+++ MY SILENT REVERIES +++

"wingmaker"
[Note: disregard the entry before this. i was upset with "him" but he made up for it. so i forgave him. life has so much drama...can't you see?]

there were uncountable encounters in my life when challenges pushed me down and i literally fell: from a house getting burned, to school pressures, to "being perfect and NOT being perfect," to social issues, to finding good and true friends, and to mending a broken heart, these were just a few of these instances. instances that slowly injured and broke my wings each and every time.
but throughout all these comodities, he stood there...if not right next to me, he stood behind me making sure that he caught me each and every moment he thought i can not fly anymore.

i remember the time i felt "dumb," not being able to accomplish the things i needed to achieve in school, he reminded me that "only the one who works hard perseveres." that dreaming is not enough to achieve my goals but rather waking up and working hard at it will. that i should never give up because a lot of people think i am doing wonderfully considering the odds i have been through. he told me, "rising above the obstacles" has been my best asset.

at times i feel ugly and insecure, he tells me how cute i look in my outfit or how much he loved my curly hair. he points out how my smiles looked geniune in my pictures. he always asked how much perfume i sprayed on me because it becomes the airfreshner in his car.

but the most difficult moments for me is when someone i loved breaks my heart.
it hurts even more when i find out that they cheated on me. not only does it damage my self esteem but it really really triggers me emotionally. there were so many nights that i cried myself to sleep. or sometimes i used working 18 hours or even more as "painkillers:" just something to numb the pain.

but these were also the significant times, he stayed there with me: NO QUESTIONS asked.
one time, after my two years relationship with ron, i cried to him. i remember him picking me up from home and wed rove to this huge open space park with a football field. and i asked him what were we doing there. he just guided me to a walk. we walked around that park and he held my hand and he said, "just cry it off...cry it off while i am here." that night, i cried in his arms while wa walked hand in hand around that football field.

one other time, jason and i had "exes" issues going on and i had to drop off eveyrhting he gave me to him because i was so mad. at three o clock in the morning, "he" took me to riverside- a 45 minutes drive one way just to do what i am supposed to do. that car ride was painstakingly killing me. i cried in silence because i was too shy to cry infront on him but he handed me a tissue to i can let it all out again.

last time when i found out han had someone new and that was around valentines, he took me out to a dinner and have the mariachi band serenade me a love song. i was so heartbroken that night but having him there with me, reminding me how to smile, making fun of my lovelife's drama eased the twinge i felt.

just recently, i told him about how i felt with the situation regrading his birthday and also dealing with the issues i have with ron's situation, and again, he helped me again even knowing that he has to wake up at 1:30 am to do me a favor.

gosh....how many times have i broke my wing? how many times did i fall? how many times did you teach me how to fly again? how many times will you fix my wings? you never complained. you never asked for anything in return(liek last night, i was hungry and you took me out to eat at 2 in the morning). sometimes, i want to do so much for you. and yet, you refused.

so how can i ever thank you, my wing maker? you ve been so much more to me than you ever imagine. sometimes, i want to tell you while you are there infront of me. but i am scared...because i don't want to lose you. because quite frankly, all these years, you are the most wonderful thing that happened to me.

Saturday, June 11, 2005

birthday woes

he day of "his" birthday

" happy birthday!, " she exclaimed.

it was his birthday.he thought she forgot about it. he was happy she actually remembered. she asked her how he was going to spend his birthday: what were his plans and with who. he answered he had plans with mom for a dinner. so she decided she would ask for another day to celebrate his birthday.

day after "his" birthday

again, she asked him, "so any plans today?"

" well, i will be with the "guys.,[ you know my friend who is one of the chef of j lo's madres...(blah blah, blah)] " he responded. she did not want to hold him back to spend time with his friends. she wanted him to have fun. so once again, she refrained to ask him.

2 days after "his" birthday

"so are you off today?" for the third time, she inquired.

" i am going to have dinner with friends [no name in specifics]".

grr. she's really gettign angry this time but she hid it so well.

" oh okay..." she responded.

later that night, he called her.

" so you had fun with your dinner?" she asked him.

"actually, i had dinner with people you least expected me to have dinner with," he said.

"huh? who would that be?, " she wondered.

"those people who only calls me when they need something if they needed me for a ride, for books to borrow...or to recruit me to become "iglesia" ---you know the two sisters," he said.

she thought he said he doesn't really like them because they just "used" him. and now he's with them? even worse, he spent dinner with them? why? she doesn't get it. he paints a black and white picture of these girls' personality and then when they are right there in front of him, it's a different color showing.

she's pissed...

she's hurt....

she felt alone.

she only wants to spend time with him on his birthday after he had spent time with his close family and friends. can't she spend time with her "guy" bestfriend? can't she have a quiet moment with her best friend like they do all the time? does he care? does he even know?

that she feels abandoned?

that she feels isolated?

that she is falling for him?

that she was me?

someday. he'll know.

BLIND
(written may 2005)

dear boy(ab),

let this be another night of your thoughts crossing my tired mind. i decided not to put your name here. what the hell, everyone who are close ot me probably know it;s you but let's just keep it on the down low. last night, i was staring at the new cell you gave me. i wanted to asked you why you gave me a new cell and yet, you smiled and you never answered.

you're probably on your flight to san francisco. i was hoping i get to spend time with you this past couple days( did anyway but i felt that it was not enough). truth is, i haven't been sleeping right. no, let me rephrase that...i haven't been sleeping at all. from work, i lay down on my bed and i am thinking of you. i am stupid because when you are there in front of me, i chose to shut my g*ddamn mouth and now, you're running through my thoughts again.

last week, when you brought me lunch at work (thank you for bringing lunch for my whole nursing crew), my colleagues teased me about how i should not let you pass me by. i mean that i should have you for keeps. i smiled. i could nto explain what i feel. i was happy that you brought me my lunch eventhough i wasn't asking for it. the fact you made it for me, for all of my friends, and drove 40 minutes just to deliver it personally to me, made it even special. i was even happier to see you, to smell your scent when you held me close, to see your smile as a part of my day.

i think i am going nuts.last night, i tried to pick up the phone several times so i can call you and inform you that your thoughts are keeping me insomniac but i held off. i figured i'd send you an "i-miss-you" text but i got scared and held off. but then just when i decided i would call it a night and turn my cell off, you called me, just like you do every single night to say goodnight and laugh with me.

last sunday, when i was with you, i saw a glimpse of you staring at me as i was eating my dinner. when we were hanging out at your pad, you kept offering me the blanket because i forgot my jacket and i was shivering from the cold. even better, you held me tight again. before, i used to dream of just having a simple and romantic "blockbuster night" and then there you are, right next to me....it felt so unreal. your hugs and cuddles meant so much to me when my heart is still healing...when my heart is learnign how to love again...when my soul is finding the place where it belongs.

and it seems that it belongs there right next you. it took me seven years to realized that you truly hold a special spot in my heart. we had this chance before and yet, we were immature then. we are confronted by it again now. and i grow even more afraid.

i realized how much i feel at home with you. with you, i can be just "me." i can make a fool out of myself and i can laugh with you. i can tell you everything. i shared you my innermost secrets. i confided to you the challenges and porblems i encounter in my everyday life. i told you about the guys who broke my heart. i cried to you when they do. and you were just there. you just let me cry. wiht my accomplishments, yours were the hand who clapped. in my downfalls, you were the wings that caught me and brought me up each time i fall. when i am doubting myself, you emphasized the harwork i ve done and remind me that i am "half way there" and to "go for it." you taught me how to dream and support me at eveyrhting i do. and you have been there for me through the years,.....through the many many years.

it's been there RIGHT INFRONT OF ME but i was too blind to realized how special you are to me. and now, i wanted to show you. i wanted to tell you. i wanted to remind you of my gratitude and affection. i desired to give you back all the tender love you gave me. i do...i do...lie right now, i missed you. i miss you smile, i miss runnign with you, i miss " kuliting" you at your phone while you are at work, i miss the pasta lunch you made me and my friends, i miss bringing you late dinners, i miss you bringing me boba late at night when i asked for it, i miss you holding my hands when we watch a movie, i miss you driving my car ( you were the only guy who drove my car ever), i miss your scent, i miss your smile....RRRrrr what part of it is not obvious? i truly miss you.

....i miss you....and you don't even know it because i am holding back. i miss you so much and i wanted to toell you that....but i'm scared. i just don't want to be hurt anymore.

i miss you....come back soon ( i know you'll be back on friday)...i can't wait to hug you again. perhaps, i will have the guts to tell you. if not, i will just show you.

new yorkan withdrawal
(written may 24, 2005)

soon, i am leaving again. when i am stressed out, i leave and i go somewhere far. i wish my work permits me to leave and go on vacation. i need to get away from los angeles.

new york city!!! here i come again!!!!

last year, i decided to leave to new york and fly up to niagara falls and toronto, canada to meet my friends halfway there. weird thing is, i am goign to new york again!!! i guess, i am having the new yorkan withdrawal again.

i miss new york=(

i miss going up the empire state with the VIP pass and kickin it at my aunt's office at FUBU ( FYI: my aunt works for as a financial exceutive at Fubu which is located on the 63rd floor or empire state). i miss looking down from the top of the empire state building as i try to pin point the places i visited there. my cousin kuya salde told me, " if you think you are lost, just look up and find where the empire state building is, and we are on the east side of it---i am three blocks away from the empire state building---the only view i see as i wake in the morning).

the lower east side of manhattan is a blast place to be when you are in NYC. what about eating out at the village in east side manhattan at 4 am (yes, ALL the restaurants are open in east manhattan because it is the night spot ---kuya sal kept reminding me that i was not in LA because i kept asking him if he was sure). i miss watching the fireworks right behind kuya salde's condo in lower east side manhattan overlooking the hudson river. Union square is walking distance from me. I see everyone there. I do everything there while I wait for the N subway in the morning ( Yes, i guess, i am somewhat an expert of the New York subways now--after gettign lost so many times, i perfected the downtown and uptown routines.

what about annoying the crap out of mike to come see from jersey city? i miss the lights in atlantic city and believe itor not, i am also beginning to miss those toll polls as you exit on the tunnels of new jersey ( you have to be in new york to relaize what the heck i am talkign about!) who can forget about the shopping spree with aileen and kuya sal? we went to "no tax shopping" at the new jersey outlets, to the over populated rockefeller center and century 21 near the twin towers and of course, the always glammed up fifth avenue with all the designers bags and shoes that i love (special mention: louis vitton and mark jacobs and manolo blanik).

i miss new york...if i had known that someone was going to break my heart when i came back from new york last year, i would have stayed longer.!!!

sigh.
take me away new york city!!! i am tired of LA!