the trauma of the approaching valentines day came to my thoughts yesterday. not only do i want to take the day of hearts off my calendar, i also don't want to exist that day. i am sure i will feel like hell....again. through the years, valentines days were always feelings of derangement for me. let's just say, all of them were unpleasant experiences except one.
i think the only valentines day i really enjoyed was the fsecond valentines i had with glenn. it was special because it was the first time i felt really love. glenn and i had this huge fight that year and i decided to cut off all ways possible for him to see or contact me...for two months. and he sent me trillions of red roses, gazillion boxes of my hawaiian favorite chocolate covered macadamias shipped all the way from the paradise island of oahu(which i gave to my friends and siblings), he wrote me thousands of " please-forgive-me-because-i-am-going-nuts-without-you" love letters and cards, and bombarded me with late night i miss you phonecalls and even gave me a plane ticket to see him in hawaii. well, that's that. my other valentines days are not even worth remembering nor mentioning.
four years after (which is NOW), we are on our separate ways. glenn is set to marry a girl whom he got pregnant and who is also the baby now of the 4 months old boy glenn named "gien" ( "gi" derived from the initial of glenn's first name and "en" from the initial of my first name which is norilen) in the philippines while he was there on vacation last year. and i, i was with someone i truly loved and perhaps, i still love..ron. but he chose to give up on "us" without saying goodbye that up until this very day, i searched for the answer.
this valentines day, like my previous valentines days, i will be alone again and celebrating it with myself. friends offered me double dinner or movie dates with their boyfriends and their "boyfriend's friend" but i politely turned it down because i hate being stuck wiht a guy i do not even know. my cousin geng and her beau joe are off to las vegas on the 14th and she asked me if i wanted to join them. i have not decided yet. but it would be a nice idea to see my best friend maffi again. plus, the thought of vegas mending my soul is very tempting.
i am overwhelmed with so much pain lately. and i am finding ways to find my soul again and discover new things i enjoy or put my interests back on the things i previously loved doing such as playing the piano, writing poems, watching the sunset, listening to raindrops, sleeping with my feet sticking out of the blanket. i am digging into my spiritual roots. i am returning to my Lord once again and i'm praying and i'm meditating more. i kept myself busy again. i overloaded myself with enermous number of units in school ( i am more than full time student) and i straffed myself with the most difficult classes such as upper division math courses and tons of sciences and labs. i am jobless at the moment but i will be taking on a new job within couple of weeks in the medical field and i subjected to them that i will work the double shift which also happen to be graveyard shifts (3 pm - 11 pm and then onto 11pm to 7am), a remarkable total of 16 hours! to add to these is my mukltiple obligations and responsibilities and chores and errands at home namely: cooking, cleaning, picking up my siblings to and from). whoa...in this case, i do not have to think of anything but myself.
perhaps, this is my way of healing the hurt, getting rid of my negative contemplations, and erasing the sorrow. it will be a long journey. i am aware of that. but i think, right now, it is good that i know my destination and i believe i am doign the right path. being busy devoting myself into school, my career, my family and my friends is better thn luring myself into unwanted sex ( i want sex but not from someone i do not love), or drugs or alcohol that would only give me temporary high and sanity. by engaging myself into conquering these goals, i am delivering myself " i am moving on" attitude. and that's not a bad thing.
as i said, it's still a long way to go. yes, i was and still is badly hurt, i am also determined. though, my soul is tarnished, i also long to shine and sparkle again. even if i am weak right now, i am standing up and gathering up my strength because i am also brave. and though people have hurt me and the past left me permanently scarred, i forgave them and i still believe in love and i will remain a hopeless romantic. life is filled with battles we could not choose to fight but we must fight regardless. there's no time to to back out. it is a matter of facing. so slowly, that's what i am set to do.
gradually, i am getting there. like how i will wish that valentines day will passed me by as fast as the wink of my eye.
eh.
one step at a time.
one day at a time.
posted by pinay freestyle @ 8:49 PM
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