Tuesday, February 26, 2002
"boba-fied"
i know, i know, i blog too much. but i just wanted to say this...
just one last thing.
wanna know how much my siblings love me?
my brothers long and LA got me a honeydew flavored (it's color green)
boba ( it's like the starbucks' frappucino with an asian twist) from
bobadelight.
30 minutes after, my younger sister kring got me ANOTHER boba, now she got me the taro flavored and purple colored one from
boba-loca.
now, i'm so hyped up.
boba-fied....
were they really nice or were they trying to get me off my addiction to starbucks'
caramel frap?
well, it doesn't matter. thank you brah and sistah.
thank you...
i was
uc riverside today to visit my cousin ate ral. and we went to
ontario mills and we chitchatted and had
starbucks.
ate ral is leaving soon to go home to philippines. i'll miss her. but thank you, ate ral for the peptalks and for the sisterly advices. i really appreciate it.
Saturday, February 23, 2002
happy birhtday, maffi!
me love yah!
sign?
i was with AB couple days ago. i think i'm beginning to like him. or do i really care for him because he is going through hard times? but whatever i feel for him right now, i really need to set my feelings aside because what he needs right now is someone he can count on. and i am more than willing to offer him that. but humbly, i seriously sense that he is grateful for that.
but there was an incident that AB and i have been discussing continously this week. at first, he asked me questions about my family such as,
"is______ your mom's name?," "your mom's a nurse right?," i already sensed that the question had to do with my mother. " and then,
"did you converted your back garage into a fully furnished one bedroom and all the amenities guesthouse?". how did he knew that? i've never told anyone. well, only familiar relatives and really close friends who had seen the guesthouse.
and then he blurted,
"guess what? this is a trip! my mother worked with your mother at __________!" huh? hold up, rewind for a minute. flabbergasted and in shock, did he just mentioned that our mothers worked together at the same hospital. i couldn't believe this! oh my gosh. i mentioned on the previous blogs that AB and his mom were evicted of their old pad and is currently looking for a place to stay. and that is also the reason why AB and i are spending more time together. apparently, his mom told my mom about their housing problem and my mother offered our newly built guestroom in the back for them.
yes. AB and i were panicking. we enumerated and attested the advantages and the disadvatages of this situation. well, we can get to see each other more often. after all, if ever, he will be my neighbor. hahahah. on the other hand, i told him that i really do not really think it is a good idea that he lives right behind our house because he onyl has to choices : either i 'll like him or i'll get sick and tired of him. to add to that, our moms doesn't know we knew each other. and so we'd have to pretend we were complete starngers if ever we were introduced. well, we were trying to find ways to discourage his mom to not get house at the back. we came uo with excuses like, "
it's too far from your job or his school" ( although, it's actually convenient), "
she has a daughter whose "bad influence." (referring to me...hahah ), "
it's double the expense" ( it's cheaper!!!). well, to cut it short, we have not came up to any good excuses.
i have not talk to AB recently. i have been bombarded with works at school. i still dont know if they had decided to live behind us or not.
i have been questioning my romantic links with guys lately. i prayed to my Lord whoever it will be, just give me a hint...well, more like a sign. this incident with AB's mom knowing my mom...was that a sign? or was it purely a coincidence?
so i asked for more signs.
i was just washing my filthy linens and my dirty laundry. i think my mother washed her uniforms before me so i was cleaning up the washing machine and i found this paper washed and almost torn apart. it was for my mom. and it read c______ b______ and then a familiar cell phone number. it has the same last name as AB. it was AB's mom and their cell phone number.
i asked for a sign? is this it?
why are the signs leading me to AB?
weird. because he has been in my thoughts.
am i in his thoughts?
Monday, February 18, 2002
frap addict
friday
i want starbucks.
saturday
i had a late night caramel frap at starbucks.
sunday
i'm craving for starbucks.
today ( now..monday)
me:
waaah! i need starbucks.
to my brother:
can you get me starbucks?
my brother LA:
no more! you need a starbucks patch. you're addicted!
lol.
i'll keep this short and simple.
"for listening attentively to me,
for cheering me up,
for making me understand things i am too stubborn to realise,
for keeping warm under your comforting arms,
for hugging me and reminding me everything will be okay, '
for the smile i am wearing now....
thanks, AB. for a wonderful evening...and morning?"
*smiles*
see you soon.
Saturday, February 16, 2002
daughter's desire
so often, you seize for my mistakes in the past,
and criticise me precisely for the little negativities i make,
that you overlook my accomplished goals and grand achievements
which were the things i work so hard for
... just to please you.
...just to make you proud.
mom,
all my life, i endeavored to be someone.
and I AM someone.
perhaps, in couple of months,
i will be
better,
smarter,
and more successful than i am now.
but in your eyes, these are never enough.
there's always something you have to pinpoint.
the way i chew my food, the way i wear my pants,
how i prounounce a certain word..was it the right grammar?
how can i fix my tarnished esteem and damaged soul
that's been repetitively torn and destroyed into little crumbly debris?
when each and every time i struggle and attempt
to restore each of the decapitated particle of my shattered portions,
you dismantle me even more with negative emotions, and "put-me-down" lectures,
you quence me into what it seemed to be like powdery, porous fragments,
almost too microscopicly visible specks,
too refine, too impalpable, too delicate,
too loose to hold intactly together.
it's so difficult and firstarting
because any ticking second the strength i have invested in me
will collapse with just one blow of criticism from you.
mom...
all my life,
i never asked for anything more than i have,
but for once,
i wished to hear one thing from you,
just for me to see you with your head up high
just for you to say it proudly,
just one phrase...
even just once...
"ah. yes. she's my daughter."
Wednesday, February 13, 2002
shrug away
in approximately three hours and 10 minutes, i am in for a new challenge: i am shrugging away the dramas, blues and whatsoever else of valentines day.
so i'm counting the hours...
tomorrow, valentines day does not exist. it will just be a normal day. and i'll just go on my daily normal routine. i promise i won't go to any card or candy stores nor pass by a flower shop or go near "lovey-dovey" couples.
tomorrow, i will not envy any couple i will see. i will be a happy single camper just as they are. i'll indulge myself in a pampering spa or massage, eat my favorite ice cream, sing on top my lungs, act like an idiot infront of my friends, and i will wear an ear-to-ear smile on my face.
really. i promise.
as for the curse of valentines day...
as soon as the clock strikes at 12 midnight, i'll wave my magic wand and...
"hokus pokus, ab~ ra ~ ka ~dab~ ra!!! valentines day blues go away! "
i'll just blink away.
in 24 hours, i should be opening my eyes again and i should be in my normal self again.
advance happy hearts day everyone. hope you all have a sweet one. even for single people like me.
Monday, February 11, 2002
operation: sneak in, sleep in and sneak out.
***note: for the confidential purposes, i changed the names of the personas included on this blog to protect their identity and privacy. but these are real events and real characters.
while she was on the phone with her exboyfriend "randy" whose calling all the way from the 808 state, the phone rang.
"hi! you're back from up north? "
who in the world is this? he sounded familiar but she couldn't exactly pinpoint who he was.
"who's this?" she asked.
"it's me! you don't remember me? your ex!"
ex? who? she only had couple of exes. it's fairly countable. she was on the line with "randy." the rest are not even worth remembering. so she dug her brains out speculating who in the world was calling and claiming to be one of her ex.
" it's me, "ab." (more info on AB: here) i was just kidding. is it possible to talk to you even for a minute? i really need your help."
gosh. how long has it been? she remembered him vividly. her summer fling: AB. she never envisioned she would talk to him again.
" look, i am dealing with issues right now. we don't have a place to stay. and i just need a place to sleep in to stay overnight. i'll tell you the entire story later. is it possible to see you? i just need to unburden my problems. i'll come see you at your pad."
"okay, i'll see you in a bit," she responded.
wait. did he say he was coming over. her parents was up. her siblings are, too. she must wait until past midnight to sneak him in. as much as she wanted to avoid him, she apprehended he needed her. so her past, or their past together were not important. he thirst for her company and help now and as a friend, she should be willing to attend on him and extend him a helping hand. at least for old times' sake.
as soon as the clock ticked at 12 am, it was midnight and like cinderella, he came in her door snuck him rushly and instructed him to hurriedly go to the way to her bedroom.
in her bedroom, while lying on the same bed, he was almost crying to her. he told her everything that has been going eversince their last time together last summer. the death of his father, the medical coverage that left them financially suriving, his anger towards knwing his father cheated on his mom and his father had kids outside of their family, his frustrations on school, his "girls" he claimed who had hurt him, his obligations of taking care of his mom, their situation being evicted at their previous apartment, their way of living now trying to find a place to stay, how he felt guilty about needing her after everything he has done to her, the nights they were together. as always, they talked about everything. no holds bar. no secrets are left unfolded.
now, it was about 3 am. she decided to share her bed with him. nothing sexual, she must say. it was just plain friends sleeping on one bed and it just happened they are of opposite sex. although, she mounted pillows in between them, he mangaed to held her close. she held him back because she figured he needed a comforting hug.
she did not know what to think. there was a history behind them and yet, she disregarded that. but his hugs meant so much. the way he touched her face gently and subtlely, the manner he smiled sparkingly at her, the method he ran his fingers slowly through her long hair, the fashion he smelled her scent... nozzling it from the back of her ear, or the process of how he held her close with his arms tighly wrapped around her waist.
and her. she oughted to pull him even closer but it was not an appropriate behavior. she coveted to not show any sexual gesture or acts of desire before it ended up into something they will both regret later.
she sensed astonishment and uncomfort around him. strange how he kept asking if she was okay even though they were
in her bed
in her bedroom. his concerns, his hugs became tighter, he decided to share blankets with her even if he was given a blanket for himself.and her, confused. what is he trying to do? he kissed her gently, more like a peck on her dried lips. he manipulated his fingers to swerve through her every curves. he caressed her all over.
yes, it felt sensual and wonderful. but it also must end.
"stop, " she said.
" please..just.. just hold me and let's just go to sleep."
she knew without a doubt he wanted her. his body was too warm from a normal temperature. by the way he touched and held her, his yearning desires were evident. maybe, she felt the same way, too. after all, she was only human and she, too had imbalanced hormones. but she also didn't thought it was the right thing to do. so with every move he made, she contradicted and put an end into it. she pretended she was not interested but when asked if she was turned on, she answered she was. but with that, she added that she was not interested in reciprocating the gestures of passion he hinted on.
although, she hugged him close. they held each other close all night and morning long. they shared passionate kisses and quick smacks. at 5:30 am, she woke him up. it was time for him to leave because he needs to go to school while she needs to get prepared to go to school. once again, she had to figure out a way for an
"operation: sneak him out"without any of the people in her house noticing.
at 6 am, mission accomplished. he was out and safe and no one even knew he was there. but where did that left them? was it just a night of needing someone? will it blossom into something else? she is contented with the friendship. she was fine without him. starge how it occurred couple of days before valentine's day while valentines blues haunted her. or was it because pain from her past went back again? does that mean anything to him?
she doesn't want to expect. she just ought for things to let it be t. but today at school , with only an hour worth of sleep, she thought of him. she wondered how he was. is he okay? is he sleeping well? is he even thinking of her liek she was worried of him?
if it's right time and right people.and if fate permits and the Lord allowed...why can't it be?
let fate take its course.
eh.
just let it be.
Saturday, February 09, 2002
here my
personal colorgeincs profile from
colorgenics:
my colors that i am most in harmony with from most to lest are...
1. red
2. blue
3.black
4.green
5.yellow
6.gray
7.purple
8. orange
my colorgenincs profile states:
You are striving for a life full of activity and experience, and perhaps what is even more, an environment where you would be able to forge a close bond with a person who can offer full emotional fulfilment.
You want what you want ... and you need all that you want .. and as they say in the movies .. you are the sort of individual that "By hook or by crook" you will, by fair means or foul, endeavour to get what you are looking for ...
You need a friend - a close friend ... and you are willing to become emotionally involved with the right person, but you are very demanding and particular in your choice of partners. You are constantly looking for reassurance .. and it is perhaps because of this that you tend to be some-what argumentative, but you try to hold back - careful to avoid open conflict since this might reduce your chances of prospects of realising your hopes of establishing a warm caring relationship.
Whatever has caused the situation...you just don't seem to be able to sustain or maintain relationships as you would wish to. What you really seek is to be able to develop a relationship with someone with whom you can truly share: Love, Serenity, Peace and Quiet. But you are a very demanding person and it is your nature that leads to disquiet and discord...you are like the tide,.. flotsam and jetsam...One minute you experience "highs" and a few moments later "lows". This obviously will introduce discord into any relationship and it is the demanding attitude, the ideal state you desire, is unable to develop. Despite the urge to gratify your natural desires, you impose a considerable self-restraint on your instincts in the belief that this demonstrates your superiority and raises you above the common herd. You are extremely critical of everything that is presently going on around you...and you find it difficult to listen to, or to take advice from anyone. You enjoy the original, the ingenious and the subtle, and you strive to ally yourself with others of similar tastes.
You really like doing what you do and more than that, you like yourself. Your attitude to work and to life is that "If its not fun - then don't do it" You want to be liked and respected, not for who you are but , for what you are.. and it seems to be working..
i am speechless because it is so true. anyway....get yours
here.
mortified
did i mention i am "crushing" someone in school. he's quiet, cute, and conservative. i do not know if he's smart because i have not said anything but "hello." i don't even know his name but he is my friend's coworker. so anyway, here's my dorky moment of the week. i mentioned to my friend that i thought he was so cute. and yesterday...
sheila:
nori, did i tell you that i am now close to my coworker that you find cute?
me:
that's good to know. wow. what an advantage!
sheila:
we're so close that i told you have a crush on him and that you were my friend that always goes to visit me at work. and he's wondering who you were and he's flattered.
me:
what?!!! that's embarrassing. now, he's probably thinking that every time i go there i am stalking him. eeww. i'll never show my face there again.
sheila:
it's too late.
me:
hmm. let me see. can you tell him i don't think he's cute anymore?
sheila:
lol
so this is even worse. sheila said she will be working today and it just so happen that i needed to get my books at school so she said to pass by her work. stupidly, i did. and guess who was there? the guy....what's his face? i just know he's indonesian. and sheila was laughing at me and teasing me and it was irritating because i was so quiet and timid that i can't even say a decent word infront of him. and he smiled and i melted and i figured i had to get out of there because i am so mortified.
that's it. i am never showing my face in that office again.
i watched
a walk to remember last night at century city with my siblings. i loved the movie. what can i say, i did mention here that i am a hopeless romantic. well, here's my favorite quote to
ponder from the movie.
as it was said in the ending...
"love is like the wind. you know it's there but you can't see it. you can only feel it..."
landon carter (shane west)
Friday, February 08, 2002
set you free
and then i was listening to my old OPM songs (origina pilipino music) and i ran into this song by the side a band entitled set you free.i think that's my theme for this valentines. it always reminds me of ron. so once again, ron park, this one's for you.
Set You Free
by side a band
We often fool ourselves
And say that it's love only
‘Cause when it's gone we end up being lonely
So how are we to know that it just isn't so
That we just have to let each other go
There were many times
When we shared precious moments
But later realized they were only stolen moments
So how are we to know that it just wasn't so
That we just had to let each other go
chorus
If loving you is all that means to me
When being happy is all I hope you'd be
Then loving you must mean
I really have to set you free
Each day we meet
my love for you Keeps growing stronger
but everytime we meet
Makes leaving you so much harder
So how are we to know
That this just wasn't so
That we just have to let each other go
(Repeat *)Letting go is not an easy task
When smiling feels like I must wear this lonely mask
It hurts deep inside
And I just cannot hide
That there's anguish at the thought
That we should have to part (Repeat * 2X)
ponder.....
in comparison with what i wrote yesterday, i browsed through some of my everyday blogs courtesy of
unpoetic and i found this....
"everything is necessary, everything needs only my agreement, my assent, my understanding; then all is well with me and nothing can harm me...I had to experience nausea and the depths of despair in order to learn not to resist them, in order ot love the world and no longer compare it with some kind of desired imaginary world, some imaginary vision of perfection, but to leave it as it is, to love it and be glad to belong to it."
from the book:
siddhartha, by herman hesse
Thursday, February 07, 2002
valentines trauma drama..again.
the trauma of the approaching valentines day came to my thoughts yesterday. not only do i want to take the day of hearts off my calendar, i also don't want to exist that day. i am sure i will feel like hell....
again. through the years, valentines days were always feelings of derangement for me. let's just say, all of them were unpleasant experiences except one.
i think the only valentines day i really enjoyed was the fsecond valentines i had with glenn. it was special because it was the first time i felt really love. glenn and i had this huge fight that year and i decided to cut off all ways possible for him to see or contact me...for two months. and he sent me trillions of red roses, gazillion boxes of my hawaiian favorite chocolate covered macadamias shipped all the way from the paradise island of oahu(which i gave to my friends and siblings), he wrote me thousands of " please-forgive-me-because-i-am-going-nuts-without-you" love letters and cards, and bombarded me with late night i miss you phonecalls and even gave me a plane ticket to see him in hawaii. well, that's that. my other valentines days are not even worth remembering nor mentioning.
four years after (which is NOW), we are on our separate ways. glenn is set to marry a girl whom he got pregnant and who is also the baby now of the 4 months old boy glenn named
"gien" (
"gi" derived from the initial of glenn's first name and
"en" from the initial of my first name which is norilen) in the philippines while he was there on vacation last year. and i, i was with someone i truly loved and perhaps, i still love..ron. but he chose to give up on "us" without saying goodbye that up until this very day, i searched for the answer.
this valentines day, like my previous valentines days, i will be alone again and celebrating it with myself. friends offered me double dinner or movie dates with their boyfriends and their
"boyfriend's friend" but i politely turned it down because i hate being stuck wiht a guy i do not even know. my cousin geng and her beau joe are off to las vegas on the 14th and she asked me if i wanted to join them. i have not decided yet. but it would be a nice idea to see my best friend maffi again. plus, the thought of vegas mending my soul is very tempting.
i am overwhelmed with so much pain lately. and i am finding ways to find my soul again and discover new things i enjoy or put my interests back on the things i previously loved doing such as playing the piano, writing poems, watching the sunset, listening to raindrops, sleeping with my feet sticking out of the blanket. i am digging into my spiritual roots. i am returning to my Lord once again and i'm praying and i'm meditating more. i kept myself busy again. i overloaded myself with enermous number of units in school ( i am more than full time student) and i straffed myself with the most difficult classes such as upper division math courses and tons of sciences and labs. i am jobless at the moment but i will be taking on a new job within couple of weeks in the medical field and i subjected to them that i will work the double shift which also happen to be graveyard shifts (3 pm - 11 pm and then onto 11pm to 7am), a remarkable total of 16 hours! to add to these is my mukltiple obligations and responsibilities and chores and errands at home namely: cooking, cleaning, picking up my siblings to and from). whoa...in this case, i do not have to think of anything but myself.
perhaps, this is my way of healing the hurt, getting rid of my negative contemplations, and erasing the sorrow. it will be a long journey. i am aware of that. but i think, right now, it is good that i know my destination and i believe i am doign the right path. being busy devoting myself into school, my career, my family and my friends is better thn luring myself into unwanted sex ( i want sex but not from someone i do not love), or drugs or alcohol that would only give me temporary high and sanity. by engaging myself into conquering these goals, i am delivering myself " i am moving on" attitude. and that's not a bad thing.
as i said, it's still a long way to go. yes, i was and still is badly hurt, i am also determined. though, my soul is tarnished, i also long to shine and sparkle again. even if i am weak right now, i am standing up and gathering up my strength because i am also brave. and though people have hurt me and the past left me permanently scarred, i forgave them and i still believe in love and i will remain a hopeless romantic. life is filled with battles we could not choose to fight but we must fight regardless. there's no time to to back out. it is a matter of facing. so slowly, that's what i am set to do.
gradually, i am getting there. like how i will wish that valentines day will passed me by as fast as the wink of my eye.
eh.
one step at a time.
one day at a time.
Sunday, February 03, 2002
not ready to talk about my feelings just yet but i did felt the urge to answer this questionairres. so....read on.
when it rains i sit by the window and listen to the raindrops. i love rain.
my mother always gives me a lecture...about..anything and everything!
when i get older i want to become a doctor or a nurse practitioner, be happily married and with children.
my friends feel that i need to relax because i overanalyze things and i overwork my body and brain.
the trouble with me is i over analyse things and i get paranoid at times.
the thing i do best is be a reliable friend, a very generous sibling, an obedient child, a loving and caring partner.
in our home it's usually loud and fun because my siblings and i are always irritating the hell out of ourselves.
i get angry when people do not keep their promises, when you don't put the toilet seat down..
when i get home from school today i'm going to sleep..although, it is weekend so i do not have school.
i especially like the sound of the ocean waves clashing towards the shore and sleeping inside a warm, cozy blanket with my foot sticking out.
right now i feel like i want to see ron. but eh. never mind. he doesn't want anything to do with me.
a good definition of myself is i am an achiever, i'm sensitive, funny, God-fearing, generous, and a hopeless romantic
if i were an animal i would be a lion because i am brave and feisty.
if i were a color, i would definitely be red. i want to be noticed from a far!
when i think of the future, i freak out but yet, i look forward to it.
the thing that makes me most happy is knowing i have made someone smile or made someone's day better.
