+++ MY SILENT REVERIES +++

[singing to myself]

happy birthday to me!

happy birthday to me!

happy birthday, happy birthday,

happy birthday to me!]

yesterday, i turned......______ never mind the age!!!! hahaha.

ron and i are talking. things are fairly well. working on it. the works are still in progress.

okay, i cant' help, you gott'a have a a dose of my "my-peasant- encounters."

peasant: (says a phrase and ends it with [ in his ghetto accent]----->) "know what i mean?"
[turns to me and say] be, say, " know what i mean?" i just want to hear you say it.

ur highness (me): [sarcastically] eh. leave me alone.

peasant: why you so grouchy? i'm the one whose always grouchy. now you're being ....me.

ur highness: why do you have to ask so many goddamn questions? damn!

peasant: oh hell nah! you just used my line. see, you can't copy that line. get your own.

ur highness: eh. your annoying! ...(then complains) i'm irritated. my stomach hurts.

peasant: [smirks] now i get it. you have a PMS, huh? i hate PMS. do you?

ur highness: what did i just tell you? don't ask me too many goddamn questions. my head hurts!

peasant: [laughs] okay, fine. can i just get a smile then? [ silence] please?

ur highness:[ smiles. ] okay that's it!

peasant: you know...i love you. i love you because you're crazy!

going nuts!

i'm on my depressive mood again.

too many reasons.

ron, mainly.

eh.

i miss him.

but does he miss me?

going insane!!!

fight for love

i talked to loc about what has been bothering me.

he laughed and sarcastically commented, " i told you so. "

i want to believe ron loves me.

no.

let me rephrase that.

i know he loves me.

otherwise, i wouldn't be fighting for him this way. i just hope...i just wish...he fights for me the same...for us.

parade

every 7: 30 am at the hospital, i meet with the nurses from the grave yard shifts. from there, they endorse me the nursing reports consisting of the new admissions, discharges, patient's health status and the treatments and medications. sometimes, we would exchange chit-chats, too. then off they go home to sleep and then their nights start again after my shift ends at 7:30 pm.

mezmerizing when i walk the "employees only" hall and entrance when i go home from work. as i walked through the hall, i am greeted with all kinds of specialized nurses in their variety of colorful uniforms. whoever they are, what ever nationality they are, they would say "hello" and i would smile and say the same( we call it the five feet rule: whenever a staff approach you, you say hello and they will, too, in return).

you should see it. i call it the "parade of nurses". nurses from both shifts are exiting and entering the hospital premises. their artistically decorated uniforms flood the hall with colors. some in white, some in blue or pink or yellow or green. but all them with the label " nurse" in their hearts. ]

these are the nurses.

i am one of them.

yes, the doctor gives the diagnosis and orders the treatments and medications. but it is in our gentle touch and warm hearts and nursing implementations that makes our patients well. their smiles brightens up the patients' days. their caring contibutes to their patients' wellness.

as i walk that hall, i contemplate what would my other options be hadn't i become a nurse? i thought about it as i approached the exit door. the night shift nurse approached me and said, "good night. have a good sleep..i smiled and said, " i hope you have a good night, too." as i pass by a little hispanic girl, she greeted me with a huge smile and says hello. i smiled back. in spanish, she told her mom, " mom, when i grow up, i want to be just like her. " an "infirmera", she said. something i told my mother, who is also nurse, when i was a little girl.

regarding my other job option? naa. i don't think i see myself somewhere else. no computers or machinery can replace my job. only a nurse's gentle affection and lots of patient caring can make the sick and the ill be healthy again.

and i am darn proud i am one of the many who represents them

oh yah, one of loc's friend braided my hair. so right now, i have the corn rows. heheheh.

i slept talking to my peasant, ron, last night. it's been so long. and we talked about everything i need to hear. of course, he made me cry. he admitted his mistakes, he was selfish and assured he will NEVER leave like the way he did. he said we are "not over." but we are on "holding on" stage. it's mumbo jumbo of dramas.

but it felt good. i was able to cry it out to him. i was able to tell him he was unfair. it was not fair. i was able to tell him, despite ll of it all, i love him. that i will be there NO MATTER WHAT.

his response, " i know i was selfish and i was stupid and i am truly so sorry.but through this all, i never stopped loving you, len."
i smiled.

i can't tell you how much i truly love this guy. we have been through a lot. but slowly, we are surviving and we are holding on. loc made a comment the other day, " you really love this guy, huh?" in the back of my head, i told myself, " more than he will ever know. i love him more than he will ever realize. "

ron, i love you very much, more than you will ever know.

(P. S> for my one year anniversary with ron ( august 7, 2002), i printed out all the entries i have in here that had something to do with him. i am mailing it to him so he can read it. he doesn't know. but it 's more like our love story. i hope he likes it.)

after 6 days straight of 16 hours shifts, i am finally off. thank God! i don't know how other people do it, i don't know how my mom do it. anyway, i am off today. and what's the plan?

well, my aunt is here from modesto, and then my other aunt is coming from tennessee. my cousins are here. so my house is chaotic. but it's fine.

my aunts ( these are my cooler aunts, my shopping buddies) are going to get our nails done and get the spa treatment. so it's shopping day. and family day.

responses

ron answered some of my questions. i felt good in some way. but i needed more. he did tell me that he will be there for me no matter what. and that he loved me no matter we will be.

i really miss him and it's hard not to tell him in response that i do love him back. but one of these days when i get the free time, i will print out all the things i have written here and i will give it to him. just so he knows how much i do love him.

ron, i do love you.

i ran through this friend test when i browsed at tanya's blog. so i did this "what-kind-of-of-friend-are-you?-quiz .the result stated i was the funny one. try it here!

THING THAT SOMETIMES CAN MAKE ME HAPPY

----in random order----

*a warm hug from ron
*staring at ron's chinky, slanted, korean, eyes
*hearing ron's loud giggles, listenign to him tell me how he loves me
*the first three, disregard it, RON makes me happy.
*watching the children play innocently
* having a venti caramel frap after a hard day's work
*jacuzzi, backrub, a foot massage and new nails done : spa treatment!
* paying all the bills then knowing i got plenty left on the bank
* new shoes!
*watching the sunset/sunrise
* looking at the stars/moon
* driving long the coast
*sleeping when it's cold
*surprising my friends and family and seeing them smile
* helping someone and not asking in return and they say, "thank you." i feel good inside.
* receiving a handwritten letter with overwhelming thoughts
* getting an unexpected phonecall from a friend in the past
*strawberry ice cream
*shopping on sales!
* seeing an old friend
* sleeping on a brand new sheet
* when my parents are proud of me
hmmm, many more!!!!!

the ultimate ultimatum

i wrote ron a letter, more like a note. i said, i truly love him and i want him to remember that. but i must do this: i am cutting off all my communication with him ( anythig, whatsoever) until he answers the questions i need. and even if he tried to reach me, i am refraining from answering until i get i demanded.

i knew it will hurt him. and i am in pain knowing he is hurting. but this is the only way i can let go of the anger, free the pain, and in return, on his side, he will be able to unload the heavy burden. i did not want to do this. but it has come to a point that my heart and mind are tired of seekign for answers. it is about time that he provide me the answer.

but wait.

i have a plan. as soon as he tell me e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n--g , i am willing to start all over again...just me and him. only me and him. only US.

i am just waiting.

oh yeah, my article in binibini is now out. so here check it out. le tme know what you think.

battle worth fighting for?....

lately, i've been contemplating about my relationship with ron: how difficult it is, how tough it really is to make this one work. i continue to fight despite the many odds that approached us. i assume, i hope rather, ron is doing the same thing. what are we fighting for? our battle to keep the US alive. i continue to love. i continue to have faith. i remain praying that love and faith goes together. one without the other, this love will not work.

today, loc confronted me of these speculation. he said he has gone through where ron is at right now and i am being such a fool. he said that ron JUST needed me because he is in a difficult situation. loc mentioned that the real judgement comes when he gets out of this rough situation and continues to love me. but right now, he added, i am not the only one ron is clinging on to. he predicted that there are probably numberS ( as in, plural) of girls he is saying 'i love you' to and in reverse, he is also getting the same response.

then it happened. he uttered something i didn't want to hear. insensitively, he said, "if he really loved you, why did he go away and then came back when things were hard for him? why didn't he do this when you were right there in front of him? now, you knew that, too. you kept saying he prepared you for this but no, you prepared yourself to not hurt when you took on two jobs and thinking you will heal. "

what did i do? of course, i defended ron. i confirmed he loved me and that i felt that he still does. otherwise, he could have left me alone. his reasons for leaving were valid and i forgave him for that. but i demanded that it was not right for loc to judge the one i love because he is not ron. yes, he experienced the same situation ron is going through now but it does not mean ron is the same as him or his friends who chose to have many girls at one time. i just felt like i knew ron more than him and he has no right to tell me somethign against ron.

then finally, he said, "len, you are so smart that you are so dumb."

i walked away. i left him there. i didn't want to hear what else he had to say. some of what he asked me were the same questions i asked ron. these were the same questions ron did not answer yet. truth is, i am in pain. because i already knew the hurtful things loc mentioned. and i am not stupid because i have been asking ron that, too.

now, i am left with more questions to contemplate about and with more thinking and more answer seeking to do.maybe, i am feeling hurt because what loc said was true and i am completely in denial about it because i felt i needed to fight for ron or us.

now, i realized, am i really a fool for giving ron this second chance when he can hurt me anytime ( again)? i have to ask myself again, " is this battle of love worth fighting for?"

i know no relationships are perfect and certainly, ron and i are not. i wish i knew the answers to our future.

i wish...i..i knew....