despite the rewinds of our pasts, i know we will make difference in our own little ways. and so..i stand proud as a sister who saw the difficult growth we endured. i stand proud to be one of you.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NOTE: i was touched by the ABOUT ME/THANK YOU'stestimony of one of my homeboys. i will hold off on his name. but let me share it with you.

WHO AM I:
Homegrown in Los Angeles, California within the boundaries of Hollywood/Koreatown.
Known as *****on the streetz, ***** on a mic, and ******(union) puts it all into one.
A product of various woods from Hollywood, to Maplewood, wit a little bit a Westwood on top.
A Revolutionary in every way, seeking social justice and change.
Always in need of evolving and developing into what I believe,
my purpose here on Earth is.
Expressing my thoughts is a real passion in life;
while using writing as the paint brush,
Hip Hop as the canvas,
and the world as my museum...I am an artist.
A descendant of Korean roots,
raised in the streets of Los Angeles.
A native Angelino,
bangin in a war
with Racism,
Social Conspiracies,
and Street Politics.
A social activist,
tryna convert modern day racism to multi-culturalism
within the fabric of our American society.
The battle goes along.

THANK YOU's
God for giving me all my struggles in life,
for me to grow and build character from it.
Also, for teachin me how to get back on my feet,
after wrestling every addiction known on the streets;
only to come outta that shit with a new perspective
to view this crazy world with.
And last but not least,
the struggle of my momz within the immigration of coming to America.

posted by pinay freestyle @ 10:04 PM [[ 0 comments ]]

---

UNSENT: summer times

dear RP,

six summers ago, i fell in love with you.
you oftened called me,'hey girl' and i simply called you, my 'hey boy'
you even told your mom i was the girl you were going to marry
and i quickly hesitated!
you introduced me to korean food (including kimchi)
and made me addicted to korean telenovelas.
you used to put money in my bank during my college days without me knowing.
i used to cry to you all the time and you just listened to me.
at the peak of our romance,
you just disappeared like a bubble.
i waited for you that thanksgiving day like we talked about
but you never showed your face again.
i cried on my way back up north.

a year later, you tried to come back to my life.
you wanted it to be the same.
i wanted you to apologize for what you did.
you explained to me what happened.
perhaps, i understood...
but i was scared to even let you in my life again.

summer of 2005.
you were sitting in my car right next to me.
i swear, i was looking at you from my rear view mirror.
i wanted to hug you but it wasn't right.
you were my friend then...
we're ONLY friends.
before i parted with you that day,
you kissed me like you never kissed me before.
and yes, i might have enjoyed it.
i know, i still had feelings for you.
but it was too late.
i was with someone new then.
it was the last time i saw you.

now, we're talking again.
it feels strange that we've grown so close together again.
i've always felt comfortable telling you everything because you knew so much about me.
i still enjoy listening to your laughters...
i still find your arrogance charming...
sometimes, i wanted to say, ' i miss you'
but i know in my heart it is not the right time.
we're great friends now.
at least, for me, i felt we are so much better now.
i don't know how you view me.
i do feel that you care so much for me.

in about three months, i will see you again.
i can't believe i'll see you in the summer again,
just like we used to back in the days.
i wonder how things will be?
will we go further again?
i'm not sure.

but one thing's for sure,
i can't wait to see you
and welcome you back into my life,
my ex lover, now...my friend.

see you soon.

<3,
'hey girl'

posted by pinay freestyle @ 2:33 AM [[ 0 comments ]]

---