lately, i've been contemplating about my relationship with ron: how difficult it is, how tough it really is to make this one work. i continue to fight despite the many odds that approached us. i assume, i hope rather, ron is doing the same thing. what are we fighting for? our battle to keep the US alive. i continue to love. i continue to have faith. i remain praying that love and faith goes together. one without the other, this love will not work.
today, loc confronted me of these speculation. he said he has gone through where ron is at right now and i am being such a fool. he said that ron JUST needed me because he is in a difficult situation. loc mentioned that the real judgement comes when he gets out of this rough situation and continues to love me. but right now, he added, i am not the only one ron is clinging on to. he predicted that there are probably numberS ( as in, plural) of girls he is saying 'i love you' to and in reverse, he is also getting the same response.
then it happened. he uttered something i didn't want to hear. insensitively, he said, "if he really loved you, why did he go away and then came back when things were hard for him? why didn't he do this when you were right there in front of him? now, you knew that, too. you kept saying he prepared you for this but no, you prepared yourself to not hurt when you took on two jobs and thinking you will heal. "
what did i do? of course, i defended ron. i confirmed he loved me and that i felt that he still does. otherwise, he could have left me alone. his reasons for leaving were valid and i forgave him for that. but i demanded that it was not right for loc to judge the one i love because he is not ron. yes, he experienced the same situation ron is going through now but it does not mean ron is the same as him or his friends who chose to have many girls at one time. i just felt like i knew ron more than him and he has no right to tell me somethign against ron.
then finally, he said, "len, you are so smart that you are so dumb."
i walked away. i left him there. i didn't want to hear what else he had to say. some of what he asked me were the same questions i asked ron. these were the same questions ron did not answer yet. truth is, i am in pain. because i already knew the hurtful things loc mentioned. and i am not stupid because i have been asking ron that, too.
now, i am left with more questions to contemplate about and with more thinking and more answer seeking to do.maybe, i am feeling hurt because what loc said was true and i am completely in denial about it because i felt i needed to fight for ron or us.
now, i realized, am i really a fool for giving ron this second chance when he can hurt me anytime ( again)? i have to ask myself again, " is this battle of love worth fighting for?"
i know no relationships are perfect and certainly, ron and i are not. i wish i knew the answers to our future.
i wish...i..i knew....
posted by pinay freestyle @ 3:32 PM
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