+++ MY SILENT REVERIES +++

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

It is almost All Soul's Day (November 2) and it the time of year we remember our lovedones who departed. And I miss you sooooooooo much my angel baby son. I hope you are having a blast in heaven. Take care of Mama and guide your Papa Simon. Until Mama gets to hold you once again, my angel son;( I love you sooooooooo much.

UNSENT: Sad 10/31/12 9:13 pm Dear______, I reread his old text my ex Simon. I also read Allan's text. His anger. His wrath. How many more times can I endure the pain. How many more times can I deal with the hurt? I don't know. I miss my my son. Why dies it have to be him to die? Why can't it be me, Lord? Everyday is filled with tears. Tears of sadness because I miss my son. Why can't he survive. I just drank couple shots of Vodka. Because the pain I feel inside is too much to overcome. In two days, it will be November 2 All Soul's Day for us Filipinos. 17 months yesterday since my son passed away. Where do I go? How can I far rid of the torment of losing a child? Lord, I still don't understand. The alcohol numbs for couple of hours. But the pain remains. And I tried to love Allan. Only to find out, I was an "opportunity" to make his life better. He is married out of a shotgun wedding. Married with three kids. I do feel he loves me. But my conscience can not take it. How can I love someone who has a wife from a teenage pregnancy and a shotgun wedding and three children who will hurt in the process? My morals and my ethics are questioned. I love Allan as much as I love Simon. I hope they felt that my love was real and genuine. Where do I go really? Where do I find myself after having a miscarriage and not even knowing I was pregnant and discovering Simon's cheating and after that, Allan's lies about being separated and finding out later that they are living together and STILL married? Where do I go really? Where do I fins myself? How can I be whole when my heart and soul is shattered? The vodka isn't even numbing the pain. The tears have not stop from falling every night. And I force the people I love out of my way. No one understands. No one gets what it is like to lose a child out of love and finding out Simon cheated on me. And that girl claims she is pregnant and I get all their angry texts. As if what I am going through is not enough torture. And Allan, he told me he was separated from his wife. Only to find out they still love together and still having sex regularly. And I gave him a laptop to discover he sold it for money after all my hardworking effort to send it to him. I never claim to be perfect. I have had my share of shortcomings. But aborting my own flesh and blood is so NoT me. And breaking a family isn't me either. But how do you tell that and command your heart? It's not easy. Everyday, I try to discover ways to make this life purposeful. Everyday I struggle with my conscience. Why do I have to ensure all these pain when all I desired was to love? How many more nights will it take for me to cry? How many more broken heart and soul episodes do I have to go through? Lord, You know I have been nothing but faithful. You know that I've given my all. But sometimes, I question why me? And yet, I'm breathing. Maybe "existing" is more of the right word. I think eversince my son died, I was merely existing. Life has been empty. I'm thankful for Allan who kept me alive and away from the pain. But his lying to me multiplied the pain I felt. Lord, I don't know where I am going. Lead me to the right path. Life sometimes has been unbearable. It continues to slice me. The wound still bleeds. I'm oozing with hurt. And yet, I have to find ways to just survive...just to live one more day at a time. Help me, Lord. Instill in me that I'm worthied to live. That I still have a purpose. That life still has a meaning. Because lately, I'm losing hope. I miss my son so much. When You took my son back, part of me died with him. Take care of my baby son, his Auntie Vicky and my dogs Ariel and Tobi. They know the truth Lord. Make them my Angels and guide me and look after me. If Simon is happy with his new partner the girl he cheated on ms with and claims she is pregnant with their child, I have no other choice but be happy for them. It hurts me so much but I have to be happy that my baby son will have siblings. And Allan, I don't know if he is the one for me. I'm pushing him away so he can go back to his family who needs him the most. I'll spare my won happiness for his kids who wants a complete family. I do love him. I've fallen in love with him. But is that enough knowing I've wreck a family? That's not who I am. Sorry for my shortcomings. Forgive me of my mistakes. Lord, guide me. Lord, keep me strong. Lord, take away the sadness in my heart. Wipe these tears away. I'm holding on hoping for a better day. I'm just hanging on by a thread. Yet, be with me, Lord. I am crying again...just like every night. Not that I want to but because that's how I respond to hurt. I cry. But Lord, if I can not take it anymore, just take me back in Your arms. I'm trying so hard to live. But each day seems unbearable. If I can't take it anymore Lord, just take mr with You and let me be with my son. Let me hug my son one more time. Free me from all the torment. Free me from all the pain like You said in Revelation 21. I'm hanging by a moment. I'm confused. I'm lost. Let me find my way back home to You. ;( Sad face, Len

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Truth is, I avoided even remembering this date. Truth is, it still hurts me. Truth is, I missed you. Truth is, I missed my son whose now an angel in heaven. Truth is, I cried. I'm human. I'm sensitive. Could have been 5 years. Now it's down the drain. All we have is the memory. All we have is an angel in heaven. I hope you're happy. I'll pray you'll be at peace. For our son's sake.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Letter to my ANGEL in heaven Dear Angel, I think of you every second of the day. I got a text from your Father's partner that your dad changed his number and wanted nothing to do with me because I supposedly "murdered you" my son. I want to fight back. I want to prove to them that I can not do that to you. But my son, you know the truth. I would spare my own life to keep you and let you live. I am your mother. I can not have the conscience to abort you. That is a mortal sin. And a Christian like me can not do that. Because I have faith in God. It could have been 5 years with your Papa Hung. But I've already accepted the fact that we are not together anymore. And if his new partner is making him happy, all I could hope and pray for is his happiness. So I hope your Papa is happy. And I'll respect his desire to be happy. Because that toils have been what you wanted for us as your mom and dad. For us, to be at peace and to be happy wherever that may be. But keep me strong, my son. Always guide your Mama. And always be there for your Papa and his family. Everything I do now is for you, my son. Be with mommy. Give me the peace that I want for your Papa and I. That's all I ask my son. I miss you. I hope the angels and God are taking care of you in heaven. Life has been difficult. But I'm living because of you my son. Tell God to take care of me and our family. I love you. All days of my life, I will love you. You give meaning to this life. Love your mama, Len