posted by pinay freestyle @ 6:32 PM
[[ 0 comments ]]
Saturday, March 31, 2001
I am so careless.....I accidently deleted my blogs...but good thing I had them all saved in my files.,,,so if these looks a bit crappy, pardon me.
b>March 30, 2001
MIDNIGHT STARS and AIRPLANES
Last night, I was on the verge of thinking again. I couldn't sleep and I don't know why. So I decided to sit by our front porch of the house and look at the twinkling stars shining so brightly above me. Airplabes flew in and out.The midnight wind was breezy. The wind blew softly in my cold body and I longed for warmth. I felt so alone. *sigh* I was in this depressing mood once again.
I used to sit on the front porch with my cousins Hanna and Geng. We had our house rebuilt but it was the same spot we used to hang around and just talk all night...and sometimes, morning. We would cry all night just sharing each other our problems. Other times, we giggled and laughed endlessly and hysterically. We used to watch the stars up there...and watch the airplanes fly in and out up in the clear skies above us. Hanna is now married with a kid. Geng is working 12 hours a day to help her family with the financial needs. And I, I am here reminiscing memories with them. I wonder if they still do this. I wonder if they sit outside at night and think, and recall our moments together or even just to plainly think...just to have an escape, a moment to look back on what life has been and look forward on what is life ahead.
I know I am. I always sit at that porch. I sit there and cuddle myself even more when the freezing atmosphere conquers my entire body and soul.
Last night was one of them.
I sit there ....just thinking.
I am proud of myself for accomplishing things. I was happy that I was able to see the joy and the pride in my parents' eyes as I handed them the awards I got. I could see in my mom's glaring and almost teary eyes and papa smiled proudly liek he always do but now even more fascinating and proud smile.
My friends...where have they been? Where are they now? Some of them married. Some with children and not married. Some are burried in drugs, alcohol and sex. Some are dead. Some are shot once or twice or more. Some of them in jail.Some got out and still the same and some are permanently locked up. A few remained faithful to our friendship. Most of them faded away.Most of them partying. Most are lost souls and no sense of responsibility. They live days and nights not worryign what lies ahead. A few looking forward to be somebody. A few making an effort and putting hardwork to be somebody.A few dreaming to be recognized. I was one of the few longing and dreaming to be someone. I am also one of the few putting so much effort and hardwork to be successful. Should I be proud? I guess, I am. I am vey thankful where I am and what I am now. Thanks mom for keeping me grounded and for the strict love you engulfed me in. Where would I be if mother didn't control me and reminded me to the right path back then? I was probably one of the lost souls.
Love...made me the person I am now. Love molded a strong character within me. I learned how to love unconditionally and let go unslefishly of that love make someone happy. I also felt to be loved dearly. That's is the most important thing. I have also been hurt badly quite a few times. Glenn taught me so much about love.He reminded me to love ME first and then love him. And I am pretty sure he learned so many things about love in me. Together, we inclined ourselves to a higher level of understanding love and together, we dug ourselves to feel the deeper feelign love. Other people I loved where played important roles why I appreciate love and why I am too cautious to love. I think, I would still love without boundaries and limits like I loved Glenn. But, I will watch my every step and move. I don't want to get prick and I would not want to shed a tear anymore.
My siblings have now grown up to be wonderful adults and teenagers. I was just talking to Long earlier before he went out to a party. It was a good conversation. I was relieved to tell him things I was distressing on. He adviced me to hang in there. I was teaching my little kid brother LA how to do HTML on his website in Asian Avenue. I'm teaching him so many things and I am glad he is absorbing most of them. My little sis Kring and I were talking about her debut. Actually, we were arguing before that because she is flying to Boston next week and she said she was "borrowing" my clothes to go there. I said, let me pick what clothes I need in my closet because I need it for Las Vegas. My gosh, she becoming a young lady arguing with me what clothes she wants when before, she never cared and all she cared about were her sports. Ate Bel and I bonded so much when I was int he Philippines. We renewed out relationship as sisters. We have a deeper stage of sisterhood and I know, for always, I will always be there for her and my nephew and my my niece.
I did all these thinking while I was watchign the stars and airplanes above me. I was overwhelmed by the cold air. My body was feeling numb because it was too cold outside. I went back to my norm...almost sane again. Ah... those times in the front porch. It always brings me relief and comfort. It keeps me emotionally stable. It 's very therapeutic.
I should do this again. I will....
posted by Pinay Freestyle at 9:02 PM
HANGING BY A MOMENT
I was listening to these song today. I didn't particularly like the melody and the rhythm but I loved the lyirics so I decided to search it in the net.
"hanging by a moment"
by lifehouse
desperate for changing
starving for truth
closer to where I started
chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
forgetting all I'm lacking
completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation
you take all of me now
I'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
and I don't know what I'm diving into
just hanging by a moment here with you
there's nothing else to lose
there's nothing else to find
there's nothing in the world
that could change my mind
there is nothing else
there is nothing else
there is nothing else
desperate for changing
starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
and I don't know what I'm diving into
just hanging by a moment here with you
just hanging by a moment
hanging by a moment
hanging by a moment
hanging by a moment here with you
NOTE:
I am hanging in a moment....waiting for you (Glenn) to move me. All my life, I never been loved as much as you loved me. Everyday, you're a part of my every conversation. Images of you makes me grin and crask a smile.
My shattered heart and comfused mind retained retrospective mements with you. Memories of you tarnished my soul and impaired my heart to love again like I used to. Though, this decapitated heart of mine continues to ache when I reminisce lasting moments with you, I prized and value the unforgettable time and the irreplaceable feelings you made me feel during those moments. Thank you for loving me.
posted by Pinay Freestyle at 8:01 PM
HOME
Our school is observing Cesar Chavez Holiday so I am home right now. I have tons of things to finish. Sheila and I finished the practical exercise from English (that's two down!) but I have papers to do so I'll probably get to that as soon as I am finish here.
Mom's in a grouchy mood today. Rrrr....and I am the only one in the house she can b*itch at. Rrrr....I'll probably be locking myself up in my room the rest of the day.
Okay. Not much blah today. Maybe later when I charged my braincells more. Right now, it's malfunctioning.
posted by Pinay Freestyle at 9:26 AM
Thursday, March 29, 2001
WAITING
I'm waiting for my RN 50 class to start. I have couple more minutes. And I have all these reveries in my head.
OJ is right next to me and I am typing this as fast and quickly as I can so he won't have the chance to glance at it and read any of these revelations. OK...He's looking now and he's asking me what I am doing. (Hold up...BRB* got to minimize the screen----he's buggin')
Ok-I'm back. OJ left. he had to go to his weight training class. Thank God, he left. He keeps asking me irking questions. Nothing special. We're good friends. I still don't know if he likes me. But he said, he will call me tomorrow. I asked, "Why?" and he goes, "Why, you don;t want me to call?" I replied, "ahmm, you can." So I guess, I'll talk to him tomorrow.
Again, I am thinking of Glenn. Gosh, I wish I could just have a spare time when I can get him off my thoughts so I can focus on things I have to do better. But, no, he has to be in my mind that all I do is think about him. I should forget him. For the past few months, he has been a negative force behind me, he left with very harsh words to swallow, and yet, martyr me, I still miss him.
What is it about him that makes me so into him?
Maybe, it's the way he laughs at my jokes. His laughters and giggles starts out my day with a smile. I'm attracted to a man who gets the drift in my sense of humor.
Or, it's those times when he cries to me like a whining baby and he tells me he's hurting and he needs someone to listen. His openness and sensitivity makes me feel needed. After that, he thanks me and says he loves me. Aww.
It's those moments when we get on each other's throats and nerves and we don't talk for weeks and then he calls, and asks, "Are you mad at me?" and I answer, "Duh? what do you think?" In a quick snap, we kiss and make up.
It can also be the time when I say, "I miss you" and he would sarcastically replies, " I know." Yes, he thinks he's the bomb sometimes. Strange thing is, I find these "machoness" and his big ego, amusing.
Perhaps, it's those odd phonecalls he makes at 4 in the morning to call me and wake me up just to tell me he's home, he can't sleep, and he misses me. Who can turn someone like that?
It can also be those times when he sends me flowers, letters, and surprise gifts and he keeps asking if I got anything special that day. Not only do I get gifts, but my whole family and some of my friends, too.
Perhaps, it's the way he talked to his family and friends and mines about me and about US. He tells his friends I'm this and that. He calls me "his wife" infront of his mom. He talks to my brother like he was his own brother. He tells me overprotective, strict mom that he loves me. He lets the whole world know I am his.
Maybe, it's those jealousy issues we discuss. We try to make each other jealous and he gives up too easily. he mentions all these girls whoare after him and when I mention I am going out that weekend with "friends," he pouts and keeps quiet. Everytime there's silence, he's mad.
To top it all, it's when he has these "romantic moods" and out of the blue moon, he calls me, "Be..." and adds, " you know, you complete me and I can't live a day without you."
I miss you, Glenn. Can't you freekin' feel how much I freekin' miss you? Your images and memories lingers through my head day in and day out. I am in the company of others and it's still you I think about. Even after those not-so-good memories of you, I cherish. I wish I can have the chance to look at you in the eyes soon and tell you all these things I wanted you to hear.And show you what I feel. And hug you....and kiss you...and tell you...
I....
love...
you...
too.
But I can't.
I'm.... I'm just not sure if you love me as much as I love you. I want it to be reciporcally given. I'm just not sure it's not the right time and the right decision and the right feeling to feel right now.
But if you want to know, I do love you.
It's just...I am scared to fall in love again.
So I guess, I'll wait like I am waiting right now for my class to start. Rrr...all these waiting.
posted by Pinay Freestyle at 9:12 AM
Wednesday, March 28, 2001
Last one, I promise. We watched the play, "Oleanna" by David Mamet. It's all about some sexual harrassment case in Michigan State University some couple years ago. But I wanted to applly this particular qoute I watched ( and read). It's quite true.
John ( one of the main character ) uttered, " If I fail all the time, it must be that I think of myself as a failure. If I do not want to think of myself as a failure, perhaps, I should begin by succeeding now and again. "
Okay, I don't want to get on anybody's nerves. So....again, Ciao.
posted by Pinay Freestyle at 5:55 PM
PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY READING MY BLOGS!
Rossini( HELLO NINI, long time no talk...belated Happy B-day!)emailed me today and some other people and I am actually flattered they are reading my babbles. Thanks for the wonderful comments. It's weird because I rarely let anyone read what's in my thoughts and in my heart. And now, when I have crappy days or nights, I can just pour out all my unwanted emotions and untold thoughts over here. But to those people who are takignthe time out to read my blogs, Thanks for sharing my life story with me. I appreciate it very much.
I read this passage to Sheila earlier. I wanted to share it with you. It was from the play, 'night Mother, by Marsha Norman. The plays is about a girl who told her mother she will kill herself that very same night. Killign herself was her only escape from the hates of the world. It states,
(This was a scene when her mom was telling her she can't kill herself.)
".....I can't do anything either, about my life, to change it, to make it better, make me feel better about it. Like it better, make it work. But I can STOP IT. SHUT IT DOWN, TURN IT OFF like the radio when there;s nothing on I want to listen to. IT'S ALL I REALLY HAVE THAT BELONGS TO ME and I am going to say what happens to it. And it's going to stop.And I 'm goign to stop it. So let's just have a good time."
Pretty powerful phrase huh? Don't we feel like we want to shut down out lives sometimes? I honestly feel like these when I am down. This passage kind of touched me. It reminded me of me when I was stubborn and stupid. I still get those urge sometimes. But that's where it stops. It's just an urge.
posted by Pinay Freestyle at 5:48 PM
RRrrr...TOO MANY CELICA'S HERE IN LA.
You are probably wondering what in the world was I thinking. Yes, I am complaining about Toyata Celica's here in LA. Call me paranoid. But I am annoyed. On my way home fron school today, all I see is this Toyota Celicas. I'm aggravatign because it reminds me of someone. It reminds me of Inch. He has a red Toyota Celica, fixed up, lowered, and everything. It had all these accesories that's why it's noticeable. Plus, Inch's car has this particular sticker from the party promoter crew he is in.
I was wondering if Inch was stalking me. hehehe.I wish he was stalking me. The truth is, there's one particular red Celica that's hanging around my neighborhood almost every week .I live on a neighborhhod that is quiet and cars are rarely parked outside the house. This car always passes by my house. And it slows down when he gets to my street. Weird thing is, it also had the sticker from Inch's crew. Hmm, looks suspicious. The only thing I couldn't see is the person inside the car. The car had too dark ( almost illegal ) tint. But I am almost certain it's Inch.
Maybe, he is stalking me...or maybe, he wanted to say sorry, or hello but he just don't have the balls to actually do it. I guess, I'll wait. We'll see. But, hmm....(wonders....then smiles) I am glad he's stalking me. That means I was really special to him then (or until now?).
posted by Pinay Freestyle at 5:32 PM
MIDNIGHT STARS and AIRPLANES
Last night, I was on the verge of thinking again. I couldn't sleep and I don't know why. So I decided to sit by our front porch of the house and look at the twinkling stars shining so brightly above me. Airplabes flew in and out.The midnight wind was breezy. The wind blew softly in my cold body and I longed for warmth. I felt so alone. *sigh* I was in this depressing mood once again.
I used to sit on the front porch with my cousins Hanna and Geng. We had our house rebuilt but it was the same spot we used to hang around and just talk all night...and sometimes, morning. We would cry all night just sharing each other our problems. Other times, we giggled and laughed endlessly and hysterically. We used to watch the stars up there...and watch the airplanes fly in and out up in the clear skies above us. Hanna is now married with a kid. Geng is working 12 hours a day to help her family with the financial needs. And I, I am here reminiscing memories with them. I wonder if they still do this. I wonder if they sit outside at night and think, and recall our moments together or even just to plainly think...just to have an escape, a moment to look back on what life has been and look forward on what is life ahead.
I know I am. I always sit at that porch. I sit there and cuddle myself even more when the freezing atmosphere conquers my entire body and soul.
Last night was one of them.
I sit there ....just thinking.
I am proud of myself for accomplishing things. I was happy that I was able to see the joy and the pride in my parents' eyes as I handed them the awards I got. I could see in my mom's glaring and almost teary eyes and papa smiled proudly liek he always do but now even more fascinating and proud smile.
My friends...where have they been? Where are they now? Some of them married. Some with children and not married. Some are burried in drugs, alcohol and sex. Some are dead. Some are shot once or twice or more. Some of them in jail.Some got out and still the same and some are permanently locked up. A few remained faithful to our friendship. Most of them faded away.Most of them partying. Most are lost souls and no sense of responsibility. They live days and nights not worryign what lies ahead. A few looking forward to be somebody. A few making an effort and putting hardwork to be somebody.A few dreaming to be recognized. I was one of the few longing and dreaming to be someone. I am also one of the few putting so much effort and hardwork to be successful. Should I be proud? I guess, I am. I am vey thankful where I am and what I am now. Thanks mom for keeping me grounded and for the strict love you engulfed me in. Where would I be if mother didn't control me and reminded me to the right path back then? I was probably one of the lost souls.
Love...made me the person I am now. Love molded a strong character within me. I learned how to love unconditionally and let go unslefishly of that love make someone happy. I also felt to be loved dearly. That's is the most important thing. I have also been hurt badly quite a few times. Glenn taught me so much about love.He reminded me to love ME first and then love him. And I am pretty sure he learned so many things about love in me. Together, we inclined ourselves to a higher level of understanding love and together, we dug ourselves to feel the deeper feelign love. Other people I loved where played important roles why I appreciate love and why I am too cautious to love. I think, I would still love without boundaries and limits like I loved Glenn. But, I will watch my every step and move. I don't want to get prick and I would not want to shed a tear anymore.
My siblings have now grown up to be wonderful adults and teenagers. I was just talking to Long earlier before he went out to a party. It was a good conversation. I was relieved to tell him things I was distressing on. He adviced me to hang in there. I was teaching my little kid brother LA how to do HTML on his website in Asian Avenue. I'm teaching him so many things and I am glad he is absorbing most of them. My little sis Kring and I were talking about her debut. Actually, we were arguing before that because she is flying to Boston next week and she said she was "borrowing" my clothes to go there. I said, let me pick what clothes I need in my closet because I need it for Las Vegas. My gosh, she becoming a young lady arguing with me what clothes she wants when before, she never cared and all she cared about were her sports. Ate Bel and I bonded so much when I was int he Philippines. We renewed out relationship as sisters. We have a deeper stage of sisterhood and I know, for always, I will always be there for her and my nephew and my my niece.
I did all these thinking while I was watchign the stars and airplanes above me. I was overwhelmed by the cold air. My body was feeling numb because it was too cold outside. I went back to my norm...almost sane again. Ah... those times in the front porch. It always brings me relief and comfort. It keeps me emotionally stable. It 's very therapeutic.
I should do this again. I will....
posted by Pinay Freestyle at 9:02 PM
HANGING BY A MOMENT
I was listening to these song today. I didn't particularly like the melody and the rhythm but I loved the lyirics so I decided to search it in the net.
"hanging by a moment"
by lifehouse
desperate for changing
starving for truth
closer to where I started
chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
forgetting all I'm lacking
completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation
you take all of me now
I'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
and I don't know what I'm diving into
just hanging by a moment here with you
there's nothing else to lose
there's nothing else to find
there's nothing in the world
that could change my mind
there is nothing else
there is nothing else
there is nothing else
desperate for changing
starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
and I don't know what I'm diving into
just hanging by a moment here with you
just hanging by a moment
hanging by a moment
hanging by a moment
hanging by a moment here with you
NOTE:
I am hanging in a moment....waiting for you (Glenn) to move me. All my life, I never been loved as much as you loved me. Everyday, you're a part of my every conversation. Images of you makes me grin and crask a smile.
My shattered heart and comfused mind retained retrospective mements with you. Memories of you tarnished my soul and impaired my heart to love again like I used to. Though, this decapitated heart of mine continues to ache when I reminisce lasting moments with you, I prized and value the unforgettable time and the irreplaceable feelings you made me feel during those moments. Thank you for loving me.
posted by Pinay Freestyle at 8:01 PM
HOME
Our school is observing Cesar Chavez Holiday so I am home right now. I have tons of things to finish. Sheila and I finished the practical exercise from English (that's two down!) but I have papers to do so I'll probably get to that as soon as I am finish here.
Mom's in a grouchy mood today. Rrrr....and I am the only one in the house she can b*itch at. Rrrr....I'll probably be locking myself up in my room the rest of the day.
Okay. Not much blah today. Maybe later when I charged my braincells more. Right now, it's malfunctioning.
posted by Pinay Freestyle at 9:26 AM
Thursday, March 29, 2001
WAITING
I'm waiting for my RN 50 class to start. I have couple more minutes. And I have all these reveries in my head.
OJ is right next to me and I am typing this as fast and quickly as I can so he won't have the chance to glance at it and read any of these revelations. OK...He's looking now and he's asking me what I am doing. (Hold up...BRB* got to minimize the screen----he's buggin')
Ok-I'm back. OJ left. he had to go to his weight training class. Thank God, he left. He keeps asking me irking questions. Nothing special. We're good friends. I still don't know if he likes me. But he said, he will call me tomorrow. I asked, "Why?" and he goes, "Why, you don;t want me to call?" I replied, "ahmm, you can." So I guess, I'll talk to him tomorrow.
Again, I am thinking of Glenn. Gosh, I wish I could just have a spare time when I can get him off my thoughts so I can focus on things I have to do better. But, no, he has to be in my mind that all I do is think about him. I should forget him. For the past few months, he has been a negative force behind me, he left with very harsh words to swallow, and yet, martyr me, I still miss him.
What is it about him that makes me so into him?
Maybe, it's the way he laughs at my jokes. His laughters and giggles starts out my day with a smile. I'm attracted to a man who gets the drift in my sense of humor.
Or, it's those times when he cries to me like a whining baby and he tells me he's hurting and he needs someone to listen. His openness and sensitivity makes me feel needed. After that, he thanks me and says he loves me. Aww.
It's those moments when we get on each other's throats and nerves and we don't talk for weeks and then he calls, and asks, "Are you mad at me?" and I answer, "Duh? what do you think?" In a quick snap, we kiss and make up.
It can also be the time when I say, "I miss you" and he would sarcastically replies, " I know." Yes, he thinks he's the bomb sometimes. Strange thing is, I find these "machoness" and his big ego, amusing.
Perhaps, it's those odd phonecalls he makes at 4 in the morning to call me and wake me up just to tell me he's home, he can't sleep, and he misses me. Who can turn someone like that?
It can also be those times when he sends me flowers, letters, and surprise gifts and he keeps asking if I got anything special that day. Not only do I get gifts, but my whole family and some of my friends, too.
Perhaps, it's the way he talked to his family and friends and mines about me and about US. He tells his friends I'm this and that. He calls me "his wife" infront of his mom. He talks to my brother like he was his own brother. He tells me overprotective, strict mom that he loves me. He lets the whole world know I am his.
Maybe, it's those jealousy issues we discuss. We try to make each other jealous and he gives up too easily. he mentions all these girls whoare after him and when I mention I am going out that weekend with "friends," he pouts and keeps quiet. Everytime there's silence, he's mad.
To top it all, it's when he has these "romantic moods" and out of the blue moon, he calls me, "Be..." and adds, " you know, you complete me and I can't live a day without you."
I miss you, Glenn. Can't you freekin' feel how much I freekin' miss you? Your images and memories lingers through my head day in and day out. I am in the company of others and it's still you I think about. Even after those not-so-good memories of you, I cherish. I wish I can have the chance to look at you in the eyes soon and tell you all these things I wanted you to hear.And show you what I feel. And hug you....and kiss you...and tell you...
I....
love...
you...
too.
But I can't.
I'm.... I'm just not sure if you love me as much as I love you. I want it to be reciporcally given. I'm just not sure it's not the right time and the right decision and the right feeling to feel right now.
But if you want to know, I do love you.
It's just...I am scared to fall in love again.
So I guess, I'll wait like I am waiting right now for my class to start. Rrr...all these waiting.
posted by Pinay Freestyle at 9:12 AM
Wednesday, March 28, 2001
Last one, I promise. We watched the play, "Oleanna" by David Mamet. It's all about some sexual harrassment case in Michigan State University some couple years ago. But I wanted to applly this particular qoute I watched ( and read). It's quite true.
John ( one of the main character ) uttered, " If I fail all the time, it must be that I think of myself as a failure. If I do not want to think of myself as a failure, perhaps, I should begin by succeeding now and again. "
Okay, I don't want to get on anybody's nerves. So....again, Ciao.
posted by Pinay Freestyle at 5:55 PM
PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY READING MY BLOGS!
Rossini( HELLO NINI, long time no talk...belated Happy B-day!)emailed me today and some other people and I am actually flattered they are reading my babbles. Thanks for the wonderful comments. It's weird because I rarely let anyone read what's in my thoughts and in my heart. And now, when I have crappy days or nights, I can just pour out all my unwanted emotions and untold thoughts over here. But to those people who are takignthe time out to read my blogs, Thanks for sharing my life story with me. I appreciate it very much.
I read this passage to Sheila earlier. I wanted to share it with you. It was from the play, 'night Mother, by Marsha Norman. The plays is about a girl who told her mother she will kill herself that very same night. Killign herself was her only escape from the hates of the world. It states,
(This was a scene when her mom was telling her she can't kill herself.)
".....I can't do anything either, about my life, to change it, to make it better, make me feel better about it. Like it better, make it work. But I can STOP IT. SHUT IT DOWN, TURN IT OFF like the radio when there;s nothing on I want to listen to. IT'S ALL I REALLY HAVE THAT BELONGS TO ME and I am going to say what happens to it. And it's going to stop.And I 'm goign to stop it. So let's just have a good time."
Pretty powerful phrase huh? Don't we feel like we want to shut down out lives sometimes? I honestly feel like these when I am down. This passage kind of touched me. It reminded me of me when I was stubborn and stupid. I still get those urge sometimes. But that's where it stops. It's just an urge.
posted by Pinay Freestyle at 5:48 PM
RRrrr...TOO MANY CELICA'S HERE IN LA.
You are probably wondering what in the world was I thinking. Yes, I am complaining about Toyata Celica's here in LA. Call me paranoid. But I am annoyed. On my way home fron school today, all I see is this Toyota Celicas. I'm aggravatign because it reminds me of someone. It reminds me of Inch. He has a red Toyota Celica, fixed up, lowered, and everything. It had all these accesories that's why it's noticeable. Plus, Inch's car has this particular sticker from the party promoter crew he is in.
I was wondering if Inch was stalking me. hehehe.I wish he was stalking me. The truth is, there's one particular red Celica that's hanging around my neighborhood almost every week .I live on a neighborhhod that is quiet and cars are rarely parked outside the house. This car always passes by my house. And it slows down when he gets to my street. Weird thing is, it also had the sticker from Inch's crew. Hmm, looks suspicious. The only thing I couldn't see is the person inside the car. The car had too dark ( almost illegal ) tint. But I am almost certain it's Inch.
Maybe, he is stalking me...or maybe, he wanted to say sorry, or hello but he just don't have the balls to actually do it. I guess, I'll wait. We'll see. But, hmm....(wonders....then smiles) I am glad he's stalking me. That means I was really special to him then (or until now?).
posted by Pinay Freestyle at 5:32 PM
posted by pinay freestyle @ 6:31 PM
[[ 0 comments ]]
MENTALLY DRAINED
I am mentally tired. My mind is just too overloaded of too much information. And teh bad thing is, I have to absorb more. School is stressing me out. My Registered Nursing classes are practically killing me. I have to finish four books within 2 weeks time and I should know all its contents from front cover to back cover. And I have not even started.
Professor Mendez is getting irritating. He keeps reminding us more papers are due and we're all having panic attacks in the class. What's even worse is I have him for two classes. That means, I have double the load and doubel the anxiety. Sheila and I will actually be going to the Los Angeles Central Library in downtown LA tomorrow to study our butts off and get some of the works done. I actually started the papers he required us to do.
To add to that, I just had two tests today. I am pretty confident I A's both of them. I should...I stayed up until two in the morning memorizing and reading my books. I deserved that A. Yes, I am a nerd and I am proud of it. Please do not say anything negative, Steve or Joy-joy. But the struggle does not stop there. I have midterms on Monday and Wedensday next week and I have tons of papers due. And I just realized, I have to do about 5 or 6 term papers. There goes my school life for the rest of the semester. I am practically going to sleep with my books in order for me to get everything done. This is what I get for takign up 21 units. I have no idea what I was thinking why I took that much load. Hopefully, it will all pay off. Thank you for makign me survive school pressures, Sheila. I owe you a lot. =)
I'm glad Joy perfected both unknowns for Microbiology. I am proud of you, Joy. She said she'll treat me out. Wheee....Joy's taking me out to eat. hehehe. Thank you joy. I'll let you know when I am available. hehehe. It feels good to help someoen out achieve somethign as hard as Microbiology. I'll try to help Sheila out to figure out her unknown,too.
That's my school life. It's not somethign that will entertain you but I figured, you might find it a bit interesting.
Okay. Ciao.
posted by Pinay Freestyle at 5:19 PM
Tuesday, March 27, 2001
special shout out to MAFF
Yey...you're reading my blogs in Vegas!! Whoa! Thank you for always being my number one fan! You got my back, too. Hey, get to work now and stop chatting online. For once, finish some of your paper works before I burn you out and tell your boss you're always online. hahahaah LOL. Just kidding. Like your boss cares! LOL. I miss you, girl. One more week and we'll go guys hunting....if you know what I mean! I'll see you soon. Hugs and kisses to Alyssa.
posted by Pinay Freestyle at 3:00 PM
MYSTERY CALLER
I was in the midst of studying around 10 -11 pm last night when my little sis Kring said I have a phone call. "It's a guy and he thinks I am you. Please tell him I am not you," she added. Who would call me at this time when I reminded all my friends I will be busy doing my school committments? And this guy is getting on my sister's nerve. So I uttered, " Hello.." He responded, "Hello, BE, it's me." It's you? Who is this guy? He sounds so different. "It's me, BE." BE....The only guy who calls me "BE" is Glenn.
And guess who called me overseas from all the way in the Philippines? Yes,sure enough, it was Glenn ( the love of my life and the cad who also tore my heart out into bits and pieces). Supposedly, he was going home today, March 27, 2001 but there were not available flights at the time he wanted because it was all fully booked. So he said, he will be back on March 31st. Frankly, I am still shocked. I don't know whether I should be happy or not. I knew he was in the Philippines because I hear the people from the background speaking "Ilocano" ( one of the native dialects from Glenn's province---Ilocos Norte). Plus, I suppose, Glenn was the only English speaking person there. Okay, I was thinking, " what does he want from me this time?" I tried to be cold and arrogant. I asked him what made him call me when he practically pushed me away the last time we talked.
For those who didn't know what happened, here's a recap, before Glenn left to PI, after Valentines and our supposedly 4th year anniversary, I asked him what he felt for me. We've been friends for couple of months after he traded me for another girl who also "used" him. I don't know what I did wrong to him but he blurted, " you want to know what I feel for you, Len? I DON'T KNOW what I feel for you. I DON'T KNOW if I still feel the same for you. It's just everything changed about US. I don't mean US together but US ...." I am clueless to what he meant by US. Was he referring US together or US apart? I have no idea. I asked him so many questions from that conversation. "Do you love me? Wha do you feel for me? I am thinking of giving US a second chance, what do you think?" were just some of them. Prior to that incident, he mentioned he loved me and no one loved him like I loved him and that he couldn't life a day without me. Then all these mushy stuff lead to " I DON'T KNOW what I feel for you." I think what really made me feel unwanted was when he told me he did not know if he even loved me. One thing that Glenn kept assuring me eversince we started going out, was he loved me dearly. If there was one thing I loved about Glenn, it was his consistency of letting me know he loves me --- 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, he loved me. To hear him say that he did not know what he felt for me directly without feeling any dash of emotions, was like slicing me with a sharp knife and penetrating through the deep layers of my skin and blood is just gushing out from everywhere. I have never felt that much twinge and sorrow inside of me. The person whose shortcomings I tolerated, whose mistakes and "misbehaviors" I forgave, and worse yet, uncondionally loved, just told me I am not a part of his life anymore. I wept lika a baby that night. All these painful emotions was almost killing me. I told Maff I'd rather be ran over by a truck than to handle this torment and misery . I was doing okay for about a month now, just tryign to take it all in one day at a time...functioning like a living zombie, just going with the flow. And then I get this phonecall from the asshole who broke my heart.
Frankly, I am still shocked. I don't know whether I should be happy or not. Yes, I admit, I was glad he called. I missed him. When I asked him why he called, he simply answered, " I missed you, it's driving me nuts over here." I hate it when he says he missed me. I don't know if he's pulling my leg or he's really serious. We had this short conversation lasting for about 30 - 40 minutes. I talked to his friends, they talked to me in Ilocano and I would respond in English. I understand it fairly but I can't speak it that fluently. Why is he introducing me to his cousins and friends there? Who was I to be introduced to them? I was a nobody to him, anyway. What is he trying to do now? Did he really missed me or was he getting bored there and decided, " I should make an overseas call to Len from my cell paying 30-35 pesos a minute (about $0.75 cents per minute) ?" I listened quietly to what he said. He was by the beach because they are trying to catch fishes from the fish pond so they can supply the market ( he has a fishing and shrimps industry pond there ). He said he was able to rebuild their house there that collapsed during the storm season which was the only reason why he went home.But he said he should be back soon. He asked me how I was doing. "Fine, I guess. and Busy, " I replied. He kept telling me he missed me. "Okay," I said. He asked again, "Why are so mean to me?" " I am not mean. I am just.... (paused) I am just tired," I said. Then before the recpetion went off, he said, "Len, Aishiteru" That was our code for "I love you." It was "I love you" in Japanese (Glenn speaks Japanese fluently.)
*sigh* He loves me? He does? He said so. Do I love him? I never stopped loving him. But it's not right for me to love him right now. There are a lot of things I want him to answer. I guess, I'll wait until he's back. But for the time being NOW, If you want to know what I am thinking, I have mixed emotions. But I'm smiling. *smiles*
*sigh* He missed me.
*smiles* He loves me.
OJ
OJ told me he was not courting that Mexican girl. He carried my heavy bag and all books today. Awww...and I told him about Glenn. Was that a bad move? OJ is so nice. He said he was going home to PI on May for vacation. He said he wished we could both go home together. He said he's almost sure he will go to Vegas with me for Spring Break. What if Glenn decides he will go to Vegas on Spring Break? Oh no! I am doomed! OJ completes my day right now. He, like Glenn, makes me smile. It's just we always have a great laugh every time we are together. He asked me to call him. I told him I lost his number. I really did. He was kind of mad at me because he remarked, "Maybe you have too many guys number that you have forgotten one of them is mines." I just laughed and apologized. He went with me to the student store today and waited half an hour to get my books. I tod you he's nice. He's such a gentledogg...I mean, gentleman. I wish he can read these. Oh no, on the other hand, I take that back. I don't think I will ever let him read this. I will not have the guts to face him and answer all his questions if he asked. I'll probably turn like a tomato! hehehe LOL
Well, that's all folks! Catch you later.
posted by Pinay Freestyle at 2:55 PM
Monday, March 26, 2001
Philippines
Eloi, one of my best friends I left from the Philippines from my "barkada" J-CRENNSS, just answered my email and she's actually reading my blogs! THANK YOU, ELOI. I miss you girl and Hang in there...You'll make that test next time. I 'll keep you in my prayers.
Can you believe it? My friends from the Philippines are reading this right now! Whoa...I love technology!
I went home to the Philippines last December for vacation with my whole family after being gone for almost ten years( Check this out, there was 6 of us who went home from my own family). It was weird going back home after a long period of absence. Everything changed for me. My extended family there is quite a mess especially on my father's side.They fight about little things but most especially about money. And they were making comments that "we (my siblings and I) changed," that we arre too "Amercanized." I don't know how they defined Americanized. I think they were expecting for us to be ALWAYS courteous...we are but see, we grew up here in the States and I have no idea what they want us to do. This particular uncle from my father's side really irritated me that instead of staying in the province for a longer period of time, I left and told my mom that I wanted to travel around the Philippines. The truth is, I couldn't tell my mom the truth. Besides, I didn't want to spoil their vacation.
I cried to my nanny Ate Mars before I left. I really felt sorry because I wanted to be with her and my cousin Hannah longer. But those people got on my nerves. They jumped into conclusion that I was this and that when the fact is they don't even know me. They have no right to judge me. They judge everything about me and my siblings especially me on my line of work. Being a nurse...what do they care about my profession? I chose to be what I am. Most of my cousins there are very high achievers. Some are physical therapists, certified public accountant, pre-med, Law, Computer Science. And supposedly, they are all working and getting paid good.To my uncle, I am just a lousy Nursign major. Look, my cousins and I are really close. I never even judge them but their parents cannot find something better to do but judge me and my integrity. So what if i was a nurse? I am sure I am getting paid more than what their children are paid. I am very humble with what I earn. It is money earned from sweat and sleepless nights. Besides, I love what I am doing. But these people who have nothing else to do with their life need to make use of their hours productively rather than yatting negative stuff about me and my family.
One more thing that made me feel disappointed while I was there, was my friends. (Not you Eloi but the rest of the JCRENNSS). I don't know. Maybe things really changed for me. Before, I looked forward to going home there and seeing all of my friends there. One thing that really made me feel awkward was the fact that all they thought about was partying, doing drugs, getting drunk or getting laid. Don't get me wrong, I tried "some" of these stuff and I am a casual drinker, but I have long grew out of it. I mean, these people were college graduates and they have nothing in mind but "fun." They don't think about investing or getting ready to the future. I don't consider myself too mature for them. But at this point of time, I am thinking about my life in the future in general. I am starting to invest money on stocks, earn money in the banks, buy some properties. Eloi, I kind of felt left out when I was there. I was not that comfortable with them liek I used to. I don't know if it was me or them. I don't blame them. I have been gone for a while and we didn't grew up in the same environment.
If there was couple of people I really enjoyed being with was my own older sister, Ate Bel and my nephew Ichad and niece Ischa, my cousin Hannah, Ate Beng and Ate Mars. Ate Bel and Hannah made me realized I was lucky to be here in the States. They are havigna difficult life there right now. Both of them got married young. Ate Bel have a stable career and earning decent paychecks but they are still struggling from pay check to pay checks. yes, it's fun there and all but I don't know. I terribly miss Los Angeles while I was there. Now I can say LA is my home.
I was only there for three weeks.Philippines taught me a lot of things. I am planning to go back there in a year time. But I will make sure I have all these labels attached to my name to prove my uncles and aunties wrong. I want to show them I am somebody and I am capable of achieving something. I am so sick and tired of them makign these negative remarks against me and my family. As they say, " The greatest form of revenge is forgiveness and success." I forgave them. It's just I am emotionally hurt.
Thank you, Eloi for embracing me with open arms there. I can't wait to see you when you go here. I miss you. Keep in touch.
SCHOOL SUCKS
RRrr....I have all these deadlines to meet by April 2nd. I am getting pressured with school. I was looking forward to Spring Break and then all these paper works needed to be done. My english professor reminded me I have tons of things to do. And we should be thinking about term papers. To make it even worse, I have to take a Registered Nursing 50 Accrediated Test from the National League of Nursing before April 9 and the professor only gave us the necessary materials last week. In fatc, we onyl started our class last week. I hate how they rush us to do things when it was all their fault why we are running late on deadlines. Plus, these ar ento the only classes I have to attend to. I mhave midterms other classes, too you know and most of the are Sciences. That means less work and more hours of studying. And for the time being, I have to give up my social life. Rrrr. Oh well, so much blabbing. I got to start hitting the books now.
Oh yeah, Thanks for the peptalk today, Sheila. I really appreciate it. And please stop calling me " Seaweed." Joy-joy, you started this!!!
posted by Pinay Freestyle at 6:15 PM
Sunday, March 25, 2001
I forgot to tell you that I got a mail from my ex boyfriend Ziggy ( he was my ex-boyfriend from fiveyears ago). He's in jail for so many various reasons. Why am I not surprise? I don't know why I even fell for his loser butt. I guess, I really was stupid then. My question is, what does he want from me now? He's my friend and everything. I remained good friends with my exes but I just don't understand why they had me then and they messed up one and and then couple years after, I hear this, " I-realized- it was-you-I-wanted" dialogue. Ewww...I'm sick and tired with the same drama. Do I want them back? Hell no....except if it's *Inch* (Right maff?heheh LOL). I don't know why they realized it too late that it was me all along. Is this what they call "bad karma?"
posted by Pinay Freestyle at 9:00 PM
BONDING: GI JOES AND BARBIES...
Saturday was a bonding day for me and my two brothers. Actually, we dropped off ate Ral by UC Riverside to her aunt's house. The place was near Ontario Mills ( one of the biggest malls here in Southern California) so my brother and LA and I decided to dropped by the mall. We were there around 11 am and hardly anyone was there. Funny thing is, we lost track of time and we probably decided to go home around 5 pm.
My brother NJ and I are three years apart. We used to be close.We used to play a lot when we were young. Funny thing is, I never played with my babrbies. In fact, I hate dolls. I always whined why my brother Long gets to have GI Joes and remote controlled cars and I getthe Barbies. We often used my older sister's Baribie collection where we take the body parts off and pretend it's the GI Joe's slave. Other times, we would just play video games for hours until we finish the whole game. We shop a lot together. My brother Long is one of those guys who wouldn't mind shopping with a girl. We both have these love for clothes.We watch movies a lot before. We are both spontaneous. If we decide to go out and shop even if it was 7 int he morning, we'll go ahead and do it.We drink together. I hang around with his friends. I tell him abotu the love of my life Glenn. He tells me about girls he likes or girls who likes him. He was the first one one who knew I got into Jefrox. But when we start arguing and fighting, it seemed like there's worldwar III because we are both doing our wrestling and karate moves on each other. I miss the old times. I miss the times when we would tell our ghost stories or play poker during rainy days. I miss it when I teach him how to play the piano and I hate it how he seemed to be better than me when he plays now. My point is, why does it seemed like we're drifting apart from each other?
I guess, we still are still close but we kind of drifted apart from each other the past year. I don't know why. Maybe, he is now an adult and he thinks he can stand on his own feet. I, being his older sister, always remind him to keep his feet grounded on the ground. I know he has been through a lot the past year. He doesn't tell me in particular but I think I know him so well that I can pinpoint whether he's hurting or not.And vice versa. I knew he noticed the times when my eyes are teary and swollen that I and Glenn got into a fight. But he remained quiet. I guess, that was his way of "not bugging me." It's those quiet and fun moments that I miss. Lately, we have been on separate ways. We had this majoy huge fight last year that I decided to avoid him because he mentioned soemthing that really hurt me. We never discussed it. We left it unsaid.
Yesterday, when we went shopping, we got to do things together again. It's strange how we always get along fine with regards to shopping. He knew what brands I like and what fashion I am into. In reverse, I knew what clothes he was looking for. LA, my youngest brother, was with us and he was having fun just hanging around. We playes some games at Gamesworks, we ate until we were stuffed and we couldn't get out of our chairs! It was a pure bonding day. On our way home from Ontario going to back to Los Angeles, we talked about his friends and my friends. He mentioned that Michelles mentioned to him that "I was smart." When we were young, he hated livign under my shadows. In high school, all the teachers I had, were his teachers, too. And they always make a distinct comparison between us and our works. He hated that. When I left high school, he was making his own identity and achieving his own stars. As we grew older, we made a pack that we will both go into Nursing so we can help mommy out financially and so mom and papa can finally retire and rest. I am one year waysfrom that dream. Long has three more years to go. But I told him i will support him all the way.
I realized how I miss just having a great time with my siblings especially with Long. I always baby my little brother LA that is why he's close to me. I miss just having a good laugh or a long talk with them. I think, this was some kind of a wake up call for me to cherich my siblings. I have been missing a lot. Logn and I made plans to kick it on Friday. I am looking forward. We are tryign to build up our old sibling bond...just like the old times when we used to play barbies and GI Joes.
THINKING OF GLENN
Glenn is going to be back from Philippines on March 27 ( Tuesday). Actually, I am scared. We had a very harsh conversation before he left. I was hurt with words he said that I decided to not even call him while he was in the Philippines. I must say, I missed him dearly. But I don't think he feels the same way for me. I told Maff last night that he was on my mind. Maff reminded to think of the last conversation I hadd with Glenn so I wouldn't have to think of him. Sometimes, I get him off my mind easily. But most of the time, he's on my mind. Sometimes, I wished i never met him. I need to get him off my mind in order for me to concentrate on things I needed to do. I told Maff before that I am not stupid to let myself focus my whole world on Glenn. But how can you forget someone you loved dearly for for long years? It's like getting rid of a tattoo you had on your body. You can take it off with a laser but there will still be scars and bits of memories when you first got it. Should I hope for him to call me? I will not call him. I demand apology from him. Now, what if he does not call? Maybe then he foudn someone new again in PI like he did last year. I shoudl be used to these dramas by now. What do I do? Like the rest of the times, he had hurt my feelings, I will move on. He's on the only one running after me. And yes, sometimes, I listen to his stupid, " I-want-you-back" dialogues. Maybe, Maffi was right, I should not think of him because I have Spring Break in Las Vegas to look forward to. Besides, I have nothing to lose, I just realized, I am single.
posted by Pinay Freestyle at 8:53 PM
Saturday, March 24, 2001
MY LIFE....
I mentioned being a recipient for the Dean's Scholarship Award at school. Yesterday, They asked me to do 2 pages essay about where I have been to get to where I am now. I only had 30 minutes to do it. This is semi-autobiographical. I didn't have enough time to proofread it but here it is. It is something I really kept away from the public but I felt my feelings will be justified if I shared it with you.
Beating the Odds
" Some people dreams of success, other people wakes up and works hard at it." My life has been a bouquet of trials and tribulations. Sometimes, I succeed. Other times, I failed. But I think what matters most is my determination to get up, face the odds, and try again.
My family migrated from the Philippines. My mother was one of the one million Filipinos who went abroad to earn a better living for their families. I am the second out of five children. My older sister decided to get married early and she now have two kids, leaving me all the responsibilities she should had of helping my parents financially. In high school and fifteen years old, I decided to take a job in a fast food restaurant and at the same time, enrolled myself in the magnet/gifted program and took Honors classes. In my junior year of high school, I was a sales person in the local mall and still, I challenged my self in taking AP classes. I was also elected to be the secretary of the Student Body in LA High School, the president of the Filipino club, and a member and took leadership roles in different clubs in school such as Mock Trial team, Multicultural Club, Junior and Senior Council.
I volunteered my time into environment sponsored programs such as cleaning the beach, our own local high school, and the neighborhood around us. I was an afterschool tutor and mentor at Wilton Place School for 6th grade students. I also participated in a youth group at First United Methodist Church of LA. We had reach out programs for the homeless and the low income and our seniors. We presented Christmas for Kids, Thanksgiving for the homeless, and Valentine dinners for everybody. We also practiced long hours of dancing and singing for entertainment. This kept me spiritually and socially healthy. It was here where I learned t o give back to my community. It was here where I learned the joy of giving.
I wanted to attend to go to a university but my mother said she could not afford it. Instead, I decided to attend a local community college and got a certification as a vocational nurse 1998. That same year, my dad had a blood clot in the brain due to a stroke and had to go through a brain surgery. This left him permanently disabled with a right side weakness and had to walk with a cane. He cannot perform the job he used to do as a caregiver for mentally retarded children. My mother had to work more hours as a registered nurse just to make ends meet. I also had work to help out with the financial aspects in the house while I am also going to school for my registered nursing full time.
I thought we were just fine. We are not financially stable but we are surviving it from day to day.But just a year and a half after my dad suffered from a stroke, our house burned down due to some electrical problems . This left us with nothing. We had to go through legal battles in court, seek for a new shelter and start a new. I had to sacrifice almost everythign for my family's sake. Just for them to be in comfort. I remembered crying and questioning the Lord for everything during those moments. I mean, was he testing my faith in Him? Was he testing me how much strength I had with these struggles I had to face? I felt so weak inside and out. This was also the tiem I realized who really were my friends. I also I felt sorry for my mom. Her hard-earned paychecks to buy a house, in a quick snap of a finger, became ashes.
It has only been past a year since all these happened. We built a new house with the help of our family, friends, and our community. I have one more year to finish up my Associate’s Degree in Science and Arts. Like my mom, I yearn to be a registered nurse. But if things go as I plan, I really want to pursue my Bachelor’s Degree in Science and Biology and eventually go to Medical School to be a doctor. I wanted to be in the medical field because it is important for me to help other people. The people around me kept me strong and embraced me with open arms. When I become a full pledge nurse or a doctor, I want to be able to return and to give the same kind of service, generosity, and open arms to them. Life, for me, has been a tough storm filled with rains, thunders, and lightning. But after every storm, there is a rainbow and the sun will shine. That is what is keeping me full of hopes and full of dreams. As they say, " Believing is a magic that makes a dream come true." I just believe I can make it and I will.I face eahc day with optimism, hope and with a lot of questions of "why's." I will never know the answer but I will probably surive it all fromwhere I have been through. And like others, I dream of success. But you know what, I also wake up everyday and work very hard at it.
Okay , let me know what you think. It's quiet sad and all.
posted by Pinay Freestyle at 8:00 AM
Friday, March 23, 2001
HOME ALONE and BORED
School sucks today.That black guy kept reminding me, " I am still waiting for our date." " What date?" I never asked for a date. Eww...I decided I am really going avoid him. He's scares me. I saw OJ today. He asked me what I was doing after our class. I said I was supposed to go to the previous university I used to go make sure they sent my transcripts because Mila ( she's the bitchy secretary in the Department of Nursing office at school~~I hate her with a passion!) is bugging why she does not have any of my transcripts yet. OJ was kind of disappointed. I asked, "Why, are you planning to go out today?" Oj said, " I was wondering if you wanted to go out with me today." I really can't because Joy-joy kept bugging me today because they are trying to figure out their unknowns ( this is when you are given an unknown bacteria in Microbiology and you have to do series of tests to figure out what bacteria do you have. One unknown is usually worth 50 points and takes about three weeks to go through the whole process) and she's having a hard time. So she was screaming my name across the hall with about 100 students practically knowing who I was. She asked me if I can help her out with the unknown. I was hesitating but she begged so I stayed and help her out. We got it done in about an hour. I left OJ though. I feel bad.
We (Joy and I) went to Monterey Park ( San Gabriel Valley by Cal Sate LA) to get a "traditional Chinese breakfast, " according to Joy-joy. We went to this restaurant close to PHo ( this Vietnamese restaurant I used to go with my brother every time we go racing at Speedway Racing Track).I think I was the only non-Chinese there. But I don't think they noticed because I have chinky eyes. Plus, I didn't have to say anything Joy was blabbing her mouth, ordering here and there, talking in her native tongue. I miss Joy. I don't have her for any class anymore. Joy was a chemistry major at UC san Diego but she got into the wrong crowd (it's alogn story!)that they kicked her out of UC System. That is why we are targeting USC right now. I used to have her Biology 20. We bonded so much in Bio because she used to scratch me with her elbow whenever we disect specimen like cats and human brains and all that and we don't want the formaldehyde (formaline - this is the one injected to dead human bodies..eeww) to even get near our body. I miss talking to her. We talked about our lives today. Her exBF gave her a Tiffany & Co. Ring and bracelet and he was asking Joy to marry him. Joy hates it because they guy is kissing up to her whole family and that even adds more to the pressure. She just wants to be single right now. Joy is so hyper and funny. She is not your typical shy Chinese girl. She's actually the opposite....loud and wild! She asked me about Glenn. I told her I hate Glenn but I miss him,too. She asked me if OJ liked me. I have no idea. When Joy brought up Glenn, I missed him again. Rrr.....Erase..erase....I don't want to think of him.
I talked to Ate Ral about sex. She just got married and she just did it. And she's pregnant! Whoa. I know. I was shocked too. I told her how lucky I was because I used to do it with Glenn a lot. I am just relieved I am currently on "celebacy." Okay, I lied....maybe not..hehehe no seriously, the last time I did it with was with....*Inch* You know who you are.He's from UC Irvine.... Hey it was not a one night thing. We dated for ahm, 6 months. We mutually decided NOT to see each other anymore. It's a long story. But ate Ral just barely did it and she's already pregnant. Boy, oh boy, I just realized how my Lord took really good care of me and reminded me to be cautious. For the first time, there was one reason I am happy about this whole parting issue with Glenn. I am currenlt celebating!!! hahaha LOL Enough of these. We can talk about this forever!
Anywayz, I have to go to work tonight though. But work is not stressing me out. Being a nurse and taking graveyard shifts on a Med-Surg unit, is not as difficult as others think. Most of my patients are knocked out. My co-workers keeps feeding me with food until I'm stuff. Plus, we have internet access there. But here's the good part, the supervisor is my friend and she's usually easy on me. hehehe LOL. This is life and I love it.
Glenn, I miss you. I wish you can read this right now. Think of me, Dream of me, Miss me.
posted by Pinay Freestyle at 2:50 PM
Thursday, March 22, 2001
I am mentally tired. My mind is just too overloaded of too much information. And teh bad thing is, I have to absorb more. School is stressing me out. My Registered Nursing classes are practically killing me. I have to finish four books within 2 weeks time and I should know all its contents from front cover to back cover. And I have not even started.
Professor Mendez is getting irritating. He keeps reminding us more papers are due and we're all having panic attacks in the class. What's even worse is I have him for two classes. That means, I have double the load and doubel the anxiety. Sheila and I will actually be going to the Los Angeles Central Library in downtown LA tomorrow to study our butts off and get some of the works done. I actually started the papers he required us to do.
To add to that, I just had two tests today. I am pretty confident I A's both of them. I should...I stayed up until two in the morning memorizing and reading my books. I deserved that A. Yes, I am a nerd and I am proud of it. Please do not say anything negative, Steve or Joy-joy. But the struggle does not stop there. I have midterms on Monday and Wedensday next week and I have tons of papers due. And I just realized, I have to do about 5 or 6 term papers. There goes my school life for the rest of the semester. I am practically going to sleep with my books in order for me to get everything done. This is what I get for takign up 21 units. I have no idea what I was thinking why I took that much load. Hopefully, it will all pay off. Thank you for makign me survive school pressures, Sheila. I owe you a lot. =)
I'm glad Joy perfected both unknowns for Microbiology. I am proud of you, Joy. She said she'll treat me out. Wheee....Joy's taking me out to eat. hehehe. Thank you joy. I'll let you know when I am available. hehehe. It feels good to help someoen out achieve somethign as hard as Microbiology. I'll try to help Sheila out to figure out her unknown,too.
That's my school life. It's not somethign that will entertain you but I figured, you might find it a bit interesting.
Okay. Ciao.
posted by Pinay Freestyle at 5:19 PM
Tuesday, March 27, 2001
special shout out to MAFF
Yey...you're reading my blogs in Vegas!! Whoa! Thank you for always being my number one fan! You got my back, too. Hey, get to work now and stop chatting online. For once, finish some of your paper works before I burn you out and tell your boss you're always online. hahahaah LOL. Just kidding. Like your boss cares! LOL. I miss you, girl. One more week and we'll go guys hunting....if you know what I mean! I'll see you soon. Hugs and kisses to Alyssa.
posted by Pinay Freestyle at 3:00 PM
MYSTERY CALLER
I was in the midst of studying around 10 -11 pm last night when my little sis Kring said I have a phone call. "It's a guy and he thinks I am you. Please tell him I am not you," she added. Who would call me at this time when I reminded all my friends I will be busy doing my school committments? And this guy is getting on my sister's nerve. So I uttered, " Hello.." He responded, "Hello, BE, it's me." It's you? Who is this guy? He sounds so different. "It's me, BE." BE....The only guy who calls me "BE" is Glenn.
And guess who called me overseas from all the way in the Philippines? Yes,sure enough, it was Glenn ( the love of my life and the cad who also tore my heart out into bits and pieces). Supposedly, he was going home today, March 27, 2001 but there were not available flights at the time he wanted because it was all fully booked. So he said, he will be back on March 31st. Frankly, I am still shocked. I don't know whether I should be happy or not. I knew he was in the Philippines because I hear the people from the background speaking "Ilocano" ( one of the native dialects from Glenn's province---Ilocos Norte). Plus, I suppose, Glenn was the only English speaking person there. Okay, I was thinking, " what does he want from me this time?" I tried to be cold and arrogant. I asked him what made him call me when he practically pushed me away the last time we talked.
For those who didn't know what happened, here's a recap, before Glenn left to PI, after Valentines and our supposedly 4th year anniversary, I asked him what he felt for me. We've been friends for couple of months after he traded me for another girl who also "used" him. I don't know what I did wrong to him but he blurted, " you want to know what I feel for you, Len? I DON'T KNOW what I feel for you. I DON'T KNOW if I still feel the same for you. It's just everything changed about US. I don't mean US together but US ...." I am clueless to what he meant by US. Was he referring US together or US apart? I have no idea. I asked him so many questions from that conversation. "Do you love me? Wha do you feel for me? I am thinking of giving US a second chance, what do you think?" were just some of them. Prior to that incident, he mentioned he loved me and no one loved him like I loved him and that he couldn't life a day without me. Then all these mushy stuff lead to " I DON'T KNOW what I feel for you." I think what really made me feel unwanted was when he told me he did not know if he even loved me. One thing that Glenn kept assuring me eversince we started going out, was he loved me dearly. If there was one thing I loved about Glenn, it was his consistency of letting me know he loves me --- 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, he loved me. To hear him say that he did not know what he felt for me directly without feeling any dash of emotions, was like slicing me with a sharp knife and penetrating through the deep layers of my skin and blood is just gushing out from everywhere. I have never felt that much twinge and sorrow inside of me. The person whose shortcomings I tolerated, whose mistakes and "misbehaviors" I forgave, and worse yet, uncondionally loved, just told me I am not a part of his life anymore. I wept lika a baby that night. All these painful emotions was almost killing me. I told Maff I'd rather be ran over by a truck than to handle this torment and misery . I was doing okay for about a month now, just tryign to take it all in one day at a time...functioning like a living zombie, just going with the flow. And then I get this phonecall from the asshole who broke my heart.
Frankly, I am still shocked. I don't know whether I should be happy or not. Yes, I admit, I was glad he called. I missed him. When I asked him why he called, he simply answered, " I missed you, it's driving me nuts over here." I hate it when he says he missed me. I don't know if he's pulling my leg or he's really serious. We had this short conversation lasting for about 30 - 40 minutes. I talked to his friends, they talked to me in Ilocano and I would respond in English. I understand it fairly but I can't speak it that fluently. Why is he introducing me to his cousins and friends there? Who was I to be introduced to them? I was a nobody to him, anyway. What is he trying to do now? Did he really missed me or was he getting bored there and decided, " I should make an overseas call to Len from my cell paying 30-35 pesos a minute (about $0.75 cents per minute) ?" I listened quietly to what he said. He was by the beach because they are trying to catch fishes from the fish pond so they can supply the market ( he has a fishing and shrimps industry pond there ). He said he was able to rebuild their house there that collapsed during the storm season which was the only reason why he went home.But he said he should be back soon. He asked me how I was doing. "Fine, I guess. and Busy, " I replied. He kept telling me he missed me. "Okay," I said. He asked again, "Why are so mean to me?" " I am not mean. I am just.... (paused) I am just tired," I said. Then before the recpetion went off, he said, "Len, Aishiteru" That was our code for "I love you." It was "I love you" in Japanese (Glenn speaks Japanese fluently.)
*sigh* He loves me? He does? He said so. Do I love him? I never stopped loving him. But it's not right for me to love him right now. There are a lot of things I want him to answer. I guess, I'll wait until he's back. But for the time being NOW, If you want to know what I am thinking, I have mixed emotions. But I'm smiling. *smiles*
*sigh* He missed me.
*smiles* He loves me.
OJ
OJ told me he was not courting that Mexican girl. He carried my heavy bag and all books today. Awww...and I told him about Glenn. Was that a bad move? OJ is so nice. He said he was going home to PI on May for vacation. He said he wished we could both go home together. He said he's almost sure he will go to Vegas with me for Spring Break. What if Glenn decides he will go to Vegas on Spring Break? Oh no! I am doomed! OJ completes my day right now. He, like Glenn, makes me smile. It's just we always have a great laugh every time we are together. He asked me to call him. I told him I lost his number. I really did. He was kind of mad at me because he remarked, "Maybe you have too many guys number that you have forgotten one of them is mines." I just laughed and apologized. He went with me to the student store today and waited half an hour to get my books. I tod you he's nice. He's such a gentledogg...I mean, gentleman. I wish he can read these. Oh no, on the other hand, I take that back. I don't think I will ever let him read this. I will not have the guts to face him and answer all his questions if he asked. I'll probably turn like a tomato! hehehe LOL
Well, that's all folks! Catch you later.
posted by Pinay Freestyle at 2:55 PM
Monday, March 26, 2001
Philippines
Eloi, one of my best friends I left from the Philippines from my "barkada" J-CRENNSS, just answered my email and she's actually reading my blogs! THANK YOU, ELOI. I miss you girl and Hang in there...You'll make that test next time. I 'll keep you in my prayers.
Can you believe it? My friends from the Philippines are reading this right now! Whoa...I love technology!
I went home to the Philippines last December for vacation with my whole family after being gone for almost ten years( Check this out, there was 6 of us who went home from my own family). It was weird going back home after a long period of absence. Everything changed for me. My extended family there is quite a mess especially on my father's side.They fight about little things but most especially about money. And they were making comments that "we (my siblings and I) changed," that we arre too "Amercanized." I don't know how they defined Americanized. I think they were expecting for us to be ALWAYS courteous...we are but see, we grew up here in the States and I have no idea what they want us to do. This particular uncle from my father's side really irritated me that instead of staying in the province for a longer period of time, I left and told my mom that I wanted to travel around the Philippines. The truth is, I couldn't tell my mom the truth. Besides, I didn't want to spoil their vacation.
I cried to my nanny Ate Mars before I left. I really felt sorry because I wanted to be with her and my cousin Hannah longer. But those people got on my nerves. They jumped into conclusion that I was this and that when the fact is they don't even know me. They have no right to judge me. They judge everything about me and my siblings especially me on my line of work. Being a nurse...what do they care about my profession? I chose to be what I am. Most of my cousins there are very high achievers. Some are physical therapists, certified public accountant, pre-med, Law, Computer Science. And supposedly, they are all working and getting paid good.To my uncle, I am just a lousy Nursign major. Look, my cousins and I are really close. I never even judge them but their parents cannot find something better to do but judge me and my integrity. So what if i was a nurse? I am sure I am getting paid more than what their children are paid. I am very humble with what I earn. It is money earned from sweat and sleepless nights. Besides, I love what I am doing. But these people who have nothing else to do with their life need to make use of their hours productively rather than yatting negative stuff about me and my family.
One more thing that made me feel disappointed while I was there, was my friends. (Not you Eloi but the rest of the JCRENNSS). I don't know. Maybe things really changed for me. Before, I looked forward to going home there and seeing all of my friends there. One thing that really made me feel awkward was the fact that all they thought about was partying, doing drugs, getting drunk or getting laid. Don't get me wrong, I tried "some" of these stuff and I am a casual drinker, but I have long grew out of it. I mean, these people were college graduates and they have nothing in mind but "fun." They don't think about investing or getting ready to the future. I don't consider myself too mature for them. But at this point of time, I am thinking about my life in the future in general. I am starting to invest money on stocks, earn money in the banks, buy some properties. Eloi, I kind of felt left out when I was there. I was not that comfortable with them liek I used to. I don't know if it was me or them. I don't blame them. I have been gone for a while and we didn't grew up in the same environment.
If there was couple of people I really enjoyed being with was my own older sister, Ate Bel and my nephew Ichad and niece Ischa, my cousin Hannah, Ate Beng and Ate Mars. Ate Bel and Hannah made me realized I was lucky to be here in the States. They are havigna difficult life there right now. Both of them got married young. Ate Bel have a stable career and earning decent paychecks but they are still struggling from pay check to pay checks. yes, it's fun there and all but I don't know. I terribly miss Los Angeles while I was there. Now I can say LA is my home.
I was only there for three weeks.Philippines taught me a lot of things. I am planning to go back there in a year time. But I will make sure I have all these labels attached to my name to prove my uncles and aunties wrong. I want to show them I am somebody and I am capable of achieving something. I am so sick and tired of them makign these negative remarks against me and my family. As they say, " The greatest form of revenge is forgiveness and success." I forgave them. It's just I am emotionally hurt.
Thank you, Eloi for embracing me with open arms there. I can't wait to see you when you go here. I miss you. Keep in touch.
SCHOOL SUCKS
RRrr....I have all these deadlines to meet by April 2nd. I am getting pressured with school. I was looking forward to Spring Break and then all these paper works needed to be done. My english professor reminded me I have tons of things to do. And we should be thinking about term papers. To make it even worse, I have to take a Registered Nursing 50 Accrediated Test from the National League of Nursing before April 9 and the professor only gave us the necessary materials last week. In fatc, we onyl started our class last week. I hate how they rush us to do things when it was all their fault why we are running late on deadlines. Plus, these ar ento the only classes I have to attend to. I mhave midterms other classes, too you know and most of the are Sciences. That means less work and more hours of studying. And for the time being, I have to give up my social life. Rrrr. Oh well, so much blabbing. I got to start hitting the books now.
Oh yeah, Thanks for the peptalk today, Sheila. I really appreciate it. And please stop calling me " Seaweed." Joy-joy, you started this!!!
posted by Pinay Freestyle at 6:15 PM
Sunday, March 25, 2001
I forgot to tell you that I got a mail from my ex boyfriend Ziggy ( he was my ex-boyfriend from fiveyears ago). He's in jail for so many various reasons. Why am I not surprise? I don't know why I even fell for his loser butt. I guess, I really was stupid then. My question is, what does he want from me now? He's my friend and everything. I remained good friends with my exes but I just don't understand why they had me then and they messed up one and and then couple years after, I hear this, " I-realized- it was-you-I-wanted" dialogue. Ewww...I'm sick and tired with the same drama. Do I want them back? Hell no....except if it's *Inch* (Right maff?heheh LOL). I don't know why they realized it too late that it was me all along. Is this what they call "bad karma?"
posted by Pinay Freestyle at 9:00 PM
BONDING: GI JOES AND BARBIES...
Saturday was a bonding day for me and my two brothers. Actually, we dropped off ate Ral by UC Riverside to her aunt's house. The place was near Ontario Mills ( one of the biggest malls here in Southern California) so my brother and LA and I decided to dropped by the mall. We were there around 11 am and hardly anyone was there. Funny thing is, we lost track of time and we probably decided to go home around 5 pm.
My brother NJ and I are three years apart. We used to be close.We used to play a lot when we were young. Funny thing is, I never played with my babrbies. In fact, I hate dolls. I always whined why my brother Long gets to have GI Joes and remote controlled cars and I getthe Barbies. We often used my older sister's Baribie collection where we take the body parts off and pretend it's the GI Joe's slave. Other times, we would just play video games for hours until we finish the whole game. We shop a lot together. My brother Long is one of those guys who wouldn't mind shopping with a girl. We both have these love for clothes.We watch movies a lot before. We are both spontaneous. If we decide to go out and shop even if it was 7 int he morning, we'll go ahead and do it.We drink together. I hang around with his friends. I tell him abotu the love of my life Glenn. He tells me about girls he likes or girls who likes him. He was the first one one who knew I got into Jefrox. But when we start arguing and fighting, it seemed like there's worldwar III because we are both doing our wrestling and karate moves on each other. I miss the old times. I miss the times when we would tell our ghost stories or play poker during rainy days. I miss it when I teach him how to play the piano and I hate it how he seemed to be better than me when he plays now. My point is, why does it seemed like we're drifting apart from each other?
I guess, we still are still close but we kind of drifted apart from each other the past year. I don't know why. Maybe, he is now an adult and he thinks he can stand on his own feet. I, being his older sister, always remind him to keep his feet grounded on the ground. I know he has been through a lot the past year. He doesn't tell me in particular but I think I know him so well that I can pinpoint whether he's hurting or not.And vice versa. I knew he noticed the times when my eyes are teary and swollen that I and Glenn got into a fight. But he remained quiet. I guess, that was his way of "not bugging me." It's those quiet and fun moments that I miss. Lately, we have been on separate ways. We had this majoy huge fight last year that I decided to avoid him because he mentioned soemthing that really hurt me. We never discussed it. We left it unsaid.
Yesterday, when we went shopping, we got to do things together again. It's strange how we always get along fine with regards to shopping. He knew what brands I like and what fashion I am into. In reverse, I knew what clothes he was looking for. LA, my youngest brother, was with us and he was having fun just hanging around. We playes some games at Gamesworks, we ate until we were stuffed and we couldn't get out of our chairs! It was a pure bonding day. On our way home from Ontario going to back to Los Angeles, we talked about his friends and my friends. He mentioned that Michelles mentioned to him that "I was smart." When we were young, he hated livign under my shadows. In high school, all the teachers I had, were his teachers, too. And they always make a distinct comparison between us and our works. He hated that. When I left high school, he was making his own identity and achieving his own stars. As we grew older, we made a pack that we will both go into Nursing so we can help mommy out financially and so mom and papa can finally retire and rest. I am one year waysfrom that dream. Long has three more years to go. But I told him i will support him all the way.
I realized how I miss just having a great time with my siblings especially with Long. I always baby my little brother LA that is why he's close to me. I miss just having a good laugh or a long talk with them. I think, this was some kind of a wake up call for me to cherich my siblings. I have been missing a lot. Logn and I made plans to kick it on Friday. I am looking forward. We are tryign to build up our old sibling bond...just like the old times when we used to play barbies and GI Joes.
THINKING OF GLENN
Glenn is going to be back from Philippines on March 27 ( Tuesday). Actually, I am scared. We had a very harsh conversation before he left. I was hurt with words he said that I decided to not even call him while he was in the Philippines. I must say, I missed him dearly. But I don't think he feels the same way for me. I told Maff last night that he was on my mind. Maff reminded to think of the last conversation I hadd with Glenn so I wouldn't have to think of him. Sometimes, I get him off my mind easily. But most of the time, he's on my mind. Sometimes, I wished i never met him. I need to get him off my mind in order for me to concentrate on things I needed to do. I told Maff before that I am not stupid to let myself focus my whole world on Glenn. But how can you forget someone you loved dearly for for long years? It's like getting rid of a tattoo you had on your body. You can take it off with a laser but there will still be scars and bits of memories when you first got it. Should I hope for him to call me? I will not call him. I demand apology from him. Now, what if he does not call? Maybe then he foudn someone new again in PI like he did last year. I shoudl be used to these dramas by now. What do I do? Like the rest of the times, he had hurt my feelings, I will move on. He's on the only one running after me. And yes, sometimes, I listen to his stupid, " I-want-you-back" dialogues. Maybe, Maffi was right, I should not think of him because I have Spring Break in Las Vegas to look forward to. Besides, I have nothing to lose, I just realized, I am single.
posted by Pinay Freestyle at 8:53 PM
Saturday, March 24, 2001
MY LIFE....
I mentioned being a recipient for the Dean's Scholarship Award at school. Yesterday, They asked me to do 2 pages essay about where I have been to get to where I am now. I only had 30 minutes to do it. This is semi-autobiographical. I didn't have enough time to proofread it but here it is. It is something I really kept away from the public but I felt my feelings will be justified if I shared it with you.
Beating the Odds
" Some people dreams of success, other people wakes up and works hard at it." My life has been a bouquet of trials and tribulations. Sometimes, I succeed. Other times, I failed. But I think what matters most is my determination to get up, face the odds, and try again.
My family migrated from the Philippines. My mother was one of the one million Filipinos who went abroad to earn a better living for their families. I am the second out of five children. My older sister decided to get married early and she now have two kids, leaving me all the responsibilities she should had of helping my parents financially. In high school and fifteen years old, I decided to take a job in a fast food restaurant and at the same time, enrolled myself in the magnet/gifted program and took Honors classes. In my junior year of high school, I was a sales person in the local mall and still, I challenged my self in taking AP classes. I was also elected to be the secretary of the Student Body in LA High School, the president of the Filipino club, and a member and took leadership roles in different clubs in school such as Mock Trial team, Multicultural Club, Junior and Senior Council.
I volunteered my time into environment sponsored programs such as cleaning the beach, our own local high school, and the neighborhood around us. I was an afterschool tutor and mentor at Wilton Place School for 6th grade students. I also participated in a youth group at First United Methodist Church of LA. We had reach out programs for the homeless and the low income and our seniors. We presented Christmas for Kids, Thanksgiving for the homeless, and Valentine dinners for everybody. We also practiced long hours of dancing and singing for entertainment. This kept me spiritually and socially healthy. It was here where I learned t o give back to my community. It was here where I learned the joy of giving.
I wanted to attend to go to a university but my mother said she could not afford it. Instead, I decided to attend a local community college and got a certification as a vocational nurse 1998. That same year, my dad had a blood clot in the brain due to a stroke and had to go through a brain surgery. This left him permanently disabled with a right side weakness and had to walk with a cane. He cannot perform the job he used to do as a caregiver for mentally retarded children. My mother had to work more hours as a registered nurse just to make ends meet. I also had work to help out with the financial aspects in the house while I am also going to school for my registered nursing full time.
I thought we were just fine. We are not financially stable but we are surviving it from day to day.But just a year and a half after my dad suffered from a stroke, our house burned down due to some electrical problems . This left us with nothing. We had to go through legal battles in court, seek for a new shelter and start a new. I had to sacrifice almost everythign for my family's sake. Just for them to be in comfort. I remembered crying and questioning the Lord for everything during those moments. I mean, was he testing my faith in Him? Was he testing me how much strength I had with these struggles I had to face? I felt so weak inside and out. This was also the tiem I realized who really were my friends. I also I felt sorry for my mom. Her hard-earned paychecks to buy a house, in a quick snap of a finger, became ashes.
It has only been past a year since all these happened. We built a new house with the help of our family, friends, and our community. I have one more year to finish up my Associate’s Degree in Science and Arts. Like my mom, I yearn to be a registered nurse. But if things go as I plan, I really want to pursue my Bachelor’s Degree in Science and Biology and eventually go to Medical School to be a doctor. I wanted to be in the medical field because it is important for me to help other people. The people around me kept me strong and embraced me with open arms. When I become a full pledge nurse or a doctor, I want to be able to return and to give the same kind of service, generosity, and open arms to them. Life, for me, has been a tough storm filled with rains, thunders, and lightning. But after every storm, there is a rainbow and the sun will shine. That is what is keeping me full of hopes and full of dreams. As they say, " Believing is a magic that makes a dream come true." I just believe I can make it and I will.I face eahc day with optimism, hope and with a lot of questions of "why's." I will never know the answer but I will probably surive it all fromwhere I have been through. And like others, I dream of success. But you know what, I also wake up everyday and work very hard at it.
Okay , let me know what you think. It's quiet sad and all.
posted by Pinay Freestyle at 8:00 AM
Friday, March 23, 2001
HOME ALONE and BORED
School sucks today.That black guy kept reminding me, " I am still waiting for our date." " What date?" I never asked for a date. Eww...I decided I am really going avoid him. He's scares me. I saw OJ today. He asked me what I was doing after our class. I said I was supposed to go to the previous university I used to go make sure they sent my transcripts because Mila ( she's the bitchy secretary in the Department of Nursing office at school~~I hate her with a passion!) is bugging why she does not have any of my transcripts yet. OJ was kind of disappointed. I asked, "Why, are you planning to go out today?" Oj said, " I was wondering if you wanted to go out with me today." I really can't because Joy-joy kept bugging me today because they are trying to figure out their unknowns ( this is when you are given an unknown bacteria in Microbiology and you have to do series of tests to figure out what bacteria do you have. One unknown is usually worth 50 points and takes about three weeks to go through the whole process) and she's having a hard time. So she was screaming my name across the hall with about 100 students practically knowing who I was. She asked me if I can help her out with the unknown. I was hesitating but she begged so I stayed and help her out. We got it done in about an hour. I left OJ though. I feel bad.
We (Joy and I) went to Monterey Park ( San Gabriel Valley by Cal Sate LA) to get a "traditional Chinese breakfast, " according to Joy-joy. We went to this restaurant close to PHo ( this Vietnamese restaurant I used to go with my brother every time we go racing at Speedway Racing Track).I think I was the only non-Chinese there. But I don't think they noticed because I have chinky eyes. Plus, I didn't have to say anything Joy was blabbing her mouth, ordering here and there, talking in her native tongue. I miss Joy. I don't have her for any class anymore. Joy was a chemistry major at UC san Diego but she got into the wrong crowd (it's alogn story!)that they kicked her out of UC System. That is why we are targeting USC right now. I used to have her Biology 20. We bonded so much in Bio because she used to scratch me with her elbow whenever we disect specimen like cats and human brains and all that and we don't want the formaldehyde (formaline - this is the one injected to dead human bodies..eeww) to even get near our body. I miss talking to her. We talked about our lives today. Her exBF gave her a Tiffany & Co. Ring and bracelet and he was asking Joy to marry him. Joy hates it because they guy is kissing up to her whole family and that even adds more to the pressure. She just wants to be single right now. Joy is so hyper and funny. She is not your typical shy Chinese girl. She's actually the opposite....loud and wild! She asked me about Glenn. I told her I hate Glenn but I miss him,too. She asked me if OJ liked me. I have no idea. When Joy brought up Glenn, I missed him again. Rrr.....Erase..erase....I don't want to think of him.
I talked to Ate Ral about sex. She just got married and she just did it. And she's pregnant! Whoa. I know. I was shocked too. I told her how lucky I was because I used to do it with Glenn a lot. I am just relieved I am currently on "celebacy." Okay, I lied....maybe not..hehehe no seriously, the last time I did it with was with....*Inch* You know who you are.He's from UC Irvine.... Hey it was not a one night thing. We dated for ahm, 6 months. We mutually decided NOT to see each other anymore. It's a long story. But ate Ral just barely did it and she's already pregnant. Boy, oh boy, I just realized how my Lord took really good care of me and reminded me to be cautious. For the first time, there was one reason I am happy about this whole parting issue with Glenn. I am currenlt celebating!!! hahaha LOL Enough of these. We can talk about this forever!
Anywayz, I have to go to work tonight though. But work is not stressing me out. Being a nurse and taking graveyard shifts on a Med-Surg unit, is not as difficult as others think. Most of my patients are knocked out. My co-workers keeps feeding me with food until I'm stuff. Plus, we have internet access there. But here's the good part, the supervisor is my friend and she's usually easy on me. hehehe LOL. This is life and I love it.
Glenn, I miss you. I wish you can read this right now. Think of me, Dream of me, Miss me.
posted by Pinay Freestyle at 2:50 PM
Thursday, March 22, 2001
posted by pinay freestyle @ 6:28 PM
[[ 0 comments ]]
I AM A NERD! and I am proud of it!
I am officiallly a nerd! I got a memo from my school that I am one of their honoree for the Dean's List and President List Awards. And this can only be achieved by having a 3.5 to 4.0 average. I am slo a recipient of the Dean's Scholarship Award. I feel proud. You know how people say, " Some people dreams of success. Other people wakes up and works hard at it." That's me. I am darn proud of it because I spent barrel of tears, sweat, and endless nights of no rest and no sleep to get to where I am now. I sacrificed so many things just to be where I am at now. Thank you, Lord. You said, "Do your best, and I'll take care of the rest." I give you all the honor, my Father." My mom read the memo and I can see the joy in her eyes. She was almost teary. At least, she knows how much effort I put into everything I do. My dada was proud of his little girl. He's always like that. I hope I inspired my siblings.
Ate Ral just got back from her vacation in the Philippines yesterday. last night, we blabbed for hours...from 5 pm to 11 pm...I don't know. Think how many hour was that. I had leg cramps sitting on my carpet. So many surpises. I'm quite shocked. She got married there. I guess, I should be happy for her. But she's too young. Oh well, that's her decision.
Various things happened today. This black guy asked me out on a date..YuK. No, he's nice and everything. But I don't know. He seemed too aggressive for me. Besides, I never dated a black guy before. It's just I am very picky with guys. I just don't see myself with a black man.And it's not about the racial thing either. So please, do not judge me by that aspect. It's weird because eversince I got bac from the Philippines from my Christmas vacation, a lot of African American were asking for my number. One guy even asked me for my measurements. What in the hell was that? Why are these guys getting attracted to me or seemed interested in me all of the sudden? I don't find myself physically attractive. Yes, I do have a low self esteem eversince Glenn traded me for someone else. Why do you think I get scared every time somebody tries to court me? I just chicken out and I take the easy way out. In Psychology, they call it the negative reinforcement. I avoid things. I look for an escape because I am afraid to love.
Funny thing is, when the guy asked me out, he asked me infront of OJ. And OJ asked me if that guy was asking me out on date. I said he just wanted to eat out. And told me to remind him when am I available. But eww. I won't go. Then OJ acted a bit jealous. I still want to asked him if he liked me. I just don't have the balls to do it. I hate it. After class, OJ and I decided to go online at the Digital Imaging Lab because he had weight lifting class and I have a RN 50 class. He kept asking me for my email address. I told him to just call me at home or my cell if he wants to talk to me. And he goes, " No I want your email address so I can email you a love letter." I said, "What?" Love letter? Did he just say a love letter? And I asked him again, " What are you talking about?" and he just changed the topic. Instead, he asked, " When are you leaving for Vegas? " Spring break, " I said, on " April 9th to the 15th." he asked if he can come. I was actually thinking about it when he asked me that. Should I let him come? If he comes, I can't flirt with any other guys...hehehe or we can be "romantic" on Vegas...if you know what I mean. heheh LOL. Well, I'm nice so I said," Sure." So I think I am going with OJ and Janet, Sheila, Mickey, Armstrong, Andrea, Wowie to Vegas to meet my bestfriend Maff there. Should I see Glenn's brother there? What if Glenn finds ou I was in Vegas on Soring break? He will probably go paranoid and he'll ask his brother to chaperone me!! EEWwww, NO! We have lots of things planned and I can't wait....but we'll see.
Originally, I plan to go to Waikiki, Hawaii and see Glenn there (he lives there now...int he Airforce Base) but he gave me an attitude before he left to Philippines that I got pissed off that I changed my entire plan of going to Hawaii for Spring break. I really should forget about him. He's making my life a living hell. I wa supposed to surprise him...but he ruined it. Maff and I wanted to go to New York but we realized it 's too cold there at this time of the year according to the weather forecasts plu ssoemthign "bad" happened...(care to talk about it Maff?) so never mind. Maybe in the summer time on my birthday. maff asked me to go with her to Chicago? Are you crazy? i thopught you wanted to go to NY? What's there In Chicago now? Uhuh....I know...but I won't tell you. LOL.
I miss Glenn right now. I wonder if he even thinks of me. He'll be back on March 27. I've been longing to call him overseas but I've been forcing myself NOT to because he'll start having all these ego trips again. He thinks I still love him every time I call him. But guess what, for the past two months and a half, he's the one calling me. I know he wants me back. But right now, I am not stupid to go back to him. I still love him but not as much as I loved him then. Plus, he really made me miserable. Now, talk about karma. Spring break in Vegas, I am looking forward. And I just hope and cross my fingers that Glenn FINDS out about it. I can't wait to hear his reaction.
posted by Pinay Freestyle at 8:31 PM
I am officiallly a nerd! I got a memo from my school that I am one of their honoree for the Dean's List and President List Awards. And this can only be achieved by having a 3.5 to 4.0 average. I am slo a recipient of the Dean's Scholarship Award. I feel proud. You know how people say, " Some people dreams of success. Other people wakes up and works hard at it." That's me. I am darn proud of it because I spent barrel of tears, sweat, and endless nights of no rest and no sleep to get to where I am now. I sacrificed so many things just to be where I am at now. Thank you, Lord. You said, "Do your best, and I'll take care of the rest." I give you all the honor, my Father." My mom read the memo and I can see the joy in her eyes. She was almost teary. At least, she knows how much effort I put into everything I do. My dada was proud of his little girl. He's always like that. I hope I inspired my siblings.
Ate Ral just got back from her vacation in the Philippines yesterday. last night, we blabbed for hours...from 5 pm to 11 pm...I don't know. Think how many hour was that. I had leg cramps sitting on my carpet. So many surpises. I'm quite shocked. She got married there. I guess, I should be happy for her. But she's too young. Oh well, that's her decision.
Various things happened today. This black guy asked me out on a date..YuK. No, he's nice and everything. But I don't know. He seemed too aggressive for me. Besides, I never dated a black guy before. It's just I am very picky with guys. I just don't see myself with a black man.And it's not about the racial thing either. So please, do not judge me by that aspect. It's weird because eversince I got bac from the Philippines from my Christmas vacation, a lot of African American were asking for my number. One guy even asked me for my measurements. What in the hell was that? Why are these guys getting attracted to me or seemed interested in me all of the sudden? I don't find myself physically attractive. Yes, I do have a low self esteem eversince Glenn traded me for someone else. Why do you think I get scared every time somebody tries to court me? I just chicken out and I take the easy way out. In Psychology, they call it the negative reinforcement. I avoid things. I look for an escape because I am afraid to love.
Funny thing is, when the guy asked me out, he asked me infront of OJ. And OJ asked me if that guy was asking me out on date. I said he just wanted to eat out. And told me to remind him when am I available. But eww. I won't go. Then OJ acted a bit jealous. I still want to asked him if he liked me. I just don't have the balls to do it. I hate it. After class, OJ and I decided to go online at the Digital Imaging Lab because he had weight lifting class and I have a RN 50 class. He kept asking me for my email address. I told him to just call me at home or my cell if he wants to talk to me. And he goes, " No I want your email address so I can email you a love letter." I said, "What?" Love letter? Did he just say a love letter? And I asked him again, " What are you talking about?" and he just changed the topic. Instead, he asked, " When are you leaving for Vegas? " Spring break, " I said, on " April 9th to the 15th." he asked if he can come. I was actually thinking about it when he asked me that. Should I let him come? If he comes, I can't flirt with any other guys...hehehe or we can be "romantic" on Vegas...if you know what I mean. heheh LOL. Well, I'm nice so I said," Sure." So I think I am going with OJ and Janet, Sheila, Mickey, Armstrong, Andrea, Wowie to Vegas to meet my bestfriend Maff there. Should I see Glenn's brother there? What if Glenn finds ou I was in Vegas on Soring break? He will probably go paranoid and he'll ask his brother to chaperone me!! EEWwww, NO! We have lots of things planned and I can't wait....but we'll see.
Originally, I plan to go to Waikiki, Hawaii and see Glenn there (he lives there now...int he Airforce Base) but he gave me an attitude before he left to Philippines that I got pissed off that I changed my entire plan of going to Hawaii for Spring break. I really should forget about him. He's making my life a living hell. I wa supposed to surprise him...but he ruined it. Maff and I wanted to go to New York but we realized it 's too cold there at this time of the year according to the weather forecasts plu ssoemthign "bad" happened...(care to talk about it Maff?) so never mind. Maybe in the summer time on my birthday. maff asked me to go with her to Chicago? Are you crazy? i thopught you wanted to go to NY? What's there In Chicago now? Uhuh....I know...but I won't tell you. LOL.
I miss Glenn right now. I wonder if he even thinks of me. He'll be back on March 27. I've been longing to call him overseas but I've been forcing myself NOT to because he'll start having all these ego trips again. He thinks I still love him every time I call him. But guess what, for the past two months and a half, he's the one calling me. I know he wants me back. But right now, I am not stupid to go back to him. I still love him but not as much as I loved him then. Plus, he really made me miserable. Now, talk about karma. Spring break in Vegas, I am looking forward. And I just hope and cross my fingers that Glenn FINDS out about it. I can't wait to hear his reaction.
posted by Pinay Freestyle at 8:31 PM
posted by pinay freestyle @ 6:25 PM
[[ 0 comments ]]
March 22, 2001
NECKLACE: He likes me? he likes me not?
I don't know if I told you about "O.J." (that's our code for him). Well, he's one of my friend's from school. He's a computer Science major. He's half filipino and half Chinese. He's aslo graduating soom like me. Actually, I have him for a class. But ahm,, he asked me out on a date couple weeks ago and I went thinking that it was a friendly date and he didn't like me anyway. On the date, he kept asking questions like, why was I single, or why I didn't have a bf at the moment? Things liek a regular guy friend would not dare to ask. But since I am a very open person, I told him that Glenn broke my heart and I am too scared to fall in love again. So just to be on the safe side, I chose to be single. But I said, if a guy comes a long and sweeps me off my feet, why not? We talked about so many things that day. We went out to eat breakfast together and he actually paid for everything...then we went to this park with a lake in the middle and we walked around the lake. We talked for endless hours.We went to this gift shop and he asked me what I wanted so he can buy it for me, I guess...I said, nothing. Well... I thought that was the end of that.
Surprisingly, he got my humber from one of my closest guy friends and he's calling me now. At school, we're always together during our break time. I mean, I see him almost everyday and I spent tiem with him almost everyday. The following weekend, he asked me if I can go with him at this electronic store because he wanted to have a second opinion because I think he was buying a new sound system. I went with him. We had fun that day. We were cracking up jokes here and there. I always have fun when I am with him. I think he is, too, when he's with me, I hope!
Then, my friend "Bading" , who's also OJ' s close friend, called me one day and supposedly, OJ told him we have been hanging out together. I wasn't actually planning to tell Bading that OJ and I were hangign around but he was confronting me and wanted me to tell him about it. So I did. But he was jokingly makign comment like..."Uhuh, so what have you been doing with OJ? " or " How come you never take me with you gusy when you guys are going out?"I don't know!!! He's never there, anywayz.But, Badign was givign this whole OJ thing a different meaning. I never thought of it that way, though.
I thougjt OJ liked this Mexican girl in our class because he wold always check out her big butt. LOL. I mean, he would always tell me how her butt was empty. And I would always tell OJ that if he liked that girl,make his move now. He started talkign to her and taking her to her class. I assummed he really liked her. But having spent time with him the past few weeks, he's always a gentleman. He treats the girl like a queen. So I was also thinking, maybe he was just being nice. I really don't know.
Then, the other day, after our class, OJ came up to me and asked me if I had a class. I said I have a RN Class and I'm taking an exma so I was kind of in a rush. He said he wanted to give me something. His brother juct came back from the Philippines for vacation and he told his brother ot buy him something. Then he took out those beaded necklace with two dolphins in the middle formign a heart. And he just handed it to me.
OJ: (giving me the necklace) Here ...it's for you.
Len: why, for what?
OJ: For you...I have to go...okay , I have a class..
I was standing there speechless. He left. I wanted to ask him what was the necklace for and why was he giving me a necklace when he only gave my other girl friends key chains? I stared at the necklace again. Yes, it was a heart and two dolphins. What's that supposed to mean? He didn't even explain himself. I've been thinking if I should ask him or not...I just don;t have the guts to do it. According to Bading and my other guyfriend Ron, "If a guys takes the time out to get you something...he must really like you."
My question is, does he(OJ) like me? Rrrr... I want to know. I am flattered and everything. But it's killing me. I was with him yesterday after lunch time at the quad during some AFFirmative Action Protest with Sheila and all we did was laugh until our stomach started hurting. He was hugging me, holdings, and askign me if we ate, and if I was okay...What the hell is that? Is he tyrign to say something or that was just his nature,...he's really nice?
RR...I want to know. Maybe, I will have the answer one of these days. I'll keep you posted.
posted by Pinay Freestyle at 5:21 AM
NECKLACE: He likes me? he likes me not?
I don't know if I told you about "O.J." (that's our code for him). Well, he's one of my friend's from school. He's a computer Science major. He's half filipino and half Chinese. He's aslo graduating soom like me. Actually, I have him for a class. But ahm,, he asked me out on a date couple weeks ago and I went thinking that it was a friendly date and he didn't like me anyway. On the date, he kept asking questions like, why was I single, or why I didn't have a bf at the moment? Things liek a regular guy friend would not dare to ask. But since I am a very open person, I told him that Glenn broke my heart and I am too scared to fall in love again. So just to be on the safe side, I chose to be single. But I said, if a guy comes a long and sweeps me off my feet, why not? We talked about so many things that day. We went out to eat breakfast together and he actually paid for everything...then we went to this park with a lake in the middle and we walked around the lake. We talked for endless hours.We went to this gift shop and he asked me what I wanted so he can buy it for me, I guess...I said, nothing. Well... I thought that was the end of that.
Surprisingly, he got my humber from one of my closest guy friends and he's calling me now. At school, we're always together during our break time. I mean, I see him almost everyday and I spent tiem with him almost everyday. The following weekend, he asked me if I can go with him at this electronic store because he wanted to have a second opinion because I think he was buying a new sound system. I went with him. We had fun that day. We were cracking up jokes here and there. I always have fun when I am with him. I think he is, too, when he's with me, I hope!
Then, my friend "Bading" , who's also OJ' s close friend, called me one day and supposedly, OJ told him we have been hanging out together. I wasn't actually planning to tell Bading that OJ and I were hangign around but he was confronting me and wanted me to tell him about it. So I did. But he was jokingly makign comment like..."Uhuh, so what have you been doing with OJ? " or " How come you never take me with you gusy when you guys are going out?"I don't know!!! He's never there, anywayz.But, Badign was givign this whole OJ thing a different meaning. I never thought of it that way, though.
I thougjt OJ liked this Mexican girl in our class because he wold always check out her big butt. LOL. I mean, he would always tell me how her butt was empty. And I would always tell OJ that if he liked that girl,make his move now. He started talkign to her and taking her to her class. I assummed he really liked her. But having spent time with him the past few weeks, he's always a gentleman. He treats the girl like a queen. So I was also thinking, maybe he was just being nice. I really don't know.
Then, the other day, after our class, OJ came up to me and asked me if I had a class. I said I have a RN Class and I'm taking an exma so I was kind of in a rush. He said he wanted to give me something. His brother juct came back from the Philippines for vacation and he told his brother ot buy him something. Then he took out those beaded necklace with two dolphins in the middle formign a heart. And he just handed it to me.
OJ: (giving me the necklace) Here ...it's for you.
Len: why, for what?
OJ: For you...I have to go...okay , I have a class..
I was standing there speechless. He left. I wanted to ask him what was the necklace for and why was he giving me a necklace when he only gave my other girl friends key chains? I stared at the necklace again. Yes, it was a heart and two dolphins. What's that supposed to mean? He didn't even explain himself. I've been thinking if I should ask him or not...I just don;t have the guts to do it. According to Bading and my other guyfriend Ron, "If a guys takes the time out to get you something...he must really like you."
My question is, does he(OJ) like me? Rrrr... I want to know. I am flattered and everything. But it's killing me. I was with him yesterday after lunch time at the quad during some AFFirmative Action Protest with Sheila and all we did was laugh until our stomach started hurting. He was hugging me, holdings, and askign me if we ate, and if I was okay...What the hell is that? Is he tyrign to say something or that was just his nature,...he's really nice?
RR...I want to know. Maybe, I will have the answer one of these days. I'll keep you posted.
posted by Pinay Freestyle at 5:21 AM
posted by pinay freestyle @ 6:24 PM
[[ 0 comments ]]
Tuesday, March 20, 2001
MY BEST FRIEND MAFF
I talked to my bestfriend Maff. I have no Idea if I told you about her. But well, we had this long talk yesterday and today about our lives...then and now. I was going through a lot of strains in my life lately and I'm having a difficult time dealing with the loneliness> I am just glad that Maff was there. So Maff, this one's for you. For the wonderful friendshipa nd I am looing forward for mor eyars to come. I can't wait to see you in Vegas in spring break. And please find me a doctor or a nurse....heheheh LOL
This was the exact email I sent her.
Dear Maff,
I knew you since 1994. I was feeling miserable because I thought I was getting old and to realized that I knew for such a long time, proves I AM OLD!!! hehehe. But anywayz, thank you for being my light for the past weeks. It meant a lot to me knowing I have a friend I can count on. I mean, we meet people everyday in our daily lives and we gain friendships in them but we never know when will this friendship fade.
For me, I can say I met a lot of people. I encountered different types of people everyday. I gain and lost some friendship. I have been through thick and thin,
through hell and back, through tears and smiles,
through loneliness and joy, through love and heartaches, through stupid guys and intelligent guys, through family problems, throuigh fake friends,
through friends who encouraged me
and friends who put me down...
through failure and success,
through frustrations and upsets,
through wins and losses,
through everything...
I don't know how I survived it all.
But I know for sure that I was confident to face it all because there was a friend who believed in me and stuck with me through it all...
and that was you.
Thank you for being the angel who keeps reminding me spread my wings and fly.
I really thank the Lord for you.
I want you know I am here for you always but I guess, most especially when the world seems to shut their doors on you. God loves you, and so do I. Please know you have a friend in me always.
FRIENDS FOREVER.
len
posted by Pinay Freestyle at 9:35 PM
MY BEST FRIEND MAFF
I talked to my bestfriend Maff. I have no Idea if I told you about her. But well, we had this long talk yesterday and today about our lives...then and now. I was going through a lot of strains in my life lately and I'm having a difficult time dealing with the loneliness> I am just glad that Maff was there. So Maff, this one's for you. For the wonderful friendshipa nd I am looing forward for mor eyars to come. I can't wait to see you in Vegas in spring break. And please find me a doctor or a nurse....heheheh LOL
This was the exact email I sent her.
Dear Maff,
I knew you since 1994. I was feeling miserable because I thought I was getting old and to realized that I knew for such a long time, proves I AM OLD!!! hehehe. But anywayz, thank you for being my light for the past weeks. It meant a lot to me knowing I have a friend I can count on. I mean, we meet people everyday in our daily lives and we gain friendships in them but we never know when will this friendship fade.
For me, I can say I met a lot of people. I encountered different types of people everyday. I gain and lost some friendship. I have been through thick and thin,
through hell and back, through tears and smiles,
through loneliness and joy, through love and heartaches, through stupid guys and intelligent guys, through family problems, throuigh fake friends,
through friends who encouraged me
and friends who put me down...
through failure and success,
through frustrations and upsets,
through wins and losses,
through everything...
I don't know how I survived it all.
But I know for sure that I was confident to face it all because there was a friend who believed in me and stuck with me through it all...
and that was you.
Thank you for being the angel who keeps reminding me spread my wings and fly.
I really thank the Lord for you.
I want you know I am here for you always but I guess, most especially when the world seems to shut their doors on you. God loves you, and so do I. Please know you have a friend in me always.
FRIENDS FOREVER.
len
posted by Pinay Freestyle at 9:35 PM
posted by pinay freestyle @ 6:23 PM
[[ 0 comments ]]