+++ MY SILENT REVERIES +++

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

BLIND
(written may 2005)

dear boy(ab),

let this be another night of your thoughts crossing my tired mind. i decided not to put your name here. what the hell, everyone who are close ot me probably know it;s you but let's just keep it on the down low. last night, i was staring at the new cell you gave me. i wanted to asked you why you gave me a new cell and yet, you smiled and you never answered.

you're probably on your flight to san francisco. i was hoping i get to spend time with you this past couple days( did anyway but i felt that it was not enough). truth is, i haven't been sleeping right. no, let me rephrase that...i haven't been sleeping at all. from work, i lay down on my bed and i am thinking of you. i am stupid because when you are there in front of me, i chose to shut my g*ddamn mouth and now, you're running through my thoughts again.

last week, when you brought me lunch at work (thank you for bringing lunch for my whole nursing crew), my colleagues teased me about how i should not let you pass me by. i mean that i should have you for keeps. i smiled. i could nto explain what i feel. i was happy that you brought me my lunch eventhough i wasn't asking for it. the fact you made it for me, for all of my friends, and drove 40 minutes just to deliver it personally to me, made it even special. i was even happier to see you, to smell your scent when you held me close, to see your smile as a part of my day.

i think i am going nuts.last night, i tried to pick up the phone several times so i can call you and inform you that your thoughts are keeping me insomniac but i held off. i figured i'd send you an "i-miss-you" text but i got scared and held off. but then just when i decided i would call it a night and turn my cell off, you called me, just like you do every single night to say goodnight and laugh with me.

last sunday, when i was with you, i saw a glimpse of you staring at me as i was eating my dinner. when we were hanging out at your pad, you kept offering me the blanket because i forgot my jacket and i was shivering from the cold. even better, you held me tight again. before, i used to dream of just having a simple and romantic "blockbuster night" and then there you are, right next to me....it felt so unreal. your hugs and cuddles meant so much to me when my heart is still healing...when my heart is learnign how to love again...when my soul is finding the place where it belongs.

and it seems that it belongs there right next you. it took me seven years to realized that you truly hold a special spot in my heart. we had this chance before and yet, we were immature then. we are confronted by it again now. and i grow even more afraid.

i realized how much i feel at home with you. with you, i can be just "me." i can make a fool out of myself and i can laugh with you. i can tell you everything. i shared you my innermost secrets. i confided to you the challenges and porblems i encounter in my everyday life. i told you about the guys who broke my heart. i cried to you when they do. and you were just there. you just let me cry. wiht my accomplishments, yours were the hand who clapped. in my downfalls, you were the wings that caught me and brought me up each time i fall. when i am doubting myself, you emphasized the harwork i ve done and remind me that i am "half way there" and to "go for it." you taught me how to dream and support me at eveyrhting i do. and you have been there for me through the years,.....through the many many years.

it's been there RIGHT INFRONT OF ME but i was too blind to realized how special you are to me. and now, i wanted to show you. i wanted to tell you. i wanted to remind you of my gratitude and affection. i desired to give you back all the tender love you gave me. i do...i do...lie right now, i missed you. i miss you smile, i miss runnign with you, i miss " kuliting" you at your phone while you are at work, i miss the pasta lunch you made me and my friends, i miss bringing you late dinners, i miss you bringing me boba late at night when i asked for it, i miss you holding my hands when we watch a movie, i miss you driving my car ( you were the only guy who drove my car ever), i miss your scent, i miss your smile....RRRrrr what part of it is not obvious? i truly miss you.

....i miss you....and you don't even know it because i am holding back. i miss you so much and i wanted to toell you that....but i'm scared. i just don't want to be hurt anymore.

i miss you....come back soon ( i know you'll be back on friday)...i can't wait to hug you again. perhaps, i will have the guts to tell you. if not, i will just show you.

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