Monday, April 28, 2003
i remember my mom telling a story back in kindergarten about how mommy birds feeds their newborns. the mommy bird protects her birds until it hatches. then when they were born, she looks for food for her little birdies and feeds these worms in their mouth until they are full. but when when she is teaching them how to fly, she sends them in the air individually without her help. this way, they can develop independence. so they can fly away and survive.
my parents have been wonderful. while my mother was the strictly religious and concservative disciplinarian, my father was the lenient, cool papa. it was a such a weird contrast. but i am what i am now because of their odd combination. from mama, i learned focus and strength and the need to have a spirituality. from papa, i got sense of humor and generosity and love for others. these have became my roots. my parents planted the seed of sharing blessings to the less fortunate, the spiritual belonging, the importance of laughter, the will to rise above difficult situations and be even stronger during these moments and the self determiniation to succeed.
my father gave me independence long time ago. when i was kid, i would always explain my dilemma to my dad and he would always make me answer my own questions with
" what do you think you should do?" he always encouraged me to
"follow my heart." at nine, i had my won bank account and i manage all the expenses at the household. even now that i am an adult, my dad just stood one step behind me and supported my dreams.
mom, howvever, is having a difficult time giving me wings. my older sis got married early and mom feels i am follwing her path so she is very very strict. i understood that. she is very scared. and i would be , too if i was on her position. most of the time, she still interferes with my decisions. she treats me like a 10 year old who cannot decide for myself. i have to remind her sometimes that i am grown now.
for a quick moment, i contemplated about my life. i am an adult now. the roots that my parents planted in me when i was young has now bossomed and spread her branches. the new born birdie is learnign how to fly. papa gave me half of my wings. mom is still assisting me on the other one. but someday, i will fly away on my own. someday, my parents will be that momma bird who let her baby bird fly by themselves. almost but not now.
i heard this qoute whiel watching a television special yesterday.
"the 2 most important things you can give your children are roots and wings," i am just thankful my parents gave me both. thank you mom and pop.
TITLE: wings and roots
Tuesday, April 22, 2003
DISCOVER ME
I see: glares.
I need: to go get cough medicine. ate norlits said i am coughing like a dog barfing.
I find: that I don’t want to answer this one
I want: to go to Hawaii for vacation SOON!
I have: a soar and itchy thoat with an irritating cough and a stomach ache.
I wish: i find mr. right...the good looking and faithful one.
I love: (d) "him." I love the rain,t oo.
I hate: the sunglares on my eyes.
I miss: Las Vegas and Maffi and Alyssa
I fear: nothing.
I feel: sick .
I hear:Ariel's (my shitzu) dog tag swayung from side to side.
I smell: LA's ( my brother) fresh baked brownies just out from the oven.
I crave: "chap-che" --- korean noodles.
I search: for a peace of mind...the need to be loved.
I wonder: if anyone is actually reading this. I wonder if "he's" thinking of me.
I regret: loving without any boundaries....it hurts more.
When was the last time you..
Smiled?: when i told maffi about jayson today.
Laughed?: when i was with jay last night and he laughed at how i ordered "bibimbab" from the korean restaurant. ( he said i pronounced it so funny like
"~bee~beam~bop"
Cried?: last week when i wrote the card for maffi.
Bought something?: five minutes ago...i bought clothes and clothes and shoes and shoes. i was hiding it from my mom!!!!
Danced?: on my way home...in the car, i was swaying through the music in LA traffic.
Were sarcastic?: I don’t know. I’m rarely sarcastic.
Kissed someone?: last one was AB.
Talked to an ex?: mikee---from jersey.
Watched your favorite movie?: two months ago, i watched "up close and personal" but hal way through the movie, i stopped. it reminds me of ron.
Had a nightmare?: rarely.
What was the ...
Last book you read?: In Full Bloom by caroline hwang
Last movie you saw?: A Man Apart
Last thing you had to drink?: water
Last time you showered?: this morning
Last thing you ate?: one slice of chicken teriyaki.
Do you..
Smoke?: nope
Do drugs?: nope
Have sex?: not at the moment...the docotr asked me if i was sexually active, i answered the same thing. LOL
Sleep with stuffed animals?: yes, unless i'm with ______.
Live in the moment?: most of the time. i have dweeling on my past and the future is too soon to think about.
Have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: in the middle of choosing.
Have a dream that keeps coming back?: yeah...and it's usually a premonition of some sort.
Play an instrument?: the piano and organ.
Remember your first love?: jayson c.
Still love him/her?: he'll always be special.
Read the newspaper?: online yes.
Have any gay or lesbian friends?: yes, many actually.
Believe in miracles?: yes.
Believe its possible to remain faithful forever?: yes, if the peroson chose too.
Consider yourself tolerant of others?: i think that's a part of my job.
Consider love a mistake?: sometimes....after i made a fool out of myself.
Like the taste of alcohol?: yeah. sex on the beach, baby!
Have a favorite candy?: sour skittles.
Believe in astrology?: NO. they are evry entertainign though.
Believe in magic?: yes.
Believe in God?: yes
Pray?: yes
Go to church?: yes
Have any secrets?: who doesn't?
Have any pets?: 2 dogs, one 4 month old shitzu ---Ariel and one poodle==Maxi
Go to or plan to go to college?: yes
Talk to strangers who instant message you?: never.
Wear hats?: only beanies when its cold outside or bad hair day.
Have any piercings?: yes
Have any tattoos?:i used to. gone now.
Hate yourself?: when i tolerate making a fool out my self.
Have an obsession?: shoes.!!!!!
Collect anything?: sentimental things ...that were given to me, ralph lauren bags!
Have a best friend?: maffi.
Wish on stars?: yes....always
Like your handwriting?: yes
Have any bad habits?: cleanign ym nails!!!
Care about looks?: yeah kind of. i have to look clean...and decent.
Believe in witches?: bitches, yeah wirches no.
Believe in ghosts?: yeah.
Sunday, April 20, 2003
signs and symptoms
"you always do this to yourself," maffi reminded me the other day while i was telling her about my escapade with men the past few months. there's
ab who i have been seeing since january and has not told me anyhtign about what he really feels for me and yet, he constantly bugs me about my feelings for ron. then there's this guy i constantly call "
kuya tony" who everybody thinks i am with since i am always physically seen with him. there's MARK whom i went out this week ---he was fun to be with. then there's jay, whom i just started hanging around with three weeks ago and we are clicking closer than ever.
i am losing my patience with ab because he is too slow in telling me how he feels. and kuya is purely just a friend to me. mark is just a fun fella to kick it with . but jay, he is so much more like me. i hate to say this but he reminds me so much of ron besides being both korean. and then when i told maffi about how he gives me the "thrill." and then i added that i will be avoiding him.
maff questioned why i always do this to myself. she said that she noticed that eversince high school that when i start to like anyone, i do not tell them what i feel and i chicken out. and i am doing it again now with jay. i told maff that jay does not knwo anything about me exceot i sued to be from jefrox and that i am a nurse. otherwise, it is killing him that i know so much about his culture even his language. and i am scared to share one pinch of me to him.
truth is, i could not tell maff that i have not changed since high school. i am still chicken at this thing called love. i am so afraid to love again after what had happened on the last one. and since, i am feeling the "
i-like-symptoms" from jay, i am starting to dwell on my past experiences and i am being to develop the "
i-have-to-avoid-this guy" symptoms again. i do not know what lies ahead. i i only know i am scared. one thing i know for sure is...time will come when i will be ready to love. who knows this might be the start? what i wanted to tell maff was i am still coping that is why i am avoiding the men getting attracted to me. but it will take baby steps until i let someone conquer my heart again. for now, i am just letting the symptoms kick in.
revive
it felt like sunday school all over again. i remembered when i was a little girl how my mother dragged me to go to church so early so i can go to the sunday school where i learned the praise songs and we explored the meaning behind the verses of the bible. i can probably recall most of the bible verses because the deaconess ( our version of "nuns" in methodist faith) made me recite a new one each and every sunday. the only thing that was different was that the bible verses mean so much to me now than when i was a kid.
it was easter sunday today and my mom asked me to attend the service at the methodist church. it has been a while since i went to a methodist service ( my father is catholic and my mother is methodist---i practice both faith). it brought me back so many childhood memories. like today, i watched my mom sang with the choir like i used to. as usual, she sang louder than the rest of the choir and invited other members to join the next choir practice. i watched my dad watch my mom sing in amazement. he has always been my mom's biggets fan. and my brothers and i sat right next to each other while the pastor gave the sermon.
but this time, it was different. gone were the days when my siblings and i pretended to listen to the pastor's sermon and get on each other's nerves ( we always did that). today, we actually listened. the pastor talked about "reaction to His resurrection" referring to Christ. i believe that there is someone called our savior. it might be different from different religion and i respect that. but there is someone we confer our spirituality to. and today, i felt that i conferred my sipritual bond with that savior once again. in the christian faith, it is Jesus Christ: the one who suffered, died for our sins, and today, at easter, he rose again.
like his resurrection, i am also reviving my spirit. the sermon discussed about easter being a new beginning for christians. this meant coming out clean, repenting the sins committed, and going back to Him as he resurrected. i want to engage my self to actually begin again. as a stat, i sent ron a sorry and thank you card this week and actually offered a friendship. i told him i have forgiven him for everything. i think it is time to let the pain go, come clean and start a new. he has not responded but at least, on my part, the burden is getting lighter. and to HIm, i poured out the emotional roller coaster that has been bothering me all these times. and i can honestly say, i feel a lot better.
sometimes it takes little moments to get the courage to start again. every year, i go to this cycle. sometimes it is the beginning of the year, or christmas time. but this year, it is easter. i have not had the will to hope because my soul was tranishedly torn into debris. when i sang this him today ( i used to sing it when i was young) it stated, "let the pain go and think about a new tomorrow." i realized how selfish i was to succomb my problems inside when i can let it out in my silent cries and prayers.
sometimes, people and events push your emotional and spiritual self to the ground. and as always, the most difficult part is getting up on your feet. i have been experiencing that since the approach of 2003. i realized, yes, perhaps, i met my spiritual self again. and that there is a savior, and perhaps He was talking to me today because through the sermon, my crying heart heard HIM. perhaps, today, he reminded me that it was okay to cry and it was okay to let go. but above all, it was okay to start again.
happy easter everyone!
Saturday, April 19, 2003
uncontrolled
i miss that feeling.
that feeling...
that feeling when he called you just to say
he missed you. that feeling when he struggled and stuttered as he said
he loved you for the first time. that feeling when he claimed he had butterfly in his stomach because
"you take his breath away." that feeling when he told you that you
"gave him hope." that feeling when you kissed and made up. that feeling when he admitted it was his fault. that feeling when he expressed that he cannot live without you.
*sigh*
i miss that feeling.
gosh.
i miss him.
Sunday, April 13, 2003
beyond boundaries
i send a package for maffi and alyssa last week. it contained a gold necklace for my bestfriend and a bunch of goodies for alyssa. in that package, i made a slumbook of my bestfriend's life which i made personally. it included moments in high school, our escapades, our pictures, our secrets, the men in our life. yesterday, she called me at work and she thanked me. i opened my email today and she also wrote a thank you letter for me. she said she cried while browsing through the pages.
maffi and i went through a lot. our emotional rollercoaster rides we encountered seemed unbearable at the times it occured. our live's trials were overpouring and multiplying. but it was during these moments that we gave imporatance to our friendship. it was these challenging times that made us closer. it was during these incidents when we clenched ot each other. to her, i poured my tears and she defended me all the way. in me, she confided her innermost and best kept secrets. we spent endless hours watching filipino movies at her house. other times, we spent the whole day and night chatting and telling stories about our entire lives and more.
together, we explored and enhanced our spirituality during BANAL NA PAG-AARAL ( holy studies). we acquired leadership roles during leadership class in high school. we flirted with our ex boyfriends in Homecoming , Sweethearts Ball, and Prom dances. we learned over the years that we were Englishly inclined and we were averagely smart in mathematics and arithmetic (and oh, I hated that teacher in high school -ms. habibian). her family embraced me with open arms and my family became her extended family. i witnessed her first neartbreak and how she rebelled from it and she saw how martyr i was to my exboyfriends. i saw her fall and get up. she stood by me when i was down. she was one person whom i knew will believe in me no matter what i do. and i hope she knows i will be here for her no matter what.
my friendship with maff is irreplaceable. i am now a nurse and still planning to go to medical school in the folowwing year. maffi is a paraegal now and is venturing out to law school and eventually become a lawyer. although i am in california, and she is settled now in nevada, and although we do not talk as much, we have stabilized our friendship that no wall can break our bond. this is the story of me, len and my bestfriend, maffi. it just calls to show that friendships are beyond boundaries once you have established a foundation.
NOTE: thank you, maff for keeping our friendship alive. looking froward for more!
conceal ME
"don't say anything," this has been my slogan for the whole month. i succumbed myself in my shell. there were things i kept to myself. i mean nobody knew these things. that is unlikely of me. i usually babble my thoughts. but for once, i wanted to just not share my lingerings.
for instance, in the past few days although there were enermous times when i wanted to call ron and say hello, i decided not to. i dialed his number several times and right when i was about to press the last digit of his telephone number, i hung up the phone. it was necessary. i had to refrain myself from doing that. a guy friend of mien said that i was fighting for my principle when i broke it off with ron and for me to call him again, he will probably think that i
"want" him again. he even added, it is stating that i am giving up on my own battle.
another incident was when i am with AB ( yes, i have been
"hanging" with him on and off for four months now) he kept asking me (he asked me every time i see him ) if "
i still talk to ron" or
"do i still like or love ron?," i never responded. instead, i changed the subject. sometimes, i would interrogate him why he wants to know my status with ron and he would just respond incoherent and out of this world answers. i know he wonders what i feel for ron. does he want to make sure i am over ron? or it this his way of shielding himself from being hurt? he wants to make sure i am over ron? as much as i wanted to answer his questions about my ex, i once again shut my mouth and dare nto say anything.
then this week, i met a korean guy ( my type of men....heheh j/k). he seemed familiar but i did not know where i met him. i did not really open up. all he knew is that i am filipino, i am a nurse by profession, a full time college student and i have a new car. but he rambled about his life. he told me where he lived ( he lives on the next block eats of my house ---sssh, he doesn't know), he mentioned he used to be from a gang named: JEFROX (i used to be in the same gang...back in the days---that's why he looked familiar! maybe i saw him there---ssshh, he does not know thsi either), he goes to UC Riverside and he told me about his life story. he asked me if i gone out with a korean guy before ( if he only knew my history with ron) and i responded,
"why does it matter?" i was not ready to tell him about my life and my past yet. he seems interested to get to know me. maybe i will walk my dog in his street one of these days.
sometimes, it is best to keep quiet. sometimes, if you are not ready, the only best response is silence. i have learned that there are things that were worth revealing but i also believe that there are things that are best or better unsaid. my broken relationship with ron, AB's constant questions, and my animosity with this korean guy are just examples. someday, i will be ready. but for now, i want to be in discreet.
