Wednesday, December 26, 2001
christmas escapades
belated merry christmas!
christmas was fun for me. auntie vicks and family came from modesto on the 22nd. we shopped for three days AGAIN until the eve of christmas. and i'll never do that again. it's too crowded in the malls. on christmas eve, my family and i went to the traditional church service at church. it was good. we even went carolling to the streets. then we had our traditional crhistmas eve dinner at the house. not only as i up until 4 am on christmas day, but i was up cleaning up and cooking.
on december 25th (yesterday), friends and family came. we had a christams lunch here at home so we had the roasted pig and a big feast. it was more like a family reunion, too. i got cash and gifts from everyone. but i think i was more eager to see my family's reaction to the gifts i gave to them. anyhow, they liked it. we bought mom a foot spa/massage. i gave mom a food dehydrator (she likes dried fruits), i gave my dad and mom a picture frame that stated, " i love mom, i love dad" with their old teenage pictures on it, i gave noreene pants and a bath spa set -all green her favorite color, i gave my bro long a guess denim jacket and many more clothes, i gave bro LA almost the same thing and more.
ahhh....we ate, and talked and ate again...and again. need i say more? we're stuffed like turkeys! we had videoke, the teens decided to go out for a spin and ended up heading to santa monica beach, we watched the light festival at griffith park, ahh...we did so much!
today, my auntie vicks and family left to go back up north where i lived. they keopt sayign how they missed me. my brother long, cousin albert and cousin jack and their friends left for christmas institute ( it's a spiritual retreat/camp) for some spiritual nourishment. my dad gave my mom, my little sis and i money to head for the after christmas shopping spree. so, we, literally, invaded the mall.
now, i'm home. just trying to catch up on my sleep. i've been sleep deprived lately.
Saturday, December 22, 2001
days are becoming slower and nights are even longer.
*sigh*
i want all these torments, loneliness, and insomnia to come to an end. i long for the tears to stop falling from my eyes. i desire for the pain to stop every time i thinkf of "you."
that's all i want.
all i want.
ponder.......
"pain refines our being."
"dream with open eyes."
Thursday, December 20, 2001
something fun.........
7, 7, 7
i was browsing through new blogs and i ran through this questionaires type of thing. i decided to answer it for my self. try it if u want.
7 things you're afraid of:
01 failure
02 no one loving me
03 losing my family and friends
04 going blind
05 God
06 rats!!!!
07 people
7 things or people that make you laugh:
01 my friend, Mickey, he's hilarious!
02 my brother Long, he acts so weird!
03 charmaine, no one can ever beat her humor!
04 movie: meet the parents, zoo lander
05 when i make funny faces
06 non asian fixing their cars, wanna be racers
07 ...?
7 things that make you cry:
01 thinking of "him"
02 looking back on my exes who hurt me
03 missing him
04 movie: up close and personal ( michelle peifer and robert redford)
05 book: beloved by toni morrison
06 retreat or testimonies at church
07 disappointment/pressures/expectations- when i feel like a failure
7 things I love:
01 being in love
02 my family
03 friends
04 writing....
05 talking on the phone
06 "him"
07 shopping for shoes, i love shoes!
7 things I don't understand:
01 life
02 why "he" had to do the things he is doign to me now.
03 love
04 math, hate math. why do we need math any way?
05 emotions/feelings
06 why guys can't put the goddamn toilet seat down!? i don't get it!
07 why God wants us to be unhappy sometimes..
7 things on my desk:
This really isn't my desk but here we go.
01 telephone
02 pen
03 phone book
04 speakers
05 remote control
06 cd case
07 book: about short essays
Right now you are:
I am watchign some soap opera fromt he filipino channel, filling this up, thinkign of HIM, excited for the holidays, resting....
7 facts about you:
01 i am an achiever
02 the more people put me down, the more i show them how determined i am
03 i love with all my heart ( i love too much...sometimes, it hurts)
04 I love shoes!!!!
05 my longest bf, cheated on me and got the girl pregnant, he's out of my life!
06 i am leo
07 i am filipino
7 things I am doing right now:
01 typing
02 watching TV
03 thinking of him
04 starving!
05 deciding whether or not to clean the bathroom
06 feelign hurt
07 covering my feet, the floor is cold
7 things to do before I die:
01 be a doctor
02 send my siblings to college
03 buy a house for me and other investment houses
04 tour around the world
05 have sex many many times!!!1 hahah LOL
06 marry and have kids..if possible....if not, i'll just have flings
07 say my goodbyes
Middle name: larida
Birthdate: 29 july 1978
Birthplace: i was born at home!
Nicknames: len, baby boo, seaweed
Favorite color: red
Favorite season: winter, i love it cold and breezy
Last kiss: "F"
First real kiss: 15..with "G"
Gay, straight, bi, queer, confused or none of these: bi-curious, hahaha LOL. j/k. i'm straight!
Do you believe in love at first sight?: no.there's more to it than the physical.
What are you listening to now? television
Height?: 5'3" I think
What languages do you know: fluent in English,Tagalog ( and another filipino dialect: ilocano), and Spanish, little chinese,
can comprehend and say little things in korean and japanese.
What are the top ten places you would like to travel to?
Yes! This is my kind of question!
01 England
02 Australia, down under!
03 Bahamas or Jamaica, man!!!
04 Paris, je'taime!
05 Hawaii- aloha!
07 Australia
08 remote island int he pacific!
09 philippines
10 right now, i want to be in new york
If there are 3 wells (love, beauty, and creativity) and you could only drink from one of them, which would you choose?: love, can't never full of love..
Is masturbation gross?: No.everyone does, even if they say they don't, they are lying !!!!
Would you kill someone?: if it's not a sin to kill, yes! i told my bestfriend maff who will be in my top ten to kill list,,,hahah LOL. j/k. my conscience can't take it!
Do you trust others easily?: No. btu i think i have the tendency to.
What's the best concert you've been to?: new kids on the block. i know...i'm stuck in my childhood.
Would you rather be hot or cold?: cold!!!
*~blink away~*
life has been cruel to me lately. i started writing about what i feel at the moment but depression came and hit me again. maybe, i am not fully prepared to write or talk about it. for this time being, i assume, it is best that i keep to myself and only to people who are close to me and undertsands me more than ever ( maff, manong takeshi, cousin aileen, and glenn).
i hate being in this position. i loathe to feel the hurt i am feeling right now. talking to manong takeshi last night made me realize my worth. and he mentioned that i have always been strong and that i need to disregard the negative side comments and events that people uttered or felt against me. i need to abolish the negative thinking and if possible, invalidate the twinge and make life go on again.
so i'm working on it diligently. i am stressing with all effort to forget about it for the holidays sake. and as soon as i am ready to share, you, my readers will be the first to know.
perhaps, being with my family and friends here in los angeles can change the emotions i feel towards all this sorrow.so for now, i am going to
"blink away" from the misery, form the hurt, from people who stabbed me with pain ( you know who you are).
one task down. two more to go. wish me luck!
Tuesday, December 18, 2001
i have been experiencing a lot of changes in my life lately. i don't have the guts to talka bout what i feel yet. but as soon as i get things i need to do out of the way, i might be ready to expose some of my twinge and sorrow. right now, i'm just hurt and gettign back on track...again.
another thing, i am finally home sweet home in los angeles! i just arrived here approximately an hour ago. i'm just looking forward to enjoy a good christmas with my whole family.
Wednesday, December 12, 2001
how.......
how can i explain the hut that is tearing me apart?
...like an alcohol dripping to an open wound
...like a fast bullet targetting the beating heart
...like a lightning on its first strike on my whole body
...like a child drowning in the deep ocean
...like a fire victim burning in flames
...like a wounded bird, unable to fly
...like a hungry bum wanting to eat even just one piece of grain.
...like a dying person, suffocated...longing for her last breath
i'm just a body right now without a soul.
i'm just a child wanting to be held by .........forget it.
i'm just a hopeless romantic who yearns to be loved.
i'm just a lover left by her boyfriend for unanswered reasons
i'm just a rebellious child pushed away by my own mother.
i'm just a sister who abosorbed all of my sblings miseries.
i'm just an achiever tryingo allmy might to be someone.
but how can i?
every time i try, i am stepped on. i am greeted with harsh and hurtful words. i am pushed down to the floor every time i get up.i dreamed. i have achieved.but those are worthless, because people think i am worthless.
do i think am worthless?
*sobs*
(tears rolls down)
i don't know. i'm beginning to think i am.
*cries*
Monday, December 03, 2001
wind chimes
ssshhh.hush.i'm listening to the rather mellow noise of the wind chimes outside.
i have been in melancholy the past week. there were too many factors involved. i can't focus on school at all. ron and i are dealing with various unresolved issues. i miss my family. but worse of all, i got into a defensive argument with the mother of my boyfriend. bleh. i will not go further in details but let' s jus say, i answerd hr back and now, there's this bad vibe between us.
the rainshowers have been exceptionally helpful this past weekend. i think i am the only person in this house who loves the rain. i savor my moments with it. i listened to the sound of the raindrops carefully, i watched the water pour on our backyard, and shhh....the wind is blowing so hard...the wind chimes are playing an irresistable melody.
it's gloomy. no dash of sunshine. every angle i looked at, it was darkness. just what it seemed to be endless rain...pouring.
sort'a like my mood. all darkness, no smiles, not even grins....just pouring tears, like the ceaseless rain. i'm overshadowed by loneliness.
and i sit here.
i choose not to say anything. as if the world cares to listen anyway.
thanks to the wind chimes. its ecclectic sounds, as the wind gushed through it, lessened my twinge. at least, i am somewhat entertained.
ahh. when will this mood end?
*sigh*
