in the rain poured, chilly breezed, and flodded los angeles
[cell phone rings]
me: (half awake) hello.
AB: hi! this is albert! what are you doing?
me: half asleep. (still groggy)
AB: how are you? what did you do today?
me: i'm in so much pain. the orthopedic doctor did a cortisone shot in the tendons of my foot today. i took some pain reliever.
AB: did you eat? are you hungry?
me: i'm not even thinking about eating. i'm in pain.
AB: but you have to eat! what do you want to eat? what are you craving?
me: (thinking...still groggy) sisig from pinoy pinay in the valley.
AB: huh? what in the world is "sisig?" filipino food? pinoy pinay in the valley? i'm in pasadena. that's 30 minutes away!
me: you don't know what 'sisig' is? it's like 'pulutan' ( pulutan - it's what filipinos eat while they are drinking alcohol.) it's like chopped pork marinated with ginger, onions and then slightly sizzled in its own fat.
AB: oh i remember...almost like tokwa and baboy but it's chopped pork and it's a little crunchy. right?
me: uhuh.
AB: okay....i'm on my way to get it. do you want anything else? what about a drink? halo-halo?
me: nope. just want that.
AB: okay. consider it done. call you later.
[yeah right, he's going to get it. it's raining cats and dogs. the traffic is congested. by the time he gets to my house, it will be two hours. eh. i'll go to back to sleep]
one hour later.
cell phone rings again.
me: hello...where are you now?
AB: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...i'm in front of your house in the pouring rain. sorry i was late. it was bumper to bumper traffic. i could've been here sooner. okay. meet me in the front of your house.
me: okay.
i wasn't kidding when i said it was storming. it was windy and breezy and the pools of water lined our street. and there in the pouring rain, AB smiles, under a black umbrella...holding my 'sisig.'
AB: here yah go.
me: you actually went? i thought you got lazy... the rain and all.
AB: you said you wanted it.
me [awww...don't show too much excitement] thank you. you're the best!
AB: okay, i gotta go now. just want to make sure you eat today. but i have to buy dinner for my mommy and my aunt. i'll call you later (hugs and kisses as i watched him drive off in the drenched weather.)
seriously. isn't AB the most caring guy in the world? i'm lucky! =)
mother nature's pours its drench filled tears. i love the rain. i was always fascinated with the rain and its stunning precipitative process: first, the subtle blows of the winds,then the dark forming moonsoon clouds, the tiny little drops of tear-like formed water that transforms into sudden gushes of what seemed like barrel of shower.
as the rain makes still pools on the side walks and created running pools in the gutter, listen closely. can you hear the pulsing tempos? each hard sunken drops creates a liquid chorus. each sounded like drum beats of my heartbeat's pulsating power and force. it's almost as if it's playing me a sweet sleep song on our roof. it's singing a soothing lullaby to tuck me into the breezy night.
i shivered. the chills of the night made me shake and quiver. i hugged myself and stared at the beauty of the rain. it felt like i'm living in the wet rain. my heart's drench with anger filled like water. i'm coated with cold submerged in ice. i'm soaked as the chill clung to my cheek.my lips trembled, i'm seeking warmth. i only want solitude. i wished for serenity. hence, i hear words of prey, raging tones of destruction. though, my hearts heavy with slashes of bloodsmears and slithers of outpouring tears. i hugged my knees and embraced my arms and watched the rain fall drip dropping in disarrayed lines. i moved my eyes up to catch rain; blending my tears of salted pain as my eyelids forged to close.
there's a blue harmony in this winter rain. the soft rhythm of the wind suits the mood i'm in. crashing over me again and again. cooling and fooling as it seeps me within. it rinses through me, diluting my life's stain. cleansing unloaded burden i carried heavily from adam and eve's first sin. it smoothes to pebbles the gigantic boulders of pain. clarifies tumbled thoughts in a brainwashed spin. purifies my impured soul and recharges my weak spirit. the melancholic mood is once again washed away like a slough of the skin. then like the colors of the rainbow, i am once again in the lightness of my being ME.
[SIDE NOTE: most of the people i hang put with and grew up with are married. some even with children. then they ask me why am i not married. then they conclude, "you're so picky! there is no such thing as 'mr.right' you know." and i just smile and ponder. actually, there is someone i am 'eyeing on' and 'helplessly falling for.' and i would like to describe him in couple sentence. but the whole dictionary is not enough to define what i feel accurately. then it lingered on my way home today as this song played in my car. my mystery man is "my somebody" as i was described in the song.]
SOMEBODY
I want somebody to share Share the rest of my life Share my innermost thoughts Know my intimate details Someone who'll stand by my side And give me support And in return She'll get my support
She will listen to me When I want to speak About the world we live in And life in general Though my views may be wrong They may even be perverted She will hear me out And won't easily be converted To my way of thinking In fact she'll often disagree But at the end of it all She will understand me
I want somebody who cares For me passionately With every thought and with every breath Someone who'll help me see things In a different light All the things I detest I will almost like I don't want to be tied To anyone's strings I'm carefully trying to steer clear Of those things
But when I'm asleep I want somebody Who will put their arms around me And kiss me tenderly Though things like this Make me sick In a case like this I'll get away with it
for most times, i stayed mum about the rollercoaster ups and downs of my life. in the past, arguing back and attacking the "attacker" has not been the right way of dealing with conflicts. and i 've learned that some times it was best to stay quiet and cry in the dark. most of the times, i figured if fire was thrown to me, it is best that i INHIBIT myself to throw the fire back since i'm aware that fire + fire = more flame.
but those hurtful words you said damaged me.
you've crossed the line. i'm sorry if i might have said the truth...and sometimes the truth hurts. but you had no right to shatter me even more. i've sacrificed so much---all my life...to try my best. i poured my heart and soul to be where i am today and to be what i am today. you had no privilege to put me down: to be called " stupid" and to destroy the ME that i struggled to established.
whether you despise me or not, i forgave you. last week, you tried to shred and tear me and my emotions apart. you attempted to break me down like you always do. in the past you've succeeded.
but NO.
this has to stop. this time around, i am not going to allow you step all over me. it took me so many years to stand up against you. not because i do not like you but because i felt like you must have hate me for you to always break me no matter what i do.
but sorry. this lady that you broke in the past into little debris has glued her self together. i am back in one piece. even stronger this time. and no one...not even destroy me again.
MY SILENT REVERIES
writing is my passion. i created silent reveries years ago to vent out things i could not tell the world. it was my private, modern tech approach to scribbling my thoughts and emotions in a journal. in here, i can feely be who i am. i could cry my woes, i can love freely, i can grieve over a broken heart, i can celebrate the joys in my heart, i can rejoice with my accomplishments, i can tell stories of remarkable friendships and unforgettable connections i made with extraordinary people SECRETLY AND SILENTLY without worrying people might judge me. i hid under the name PINAY FREESTYLE.
but eventually, some people gained access to my secret place. so i opened my doors to them in the purpose that i could inspire them: to be better versions of themselves and to share themselves to the world. slowly, i embraced my readers as a part of my life. i welcomed the strange idea that my untold life stories and unconcealed revelations could be of help to others, to love and accept themselves as they are. and i, i came out from the animosity. i eventually became just the regular LEN - the nickname my family & friends call me.
i developed stories of love, of letting go, of falling in love all over again. i made great friendships. but if there's one thing i was particularly proud of, it was my undenying love for the LORD. i wrote and made soul searching, heart wrenching entries i entitled, "SPIRITUAL REVERIES" which you will find many here. it was my productive way to heal myself from twinge and while i am at it, i could also mend others spirits along the way and bring them back up to par with their faith and relationships with God. it has not stop there. it's still a constant journey.
and so, for as long as i can, i vowed to tell my memorable reflections,i have unmasked the hidden me. and the seeking and searching of life's meaning and purpose is not over. LIFE is a long road of discovering. and i still yet to discover many wonders of this world and satisfy my unending curiosity. but be warned. you can either love me or hate me. but i don't care. this is me: sripped and bare as i can be.
so i invite you into my chaotic unperfect world. join me in my whirlwind new travels of diving into the unknowns. let me share my life with you all over again. come in, as i tell you my SILENT REVERIES.
love,
len
DISCOVER ME:
who is the lady behind the blogs?
"I want to have a personal light, the glow of oneself that comes from sheer willpower, the light of someone who has made important sacrifices in the name of things I think are important."
---Paulo Coelho's "Eleven Minutes"
my name is len. people always tend to judge me without discovering who i really am. i might look intimidating, a typical shop girl, and i act like a crazy party girl on the weekend. but i actually have brains. and i own an even bigger heart.
the truth is, beyond the louis vuitton bags, beyond the lavish parties, the excessive passion to travel and the desire to get to know the world, if you got to know the REAL ME, i am really just a simple girl. my only desire is to be loved for who i am.
REACH ME
if you want to get to know me better, if you want to share your thoughts, if you want to be my friend, don't hesitate: you can find me at
